Shaping Loyalties = Sabatoging Trust

As Dr. Jeanette Lofas so eloquently uses as her tag line on her website, “Often stepfamilies don’t blend, they collide!”   At times, the word “collide” can feel like an understatement to a blended family struggling with loyalty conflicts.  Loyalty is often an emotional response to a particular situation that may be occurring with someone we love (i.e, our parents or children, etc.).  It’s a natural response….we show up for those we love….right?  Unfortunately, for children living in blended families, the issue of loyalty is a very difficult one.  Even more unfortunate is when parents and even some stepparents try to shape their children’s loyalties toward the other parent.   Divorce is one of the most traumatic experiences a child will face in their lives — often equated to a death.  It often has the ability to shape how they view their future adult lives if they are not given the right tools to use in order to trudge through same.  They have to learn to trust all over again.  Yes, parents, when we divorce, our children lose trust in us.  They feel betrayed by the two people they look to for their security and for their sense of self.  It is painful to feel betrayed and to feel as if you are betraying your children. 

When I meet with newly formed stepfamilies, one of the main issues I see is that step and bio parents tend to fall into the trap of trying to shape their children’s loyalties.  Most of the time, this happens when one parent remarries and the bio parent begins to get insecure.  Of course, becoming insecure about our relationships with our children are perfectly normal, we all have insecurities from time to time, but how we deal with these insecurities is what is crucial.  It is also very common for these same insecurities to creep up in our children manifesting themselves against their stepparents or new significant other in their parents’ lives.  Children often feel that if they are “perceived” as loving their stepparent, they are being disloyal to their biological parent.  Unfortunately, too many times, I have personally seen bio parents that reinforce this idea instead of debunking it for the sake of their children’s emotional and mental health.  They would rather, actually rather, see their children go through drama and chaos only to disrupt the lives of their exes.  It’s a shame on so many different levels.  Instead of being committed to having a healthy divorce for their children, they decide to create an “us” against “them” attitude and coerse their children to have hatred for their stepparent and sometimes even for their biological parent as well.  Unfortunately, what these parents don’t realize during all of this is that they are actually sabotaging their own childrens’ trust in them.  Children eventually mature and grow and they figure things out for themselves.  They figure out our insecurities.  They get it.

Thankfully, there are some steps that you can take in order to wade your way through these trying times:

• Your child needs clear rules, boundaries and structure.  Remain committed to your household rules. 
• Do not side with your children against a stepparent.  Talk with your ex spouse about issues that arise and handle them from there. 
• Do not put your children in the middle of your battles.  This goes for with your ex spouse or with your new spouse.  Children do not need to be privy to every issue you and your (ex)spouse are dealing with.
• Encourage the relationship your child has with his/her other parent.
• Do not use your child as a messenger between his/her parents.
• Don’t ask your children to “keep secrets” from the other parent.
• Don’t question your children about their visitation.
• If it is feasible, have the parents and stepparents sit down and discuss expectations surrounding rules and parenting roles, etc.  Obviously, this is not going to work for every stepfamily, but if it is feasible, it can help children to know that they will be supported by all parents and will also stand together as a united front. 

TMF Readers, I know I don’t have to tell you this, but this subject begs the reminder that your children are a part of both of you and your ex spouse.  When children feel as if they are put in the middle and have to choose between their parents, they feel insecure, guilty, pressured and ultimately rejected.  Those feelings manifest themselves in all kinds of ways which can cause not just drama in your home, but in their lives which leave scars that sometimes take years to heal.   Managing these issues as effectively as you can will help you to alleviate stress and will also allow the stepparent to be another caring adult in your children’s lives to become more trusted, involved and connected.  By leading the example, not only will your child gain more trust for you as his/her parent the lesson they learn thereby will enhance their life experience and allow them to flourish.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Depression and Children of Divorce

The most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved.  During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite.  They become stressed, worried and fearful.  This in turn causes depression.  One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce.  Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives.  Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.

Another important factor to consider is your non-verbal actions as parents.  How you present and carry yourself speaks volumes to your children.  Remember, actions speak louder than words, so do not make it tougher for your children during these critical times by disparaging your ex or removing yourself emotionally from your children (whether intentional or not).  This type of behavior only intensifies the burdens and feelings of loss that children of divorce carry.  Children are just that, children.  They do not need to carry your “extra” baggage.

A certain amount of sadness that children experience during divorce is normal; however, extreme and continuing sadness that is coupled with helplessness is not.  This may be a sign of depression.  Unfortunately, statistics prove that divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in children and teens.  Studies show that the rate of serious depression in children — up 2% a generation ago to 23% in children up to age 20 (www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) not all related to divorce, but still a wake-up call for parents.  The following are warning signs that your children might experiencing depression:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Declining grades
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury
• Change in eating habits
• Anxiety

The following are some tips to help help make your child’s lives easier during this stressful time:

• Minimize major changes, such as changing schools or relocating out of state after your divorce.  Do your best to keep some sense of normalcy in your children’s daily life.
• Be consistent with discipline.  Do not allow your children to use the divorce as a crutch for bad behavior.
• Be open to answering questions, listen to your children and be available to them at all times.
• Do not limit your child’s access to his/her other parent for your own personal vengance.  Your child deserves and has the right to love and spend time with both parents.
• Do not expect or rely on your child to help you through your recovery process.  You are the adult and they are the children.  It is unfair to rely on them for this kind of support.

Bottom line, children of divorce feel pain.  There is no way around it.  However, one of the main reasons for this pain is the mere fact that their relationships with their parents (especially the absent/non-custodial parent) is constantly being  redefined.  They don’t have the same security they once had and feelings are always being tested.  One of the most important gifts you can give them and of which, in turn, lesson you can teach them is that of stability and structure.  With being able to put your differences and feelings for your ex spouse aside from their parenting relationship with your child and thereby continuing to allow them to maintain a relationship with both parents, you can help your children allieviate some of their fears, worries and anxieties which will less likely result in their suffering from depression during this tough time in their life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The information contained in this article written by Diane Greene is not and does not constitute medical advice in any way, it is only an opinion based on personal research on the issue of depression in children of divorce.

The name game in the modern family

Last names have traditionally been the way that people identify who belongs together in a family. For example, when you send out a family Christmas card, it is likely signed “The Johnson’s” instead of listing everyone in the family. For a nuclear family this is not a problem as everyone shares the same last name. But, for the bi-nuclear or modern family this can be a huge issue because there are likely at least 2 different last names within the family.

What you call yourselves as a family and how people refer to you as a family greatly impacts your children, who are constantly trying to figure out where they belong in the modern family. For some children, they feel as if they don’t belong to anyone in their household because one of their parents with whom they share a strong bond has changed her last name, due to remarriage, and the other doesn’t live in the household. For other children, the parent with whom they share a last name may be deceased or uninvolved in their lives. This can leave children feeling lost in world of changing houses and last names and no sense of belonging. Many decide to change their own last name in order to feel like they fit into the family they reside with. They might do this by telling people their new last name and/or writing it on school papers. It’s more about trying to find a place to belong than about a last name.

So the question is – how does this type of family identify themselves so that everyone feels apart of the family and the family can begin to establish their family identity? What do you call yourselves and how do you train others to refer to you in this manner? Some families choose to name themselves according to their address, such as  the Robinson Drive Family. Others choose to hyphenate their family name, such as the Johnson-Smith Family. In my case, my son chose to hyphenate his name on his own by signing his papers with my new last name and his biological father’s last name. This allows him to feel connected to his bonus father, with whom he shares a close bond as well as myself and any siblings that my husband and I have. At the same time, it allows him to remain connected to his father, his wife and their children as well. This works for us, but it’s important to find something that works for your modern family.

Once you do decide on what your modern family name will be, it’s important to subtly train or overtly inform others of how you’d like them to refer to your family. You can do this by signing your new name on birthday, Christmas, or Get Well cards; or you can correct people anytime they refer to the family name that excludes any of your family members.

As stated earlier, traditionally the last name was used to identify who belongs with whom, and traditionally only one last name was used. However, with over half of all U.S. families involving a couple who is recoupled or remarried in some way, and his, her and/or their children, it’s time to create a new societal norm for the modern family.

Vacations with your ex-spouse?

Lately, I’ve come across a few blog posts that suggest, encourage and even advocate for ex-spouses spending time together with their children of divorce. Some even suggest vacationing once a year with the divorced family. They feel that doing so will be beneficial to the kids because it’s one time of the year or week when they don’t have to choose between their parents. Interesting- I thought to myself. I’ll be the first to admit that there isn’t a one size fits all approach to blending a family and what works for one family may not work the other. This approach definitely wouldn’t work for mine.

Although the posts suggest that this idea is beneficial to the children because it’s one day of the week or one time of the year when the child faces no loyalty binds, I’ve seen the exact opposite in my family. For example, my ex, his wife and my husband and I get along pretty well. I’ve been invited over to their house for different gatherings and they, including their son are welcome in my home as well. And although my son loves the fact that we all get along, in the beginning, I could sense the awkardness and level of discomfort he experienced when we are all together. It actually put him in a position of having to choose because he didn’t know who to gravitate to in that situation; his bonus dad and I, whom he is very close to, or his bio dad and bonus mom, whom he was developing a connection with. I could tell that he didn’t want to hurt any of our feelings and vowed to never put him in that situation again. I wanted him to develop a positive connection that was independent of me with his paternal side of the family. One that I always encourage, but don’t necessarily actively participate in. Meaning, it’s not necessary for me to go family trips, attend holiday gatherings or spend time with their family. As a matter of fact, it’s healthier for my son to develop these relationships and connections with his dad and stepmom without me.

Additionally, my son has no desire to spend time with my ex and I. It feels awkard to him, like everyone isn’t in their rightful place. Yet, he is still aware that his mother and father love him, but are just with different people now who also love him. As such, he doesn’t feel as if he’s missing out or that he has to choose between any of us. We all encourage our independent relationships with him as well as act friendly towards each other when in his presence. This has been enough for our son, who is a well-adjusted, high-achieving, compassionate little boy. It didn’t take weekly dinners between my ex and I and yearly vacations for us to achieve this. It took us all working together, in a friendly manner that is based on mutual respect, love for our child and lots of communication.

Also, taking a yearly vacation with your ex-spouse and children of divorce can be quite expensive and unrealistic if you both are remarried. Why? Because my husband and I also take yearly vacations with our family and so does my ex and his family. As you can imagine, unless you have an endless pot of money at the end of some rainbow, this can be quite costly. I’d be going on a vacation with my ex and our son, my husband would go with his ex and their son, and then we’d all go with our blended families as well.  Whew! That’s a lot of vacations during the year! This may work for divorced couples who don’t have any commitments to other spouses, their children together, etc., but it would be rather difficult for ex-spouses who are both remarried and have children with their current spouses. Yep, kind of difficult. Ideally, it sounds good, I guess, if you want to further confuse the child about the divorce in the first place, but it isn’t realistic.

Bear in mind that this is my opinion based on my experience and maybe it’s different with boys versus girls. But I know that my husband and his ex-spouse attempted this whole let’s do everything together for the sake of our son thing (before I came along). They even moved back in with each other after they separated for the sake of their son or pure convenience, and for YEARS all my bonus son dreamed of was them getting back together (and they weren’t even together for 3 years of his life prior to their separation and his parents argued ALL THE TIME). Kids don’t understand words, they understand actions. And you can tell them all day long that mommy and daddy are divorced and we do not plan to get back together, but if you’re still taking vacations together and living in the same house, trust me, they are not paying attention to what you say, but what you do.

On the other hand, my son adjusted well to his biological parents not being together (and we were together for almost 4 years of my son’s life AND WE DIDN’T ARGUE) and was more accepting of my husband when he came along. He saw it as an added bonus instead of a threat to this fantasy of his mom and dad being back together. We’ve [his bio dad and I] always reinforced our love for him and have encouraged him to love his step-parents as well. We’ve told him that we will always be there for him, but have never wanted to confuse him by still playing house even though we weren’t together.

As a result, based on my experience and statistical research, I will have to conclude that this idea of vacationing with ex-spouses and/or spending weekly  time together with the children is not a very good idea for most. In most cases the very thing that divorced parents are trying not to do (hurt and confuse their children), they just might end up doing anyway, as in the case with my bonus son. Overall, parents should be careful in allowing their emotions or intellect to guide their decision for their children of divorce. Make sure it’s something that your children will benefit from in the long run and not something you think they want because it’s what you want.

What about you TMF readers? How many of you vacation with your ex-spouse and/or have a weekly dinner or lunch with him or her and your children together? How does this arrangement work for you? How do you explain it to your children? We’d be interested in hearing if and how it actually works for other families.

Disclaimer: For the record, I am not telling families who do participate in these types of divorce rituals that they are wrong and should do things my way. I am simply stating that, according to research and based on my personal experience, that it didn’t/doesn’t work for my family. As I stated in the beginning of the post, I’m aware that there isn’t a one size fits all approach to blending a family. That being said, I don’t want women or men to feel compelled to take yearly vacations with their ex-spouse because they think it’s the ONLY way the children will be well-adjusted. This is certainly not the case.

Dads and Daughters – The Greatest Love Story

“The latest statistics claim roughly 60% of marriages end in divorce. Second or third marriages have only about 20% of couples remaining happily married. A full eighty percent of repeat marriages end in divorce. Over one million children watch their parents divorce each year, and half of the babies born this year will suffer through the divorce of their parents before they turn 18. While divorce is often necessary, there is no denying rising divorce rates signal societal issues.” According to http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=James_M._Robbins

There it is cut and dry. A divorce happens, you figure out which parent should have the children, then you work out what the visitation schedule means for each parent’s place of employment, you breeze over “rules” for each household to make sure you are at least in the ballpark with discipline, and then you go on with your lives. When you were married, two became one and now one is turning back into two – but this time there may be 3 or 4 to think about if you brought children into the equation.

I am the product of divorce along with much of the population of our world these days. My mother had custody of me and I saw my dad every other weekend for the first few years after the divorce. Then my mom got a job in one state and my dad got a job in another – my every other weekends became once a month if we were lucky. My mother IS MY ROCK!! Could not live in this world without her and I don’t even want to think about trying to. I love her so much and know how much she struggled trying to raise me on her own with not a whole lot of money coming in from the other side. (McDonald’s used to be our big splurge with the spare change she had saved up for a month.)

My dad lived in a big city, in a really cool apartment (well, I thought it was), and we would always shop. Now I’ve said this before my mother HATES to shop so I thought she just never wanted to take me shopping – not realizing that money really doesn’t grow on trees – as much as I had hoped it did. We always ate out when I was with him and, yes, it was the “fun” house. I was still young enough not to realize that my mom may have really wanted to do all of those things with me but just couldn’t.

As I grew up I began to realize that the relationship I have with my mom is completely different than the one I have with my dad – neither is right or wrong – just different. BUT I NEEDED BOTH. Even though they didn’t live in the same household – let alone the same state – they both helped me form the woman I am today.

Now that I have three girls the relationship I see them developing with their father is something I am in awe of from the outside looking in. Yes, I am with them the majority of the time but when my oldest goes to her dad’s house or my youngest two are sitting by the door waiting for their dad to get home from work; I realize there are just some things that cannot duplicate what a father does for his daughter.

Your father (good or bad) forms a woman’s very first impression of the opposite sex. He is our first true love. He is the one we yearn to impress and make proud (whether we want to admit it or not). He gives or takes away a young woman’s self esteem. He molds us from a young age. Being physically present or absent has a HUGE impact on the way a woman lives her life. Consciously or unconsciously women do find men who have similar traits to their fathers. It’s weird. I didn’t think I did that but looking back now, my ex-husband AND my current husband BOTH have things about them that remind me of my dad. Did I think of it at the time – no – but now I see it. Don’t get me wrong I love my daddy but he and I have had our ups and downs over the years as well. Even during those times there are things I have learned from him (good and bad) that my mother couldn’t have taught me. Not her fault – she’s just not a man.

I hear many women talk about not being able to have successful relationships with men in their adult years due to the relationship they have with their dads – or lack there of. This is a very viable argument. Girls need their fathers if they live in the same home or not. Maybe it is a father “figure” but all girls need a positive role model of the male species to show them how to be loved and how to love themselves and how to retain their own self worth. Of course our mothers do that from day one of our lives. But the impact it has coming from a father is on another level.

So for everyone reading this please be conscious of the relationships you form and help form for your children. Kids are so much more intelligent than we give them credit for sometimes. Don’t keep your children or daughters from their fathers for petty or personal reasons (unless your child is in danger in their care of course). The relationship you have with your ex has NOTHING to do with the relationship your children have with them. They are completely separate and should be respected. Young women need their fathers or their father figures in their lives in order for them to become that whole person. It has taken me years to realize this by the way. Five years ago this post would have looked much different. I’m glad I have delved deep within me to find the person I am and that is because of my beautiful mother AND father.