Infidelity is No Longer Taboo

It’s all over the newspapers, ragmags and television.   The child of John Edwards’  mistress is his daughter.   Tiger Woods and his 14 “other women.”  We can’t seem to escape the subject of infidelity in today’s marriages.

If you have experienced infidelity in your personal relationship or marriage, you’re not alone.  Infidelity is one of the leading reasons for divorce, broken homes, domestic violence and disrupted children.

I recently read a fabulous book entitled “Why Men Cheat” written by Paul Blanchard.  In his book, the statistics concerning men in particular are stunning.  Most surveys taken put male infidelity at a figure above 60% with some studies showing that rate close to 75%.  These same statistics show that although women cheat as well, they are at least twice as faithful as their male counterparts.  Another stunning statistic is the rate among gay males.  It has been estimated that over 90% of gay males in long-term relationships cheat on their partners.

Although the after effects of infidelity often leads to divorce, some partners/spouses are able to muddle their way through to an end result of a stronger marital bond.  However, there are those instances where a partner or spouse learns to accept this type of behavior and the unfaithfulness continues.

According to Mr. Blanchard, only one out of every four men actually leave their wives for the other woman.  This is not surprising to me.  Most men do not cheat on their wives because they don’t love them.  It is usually because they are missing something emotionally.   Most people believe “men will be men” and that they will cheat because of their animalistic ways, but that is not true.  I have talked to several men who have experienced infidelity and almost all of them said they loved their wives but that she couldn’t connect with them emotionally.  This is definitely not a valid excuse, in my opinion;  however, it is something that women need to be made more aware of.  Mr. Blanchard goes on to say that the biggest myth believed by many is the idea that if a man is happily married, he will not cheat.  Wrong again!

As Mr. Blanchard so eloquently states, “love is not a rational feeling.  Sometimes it leads to pure happiness and other times it leads to pain.  It is such a powerful emotion that it changes lives and perspectives.”  My take from that is his reasoning for the above.  People make irrational mistakes that lead to pain in marriages and relationships in general.  It’s what we learn from those mistakes that matter in the end.  Unfortunately, we have to learn that divorce may be the consequence, and fortunately for some, that mistake may lead to a stronger relationship if the right help is asserted.

The institute of marriage has been attacked by infidelity.  Marriage has become less of a commitment and divorce has become an all too easy option.  When we commit to our marriages and take our precious vows, we are supposed to be bound to our trust and to our loyalty to our unions.  As has been often stated, marriage is hard work! Although the path through infidelity is a hard one to take, I believe that one can find restoration and healing through a renewed commitment to yourself and to your marriage as well as  through communication and open counseling.

Let me put out my disclaimer to you readers that by all means, I am not encouraging anyone to stay in an unhealthy marriage.  However, marriage is extremely personal to each individual and where immediately heading to divorce court might be good for one couple, it may not be the answer for the next.

My question would be…”What is your marriage worth to you?”   TMF readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this very touchy subject.  I welcome your thoughts and opinions.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Elizabeth Edwards: Courageous or Cowardly?

“Courage:  The ability to face danger without fear”

“Coward:  One who shows ignoble fear in the face of pain or danger.”

Elizabeth Edwards has been all over the news networks, Oprah and Larry King Live discussing the release of her new memoir, “Resilience.”

A lot of the commentary has been positive, but Elizabeth has also come under fire for not only writing a book about her husband’s affair with Rielle Hunter but also about her decision to stand by her husband, John Edwards.  During her interview with Oprah, Elizabeth seems to refuse to place blame where 99.9% of the blame is due, and that is on her husband.  Instead, she chooses to blame Ms. Hunter for seducing him.  Although I can cannot completely imagine the pain she must be feeling, and certainly I can understand her thought process, I feel John Edwards is the responsible party and she should place blame where blame is due and that is on her husband.   Sure, Ms. Hunter played a huge role in this situation and both parties involved in affairs are to blame, but when you are married, the choice you make regarding YOUR marriage is YOUR responsibility.

In my opinion, all along the campaign trail, women thought John Edwards was “HOT” (this is how Mrs. Edwards describes Ms. Hunter’s way of seducing her husband). My problem with him is that the first time he was seriously approached by a woman, he folded like a deck of cards at a poker game.   Only this time, Mr. Edwards turned out to be the “JOKER.”

In Elizabeth Edwards’ defense, she is terminally ill.   When I put this all in perspective, I cannot even begin to imagine what she must be going through inside.  Not only has she had to deal with public humiliation (i.e., not just dealing with a very publicly-known affair — but possibly a love child being involved as well) but she also has this dark cloud of cancer hanging over her head and the reality of one day leaving her small children, not mention the fact that she has already faced the worst thing imaginable and that is losing a child.  Mr. & Mrs. Edwards lost their 16 year old son, Wade, in a car accident in 1995.  Maybe writing this book and speaking up is therapeutic for her.  Maybe it is her way of venting and telling her side of the story.  I so vividly remember when Hillary Clinton stood by her husband, our former President, and did not speak up or even half way address his issues or her feelings on the matter.  Hillary was criticized by the media and the American people for not doing so.  Now, Elizabeth Edwards DOES speak up after-the-fact, after having some time to heal a bit, and she is equally chastised and criticized for doing so.  This is very disturbing to me.  What does this really say about us as human beings?  Whether she knew before or after he decided to run is a moot point.  It is her choice to decide to stay in her marriage, no if ands or buts about it.

In speaking about why she wrote the book, Mrs. Edwards says she wanted to leave a last “letter” or “memoir” for her children.  She went on to say that her breast cancer has spread to her bones and currently is in her thigh bone.  To me, if this courageous woman wants to tell her side of the story, no matter what she knew, didn’t know; no matter how she felt or didn’t feel, then SO BE IT.   The public and the news media need to get over themselves!  Mrs. Edwards’ decision to stay with her husband and continue to follow him in his political aspirations at the time is not only her own personal choice, but her right as a human being, his wife and the mother of his children.  She may not have had faith in him as her husband at that time, but she very well could have still had faith in his political agenda.  That’s all that matters.

Mrs. Edwards’ situation saddens me because as women, we are “damned if we do and damned if we don’t.” If we stay, and then talk about our challenges and triumphs, we are scorned.  If we stay and we DONT talk about anything, we are still scorned.  If we leave, we are quitters and not courageous and strong enough to control and handle our own situations and lives.

This memoir will be on the top of my reading list.  I encourage all of our BFSO readers to do the same.  This book is not just about John Edwards and his affair.  It is about the challenges we face in life and how to go about facing them with honor.  To me, Mrs. Edwards is not only RESILIENT, but STRONG-WILLED, COURAGEOUS, HONORABLE AND A WOMAN TO BE ADMIRED.

“Resilience:  The ability to recover rapidly in the FACE OF MISFORTUNE”

I will continue to pray for this family and for Mrs. Edwards.

Peace and Continued Blessings,
Di