They’re Back….Easing Back Into the School Year!

August 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Making the transition back into the new school year after a long, lazy summer isn’t always easy.  Oprah.com had some great tips that I couldn’t pass up so I wanted to share them with our readers.  The following tips will make you and your child’s transition much easier:

  1. Reconnect with Old Friends:  In the midst of summer camps and family vacations, it’s not unusual for kids to lose touch with their school friends. A couple of weeks before the new year starts, try to arrange a play date or two with these friends (maybe even some new classmates, if you know who will be in your child’s class). Feeling connected to their school friends can help alleviate some social concerns that your children might have about the new year.
  2. Create a New School Year Tradition.  Believe it or not, creating an annual end-of-summer tradition can actually help kids feel excited about the new school year. Try hosting a last-night-of-summer barbecue, a neighborhood talent show or an intimate family game night.
  3. Start an Achievement Tree.  This quick summer art project will serve an important purpose all year long! Draw a tree with numerous brown branches on poster board, and create a handful of “leaves” on strips of green paper. Each time your child accomplishes something she’s proud of—such as a successful day at band practice or a solution to a tricky geometry problem—she can record it on a leaf and tape it to the tree. By the end of the school year, she will have created a full, lush tree!
  4. Talk to Your Kids About Their Worries.  Each child has her own source of back-to-school butterflies. While one child might be most worried about fitting in and making friends, another might be anxious about taking on the challenges of a new grade. Find out exactly what your child is nervous about and don’t dismiss her concerns by saying something like, “Don’t worry” and “You’ll be fine.” Instead, help her think through how she can overcome what’s worrying her, and make sure she knows that you, her teacher and the school counselor will be there to help.
  5. Prepare for Good Mornings.  A few days before the first day of school, start talking with your kids about what their morning routines will look like. Young kids may have fun drawing pictures of each step of their morning schedules, while older students can benefit from creating “responsibility charts” that will help them sail smoothly through their daily routines. Also, practicing things like laying out clothes and packing lunches a day or two beforehand can help make the first early morning a smooth one.
  6. Reset Your Body Clocks.  Many families enjoy relaxed bedtimes and sleeping in during the summer, so it’s unrealistic to expect your kids to immediately adapt to early morning wake-up calls. At least a week before school starts, go back to your school year bedtime and wake-up time. This can help you avoid having a groggy, cranky or confused child on the first day of class.
  7. Create a Launch Pad.  To smooth out mornings, create a “launch pad” (out of blue painter’s tape) near the front door. As part of your bedtime routine, have kids put everything they need for the next day in the launch pad—packed backpacks, the right shoes, appropriate foul-weather gear, etc. When it’s time to leave, just have kids empty out the launch pad and hit the road!
  8. Set Up for Safety.  Whether they’re walking, riding their bikes, being driven or taking the bus, take time to talk to your children about how they will get to and from school this year. Practice the trip a few times before the first day to make sure they’re prepared for safe travels.
  9. Put on a Happy Face!  Parents experience their own set of emotions when the summer ends. You may feel sad about your children getting older, anxious about their new class or worried about how they’re reacting to the new year. To the best of your ability, try to exude confidence and good feelings when talking to your child about school or saying goodbye on the first day. Seeing Mom upset can put a damper on a child’s first-day enthusiasm.
  10. Make the First Day a Great Day.  Spend time thinking through the first day from beginning to end. Make sure your children have all the supplies they need, and try to encourage them to eat good breakfasts (which may not be easy if there are too many butterflies in their tummies!). Arrive early to school to give your child a chance to remember where everything is and to see their new classroom. When it’s time to leave, don’t linger. Just look your children in the eyes, give them big hugs and send them on their way to a great school year!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

This article can be read in its entirety at www.oprah.com

Share
Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

All Moms Need Self-Care

August 8, 2011 By 4 Comments

The last 16 months have been a whirlwind for me and my family. The addition of our little miracle baby has been welcomed but so chaotic and full of changes. Before Bam Bam (that’s what we call him), my husband and I were raising a 13 year old who was self-sufficient. He could make his own food, iron and pick out his own clothes, and carried his IPod Touch around like it was a cochlear implant. Motherhood and parenthood for that matter was very different.

I have always been an advocate of mothers and stepmothers taking time to indulge in a bit of self-care. It is so important to not completely devote yourself to being a mother or a stepmother in order to be a good mother or stepmother. I’ve received angry emails from readers stating that I was wrong for telling stepmothers to assign ownership of certain responsibilities to their rightful owners and use that down time for themselves. I told them that it is completely okay, natural and healthy to tell their spouse that they will not be responsible for their stepchildren every single time they come to visit. Instead, I told them to use that time to take a nap, have a girl’s night, get a hobby or do all of the above. This advice is especially true for the stepmothers who have kids of their own and can never seem to get a moment of down time.

Well, for the past 16 months this has never been more true and apparent to me. A woman cannot soley focus on her children and/or stepchildren and husband without: 1) losing a huge piece of herself and/or 2) going insane. She needs time to de-stress, regroup and recharge in order to be a good mom/stepmom and wife. There’s just no way around it and women should not feel guilty for demanding to recharge her batteries. During the first year of my son’s life as I operated on maybe two hours worth of sleep, little food and no energy, my husband, friends, family, pastor and other new or renewed moms would tell me to take time for myself. They almost begged me to step away from my sweet little angel so that I could recharge. Because he was a preemie and is still experiencing health issues as a result, I didn’t want to leave him with ANYONE. But, this meant that I was with him all of the time and it just wasn’t healthy for either of us.  Thank God for my wonderful husband who took time off of work to not only take care of us but to remind me what I have been advocating for the past several years – “me” time! When I wouldn’t budge, he started arranging girl’s night outs for me. He called a few of my friends, made reservations at one of my favorite restaurants, made reservations at a spa for all of us and paid for everything. Once he did that a few times, it became a habit and now I look forward to spending time away from my angel. I have even revisited my love of photography and  look forward to the moments I get to use that creative outlet. I need it in order to be the best mommy I can be to my children and you moms/stepmoms need it too. So take a little time to indulge in regular self-care and do so without guilt. Your entire family will be better as a result.

Share
Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Favorite Child…Is It Ok or Betrayal?

March 4, 2010 By Leave a Comment

meanboygirlThe subject is taboo.  It’s unheard of for a parent to admit that he or she has a favorite child.  However, research says otherwise.  A recent research survey conducted by Netmums, one of the UK’s most popular websites, indicates that one out of every six mothers has a favorite child.  In this study, over 1000 mothers were surveyed and 16% admitted that they had a favorite child.

I am sure some of you readers have felt at times like you had more in common with one of your children over the other.  At times, I have wondered how I had 3 boys that were so entirely different from one another.  I understand that differences are what makes each of your children unique and individual, but on the other hand, those same differences are also what makes them more likable, easier to love, etc. due to the fact that one child may constantly cause disruptions and stress and the other may not.  In that case,  it would be normal to have feelings of favoritism.

Albeit hard to admit,  I think the studies performed so far are wrong.  Because there is so much shame in having these feelings,  I am sure there are plenty more mothers that feel this way, but just can’t bring themselves to admit it, due to the suppression of their feelings. Once again, it’s a taboo subject, especially for a mother.  On the other hand, it’s more acceptable for fathers to have these feelings about their children. For example, a father may prefer to spend more time with his son because of common interest, as opposed to having a tea party or attending a beauty pageant with his daughter.

Dr. Ellen Weber-Libby, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C. states, in her very interesting article entitled “Do Parents Have Favorite Children?”, that having these feelings are very normal and exist in every family.   She goes on to discuss the fact that no two children are identical which makes it impossible for any two children to be treated the same.

Some would say that favoring one child over the other is cruel.  Dr. Weber-Libby states, “Favoritism becomes cruel when consistently the same child is singled out for preferential treatment awarded because of parental bias. This child may be one of many or an only child. What is important is that the rewards experienced by the child reflect parental need to emotionally indulge the child and not the child’s behavior.” With that, Dr. Weber-Libby goes on to state, “When parents hold favorite children accountable to the same standards as other children, then the presence of cruelty is unlikely.”

We here at Today’s Modern Family are of the belief that healthy dialogue and discussion promotes change.  Being armed with this information, I wanted to conduct my own survey of our Today’s Modern Family readers.  Tell me, do you have a favorite child?  If so, do you suppress your feelings regarding the issue?  Or, are you of the opinion that having a favorite child is cruel and unusual?  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on the matter.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Share
Filed Under: parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Helping Children Develop Healthy Lifestyles and Body Images

January 13, 2010 By 2 Comments

teengirl1Recently, a reader emailed a question that he had about his 11 year old step-daughter. He said that he and his wife were concerned about her weight, and fear that she might develop issues with her body image. Below is how I responded.

Kela’s response: Many parents have concerns about their child’s weight and body image, whether boys or girls, nowadays. It doesn’t help that our society has created inactive children who are prone to be overweight because of video games and television. When I was kid we had cartoons on Saturdays and the Atari, which came with like 3 or 4 built in games. We didn’t have Disney Channel 1 -35, 20 different forms of Nickolodeon and 35 different forms of Cartoon Network. We also didn’t have Wiis, XBox 360′s, PsP’s, Nintendo Ds’s, Ps3′s, etc. As such, it was normal for my brother and I to stay outside from sun up to sun down, and even when it snowed we were out building snowmen and making angels in the snow. Our generation was WAY more active.

Today’s generation is not only inactive, but they are also plagued with other stress that affects their eating habits. For example, children of divorce may be more apt to turn to food as a means of control. They may feel like they can’t control anything else that’s going on in their world, but what they do have control over is what they put in their mouths. As such, it may seem like they are overeating because they are eating all the time. The good news is that parents don’t have to sit back and watch it happen, and more importantly, can monitor the situation while teaching their children to be more in control of their choices by offering healthier choices and making lifestyle changes as a family.

You have to be really sensitive with your approach when it comes to talking to young girls and boys about their weight. My suggestion would be to not even broach the subject of weight. Kids are way too sensitive at the teens/tweens age and you might create some future body image issues. What I tell parents and have done myself, is approach it from a health standpoint. Emphasize how important it is to make healthy eating choices, and how important it is to do something active everyday. For example, I love the Wii Fit! Because it’s a video game format, it appeals to children. I encourage (okay I make) my son do 30 minutes on the Wii Fit each day. He isn’t an overweight kid or anything, but I noticed that he was choosing the wrong foods and not being as active as I would have liked, years ago. Daily exercise also release some powerful endorphins, which can help to relieve any stress that children might be experiencing.

The next thing I did was talk about his eating habits. We have a history of diabetes in our family, so I approached it from that angle; telling him how important it was to make healthy choices now, so he doesn’t have to deal with the disease that his grandpa passed away from and his uncle is dealing with now, in the future. I then realized how important it was for my husband and I to LEAD BY EXAMPLE! To this day, we keep a limited amount of junk food in our cupboards; usually healthy chips and popcorn. We don’t keep candy bars and snack cakes, or anything like that. So, when he does sneak something, it’s healthy and he can’t sneak a lot because we don’t keep a lot in the house. We have replaced junk food with healthy choices like fruit, nuts and chex mix. We have changed our lifestyle as a family; opting to go roller skating instead of going to the movies, as well as having Wii Fit challenges as a family. This overall lifestyle change has done wonders for not only our son, but our family as a whole.

It’s also important for parents not to worry too much about their child’s weight. As children grow, their bodies go through MANY different transitions. At some points they may be heavier and at others, thin as a rail. What’s most important is that you focus on healthy living, including healthy eating habits and regular exercise.

What about you? How do you encourage healthy lifestyle habits without talking about weight? Help this reader out.

Share
Filed Under: Advisory Board, parenting Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Love who you are and EMPOWER your self-esteem

August 22, 2009 By 4 Comments

“Change is the Law of Life.  Those who look only to the past or present are certain to miss the future.

John F. Kennedy

Definition of Self:  Yourself.

Definition of Esteem:  A fancy word for thinking that someone or something is important.

womanlaughingSelf-esteem is a basic human need.  It is an essential contribution to the life process.  So, let’s face it, change, even within ourselves is hard, especially when our self-esteem is damaged.  Self-esteem is a topic being discussed on almost every self-help website, on numerous talk shows and in discussion forums of the like and is a subject of importance.  Most issues that damage a person’s self-esteem are due to their personal life experiences and actually can fluctuate on a daily basis.  Some examples may include how a husband or boyfriend may treat you, down to how your employer or friend may treat you.  Even within the blended family, having a bout of “hard times” can have a huge impact on your self-esteem.

Research has shown that low self-esteem is one of the main contributing factors in depression in young teens, girls and boys alike.  99% of the time, our childhood experiences shape our self-esteem.  In children, the experience of divorce can play a major role in low self-esteem.  Another factor in good or low self-esteem in children is how they are treated by their teachers, coaches, parents and peers.   Everyone knows someone that has had a teacher or coach or member of their immediate family say something to them that has always stuck with them; not knowing that one statement can affect their self-worth for the rest of their lives.

Self-esteem is not just a concept of our personality but an essential main ingredient to our own self-worth.  In order for it to grow and flourish, we have to have balance in our lives.   Part of maintaining that balance is change.  Whether that means changing our daily routines or changing the way we think altogether.  Having a healthy life and self-esteem is based on our ability to accurately know ourselves.   Part of knowing ourselves is also being able to accept who we are and to value ourselves regardless of our flaws.   Accepting who we are and changing that way of thinking in turn allows a person to value their worth without conditions or reservations.

Changing the way you think will challenge the negative messages that those with low self-esteem deal with.  Here are some suggestions:

1.  Be reassuring with yourself (i.e., instead of criticizing your project say “I’m proud of myself for working that hard and I really like it”) or (instead of being sore about a bad grade on a test, think “Ok, I didn’t do well this time, but I will study harder next time to make a better grade.”)

2.  Be objective!

3.  Challenge unrealistic situations.  Don’t assume.

4.  Practice Self-Nurturing

(a)  Get enough sleep
(b)  Exercise
(c)  Eat healthy

5.  Remind yourself of  your strengths and do not focus so much on your weaknesses.

6.  Forgive yourself.

7.  Ask your husband, wife or friend to remind you that they love you.

8.  Ask for lots of hugs.

9.  Believe in yourself.

“Believe it until you can achieve it!”   You deserve the best, treat yourself that way and you will believe in yourself.

Life happens around us so fast that we forget to nurture ourselves.  It’s almost as if we live transparent lives.  Don’t forget to take time to live, build and change because after all, as President Kennedy so eloquently stated, Change is the Law of Life.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Share
Filed Under: Renew You Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

Re-Marital Sex – Keeping it HOT in the Bedroom!

April 23, 2009 By 6 Comments

Sexless Marriage – [seks les mar-ij]

noun

1. A married couple who has sex 10 times per year or less.

There are many reasons that sex seems to “get laid” (no pun intended) down by the riverside in remarriages and marriages for that matter. The stress of raising kids, combining households, running your household, the economy, dealing with ex-spouses, co-parenting issues and trying to learn each other all seem to get in the way of SEX! Not to mention that at a certain age and after a number of years of marriage, one just loses his or her motivation AND runs out of new ways to keep it spicy in the bedroom. Not only that, but finding the time to have sex seems darn near impossible.

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and in the beginning, we had sex MULTIPLE times a day! We couldn’t keep our hands off of each other. Since we came into this marriage with 2 kids who were both 4, we found creative ways to make time for sex. We would both come home on our lunch breaks, have late night quiet sex or have all day sex on the rare occasions when both kids were out of the house. Now…after long days, promotions hence more responsiblity at work, school activities and preparing to do it all again the next day; we’re both lucky to stay up past 9:30. I think being newly in love helps to keep that adrenaline pumping and stamina up or something. That or maybe we were just younger then and therefore didn’t require much sleep. We still can’t keep our hands off of each other, but we THOUGHT that finding the time to take it a step further would be impossible. That was until we changed our mindset and decided to put the focus back on us. We refused to fall victims to this sexless marriage epidemic that plagues over 50% of all married or remarried couples. We discovered that it was less about making an appointment for sex, but more about making US  a priority and sex would naturally evolve.

sexbraoff

Although sex is a small portion of the union, it still plays an important role in marriage. As such, it is crucial that remarried couples carve out some time just for YOU and only YOU; not the kids, not the drama with the ex-spouses, not the economy or the finances, but just YOU.

Here are some ideas that have helped keep my husband and I in love after 8 years of blended family marriage.

  1. We limit the drama discussions. If there is an issue with an ex-spouse that can’t be resolved for whatever reason, we don’t dwell on it. We move on and don’t discuss it over and over and over again.
  2. We have date nights once per month – NO KIDS. Don’t feel guilty about dropping the baby off at grandma or grandpa’s, aunt or uncle’s or a trusting friend. Your marriage and your kids will thank you for it later.
  3. We talk about sex  A LOT!
  4. We touch each other often. Whether it is a kiss while I’m making dinner, a pat on the butt when he comes in from walking the dog, or holding hands while riding in the car; we make it a point to maintain frequent affectionate contact.
  5. We recently discovered sexting; texting little romantic/sexual messages.

All of these things help keep sex and US on the brain and help to keep it HOT in the bedroom. What about you? Give our readers some tips on how you keep it hot and spicy in the bedroom. You can email them to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com or comment on this article.

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Our Children and the Economy

April 20, 2009 By Leave a Comment

“Mommy, why haven’t you opened this envelope on your desk for 2 weeks?  Come here and let me explain.”

As I sat with that envelope in my hand, my 10 year old son asked me why I looked worried.  It was my 401(k) plan statement and as I sat there contemplating whether or not to open it, I decided that this would be a good time for a short, laymen-termed course on the American economy, fit for a 10 year old! 

He has often asked me why gas prices were so high and why he couldn’t go skating as much as he used to.  Most of the time, I would avoid his questions like the plague….this time, I decided to sit him down and hope to make him understand why.   I feel that things that do not make any sense to children begin to come into focus when they know their parents are worried.  They may not understand Wall Street and the goings and comings, but they do know their parents and their day-to-day emotions.

I began by explaining to him how our capitalist system works.  Was it a lot for a 10-year old?….probably, but all in all, he got the jist that we are in tough times and that our country is in bad shape.  I then began to explain the reasons why I opt to find fun, free things to do with our family on weekends  that don’t involve money.  I explained to him that it is hard for me and Daddy to take everyone to the movies at $7.50 a piece  but instead, we can rent a “red-box” movie for a dollar at Wal-Mart or McDonalds and everyone can watch. 

Another example is a couple of weekends ago, he and my step-daughter wanted to go skating and instead I suggested that we do something for the wildlife in our community.  We went to the discount day old bakery where they have big, giant bags of bread that have been damaged for a $1.00.  We bought one big bag and went to the park and fed all the ducks along the walking path.  They had a blast!  Didn’t seem like much at first, they were puffing their lips and pouting, but boy oh boy they had the best time running from the ducks and throwing bread into the little creeks.  Plus, how healthy was that for them?  Upon leaving, they said, “now that was fun and the ducks have food for a week!”

Another semi-free/cheap thing we do is when the weather is good we get their roller blades on or their heeleys on and we go downtown to our fabulous city and walk around the capitol and the circle and we let them wear themselves out.  We stop for a scoop of ice cream and as we like to call it, “people watch.”  You can always expect  something funny when doing that! 

I try to find free things to do all the time but also smart things that will allow the children not only have fun, but at the same time learn something.  On Thursdays here in our city, our childrens’ museum admission is free.  There, they can learn about everything from dinosaurs to black history.  There is always a new exhibit and we never get tired of seeing the old ones again. 

To me, withholding important information from our children about what we are going through as parents to make their lives happy and fulfilling  is like telling them that we are stepping over a burning bush when in reality, it is a full-blown FIRE. 

At the end of the day, I do not want my worries as a parent to become a burden on my children but they do need to understand why cut-backs have to happen and why Daddy has to work two jobs and miss their soccer and volleyball games, etc.  Children are smarter than we as parents, a lot of the time, give them credit for.  When times are tough, we can use these situations as learning tools that will teach our kids lifetime of lessons.  Our children will appreciate the fact that we have to work hard and make do with what we have in order to make it through tough times.

P.S.  I still haven’t opened the envelope!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Share
Filed Under: Renew You Tagged With: , , , , , , , , ,

In the Motherhood

April 6, 2009 By Leave a Comment

I’m watching Oprah and she’s talking about motherhood. Actress, Cheryl Hines from the new show, In The Motherhood, is talking about the show and several other mothers from around the country are talking about the joys and pitfalls of motherhood.  Additionally, all of the audience is filled with mothers.

As I sit and I watch, honestly, my eyes are rolling in the back of my head and I’m thinking to myself; “what are they whining about?” Now I know that their issues are valid as being a mom is one of the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done. But…being stepmom tops that!!! We deal with the same joys, but  MANY MORE PITFALLS. I challenge all of my traditional moms to think about this – try doing everything that you do, plus deal with someone else’s kids, even crazier schedules, a new baby, an ex-wife who can’t stand you,  a husband who doesn’t understand you, and feel under appreciated and attacked all at the same time!!! After that, you’ll soon realize that you really don’t have it that bad at all.

*Kela*

Share
Filed Under: Entertainment Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Date Night – Revised

April 1, 2009 By 3 Comments

My husband and I have three beautiful daughters whom we love with all of our hearts. They are 11, 4, and 2. We also love each other very much as well. Sometimes we leave our relationship out of the equation because the duties of everyday life call and we put ourselves last. Which, as parents, that’s what we signed up for. We have come up with ways to still have “date night” with each other but we don’t have to spend a lot or even leave the house sometimes.

We also had to re-visit what “date night” meant to us. It now takes on a different connotation since we have daughters. We used to go out to dinner and a movie or to concerts or just be out. Now, we don’t get babysitters that often and when we do it is usually for something big like our anniversary or something. We have to “save” our babysitting nights like gold these days.

In the meantime we’ve come up with a few ideas on how to still be with each other AND be at home with our kids.

• Movie night – after the girls go to bed, we get to watch a grown-up movie. We also hide our favorite ice cream and eat it together. Sounds mean, but you need to have something just for the two of you.
• Candlelight dinner – we get the girls dinner out – some place they like to eat like McDonald’s or Wendy’s or something. Then after everyone’s asleep we will enjoy a late night dinner together just the two of us. As you see most things have to happen once bed time has been established. That’s why having a bed time for your children is not only healthy for them, but it is imperative for you as a couple as well!
• Sports Sunday – this is a nap time event. I love sports as much as my husband so Sunday’s are our day to watch them together. Once everyone is down for a nap or cleaning their rooms, we just sit on the couch together and watch a good game of football or basketball. We can be together and talk without interruption and that is our time.
• Lunch time rendezvous – Yes, sometimes my husband and I even make a point to spend our lunch hours together. If we can come home on our lunch then that is a plus. If not, we try and meet each other out for lunch. The kids are taken care of at daycare or at school and no extra money comes out of our pocket AND we can catch up with each other and spend quality time together. Even an hour is important to have alone to share things in your marriage. Showing your children how important your own marriage is will allow them an example of how they should let their own significant other treat them in the future.

lunchdate
• Date for everyone – many times we include our entire family. You have to carve out special time with your family as well. You can’t let the everyday chores, school, homework, soccer, etc. get in the way of family time. We sit down every night together for dinner. Every meal for that matter because it is important we know what is going on with our girls. At dinner we talk about everything that has happened that day or that week and we can re-connect with each other. We also allot time on the weekends to venture out and have one family activity that doesn’t cost a lot or is free that we all can do together. Those are our family date days.

These are just a few ways we keep our relationship up and running. You just need to think “outside the box” when it comes to getting your time in. Though it is a must. If you have a strong relationship with your spouse then that trickles down to a strong household. Make it fun! It shouldn’t be a chore to be with your spouse. Think of fun and innovative ways to squeeze it all in. It’s kind of a fun venture once you try it.

Share
Filed Under: Love and Marriage Tagged With: , , , ,

Maintaining Everlasting Bonds by Kela Price

February 23, 2009 By 5 Comments

It’s no secret that divorce, remarriage, and re-coupling; especially when there are children involved, can be hard on the entire family – ex-spouses, children, new spouses and the in-laws and other extended family members. People don’t realize or even consider the feelings of ex-brother and sister-in-laws, ex-mother and father-in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins…It is difficult, and for some, impossible to let go of bonds that were established during years of matrimony. As a matter of fact, is it fair to ask this of our extended family members?

My ex and I were together for nearly six years and he spent plenty time with my family. He was there for holidays, birthdays, family reunions and so much more. He hung out with my brother, watched sports with my father and was there to emotionally support my family and I when my father was terminally ill. He was more than just a boyfriend and eventually the father of my child. He was truly a member of our family. So, as you can imagine, it was difficult for my family to just break all ties; which is what was initially best.

As I’ve stated in earlier post, it’s so harmful to try and throw everyone together if there are unresolved feelings, emotions and conflicts about your divorced husband or wife. It takes time to get to the point when you all can gather together in the name of family. Certainly, if you want to gouge your ex-wife’s eyes out or secretly pray that your ex-husband is run over by a freight train, it’s probably not a good idea for you to attend extended family gatherings together. And, if this is the case, your extended family should respect your need to heal as well as your current spouse’s need for time to adjust. As such, in-laws, if you must continue a relationship with the ex, do so on your own time. Don’t force everyone to attend gatherings until all involved parties are ready to do so. Remember, your loyalty should lie with your child AND his or her current spouse. Pushing the idea too prematurely often does more harm than good.

Side Note: Often times the adults want to use the children as an excuse for pushing their way in, due to their own hidden agendas. “But little Billy wants me there.” Please be realistic and honest about your own agendas that have nothing to do with the child. You know that little Billy NEVER benefits from having his whole family together, if they are at each other’s throats. Children pick up and are gravely affected by obvious tension.

In my case, it took years before my ex could stop by my mom’s house (that’s where my brother, his wife, my husband and our kids usually gather for Sunday dinner) for a visit. For years, my family asked about him and missed him, but respected my current husband and I enough not to push. This summer, however, my ex stopped by just to drop something off, but decided to sit and chat for a while. Surprisingly, it wasn’t all that awkward. He hugged my mom, talked to my brother, played with the children…After nearly 8 years of working on co-parenting and adjusting to our new lives, we’ve finally buried those hatchets, resolved old feelings and can concentrate on being better parents and even friends. Additionally, my husband and his wife are secure in our respective marriages and are comfortable with our ex-spouses. More importantly, we all share a mutual respect for each other and know the appropriate boundaries that must not be crossed. All of these factors must be present prior to participating in immediate or extended family gatherings.

The famous Simmons family is a perfect example of how to successfully blend an extended family. This picture was taken from Essence Magazine in an issue where they showcased their favorite blended families.

The famous Simmons family is a perfect example of how to successfully blend an extended family. This picture was taken from Essence Magazine in an issue where they showcased their favorite blended families.

Children, ex-spouses and in-laws have to lose so much after a divorce; property, money, homes, relationships, etc., but family shouldn’t be one of those things. Although biological ties are the main reason that blended families are thrown together; it shouldn’t be an essential requirement for being a family. I’m fully aware that evolving past any bitterness and hurt and resolving old feelings is crucial prior to challenging the traditional notion of family. But, don’t allow that bitterness and hurt or unrealistic expectations to prevent healthy bonding within the blended family. Allowing this bonding to occur confirms our reality as blended families and that is, that all of the members of the extended blended family are family. We are all there or at least we should be, for the same purpose; to raise healthy, well-adjusted, well-rounded compassionate citizens of this world. At some point, that must take precedence over our past unresolved feelings and hurt. When you embrace this notion, children are no longer held hostage by the pain of having to choose, but instead, they are free to just love. More importantly, they only benefit from the true experience of having several parents to love and be loved by, along with additional family members with whom they can establish everlasting bonds.

Share
Filed Under: Stepfamilies Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
«Older Posts