Single Parent Crisis

Take 1:  It is my opinion, and I am sure it is that of many others, that children are entitled to a good home.  Unfortunately, a two-parent family is never a guarantee.  Never has been, never will. 

Take 2:  Statistics show that 90% of all single parents in America are women.  That’s approximately 10.4 million women.  Unfortunately, statistics also show that most of these women are living under the poverty level, struggling not only with day-to-day living, but also with the day-in and day-out challenges that single-parenting provides.  Being a single parent is difficult.  Not only do single parents experience the challenges mentioned above, they deal with the fear of being alone, abandonment, resentment and, most importantly, the anxiety of wondering what will happen to their children should they not be, for reasons beyond their control, able to care for them.

Besides all of the above, single parents have the additional stress factor of  doing their best to fill every role as a single parent.  Is it impossible?  Well, the answer to that is clear.  Yes.  Single parents can do their best to fill in the gaps as best as they can for the absent parent, and most of the time they do a very noteworthy job, but it is literally impossible per say to be a mother and try to fill a man’s shoes in the life of your children.  Just as it is almost impossible for a man to fill a woman’s shoes.  I can tell you from personal experience that for years I believed that I could be the “be all and do all” for my two older boys (during my single parent days), I was adamant that they didn’t need their fathers (due to their non-involvement at the time) and I would scream to the world that I was “daddy” as well as “mommy.”  However, as my boys grew into teenagers, it hit me like a ton of bricks.   I realized how wrong I was.  Being a father is just not in my dna make-up.  I could teach them all I knew about what I “thought”  or “expected” a man to be, but I couldn’t teach them how to be a man or really even ”understand” all that they were going through.  I could and did certainly do my best, but it became very clear that I certainly could not fill those shoes.  It was a hard pill for me to swallow.   Children need both parents for totally different reasons besides just parental nurturing and love.  They need both parents because that’s the way God planned it.  Unfortunately, in today’s world, we have to make do with what we have. 

On another note, unfortunately, single-parenthood is a vicious circle in our country.   In a study conducted by Bumpass and McLanahan about daughters and single mothers, the statistics may surprise you.  Daughters of single mothers have a:

• 53% chance of marrying while teenagers;
• 111% chance of having babies while they are teens;
• 164% chance of having babies out of wedlock; and
• 92% chance of having marital problems.

Source:  Parenting Tips

In conclusion, raising children on your own is more than hard and more than a challenge.  However, it can be done successfully with  intuitive, well-rounded children who grow and become successful, adults.   Is a two-parent family a better option?  Probably.  However, we don’t live in Wonderland where everything is perfect and where everything works out the way we plan it in the beginning.  In some cases, a two-parent family is also not indicative of what most consider a good home.   Actually, some two-parent homes are completely counter-productive of what a child needs due to constant conflict and sometimes verbal, emotional and physical abuse.

With that being said, it is my opinion that if we have to be single parents, we should be able to and should encourage healthy co-parent relationships so that our children can grow, learn and be nurtured by both parents.  So that one parent doesn’t have to fill the shoes of the other.  However, I live in reality and I know that some parents just do not want to be parents, let alone co-parent.  To that end, single parents, keep your head up.  Keep encouraging your children to grow.  Your children will be better because they have you. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Ten New Year’s Resolutions Every Modern Family Should Make

 The start of every new year is the time to start fresh. It is a time to tuck away our mistakes of the past and start with a clean slate. Because modern family living can be quite challenging, it is good to evaluate where you’ve been over the past year and develop a plan for moving forward – as a family. January is the perfect time to reflect on the changes you want or need to make in order to make your family better. Below are ten New Year’s resolutions every modern family should make.  

Trust Yourself

As parents and step-parents, we spend way too much time second guessing ourselves and obsessing over every decision we make. Starting this year, make it a point to trust your instincts and what you feel is right for you and your modern family. While that well-meaning advice is okay, only you have ALL the facts and truly know your situation. Therefore, you have to make decisions based on your truth and not someone else’s.  

Make Time for Your Spouse

This should be on every married or recoupled couple’s list! Remember, in order to keep your family intact, you must keep your marriage intact. This year, resolve to reconnect with your spouse. Have a drama free date night at least once per month. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t talk about the exes. Don’t talk about your problems. Just lose yourself in your spouse. Get a hotel or kick the kids out (hire a babysitter) for a few hours and get back that lovin’ feeling. Play your wedding song, do some kinky role playing or just make out for as long as you wish. When you devote time to maintaining your relationship and staying connected, other areas of your family life will improve. You’ll listen to each other more; making decisions as a team will get better; you’ll present a united front to your children more often and overall, your modern family will flow better.  

Find Creative Ways to Gel as a Family

Because the modern family wasn’t organically made, it will take work, not force, in order to start feeling more like a cohesive unit. Make time this year to find creative ways to gel as a family. For example, start a book club with your family and you can do this with various age groups. It will get the kids reading more and give you something all to talk about at your book club meetings. It’s a noncompetitive activity, of which no one has to take anybody’s side and it will get you all together in the same roon at least once per month. Another idea is to do a small project together like planting a tree or making a sign with your family name on it to hang on the front door.  

Give Back as a Family

Let’s face it, innately, we are self-absorbed human beings who always believe that we have it worse off than anyone else in the world. Our modern family lifestyles are complicated, yes, but most are definitely manageable. Oftentimes, our children adopt this attitude as well and they begin to think that the world revolves around only them because of their circumstances. A good way to change everyone’s perspective is to take time to give back as a family. Volunteer at a home for foster children (these kids have no parents, let alone parents and step-parents). Collect clothing and food to take to the home of a single parent who is struggling to make ends meet. Remind yourselves that there are children and families who are indeed in a worse situation than you are.  

Create a Family Mission Statement

Gloria Linterman, author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success, offered a great idea in her book. She said that every family should have a family mission statement and she is right! Again, because modern families aren’t organically made, we have to make a conscious effort to work to stay on the same page as a family. A family mission statement encompasses everyone’s goals/mission for the family. Everyone, from the oldest to youngest and tallest to shortest is allowed to offer input when creating your family missions statement.  

Spend More Time With Friends

I know that modern mamas and modern dads lead busy complicated lives, but as regularly as possible, take some time to just get away from it all. Have lunch or go watch a football game with a friend. Remind yourself that although you chose this life, it is not your whole life and allow yourself to reconnect with some friends. You’ll discover that it will enable you to be a better spouse, parent/step-parent and overall, modern family member.  

Enjoy Life More

We spend way too much time focusing on what’s wrong that we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy what’s right. Stop consuming yourself with your ex, your spouse’s ex, disgruntled stepkids, ex-inlaws…You can’t change them, no matter what you do. All you can do is change how you react. Give the appropriate response to a situation and then move on with the rest of your life already. Take more long walks in the park, laugh more, dance more, be silly more and enjoy life more!  

Say it Like You Mean it

Wendy Williams coined this phrase in the theme song of her show and it’s one of my favorites. Oftentimes, we become wrapped up in being closed mouths for the sake of everyone else that we forget about ourselves in the process. This year, make it a point to lay your expectations out on the line and mean it! You don’t have to be harsh or rude; just be honest about what you expect from your modern family members. If an ex-spouse crosses the line, let him or her know that you won’t tolerate it. If a stepchild is rude and disobedient, let him/her know that it won’t happen in your house. If your spouse needs a reminder from time to time, let him/her know what you will and won’t tolerate. Standing up for yourself is not rude, if you do it in the correct manner. Doing so, doesn’t make you a bad person; however, not saying it like you mean it can be detrimental to your mental and physical health.  

Let Things Go

Don’t spend another minute this year obsessing over who did what to you and why and how and so forth. Resovle to let those things go and start with a clean slate. Remember, you can’t change anybody; you can only change how you react. If you need to get it off your chest before letting it go, write that person a letter (even if you don’t mail it); tell a nonjudgemental friend; or talk to yourself in the mirror. Do whatever you have to do to release it and let it go! Afterward, make it a point to deal with the negative (if necessary), but focus on the positive.  

Lead by Example

Instead of trying to fix everyone to make everyone else better, focus on being a better you. Hopefully, by example, you can motivate your other modern family members to do the same.

Today’s Modern Family’s Top 10 Posts of 2010

We’ve had a blast in 2010 and are looking forward to an even better 2011. Join us as we look back at our top 10 posts of the year.

1. Former Basketball Wife, Tami Roman Speaks Candidly About Life After Divorce
2. Kiss My Azz…All Married Couples Fight
3. Brandi Glanville Speaks Out About Affair on “The Talk”
4. Living Well is the Best Revenge
5. Today’s Modern Family’s Top Ten Mom Must Haves
6. Step Martyrs Are Not Loveable
7. Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting
8. Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment
9. Protecting the Stepmother’s Mental Health
10. Super Stepmom Syndrome

Happy New Year Readers! We wish you and your families joy, peace and success in 2011.

Grace and Peace,

Kela and Diane

Former Basketball Wife, Tami Roman, Speaks Candidly About Life After Divorce

 When I first approached the newest cast member of VH1′s second season of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman, about doing an interview on Today’s Modern Family, I must say I wasn’t surprised by her humble response. “I would be honored to do an interview for you,” she said. By that one simple statement, I knew that Tami Roman was a very different person than what has been projected in the media and by what we see on the edited reality show. Tami is an extremely down to earth, very real chick who was eager and gracious enough to speak candidly with me about her journey from the Real World reality show to marriage to high profile professional basketball player, Kenny Anderson, to single mother on welfare and to finding love again.

Newest Star of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman

Marriage to and Divorce from Professional Basketball Player

When Tami met, fell in love with and eventually married Kenny Anderson, she thought it would be forever.  She got everything she had been hoping for when she was younger; a beautiful home, financial stability and a husband. She expressed how she soon began to lose sight of reality as her privileged lifestyle came with a certain status that she felt was now her norm. Although Tami seemingly had everything she had been hoping for since she was a child, she wasn’t prepared for what she didn’t get from her husband; respect, love, honor, integrity and commitment.

 Eventually, Kenny had multiple affairs that ultimately led to the demise of the marriage. But because she too came from a broken home and was raised without a father; she didn’t want that for Lyric and Jazz, the beautiful daughters that she shares with Kenny. As a result, she accepted the infidelity for as long as she did because of them.

After the divorce Tami expressed that things got really bad between her and Kenny and Tami admitted to not always making the best decisions regarding her daughters and their relationship with their father. She openly expressed that she did not know how to co-parent and feels as if her daughters suffered because of it.

“By the time Kenny and I got divorced, it was really, really bad. We couldn’t have a conversation for two minutes without yelling at each other, cursing each other or hanging up the phone,” she said.

Because Kenny has been so adamant about Tami keeping the girls away from him and has given that as his reason for lack of involvement; I asked Tami if she intentionally or maybe even subconsciously kept him away from the kids.

“Again, by the time we divorced it [our communication with each other] was really bad. Now we had to try to co-parent and make arrangements for my daughters, who were only 6 and 4 at the time, to see their dad. Kenny wanted me to put my 6 and 4 year old on a plane by themselves and fly them to wherever he was, and I wasn’t okay with that. So, in his mind, I was keeping the kids away from him. In my mind, I was just being a mother and looking out for my children. And so, we could never come to a happy medium,” Tami explained.

Moving forward Tami expressed how she wanted her daughters and Kenny to continue to develop some type of relationship. Although she’s grateful that they have began to do so, she is realistic and knows that it will take baby steps to eventually get to her desired outcome, and that is that Lyric and Jazz will truly know their father as a person and not just in name only.

The Downfall

During the first couple of episodes of Basketball Wives, Tami candidly spoke about going from wife of a professional basketball player to single mother on welfare. During our interview she went on to explain that although she did sign a prenuptial agreement prior to marrying Kenny, that basically said, “what you came with is what you’re leaving with,” that agreement did not apply to their daughters. Kenny did pay a large monthly sum of money for Lyric and Jazz post divorce, for a period of time.  However, she admitted that she did not make good financial decisions because she was trying to maintain the lifestyle that she had when she was married to their father; not understanding that the reality was that she was no longer married to their father. Tami described how she let a lot of people take control of her life and in turn, wasn’t making proper maternal decisions for her daughters.

“People would say things like, ‘you can’t live in that house, you need this house,’ or ‘your kids don’t need to be shopping at Target.’ And I allowed all of that to alter my perception of my real reality and that was that I was divorced and a single mother.”

 Tami tried to maintain a lifestyle that she admits she didn’t necessarily need and looked up one day and the funds were depleted. Roman holds herself accountable for her financial crisis and insists that she does not blame Kenny for it. She explained that if she had managed her finances the way she should have before Kenny stopped paying child support, there would not have been a downfall, but she didn’t and takes sole responsibility for it.

Basketball Wives

Tami expressed that she was actually approached by VH1 for the first season of Basketball Wives but turned it down because she had worked for 10 years trying to distance herself from the whole reality television genre. She had actually re-entered into corporate America as a financial analyst and would have rather done that than another reality show. However, as she prayed about her journey and what God wanted her to learn from it, she decided that it would be a great opportunity to be a living testimony. She explained how it took her moving through her storm to realize that Kenny was not to blame for everything that has happened to her, but she had to be accountable for her mistakes after their marriage. As a result, she thought that she could perhaps educate others who have experienced or are experiencing similar circumstances.

“I needed for men to see what happens when you’re not emotionally there for your children. I needed for women to see that when you’re in a situation and making money, it’s not about pushing the Louis Vuitton; it’s about investing and making the right choices for the future instead of solely living in that moment,” said Tami.

What’s Next for Tami

Currently, Tami Roman is definitely in love again and explained how the adversity that she has faced, has actually made her better for her current partner. When I asked about her current beau, I could hear the glow in Tami’s face which made the picture much more vivid. She and independent film maker, which she wishes to remain anonymous, have been going strong for 3 years now and are happy with the family they have created. Although they haven’t solidified any wedding plans just yet, they have talked about it.

“I am so in love and it’s definitely a beautiful place to be. After you have gone through something that’s not right, you can definitely recognize when it is right. Because we’ve both been married before, we didn’t think we needed to get married to validate our our love for each other, initially. However, as we have progressed in our relationship, we have talked about it,” said Roman.

Tami is still acting as well and jokingly said that Tyler Perry needs to hurry up and give her a call for a role in his next film. She is also working on a book about her life, which she hopes will give people an inside view as to who the real Tami is. In addition to all of that, Tami still finds time to give back and is working with a charity called Project Girl; a troop of spoken word artists who range from age 13 to 18, and go around to schools to mentor young girls through spoken word.

From publicly talking about her abortion on the Real World over 10 years ago, to candidly airing her co-parenting issues with ex-husband, Kenny Anderson, on VH1′s second season of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman displays an authenticity and vulnerability that makes her relatable, human and definitely someone you’d want to hang out with. She definitely makes the top of our superchick list!

Please be sure to catch Tami on the second season of Basketball Wives, Sundays at 8/7 Central on VH1.

Noncustodial Mom and Founder of CFAA Speaks Out

The next guest in our interview series with dynamic women is a non-custodial mom, competitive fitness athlete, survivor of domestic violence AND my cousin (I’m so proud that I get to say that), Nichole Cruz. Before I share her insight on fitness, motherhood, divorce and moving on, let me share what I have learned from her. No matter what she has struggled with she is not bitter; she’s better because of it. She has learned to channel any negative feelings she has as a result of her circumstances through fitness, accept her reality and try to make the best of it. Check out our interview below and enjoy!

Kela: You are a divorced mom of 3; is it difficult to balance dating, work and motherhood?

 Nichole:  When the children were younger, being a divorced mother and juggling day to day tasks was quite challenging and exhausting.  After my divorce I maintained working hours that were conducive to motherhood 8 to 5pm and even starting my own business to create my own hours.  I also incorporated my children into my workout routine; taking them to a local track and bringing along soccer balls and bikes so they can exercise while I ran.  In terms of dating, it was always important for me to keep my social life separate from my role as a mother.  I dated when the children were spending their time with their father.  It’s never easy dividing your time, however putting each role into their respective levels of importance is key. 

 Kela: Divorce is difficult for most, as we all know. How has fitness empowered you, not only physically but emotionally and mentally?

 Nichole:  I am a survivor of domestic violence.  I began my transformation a tad bit backwards, from the outside in.  After my third child, I returned to the gym with a friend of mine and began to gain physical strength and transforming my body.  As the physical changes emerged, the emotional and mental changes followed.  I began to rediscover my outer and inner strength which in turn, empowered me to leave the marriage, as a stay-at-home Mom, with no money – only my children and a minivan to my name.  One’s sense of self and self-confidence comes from FEELING good on the inside.  I began mine from the outside: I felt confident looking in the mirror which transformed my inner being.  The Phoenix tattoo on my back was a symbol of rebirth – of going through hell and emerging stronger and more powerful than before.

 Kela: How difficult is it being a non-custodial mom? What are some things that you did to cope once the custody decision was made? How did you help your children cope?

 Nichole: Traditionally, women were awarded custodial custody of the children post divorce, which was initially what happened in my case.  As the children grew, my ex-husband and I amended the original parenting agreement several times and most recently via a custody battle, my children’s father was awarded custodial parenting time.  Although it was not by choice, I had to determine how I was going to maintain my relationship with my children as they were accustomed to.  Because they are teenagers, it is a little easier to cope with the decision although it is still unsettling.  They all have cell phones, so I will either text or call them daily.  I ensure that I am involved with their education by keeping in contact with their teachers, keeping up with their grades and attending their sporting and school functions.  I try to stay involved in every aspect of their lives so that where they sleep doesn’t limit their contact with me or mine with them.   I also make sure that my parenting time with them is quality time, reconnecting and enjoying each other’s company, yet getting down to business and still being “Mom.”

 Kela: What advice do you have for other divorced moms? Non-Custodial moms?

 Nichole: My advice to other divorced Mom’s would be to make sure you stand up for what you want in terms of your children.  Your voice is extremely important and deserves to be heard.  As a non-custodial Mom, you may have to fight harder in order for your wants for your children to be heard and valued.  Don’t allow anyone to make you feel lesser than a mother because the legal system dictated the percentage of time you are allowed with your children.  Make sure the children know that you love them and are always accessible to them regardless of where they reside.

 Kela: Okay, let’s talk fitness. Give me 4 easy, but beneficial exercises a mom can do from the comfort of her own home?

 Nichole: This is my passion!  There are so many things you can do at home to stay in shape!  Body weight exercises are perfect to tone your muscles without going to a gym.  The following is a sample circuit which incorporates cardio and weight bearing exercises to get that metabolism stoked!

 60 seconds jumping jacks/running in place

60 seconds squats – thighs parallel to the ground

60 seconds push ups – if it gets tough, drop to your knees but KEEP MOVING

60 seconds crunches/sit ups (10 crunches, 10 situps – rotate for 60 seconds)

60 second rest

Repeat circuit 5 times – you will have completed 25 minutes of a muscle toning, total body workout! 

 Kela: How important is physical fitness for those who lead stressful lives?

Nichole: Physical fitness is not only important for the average individual, but more so for those who have stressful lives.  Exercise can cause release of chemicals called endorphins into your blood stream. These give you a feeling of happiness and positively affect your overall sense of well-being. Physically, exercise improves your cardiovascular functions by strengthening and enlarging the heart, causing greater elasticity of the blood vessels, increasing oxygen throughout your body, and lowering your blood levels of fats such as cholesterol and triglycerides. All of this, of course, means less chance of developing heart conditions, strokes, or high blood pressure. Mentally, exercise provides an outlet for negative emotions such as frustration, anger, and irritability, thereby promoting a more positive mood and outlook. Exercise improves mood by producing positive biochemical changes in the body and brain. Regular exercise reduces the amount of adrenal hormones your body releases in response to stress.  Beyond the stress, it’s important to model a healthy lifestyle for your children.  Our children are becoming more sedentary as our society increases technology.  Being fit increases the likelihood that your children an even your grandchildren adopt a healthy lifestyle and opt for healthy choices. 

 I am a 38 year young mother of three, a Personal Trainer as well as a Competitive Fitness Athlete.  I have been competing in Figure Competitions for approximately 4 years and most recently placed 5^th in a local competition.  I have developed an association: CFAA -Competitive Fitness Athletes Association, to promote, develop and cultivate the competitive fitness athlete of color.  To learn more about the sport and about CFAA please email me:  cfathletes@gmail.com.  The website is soon to follow.

Parenting by Example

I love Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar! I learn so much from them just by watching their hit reality show, 19 Kids and Counting. As I watch how they manage to keep their huge family in line, I am astonished at how they do so with so much grace, peace, patience and understanding. I’m sure having a family that big comes with many different personalities and increased chances for conflict and frustration, but I am amazed at how Jim Bob and Michelle keep together. They are truly living examples for their children and to be honest, for me as well. 

 For a second, imagine if you will, trying to get 18 kids (their oldest is married and out of the house) ready to leave to go to the dentist, on vacation, to church or anywhere for that matter. I know that I personally get frustrated trying to get my 8 month old ready so that I can take my 13 year old to school every morning. I have to make sure he’s fed and changed, make sure my 13 year old has had a good breakfast, remind him to get everything he needs so that I don’t have to make a trip back to the school, pack up the diaper bag, put the dog in his room…All while the baby is fussing, my oldest is asking me to sign some permission slip, the dog is chewing on a foreign object…whew! It definitely gets overwhelming with just two children at times. Can you imagine 18? But as I watched the Duggars getting ready to leave for an outing I noticed that similar events occur with them as well. With 18 kids at home, multiple kids were fussing; others were running around playing when they were supposed to be getting ready; some weren’t morning people and just didn’t want to get up and a few were straggling behind when everyone else was in the car and ready to go. However, what amazed me was Mr and Mrs. Duggar’s reaction to it all.  Although they gently but firmly encouraged their children to hurry up, no one yelled, got upset or openly frustrated. They both just kept their cool and when asked by a camera man if they ever got frustrated, Jim Bob replied, “Of course we do. But when we had kids we decided that we would lead by example and react to stressful situations the way we want them to react.” He went on to say that he’d rather just enjoy his family than get upset over things like being late or the kids’ toys being in the middle of the floor.

That statement and watching the Duggar family in action has really stuck with me. As I navigate through my sometimes complicated modern family life, that one statement constantly reminds me of what’s really important. I know that I am not perfect and don’t always react to stressful situations the way I know I should and ideally would want to, however; I do want to be a living example for my boys. I want to teach them that no one can steal your joy unless you allow them to and calmly reacting to a stressful situation is more about them than it is about the other person. Learning to let certain things roll off your back not only keeps YOUR stress levels down, but it provides an example for the other party; be it your children, husband, an ex-spouse, co-worker, friend or stranger.

As I said earlier, I am a work in progress but I am thankful for the opportunities to learn these life lessons and apply them to my own life, while on my journey. Being in a stepfamily provides many opportunities to practice as I work to get it right. Until then, I’m grateful to learn by watching families like the Duggars.

Personal Thanks to Our Readers!

Hi Readers!

I hope you all had  a very Happy Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving with my husband, children, brother, sister-in-law, nieces, nephews, mom and a host of cousins was absolutely wonderful. It was also my baby boy’s first Thanksgiving and I was happy that he could be surrounded by family. Incidentally, I want to share with you a little something that my firstborn said while riding in the car to see the downtown Christmas lights today. Often times, he just fires out these statements without any proding or prompting; just thoughts in his very mature, analytical head that come out just because.

  “You know what mom and dad (he calls my husband dad), I have A LOT of family! I have you two and your sides of the family, my other dad and other mom and their sides of the family and brothers and a sister and I love it,” he said.

To which we replied by telling him how absolutely fortunate he is to feel loved by and to give love to, so many people. It warmed my heart to know that this is what he thinks about, from time to time and shares for no reason at all. This is what he feels because of what we [his parents] are conveying to him, and I think to myself – gosh, we must be do something right. I’m not saying we’re perfect because we all have had our share of disagreements and strife, but we’ve done our best to work them out AND we’ve shielded him from any conflict that could have been damaging long-term. Instead, he sees a family that loves him and works together; and yes, a family that experiences conflict, from time to time. However, he also witnesses us (parents and co-parents) putting our heads together to work it out and for this, I am thankful for.

I am also thankful for all of you! Thanks to all of my readers and supporters of Today’s Modern Family. Thank you for sharing your stories and allowing me to share mine. Thanks for venting your frustrations and allowing me to do the same. Thanks for listening and thanks for making others feel as if they are not alone on their respective journeys. More importantly, thanks for opening my mind to new perspectives. I enjoy learning from and I appreciate each and every one of you!

~Kela

Brandi Glanville Speaks Out About Affair on “The Talk”

I’ve done a couple of stories on the whole Glanville vs. Rimes saga the past couple of months because I have been following this story for quite some time now. Today, Brandi Glanville, actor Eddie Cibrian’s former wife, finally broke her silence about his affair with country singer, Leann Rimes that ultimately broke up her marriage. Glanville appeared on new hit talk show, The Talk, to finally talk about the affair and divorce. She addressed the co-parenting tension between her ex-husband and his girlfriend, her recent arrest for drunk driving and making things better for her children.

Glanville expressed that the affair was a complete surprise to her because she thought they were happy. She said that they had normal marital issues during their 8 year marriage but nothing that she thought would end it. For a while she questioned whether or not it was her. She wondered if she was pretty enough, skinny enough. blonde enough. She went blonder, got botox and did what she felt she needed to do to feel adequate; only it didn’t help. After a year or so, she finally realized that it wasn’t that she wasn’t good enough, but Leann was just different. Not necessarily better, but different.

When Sharon Osbourne questioned whether or not Brandi had a drinking problem due to her recent DUI arrest, Brandi was adamant about not having a drinking problem. She admitted that she does drink when she’s feeling upset or lonely, but says that her mistake was driving that day. She went on to say that it is difficult for her to only have her children part-time, especially when she’s used to having them full-time. She said that it’s chaotic when they’re with her, but way too quiet when they are gone. Glanville admitted to getting lonely and not really knowing how to deal with it.  She also said that it doesn’t help that she doesn’t have her ex-husband’s house number to  get in touch with her children when they are with her.

In spite of everything that’s happened, however, Brandi said that her ultimate desire is to make peace with Leann Rimes for the sake of her children. She said that she reached out to her on Twitter to request that they sit down and discuss things, and Rimes has agreed to do so. Sharon Osbourne said that Leann contacted her to get her advice because Osbourne was the other woman at one point, and Osbourne encouraged her to meet with Glanville.

My Commentary on the Issue: Brandi Glanville seems like an absolute sweetheart and it is clear that Eddie just wanted something different because she is an attractive woman. I’m glad that she has stopped blaming herself and is trying to figure out the best way to handle this unfortunate situation for her kids.  Although I suspect that Brandi’s reactions to the affair and divorce have given her ex-husband “reason” to prohibit her from having his home number (let’s face it, not many would do that for no reason at all), I think he could have been a bit more sensitive and handled the situation better.  I don’t blame Glanville one bit for losing it at some point, after she heard about the affair and for having to deal with Leann. My gosh, she’s human. Her husband cheated on her and now she has to try to co-parent with him and his mistress. I’d be pissed and “wilding out,” too! Cibrian could be a bit more understanding and patient; realizing that HE brought this on because he didn’t handle the dissolution of his marriage properly. He should have told Glanville that he might be falling for Rimes BEFORE he started sleeping with her. I can’t stand it when a guy cheats but tries to make everybody think that the person he cheated on is crazy. She’s not crazy; she’s just mad and rightfully so.

That being said, I’m still confused as to why resolving the situation is all up to Brandi and Leann. Huh? Everybody’s advice to Glanville and Rimes is that they should sit down to figure out where they go from here and how to make the best of the situation for the kids’ sake. Isn’t it mom and dad’s responsibility to do that? I’m not faulting Rimes for the affair. All she did was fall in love with the wrong person and that happens sometimes. People keep saying, “but she knew he was married.” News flash…he knew he was married, too but that didn’t stop him! I don’t care if Rimes walked on set butt naked with an open invitation. As a married man, the one who took the vows with his wife, it was Eddie’s responsibility to decline the invitation. Both Eddie and Leann, however, need to be patient and understanding with Glanville. Instead of blocking her from calling the home phone, let her know that they are sorry that she’s hurting but want the best for the kids. I think it’s nice of Leann to accept Brandi’s invitation to talk and they probably should eventually. But, the first “sit down” needs to be between Eddie and Brandi. He needs to let her know that he was wrong for handling things the wrong way and he’s sorry for hurting her. Sometimes a woman just needs to hear those words to begin the healing process and make it easier for everyone to move on.

So let’s assign some of the blame and responsibility to its rightful owner. I am so sick of everyone talking about what Leann and Brandi should be doing to make things better. Why aren’t we talking about what Eddie should be doing to make things better for his kids? My advice would be for Eddie to contact Brandi first, so that they can discuss how to move forward as co-parents.

I wish them luck and I hope they work this out for the children.

Courteney Cox and David Arquette Split!

Former Friends’ co-star, Courteney Cox and husband, actor, David Arquette, officially announced their separation today.

The two who met in 1996 on the set of the horror film, Scream, decided to call it quits after 11 years of marriage. David, 39, said that Courteney, 46, is the one who filed for a legal separation because, according to him, she is tired of being his mother.

For their 11th wedding anniversary this past June, she bought him a motorcycle. “She said to me, ‘I don’t want to be your mother anymore,’” he recalled. “And I appreciated that about her … She didn’t want to tell me, ‘Don’t do that.’ She didn’t want to nag me anymore.”

 In an interview on Howard Stern’s radio show, Arquette also explained that he doesn’t believe that Cox cheated with her Cougar Town co-star while they were married. He expressed that they may have had an emotional connection, but nothing more than that. He also said that although he has been intimate with an L.A. cocktail waitress, it was not while he was married to Cox.

“I am a single man, he stressed.” We are no longer together!”

When asked how their daughter CoCo was coping, Arquette replied by saying that he and Cox took CoCo to the beach for a picnic to explain that he and Cox were taking time to figure out their grown up “stuff.”

CoCo asked if they were getting a divorce and David replied, “No, we’re taking time off to know…what we want out of our mate better.”

David stressed how much he still loved Courteney and that he just wants her to be happy; more than he wants happiness for himself.

TMF wishes the Cox/Arquette family the best of luck as they work to figure out their issues.

Read Full Story Here.

Interview with Rockstar Co-Parent, Jenn Mangino

I enjoyed my virtual chat with Jenn Mangino, founder of www.rockstarcoparenting.com. As an ex and a wife, a mom and a stepmom, I always look forward to hearing and sharing both perspectives. Take a look at our conversation as we chat about divorce, Jenn’s theory on the intrusive ex-wife and what she does during her “Jenn” time. Thanks for the chat, Jenn!

Kela: Explain the term rockstar co-parenting? 

 Jenn: It’s the universally accepted divorce principle. Get divorced, screw up the kids. But studies have shown it’s not so much the divorce that affects kids, but the handling of said divorce. If having an intact first family is equivalent to winning first place, than having two active divorced parents working peacefully together like business partners post-divorce is second best. Rockstar Co-parenting is dedicated to helping parents and children of divorce find second place. I created the site to help other parents (but mostly myself) learn to do this divorce thing the “right” way…like grown-ups.

It’s easier said than done. Making decisions, navigating complicated schedules and social situations, and creating two harmonious households with a partner for whom you have mutual anger and trust issues can feel super human. Divorced parents who choose to co-parent peacefully often discover they have unknown, hidden reservoirs of strength. Super powers. Resilience, Openness, Compassion, Kinetic energy, Sprezzatura, Transparency, Assertiveness and Restraint (yes, it’s an acronym) are the super powers I see inspirational co-parents successfully drawing on every day to create new, better lives post-divorce for their children. They are not just co-parenting. They are Rockstar Co-parenting. 

Kela: Your daughter was very young when you divorced. Did you ever worry about her losing that bond that she developed with either you or your ex-husband during the transition of the divorce? 

Jenn: Yes. Constantly. I knew the divorce was right for me, I knew it was right for my Ex, but how could it possibly be right for my daughter? I looked in her blue eyes and vowed to do everything in my power to create a divorce situation that would have minimal impact on her life. That meant-to me- that she deserved to have easy access to both her parents. I believe in her right to her own relationships. 

It wasn’t easy, I had to give up things that I wanted for myself. I had to give up my clean slate and fresh start, because, honestly, there is no fresh start after divorce when there are children involved.  Every subsequent decision I made from that moment on was with this goal in mind.

So far, we’re doing okay. (Cross your fingers). 

Kela: How did you take time to heal and grieve post-divorce?

Jenn: Honestly time? Did I take time to heal and grieve post-divorce? Yes. (A smidge).  Was it as long as the “experts” say you should take (I was told five years. Five years, people.)? Not even close. 

As the primary initiator of my divorce, I think my grief cycle started long before the actual divorce process started. By the time we filed the paperwork, I just felt used up. I had been angry and sad during my marriage, and following the separation, I just felt numb. Which I mistook for feeling fine. Ready to move on, even. Months later, when the tears finally hit me I realized how not fine I was. By then, I had entered into a new relationship, with an old love. (Kids, don’t try this one at home!) Do the experts discourage dating so soon after a divorce? Yeah. Do I discourage it? Probably. The truth is, he is the love of my life and the one who got away, and it did manage to work out for us, as we are getting married this winter. But. It was rough, to say the least. The problem was I had not taken the time to heal completely before we plunged like moths right back into the flame. And it burned us.

 It was a bumpy, windy, narrow road for a while, mostly brought on by my sense of guilt and failure. The lesson here, I think, is to take time to be alone for a while (maybe not five years, though) and resolve your feelings before dating again. It’s hard, and very few people can resist the lure of new love, but had I taken some time for myself, the healing wouldn’t have taken so long. 

 That said, what did I find most helpful during the healing process? Books, books, the internet, books, therapy, books, a brief stint in a support group, and talking the ears off good friends. Oh, and books. (Um, I like to read). I think it’s important to try a little bit of everything…you will find little bits of wisdom in lots of different sources and it will all come together to give you a new knowledge of yourself, and the world, until suddenly you are ready to like your life (and yourself) again. 

Kela: I know it’s hard not to worry about our babies when they are away from us, especially when they are very young. But I do feel it’s important for ex-wives to utilize that time to reclaim their lives. What do you do during, what I like to call, your “Jenn” time?

 Jenn: I read. I dream. I imagine what I will be when I grow up and find my niche in the world. But, mostly, I write. Writing gave me back my zest for living, my passion for my own life. It’s the one thing I do just for me. Well, that, and pretending I am a rock star belting out ballads in the shower every morning.

Kela: How important is it to you that your daughter develop some sort of relationship with her stepmother? How do you encourage and support that relationship?

Jenn: Extremely important. My Ex and I had worked out a 50-50 parenting schedule before he remarried. When his new wife came on the scene, she jumped right in to being the “mommy” figure in my daughter’s life 50% of the time. It was very hard for me to continue sharing that time with them. The divorce and the 50-50 parenting schedule for him, well that’s only fair and hey, you make your bed and you lie in it. But, sharing the mothering of your child with another woman for no reason at all other than she married my Ex? It’s a bitter pill to swallow…because I would rather be her mother 100% of the time.

 But, how much more bitter would that pill be if she were a terrible stepmom, and made my daughter’s life miserable? Or even my life? The truth is she’s a great stepmom, always friendly, and very free with information. I think she loves my daughter, and certainly, she is a good friend to her. Really, how much more could I ask for? 

I try to support their relationship by never speaking ill of the other household in earshot of my daughter, encouraging (even admonishing her) to be respectful to all the adults in her life, assuring her that she is loved by everyone, going out of my way to be friendly and chat with her at school events, asking her opinion about issues that affect my daughter, and inviting her to share Mother’s day with us. 

Kela: According to Mavis Hetherington, most ex-wives are more intrusive and more involved in their ex-spouse’s household than ex-husbands are. Additionally, they remain bitter and resentful for much longer. Why do you think this is so? 

Jenn: It’s a hard question for me to answer, because I really don’t think I am intrusive (and I can really only go on my experience). But, if I was intrusive it wouldn’t be because of unresolved relationship issues between my Ex and I. It wouldn’t be because I felt displaced, or replaced or still wanted him for whatever reason (although maybe this is the case for some women). It would be because I am a mother, and as such I am utterly and fiercely protective of my daughter. I am a lioness. We have these children and we are charged with their very survival. We look at them when they are placed in our arms for the first time and we absolutely promise them the world.

Then, divorce happens and we are expected to give up control over everything that happens to them during someone else’s parenting time.  If there is a stepparent involved, then we are asked to trust someone we don’t even know with our most precious gift, our children. Often times, there are issues with communication between the adults, so we are not even given the balm of knowledge to ease our fear, and our utter lack of control. It’s scary, it’s unsettling, it’s unnerving, and it’s frustrating.

With these conditions, I don’t think it’s surprising that there is resentment. Why don’t the Ex-husbands mettle more in household affairs? I don’t know. Maybe because women are predisposed for nurture and daily care, so that is their turf. Men are predisposed for hunting and bringing home the bacon…so of course issues involving day-to-day care probably don’t affect them on that same emotional level.

Kela: Can you offer some advice for those types of ex-wives?

Jenn: Choose your battles. Always, always, always take time to think over your actions and reactions. Ask yourself, “Is this particular issue vital. Will it fundamentally affect my child?” If the answer is no, let it go.  If the answer is yes, that’s when you take action. Don’t be like the little boy who cried “Wolf!” and get worked up over every little perceived infraction or slight. It’s pointless.  And always remember, you can only control you. 

Kela: What advice do you have for other divorced parents who aim to be rockstar co-parents?

 Jenn: Love your children. Want what’s best for them. Then, go out and get them that best. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that.

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