How Choice Plays A Vital Role In Our Relationships

In my coaching practice, I come across clients all of the time that are in conflict and need help with their blended family issues.  Most of the time, their frustrations simply come from the choices that they are deciding to make or not to make which end up causing most of the hardship in their relationships.  For example, in remarriage, the biggest problem I come across with my clients is the issue of discipline.  9 times out of 10 the clients cannot agree, and they refuse to agree to disagree on this issue.   Resentment builds in one or both parties, the issue continues to be swept under the rug and by choosing to not to get on the same page, they are ultimately making a choice that may end up ruining or eventually ending their marriage.

Let’s talk about why choice plays such an important role in our relationships.  We have to understand that as life partners we always have a choice in how we live in our relationships.  With that, we may not always like our choices but part of being life partners is knowing that as we make these unavoidable choices we open certain other possibilities and we close the door on others.  For example, if we make the choice to allow our children or stepchildren to run the household, disrespect our spouse and never come to an agreement on the rules and what behaviors will and will not be tolerated in our household, then we close the door to trust and communication with our spouse.  We have to choose to handle these situations not just to ensure that our relationships stay sound but to help our children as well.

I once read that choice follows awareness.  Teaching our children this is so important.  The most effective way to teach them this is by example.  Every time we make a choice for our families as a couple, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  When we hold that we choose what happens in our relationships it is only then that we take full ownership over them.

TMF Readers, remember, marriage is a marathon not a sprint.  In our relationships and through our family issues, when you find yourself not seeing the difference between your choices and you are finding it easy to make your spouse “wrong” instead of holding yourself to the fact that you made a choice too,  your relationship will suffer.  Realizing that our individual choices play a role as well in our issues is key.  Take time to communicate to your spouse the choices you two are making individually and as a couple which affect your relationship.  Having this awareness will give you power and you will avoid taking the easy way out but will make room for more open communication and togetherness.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

Hollywood = Splitsville?

There’s no hiding the fact that it seems like every time we  turn around we are hearing about another Hollywood couple splitting.  Unfortunately, in late 2011, we heard about the break up of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.  This was particularly a disappointment for me because I found them to be one of of the coolest “blended family” marriages out there.  I loved they way they were able to incorporate such a great co-parenting relationship with Bruce Willis.  I’m sure you all have heard the rumors but supposedly, Demi and Ashton’s ”open marriage” arrangement ended up going sour.

Now, this week, we hear that it is splitsville for Russell Brand and Katy Perry.  When I initially heard this, my first response was “Darn it!”  I happen to adore this couple.  However, according to Mail Online, sources close to the couple have said the couple are splitting due to Katy’s desire to put her career before having children.  Being this is a personal choice, I will say I will remain mum on the subject because, at least, they didn’t have children and then decided to divorce.

As I like to say, choice, especially in our relationships is one of the key components to making any relationship last.  If we cannot see the difference between our choices, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  Unfortunately, in these two marriages, in my opinion, the stress of Hollywood made for some choices that weren’t too cohesive to their marital units.

Have a great 2012!

Diane

Happy New Year – 2012!

TMF Readers, Kela and I want to thank you for being such loyal readers throughout the past year and most importantly, we want to wish you and your families all of the peace, joy and goodwill that your hearts desire.  May your New Year be the best year yet for you and it is our hope that you will continue to come to our site and enjoy what is upon our hearts to share with each and every one of you.  Kela and I have had a tremendous year filled with our share of mishaps but the joy certainly outweighed the bad and we are better women, mothers, sibilings, parents, step-parents and spouses for it.

In the coming year, we are hoping to give you more.  Kela is diligently working on the fabulous Joyful Mind Project and you readers will be absolutely amazed.  Kela and I will continue to keep Todays Modern Family your “go to” place for advice and great articles on the sensitive issues facing blended families today.

As 2011 closes, both Kela and I want to thank our readers for their continued support.   In closing, as Edith Lovejoy Pierce once quoted….”We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

Peace & Blessings for a Wonderful New Year!

Diane and Kela

Simplifying the Holidays-Part II

Is there anything simple about the holidays?  For most of us, the holidays provide us with some of our most precious memories but along with that also some very stressful moments.  With that being said, I wanted to talk about stress, shortcuts and finally relief so that you can do exactly what you want this season and that is make those memories and simplify, simplify, simplify!

Let’s talk about some shortcuts that will lead us to that ever important relief.   One thing that really begins my stress is right after Thanksgiving, I am thinking about my Christmas card list.

Shortcut:  E-Cards.  Sending e-cards is an easy alternative to the stress of getting a holiday picture, writing out cards and not to mention the expense of mailing same.  Sending e-cards may not be as personal as some may like, but it is definitely less stressful and, in my opinion, that is reason enough to use this shortcut.  In fact, during this economic downturn, I am noticing more and more folks are using e-cards, including many businesses.

Another thing to take into consideration during the holidays is remembering not to do too much.  Moderation is the key word.  Try not to overdo your schedule.  Don’t pack too much into your day.

Shortcut:  To Do List.  Too much of a good thing, whether it be the holidays or not, is not too good for you.  Drafting a “to-do list” and sticking to it will help you navigate your priorities during the season.   Incorporating the “to-do” list will relieve you from the feeling stressed and instead leave you feeling like you accomplished exactly what you set out to do.

As we all know, the holidays can become very commercialized.  The holiday season is meant to bring togetherness and love and sometimes we tend to forget how important it is not to focus on just what we “receive or give” but to remember why we are really celebrating.  Don’t overspend.  The price tag isn’t important.  What is important is how we create our memories.

Shortcut:  Set a Spending Limit.  This year, we decided to set and stick to a spending limit.  Obviously, your limit is entirely up to your individual financial situation.  Another great shortcut in this area is to give out homemade gifts.  I, myself, do this every year.  I change the recipients each year but for me, it feels extra-special to do something personal for someone.

Believe it or not, due to incorporating these shortcuts, I am pretty much done with all of my Christmas shopping and it’s not even Thanksgiving.  Granted, this took a lot of organization on my part this year, but instead of stressing all the way into the month of December, I wanted to make sure I was ahead of the game so that I could enjoy a stress-free season.

I hope that all of you will incorporate these stress relievers so that you can get outside, enjoy the season and all that it includes.  Get to the real fun and that is making memories with your children, decorating, baking and loving the holidays!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Simplifying The Holidays-Part I

The holiday season is my favorite time of the year.  However, trying to organize can be an uphill battle.  This year, I have decided to post a series called Simplifying the Holidays with this post being Part I.   Today, shopping has been heavy on my mind — well, it’s always on my mind, but holiday shopping is different.  As I was perusing one my very favorite websites www.mymerrychristmas.com, I came across a fabulous blog post by B. Francis Morlan on the subject of Black Friday where she gives 5 very good reasons why us saavy shoppers should avoid it.  I was amazed!  Yes, TMF Readers, in the past, I have been part of the thousands that hit the stores as early as 3:00 a.m. waiting in line for a good deal on the day after Thanksgiving.  However, after reading these five tips, I may just decide to forego this year and get my highly underrated sleep in!  I hope you enjoy the article as much as I did. 

To the savvy shopper we advise: stop. Sleep in. Forget about the so-called big deals.

Here are five reasons to avoid Black Friday:

1. The Big Deals Aren’t That Big a Deal – A 36-inch flat screen television for $300 might see like a mighty tempting deal. So too that $200 laptop. The deals even might seem crazy enough to cause you to camp out on concrete for 24-hours or more in sub-zero weather. Don’t buy into it. A cheap laptop is just that – cheap. Chances are it won’t last until next Thanksgiving. And if you’re going to make a purchase for a major appliance chances are you’ll find a better deal on what you really want in October, especially in electronics. That is when merchants want to really clear the shelves to make room for holiday merchandise.

2. Biggest Bait-n-Switch Day of the Year – Every ad is going to say “limited to quantities on hand”. Often, especially for the more attractively priced stuff, those quantities are very limited. 50 laptops for a line of 1000 people are not going to last long. Retailers love getting people in with a low price – and then showing them alternatives after selling out on the hot stuff within minutes. With crowds anxious for a deal the percentages are in their favor that a shopper looking for a bargain – any bargain – in the competitive rush of early morning shopping is going to drop money on something they didn’t intend to buy.

3. Great Price, No Rain Checks – For many retailers standing in that line in the near-winter weather means nothing. Yes, they’ve got great prices advertised. But once they are out they are out – and unlike ordinary everyday sales Black Friday sales offer no guarantee, no overstock and no rain checks.

4. Better Deals Online – Start shopping online the Monday before Thanksgiving. Online retailers want to cash in on Black Friday too and they work a lot harder during Thanksgiving week to get your attention and your money. Amazon in particular has refined the art of getting folks to stay in their jammies to shop – at all hours, too. And there’s no shoving online.

5. Holiday Return Policies Kick In – just as the deals on Black Friday are an exception so too are the holiday return policies. Some retailers will only let you return product at the sale price – regardless of whether or not you have a receipt. Others are charging now a “re-stocking fee”. Investigate the return policy before you spend – by law they have to post it.

The best way to avoid Black Friday is to do your shopping well in advance of the holiday shopping season. The deals are exceptional from just before Labor Day to Halloween. Retailers are clearing out early year models and marking down to drive sales traffic. They have to. Mid-September to mid-November is one of the weakest shopping periods of the year. And there are deals aplenty.

Black Friday is festive event, sure enough, and for many just spending time with family and friends amongst the chaos is fun in and of itself. And if that’s your thing, great – just leave the wallet and especially the credit cards at home.

Personal Reflections for a Joyful Mind

With the holidays fast approaching, I, like many of you readers, end up doing a lot of self-reflection of not just the past year that flew by, but about what I want to do differently next year, what I want to change about myself and remembering those special people that have gone from us too soon.

As I have stated many times, by the time I was 31, I was widowed with 3 children.  I had lost my husband, older brother and grandfather all within a two year period.  Of course, that was over 12 years ago now, but in my reflections, I have come realize how far I have actually come in my life since that stressful time.  I am writing this post with The Joyful Mind Project on my heart with hopes to maybe spark some of you readers who may also be reflecting in your own way.  Maybe you suffer from anxiety as I did after my experiences, maybe you suffer from depression or maybe you just are overworked and overwhelmed and you feel like your world is crashing around you.  In my experience, getting through and getting to the point of reflection came first by way of acceptance.  Just plain and simply accepting life as it is.  Going thru this process can be nothing less than devastating but it is reality.

Accepting life right where you are, all of the bad, the ugly and the good is essential.  It’s really about deciding to “surrender” what you “think” your life is or should be at that moment and choosing to accept and change.  It has been written that…..”Life is not the way it’s supposed to be.  It is the way it is.  The way you cope with it is what makes the difference.”   The way we cope.  What a powerful statement.  Of course, the way we each individually cope is always going to be different, but for me, it took a good long time.  I had a catch phrase that I told myself often and it was this…”If you can cope, you have hope.”  Cliche, I know but it worked for me.

Once you begin to accept that you are right where you are supposed to be at this moment, your whole perspective will begin to change.  You will decide at that moment to devise a different relationship with the problem at hand.  I tell my coaching clients all of the time that if they focus only on what is wrong with their blended family then that will be their reality because at that point, they aren’t “choosing” to fix the problem.  Their words have not become impeccable.  They haven’t gotten to acceptance yet.  Accept there is a problem, get help and do your best to fix it.  See the problem differently instead of letting it debilitate you.

TMF Readers, when you are going thru acceptance, remember to not allow your emotions to consume you.  You never have to follow or obey your emotions.  You can choose to manage them.  Don’t give all of your power away to your emotions because it is then that they can take over your life.

It is very empowering to accept that where you are right now doesn’t have to be your whole life.  Your perspective can change as long as you don’t allow yourself to continually focus on the “wrong” and focus on what you can change to make it “right.”  Choice is a powerful tool.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Diane’s Easy & Scrumptious Pumpkin Pie

TMF Readers, with the holidays quickly approaching, I wanted to give you a few really quick recipes that will make your life in the kitchen so much easier. 

One of my great childhood memories is that of a good piece of pumpkin pie.  Needless to say, I have been indulging already by getting a jump start on my baking.  Below is my fool-proof pumpkin pie recipe.  It is lovely, quick and yummy.  Enjoy!

Ingredients:

1 frozen pie shell (or you can make your own crust if you dare venture)
1 – 16 oz can of pureed pumpkin
1 – 14 oz can of sweet & condensed milk
(you can also use evaporated milk plus 1 cup of sugar if you don’t want to use sweet & condensed milk, but I like my pie more luscious)
2 eggs
1 teaspoon of pumpkin pie spice (or, you can substitute with 1/4 teaspoon of ground cloves, 1/2 teaspoon of nutmeg, 1/2 teaspoon of ginger and 1 teaspoon of ground cinnamon).

Directions:

Preheat oven to 425 degrees.  Beat eggs, add pumpkin, sweet & condensed milk and spices and beat until smooth.  Pour batter into pie shell and bake at 425 degrees for 15 minutes.  Reduce the heat down to 350 degrees and cook for an additional 35-40 minutes.  Allow to completely cool on a baking rack and serve with whipped cream. 

Happy Holidays!

Terrible Couple — Amazing Co-Parents?

We all know the statistics.  Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and more than 60% of all remarriages do the same.  We all assume our marriages start off on the right foot then over time, for whatever reason, the issues consume us and eventually sink our marriages.  Further, most couples end up in divorce court because they wait until it is too late to get the help they need in order to save it.  The feelings of resentment creep in and the couple becomes detached from one another. Unfortunately, during this time, the silent partners in the relationship, the children, suffer the most.  With that being said, there still is hope.  I know many divorced couples that are able to put their pe rsonal feelings and resentments aside for the betterment of their children and have become amazing co-parents.

When talking to my clients who are experiencing co-parent issues, the first piece of advice I like to give them is that they need to look at their situation through the eyes and perspective of their children.  Children look to their parents for their stability and support both physically and emotionally.  If you two are a mess, they will be more than a mess.  You can be great co-parents as long as you develop a good business relationship aside from your divorce.  That seems odd for most people to hear.  A business relationship?  Yes, raising healthy and stable children is meticulous.  Remember, your past marriage and your current parenting take different skill sets.  Therefore, after divorce, your feelings about your marriage need to be put aside.  Like in business, in healthy and effective co-parenting, there has to be strong commitment.  Most of you will say, ”well that’s easy….they’re my children, of course I will be committed.”  Well, I am here to tell you that when divorce is fresh, new and you are still hurting, a lot of times, that commitment to healthy co-parenting is the last thing on some folks’ mind.  I find it amazing that when a couple is married they agree on how they are going to parent their children ”together” but when divorce creeps in, they ultimately decide that must change and their parenting has to become a battle.  Seriously TMF readers, I have seen it on many occasions and most parents are in denial about it.  I’ll give you the following examples of same:

• Ignoring phone calls or messages when the child is in your custody.
• Common courtesy calls no longer exist (i.e., when the child is sick in your custody, you don’t inform the other parent).
• Disparagement of the other parent occurs when the children are present.
• Notice is not given about parent/teacher conferences or events until the last minute and the other parent is not able to attend or is not notified at all.
• Use your children to relay messages to the other parent.
• Discipline that one parent instituted is disregarded when the child is in your possession.

Friends, there is no rule that states that after divorce you can’t get along with your ex spouse, especially in order to co-parent your children.  Being able to co-parent effectively lessens the chance that your children will be caught in the cross-fire because of unresolved issues.  This is where I say your co-parenting relationship has to become a business relationship.  The children you created together deserve to watch you and learn and have stability.  If parents are able to realize that it’s okay to see past their own feelings in order to accomplish this for their children, they will be on their way to becoming amazing co-parents.  Remember, you  both have things to teach your children and you have to “love” your children more than you “hate or dislike” each other during the process.  Here are a few tips to get you on your way:

• Back one another up on decisions.  If your ex has disciplined your child and your weekend or Spring break has come up, stick with the instituted discipline.  If you falter on this issue, your children will always know they can play two ends to the middle.
• Major decisions regarding your children should always be made by both parents.
• Respect, respect, respect.  DEMAND IT for both parents.
• Communication is critical.
• Our children’s feelings come first before ours.
• Don’t sweat the small stuff.  You and your ex are different.  Neither of you may not always understand the others reasoning for things.  Try not to sweat the small stuff.  Most of the time, it’s not worth an argument.
• No parent-playing allowed.  Children are good at getting one parent or the other to “side” with them.  Communication is key with this issue.  Parents have to talk.  All children play their parents from time-to-time and when they are teens, it usually gets worse.  Your children should know that you trust the parenting skills of the other parent at all times.  This alleviates this issue 90% of the time.
• Keep the grown up issues between the two grown ups.  Speaking in an ill manner in front of your children will only create insecure children.  Don’t disparage.  It’s not worth the damage it causes.  Remember, your children are part of the other parent just as they are a part of you.  When you disparage, they take that as an insult to them, whether they show it or not.  They love both of you.
• Encourage each other.  Yes, not only is it possible, it is healthy for your children.  When the both of you are trying hard to co-parent effectively, appreciate one anothers efforts.

TMF readers, your children are watching you.  I cannot stress this enough.  Keeping your focus on your children after divorce sometimes means you have to be the bigger person when conflict arises.  By being able to co-parent effectively, you are not just showing your children that their mental, physical and emotional health means the world to you but you are teaching them how to handle conflict themselves which will serve them well in the future.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Cosigners…or….True Friends?

The old saying goes like this….”A friend in need is a friend indeed.”  For a long time, I always thought that the meaning of true friendship was (1) someone who stands by your side no matter what, (2) someone who hurts when you hurt and (3) someone that tells you exactly what you want to hear when you need to hear it.

Well, in my more mature years, I have come to know that numbers 1 and 2 above are absolutely correct, but number 3 is more than a half truth.  As friends, especially as women, we need true friends and true friends are not what Kela and I call co-signers.  For example, there have been many times that I have needed advice and thought I was absolutely in the right in my thinking, in my feelings, my actions and my reactions.  Albeit, I may be one of the luckiest women in the world to have a friend like Kela that will not just tell me the truth, she will downright tell me when I am in the wrong.  Many times, I have had to be put in check and yes, it is hard to hear constructive criticism and it was far from what I really wanted to hear at the time, but was absolutely needed in order to move forward and in order to progress personally and professionally.  With these lessons, Kela has made me a better friend to her and to others.

Ladies, we need each other.  There are just things that our husbands don’t understand and our kids shouldn’t be privy to.  There are times when we need a good listening ear of a girlfriend.  However, that listening ear needs to be level for our own well-being.  As friends, we need to be comfortable in our skin to tell one another the whole truth and nothing but the truth without feeling the need to cosign.  Cosigning is not healthy for either party.  In fact, it accomplishes nothing but short term gratification and the end result usually backfires on you.

TMF Readers, true friends see you from the inside out.  They are by your side when we are not at our best.  A true friend stands by you even when you take a stance on something they might not think will work because they believe in your ideas.  They let you make your own mistakes so you can personally learn the lesson without them having to say “I told you so.”  A true friend loves you for who you are, not what you can do for them.  They stand beside you, they work with you.  A true friend knows all of the good about you and all of the not so good but could care less.

A true friend never cosigns for the simple reason of making you feel better, they give you the truth and leave their opinions aside because they know that their opinion may be biased toward you.

True friends are difficult to find, hard to leave and impossible to forget and I am truly blessed to have you Kela.  Thank you for allowing me to ride along on this journey with you.  Thank you for believing in my ability as a coach and as your friend.  I only hope that one day I can help you as much as you have helped me to be a better person.

Diane

Autumn – The Time for Harvest

“Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.” ~George Eliot

The above quote describes the way I feel about Autumn precisely.  If I could live in a perfect world it would be Autumn all year long.  During the time that Fall is marking the transition between summer into winter, my mind immediately takes me to the comfort of warm stews, crockpot slow cooking, crisp weather and walks in the park with crunchy leaves under my feet.  It takes me to the roads that travel the little country towns outside of my city and nestling in my own imagination what life was like in my grandparents generation during this time of year.  It’s about sitting at my son’s outdoor soccer games wrapped up in my blanket with my hot chocolate in one hand and cheering him on with the other.  Needless to say, Autumn is my favorite time of the year.  I am not sure why this season is so relevant for me to reminisce about my growing up, etc., but it really is a feel-good season for me.

As I mentioned above, a big part of my joy during this time of year is my love for cooking.  With that, in this post, I wanted to share with our readers one of my favorite Autumn/Fall recipes.  I hope you try it and enjoy!  Feel free to swing back to me and let me know how it worked for you.

Diane’s Smoked Sausage & Cabbage Stew

Ingredients:

1 head of green cabbage
6  potatoes peeled and quartered
1 small onion
2 packages smoked sausage
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1 tablespoon of margarine or butter
1-1/2 cup water
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon pepper

Dice or slice sausage in quarter inch pieces and place  in a pot.  Cover with water and add garlic, salt and pepper.  Simmer on medium heat until cooked through.  Remove sausage and set to side.  Keep water in the pot and set to the side.  Cut up cabbage and potatoes and add to water along with margarine or butter.  Place sausage back on top and cover until cabbage and potatoes are fork tender.  Serves 4.

Enjoy!

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