Living Well is the Best Revenge!

Let’s be honest, after divorce, for men and women alike, it’s extremely difficult not to become bitter.  I know, I myself, after my divorce was extremely bitter.  Bitter toward an ex-husband whom I felt didnt’ deserve to be happy.  Bitter toward myself as well and expected that I wouldn’t be happy again.  However, when life hands you lemons….make lemonade.  We can’t control the cards we are dealt.  We just have to live with them, move past them and get to a better place in our lives where we can continue to be productive parents, individuals and yes, even happy.

It has been my experience through listening to clients, co-workers and friends tell their stories, a lot of people, instead of doing their best to move past their pain of their former lives, insist upon holding on to grudges and dwelling on how they will make their ex-spouse pay for their pain. 

Moreover, when we are going through these types of struggles, we don’t realize that just by living well, moving on and living our best lives, we are getting the ultimate “revenge” in the form of true happiness.  When someone tries to steal your joy, you yourself will get more out of your life if you choose to do your best to keep on keepin on by living well.  Let me reiterate, living well is the best revenge.   Do not settle for less.  By holding unnecessary grudges, you are doing yourself and your children a disservice. 

Keep your heads up ladies and gentlemen.   Divorce, separation, remarriage parenting and co-parenting can be tough and we don’t always see eye to eye as parents, step-parents and co-parents and sometimes we create more problems by not being able to let go of the past as we have experienced it.  However, if we lift our heads out of the clouds, do our best to move on and live well all at the same time, we don’t have to be bogged down with the stress and pressure of feeling revengeful and holding grudges. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

There is No Magic Formula Stepmoms

I’ve had the pleasure of talking to many many stepmoms over the years and what I realized is that most of them desired some magic formula for acceptance; either that, or they were confusing the definition of the word altogether. Most wanted to know that if they love and support their husband and be the best stepmom they can be to their stepkids, then they will be truly loved and accepted by their stepchildren. Their constant need to be accepted loved by everyone consumes them to the point that they forget that they must focus on other components of their overall family in order to be a successful stepfamily and yes, you can be considered a successful stepfamily even if the stepkids don’t like you.

What stepmoms must realize is that it will take much more than just being like Carol Brady to get the stepchildren to like you. Often times, your actions aren’t even the deciding factor at all. What has to happen first is mom/ex-wife has to free her children to love. She has to let go of any hurt or apprehension regarding her ex-spouse’s remarriage and having another maternal figure in her children’s lives. She has to be free from allowing her negative emotions to influence her children’s decision to accept you. No matter how subtly, she cannot imply that she will feel betrayed if her children actually like dad’s wife. She has to stop perceiving you as some sort of threat before any of this can happen. So as you can see, it really doesn’t matter how loving, caring, kind or compassionate you are as an ex-wife/mom’s negative feelings has much less to do with you and more about her own internal struggle.

Next, what has to happen is that dad has to be free of guilt parenting and committed to the both of you putting forth that unified front for his kids.  Doing so, will show his kids that the evil villian (you) did not make dad her puppeter, but instead, he is actually committed to being her parnter. This will send the message to the kids that there is no point in trying to break up the union, so you might as well get on board and do your part to make the stepfamily work. When children realize that their divide and conquer strategies won’t work, they usually concede. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they will like you, however, but they will respect you.

This doesn’t mean, however, that you should completely give up. It just means that you have to change your perspective regarding what makes a successful stepfamily and how you go about achieving that. Most stepmothers think that you have achieved success when the kids are finally in love with you and this is simply not the case. Very rarely does a stepfamily operate like a first family, so if you have this goal in mind from the start, you are doomed to fail. Instead of forcing your way through the children, continuously work on your marriage. What I’ve discovered is that a stepfamily can be stable if the ex-wife/mom or even the kids don’t like you, but your stepfamily will fail if you and your spouse aren’t in sync.  A more realistic goal is to work in an area where you already are accepted and that’s with your spouse. Constantly work on communication and dating your spouse; things that first marriages even have to work on. Build a union that is based on common goals, trust and mutual understanding and then present this model to your stepchildren, through example.  Develop a co-parenting plan that consist of house rules and consequences that you both agree upon and present this to your children, as a unified front. Doing the aforementioned will allow you to build a stepfamily based on respect, which will increase  your chances of eventually building trust as a family, instead of feeling like you have to bear the task alone.

It’s all about changing your focus, stepmoms; realizing that your stepkids don’t have to like you, but they have to respect you in order to make your stepfamily work. Kids need order and consistency to feel safe in a world that has just become so unpredictable for them. Developing a co-parenting plan, a consistent routine and a family mission statement that you all agree upon is a much better formula for success.

An Interview with Chef Tony

Antonio Accepting Award

On Saturday, April 24th, 2010, Antonio Thomas entered his first cooking competition at Le Cordon Bleu Culinary Academy and won 2nd Place, landing him a Chef’s hat and coat, a professional kitchen knife, a $125 gift certificate for cookbooks, and a $2,000 scholarship towards his culinary education.

When asked why he decided to become a chef, Antonio responded, “I know what it’s like to be hungry. When I become a chef and open my restaurant I can use part on my earnings to feed the homeless and make sure families don’t go hungry. I’ve always helped my mom by making lunch and helping with dinner. It was amazing how she would make something out of nothing and make it taste good.”

 I had the privilege of chatting with an amazing young man a couple of weeks ago. In the interview below, Tony shares his insight regarding his love for cooking as well as growing up in a single parent home (at one point) and a stepfamily.   The lessons we learn from kids who are in the trenches, living the modern family lifestyle everyday, is absolutely incredible. I learned so much from this young man as his wisdom far exceeds his age.  I also picked up some cooking tips from the young chef.

 Diane: What are the most important items one should always have in their home pantry?

 Tony: Salt, sugar, flour, wine, and oil,  

Diane:  I love to incorporate spice in my cooking.  What 5 spices should I never go without in my kitchen and which one do you think is often the most misunderstood?

Tony:     Salt, pepper, garlic, paprika, and onion powder. Most meals begin with these basic ingredients.

Diane: Coming from being raised by a single-mom, what began your interest in the culinary field?  Was it from watching and admiring her in the kitchen? 

Tony: No matter what we had in the kitchen she always made something out of nothing.  I would look in the fridge and the cabinets and see nothing to eat.  Then she would come home and whip up a meal out of whatever we had and It always tasted great!

  Diane: Cooking is one of my personal passions as well.   I get a huge release and relaxation from creating in the kitchen.  I try to recreate the stories of my life through my food (i.e., dishes my grandmother made by going through her old marked-up cookbooks, etc.).  Sounds corney, huh?  Tell me what inspires your cooking.

Tony: My inspiration for cooking comes from creating dishes and watching others enjoy my food.

Diane: I grew up in a single-parent household as well.  I remember that my mother used to call me in from playing a few nights out of the week and try to get me to watch her cook because she felt it was important for a young girl to learn this skill.  Did your mother do the same with you?

 Tony: Yeah, I always stay up with her on holidays and watch her cook.  She would have all four burners going.  She’d be cleaning the greens and making my favorite ‘stuffing balls’ and I would watch her cook and clean up as she went along.  Then she would place this fabulous feast on the table and I would remember that all this food was once groceries that I had just put up.

Kela: What is your definition of family?

 Tony: No matter what we went through my mother always showed me that she loved me.  It made the tough times not so tough and I love her for that.  So my definition would be – LOVE

Kela:  Will you share any words of encouragement for other children who are being raised by a single mother or are in a stepfamily situation?

Tony: Do your part to make it work.  Being the oldest I have had a few step dads.  Some were great, some were pretty cool, and some just didn’t work out.  I learned that it take the parents and the children to make the step family thing work.  If everyone does their part to make the house a loving home it will work.  There will be misunderstandings and everyone won’t always agree, but if everyone at least tries to understand where others are coming from, everything will be just fine just fine just fine whew!) in my Mary J Blige voice

  Kela: What’s next for you – after culinary school?

Tony: I plan to open my own restaurant.  A high end restaurant that will serve fine dining and all the left over food will be served to homeless families at my mom’s shelter. Because it will keep me grounded so that I will never forget where I came from.

Dad’s: Stop Wallowing in Guilt!

Parenting from guilt can be considered one of the seven deadly sins of the blended family and remarriage.  Knowing that the adult problem of divorce affects not just our lives but that of our children, is not only discomforting, but heartbreaking.   When a woman divorces, she more than likely becomes a single-parent overnight.  As a result, it seems as if she turns on a mechanism that doesn’t have time to cater to the effects of guilt feelings right away, due to the fact that she has to put on and wear several hats at once.  Single moms are actually encouraged to put guilt aside and avoid blaming themselves.  However, with most of my male clients, I see the “guilt parenting” from the start.  In fact, most men that I meet that are divorced say the same thing…”My children don’t live with me so when they are with me, I overcompensate for not being there on a daily basis.”  So, essentially, most fall into the trap of being a “Disneyland Dad” and/or they allow negative thoughts to consume their feelings which in turn causes them to hazardly parent their children.  They believe that by “doing” things with their children instead of actually “being” with their children it will make up for their daily absence in their lives.  WRONG!  The myth that a non-custodial parent has to pack every single minute of the time they share with their children with fun activities and/or by giving or buying them things actually does more harm than good.  Dads….your children need a father not a playmate.  They need a structured environment, not a funhouse.  They need you to parent without guilt.

Loving our children doesn’t mean that as divorced parents, everything is always going to be hunky dorey.  We don’t prove to our children that we love them by showering them with gifts every other weekend or spoiling them beyond comprehension.  When we do this, our children equate “love” with “things.”  More importantly, loving our children means disciplining them when their behavior isn’t favorable (whether that be due to blended family issues or any concerning issue for that matter).  Many times, many non-custodial parents (and some custodial parents) will not hold their children accountable for their behavior, especially when there is a step-parent in the home which in turn sends destructive mixed signals to the children. 

Often times, Dads try too hard to protect their children from the issues that ultimately they will have to face as a child of divorce.  Albeit natural, we all want to protect our children from pain, but at the same time, we cannot brush problems under the rug and believe they will simply go away.  By doing this, they are not allowing their children nor themselves to heal from the wounds divorce creates in the first place.  With the guilt, they over-protect, which is a lot of the time to the detriment of the mental well-being of their new wives, their children and themselves as well.  As Dr. Wednesday Martin has said about divorce…”when unions dissolve, children do suffer.”  My advice would be “why make them suffer more by pushing them into “poor Dad or poor Mom” mode? 

Parents, let’s be realistic.  We make mistakes and some of our mistakes are big ones!  NO parent is perfect.  Looking back on my 23 years of parenting, I know I have some guilt.  Heck, I can’t blame anyone but myself for some of my errors.  However, if we wallow in the guilt of our past mistakes, it hampers our ability to parent effectively.  Plain and simple, there are no easy answers to parenting.  It’s all about trial and error and making the best of the situation we have at hand.  

Parents, children equate love with discipline, structure, boundaries and the love that we show them on a daily basis, not by the “things” we do with or buy for them.   For example, making them respect their step-parent at all times is huge.  This teaches them unity, love and respect.  If you allow discord, you teach discord.  If you allow unruliness, you teach unruliness.  In other words, if you teach what it really means to parent effectively by showing love and respect, they will always find and implement that in their own lives.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Challenge or Opportunity?

Handling challenges of stepfamily life can be daunting.  Defining our roles as step-parents, the expectations we have of our stepchildren, competing for our spouses attention and loyalty conflicts are just a few of the challenges that we face being a part of a blended family.   All of the preceding issues can be looked at as a challenge, but what I like to teach my clients is that issues such as these, once completely understood, can be viewed as opportunities as well.

In the United States alone, between 75 and 85% of all divorced couples remarry and a third of all children in the  United States alone will spend part of their lives in a stepfamily.   With these stunning statistics at our fingertips, as members of the blended family, it is important to be aware that by fostering challenges and problems instead of fostering positive relationship building, having open discussions with our children and stepchildren and reinforcing realistic expectations, we are promoting instead of preventing the disconnect that often occurs within the stepfamily.  Most of the time, this disconnect occurs out of pure unrealistic expectations and non-understanding of the dynamics that accompanies the stepfamily environment.

Finding good, practical answers is not always easy because even stepfamilies that have been together for years, who are pretty much equipped with experience and knowledge under their belts, at times wrestle with issues.  However, as I have said in the past, it is how we mutually decide to handle these challenges by not allowing them to define our happiness within our units nor our success as a stepfamily.  Issues are going to arise.  Embrace them and fix it if you can.  If it is something that just can’t be agreed upon — well, agree to disagree, respect one another’s opinion, and move past it.  This small effort is allowing opportunity to rise above challenge.

Another very important tip in this process is always putting your marriage or remarriage first on your list of priorities.  Absolutely no marriage survives if the life partners in that marriage are in discord with one another.  For example, if you and your partner constantly disagree and struggle over the issue of discipline, or one or the other is insecure in your relationship because the kids are tearing you apart, and finally, a whopper of a discord is when one partner or the other lets guilt about a previous marital breakdown affect his or her parenting.  Your marriage has to be the center of your beings as a couple.  You cannot be insecure about your relationship and expect your stepchildren or children to be secure.  By taking this particular challenge by the horns and making sure you put your marriage first, you are exercising the opportunity to teach your children what a sound, stable and secure marriage is and should be.  They will know, in an instant, when two parents back each other unequivocally, through thick and thin, that there is no room for division on their part.  In essence, they will seek this type of marriage out in their own personal lives as well.

Choosing to transform our challenges into opportunities not only usually resolves, or helps to resolve, the conflict at hand, but it alleviates unnecessary struggles and it engages our behaviors toward the positive in other aspects of our lives as well.  Our children become more confident because evaluating conflict and the resolutions thereto, teaches them to look toward resolve instead of teaching them to stew upon negative emotions and things that they cannot change.  For example, if your husband’s ex hates your guts and you know you are being bad-mouthed in front of your stepchildren, don’t turn around and instigate the same behaviors in your home.  Simply use grace and confidence to handle that situation.  For example, if your stepchild says..”My mommy hates you!”  Simply, state something like…”I am so sorry that your mom feels that way about me because I don’t feel that way about her and maybe one day her perspective will change.”  Instead of,… “So frickin what your crazy mother hates me!  I hate her too.”  Do you see how just that simple response has the ability to change your stepchild’s response and/or idea of how that situation is viewed?  Not only does it teach them how to handle conflict, it teaches them humility.

Listen, I know better than anyone that the challenges the stepfamily life can bring is never just “black and white.”  Shades of grey are all over and in between, and most parents and stepparents are unprepared for the confusing and painful emotions that arise from time-to-time. However, by putting your relationship first and developing ways to make opportunities for bonding, teaching and loving instead of absorbing conflict, struggle and strife is one step in the right direction.  It is vitally important that our children have positive role models in their lives and it starts at home.  Whether they have two homes or one, in order for our children to be happy, we have to define our roles as parents and stepparents and allow them to learn and expect realistic expectations even when it comes down to a bit of conflict.

Let’s carve through the conflict to allow opportunity to evolve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

When Counseling Doesn’t Work

Almost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills.  Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they  think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.

That being said, there are times when counseling doesn’t work and for various reasons. First off, we live in a day and age when people expect instant results. They want to take a pill to lose weight, make a delicious meal in 30 minutes, have instant financial transactions and want everything with the touch of a button. These people think that they should be all “fixed” after 2 or 3 sessions and if they aren’t “fixed” by then, they give up. The problem with this type of thinking is that counseling is more of a marathon than a sprint. It takes longer to get to the finish line and you may get exhausted and frustrated along the way, but eventually you get there as long as you finish the race.

Another reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.

It’s also important to choose the right counselor if you want counseling to work! Not all counselors are qualified to deal with stepfamily issues. It is the reason that many couples feel like counseling doesn’t work when they’ve gone to a traditional marriage and family therapist. Academic credentials alone doesn’t mean that he or she is qualified. Interview your therapist ahead of time. Make sure he or she is not only academically trained but also has personal experience dealing with stepfamily issues. It means that he or she has also applied what they’ve learned to their own marriage and family and can therefore tell you what works and what doesn’t.

Overall, it’s important to realize that counseling is not a magical answer. When we sit down with you, we can’t snap our fingers and make it all go away in one session. We are there to give you helpful advice but you have to do the work. We then guide you as you apply that advice individually and collectively. Just remember that as long as you apply the knowledge that your coach gives you and finish the race, you will come out a winner.

#1 Rule: Love Each Other First

New York Times Best Selling Author” Ayelet Waldman said it best….”I love my husband more than I love my children” in a prior essay she wrote about marriage and children.   She was also “booed” on the Oprah show for her remarks.  After reading her prior essay and listening to Ms. Waldman on the radio program, Fresh Air, I can’t wait to go out and get my copy of ”Bad Mother.”‘

With that, her essay point begged a post on the subject of the first rule for every marriage and especially blended family, spouses must love one another first and must put each other first, before the children and especially ex-spouses, in their lives.  In America, and I am certain in other countries as well, we have been trained so differently, especially if you are a single mother. We are taught that once we have children, they come first, at times, even before ourselves.  All we know is our children.  All we want to do is take care of them first and foremost.  Not only is this philosophy wrong and detrimental to our emotional health and well-being, but to our marriages as well.  In order for our marriages to survive and in order for us to create a healthy, happy home life for all of us, we have to align with our spouses and have a bond that is stronger than that of the bond with our children.  This is a daunting task to say the least because like Ms. Waldman being “booed” on Oprah, society just can’t always wrap their minds around the idea that if your marriage is unbreakable and your husband/wife is first in your life, not only will your overall family life be better, but your children will be happier, well-rounded and emotionally well.

Of course, I, like most parents, can understand the fear behind the idea of putting your spouse ahead of your children because up until about 3 years ago, if you asked me if I would not have put any man before my children, even their fathers, I would have said “No” unequivocally.  However, 3 years ago, my marriage wasn’t at all like it is today.  The Bible tells us to cling to our spouses but some of us still cling to everyone but our spouses.  The very day that I made the decision to always put my husband before my children, grown or not, my marriage changed for the better.  Not only is this rule good for you, your spouse and your marriage, there is an incredible lesson being taught to your children.  Your children learn that there is no room for division.  They learn what it means to have unity and security.  Moreover, when they are older, they will be more likely to enjoy healthy, happy marriages themselves.  It has been proven time and time again that if your marriage is not strong, your children will be able to feel and sense it which in turn makes them insecure.  Being on the same page and putting your spouse first teaches your children that they cannot dismantle the family hierarchy but rather fortify their role in the family as well, thereby avoiding confusion.

In my opinion, Ms. Waldman has it on point.  The luckiest thing that has ever happened to me is meeting my husband.  It is a remarkable feeling to know that he and I always have one another’s back, that we stand united together in not just our decisions, but in the wholeness of our marriage.  Although our children may not like it at times, they know they cannot drive wedges between us nor can they play one of us against the other.  These are life lessons that they take into adulthood and into their own marriages.  By my husband and I always putting one another first and taking care of our marriage first, we are making sure our needs as a couple are being met.  For example, when you board an airplane, what is the first thing that happens?  The flight attendants teach you how to use the oxygen masks first as parents, and then give them to your children, correct?   That is because if you are not stable, they won’t be stable.  The same applies in your marriage and family life.  If you as parents aren’t stable, there is no way you can provide a stable environment for your children.  The most important part of that stability is loving your husband or wife first and putting your marriage before your children.

Say yes to your marriage and remember the number one rule:  Love each other first.

Peace & Blessings.
Di

Our Favorite Hollywood Blended Family – The Smiths

The Smith Family

The Smith family, which includes actor Will Smith, his beautiful wife, actress, Jada Pinkett-Smith and their 3 children, Trey (from Will’s prior marriage), Jaiden and Willow, are one of my favorite Hollywood blended families. The entire family, including Will’s ex-wife, Sheree and her husband, former NFL player, Terrell Fletcher appeared on the show.

When Oprah expressed that stepmom and ex-wife apparently get along, Jada responded by saying that she and Sheree made a conscious effort, early on, to get along.

“Sheree and I BOTH had to make that decision because at the end of the day, we had Trey and he had to be our primary focus,” she says. “So we had to put aside our own craziness, our stuff, all the baggage that comes with it. She and I just had to focus on, ‘What does he need?’”

The equally beautiful and marvelous, Sheree Fletcher, also chimed in by saying that while getting to that place took time and lots of “conversation”, it was extremely important.

Sheree Fletcher

“You realize, [Will and I] had our chance, now it’s about those kids,” said Sheree.

Will and Jada also discussed their plan for marriage, specifically called a Marriage Business Plan. This plan outlines their goals for their life and marriage.

“If you don’t have a purpose for your relationship, if you don’t have a place that you’re going, something that you want to accomplish, something that you want to do, you can really get lost in the murk of the journey,” Will says. “There has to be a vision. Like, why are we together?”

Will and Jada also said that they stay out of the spotlight (drama) because they believe the higher power put them together. As such, they focus on the greater purpose of their marriage instead of focusing on the drama. In turn, they have been able to create and sustain wonderful relationships within their blended family and raise 3 incredibly grounded children in Hollywood.

A very big round of applause goes to the Smith’s blended family for creating a solid marriage for their children and putting all the craziness (as Jada describes) aside to create a healthy family for their children. I LOVE IT!!!!

Stepmom, Jada Pinkett-Smith’s Aha Moment: She tried to micromanage the world. By letting go and doing less, actress Jada Pinkett Smith realized she could actually be more.

Source: The Oprah Show and Oprah.com

Sometimes There Are No Do Overs!

Bruce, Demi, Ashton and daughters

Quite often I am asked one question; How do you repair a broken relationship with your ex-spouse? Most times, when ex-spouses present this question to me, they are wanting an answer that includes a magic formula for having a Bruce and Demi or Nicole and Eddie Murphy relationship in which everyone (new partners and all) get together on the regular and become fast friends.  The problem is that this is not always possible, and sometimes an ex-spouse has to accept that although you’ll never be great friends, you can have a co-operative co-parenting relationship. Aiming for unrealistic expectations usually ends up with hurt feelings and kids caught in the middle.

Most divorces end with a certain amount of anger, disappointment, uncertainty and confusion. One or both parties may say or do things that they really don’t mean to hurt the other due to the above-mentioned emotions.  It’s a natural human reaction to sadness, anger and disappointment. You’re hurting so naturally you want the other party to hurt as well. When these impulsive reactions are minor and short-lived, it’s easy to forgive, recover from and even end up as friendly co-parents. However, sometimes there are no do overs and it can be impossible to recover from certain actions enough to actually be friends afterward.

For example, in a situation where a parent alienates a child for years, but then has a change of heart or the court intervenes and orders that the other parent be able to have regular visitation with the child, it will be hard to recover from that in order to be friends.  Or, how about the recent Dwayne Wade vs. his estranged wife case, where the ex-wife goes as far as suing the new girlfriend because her children got medium sized gifts, but the new girlfriend got the biggest gift of all for Christmas. There are also cases where the ex-wife constantly has the ex-husband in court for things like forgetting to administer medicine during visitation or calling the child outside of the court-ordered time. These types of things may even be forgivable, but they certainly aren’t forgettable.

In cases where there are simply hurt or unresolved feelings it’s easy for the divorced couple to repair their relationship, move forward and eventually become friends. But, when a parent has missed out on years of his child’s life as a result of the other parent, or has had to spend thousands of dollars in frivolous court battles, it’s darn near impossible to forget those things. You can repair your relationship enough to be cordial for the kids, but it’s unrealistic to assume that you’ll be great friends afterward. As a matter of fact, it’s unfair to ask the victim of such acts to just forget about missing out on years of your child’s life or the thousands of dollars spent unnecessarily in court, etc.; let’s just be friends.

Here’s the revelation: Sometimes there are no do overs. You might be able to make it better, but you won’t be able to make it right. When going through a divorce, consider the fact that there is a line that you cannot cross if you ever want to go back and repair a broken co-parenting relationship. Remember, when it’s all said and done, just because you feel better doesn’t mean that everybody else does. So think before you act impulsively and consider the long-term effect that those impulsive actions will have on your children. Lastly, it’s equally important for all divorced couples to realize aiming for friendship is  not a realistic goal for all divorced couples. For those who have been through war and suffered some lasting damage as a result, just being cordial is good enough.

Dads’ Summer Visitation

With Summer quickly approaching, a lot of non-custodial parents (who are usually dads) are about to embark on yet another Summer visitation.  With that being said, having a productive Summer visitation with your children should be on every dad’s wish list.  Most people see Summer visitation as images of beaches, amusement parks, going to bed late and getting up even later.   However, while our children deserve to have fun during the Summer, it should also be a productive time for them as well.  While our children undoubtedly are expectant of a fun Summer visitation, dads need to be careful not to “over do” or for a lack of better words, fall into the trap of the “disneyland dad” syndrome.  Summer visitation is a very important bonding time with your children, which should be fairly uninterrupted by the custodial parent, but also time that should be balanced by productiveness.

Being able to spend extra quality time with your children and making lasting memories with them will take them through the rest of their lives.  With that,  creating a positive experience during this time can be challenging without good preparation.  As such, preparation should also include your children.  Making plans ahead of time with your children’s involvement can be a fun activity.  For example, making weekly phone calls and perhaps exchanging emails to discuss updates and new plans.  By doing this you also strengthen the communication between yourself and  your children as well.  By making them a part of the planning, they will feel that their voices are being heard and their ideas considered as well.

Remember, by using your extended time well with your children, you will be making lasting memories that will pay great dividends in the future.  As parents, the most precious gift we can give our children is that of our time.  Your personal investment in spending time with your children is worth much more than any gift you can buy them.

Here are a few planning tips for you dads who might struggle with planning for your Summer visitations:

• Turn off the TV and you and your children sit down together and make your Summer activity “Wish List.”
• Plan a Summer road trip.  Whether it be a day trip or a weekend trip, explore new ground.
• Institute the “Summer Book Club.”  Read with your children.  Check out books at the library or purchase them and have family discussions about same.  This is a great, fun way to incorporate the much needed reading time over the Summer.
• Hit your local museums for the day.  Another way to incorporate education.
• Organize a family reunion.  Take the extra time to allow your children to visit your extended family.
• Volunteer.  There are lot of opportunities for people of all ages to volunteer.  Volunteering teaches humility, self-respect, respect for others, and most importantly, builds character in our children.  Teaching children to give of themselves is a life-long lesson that they will pass on for years to come.
• Check out fun Summer day camps.  All children benefit from social interaction outside of school.

Lastly, keep in mind, especially if there is a large geographical difference between your home and the custodial parents home, that Summer visitation can be an emotional time for children.  Helping them to prepare ahead of time helps to calm their anxieties.  Allowing your children to have somewhat frequent contact with the custodial parent gives them a sense of security and helps to calm their nerves about becoming homesick.  However, its also important that custodial parents remember how important it is for their children to have that uninterrupted quality/bonding time with the non-custodial parent as it makes for extremely well-rounded children who are filled with self-esteem because they are encouraged to have healthy relationships with both of their parents.

May your Summer visitation be productive, filled with lasting memories and full of fun times!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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