Establishing expectations between the stepmother and divorced mother

Recently, I posted an article written by author and stepmom, Wednesday Martin, entitled; Ex-Wives, What Your Child’s Stepmother Wants You to Know. Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author of No One’s The Bitch, wrote this, What The Divorced Mom Has to Say, in response to Martin and other stepmothers. After thoroughly reading, dissecting and digesting both of these articles and their subsequent comments, I discovered what I and most of us already know. Both the stepmother and divorced mom, along with everyone else in the modern family, is trying to adjust to this new type of family. Both want to be respected and not demonized for their respective roles, and both want a little understanding along the way. That much is clear and has been for awhile now.

Ex-wives and wives have spent so much time focusing on the obvious. We both know that adjusting to divorce, remarriage and the modern family is difficult, especially if we live through it each day. We can even empathize and relate to what each other is going through, but focusing on this issue clearly doesn’t lead to solutions.

There have been plenty of books, articles, blog posts, and discussions on understanding each others’ pain, but continually focusing on the obvious only makes each side feel more angry and entitled. As a matter of fact, while reading many of the comments from both articles, women admitted or it was implied in the tone of their comment, that they were angry about what each other had to say. The divorced moms were shouting that it wasn’t easy sharing their children with the stepmom, and they wanted to be cut some slack. The stepmoms were saying that it wasn’t easy for them either and they would like a little understanding as well. If you’re a divorced mom and /or a stepmom, then you’ve probably heard this or something similar before. My question is; now that we’ve heard both sides of the story, over and over again, what do we do with this information?

Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife and wife, who are clearly both committed to making it work, because they both have approached me for help, they both want to vent their sides of the story. And often times, it sounds just like the articles mentioned above and their subsequent comments. “I feel this way and you need to understand, cut me slack and empathize with me.” My question to them is always, what does that mean? What does it look like? When you say you want me to cut you some slack and understand where you’re coming from, what is it that you want me to do?

Divorced Mom

When you say you want me to cut you some slack and empathize with you, does that mean you want stepmom to allow you to be intrusive? Does that mean she should be okay with you encouraging, no matter how discretely, your children to dislike her because you feel threatened? Does that mean that she should invite you to holiday dinners or to go on vacation with her because that’s what YOU, not necessarily your children, want? Does empathizing with you mean that you can continue to act out because the divorce isn’t easy for you?

Stepmothers

What does this understanding look like for you? Does it mean that you get to treat the divorced mom’s children/ your husband’s children, like they are sloppy seconds because you don’t love them like your own? Does it mean that you get to refuse to even slightly communicate with the divorced mom because you feel as if you shouldn’t have to co-parent with her to a certain extent?

When asked those set of questions, the conversation begins to get more productive because it talks about what both parties expect instead of solely focusing on how they feel. One way (let’s just talk about how we feel) allows us to continually beat a dead horse and spin our wheels, and the other way (what do we expect from each other), allows us to focus on solutions to a problem that largely contributes to the modern family’s inability to peacefully coexist.

After expectations comes acceptance. Both parties must accept the fact that things are going to be a certain way. The divorced mom must respect and accept that she cannot come to holiday dinners or expect her ex-husband to fix her kitchen sink, if it’s not okay with the stepmother. Why? Because she is married to your ex-husband now and that marriage must be respected. She is not the second wife that your husband took on in his concubine, and therefore she must share him with you. He has one wife and she would like to create special holiday traditions and memories with her new family that are separate from you. Just like you wouldn’t have welcomed an ex-girlfriend or another woman into your marriage when you were married to him. The stepmother understands that you will share some level of interaction concerning the kids. She knows that you will be at extra curricular activities, school plays and attend parent teacher conferences, but everything she does with her husband and your children is not up for debate.

Stepmothers you must accept that the ex-wife needs to communicate with your husband. Yes, she is going to need to call him on a regular basis. They may need to discuss child support, modified visitation arrangements, school issues and other issues pertaining to the kids. Additionally, you must accept that you will even have to communicate with her from time to time. Whether it’s during drop off and pick up, or phone call that you happen to pick up when she calls. You must also accept that your presence isn’t required at every single thing either, just because you are his wife. For example, it might be best to allow the biological parents to attend the parent teacher conferences and allow your husband to inform you of anything that you need to be made aware of.

Overall, both parties must realize that while they are entitled to certain feelings, the actions that follow aren’t always appropriate, acceptable or helpful to anyone in the modern family, including the children. We must learn to be in charge of our own feelings, form realistic expectations of each other, respect each others’ respective positions in the modern family and accept our reality. Our reality is that neither of us are going anywhere anytime soon. Divorced mom, you have to accept and respect that stepmom is the wife now and lady of her house. And stepmom, you have to accept and respect that divorced mom is the mother of your husband’s children…period. Just remember that “acceptance of what has happened is the first, most profound step of overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

BFSO readers, we want to hear your opinions on the matter. Stepmothers and divorced mothers, what are your expectations of each other? Have you clearly thought about them? Are they realistic? Are they what’s best for your children and not just YOU? Let us know by chiming in on the discussion.

The Blame Game!

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny…Albert Ellis – 1913

The quote written above is very powerful.  Although Mr. Ellis refers to placing blame on various people, his words are priceless and can be applied to any family whether that be modern or nuclear.

In her prior posts, Kela often talks about “checking your own baggage before you get on the plane!”  I will admit, I have had to do this once or twice myself in the past.  With that being said, when it comes to your own personal situation, it is unfortunately easier said than done to leave blame out of your life and definitely out of your conversations with the person with whom you are experiencing an issue with (i.e., your ex-spouse, your child’s step-parent, your spouse’s ex and even with your own spouse).  Most people come into relationships with baggage and often times they use that baggage as an excuse to justify placing blame on another person because of their own personal issues.  Not only is this unfair to the person you are placing blame on, it is also unfair to yourself.

Working in the legal business and living my own modern family life, I, myself often talk to women and men who are experiencing hardships with the ex or I am told a story by a woman who hates her husband’s ex-wife (and vice verse), etc.  What’s funny is, after lending an listening ear, I come to realize that most of their reasons for blame are usually more about they themselves than about the other person they are blaming.  They refused to check their own baggage before getting on the plane!  Acknowledging your own faults first will help you to communicate more effectively with every member of your modern family.

Keeping blame out of your conversation and your situation isn’t an easy task.  One great way to communicate through a problem is instead of starting the conversation off with the word “You,” use the word “I.”  Using the word “I” is a very powerful tool.   When you address someone with the word “You,” the message you are sending to the other person is “get ready, put your guard up.”  You will automatically create a defensive response from the other person.  The result–ineffective resolution.  Now, at this point, not only are both parties upset, but offended as well.  All that you originally set out to accomplish has been ruined.  By using “I” statements at the beginning of a discussion, you are showing the other party that you are not all about placing blame but that you are able to understand and reflect their feelings so not to cause further conflict.  Using “I” statements instead of immediately placing blame is in essence “checking your own baggage.”

Being capable of validating and acknowledging your own faults is very liberating and leads to more effective problem solving of the issues.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Relationship Coach, Lacee Jacobs lends advice to wives and ex-wives

Di, J and I had the opportunity to sit down and talk to the fabulous Relationship Coach, Lacee Jacobs, during the taping of our first talk show. She offered some insightful advice that I’m certain our readers will find helpful. Here’s a recap:

What can wives and ex-wives do to improve their relationship and minimize conflict?

• Be committed!
• Determine if your heart is open or if it is closed. This involves the willingness to evaluate the pureness of your way of being toward the other person. What are your deepest thoughts and attitudes about them? Open your heart and release the negative thoughts! This is probably the most challenging step. 
• Establish and acknowledge your own value as well as acknowledge the value of the other person. (In Psychology terms, this is what is referred to as creating healthy boundaries.)
•  Be willing to put yourself in their shoes.  Try viewing the world from their perspective. You do not have to own their perspective, just try it on to attain understanding and compassion. This will require you to be respectful, curious and open.
• Ask yourself questions like, “What can I do to help this person be successful in relationship with me?” Stay away from questions like the following:  ”What is wrong with them?” “Why do I have to be the bigger person?” “Why me?” This step boils down to you choosing to be part of the solution vs. part of the problem.
• Participate in heart communication. This is something that you may need to learn. Take responsibility by reading a book, seeing a therapist or hiring a relationship coach.
• Develop a healthy relationship with your spouse, partner, or significant other.
• Develop a healthy relationship with all of the children that are part of your blended family.

Remember that relationships are designed to teach us. Once you embrace this, you may discover that this experience is an opportunity for you to heal and move toward becoming a bigger version of yourself.

Lacee Jacobs is a professional coach who specializes in working with human relationships of all kinds. As a certified Body/Mind coach and Trained Relationship Systems Practitioner, Lacee combines passion, hearth and challenge to get the results with her clients. For more information on Lacee Jacobs please visit www.myinspiredinsights.com.

Advice from Relationship Coach…Lacee Jacobs!!

Diane,

I want to acknowledge your courage, your pain and the overall challenges that you have needed to endure to raise your son. I know that if  I had been in you shoes, I may not have done anything differently. Before moving towards offering the help you’ve requested, I want you to know that I have compassion for your journey.

My intent is to offer you support that could end your suffering. Many times in relationships, we choose suffering without knowing that we are making a choice. it is usually an unconscious choice that is accompanied by payoffs and hefty prices.

Let me give you an example of what I mean by this based on your experience.

Your Potential Payoffs:

• Being Right About Your Son’s Father – We love to be right. We choose being right over being in a relationship every day.
• Feeling protected – If you stay bitter, you may never have to be hurt again by this man. If you truly forgive him, you may be thinking to yourself “who knows what he could do this time around?” The big walls we construct for people gives us some false sense of safety.
• Attention/Sympathy – This one is always a hard pill to swallow. It requires us to be really honest with ourselves. The truth is if feels good to have someone show us attention. The best way to find out if this is true is to ask yourself how many times you’ve told this story about your son’s father over the years. Notice your motivation for telling the story.
• Enrollment- sometimes we are just looking for someone to side with us. We feel like if we can get people on our side then it won’t hurt as much.
• Playing Small – In a speech by Nelson Mandela, written by Marianne Williamson, he said that our greatest fear is that we are “powerful beyond measure.” Notice your choice of words, “it’s eating away at me (1st paragraph) and “My son doesn’t understand the things that his dad took away from me during those years of abuse. He took everything from me. My self-esteem, my self-worth, my pride and he placed fear in my heart.” It feels like you have given your power away. Who would you be in the world if you took all of your power back? When you share your story again, reframe your words and replace “he took from me” with “I gave him” and see if you notice anything differently. Changing our language alone can start to empower us. I hope you begin to see that you are powerful enough to rewrite your story.

Your Potential Prices:

• A stronger relationship with your son
• A stronger relationship between your son and his father
• A working relationship between your son’s father and you that models forgiveness
• Greater success in your life. It takes tons of energy to keep this in place.
• Your self-esteem
• Peace
• Harmony

I do not know if any of the statements I have made are true. I invite you to write down what you believe are the payoffs and prices for you. Once you have completed your list, ask yourself if you are willing to continue to the pay the prices in order to receive the payoffs. If you are no longer willing to pay the prices, make a list of what you need to do or who you need to become to have your prices become your payoffs.

Example:

I choose to be forgiving in order to create a working relationship with my son’s father.

I will bring a heart of peace and encourage a relationship between my son and his father.

I will only tell my story when it will be used as a tool for making a positive different in someone else’s life or I am seeking support for my own personal development and growth.

I will release the past so that my family may have peace and harmony.

I pray that his exercise will have you moving towards a greater sense of awareness and unconditional love for yourself and others.

Thank you for allowing me to contribute.

Lacee Jacobs

Certified Relationship Systems Practitioner

www.myinspiredinsights.com

Reader’s Question for the Advisory Board

BFSO is consulting the Advisory Board once again. This time we need to help a reader figure out what she should do. Below is her scenario and my response. We know the best advice comes from those who are living or have lived it. Please respond with open minds and sincere hearts.
Reader’s Question:

I’m a Mom and my ex-husband (in which we’re both remarried) have 50/50 custody. However, we live in different towns and my kids go to school in his hometown.

My problem is that my exes new wife is my children’s primary caregiver. She is currently housesitting for her mother, in which her and my children are staying there, but my ex husband is staying at their house. This is strange to me because my exes wife’s mothers home is in the same town as my exes home. My ex said that he’s getting a lot of work done while they’re gone.

I work from home and want my kids to live with me and go to school in my home town. My ex will not give them up. he says that their home is there and that their school is there. Although I agree that stability in the same school is important, my kids aren’t being taken care of by him. They’re being taken care of by their stepmom. (who is very nice by the way).

Should I take this to court since obviously my ex isn’t the one primarily taking care of them and I have the circumstances and great desire to have them with me?

What’s your thought?

My Response:

Hi Jakki! Thanks so much for stopping by.

I am sorry that you’re in this position. It’s tough when you’re really trying to make decisions based on what’s best for your children. I am sure that your decision to allow your children to remain in your ex’s hometown was based on just that [doing what's best for them]. However, being cared for, primarily, whenever possible, by both of their biological parents is equally important. My questions to you would be: 1) How many days of the week do you get to see them as you stated that you share custody? 2) How many times a week does your ex actually have them since his wife is caring for them outside of their home? 3) Is there a reason why your children live with your ex in the first place?

All of those questions would definitely influence whether or not I would take my ex to court. But, just from the information you’ve provided above, if my children weren’t being primarily cared for by me or my ex, then something would definitely have to change. While I’m sure that your ex’s wife is a great person (after all, she’s caring for your children), I don’t think it’s fair to you, to her or to your children to have her primarily care for them; especially when neither you, nor your husband share a residence with them.

Here are a couple of options to consider:

1. Take your ex to court for physical custody as it’s almost impossible to have joint physical custody when you both reside in different hometowns. I’m not sure how old your children are, but they will adjust to a new school. If one is a senior in high school, then it might be best to allow him to finish out the year in his current school. Other than that, kids move all of the time, and they adjust.

2. You mentioned that you worked from home, so how possible would it be for you to move to the town where your children reside? This way, they could live with you, stay in their school, but still have unlimited access to their father.

I hope I’ve helped in some way, Jakki. I’ll repost this scenario so that readers will have a chance to respond as well.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

What Should I Do? I need my BFSO Advisory Board!

I have an issue that I’d like to reach out to the BFSO Advisory Board (that’s you readers, by the way) for advice on. It’s about my ex and his relationship with our son. Most of you know, by reading the blog, that my ex is an overseas basketball player and has been since I was pregnant with our son. As such, he’s been living out of the country ever since our son was born and he’s now 11. As a result, they pretty much don’t have a meaningful relationship. My ex wants to change that and so do I, but we clash on how to do so. He is only in the states about 8 weeks, maybe a little more on occasion, out of the entire year and has been since I was pregnant. Therefore, my son has never had the opportunity to develop a meaningful bond with him. It took my son a long while before he actually wanted to go over to their house, without being forced.  Over the past few years, however, it has gotten better; especially since his wife and son stay behind while he goes to Spain to play basketball. It has allowed my son to spend more time in his second home, with his second mom and little brother. Now, he loves to spend as much time with them [his second mom and brother] as he can, and I certainly don’t mind. As a matter of fact, my husband and I are both very happy that he asks to go over every weekend, holiday or whenever he has a break from school. It confirms that his second mom really makes him feel at home when he’s there.  I thank God for that…what a relief! The problems occur when my ex returns for his 8 week visit. My son almost instantly withdraws and doesn’t want to go over.  Last summer, he even said, “I’ll just wait until dad leaves before I go over there again.” When I asked him why he said that he just didn’t feel comfortable when his dad was there. He said that he’d like for him (his dad) to get to know him better.

Let me explain…my son is a highly intelligent, straight A student. He started booting up the computer (on his own) and playing educational games at age 18 months, putting together 100 piece puzzles before age 2 and reading, fluently, by age 3. He’s our brainiac who loves anything having to do with science. Some of our conversations are even over my head! Additionally, he’s the sweetest, most kind-hearted, compassionate, wise individual (not kid, but person) that you’d ever meet. Most people (his teachers, friends’ parents, etc) literally compare him to Ghandi. His bio-dad, on the other hand, is a jock. He’s the professional basketball player, who like most (I don’t mean to stereotype, but it’s true) are self-absorbed individuals, who think that world starts and stops around their schedule because they play basketball. Are you starting to see how the two completely clash??

With that said, I can really tell, especially since my ex is getting older and finally growing up, that he desires a more meaningful relationship with our son. But, he wants our son to do so on his terms. He thinks that by forcing him to stay the entire summer (the 8 weeks that he’s here) that their relationship will automatically improve. I told him that forcing him would potentially do more harm than good. By the time my son gets over the shock of being forced to stay in an environment that he’s not comfortable in, it’s time for the ex to skip town again, for a year, and they get to do it all over again the next summer. I explained to him that forcing him to be with him will not do any good until he decides to stay put for more than 8 weeks in the summer. Additionally, being a parent is much more than just having him in the house with you. You have to spend time with him and even do things that he wants to do at times.  And, because you’ve never had an opportunity to bond, alone time is essential as well.  My ex just doesn’t get it at this point. I will say, however, that I can really tell that he’s making a concerted effort to understand where I’m coming from. I’m so happy that although we don’t agree on everything or even always understand each other’s points of view, we both talk about it like adults and then attempt to work out an optimal solution. And, at the end of the day, we both really want what’s best for our son. What a blessing to have finally arrived at this point!

My question for the BFSO Advisory Board is, should I force my son to stay the 8 weeks in the summer, if he doesn’t want to? Legally, I am not obligated to do so because the judge ordered that he give 60 days notice prior to arriving in the states, which he has never done because he said that he just can’t. However, I’m always flexible with the parenting time schedule and allow my son to see his dad and/or second mom as much as he wants. My thoughts are that if dad were doing everything that he was supposed to do, we wouldn’t have to force him. I’ve told him to call regularly, not just from time to time. Use email to communicate with him on a regular basis. I even suggested a webcam for more frequent contact. But, he’s acted on none of my suggestions. Why should I be flexible and bend over backwards to achieve this goal [my son spending more time with him], and why should my son be forced to be uncomfortable, if dad can’t hold up his end of the bargain? Whether it be because he can’t or isn’t willing? What do you readers think?

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Happy New Year to all of the BFSO readers and your families! Let’s all thank God for carrying us through 2008. I certainly know that I could not have made it without Him!

We wish you happiness, good health, prosperity and peace in the upcoming year. A new year means a fresh start, and I hope that all of you take advantage of this fresh start. It’s a chance to do things differently; whether it be bury hatchets, react differently or simply decide to choose peace in the midst of your current circumstances. Remember, all of our feelings and beliefs are truly based on our internal thoughts and conversations with ourselves. WE ARE IN CONTROL whether we know it or not. If you are feeling overwhelmed about any aspect of your blended family, the first step to changing your attitude is changing that inner conversation. 2009 is your fresh start!

Also in 2009, BFSO promises to bring you more insightful posts, guest bloggers in the areas of relationship coaching, family law, tips on how to teach all of my blended family wives how to keep it spicy (use your imagination) and much more. In 2009, we are focusing on the entire family; from how to keep it spicy in the bedroom, to how to decorate your favorite room. From how to deal with the ex-spouse in your life, to how to maintain peace in what some perceive as an insane existence. We want you to know that your blended families’ problems DO NOT define your families. The operative word in blended family is family, and in 2009 BFSO will show you how to keep the focus on your family!

Lastly,  I want to sincerely thank all of my readers! Thank you for taking the time to read this blog, which just started out as my way to vent my frustrations. I never expected it to be as helpful to others as it has been. Nor, did I ever expect to learn so much from all of you, too!

And so, let’s gear up for a fabulous 2009! No more looking back as the best is yet to come.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

From the Blended Family Soap Opera Family

Catfight…dealing with insecurities

The topic of insecurities has been directly or indirectly mentioned in several posts and comments, that I felt the need to thoroughly address it. It is no secret that discord in a blended family can stem from insecurities from either the ex or current wife or both. And, as we all know, the blended family functions much better when the ex and current wife are working together and getting along. The questions that still remain, however, are; 1) Why can’t women seem to get along? 2) Why are we so vicious to one another??

It sickens me to believe that long ago, the women before us were able to collaboratively strive for success in the arenas of political activism and social justice. When they told us we couldn’t vote we banned together. We also banned together to demand our respect amongst our male counterparts in corporate America. Yet, when it comes to what should be most important to us, our blended families, we just can’t seem to work together, or just refrain from trying to tear each other completely down.

Jealously is a common factor in competition among women and insecurities grab hold of many of us. We want what she [current wife] has. We want the attention she is getting. We may feel like we deserve it more than she does. We feel the need to fight to prove that we are better. By that same token, women feel the need to fight to hold on to what she has. We throw it in the faces of the other woman [ex-wife] that we have what she couldn’t hold on to.

With that said, fear on the ex-wife’s behalf can also create an enormous amount of tension within the blended family. The confusion and fear usually displays itself in the form of insecurities which sometimes causes the ex-wife to act out. Through my posts about my ex I have been more than honest about feeling hurt once he remarried. It wasn’t because I wanted him back because I had also moved on. It was because for so many years he was all I had known.  We spent years together even before we had our son. We had a child together, and we had planned to spend the rest of our lives together. I didn’t plan on having to deal with all of the issues that a blended family faces. I didn’t want my son’s family to be broken.The mere idea of starting over was enough to make me want to run back to a relationship that I knew wasn’t good for either of us. It was scary! And, if we are all honest with ourselves, many of us have had these feelings when it comes to the demise of our relationships with men that we have children with. This is why I often say I can relate to the feelings that an ex-wife feels when she’s finally faced with the fact that she’ll never have her family together again. What I don’t condone, however, is acting on those impulses.

All of my second moms have a few insecurities that they often deal with, too. For some, it’s hard to see their husband have to what they perceive as catering to another woman, his ex-wife.  Some can’t even deal with it when he’s friendly towards her and performs simple gestures such as an innocent hug. It symbolizes that he once loved this other woman (who is also the mother of his child(ren) that they will all be forever connected to. Of course we know that our husbands had a past before us, but let’s be honest, it’s much easier to deal with when you aren’t confronted with that past on a regular basis.

I want to acknowledge both the ex and current wife’s insecurities by affirming that they are completely normal. It doesn’t mean that you are an overall insecure woman; you’re just human. Dealing with a failed relationship is like grieving the loss of an entire life that you once knew, but will never have again. That’s hard to deal with. Additionally, feeling like you have to fight to hold on to a family that you love so dearly due to the insecurities and issues of an ex-wife, is also alot to deal with. Once you accept these feelings as normal you won’t feel like you have to defend your position.

So, I encourage both my current and ex-wives to acknowledge their own fears. Why do you feel threatened or upset with the current wife? If you are blaming her for the demise of your marriage, realize in most cases (except for adulturous situations) your marriage was over before she came along. And realistically, you had to have known that your ex-husband wasn’t going to be single forever or even just until you found someone.  And for my second wives, why might you feel threatned or upset with the ex-wife? Understand that the prior relationship did not succeed and, therefore, is not a threat to your current relationship. You should rely on your husband (and hold him responsible) to honor and protect your marriage, even where the ex-wife is concerned; instead of focusing on what she might be doing to tear it apart.

“There are many things that we would throw away if we weren’t so afraid that others might pick them up.” ~Oscar Wilde

Family Mediation

I’ve held off on writing this post because I didn’t want it to sound like another angry post. In my effort to remain positive about my blended family situation I now TRY to avoid posts filled with anger, name-calling and just pure hate. Having said that, every now and then I just have to let out a frustrated scream…”ahhhhhhhhhh”

Background Information

At the end of October me, my husband, his ex-wife and her current husband attended a family mediation session. The divorce mediator that my husband and his ex-wife were using suggested that K (their son/my stepson) see a child psychologist based on the information that she was provided with during their sessions. The child psychologist that they chose is also a family mediator as she deals with many children from divorced families. She insisted on all of us having a few sessions, prior to her seeing K, in order to get a better understanding of the issues that he might be faced with.

It was an extremely tense environment because we had not been in the same room in about 6 years! However, I entered the session with a very open mind as I was very interested in Y’s (husband’s ex-wife) viewpoints. I really wanted to know why she felt the need to alienate K from his family for the past year. I thought to myself that maybe she does have a valid reason for doing so. Maybe, just maybe we have just been misunderstanding each other this entire time. Honestly, I knew that this was far from the truth, but I was still hopeful.

At any rate, if you readers can remember some of my earlier post in which I indicated that K had done something that was very wrong and raised a lot of concern for not only M’s (my bio son) well-being, but his as well. This was the basic reason for us seeing the child psychologist. The psychologist started by asking this basic question; “What are your concerns?” Below are our answers in the order that we gave them.

Me: I’m very concerned because we ALWAYS focus on how K feels about something or Y feels about how K is going to feel that we seem to forget that there are two children in this blended family. And, I have to focus on M’s well-being as well. While I am extremely concerned about BOTH children one did something wrong (K) and one did not (M). Therefore, I have to make sure that both are okay, especially the one that I am raising full-time in my home. This not only pertains to this particular situation, but any situation in our blended family. I think that Y thinks that because she shares a child with my husband I must consider his “wants” over my child’s needs, and I just can’t do that. I want to be respected as a mother, and more importantly, I need a little understanding when it comes to us making decisions for both children.

Y: It’s not that I base my actions on lack of concern for M. I just don’t ever know what’s going on (This is such a lie). I feel so in the dark. I don’t know how M is feeling or what his needs are, but I do know my child’s needs and I have to base my decisions primarily off of that.

Her Husband: I just want to make sure K isn’t treated differently when he goes back to their house based on what he has done. He’s very sorry for what he did, and I’m confident that it will never happen again.

My Husband: No one is going to treat him any differently. My wife loves K and would never do anything to hurt him, no matter what. All of her actions up until this point have been solely based on concern for K and nothing else. I just want to know when my son can come back to see his family.

Before I go on, let me say that Y is so full of …She claims to be in the dark, but we tell her everything knowing that it ALWAYS leads to some long contentious court battle. As a matter of fact, we wouldn’t even be here (attending family mediation) had we not revealed to you what occurred in our home. It’s the reason we’ve been going through this mess for a year because we told you what had occurred. So, how do you feel in the dark? And, you say that your decisions aren’t based on lack of concern for M…please. You have directly stated that you don’t have to be concerned about M, and you’re right. But guess what, that can’t apply to me because I’m M’s mother. You also stated that you have no idea how certain things affect M because we don’t tell you..another lie. For example, remember when we told you that it was disruptive to the start of M’s school year to have K here for an entire month, at the very beginning of the school year? We said that for any child, after being out of school all summer, it takes a minute to get back into the school year routine, and having K here just hampers that. We thought that you’d understand since 3 years earlier you took my husband to court to prohibit him from making his morning phone call to K on the very basis that it disrupts his morning routine!!! Now if a two minute phone call can disrupt K’s morning routine, what in the hell do you think having K here for an entire month, at the beginning of the school year, does to M’s routine? Instead, we requested June and July, instead of June and August. You said that you didn’t care how it affected M, and you told everyone, including the Judge, that we said that K was a disruption to our lives, instead of telling them what was really said.

As you can see I was nothing short of flabbergasted and pissed when I heard what came out of her mouth. The whole point of mediation is to uncover the TRUTH so that we can all begin to work towards some sort of compromise and solution. It’s not to lie because when you do that we just end up spinning our wheels.

It’s so funny how she and her husband claim to be so very concerned about how K is going to feel or be treated when he returns to our home based on his wrong-doing. Number one, they don’t know me AT ALL. I would never stop loving either one of my sons based on a mistake that they made. Number two, K and I had a great relationship (I say had because I haven’t seen him in over a year. His mother will not allow me to have any contact with him because she thinks that my potential actions might have a detrimental effect on his mental health). Number three, my mind doesn’t operate like hers. I would never do harm or have any disregard for a child, even if he or she is not mine. Through it all, no one asked K how he felt, until yesterday. My husband had his normal 5 hour per month visit with K and asked K if he had any questions regarding what has happened. His response: “I don’t know why a Judge would say that I can’t see my family. I just don’t understand.” My husband said that the Judge based his ruling on what your mother said. K replied, “why does mom not want me to see my step mom?” My husband told him that it was her way of protecting him. K’s exact words, “That’s crazy, she (he’s talking about me) would never do anything to hurt me.”

I’m so happy that K still feels that love that I’ve instilled in him since he was 4 years old (he’ll be 12 next month). He knows that I love him, despite what his mother says or has done. He knows that I’d never hurt him or treat him differently just because he did something wrong. It just hurts me that I can’t be the one to reinforce this notion to him. More importantly, it vehemently disgusts me that Y is alienating K from his family just because she can’t get her way. But, there really is nothing I can do about that. All I can do is continue to love him the way I know how. My husband and I will continue to negate whatever his mother says via our actions. And, we will continue to pray that God grants her some sort of peace so that we all can be free of this unnecessary stress.

Blended Family Call to Action…This is our wake up call!!!

As I sat down to write this post all I could think of was 3 things: 1) My heart completely aches for fellow blogger and second mom, Morocco. 2) Tomorrow is never promised. 3) Most importantly, what else can I do to help blended families peacefully coexist by respecting each others’ roles? Life truly is too short to waste time battling over the insignificant. Time is much better spent by loving your spouse and children, cooperating with your ex-spouse in order to co-parent effectively and overall, creating a family unit that your children can not only thrive in, but be proud of as well.

A few days ago I posted an entry just to notify you [readers] that I hadn’t fallen off of the face of the earth. I wanted to assure you that I am doing everything that I can to be a better advocate for our type of family, and the children that exist within it. Before logging off I decided to do my routine blog favorites (I have them listed on the left) check. The first one I checked was Full Moon, and as soon as the page popped up my mouth hit the floor and my heart immediately followed. It read, “Say a prayer for Morocco and her family. Morocco lost her husband last night…”

“WHAT,” I screamed! I couldn’t believe what I was reading. So many thoughts ran threw my head. I wish I could help her was my immediate thought. Just through this blogsphere, I feel like I’ve grown to know her and her family. I’ve appreciated her insight. I’ve admired her patience and strength that she displays when dealing with the ex-wife in her life. I’ve hoped that her situation would get better, and that she and her husband would finally begin to live in peace.  I can relate to her. As such, I am deeply and genuinely sorry for her loss.

My next thought was my husband. I ran to give him a hug and expressed how much I truly love him and my family. My final thought…my husband’s ex-wife and my ex’s new wife! I thought about how they would feel if anything like this ever happened in our family. I thought about how much we would still need each other! My stepson would still need me to remain connected to his father; to help keep his memory alive. We’ve been a family since he was 4. He has spent summers with us; gone on vacation with us and has created holiday memories with us. It would be traumatic to just act like this part of his world doesn’t exist if we ever lost my husband. The same holds true for my ex, if we were ever to lose him. I would need his wife to keep his memory alive for my son. I wouldn’t want to pretend like his second mom and little brother never existed and would be absolutely devastated if they wanted no part of him if his father were to pass on. All of these thoughts, as incoherent as they may seem, really did drive home a central point; the blended is truly a family that is made up of not only our immediate family units, but the extended portion as well. Ex-spouses, new spouses, children (both bio and step), grandparents, step-grandparents…are ALL apart of our unique family. It is a family with a synergistic foundation; a bunch of parts that can function alone and those parts’ respective functions are very important, but it works a lot better when all of those parts work together. Think of it in terms of our bodies. The heart does its’ job; the lungs do theirs; the liver has an important function and so on. But, the heart never tries to eliminate waste from your body, like the liver. Yet, the liver can not function without the heart. All the organs must work together in order to give you life. If one organ fails, you die, unless you get a new one. But, it’s pretty hard to find a replacement. Our children are our bodies and we [parents] are their organs. We have to all respect each others’ roles, never trivializing each others’ important functions and work together to give our children life! We need each other more than we think, and it’s crucial that we realize that.

BFSO readers, this is your wake up call! What will you do with your time?  Will you spend it arguing with the ex in your life; be it your ex-spouse or your husband’s new wife? Will you spend it arguing with your current spouse about his or her ex-spouse? Will you spend it arguing over things that really don’t matter? Or, will you  direct your energy towards making it better? It will not only improve the quality of life for your children, but it will improve your quality of life as well.

And so, here’s the BFSO Call to Action: I want all of my blended family friends to spend at least one day, November 21, 2008, being positive about whoever you’re in conflict with within your blended family unit. Think of at least one positive thing to say or write about them, and either send it or say it to them or just send it to me, if you can’t make that step yet. You can email it to kela_price@yahoo.com or leave it in the comments section. This will do two things; it will force you to view your situation in a more positive light and it will hopefully throw up that truce flag between you and the person you’re in conflict with. Remember, tomorrow is not promised, and it’s up to you to determine whether or not you’ll live in turmoil or peace. What will you do with your time???

BFSO would like to extend our deepest sympathy to Morocco and her family during their time of need. Morocco, please know that you are in our prayers. We pray for your strength. We pray for your peace and we KNOW that God will carry you through.

Peace and Blessings,

Kela Price and the Blended Family Soap Opera Family

« Previous Page — Next Page »