Falling “Out” of Love After Your Remarriage

Over 75% of remarriages now end in divorce.  That is a stunning fact. Let’s face it, the pressures associated with being in a blended family can lead even the strongest couples down the wrong path.  How about you?  Are you feeling gloomy about your remarriage?  Do you feel like you are falling “out” of love with your spouse?

Clients ask me questions related to the above all of the time.   The fact remains that you don’t just fall “out” of love by chance.  Not focusing on solutions to problems as they arise causes friction, which if ignored causes tremors, which if still ignored causes earthquakes. It’s a simple trickle-down effect.  Instead of addressing feelings and concerns like loss of power in the relationship, feelings of inadequacy and rejection in the family, they decide that unequivocally they must have picked the wrong person and they are no longer in love with their spouse when in actuality their love is strong, but one or both parties have allowed the issues to take over their marriage.

Another reason blended family spouses have such trouble is because of their expectations having not been met.  High expectations that their families are going to turn into the “Brady Bunch” the day the marriage license is signed is a recipe for disaster.  Mix in a little disrespect from their stepchild here and there or the ex-wife calling for something menial, then “there goes the marriage!”  Learning to deal with these issues on the forefront (i.e., pre-marital blended family counseling) can help rectify these situations before they occur or at least help you to not make mountains out of molehills.

In the beginning of any good relationship, chemistry with your significant other is usually going hog-wild.  Well, as we all know too well, chemistry never lasts forever.  Chemistry contributes to the relationship but it doesn’t make your relationship last.  Love sustains it and keeps it going.  Being in love means making a commitment to work through whatever needs to be worked on. Being in love means putting your (re)marriage first and supporting it and each other.  It means spending time on it and not pushing it aside for anyone or anything and that includes your children together and apart, work and friends.  Unfortunately, all too often, this is the hardest task of them all.  Finding time to spend together is relatively a key ingredient to a successful, long-lasting relationship.

All successful (re)marriages have common denominators.  Trust, honesty, love, support and forgiveness.  If you are feeling having the falling “out” of love blues, ask yourselves these questions:

1. What is the cause for my feelings?  Assess the situation as a whole.  Take some time to really scour your thoughts.  Is something else causing you to feel this way (i.e., stress, anxiety, depression, work stress, friend stress, etc.)
2. Do my feelings on the subject change from day-to-day?
3. Are the blended family issues that aren’t being resolved adding to my feelings?

As human beings we are geared to focus more on the negative attributes of any situation.  After you have had the chance to ask yourself the above questions, take stock in the following tips to help you get through answering them:

1. Make a list of all the good things you fell in love with about your spouse and write out your love story.  Just putting those thoughts on paper and reading them will help you tremendously.  Encourage your spouse to do the same and read them together.
2. Look into a couples retreat.  This is a great way to spend time together while at the same time getting some much needed education.
3. Enlist the help of a certified stepfamily coach to work up a Co-Parenting Plan that helps your family navigate.  It’s OK to ask or help.  Call me, I would love to help!
4. Stop focusing so much on the problems and give your attention to the solutions.
5. Don’t temporarily bandage the issues by sweeping them under the rug and pretending they are fixed.  I promise you, they will arise as more than a scratched surface but a full-blown injury.
6. Your friends don’t know the value of your relationship.  Keep your relationship between you and your spouse.
7. Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key!  Keep talking to your spouse.  Let them know they matter to you and what they have to say, whether you agree or not, matters to you.
8. Limit your expectations.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  The Brady Bunch had great writers narrating the story of their lives.  Blended families and remarriage is tough to conquer but think of your commitments and actions as small investments toward your eventual success.
9. Have compassion.  Honor your spouses difference in opinion.  You can disagree with while at the same time still honoring it with understanding.  Compassion in the blended family and in remarriage will take you a long way.
10. Support your spouse unconditionally.  Again, you don’t have to agree on every issue, but support their decisions and let them know you will not judge them.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Interview with Deesha Philyaw from Co-Parenting 101

Deesha Philyaw

I loved chatting with Deesha Philyaw from Co-Parenting 101!  I must admit that when I initially decided to do this interview I thought that we would be on opposite sides of the spectrum regarding co-parenting. After all, she is the one that vacations with her ex-spouse and I have some strong opinions abou that. However, this interview was insightful not because of the information persay, as I already know how beneficial cooperative parenting is for the child; but because I learned that our views aren’t really that different at all. I learned that vacationing with her ex-spouse is the “most extreme” thing that they do for their kids and it works for them. As I’ve always stated, there certainly isn’t a one size fits all approach to co-parenting. Additionally, I learned an important lesson from Ms. Deesha, and that is that it’s most important for divorced parents to talk about a co-parenting plan prior to divorce, if possible, in order to implement a plan that works for them and their children. As Deesha stated during our chatting session; “your experience [she was referring to me and my ex and the fact that we decided to be highly cooperative parents after our breakup] also illustrates Reason #8,487 why people need to really give 100% effort to making these decisions themselves instead of ending up in court: A judge does not know–and likely doesn’t really care about–your child’s personality, needs, quirks, etc. Court is really where you get the one-size-fits-all in effect.”

At any rate, thanks for the chat, Deesha! TMF readers, check it out below.

Kela: Was your co-parenting plan something that you and your ex-spouse agreed about prior to the divorce or did it just sort of happen that way over time? 

Deesha: Our plan was heavily discussed and agreed upon before we even physically separated or called any attorneys.  Mike and I were on the same page about how we would aim for consistency for our 2 daughters, what our parenting time schedule would be, how we would handle holidays and vacations, joint activities, and how, in the future, we would handle the introduction of significant others.  We never explicitly said, “We’re not going to bad-mouth each other in front of the kids”; that was just a given.  We were completely committed to keeping the peace where the kids were considered.  Bad-mouthing the other parent to a child is just bad parenting, period, whether you’re divorcing or not; it’s not something either of us would ever do.  So we didn’t have to articulate that.  And we didn’t articulate anything beyond keeping the peace for the kids’ sake, with regard to how we would interact with each other.  For a long time, we didn’t interact with each other outside of dropping off/picking up kids, and phone calls and emails that were tense and business-like at best, and hostile and ugly at worst.

Time passed, probably two years or so after our separation, and little over a year after our divorce was finalized, and we turned a corner.  I suspect we needed time and space and all the things we did personally and individually to heal.  For me, that included counseling.  Eventually, we both seemed to relax in each other’s presences, and the communication wasn’t tense; we could talk about difficult things and even disagree without it getting ugly.  And from there, in the nearly 6 years since we separated, a friendship has emerged.

 Kela: Vacationing with your ex-spouse is something that I have some very strong opinions about; not because I disagree but because the fact that it’s glamorized sends the wrong message to stepfamilies.  I think the goal of divorced parents should be to co-parent in way that benefits the child and not necessarily aim for vacationing together. The fact of the matter is that each child is different and some children respond negatively to these types of things; i.e., they feel even more torn when mom actually witnesses that he actually likes his stepmom. Having all of their parents sharing in Christmas or Thanksgiving dinner or vacations actually prohibits them from fully engaging in the moment because they are too conscious of who’s looking when he hugs stepmom or stepdad or laughs at their jokes, etc. Do you and your ex-spouse participate in such activities because you think it’s what the kids want or because you actually are friends who just happen to be divorced?

Deesha: From the outset of our separation, when were definitely not friends, we agreed to a joint summer vacation, a combined Christmas, and occasions where we would both take the kids to dinner or some other outing.  Since it’s been a few years now, we’ve checked in with our kids to see if this is something they’re still interested in us doing, and their reaction thus far has been, “Of course!” and they can’t imagine why we wouldn’t.  I suspect, based on other conversations we’ve had with them about the divorce, that they want to continue the joint activities because one of the many things they hate about divorce is being with one of us OR the other.  Joint activities are the rare occasions when they can be with both of us at the same time and we’re not in transition.

Kela: Do you believe your kids would have adjusted well to the divorce had you not decided to vacation together? 

Deesha and Mike - Photo Courtesy of T. Foley

Deesha:

Yes.  There’s so much more than vacationing together that has gone into our post-divorce parenting that has served our children well.  Vacationing together was one of many ideas and efforts we put in place upon our separation.  The vacation stands out because it’s so unusual, but it shouldn’t be mistaken for the cornerstone of our co-parenting.

 

 

 

 

Kela: I read in one of your Faster Times articles that you are now remarried – CONGRATULATIONS! You also said that you and your husband live apart because you didn’t want to move the kids away from their father. 

Deesha: And also because my husband is also divorced with two daughters and a shared parenting agreement, and he too chooses to be in close physical proximity to his children.   

Kela: I don’t think anyone will disagree that marriage takes a whole lot of work! What are some of the things that you and your spouse do to make your marriage work despite the distance between you? 

Deesha: We do practical as well as creative things to make it work.  Practically, our parenting time schedules are aligned.   Even though his schedule is an every-other-week schedule and mine is not, we have our kids the same weekends, so this allows us grown-up time on our “off” weekends (and full weeks during summer, spring, and winter vacations).  We can bring the kids together on the other weekends, though not much at all during the school year, except for long weekends and holidays.  All six of us are together for weeks at a time in the summer and spring.  So logistically speaking, my husband and I are able to see each other a minimum of twice a month, and lots more during summer, spring, and winter vacations. We both have our girls the same Thanksgivings (alternating years), so we’re always all together for Thanksgiving.

As you can probably guess, we have a shared calendar.  Let me just plug Google Calendar real quick: I have a calendar that my husband, my ex, and his wife all access which contains my schedule and my daughters’ schedules.  There’s also a second calendar that overlaps, same interface, that only my husband and I can see, that includes his schedule and his daughters’ schedules. 

Another plug for technology: It helps to keep us connected throughout the day.  We talk, text, and email a lot, about what’s going on with us, with all the kids, in the news, and amongst our friends and family.

Also, we “claim” both households, from a practical standpoint.  My husband might be the only man who has a honey-do list in two states.  Our division of labor tends to be pretty stereotypically gendered, not because we conform to that, but rather because of our skill sets.  For example, I’m perfectly capable of doing manual labor and heavy lifting, but that’s his thing, definitely not mine.  He’s capable of making all doctors and dentist appointments for all six of us and organizing summer camp schedules, but I’m better at those kinds of details, so I do it.

Creatively, there’s a lot that we do.  We focus on our shared interests.  We play Internet Scrabble together, and we read the same books, so that we can talk about them.  We both love to cook, so we share a lot of recipes and plan menus when we’re apart, and cook for each other and with each when we’re together.  We both love to dance, so we try to fit that in when we’re together.  We both try to stay active and healthy, so we encourage each other in our workouts and good eating.  In general, we try to be purposeful about our time together.  Sometimes we’re working or doing housework, but we are very intentional about being close, even when we socialize with friends, in either city.  We also try to keep up with a regular “date” night, even when we’re apart-time where we can just focus on each other.

It’s not always in the budget, but traveling together is another way we connect.  My husband’s job requires him to travel, and he has a fair amount of flexibility as to when he travels, so we try to make the trips align with my schedule, and I can join him, even if just on the tail end of the trip. 

We intentionally work on our marriage, too.  We read books and share articles with each other about marriage, relationships, gender issues, stepfamilies, and parenting.  We try to deal with conflict head on, as the habitual avoidance of conflict has been found to be the #1 predictor of divorce.  Earlier this year, we attended a couples’ retreat that was really transformative for us. 

I asked my husband your question, and he said: “Patience, understanding, and appreciating the compromises and sacrifices we make to fulfill our commitment to each other and to all of our girls.” 

And finally: We laugh.  A LOT.  Humor and playfulness keep us close and help sustain us when we can’t be physically together.

[I realize I wrote "my husband" a lot.  I don't use his real name because of the nature of his job.  "JB" is a pseudonym I use for him when I write, so feel free to substitute that if you'd like.]

Kela: I am also an advocate to showing our children what a healthy marriage looks like instead of solely focusing on what a healthy divorce is. My ex and I and his wife and my husband get along great! However, we don’t want to only show our children how great we can co-parent. We also want to show them what life after divorce is and how to be committed and a partner to your spouse, not just your ex-spouse. Kids live what they learn and our hope is that they will grow up, get married and stay married. So it’s important to show them what that looks like. What are some of the things that you and your spouse do to show them what a healthy marriage is?

Deesha: They see us communicating and being respectful and loving towards each other.  They see us delight in and being accountable to each other in ways that are exclusive to each other.  They see us committing and prioritizing our time and other resources to each other and to our family as a whole.   They see us being responsible, thoughtful parents-well, this they may not grasp until they are parents themselves, but in our parenting we hope to convey to them their worth and our commitment to them, because our marriage vows included our commitments to them.

They see us being partners, whether we’re cleaning the house, planning a birthday party, or playing a board game with them.  We talk about being friends, and this surprises them, but we believe that it shows them what is at the core of a healthy marriage.

Kela: What if your spouse ever said that he was uncomfortable with your co-parenting arrangement? He loves the fact that you guys get along and thinks it’s healthy for the kids but Christmas dinner and vacations with the ex is a bit much for him. What if he preferred that you not participate in such activity with your ex-spouse? Would that be a deal breaker for you?

Deesha: To clarify, we spend Christmas Eve all together (not my husband and stepkids though, because we’re in different states) and at least part of Christmas Day.  Some years, we’ve gone different places in the afternoon/evening.  Last year, I stayed at Mike and Sherry’s house until after dinner time.

It’s so hard to conjecture, but I would have to say that I might have given up the vacation and Christmas Eve, but probably not Christmas Day, opening gifts together.  It really would depend on what his reasoning was for being uncomfortable, and I’d have to balance that against what I perceived my kids’ needs (which are ever-changing) to be at that time.  This issue would have come up long before we got to the point of talking marriage, so in essence, we both would have had a decision to make, even to continue the dating relationship: If he decided this was a deal-breaker for him, I’d have to look at what my kids’ needs were at that time; we could be at a very different place when they are older (they are now almost-7 and almost-12).  And he would have to decide as well if the situation was so uncomfortable to him that, in the face of it, he didn’t want to marry me.  If that was the case, if it was that big to him, then probably this issue would likely be masking other reasons why we probably shouldn’t have married, at least not at that time.  Is it a trust issue? A confidence issue?  Is it just the principle of the thing?  Regardless of the specific reason, I don’t think he’d be wrong, and I’d be right.  Or vice versa.  In general, in relationships people have to make choices that work for them.

Kela: Do/Did you choose someone because he was the perfect guy for you or because he is/was comfortable with your arrangement? 

Deesha: When I was first dating again, Mike and I were not friends, but we did one vacation together with the girls once before I met my now-husband, and we spent one Christmas with the girls, in that same time frame (I met him in early December of the following year).  It never occurred to me to disclose these details up front to anyone I was dating because I was taking things slowly and dating casually; I would, however, mention that my ex and I were cooperative for our kids’ sake, and guys would be relieved because that meant “no drama.”  However, if it did come up in conversation about my kids that their dad lived right around the corner (which, at the time, he did), that was a problem for a couple of guys.  They assumed this meant that one or both of us still had “a thing” for each other, or was secretly driving past each other’s house spying-I’ve talked to Mike about this, and neither was the case, lol.  I can understand how, in our divorce-equals-all-hell-breaks-loose culture, it would be hard to imagine that Mike’s decision to live around the corner had nothing to do with me and everything to do with his wanting to be close to the girls and to help in terms of transitions and their coping with our divorce. 

Ultimately, none of those guys made it to the lightning round of dating me, but the reason never had anything to do with Mike living around the corner.  So I can’t say if that would ever have been a dealbreaker in my new relationship.  When I met my now-husband, he responded very positively to how I described my relationship with Mike, in large part because he had once envisioned a peaceful divorce and co-parenting situation for himself and his daughters, but it was not to be.  He thought it was great that we got along.  We had only known each other for a brief time before Christmas rolled around, and he didn’t blink.  The following spring, when Mike and I took the girls away during Spring Break, he still didn’t blink.  But these were not the traits that made me say, “This is the guy for me.”  Of course, I liked that he wasn’t suspicious of my interactions with Mike, but I never viewed my co-parenting arrangement as a litmus test or dealbreaker.  Honestly, it didn’t occur to me that my co-parenting arrangement would be an issue for a future partner, or something to be managed or negotiated.  I know that it is for a lot of co-parents, and understandably so, but that wasn’t my experience.  As for whether a parent “should” negotiate or change their arrangement to suit a new partner/spouse, I believe that’s a personal decision that depends on the circumstances.  I don’t believe there’s one right answer. 

Kela: The mission of co-parenting 101 is to teach divorced parents how to have healthy co-parenting relationships. What does that mean to you?

Deesha: It means striving to keep parental conflict to a minimum and interacting with your child’s other parent in ways that are civil and respectful and that recognize the other parent’s worth in the child’s eyes.

Kela: The fact of the matter is that there are tons of ex-wives who are antagonistic, bitter and intrusive. By that same token, there are tons of ex-husbands who are deadbeats. There are tons of stepfamilies of which the personalities of the parents/step-parents just clash. As such, these types of divorced parents and step-parents probably won’t be vacationing, or having Christmas dinner together. What is your advice for them?

Deesha:  Keep parental conflict to a minimum, interact with your child’s other parent in ways that are civil and respectful and that recognize the other parent’s worth in the child’s eyes.  The reality is, of course, bitter and/or deadbeats usually ignore such advice.  So our advice is for the parents struggling to deal with them: Do what you can to keep the peace anyway.  Don’t bad-mouth your ex; you really can affirm your child’s feelings (hurts, disappointments, etc.) without bad-mouthing the other parent. 

Be encouraged: Your love, positivity, and stability really does matter to your child, even though this may not be apparent in the short run.  

Keep your focus on your child, not the other parent.  Attack the problems that come up, not the other parent.  If your co-parent sends you an angry email blaming you for your child’s poor hygiene, for example, deal with the hygiene problem directly with your child.  You might not even respond to the email.  Respond, don’t react to your ex’s vitriol-there’s a huge difference. 

You can’t control or force this other person to change; all you can do is change your responses and control yourself.  Conduct yourself in such a way that you model civility, respect, and peace for your child (which, by the way, is not the same thing as being a doormat). 

Finally, look ahead: In 10, 20, 30 years from now, when your child is an adult, what would you like him/her to say about how you co-parented?  “My parents hated each other, and I felt trapped in the middle”? or “My parents didn’t get along, but my mom/dad worked really hard to keep me out of the middle”? 

Same advice for parents/stepparents: You don’t have to be friends.  If need be, steer clear of each other.  Just don’t say or do things that would make a child feel conflicted about the other person, or feel that she has to choose sides, declare loyalty. Be the bigger person in the face of negativity; be who the child needs you to be…again, not a doormat, but a peacekeeper.  If that means not engaging the other person, disengage to the extent that you can.

None of this is easy, and some parents/stepparents stay spoiling for a fight, but kids are worth the effort at least.

How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce?

I have talked to many children and adult children of divorce over the past several years. Although I am not an adult child of divorce, all of my mom and my dad’s siblings have been divorced at least once so I am used to the blended/stepfamily.  Additionally, my husband is a product of divorce and his first marriage ended in divorce as well.

Recently, I had a series of conversations with my cousins, who are sisters (half, whole and step) in the same stepfamily, about divorce and their blended family.  They said that they never wished their birth parents to be back together again because it would have been a disaster.  My husband has also told me that he asked his mom to get a divorce when he was a mere 8 years old. I was watching Real Housewives of Orange County last week and two sisters (teenage high school students) were having a conversation about how they didn’t think their parents were right for each other and should get a divorce.

About a year ago, I did a study, surveying 13 children and adult children of divorce about their experience with divorce and none of them ever said that they wanted their parents to be back together again. They did express that they wanted their parents to get along, not put them in the middle of their squabbles, be consistent with drop off and pick up and flexible with visitation arrangements (especially as they got older). However, they never said that they wished their parents would spend more time together, take family vacations with them, have weekly dinners with them and overall, alter their reality regarding the divorce in order to help them cope. As a matter of fact, over half  of them said that it would have only confused them all the more.

This confirms that often times, parents react to their inability to effectively deal with the changes of divorce and impose those feelings onto their children. It’s completely understandable because as parents, you never dreamed of breaking up your child’s “happy” home. However, parents must first ask themselves, “was our home really that happy?” They assume that children know less than what we give them credit for and just because they were having problems, doesn’t mean their children were aware. I’ve said it many times before, however, children are much more aware than we give them credit for. And instead of doing your best to alter their reality by still playing house even though you’re divorced, consider the fact that your children just might not have been happy with that arrangement in the first place.

What children need in order to cope with divorce is the support of both parents as their parents, not as a couple. At this point, their world is going to change enough as it is and they rely on their parents to minimize confusion by being clear and consistent. If you are divorced, then be divorced and you can still get along without vacationing or sharing weekly dinners together. Showing your children that you are making an effort to repair your relationship at this point only confuses them. Many of them begin to wonder why you could not have done this while you were married as opposed to doing so after the divorce. I know many divorced parents who practice such rituals will become defensive and say things like, “it’s much easier to do when you are no longer married because you don’t have to live with each other,” or “just because we do these things doesn’t mean that we are trying to show are children that we are getting back together.” But remember, it’s not about how easier it is for you or what you are trying to show your children. It’s what you ARE showing them that matters.

By that same token, your children don’t need you to act a complete fool either! The main thing that children in my study as well as author and therapist, Constance Ahron’s study, expressed is that children want minimal conflict and don’t want to be in the middle of their parents’ battles.  They don’t want to be prevented from having a relationship with either parent. They desire flexibility with visitation and unlimited access to either parent. Most importantly, they want to be kept informed of changes that will affect them and they want consistency with drop off and pick up times.

Parents, you don’t have to go to the extreme to provide the above-mentioned for your children. You can do things like simply being on time with drop off and pick up. So many parents show up an hour or more late and assume that it doesn’t matter to their children. It does, so be on time, every time, unless a valid circumstance prevents you from doing so, and if it does, communicate that to your children. You can also quit using your kids as messengers because you just can’t stand talking to each other. You can get along by being cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick up and at school and extra curricular activities. You can make every effort to be on the same page and provide consistency for your children by creating a co-parenting plan that outlines rules and expectations of your children, and then presenting a unified front when it comes to enforcing those rules. All of these things will show your children that although mom and dad are divorced, we are still your parents; we just aren’t a couple any longer.

Below are some do’s and don’ts of divorce to make the transition clearer and smoother for your children.

Do’s

1. Be very clear that the decision is final and irreversible.
2. Reassure them that you both will continue to co-parent them to the best of your abilities; and that they will continue to have a relationship with both parents.
3. Make it clear that you BOTH agree that when they are with mom, they need to follow the rules of her house; and when they are with dad, they need to follow the rules of his house.
4. The non-custodial parent should make a home for his or her children so they don’t feel like visitors. Keep some of their things (clothes, shoes, favorite toys, etc) at your house, so that it feels like home at both parents’ houses.
5. Make sure they remain connected to both sides of the extended family.
6. Be cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick and at school and extra curricular activities.
7. Remain a parent and never reverse the role out of guilt. Children of divorce still need expectations, rules and consequences! Creating these boundaries actually helps to bring back that sense of normalcy.
8. Take care of yourself and your own emotions regarding the divorce without affecting your children. Be advised that they are only likely to handle the divorce as well as you handle it yourself!

Don’ts

1. Don’t use your children as messengers because you can’t stand talking to each other. This only puts them in the middle of your mess and creates loyalty binds.
2. Don’t rely on your children as support to get you through your divorce. Don’t cry on their shoulders. They need you to be strong and to be their parents so that they can still be children. They are not your therapists.
3. Don’t allow the children to dictate the terms of each visitation. While it’s okay to be flexible if a child wants to go to a friend’s birthday party or has an important project to work on and therefore wants to stay at their primary residence; they should never be allowed to forfeit visitation because they are mad at the other parent.
4. Don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.
5. Don’t ask children to be your spies on the other parent and then interrogate them as soon as they walk through the door from the other parent’s house.
6. Don’t create monsters by inflating their status and giving them more authority or control than they need as children. For example, your 10 year old son is not the “man of the house” now. He’s not a man; he’s a child, and the distinction between parent and child must always be adhered to. Never reverse that role out of guilt.
7. Don’t fall into the “funhouse syndrome” by becoming the disneyland parent and making it a party every time your children come to visit. This actually helps to decrease their respect for you as a parent. The reality is that if their parents had stayed together, every day wouldn’t be a party. Maintain a sense of normalcy by creating a healthy balance for your children. Sure it’s okay to have a good time sometimes, but they also need to be doing some chores at your house, too.
8. Don’t create a crutch for your children by telling them that they can or allowing them to get away with any and everything because they are hurting due to the divorce. If you feed children this excuse, trust me, they will use it well into adulthood. Give them permission to feel the way that they do regarding the changes, listen to them and be understanding BUT don’t tolerate disrespectful or rude behavior towards you, the other parent and/or a step-parent – EVER!

Stepchildren and Discipline

A lot has been said about the stepchild/step-parent relationship.  A lot of advice has been given about making this relationship work and what the actual role of the step-parent really means.  However, when it comes to the subject of discipline and step-parenting, the biological parents, at times, swing the pendulum so far to either the left or the right that their spouse (the step-parent) has no idea where they actually stand.  This family dynamic can often times be the deal breaker in a marriage.  Granted, once you marry someone with children, it is not written in your job description that you must become a full-time parent and walk straight into the role of disciplinarian to your step-child.  However, when two families combine sometimes rules and boundaries collide. It can be hard for the new parent to fit right into the rules of the family, they may not know if the teenager can borrow their credit card or how much allowance they should get.   For those biological parents who do not agree (or can’t get past their own control issues) I ask you this?  Is the school principal going to wait to call the police if your child has set fire to the building?  Will your child’s grandmother wait until you arrive to set your child straight in the event they have smart-mouthed her or broken the rules?  Albeit, my first example might be on the extreme end of the spectrum, you cannot take “adult control” out of the hands of the adult in charge of your child.  They must obey and respect the rules and boundaries of each household and the step-parent in their life (whether it’s your spouse or your ex-spouse’s partner)  – period.   In helping dissect this issue, ask yourself this question…”If you were still married to your ex-spouse, would you allow your child to disrespect him or her and get away with it or denigrate your ex-spouse for disciplining your child?”  Your answer is probably “no.”  Then, the same rule should hold true for your current spouse (obviously if there isn’t any unhealthy or abusive discipline going on).

Every individual has a different approach to life and their surroundings.  Unfortunately, for children of divorce, this is can bring major chaos into their lives, and step-parenting can become very complicated.  With that, the child must comply and get accustomed to different disciplinary approaches within each household but they must also know that the rules apply, all of the time, to everyone.  This is where a good co-parenting plan can make all the difference.  With this plan methodically laid out, each individual in the household knows what is expected of them and what the rules are.

As step-parents, yes, we have the responsibility to earn the trust and respect of our step-children.  That is a bond that takes time.  Part of building a solid, healthy relationship is not just being a “disneyland parent” or the “giver of many things” but being focused on having a positive and successful relationship with that child and this includes structure and healthy discipline.  Of course, step-parenting discipline should be backed up by the biological parents.  Children need to know that their step-parents are an extension of their parents and they are not just using this as their own authority but that of their parents in their absence.

Granted, no one agrees all of the time about discipline; however, by talking often and being fair, you can make the transition for your stepchildren smoother.  Here are some tips for you to follow:

1.  Make sure to keep to the same rules as often as you can.
2.  Biological parents must explain to their children that the step-parent can also remind them of rules AND enforce the consequences when those rules are broken .
3.  All children (whether bio or step) in the family must abide by the same rules.
4.  Create a co-parenting plan and have a family discussion about acceptable behavior in your home and the rules and responsibilities are of each individual.
5.  Never argue with your spouse about your child’s behavior in front of them.  Always discuss it behind closed doors.  This confuses and misconstrues the issues for children.

Keep an open mind and keep the lines of communication open with them.  Be honest with your children (all of them, including your stepchildren).  Let them know your expectations of them.   Lastly and most importantly, always and consistently be fair.

Peace & Blessings,
Di