It’s All About YOU!

Like many women, I have often wondered what it really means to take care of myself.  Two months after my 20th birthday, I became a mom.  It felt like, for so many years, that my life was defined by motherhood.  I fully engaged myself in being a mom.  My world revolved around my boys instead of my world revolving around what made me happy, content and joyful.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being a mother and I wouldn’t change that for anything the world could offer me, but it took a long time to realize that being  a mother was only one part of who I was.

Like many women, we tend to sit and fester in our worries, our thoughts, our perceptions of what our lives “should” be like.  We fight what is right and that is the mere fact that if we are not healthy both mentally, physically and emotionally, we cannot and will not be able to effectively be all we can be to our children, spouses and family.  Each day, as we lose ourselves more in everyone elses’ lives, we lose a bit of who we are.  We validate our feelings by thinking that it is only right to put everyone before ourselves and we continue to “stuff away” our feelings and emotions and we all know that when the volcano erupts, there is no where left to hide!  When we make the choice to neglect ourselves, we forget to shuffle the deck and the only cards that are left in our hand are that of stress, pain, depression, anxiety and sorrow.

Over the past few years, I have really made an effort to discover what it really means to love myself unconditionally.  I am taking stock in creating and decorating a fresh canvas that I call ME!  For example, in 2008, I joined Today’s Modern Family and I was able to use this as a vehicle for expressing my thoughts and sharing them with others in hopes that I might be able to reach one person through my experiences.  You readers have returned my investment ten fold!  Another example is I decided that I need time to myself.  If it means I pick my own little space in my small house to hang a sign and say DO NOT DISTURB, then that’s what I do.  It’s in this alone time that I listen to myself.  I use this time to write, to read, to embrace myself and, most importantly, to slow down and acknowledge the changes that are taking place in my life and/or evaluate what changes need to take place in my life.

When we make it “all about us”and reconnect with ourselves for a little while, we suddenly are able to view our situations differently.  This allows us to reframe and redirect our emotions and ultimately our situations.  It’s the same picture, you just  make the choice to view it differently which in turn gives you a chance to change the outcome.  Evaluation is really key.  We don’t evaluate enough because we are so geared to reacting first.  Taking our own time allows for evaluation.  Whether our situations be about ourselves and our spouses, our work situation, etc., we discover that we find more courage to handle them.

Here are a few tips on making it “all about you:”

• Find a special space in your house that you can make off-limits to everyone else.  Use it!
• Pray or meditate.
• Travel.  Escape somewhere you’ve never been. Plan a trip for yourself or you and your spouse alone.
• Lean into your fears.  Don’t temporarily bandage them.  If you need some help, seek it.  Anxiety, depression and worry can be overwhelming and its OK to seek help.
• Pamper yourself once a month.  It’s crucial.  Get a mani/pedi or a new hairdo.  It’s so worth it.
• Find a hobby that makes you happy.
• Exercise and eat healthier.
• Speak up for yourself.  Don’t let resentment build in your relationships.  Your spouse or significant other cannot read your mind.  Speak up!
• Stay on track with what is important to you.
• Seek support.
• Get plenty of sleep.
• Lead by example.  Remember, your children are watching you.  If you teach them that taking care of yourself doesn’t matter, they won’t do it for themselves either.

TMF Readers remember this…just like your car can’t run on fumes, neither can you.  If your gas gauge is always registering empty and you don’t take time to fill your tank, where will you and your life end up?  Stranded!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Personal Reflections for a Joyful Mind

With the holidays fast approaching, I, like many of you readers, end up doing a lot of self-reflection of not just the past year that flew by, but about what I want to do differently next year, what I want to change about myself and remembering those special people that have gone from us too soon.

As I have stated many times, by the time I was 31, I was widowed with 3 children.  I had lost my husband, older brother and grandfather all within a two year period.  Of course, that was over 12 years ago now, but in my reflections, I have come realize how far I have actually come in my life since that stressful time.  I am writing this post with The Joyful Mind Project on my heart with hopes to maybe spark some of you readers who may also be reflecting in your own way.  Maybe you suffer from anxiety as I did after my experiences, maybe you suffer from depression or maybe you just are overworked and overwhelmed and you feel like your world is crashing around you.  In my experience, getting through and getting to the point of reflection came first by way of acceptance.  Just plain and simply accepting life as it is.  Going thru this process can be nothing less than devastating but it is reality.

Accepting life right where you are, all of the bad, the ugly and the good is essential.  It’s really about deciding to “surrender” what you “think” your life is or should be at that moment and choosing to accept and change.  It has been written that…..”Life is not the way it’s supposed to be.  It is the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”   The way we cope.  What a powerful statement.  Of course, the way we each individually cope is always going to be different, but for me, it took a good long time.  I had a catch phrase that I told myself often and it was this…”If you can cope, you have hope.”  Cliche, I know but it worked for me.

Once you begin to accept that you are right where you are supposed to be at this moment, your whole perspective will begin to change.  You will decide at that moment to devise a different relationship with the problem at hand.  I tell my coaching clients all of the time that if they focus only on what is wrong with their blended family then that will be their reality because at that point, they aren’t “choosing” to fix the problem.  Their words have not become impeccable.  They haven’t gotten to acceptance yet.  Accept there is a problem, get help and do your best to fix it.  See the problem differently instead of letting it debilitate you.

TMF Readers, when you are going thru acceptance, remember to not allow your emotions to consume you.  You never have to follow or obey your emotions.  You can choose to manage them.  Don’t give all of your power away to your emotions because it is then that they can take over your life.

It is very empowering to accept that where you are right now doesn’t have to be your whole life.  Your perspective can change as long as you don’t allow yourself to continually focus on the “wrong” and focus on what you can change to make it “right.”  Choice is a powerful tool.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Struck by Living Top Ten for Raising Teens – Julie K. Hersh

Recently I saw “Race to Nowhere” a great documentary about the stress kids face in school. I liked the film, although I wanted a “take away” from the film that provided a list of things I might do to reduce stress with my teens. I came up with this list – as always this is not a comprehensive list. I’d love to see ideas from readers about things they do to keep their teens mentally healthy.

 Increase Communication: Try to have dinner together at least three evenings a week. Engage conversation by telling teens about your day and asking them to talk about theirs. Talk about things that are important to them (friends, sports, music, art) not just the academic grill (how did you do on that test? Have you done your homework? How could you get such a bad grade??)

Advise your own children, but live your own life: Teens often do not have the experience, maturity or prefrontal cortex development to understand when they are overloading themselves. Advise them to them look at their time, abilities and help them plan realistically (e.g., 4 AP classes might not be a good idea at the same time s/he is starring in a show).

 On the other hand, try not to live vicariously through your children. It’s great to experience (again), the joy of life with children, but when a child becomes the tool to do the things parent never did (e.g, star of a sports team, be “popular” or star of the school play); the parent feeds his or her own ego and is not nurturing the child. Had an interesting example of this with my son. When he was nine years old, I got calls from a long list of select soccer coaches. They cajoled me (he’s so good!), threatened me (if he doesn’t play select he will never fulfill his potential) and played to my ego (he has enough talent to be a college player – he obviously has your athletic build). My son said – “Mom – I want to play with my friends. Plus I want to play other sports.” I let him do what he wanted. My gut feel was the friendships he would develop through a less competitive team were more important than building creating the next soccer star. This was a tough choice because I had already invested hundreds of hours in his soccer (coached his early teams, hired special coaches, drove him everywhere). I had to step back, and think long term for my child. Coaches want to fill a team for a year or three years tops. You are trying to build a child into adulthood. Keep that goal in mind.

Praise is good, Over praise leads to unrealistic expectations and a hollow win: Kids need to be able to achieve and have their work mean something. When we give a trophy for participating and not winning – we are creating future monsters of expectation and entitlement. A person has to work to win. It is okay to lose, as long a strong effort took place. But kids need to experience losing early and frequently. Failure teaches resilience.

Model life learning: When was the last time your child saw you read a book, newspaper, go to a scientific event or arts event? How can we expect our children to be curious if we aren’t? Do you love your job? Do you talk about the positive things at work at home?

Model good self care: Do you take care of yourself? Get enough sleep? Eat healthfully? Do things you love? Engage healthy discussions with your spouse or significant other in front of your kids? OR Are you the doormat for your family’s and community’s needs? Kids learn more from actions than from words. If you show them how to protect yourself, there’s a better chance they will model that behavior.

Say “NO” or limit school activities that destroy family vacations: I’m still working on this one! My 16 year-old child cut out a week of Christmas vacation because of Varsity soccer. He did not see his 85 year-old grandmother or cousins who he only sees once a year. Was this worth it? No. Will he get a soccer scholarship or be a professional soccer player? Probably not. If family is important – we need to put family first.

Provide a venue for connection with nature and exploration. When I was a kid in suburban VA, I’d explore in the woods, by myself, with friends and fighting the bullies in the neighborhood (I was an adept dirt clod fighter). I formed much of who I am in those explorations. One of my biggest regrets about living Dallas is the lack of exploratory time my kids have. I drive them everywhere, and their time is scheduled. So our family has made an effort to go places on vacation where our kids can have more freedom. Go to a small town where kids can walk or ride a bike to a store by themselves. Go to a national forest and let them do a hike by themselves (with instruction, of course). Give them opportunities to take risks, get lost and recover.

Encourage interaction with positive family members or friends outside your child’s age group. As a parent, sometimes our relationship with teens is hostile. Sometimes a grandparent, an aunt or uncle or a reliable family friend or “cool” but good older teen is better at providing comfort or perspective. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. When children are only exposed to kids in their age group, they get stuck in the landmines of that age group. Someone who has survived the age your child faces might provide better insight on how to handle the situation.

Get out of the house and turn off electronics. Get your kids to go outside – create a pick up basketball or baseball game. Encourage them to get some exercise and face to face interaction with other kids, without direct adult supervision. Brain development is enhanced by exercise and games that require coordination. Exercise also relieves stress.

Let your kids have space, but hold them accountable.  We tell our kids they have plenty of freedom until they screw up, but if they do, the screws tighten. Kids need some freedom figure out who they are. Set boundaries clearly and punishments that fit the crime swiftly. A child in a cage can’t be a creative thinker. A child without consequences learns to be corrupt at an early age. Freedom and accountability is a tough balance, but perhaps the most important one we can strive for as parents.

Recommended Reading:

Spark: The Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain: John Ratey

Distracted: The Erosion of Attention and the Coming Dark Age:  Maggie Jackson

Mindset: Carol Dweck

Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Wendy Mogel

Struck by Living: From Depression to Hope: Julie K Hersh (not about teens)

For more information on Julie K Hersh and Struck by Living, please check out our website: www.struckbyliving.com

Revision 3 – 2/1/11

Recently awarded the Mental Health America Ruth Altschuler Community Advocate Prism Award and selected as one of the 2010 Distinguished Women by Northwood University, Julie Hersh is an outspoken advocate for mental health. “Despite medical advances,” Julie says, “too many people die by suicide because they are afraid to seek help.” Julie’s goal is to provide a living example that mental illness is a manageable disease. Her Struck by Living blog is featured on the Psychology Today website. Julie is also a guest blogger on the Menninger Clinic “Say No to Stigma” website.

Make The Decision To Be Happy

What makes you happy?  For me, I could come up with a hundred different reasons with some being emotional, physical and of course some just being pure natural reasons.  However, one that stands out above the rest is my love of cooking.  Nothing brings me more joy than to throw a big dutch oven on the stove top, throw together ingredients that I have been thinking would match together well and seeing what I can come up with to please my husband, three boys and grandson.  And, once in a while, I like to surprise a girlfriend unexpectedly and  bring a great dish over for her and her family to enjoy as well.  Cooking makes my heart smile.

Now, I am sure you expected me to say my husband, my children, my job, etc. etc.  Of course, my family plays  one of the most important roles in my happiness, but I have learned a great lesson over the years and that is by making room for my pleasurable feelings, hobbies and passions, I allow very valuable experiences in my life.   I came across my love for cooking through a tragic time in my life when I had suddenly and unexpectedly became widowed.  My husband used to do all of the cooking for my boys and I.  I couldn’t boil water properly and almost burnt the apartment down a few times.  During those times of despair I found that cooking was therapeutic for me and lo and behold, after watching several cooking shows and reading lots of cookbooks, I found one of my true passions.  Cooking gave me that release, a reason to think about something other than that pain I was experiencing and it was soothing.  That same year, 9 months after starting, I hosted my first Thanksgiving Dinner and I cooked every single item on the menu.  It was a huge hit.  Some folks love to shop, watch old movies or spend time with a good book.  It makes me happy to cook.  Now, as I stated above, this isn’t the only thing that makes me personally happy.  But as individuals, we have to take time to find little things, just for ourselves, that make us happy and that give us time to focus on being happy.  I cannot stress it enough.  These experiences will carry us through our lives and it teaches our children to do the same.

Being happy is a decision…just that simple.   Making the decision to be happy is all it takes.  Celebrity life coach, and one of my favorite people to listen to for inspiration, Anthony Robbins, says it best..“if you don’t have a plan for pleasure, you will have pain.” In other words, if you do not incorporate the things that make you happy into your life, you will have an end result of pain.   What makes you happy and your inner peace is one big spinning circle.  Finding that inner-peace whether that is through spending time alone with yourself, shopping for a great new pair of shoes, cooking, reading or just watching a movie is a true part of making the decision to be happy.  As Mr. Robbins so eloquently states, “Life was never meant to be a struggle.”  So, if we choose to be happy, we have unlocked the mystery to finding inner-peace.

Here are a few tips to help you along in your journey:

• Just as you allow yourself to feel sad and depressed, you can allow yourself to be joyful, grateful and happy.
• Take control of your emotions and guide them in the direction toward happiness.
• Choose happiness.  Don’t give your choice away to others or frivolous situations.  Do not OWN other people’s issues.
• Love yourself first.
• Smile.  Smiling is contagious and there is always a reason to do so.  Do it everyday.
• Indulge yourself in what you enjoy.
• Listen to music that you love.
• Dance like no one is watching!
• Take time for yourself.  Pay attention to your breathing, your posture, etc.  It makes a huge difference in how you feel.
• LAUGH A LOT, LAUGH LOUDLY AND LAUGH OFTEN.  Laughter is good for the soul.

Right now, a beautiful song comes to mind…..”Don’t Worry..BE HAPPY!”

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Protecting The Stepmother’s Mental Health

There are over 19 million people walking around depressed today, in America.  A large number of those depressed 19 million people are  mothers.  Many experts and society as a whole, acknowledge the fact that moms are the glue that holds the family together, and are often overworked and overextended. As a matter of fact, they sell t-shirts with a quote that says, “If mama ain’t happy, then nobody’s happy.” Television experts like Dr. Phil and Supernanny, Jo Frost, often encourage moms to take some time for themselves, learn to say NO (without guilt) and not feel bad for occasionally having feelings of dislike toward their children. They express that it’s just the resentment of being pulled in so many different directions that causes those types of feelings, and as a mom you need to set some boundaries in order to have balance. We’ve all heard this before, right moms?

That being said, as I stated in my Super Stepmom Syndrome article, what we don’t see a lot of is the same support for stepmothers. Historically, stepmothers have just been expected to accept any and everything because they chose to marry a man with children, and therefore chose to marry his kids and his ex-wife. It’s something that they shouldn’t complain about and realize that it’s not about them, but the kids who are torn apart by divorce.  We’ve all heard this before, right stepmoms? My question is then why shouldn’t mom be expected to just suck it up? After all, she chose to have children in the first place and it’s supposed to be about the kids, right? Why does she get to complain and then receive sympathy with kids that she chose to create, but stepmom has to just suck it up with kids who are not her own?

According to Linda Nielsen, a professor of psychology and women’s studies at Wake Forest University, stepmothers feel more stress than stepfathers and are overall the most stressed member of the stepfamily. In her research she indicates that 4 factors contribute to this stress: (1) our society’s attitudes about step/mothers and motherhood; (2) the mother’s and stepmother’s personalities, attitudes and circumstances; (3) the father’s attitudes and his relationship with the mother; and (4) the stepchildren’s gender and mental health.

As I stated above, stepmothers are expected to just accept everything without expressing themselves and are often told that they are evil and wicked if they do lose a grip every now and then. They are often battling an intrusive ex-wife as research indicates that ex-wives remain bitter for longer (years after) the divorce and are in fact the most intrusive. Their husband is still dealing with his guilt over the divorce and is often times an overcompensating, disney land dad and refuses to set healthy boundaries for his children and/or his ex-wife. Finally, age and gender definitely play a role in the step-parent/stepchild relationships in the stepfamily. For example, studies show that the stepmother/stepdaughter relationship is the most problematic relationship in the stepfamily, and can contribute to the dissolution of the remarriage and family if not handled properly.

All of the above mentioned and more, as you can imagine, creates a significant amount of stress for the stepmother and has enormous potential to send them to a downward spiral of depression. Being expected to please everyone without being able to express how you feel is an unrealistic and totally unfair expectation to place on ANYONE! Stepmothers need to have their role acknowledged and supported if we are to work at decreasing the alarming rate of second divorces in America. She can’t be expected to walk on eggshells, especially in her own home, just to pacify everyone else.  It will only leave her feeling totally isolated, resentful and depressed, just like those mothers that I mentioned above. The stepmother needs support, too; support from her husband; support from her friends and family and support from society as a whole!

I realize that everyone in the stepfamily has their challenges and own crosses to bear; however, the stepmother receives less support and understanding than ANYONE in the stepfamily and that just has to change.  Everyone else is allowed to act out and freely express themselves without judgment, because society has more sympathy for them, and historically, stepmoms have been deemed as wicked. We sympathize with dad because he doesn’t get to see his children as often. We sympathize with the kids because they’ve just experienced the loss of their family. We sympathize with ex-wife because she is just trying to “protect” her children.  We then we dump all of those emotions, responsibility and aftermath of a divorce that she didn’t create, mind you, on the stepmother and say, “now you deal with it and you better do it all with a smile. There’s no wonder that so many stepmoms are reaching for antidepressants and anxiety medication. And we wonder why so many are just angry all the time.

Hopefully, with stepmoms like Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster, and myself included,  speaking out and encouraging other stepmothers to do the same, things will slowly but surely begin to change. Stepmothers should feel free to say NO, just as we encourage mothers to do, without guilt or fear of being labeled as wicked. It must be understood that these women feel overwhelmed as well. It must be understood that unrealistic demands should not be placed on them. It must be understood, by husbands, that they need YOU to step up and be the partner that they married. It must be understood that these are women with feelings, and although they may not have directly experienced the divorce with you, they often times have to deal with the aftermath, and they need some support and understanding, too! They deserve to have a voice and a right to be heard in the stepfamily.

Stepmothers, I am once again encouraging you to aim for balance in your stepfamily life. You do not have to be everything to everyone, heal everyone’s pain and/or be everyone’s punching bag in order to be a good stepmother. You shouldn’t be expected or allow yourself to sacrifice your own mental health for the sake of everyone else’s. Below are ways in which you can protect your sanity and still be a good stepmother.

1. Learn to say NO! If it’s your husband’s weekend to have his kids, but you both know he’s going to be at work all weekend, it’s okay to express that you need a break and would like for your husband to choose another weekend. His ex-wife should understand that the primary reason for establishing visitation is so that they kids can spend time with their dad and not you. You are not bound by the visitation order, so if you need a moment, request it and then take it – WITHOUT GUILT!
2. Create a co-parenting plan with your husband regarding household rules and consequences, which you both agree on, and then stick to it. Children shouldn’t be allowed to use the divorce as a lifelong crutch. Allowing them to avoid rules and responsibility because YOU feel guilty as a parent is not parenting and only creates more problems for the child and the stepfamily.  Co-parenting plans help avoid conflict with the kids and your husband regarding discipline, and help you and your spouse create and present a more unified front. It also helps to re-create some normalcy in their lives again.
3. Constantly work on building and maintaining couple strength. Schedule date nights with your husband. Marriage is work and you have to work hard at remaining connected, especially in the stepfamily. During these times, make it a rule that you will not discuss ex-spouses, kids, stepkids or drama. Date night is a DRAMA FREE ZONE!
4. Learn to let some things go. Remember that you don’t have to be involved in every single aspect of your stepchildren’s lives.  For example, it’s okay to let mom and dad attend the parent teacher conference. It really isn’t necessary for you to be there. Instead of seeing it as some sort of slap in the face because you help with homework, too, use this time to either have some alone time with your own children or get your nails done, if you don’t have any children of your own.
5. Accept the fact that you don’t need to be perfect. You’ll be surprised at how relieved you feel when you have more realistic expectations of yourself than what is imposed on you by public opinion.
6. Realize and accept that you WILL NOT BE ABLE TO PLEASE EVERYONE! Your primary focus should be on your immediate family. No matter what some say, you did not marry your husband, his kids AND his ex-wife, and suggesting this is only implying that it is your job to keep them ALL happy – NOT. You married your husband and you are the ones who have to build a solid team in order to raise your children and live happily ever after. If ex-wife doesn’t like it – TOUGH. There are two people in our marriage, not three or four. I’ve never seen a husband, wife and ex-wife rocking on their front porch when they are 80 years old. Ex-spouses are co-parenting partners, but they are not and shouldn’t be allowed to be participants in your marriage.
7. Finally, if you feel you are depressed seek the help of a medical doctor and then call a stepfamily counselor to help get you back on track to getting some balance back in your life again. It’s okay to ask for help!

My mother always told me that how you start out in any relationship is often times how you’ll end up. If you allow someone to walk all over you from the very beginning then that will be their expectation of you. She has always encouraged me to set my own boundaries and expectations of myself and others. So stepmothers, don’t start off allowing your husband, his kids or the ex-wife to think that you are going to be their punching bag. Setting boundaries for yourself and others is not wicked. As a matter of fact, it’s encouraged and expected in order for everyone to have some sort of peace of mind. And if an ex-wife or a husband has a problem with it, they are the ones who need to be examined, not you! The stepfamily can work and thrive, but the adults have to first have the same goal and be supported in their roles, even the stepmother.

Live Happy iPhone App

Sonja Lyubomirsky, professor of psychology at UC Riverside and author of the book “The How of Happiness,” has teamed up with Signal Patterns, developers of psychology-based Web and mobile applications, to create the new “Live Happy” iPhone application.

This application is the first of its’ kind and will guide users through a set of daily activities to boost short and long-term happiness, including:

• Goal setting/evaluating/tracking
• Expressing gratitude directly
• Keeping a gratitude journal
• Replaying happy days
• Keeping a savoring photo album
• Envisioning your best possible self
• Nurturing relationships
• Remembering acts of kindness

Prompts in the application will also allow users to measure their happiness on a regular basis, and will help identify which happiness strategies are right for them.

The application builds on traditional happiness programs that previously had been only found in books. With the iPhone’s capabilities to e-mail and text message, write notes, and take photos, the “Live Happy” app provides a comprehensive program that engages users on an interactive platform whenever and wherever they go.

I am so excited about this application as many stepfamily members CHOOSE to get stuck by dwelling on their negative pasts instead of moving forward. Lyubomirsky’s research suggests that happiness is a choice and this new app is a perfect way to get people to make a deliberate effort to choose happiness.

The app is available on the Apple App Store for the iPhone and the iPod Touch. A free version, which supports a limited number of activities, is also available for download. The paid version includes unlimited activities and the “Ask Sonja” feature that allows people to send questions to Lyubomirsky.

Sonja Lyubomirsky

Lyubomirsky has extensively studied and written about the psychology of enduring emotions – specifically, happiness and depression. She explores how exceptionally happy people view themselves and their worlds, and how that enables them to stay upbeat and, most important, how less happy individuals can learn such happiness-enhancing habits.

This story was first published here.