Co-Parenting Myths

Co-parenting can be a very contentious and stressful situation for divorced parents and step-parents if approached from an unrealistic standpoint. Many co-parents fail because: 1) one or all of the parents involved have an unrealistic idea of how things should be and 2) when those unrealistic ideas and expectations fall through, they give up, assuming that the whole thing won’t work and choose bitterness and hatred instead of effective communication and co-parenting.

The key to effective co-parenting is establishing realistic expectations and healthy boundaries from the very beginning, and to go slow and allow the relationships to organically evolve instead of forcing the issue of everyone being friends and one big happy family. Below are some co-parenting myths that may help struggling co-parents put it all into perspective.

Myth # 1: We all have to be best friends who vacation together and have dinner together once a week.

Although I applaud every blended family who is able to vacation together, share holiday dinners together and overall, merge as one big happy family, I want those who aren’t able to or have no desire to do so, to know that they ARE NOT failures if they don’t accomplish this task. It is okay and completely possible to not be totally engulfed in your ex-spouse’s and his new spouse’s lives, yet work together to raise your child. You can communicate effectively, not subject your child to conflict and make decisions together without doing everything else together as well. By that same token, you can still get along and even be friendly without sharing holidays, weekly dinners or vacationing together, so don’t believe this new found hype of every blended family having to do everything together in order for the kids to be emotionally healthy. It’s not true! More importantly, it is important to know that no relationship, especially blended family relationships, happen by force. If accomplishing this task is your desire, allow it to organically happen and know that it takes TIME, often times years, before it genuinely happens.

Myth #2: We all have to hate each other!

Just like everyone in the blended family doesn’t have to be best friends, you don’t have to hate each other either. Society and the media convinces us to believe that getting along with our ex-spouses and their new spouses is some sort of weird thing that needs to be studied by scientists and researchers. It’s not weird if we can all minimize conflict, do our best to compromise, get along and yes, even like each other. It doesn’t mean that we have to be best friends and do everything together or that anyone desires to be back with their ex-spouse. It just means that we’re committed to handling our respective emotional baggage as a result of the divorce, and not allow it to interfere with working together to do what’s best for our child.

Myth #3: The ex-wife and wife must be best friends in order for it to work.

Most people think that the harmony of the blended family has to revolve around the ex-wife and wife being the best of friends. They think it simply won’t work if she and I aren’t the primary parents in the family; meaning, we have to talk about scheduling, visitation and child support together because WE are the only ones raising the kids. My question to them is; where is dad in this co-parenting equation? While it’s true that you don’t have to hate each other and it’s unhealthy to do so, you don’t have to be best friends, share slumber parties and spa dates and exclude dad from parenting responsibilities for it to work either, and that extreme can be just as unhealthy. As a matter of fact, in my experience and the experience of many co-parents that I’ve spoken with, dad often feels excluded when ex-wife and wife operate this way. I encourage co-parents to leave initial discussions about visitation, school plays, parent teacher conferences, child support, etc. to the biological parents. Now this doesn’t mean that the step-parents are totally excluded, but it is the responsibility of his or her spouse to include him or her in those decisions, not the ex-spouses. This way minimizes confusion, resentment and establishes healthy boundaries!

Myth #4: If we have arguments or disagreements along the way, we’re not good co-parents.

If you argue with your spouse, which we ALL do from time to time, what makes you think you’re never going to argue or you’re always going to agree with your ex-spouse and/or his or her new spouse?  Arguments and conflict, in any type of family, is inevitable, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to a life of hatred and vengeful thinking due to one or even several arguments. People argue and that’s okay. It’s what you do afterward that’s important. Do you stew over it, and allow it to prevent you from moving forward, or do your best to compromise, let it go and move on?

Myth # 5: Good co-parents always find a way to agree on everything.

Although it is healthy for everyone to do their best to find a solution to an issue and compromise, it’s equally important to realize that sometimes everyone won’t agree, and won’t be happy with the final decision. Simply put, everyone is NOT going to agree all the time! That is an unrealistic expectation that often times sets co-parents up for failure. During the times when co-parents can’t agree it’s helpful to defer to the court order or seek the help of a third party (stepfamily counselor, mediator or judge) to assist you with achieving some sort of consensus. But again, what’s important is how you recover from these types of situations. Do you use your child as a pawn in a chess game because you didn’t get your way? Do you hold a grudge indefinitely? Do you refuse to communicate because she (his wife) took your ex-husband’s side? Do you allow it to totally trivialize the hard work you’ve put into being good co-parents up to that point? Or do you simply recognize it as a argument or something that you just couldn’t agree on and move on? Just remember, it’s not the arguments that make or break a blended family but it’s how you recover from those stressful times.

Aren’t divorce decrees supposed to provide more structure?

Reader’s Question: I have two challenges that I could use some help with….
I have been divorced since May ‘08. My ex is presently in Mexico getting remarried. They called tonight to leave a message for our 7 year old daughter. After her message, their phone line did not cut off and the machine taped several minutes of them bad mouthing me and making comparative and hurtful statements. (These were all perspectives on me, our relationship and the break-up that I had never heard before.) When we split, my ex had been more compassionate and insightful about our relationship and seemed to view it within a holistic context in which we each shared responsibility in both its success and “failure”. We are already relating poorly and now I really feel like I cannot trust him (them). How can we move out of this when our perspectives are so radically different?

The second challenge is in our child custody arrangement (and relates to the first challenge as well). My ex is an ER doc. He argued that he cannot commit to a regular schedule as his shifts are inconsistent. He also has never felt strongly about maintaining a relationship with our daughter- feeling like he couldn’t do it because of his work- and, that the adoption was my idea and he didn’t really want to do it. He couldn’t quite admit this in court so he did agree to average 10 days a month with her. When he is with her, he seems to enjoy his time and she enjoys being with him. What’s happened is that he gets looser and looser with following through. (Doesn’t let us know his schedule until the last minute, doesn’t follow through with his agreements, schedules trips without coordinating as agreed…) When confronted, he rebels. His words and actions don’t match. Out of frustration, I said I was ready to go back to court to establish a consistent schedule so that we would all know what to expect and could plan our lives. He reacted by stating he would argue for physical custody (which I now have) and would stop paying child support. So, its all or nothing. How can I work with this while maintaining some boundaries for our daughter and myself?

BTW, these entanglements are similar to ones I had hoped to divorce myself from in the marriage. I really thought that the divorce decree would provide more structure and I would have more autonomy. Ironically, I still feel controlled.

My Response: First off, let me assure you that I can identify with how you feel as I have been where you are. I’m sorry that you are experiencing the same pain.

I can understand you being a little, well maybe even a lot, upset by the comments you overheard your ex and his new wife saying. It’s always hurtful to hear someone saying things that aren’t so nice about us. That being said, I’m an avid believer in truly accepting your reality. The reality is that even though you may not have heard these things before doesn’t mean that your ex never felt this way. It only means that he was ‘kind’ enough not to say it to your face. If you’re really honest with yourself, I’m certain that you’ve said some not so nice things about him, too. After all, you said that you two were already relating poorly, so don’t be too quick to blame this one phone call (that you weren’t even supposed to hear) on your inability to trust him at this point. That phone call has nothing to do with the child and if you have any chance at co-parenting effectively, you must learn to separate the two. I tell all of my divorced parents to be conscious of “I” versus “our child” statements. If all of the statements out of your mouth are…”I was hurt when you…,” “I didn’t like it when you…,” “It makes me sad when you…,” then how you’re feeling probably has more to do with you than with your child. Your perspective on how your relationship ended bears no relevance in how you move forward to raise your daughter. One has nothing to do with the other and you must adopt this mentality if you want a chance in co-parenting effectively in the future.

That being said, this next issue is definitely about your daughter. Children definitely benefit from consistent meaningful contact with both parents. I can certainly understand, however, his work schedule, as an ER doctor generally isn’t a 9 to 5 profession. What was your husband’s work schedule like before the divorce? Did he consistently spend quality time with your daughter when you were married? If not, it isn’t realistic to think that he would change when you divorce. I’m certainly not condoning his behavior. I’m simply trying to get you to accept your reality. When we truly accept our reality we know how to move forward. But if you have a false sense of reality, your expectations will likely far exceed what they should.

I was in your position at one point, too. My ex was and honestly, still is (from a physical and emotional standpoint), very inconsistent. He is an overseas basketball player and he too blames his actions on his work schedule. I used to fight, but now I just don’t anymore. The court order (we have an order for consistent visitation in place), fighting, or even communicating in a friendly way hasn’t changed him and never will. I realized that he has to make that decision all on his own and hope that our son is here to receive him when and if that happens. You stated that you thought about going back to court to establish a more consistent visitation schedule, but that will only work if your ex-husband decides to follow that schedule. Unfortunately, he will not do so until he realizes the importance of doing so.

Reader, there really is no easy answer to setting boundaries for you and your daughter. Yes, the divorce decree is SUPPOSED to provide more structure but that only happens when both parents mutually agree to put their child’s interest above their own. It simply doesn’t work, if you both aren’t on the same page. And, there is ALWAYS compromise involved when trying to get on the same page. You can’t expect him to meet you where you are and he can’t expect the same of you. You BOTH are going to have to make some concessions in order for you to communicate effectively enough to co-parent! Also, be advised that it hasn’t even been a year and it’s going to take some time to move past the hurt and to a peaceful existence. Often times, when we are stewing over hurt feelings we don’t focus on what’s right because we don’t want to. It’s a natural human reaction to being hurt and pissed off. Allow you both to have some time to move past it instead of assuming that you are automatically going to be the loving happy divorced parents who co-parent their child perfectly. Trust me, it takes time to get to that point, if you even arrive at that point at all. It’s all about accepting your reality.

So, my suggestion would be to try to COMMUNICATE with instead of CONFRONTING your ex-husband. When you confront someone it automatically puts them on the defensive. Remember, you’re not interested in being right or attacking him. Your main goal is to communicate, with an intent to understand, so that you can begin to co-parent your daughter in a manner that is most beneficial to her. You set the tone for how things are to going operate from this point on.

Attempting to Understand

I promised all of my readers that you will get nothing but open honesty from me regarding my blended family issues. Additionally, you will get my honest feedback about what has worked and what has not. Furthermore, you will get honest content regarding what I believe my issues are/were that may have contributed to some of my blended family issues. This post will be no different - honest!

My ex and I were together for almost 6 years, and at one point we actually had a pretty good relationship. If nothing else, after all of those years and a child, I feel as though we should be able to move past all of the bickering about who did what and why. At this point, I’m all about solutions. We have an 11 year old son who I don’t want to be affected by our mistakes, and I told my ex that today.

Without going into too much detail, today is the first day I decided to be completely open and honest with my ex. Although we don’t have as many heated discussions as we did before regarding our son, we still have them from time to time. But, I feel as if those discussions are/were unproductive. As such, today wasn’t about trying to persuade him to adopt my way of thinking. It was more about attempting to truly understand him and him understand me. Usually, although I’ve learned a little bit of tact over the years, I am ready to rebuttal any and everything he has to say. This time, however, I honestly spoke my piece and actually listened (hoping to understand) to him. What I learned is this - I don’t know why he has made the decisions that he has made in the past, but I do know that I don’t believe that he possessed any malicious intent when making those decisions. I honestly believe that he is pulled in a number of different directions, and he just doesn’t know what to do. Now, while this isn’t acceptable for my son, I sort of understand where he is coming from.  I hope one day that he can gain some clarity regarding his own life - figure out his priorities, learn how to balance his relationships and still work on being a better father and person.

It’s amazing how certain decisions will follow you for the rest of your life! I hope that those after me will learn how important it is to be careful, maybe even strategic, when choosing a mate. Additionally, I hope that those same individuals will think carefully about when to have a child and who to have that child with. Certain decisions can not be undone, and often times you will spend the rest of your life trying to correct those decisions. Like me, for example, me and my ex will forever be connected because we share a child. We MUST learn to communicate effectively, trust each other and continually attempt to provide our child a life that he deserves. A part of that deserving life are parents that get along and will also do what’s in his best interest.

A relationship of any sort takes time and lots of work. But, the blended family needs a lot more so make sure you’re willing to devote that type of energy before entering into this type of family. Ideally, we would all like to think that love conquers all, but this just isn’t true so try not to get caught up in the fairytale of love. Instead, carefully examine your potential mate before deciding to enter into something that will take a lifetime to get out of.