The Blended Family Survival Guide – Part I

March 15, 2011 By 2 Comments

“Brandi Mitchell just gets it!” 

TMF Readers, I have had the honor and pleasure of reading Brandi Mitchell’s “The Blended Family Survival Guide” and to simply put it, not only was I impressed with her work but I was enamored with her uncanny ability to use her own personal experience as a stepping stone to help others who may be in the midst of their own blended family firestorm.  The Blended Family Survival Guide is not just a guide for all of us blended family members offering tips, tools, advice, legal research, etc., but packs a serious powerhouse punch to the issues all blended families face.  I encourage all of you readers to go directly to Brandi’s site www.theblendedfamilysurvivalguide.com to get  your copy of this amazing book!  I promise, you won’t be disappointed.  Below is a snippet of what you will get from this fabulous book! 

“When Prince Charming found me, glass slipper in hand, we vowed our love to each other for eternity, as he whisked me off to Blendedville to live happily ever after. What I didnt expect, on the way to my not-so-new castle, was that we would pick up two, little adorable travelers that would go on the journey with us! Oh, and by the way, did I mention that my carriage had to stop to pick up my little travelers at two different houses? Now, a young princess in my new blended world, I had no map or compass to guide me through the blended journey, nor had I realized the true effect my ready-made family would have on my own marriage and future children.”

Stay tuned readers for Part II of this post where I will be interviewing the fabulous Ms. Brandi Mitchell herself!  You will not want to miss this one!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Crisis in the Family Court System

April 18, 2010 By 8 Comments

familycourtsCrisis in the family court system was the topic of a Dr. Phil show that aired a couple of days ago. He wanted to know if the legal system was letting our children down, and according to the testimonies of his guests, it is! His guests stories were centered around domestic violence and the women who pleaded with the family court judges to order supervised visitation out of fear that their ex-husbands would harm or even kill their children. After several attempts, the judges assumed that the women were lying and denied their requests for supervised visits and/or restraining orders. As a result, the ex-husbands were able to follow through with their threats and ended up killing their own children, just so that their mother wouldn’t have them either. My heart ached for these women as I can imagine how they must feel knowing that they tried to stop such a horrific act from occurring, but couldn’t persuade a judge to listen to them.

My answer to the above-mentioned question; is the family court system failing our children, is a resounding yes! Having said that, there is some benefit to adhering to certain legal orders in family court. For example, visitation orders which indicate days and times of visitation prevent mom and dad from arguing over who gets the child, when and for how long. I have often expressed, however, that overall the courts rarely act in the best interest of the children for a few reasons:

The Most Persuasive Argument

Judges are taught and programmed to pay the most attention to the most persuasive argument and usually the most persuasive argument comes from the most experienced attorney or an extremely charismatic individual who is representing his or herself.  This does not mean that this argument is coming from or for the person who is actually acting in the best interest of the child. It simply means that he or she had the most money to hire an experienced, really good attorney or he or she is a damn good con artist. Judges are only concerned with the facts and not the emotion, so it’s best that you present your case and back it up with some concrete evidence (emails, text messages, saved voice mails, letters, witness statements…). Going to court and pleading your undying love for your children and/or saying that you fear for their lives, apparently and unfortunately, won’t cut it.  They will only assume that you are lying and will do anything so that he will rule in your favor.

Influenced by Societal Perception

We often forget that judges are not little forms of God; they are human and therefore are influenced by society as well as what they see in the media regarding divorce and remarriage. Some judges just automatically think that dad is a deadbeat because it is what society has believed and projected for so long. Whether it is through a movie, talk show, television show, magazine, etc. , they form their overall opinions from those types of mediums, especially if they haven’t experienced divorce or stepfamily life themselves.  That being said, recently society has created a new perception called the lying mother. No matter what she says, she’s just lying because she wants to keep her children away from their father. Judges will be persuaded to go with one of those two scenarios and unfortunately, most times they’ve already made up their minds based on the view they’ve received from the media instead of paying close attention to the individual case.

Lack of Knowledge

divorcedparentsMost judges have no personal experience regarding the dynamics of divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life and therefore rely on what they’ve heard (usually in the media as mentioned above) to give the final ruling in their cases. They also rely on parental liasons/advocates, individuals who are usually clinical psychologists whom are appointed to provide the judge with information (after talking to both parents and the child), solely based on the best interest of the child. They are appointed to give that unbiased view of the situation so the judge can make an unbiased decision. The problem is that most of these individuals have no or very little knowledge regarding they complex dynamics of divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life either. As such, you just get a bunch of people making a bunch of generalized decisions for children who are caught in the middle.

As a result of the above-mentioned we end up with children who are alienated from their fathers because the judge assumes he’s a deadbeat and their mother is the victim. We end up with children who are awarded custody to abusers because the judge assumes the mother is lying and the father isn’t a deadbeat. And all these generalized decisions definitely aren’t in the best interest of the children. The question that remains, however, is how do we attempt to fix a broken family court system. In my personal and professional opinion, blogs, magazines, books, etc., written by people who are actually or have experienced divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life, will help to shed some light on the different types of issues that these modern families face. In my professional opinion, we need more advocates (stepfamily therapists) in the system who are really knowledgeable on the issues of the stepfamily, divorce and remarriage and those individuals are people who are living or have lived it.

Overall, judges in the family court system need to realize that there isn’t a one size fits all approach to ruling in these types of cases. Not all dads are deadbeats. Some mothers do purposely alienate their children from their fathers out of nothing but spite. BUT, not all mothers alienate their children without good reason. Some mothers have been abused, know that their ex-husbands aren’t stable and fear for their children’s lives. As such, it’s important to pay close attention to the facts and in some cases, where extreme allegations are made (he said he would kill my children), to err on the side of caution. If a mother approaches the court expressing that her ex-husband had made threats to, or she just feels like he will kill her children if supervised visitation isn’t granted, that judge has let those kids down if he doesn’t even take the appropriate steps to prove or disprove that allegation. She could be lying, but she also could be telling the truth, and if she is, I certainly wouldn’t want that on my conscious! Finally, judges need to pay more attention to the children and not the war between the parents. If a child has to be carried away, kicking and screaming, for visitation with the non-custodial or custodial parent, that speaks volumes so listen! Children are good indicators as to what’s going on in the home. Don’t be so quick to assume that the other parent must be brainwashing the child as this isn’t always the case. And in most cases, even if one parent is brainwashing the child, it wouldn’t result in the child being forced to visit the parent kicking and screaming. That child may be more disrespectful toward the parent and/or a step-parent, but he or she wouldn’t fear going to visit.

The above mentioned scenarios are the types of situations that warrant a qualified stepfamily coach, counselor or therapist to aid the court system with determining what’s best for the children. The family court system has let our children down in one way or another and it shouldn’t continue to happen. Parents approach the court when they can’t work it out on their own and they shouldn’t feel even more discouraged after leaving court. Doing so, causes and motivates them to take matters into their own hands, and in most cases, that is never a good thing.

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Montel Williams – Bad Father or Parental Alienation?

January 30, 2010 By 1 Comment
*Jan 14 - 00:05*

Montell Williams II and Wyntergrace

Montel Williams’ two children say the talk show host, who tried to paint himself as a responsible and devoted father, has all but abandoned them amid a bitter custody battle.

“My dad is now like a stranger,” his 14-year-old daughter, Wyntergrace, tells the ‘New York Daily News’. “Everyone knows him as a great guy, but he’s not making the best choices as a parent.”

Williams, who won Emmys hosting his daytime show, currently hosts a radio show and sells a number of products for ‘Living Well’.

But, despite receiving over $18,000 a month in child support for the two of them, the kids say they are missing the emotional support they need.

“I wouldn’t say I really have a relationship with my dad,” she says. “He’s not in my life right now. It’s his choice. I eat every night. I’m comfortable, but I can’t say I have him as a father. There’s all this fighting over things that shouldn’t be a fight, like paying for my PSAT.”

Wyntergrace says she’s seen him four times in five years and their last meeting didn’t go well.

“He walked in already mad. He said he thought we were going to dinner, but my email clearly said we were going to see my therapist,” she explains. “It was intimidating. I was thinking, ‘Why should I talk if I’m just going to get yelled at?’”

In response to the story, Montel says he doesn’t want to get into it: “I love my children very much. I do not believe parenting is best done in a public forum and I will not comment on ongoing legal action involving my minor children.”

Montel and Grace Morley, who divorced in 2000, have joint custody, and have been engaged in a 10 year fight over the children. Morley wants full custody but the 53-year-old is refusing to give up his decision making power.

“He has been trying to go out to dinner with them, to call them, to speak to them. And he’s been unable to accomplish that at a reasonable level,”  his lawyer said, according to a transcript.

This story was first published by the NY Daily News.

My response to this story:

After supporting my husband through his battle, with his ex-wife, over their son for nearly a decade, I am never quick to believe the whole “the father abandoned his kids” story. I know that there is always more than one side to the story. It’s just that the custodial mom’s side is the one that is often told and sympathized with by the court system. Additionally, it’s unfortunate that the kids walk away from these type of situations with a tainted view of their father which is often based on half truths.

That being said,  let me point out some of the inconsistencies that I see in this story.

  1. I know more than a few actual deadbeat fathers. These fathers have never supported their children. They walked away and didn’t look back. They have evaded the child support system and aren’t the least bit interested in financially or emotionally supporting their children. I know a few of  these fathers personally! Out of all of them, NONE have paid child support or engaged in a 10 year fight with their ex over anything. Why would a man battle over children that he has supposedly abandoned and doesn’t care about? What I have seen, however, are custodial moms who make it darn near impossible for a man to remain actively involved, but then complain that he’s not involved, and those fathers are the ones who have been fighting for years to remain even minimally involved in their children’s lives.
  2. Those same deadbeat dads that I mentioned earlier don’t have or desire to have joint custody. They don’t refuse to give up their decision making power over kids they don’t care about.
  3. I also don’t know fathers who supposedly abandon their children, but try to call them, speak to them or have dinner with them, but has been unable to at a reasonable level. BUT, I do know custodial moms who are completely unreasonable when it comes to the terms by which the father can see his children. For example, you can see them only if you come to my house and your wife is not around. Or, you can see them from 1-3pm, on a weekday, when she knows the father has to work. Williams’ lawyer is probably referring to similar terms when he alleges that he has been unable to see them at a reasonable level.

As I stated, there is always more than one side to these contentious ex-husband vs. ex-wife/mother vs father stories and the kids are often times caught in the middle. Additionally, they are left to draw their own conclusions, which are usually based on half truths or just plain lies. Dads in this situation usually try to protect their children by not revealing their side of the story, hoping that one day the truth will come out on its own. The problem is that these children have often endured years of mom’s story and begin to believe that it’s the whole truth and nothing but. And by the time dad has an opportunity to tell his story, when the kids are older, the kids often times, don’t want to hear it.

I hope that Montel Williams can work it out with his children. More importantly, I hope that Grace Morley supports their relationship because it is what’s best for them.

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When going through a divorce, be prepared!

October 14, 2009 By 6 Comments

divorcedecreeBelow is a conversation I had with a reader, offering advice as she prepared for her divorce. Be advised that names have been changed to protect her confidentiality.

Reader: This Wednesday, we have child support court at 1pm. Currently, we are maintaining separate households, and I know that the court will establish visitation and address child support.

I am writing you because I was wanting to know if you have any tips on how I can ease the transition for the kids. Boy is 2 and Girl is 7 months. A major concern of mine is that  Ex-husband hasn’t developed much of a relationship with Girl. Also I am going to need a divorce lawyer, as well. I am thinking that it should be a fairly simple case since we have no assets to divide. Any input or thoughts that you have would be greatly appreciated. I have not told anyone of my discussion except for my parents. Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

My Response: Frequent contact and maintaining some sort of routine will be essential to easing the transition for your babies during this time. It’s important that visitation pick up and drop off times are strictly adhered to. Additionally, it’s better for them to have similar surroundings at both mom and dad’s house. For example, they should have a room at your house with some of their favorite things, as well as a room at dads’ house with some of their favorites. Basically, it should feel like home no matter where they are laying their heads for the night.

It might also help to start reading some kid friendly books to them regarding divorce. I’ve included links to a few below. The first one, Where Am I Sleeping Tonight, is for slightly older children (3rd or 4th grade), but you could “dumb it down” so to speak, for Boy. It will help to answer his questions or address his frustrations in a very matter of fact type of way. Remember, the children feed off of your emotion. If you embrace this change, your children will eventually embrace it. If you act anxious, nervous, heart broken (in front of them), then they will pick up on that as well.

As far as the visitation is concerned, I can definitely relate to your concerns. My son was 3 and a half when his dad and I parted ways and his father had never really had any involvement in his life. He is an overseas basketball player who works in Spain for 10 months out of the year. As such, he never had the opportunity to bond with him prior to our break up. The courts took this into consideration and awarded him frequent short visits, as opposed to longer overnight visits, during the summer months. As a matter of fact, this is automatically taken into consideration when deciding visitation for infants and toddlers. Attached are the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines concerning infants and toddlers. The courts usually adhere to such guidelines.

Regarding the attorney, I’ve recommended a few below. I’ve only personally used one of them, but the others are highly recommended.

Overall, be advised that it will be a huge mistake to go to court unprepared and without an attorney. No matter how simple the case may seem to you, I’ve always found that they are a lot more complicated than what we might think. Protect yourself and your children’s best interest by getting a good attorney in the very beginning. You’ll find that it will likely save you tons of money in the end.

Let me know if you have any additional questions. I’m here to help. Oh and check out those links to those books below.

Grace and Peace,

http://www.amazon.com/Where-Sleeping-Tonight-Story-Divorce/dp/1878076302/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242503478&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Dinosaurs-Divorce-Marc-Brown/dp/0316109967/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c/179-2123306-1893056

http://www.amazon.com/Was-Chocolate-Pudding-Little-Divorce/dp/1591473098/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/179-2123306-1893056

Reader: Court went very well and a tremendous burden has been lifted from my shoulders now that the order is in place. I really appreciate all that you have done and as you stated it does pay to be prepared. Ex-husband tried to say that he made 6k less a year then what he makes but because I had the last pay stub that was mailed to the house I was able to dispute that, and he also stated he had the kids 3 overnights a week but because I kept a calendar of when he did and didn’t keep the kids I was able to dispute that as well.

God is good and I know this is only the beginning of the end. I look forward to getting my life back on track and I hope to have everything in place by the end of the year.

Thanks again!

My Response: I’m so glad that things went well for you!!! I’ve been keeping you and your family in my prayers. Additionally, I am SO glad that you were PREPARED!!! I can’t stress this enough to my clients who are going through a divorce. Often times, we don’t want to and can’t even believe that our former spouses would even be capable of such things, but divorce seems to bring the bad out in almost everybody. All of sudden they are lying about income (it happened to me), lying about visitation (it happened to me) and lying about the amount of money that they pay to take care of the child (it happened to me). As such, I always tell my clients to expect the possible worst (be prepared to defend yourself), but pray for the best.

Divorce is hard. It’s difficult to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever, but it can be just as exciting and rewarding to write a whole new book. Just for comfort, support and encouragement, check out the excerpt of my article on “Divorce Parties” here. Embrace this change so that you can move on, for yourself and your babies.

Good luck to you and your family! I’m so glad I could help.

Kela

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New Zealand considers child support based on need, not income!

October 5, 2009 By 3 Comments

The following article was first published here on www.glennsacks.com.

The government of New Zealand is apparently considering changes to its child support laws that would require the non-custodial parent to pay according to the child’s needs, not according to the parent’s income.  According to father’s rights advocate Darrell Carlin, such a change would encourage parents without custody to pay.  In New Zealand, about one-third of non-custodial parents are in arrears on child support obligations.  That’s the most in five years and amounts to over $500 million in arrearages plus $1 billion in penalities.

Carlin added,

“I don’t find many fathers who don’t want to support their kids, but they’re troubled supporting their ex’s lifestyle.”

That’s a common complaint in this country as well.  Here, non-custodial fathers are significantly better about paying child support than are non-custodial mothers, according to U.S. Census Bureau data.  So such a change to the law, if enacted here, would likely be welcomed by “visiting” parents of both sexes.

And, as I’ve reported before, the U.S. Office of Child Support Enforcement has, for a long time, been trying, with little success, to get family courts to set support at levels non-custodial parents are actually capable of paying.  So, since courts aren’t paying much attention to what non-custodial parents earn anyway, maybe it would be a good idea to junk the whole system and start over by looking first to what children need.

Now, ignoring altogether the earnings of the non-custodial parent doesn’t seem like a good idea either.  A parent out of work may be unable to meet even the bare-bones needs of a child, while requiring a wealthy parent to pay only the minimum for a child who’s used to more seems punitive toward the child.  So I’d favor establishing a range with zero as the lower end and some other figure at the upper.  Zero would apply to a parent who is truly destitute and the upper end would be the maximum regardless of the non-custodial parent’s income.

Whatever the merits or demerits of the option now being considered in New Zealand, the real best solution is, once again, equally shared parenting.  With equal or nearly equal time for both parents, and a custody agreement between the two, child support would be unnecessary.  With child support unnecessary in the large majority of cases, we could shut down most of the callous bureaucracy that so often ill serves parents, children and states.

Even with a presumption of equally shared parenting, there will always be some cases in which one parent has primary custody.  In those cases, child support will need to be ordered by a court and it would be a good idea to order it in a way that it can be paid.  In those cases, the idea currently being debated in New Zealand is worth looking at here.

And, not surprisingly, that’s what Darrell Carlin thinks too.  He emphasizes shared parenting as the obvious way to equalize the costs of child care.

BFSO readers, what do you think about enforcing child support based on need and not income. We want to hear from you!

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Reader’s Question…How do I fix my relationship with my ex-spouse?

April 14, 2009 By 6 Comments

Hello,

I have two challenges that I could use some help with….
I have been divorced since May ‘08. My ex is presently in Mexico getting remarried. They called tonight to leave a message for our 7 year old daughter. After her message, their phone line did not cut off and the machine taped several minutes of them bad mouthing me and making comparative and hurtful statements. (These were all perspectives on me, our relationship and the break-up that I had never heard before.) When we split, my ex had been more compassionate and insightful about our relationship and seemed to view it within a holistic context in which we each shared responsibility in both its success and “failure”. We are already relating poorly and now I really feel like I cannot trust him (them). How can we move out of this when our perspectives are so radically different?

The second challenge is in our child custody arrangement (and relates to the first challenge as well). My ex is an ER doc. He argued that he cannot commit to a regular schedule as his shifts are inconsistent. He also has never felt strongly about maintaining a relationship with our daughter- feeling like he couldn’t do it because of his work- and, that the adoption was my idea and he didn’t really want to do it. He couldn’t quite admit this in court so he did agree to average 10 days a month with her. When he is with her, he seems to enjoy his time and she enjoys being with him. What’s happened is that he gets looser and looser with following through. (Doesn’t let us know his schedule until the last minute, doesn’t follow through with his agreements, schedules trips without coordinating as agreed…) When confronted, he rebels. His words and actions don’t match. Out of frustration, I said I was ready to go back to court to establish a consistent schedule so that we would all know what to expect and could plan our lives. He reacted by stating he would argue for physical custody (which I now have) and would stop paying child support. So, its all or nothing. How can I work with this while maintaining some boundaries for our daughter and myself?

BTW, these entanglements are similar to ones I had hoped to divorce myself from in the marriage. I really thought that the divorce decree would provide more structure and I would have more autonomy. Ironically, I still feel controlled.

My Response:

Thanks for visiting BFSO!

First off, let me assure you that I can identify with how you feel as I have been where you are. I’m sorry that you are experiencing the same pain.

I can understand you being a little, well maybe even a lot, upset by the comments you overheard your ex and his new wife saying. It’s always hurtful to hear someone saying things that aren’t so nice about us. That being said, I’m an avid believer in truly accepting your reality. The reality is that even though you may not have heard these things before doesn’t mean that your ex never felt this way. It only means that he was ‘kind’ enough not to say it to your face. If you’re really honest with yourself, I’m certain that you’ve said some not so nice things about him, too. After all, you said that you two were already relating poorly, so don’t be too quick to blame this one phone call (that you weren’t even supposed to hear) on your inability to trust him at this point. That phone call has nothing to do with the child and if you have any chance at co-parenting effectively, you must learn to separate the two. I tell all of my divorced parents to be conscious of “I” versus “our child” statements. If all of the statements out of your mouth are…”I was hurt when you…,” “I didn’t like it when you…,” “It makes me sad when you…,” then how you’re feeling probably has more to do with you than with your child. Your perspective on how your relationship ended bears no relevance in how you move forward to raise your daughter. One has nothing to do with the other and you must adopt this mentality if you want a chance at co-parenting effectively in the future.

That being said, this next issue is definitely about your daughter. Children definitely benefit from consistent meaningful contact with both parents. I can certainly understand, however, his work schedule, as an ER doctor generally isn’t a 9 to 5 profession. What was your husband’s work schedule like before the divorce? Did he consistently spend quality time with your daughter when you were married? If not, it isn’t realistic to think that he would change when you divorce. I’m certainly not condoning his behavior. I’m simply trying to get you to accept your reality. When we truly accept our reality we know how to move forward. But if you have a false sense of reality, your expectations will likely far exceed what they should.

I was in your position at one point, too. My ex was and honestly, still is (from a physical and emotional standpoint), very inconsistent. He is an overseas basketball player and he too blames his actions on his work schedule. I used to fight, but now I just don’t anymore. The court order, fighting, or trying to civilly communicate hasn’t changed him and never will. I realized that he has to make that decision all on his own and hope that our son is here to receive him when and if that happens.

Sherri, there really is no easy answer to setting boundaries for you and your daughter. Yes, the divorce decree is SUPPOSED to provide more structure but that only happens when both parents mutually agree to put their child’s interest above their own. It simply doesn’t work, if you both aren’t on the same page. And, there is ALWAYS compromise involved when trying to get on the same page. You can’t expect him to meet you where you are and he can’t expect the same of you. You BOTH are going to have to make some concessions in order for you to communicate effectively enough to co-parent! Also, be advised that it hasn’t even been a year and it’s going to take some time to move past the hurt and to a peaceful existence. Often times, when we are stewing over hurt feelings we don’t focus on what’s right because we don’t want to. It’s a natural human reaction to being hurt and pissed off. Allow you both to have some time to move past it instead of assuming that you are automatically going to be the loving happy divorced parents who co-parent their child perfectly. Trust me, it takes time to get to that point, if you even arrive at that point at all. It’s all about accepting your reality.

So, my suggestion would be to try to COMMUNICATE with instead of CONFRONTING your ex-husband. When you confront someone it automatically puts them on the defensive. Remember, you’re not interested in being right or attacking him. Your main goal is to communicate, with an intent to understand, so that you can begin to co-parent your daughter in a manner that is most beneficial to her. You set the tone for how things are to going operate from this point on.

I hope I’ve helped, Sherri. Please feel free to shoot me an email at kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com, or respond to this message, if you need clarification on any of my points.

Warmly,

*Kela*

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Blended Family Financial Planning by Dr. Taffy Wagner

March 19, 2009 By Leave a Comment

I’m in a Blended Family – Where Do I Start with Money?

Congratulations for getting married again. If you are in a blended family
and are shaking your head because you do not know where to start, I have
some answers for you. Let’s face it when you were not in a blended family,
managing money was not easy. Now you find that you have even more
questions because of the family dynamics that you are dealing with.

Recognize that you are not only dealing with your immediate household, but also another parent because there are children involved. What I am
proposing to you is for your immediate household and you take into account the variables that I could be missing. I don’t have to know all those variables; however, you should include them so you do not make any financial mistakes.

When entering into a blended family, I would recommend as the first step
if you have not done it already is to establish a financial foundation for
your household. Look at what did you do in your previous relationship,
what did you do when you were single. Also look at what your spouse did
prior to your marriage and now the two of you need to establish a
financial foundation for your household.

Meaning you need to sit down and share how you managed money. Who would be best at managing the money now? What are the different bills that need to be paid and when? What is the amount being paid for child support each month? It is my belief that if you are in a blended family, the
responsibility of caring for a child to include support has already been
discussed and both parties understand what is to happen.

I would also say if you brought additional bills to the relationship, the
two of you need to decide and prioritize how to handle this. You do not
want to leave anything out which would give you an opportunity to get your marriage started on a solid foundation. Do not walk in with rose colored glasses, but have your eyes wide open. When you said I do, that meant also to everything that comes along with the spouse.

Being in a blended family can be a beautiful thing. Take the time to
invest in your marriage and your family. Set an example for everyone
watching to see that it can work if you want it to.

If you have a specific question, do not hesitate to send me a question to
info@DebtAtTheAltar.com and let’s get it answered. If you do not want your name or question shared on the blog, let me know.

Dr. Taffy Wagner
Creator of Money Talk Before The Commitment Walk and The Debt Stops At The Altar
www.DebtAtTheAltar.com
303-576-0670

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Divorce, Child Support and Equally Taking Care of Children

March 9, 2009 By 14 Comments

Last week I was perusing some of my favorite blogs when I ran into a post on ex-wives and child support payments. An ex-wife was really upset because she felt as if her ex-husband was neglecting his four children in order to give his second wife the finer things in life. Below is an excerpt from her letter on www.glennsacks.com.

 

“I think as a ex-wife I can say that men want the cake and bring a jug of milk, too! I have 4 children, and my ex is still with the woman he left us for. I can say that this slut woman comes before his children. Am I upset? Damn right. I could care less who he puts in his bed, but do I care if my children have what they should have or need. He takes his bitch on trips, and is never there for the kids. Oh, and this woman came to my baby shower for my last son, to let me know my ex was with her. As to child support, it isn’t enough to cover basic needs.

 

“The facts show that a child’s living standard goes down by 48% [after divorce]. That is a lot, but the men don’t have to look the kids in the eye and see the hurt when you tell them they can’t have something or play a sport because you can’t afford it. Just so long as daddy is happy! Man up and do right by your kids, even if you didn’t by your ex.

 

I took some time to really think about the reader’s letter and  the subsequent comments from other readers who weren’t too pleased with her perspective. I have mixed feelings about what she said. What I don’t understand is why she is so upset with the second wife. Why do women so quickly turn on each other? Her ex-husband is the one who left her for this woman, and I’m certain that he didn’t do it at gun point. If he is choosing to take his second wife on trips instead of paying child support, then why are you upset with her? Your ex-husband has a responsibility to his children and you have no child support agreement with her. It’s not her fault so don’t displace your anger. Now, I can understand a woman being disappointed and questioning the second wife’s moral character for choosing a man who doesn’t or barely takes care of his children. But, I don’t understand being upset to the point where you are calling her sluts or bitches; that’s uncalled for, in my opinion.

I know some women will disagree with me saying that it IS the other woman’s responsibility to NOT date a married man, but it is my belief that the man you took vows with bears most of the responsibility for protecting your marriage. Either she may not have even known about you, or you don’t know what he has told her about your marriage.

 

Readers were outraged with what she had to say regarding the child support issue, and this is what I took the most time to ponder.  I wanted to be certain as to how I felt about the issue prior to writing. Below is what some of the readers had to say:

1. This women obviously doesn’t understand the fact that the NCP’s child support payment are not supposed to COVER her costs of raising children. It is his HALF. Everytime I hear a custodial parent complain “he only sends me 10,000/year, how can I raise a kid on that?” I cringe. The custodial parent is supposed to contribute the same amount in proportion to her income. You are now divorced. You have to get a job and work. Your husband has another household to run, he is paying his share for the kids and that is ALL! (and the CS formulations are way too high to begin with, NO kid costs what the tables say, but you will NEVER hear a custodial parent say that, no matter how much the NCP sends, it is NEVER enough for them).

2.  As to child support, it isn’t enough to cover basic needs.’ bull…woman who know how to use (yes, abuse) the system get what they deserve based on MATH, not what she bitterly laments later as insufficient ‘to cover basic needs’. WAKE UP MOTHER! You have the kids so YOU have to pay for shelter for YOU. Your kids money is for THEIR FOOD and THEIR CLOTHS, PERIOD.If your respective financial conditions changed to warrent you ‘deserving’ more, it’s YOUR option to take it back to support court. In lieu of that, it’s YOUR responsibility to better budget your money. Buy cheaper food, buy cheaper cloths, and DON’T spend it elsewhere.While, if it’s true that your husband left you, know that betrayal works both ways to dear one. How about losing the home that your income alone bought, to your ex spouse after she took up with a boy 12 years her junior next door? Don’t cry about it, do something about it, or quit your bitchin.!

 

As an ex, the more I thought it about it, the angrier I got! Why is it that men always want to talk about their HALF only when it comes to their financial responsibility? If by your own assertion we are supposed to EQUALLY (that’s what HALF means, right?) take care of the child, then why are your mouths closed when it comes to doing your HALF in the areas of emotional and physical support as well? And, before you start talking about your little every other weekend or summer (for those of you who live out of state or the country) visitation, let me assure you that that doesn’t equate to HALF; it’s only about an eight of what we full-time parents do.

 

My husband and his ex-wife used to (prior to her preventing him from doing so, due to my arrival) equally care for their son after their divorce. My husband kept him for nearly 8 months out of the year and she had him for the remainder of the year. They also shared the financial responsibility for him, even though my husband physically had him more. Fellas, this is called HALF; more than HALF supporting your child.

 

 

So the next time you go screaming to your ex-wife about your HALF, be sure to check yourself to be certain that you’re doing your HALF in all of the other areas as well. If you want to continually question your ex-wife about how she budgets or mismanages money, be prepared to answer similar questions regarding how you mismanage your TIME!

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So Unfair – comments from another reader

August 27, 2008 By 30 Comments

I have heard many complaints, over the years, from divorced dads regarding unfair child support payments! It is something that my husband and I have struggled with, too.  It is an issue that can be the death of the blended family.  Sometimes divorced parents will continually make this issue about them, and it’s easy to do so because your finances is something that shouldn’t be taken lightly. But, it’s not about what your ex doesn’t need; it’s about what your child needs. If parents always consider the best interest of their child, then there shouldn’t be a problem. So, divorced dads don’t be stingy with your money by not paying child support or paying less than what your child deserves. You are not hurting your ex; you are hurting your child. And, divorced moms, don’t try to empty your ex’s bank account. Remember, that your child still has to have visitation with his father, and he has to have a house and money to take care of his child during visitation. You are not hurting your ex; you are only hurting your child. With that said, read the following comments from one of my readers and my response to her.

sad step mom Says:
August 25, 2008 at 5:51 pm e

I agree that both parents should support the child. I don’t agree that only the non-custodial parent should be doing so. What do you do when a custodial parent lies about daycare, education expenses, dance classes and so on just to get more money because she is financially irresponsible. The court doesn’t even require proof of such things. But we don’t get to even know the name of the dance studio or the daycare. She even tried to get her ex mother in law to tell the court that she paid her weekly for daycare. Thankfully the Ex MIL said she would not lie in court. We pay a huge amount of money and have no say in the childs life. We are lucky to see the child 6 days a month. She has had numerouse contempt charges based on all of this but we still can’t get joint custody.

 My Response

Thanks so much for your comments! They are always greatly appreciated.

Let me start by addressing what I perceive to be issue number 1: most of the financial burden falling on the non-custodial parent. I whole-heartedly agree that the child DESERVES to be financially, emotionally, and physically supported by both parents. But, that does not necessarily mean that the support will be totally equal. In regards to child support, it is set up so that the child continues the same lifestyle that he would have lived if his parents stayed together. Just because you get a divorce or split from the mother or father of your child doesn’t mean that you are any less responsible for caring for that child. As such, if the non-custodial parent can afford to pay more (without breaking his bank, of course), then he will likely do so. The child support system, in most states, considers both of custodial and non-custodial parent’s income when setting up child support. I know it can sometimes feel unfair, especially when the non-custodial parent isn’t allowed to be as involved as he would like to be (trust me, I know firsthand). But, don’t misplace your anger; sometimes excess emotional baggage can cause us to do this. Meaning, if we are really really mad at the ex-wife/baby’s mama (justified or not), then any and everything she does or we have to do as a result, is wrong. Is your husband really the only one financially supporting the child?? Unless he is paying for her mortgage or rent (shelter for his child), her car payment (transportation to get his child back and forth), food expenses (his child has to eat), health insurance (health care for his child) etc., then he is definitely not the ONLY one supporting the child. I’m certain that it takes a whole lot more than what your husband is paying in child support expenses to raise a child. I don’t doubt that his monthly child support payments help out a great deal, but that’s what he’s supposed to do; whether he sees the child or not. One has absolutely nothing to do with the other. You can’t punish (withhold child support) the child because of something that his or her mom is doing.

In regards to issue number two- your husband not being able to see his child. I completely understand where you are coming from. It’s a hard pill to swallow to know that you are doing what you’re supposed to be doing, but you aren’t allowed to be actively involved in your child’s life. It’s unfortunate, but this part of the system is not set up to produce favorable results for the father, who is often times the non-custodial parent. As I explained in one of my posts, Judges seemingly have tunnel vision when it comes to these family law issues. They assume that all dads are deadbeat dads and the moms are helpless hard workers who only want what’s best for the child. When the truth of the matter is that many dads just get tired (or run out of money) of fighting. It’s extremely taxing on the dad and the child. Not to mention, that there are many moms who could care less about the best interest of their child; they are more interested in just sticking it to the ex. I’ve worked and am still diligently working hard to change this. They have to start viewing these cases on an individual, instead of a generalized basis!

With that said, your husband certainly has a right to be informed and involved in his child’s life. I would suggest getting a good attorney to set up a visitation schedule that is in the best interest of the child.

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Who Comes First?

July 17, 2008 By Leave a Comment

A reader asked this question sometime ago via a magazine (Indiana Parenting) that I used to write for. It is a situation that is common in blended families (including mine at one point), so I thought I’d share her question and my response.

Question: I have two children with someone else, and I am married to someone who has a child with someone else. Our children have different school schedules because we live in different states. My husbands “baby mama” always wants his son with us when he’s out of school, but my children are still in school, and it is a HUGE distraction for them. They are all around the same age and get very excited when they are with each other. Therefore, my children go to school tired and unable to concentrate. So, I suggested that the visitation schedule be set up for times when all children are out of school (Christmas, Thanksgiving, Labor Day, MLK Day) so that no one suffers academically. We could also increase the number of weeks he spends with us in the summer because all children are out of school then (we currently only get him for 4 out of 12 weeks) My husband’s “baby mama” said that my husband should always consider the best interest of their son first no matter who is hurt by it. Simply put, my kids aren’t his kids (even though he’s the father figure in the home who’s raising them). KP, should my husband always consider his son first even though his decisions might hurt my children?

Answer: At the end of the day the blended family is hard for EVERYONE involved, not just one party and their children! When there are multiple children within the blended family they all have to be considered, and COMPROMISE MUST EXIST. All the children, on either side, can’t come first all the time. If everyone is considering their child first, then all you’re going to get is a 4 car collision. If your husband’s ex-wife is suggesting that he always consider their child first, then isn’t it fair for you to do the same? So, there has to be a compromise because every child won’t, and often times, shouldn’t be first all the time. The adults must do what is logical and best for all children involved. If it is a distraction for your husband’s son to be there when school is in session, that is completely understandable, and isn’t necessary when other options exist. If his ex-wife isn’t willing to review those options, then she is being difficult. Why can’t his son visit more during the summer and during the breaks when all children are out of school, as opposed to during the school year when school breaks and schedules are conflicting?

My advice to you and your husband is to remember the vows that you took before God – for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer, and forsaken all others. Those are powerful words that mean something, and you can’t throw them out the window because his ex-wife is trying to interfere or doesn’t agree. Although it is ideal for everyone involved to have a meeting of the minds, it often times isn’t likely. Therefore, you and your husband must achieve consensus when it comes to running your household. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have to consider your children, but your husband should as you should consider his. It is also essential that you openly communicate with the children, especially his son, if schedule changes are made. You want this information to come from you and not her.

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