Marriage and Divorce: A Powerful Lesson

Below is a thought provoking, powerful story about marriage and divorce, written by an unknown author. For me, it further confirms my point that marriage is something that is to be cherished, nurtured and protected. If any of you reading this story is considering divorce, I sincerely hope it makes you think twice.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

Death and child custody!

In some of my earlier posts I spoke about being ill for nearly two years. At one point, I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it or if I even wanted to. During that time I thought a lot about my son and what would happen to him if I died. Who would get custody of him, and how would that affect him?

My blended family situation is a bit different that others. My current husband and I have raised my biological son since he was 4 and he is now 12. He calls my husband dad. My husband has been there for every school performance, soccer game and recital. He coached his basketball team for 4 years. He’s wiped away tears, taught him how to ride a bike and overall, is a wonderful influence in his life. My son calls him dad because he is dad in every way that counts.

My son loves his biological father, but he is out of the country for 10 months of every year, and it has been hard for them to form the bond that my husband and son share. The type of bond that they share takes effort and time, and unfortunately for my ex, he isn’t present to put forth that effort and never has been.  Although I still encourage my ex and son’s relationship, I just don’t think it will ever be as strong as the bond that my husband and son share. Let me make it clear that I don’t want it to be this way as I firmly believe that my son will benefit from having a strong bond with both of his fathers. However, I, alone, can only do so much to make that happen.

So this brings me to the point of this post; who would I want to care for my son in the event of my untimely death? Answer…my husband!! I couldn’t imagine having my son’s world being completely torn a part due to my death and then be taken away from the only “dad” and full-time parent that he’s ever known. It would be absolutely devastating for him. Of course I would still want his bio-dad and second mom to be a huge part of his life, but I would want him to continue to be primarily raised by my husband. Not to mention that it would also devastate my husband if he lost his wife and son in the same year.

The burning questions that I’ve had since my illness are how do I make sure that husband remains the primary caregiver for my son if I were to die? Do I include it in my will? Do I have this conversation with my ex? Will my ex understand where I’m coming from and do what’s best for our son? Or, will my husband be faced with dealing with a vicious custody battle (he’s already said that he WOULD FIGHT) and my death simultaneously? Out of respect for my ex and because I don’t ever want him to feel as if I don’t want him in our son’s life, I think I’ll eventually have this conversation with him. I want it to first come from me and not some cold legal document. I really do think that he’ll understand.

What about you BFSO readers? Do any of you have similar situations? What plans have you made in the event of your death? Drop us a comment or send an email to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.

Life’s Choices — Live them or Learn from Them

As I have said in the past, when Kela asked me to be a contributor on this blog, I promised nothing but honesty.  Over the past several days, since hearing the news of the death of our blended family friend Morocco’s husband, I have been doing a lot of soul searching just as I am sure many of you are.  Thinking about the choices I make and how they affect or have the possibility of affecting my blended family, I have even been doing some serious thinking about my own husband and how just the little things I may or may not do can affect him.

Over the years I’ve come to realize that we have to live with our choices and if we are “smart” or “seasoned” enough (which I am not always) to learn from them, then we are way ahead of the game.  As I have stated, I too, have lost a husband in the past – the father of my 3 sons.  I made mistakes in that relationship that I’ve regretted every day since the day he died.  My husband’s death was the hardest thing I have ever had to trudge my way through, and the pain is something that I can sit here and honestly tell you readers that I can think about and still feel the exact pain in my heart that I felt on day one of that journey.  But, the question I have been asking myself today is — Have I completely and totally learned from that experience?  Do I always treat my husband the way he deserves to be treated?  I have asked myself a lot of those questions over the past several days.  I don’t have to relate this experience to just my life partner, but to my whole blended family.  Do I always make the right choices in how I am dealing with my blended family?  If I wake up tomorrow and God forbid there be something dire in the cards for one of us, have I done all I can within myself to show my appreciation and love or did I just take them for granted?  Did I do the best I can to make that irritation or attitude I may have felt with my husband’s ex-wife after they’ve had an argument better?  Have I always made my step-daughter feel equal?  I can positively say that I believe that I am on the right track, but I know that I still make mistakes that I don’t need to be making after everything that I have learned in my life.

This is one of the reasons that I try so hard to be an intermediary between my husband and his ex-wife when they have disagreements or problems.  In the back of my mind I am always thinking — what if — what if something were to happen to one of them and they said those harsh things — -I have been there.  I have walked that path and it’s not an easy one so I try to get my husband to see things through a mother’s eyes so that he might have a better insight to how his ex-wife may feel and when talking with her, I try to do the same.  I have made some of those same choices that she may be getting ready to make and living them as well.  If we make a conscientious effort,  we can choose to learn from our pasts in order for our blended families to be strong, thrive and stay together.

During the past several days, I have been also been thinking about Morocco’s husband’s ex-wife in prison.  Will the death of her ex-husband and children’s father possibly make her turn over a new leaf?  Will she learn from her choices or will she continue to live them?  Will she realize her mistakes and CHOOSE to make better choices in the future? -I will pray that she will.

We all know that nothing in life is guaranteed.  Nothing.  Nothing works without hard work and appreciation.  Nothing.  No relationship, no job, no blended family.

Tonight, I think, I will hug my husband and my children a little tighter and a little longer.

God Bless,

Diane

Blended Family Call to Action…This is our wake up call!!!

As I sat down to write this post all I could think of was 3 things: 1) My heart completely aches for fellow blogger and second mom, Morocco. 2) Tomorrow is never promised. 3) Most importantly, what else can I do to help blended families peacefully coexist by respecting each others’ roles? Life truly is too short to waste time battling over the insignificant. Time is much better spent by loving your spouse and children, cooperating with your ex-spouse in order to co-parent effectively and overall, creating a family unit that your children can not only thrive in, but be proud of as well.

A few days ago I posted an entry just to notify you [readers] that I hadn’t fallen off of the face of the earth. I wanted to assure you that I am doing everything that I can to be a better advocate for our type of family, and the children that exist within it. Before logging off I decided to do my routine blog favorites (I have them listed on the left) check. The first one I checked was Full Moon, and as soon as the page popped up my mouth hit the floor and my heart immediately followed. It read, “Say a prayer for Morocco and her family. Morocco lost her husband last night…”

“WHAT,” I screamed! I couldn’t believe what I was reading. So many thoughts ran threw my head. I wish I could help her was my immediate thought. Just through this blogsphere, I feel like I’ve grown to know her and her family. I’ve appreciated her insight. I’ve admired her patience and strength that she displays when dealing with the ex-wife in her life. I’ve hoped that her situation would get better, and that she and her husband would finally begin to live in peace.  I can relate to her. As such, I am deeply and genuinely sorry for her loss.

My next thought was my husband. I ran to give him a hug and expressed how much I truly love him and my family. My final thought…my husband’s ex-wife and my ex’s new wife! I thought about how they would feel if anything like this ever happened in our family. I thought about how much we would still need each other! My stepson would still need me to remain connected to his father; to help keep his memory alive. We’ve been a family since he was 4. He has spent summers with us; gone on vacation with us and has created holiday memories with us. It would be traumatic to just act like this part of his world doesn’t exist if we ever lost my husband. The same holds true for my ex, if we were ever to lose him. I would need his wife to keep his memory alive for my son. I wouldn’t want to pretend like his second mom and little brother never existed and would be absolutely devastated if they wanted no part of him if his father were to pass on. All of these thoughts, as incoherent as they may seem, really did drive home a central point; the blended is truly a family that is made up of not only our immediate family units, but the extended portion as well. Ex-spouses, new spouses, children (both bio and step), grandparents, step-grandparents…are ALL apart of our unique family. It is a family with a synergistic foundation; a bunch of parts that can function alone and those parts’ respective functions are very important, but it works a lot better when all of those parts work together. Think of it in terms of our bodies. The heart does its’ job; the lungs do theirs; the liver has an important function and so on. But, the heart never tries to eliminate waste from your body, like the liver. Yet, the liver can not function without the heart. All the organs must work together in order to give you life. If one organ fails, you die, unless you get a new one. But, it’s pretty hard to find a replacement. Our children are our bodies and we [parents] are their organs. We have to all respect each others’ roles, never trivializing each others’ important functions and work together to give our children life! We need each other more than we think, and it’s crucial that we realize that.

BFSO readers, this is your wake up call! What will you do with your time?  Will you spend it arguing with the ex in your life; be it your ex-spouse or your husband’s new wife? Will you spend it arguing with your current spouse about his or her ex-spouse? Will you spend it arguing over things that really don’t matter? Or, will you  direct your energy towards making it better? It will not only improve the quality of life for your children, but it will improve your quality of life as well.

And so, here’s the BFSO Call to Action: I want all of my blended family friends to spend at least one day, November 21, 2008, being positive about whoever you’re in conflict with within your blended family unit. Think of at least one positive thing to say or write about them, and either send it or say it to them or just send it to me, if you can’t make that step yet. You can email it to kela_price@yahoo.com or leave it in the comments section. This will do two things; it will force you to view your situation in a more positive light and it will hopefully throw up that truce flag between you and the person you’re in conflict with. Remember, tomorrow is not promised, and it’s up to you to determine whether or not you’ll live in turmoil or peace. What will you do with your time???

BFSO would like to extend our deepest sympathy to Morocco and her family during their time of need. Morocco, please know that you are in our prayers. We pray for your strength. We pray for your peace and we KNOW that God will carry you through.

Peace and Blessings,

Kela Price and the Blended Family Soap Opera Family