(Step)Martyrs Are Not Lovable!

This story was first published by Peggy Nolan, Founder of The Stepmom’s Toolbox,

Sometimes I think if I see one more stepmom write:

“but I do everything for them! I cook, I clean, I chauffeur, I help with homework, I clean up their mess, I wipe their snot, and I work full time! I do it all and my (step)children turn their nose at me. They don’t respect me! They don’t appreciate me! And they never say ‘thank you!’”

I’m going to respond, “Of course they don’t!”

Why? Because you’re nothing more than an unending supply of give, give, give so they can take, take, take!

Your cause of giving produces a like effect of taking. There’s a payoff for both the taker (they get their every whim catered to) and the giver (you get to moan, groan, and complain ad nauseum about all that you do for a head tilt, a nod, and a little tea and sympathy).

In Winning Love, Wallace D. Wattles states, “you do NOT make people love you by the number of things you do for them. If they love you, it will be for what you ARE.” Stepmartyrs (and martyrs in general) “overdo the matter of service” and without fail “receive the contempt” of their step-children and in many cases, their husbands.

Stepmartyrs are not true, authentic people. You want to be liked, loved, and appreciated but you go about it in a tried but misguided fashion. Instead of being YOU, you pretend to be someone you think everyone else expects you to be. You deny who YOU really are. You stifle your authentic and glorious self. You make the mistake of “sacrificing yourself for others.”

What if, instead of sacrificing yourself, you made the MOST of yourself for others? Maybe your answer depends on another question: Do you want others to pity you or love you?

Wallace asserts that “If you wish to be loved, you must live your own life. And the more full and complete the life, the more love you will win.” When you grow you, when you become a better you, you inevitably become more loveable…and that’s what you really desire…to be loveable.

Are you ready to start living your own life and make the most of YOU?

What three Stepmartyr things can you give up in the next 30 days?

What three things can you develop in the next 30 days that will help you become a better you?

Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment

I subscribe to the Daily Babble newsletter and this week the very first article immediately caught my attention.  Teaching Kids About Disappointment was the title of the article; written by Harlyn Aizley, author of Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Mothers Tell All. The subtitle to this article was Why Are We So Afraid To Tell Children That Life’s Not Fair?

Harlyn’s article was about five year olds being disappointed at a birthday party, but it was the grander message that I found really thought provoking. Afterward, I pondered on the very question that she raised in her article; why the hell are we so afraid to tell our children that life sometimes isn’t fair?

As an ex and a stepmom I am well aware that life hasn’t always seemed fair for our children. The families, as they knew them, dissolved right before their very eyes. My son’s father lives out of the country for ten months of every year, which means he doesn’t get to see him very often.  He and my stepson are only 3 months apart and went from being only children, with the attention all on them, to having to share the attention with the other and with us. When my husband and I got together, they were barely 4 years old and I can totally see how life seemed unfair to them then and even now. After all, dad isn’t always able to be at school plays or basketball games because one (my ex) lives out of the country and my stepson’s dad (my husband) doesn’t live in state with him. However, from day one, I have been an advocate of empowering my son to accept change and define happiness or “normal” for himself. It is the reason that my ex and I have never attempted to alter my son’s reality. Dad is in Spain because that’s where his job is and mom lives in the states. I wasn’t going to move to Spain so that he could be closer to him. We don’t vacation together for his benefit (not knocking those who do, by the way) and we live our lives separately because we are no longer together.  Instead of altering my son’s reality I was successful in getting him to embrace this change and then define his new normal. I told him that yes dad works out of the country and you don’t get to see him very often, but that just means when you do see him it will be that much more rewarding. Instead of encouraging him to be angry about sharing me with two other people, I told him that he would now have a best buddy, whom he had a lot in common with, to create special memories with. Additionally, he would have a full time father figure to do things with that mom is no good at, like playing baseball or Yu-Gi Oh. Over time, he began to see my point and now, his modern family is normal to him and he’s very happy with it!

That being said, I never encouraged my son to suppress his feelings. I acknowledged his angry, hurt, sad, and confused feelings. I told him that he was absolutely justified in feeling the way that he did; however, I have never allowed him to use his circumstances as a crutch. Life sometimes sucks is what I told him, but you have to make the best out of whatever cards you are dealt. This is the way things are now and they are never going to be the way they were, so how do we move forward with what we have?

His life over the past 10 years has afforded him some life long lessons that he will take with him when he becomes an adult. The truth is, is that life isn’t always fair and nobody is going to twist and bend like a pretzel to make sure you are never disappointed. Life is full of disappointments! Additionally, you have to learn to move forward and choose to be happy instead of angry or victimized. Giving into that anger is what permanently scars you; not the disappointments themselves. It has also taught him that he is in charge of his happiness; not his dads, his moms, his siblings or anyone else. Finally, it has encouraged him to accept and embrace change because although it’s uncertain, it doesn’t mean that it won’t be worth it.

I realize that what I’m saying is easier said than done, believe me I do. As a mom who always wants to protect her cubs, there have been times when I have wanted to give my son whatever he wants just so that he doesn’t have to feel pain, hurt or disappointment. But then I realized that doing so means that he will never be equipped to handle the real world and all the real life challenges that it brings.  Allowing our children to appropriately deal with and accept disappointment teaches them to live in this world and not some world that is designed specifically for them.

Single Moms: Bloom Where You Are Planted!

Today, I was inspired by a young, 20-something single-mom who happens to be a close family friend.  She shared with me some of her recent struggles and her story was so reminiscent of my 20-year old single mother days that I had to put my thoughts down for all the single mothers out there who are struggling everyday; those who are also gifted with life experiences that today seem hard, but will one day be looked at as just one part of an amazing journey.

My advice is simple ladies:  Bloom where you are planted!

I spent essentially 15 years being a single mother in between the birth of my 3 children, a marriage and then being widowed.  During that time there were struggles, challenges and difficult conditions.  After lots of stress and struggle, I came to the realization that I could choose to still live an abundant life. It became empowering to know that I could put my energies toward the things and people who are most important to me instead focusing on or giving my power away to those struggles.  I wasn’t going to let them get the best of me.  And, single moms, trust me, I went through some stuff that could have easily wiped me out as a young woman and as a parent.

After a while, it took acceptance in order to appreciate that I could be just as successful in my personal and private life as a single mother as any married woman with children could.  The first lesson I had to learn was that of balance.  Life’s demands can make a person go crazy, add in single parenthood and you could, at times, feel like you have molotov cocktail on your hands.  Let’s be real.  Your day starts by getting up at the crack of dawn to get the kids fed and ready for daycare or school; you go to work all day and deal with crap there, only to come home and work another 8 hours handling everything on your own.  Add in attending school functions, the stress of being the sole provider, spending quality time with your children and all else that comes with running a household, which often times means robbing Peter to pay Paul.  Yes, married mothers go through some of these same struggles, but it is when you know that you do not have anyone else to fall back on that those mole hills feel like they are turning into huge mountains for you to climb.

However, with maturity comes acceptance and with acceptance comes growth.  Single mothers, the most important thing you can do to maintain your growth is to nurture yourself.  What do I mean above when I say, “Bloom Where Your Planted?”  I mean, find your strengths, accept your weaknesses and then grow.  The first step is to figure out what makes you happy in your own personal life.  Not in the life you lead with your children, but what makes you personally happy as an individual.  An example can be going back to school, indulging yourself in a specific hobby, focusing on your spiritual side.  Second, don’t be so hard on yourself.   Any decisions you have made that may not have totally been in your best interest at the time, you can use as learning tools.  We only learn to grow through making mistakes.  Third, be open for development.  Find a way to work in that extra class (i.e., online training, etc.) to advance yourself.  I worked for 2 years on my paralegal degree through correspondence training.  With all that was on my plate, it was the only option at the time.  When my boys went to bed, I went to school in my little apartment.  Read self-help books (they worked wonders for me).  Get involved in your church.  Find ways, outside of the stresses of work and home life to feel good about yourself.  Fourth, if you need help, don’t be afraid or ashamed to ask for it.  We all need help once in a while.  Another point I would like to stress is this:  DO NOT get stuck in dead-end relationships.  Always keep your power in your own control.  Never give your power to another person and then rely on them for your happiness.  Form your personal relationships on your own terms, not someone else’s.  It is not until you are in a good, stable and secure place with yourself that you are able to accept a good man into your life.  When we are insecure and unstable, we tend to settle for less.  Never settle for less.

Being able to bloom where you are planted means when you get weak, think about where you are today versus where you were 6 months or a year ago.  Being able to love ourselves and accept our situations for what they are right now allows us to succeed where we are.  It creates the path for our futures which in turn directs our steps toward moving on from the typical stereotypes that come along with single motherhood.  Taking time to reflect on the positive attributes of your life once in a while will do you good.  At the same time, reflecting, but not dwelling, on the negative will allow you to basically compare yourself to the only person you should compare yourself to and that is YOU.   Most importantly, loving and accepting yourself for who you are to yourself and your children and being proud of where you have come is very important.  There are no limits for your future as long as you are open and willing to grasp opportunities.

Lastly ladies, if you don’t take anything from this article, remember that you are not defined by what others think of you.  We find definition in our compassion and unconditional love for our children and our own self-acceptance, self-worth, compassion and love for ourselves.  So, surround yourself with uplifting people who truly care about you and your children’s well-being.

KUDOS to all you single moms out there doing what others think is impossible! Keep on blooming!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Challenge or Opportunity?

Handling challenges of stepfamily life can be daunting.  Defining our roles as step-parents, the expectations we have of our stepchildren, competing for our spouses attention and loyalty conflicts are just a few of the challenges that we face being a part of a blended family.   All of the preceding issues can be looked at as a challenge, but what I like to teach my clients is that issues such as these, once completely understood, can be viewed as opportunities as well.

In the United States alone, between 75 and 85% of all divorced couples remarry and a third of all children in the  United States alone will spend part of their lives in a stepfamily.   With these stunning statistics at our fingertips, as members of the blended family, it is important to be aware that by fostering challenges and problems instead of fostering positive relationship building, having open discussions with our children and stepchildren and reinforcing realistic expectations, we are promoting instead of preventing the disconnect that often occurs within the stepfamily.  Most of the time, this disconnect occurs out of pure unrealistic expectations and non-understanding of the dynamics that accompanies the stepfamily environment.

Finding good, practical answers is not always easy because even stepfamilies that have been together for years, who are pretty much equipped with experience and knowledge under their belts, at times wrestle with issues.  However, as I have said in the past, it is how we mutually decide to handle these challenges by not allowing them to define our happiness within our units nor our success as a stepfamily.  Issues are going to arise.  Embrace them and fix it if you can.  If it is something that just can’t be agreed upon — well, agree to disagree, respect one another’s opinion, and move past it.  This small effort is allowing opportunity to rise above challenge.

Another very important tip in this process is always putting your marriage or remarriage first on your list of priorities.  Absolutely no marriage survives if the life partners in that marriage are in discord with one another.  For example, if you and your partner constantly disagree and struggle over the issue of discipline, or one or the other is insecure in your relationship because the kids are tearing you apart, and finally, a whopper of a discord is when one partner or the other lets guilt about a previous marital breakdown affect his or her parenting.  Your marriage has to be the center of your beings as a couple.  You cannot be insecure about your relationship and expect your stepchildren or children to be secure.  By taking this particular challenge by the horns and making sure you put your marriage first, you are exercising the opportunity to teach your children what a sound, stable and secure marriage is and should be.  They will know, in an instant, when two parents back each other unequivocally, through thick and thin, that there is no room for division on their part.  In essence, they will seek this type of marriage out in their own personal lives as well.

Choosing to transform our challenges into opportunities not only usually resolves, or helps to resolve, the conflict at hand, but it alleviates unnecessary struggles and it engages our behaviors toward the positive in other aspects of our lives as well.  Our children become more confident because evaluating conflict and the resolutions thereto, teaches them to look toward resolve instead of teaching them to stew upon negative emotions and things that they cannot change.  For example, if your husband’s ex hates your guts and you know you are being bad-mouthed in front of your stepchildren, don’t turn around and instigate the same behaviors in your home.  Simply use grace and confidence to handle that situation.  For example, if your stepchild says..”My mommy hates you!”  Simply, state something like…”I am so sorry that your mom feels that way about me because I don’t feel that way about her and maybe one day her perspective will change.”  Instead of,… “So frickin what your crazy mother hates me!  I hate her too.”  Do you see how just that simple response has the ability to change your stepchild’s response and/or idea of how that situation is viewed?  Not only does it teach them how to handle conflict, it teaches them humility.

Listen, I know better than anyone that the challenges the stepfamily life can bring is never just “black and white.”  Shades of grey are all over and in between, and most parents and stepparents are unprepared for the confusing and painful emotions that arise from time-to-time. However, by putting your relationship first and developing ways to make opportunities for bonding, teaching and loving instead of absorbing conflict, struggle and strife is one step in the right direction.  It is vitally important that our children have positive role models in their lives and it starts at home.  Whether they have two homes or one, in order for our children to be happy, we have to define our roles as parents and stepparents and allow them to learn and expect realistic expectations even when it comes down to a bit of conflict.

Let’s carve through the conflict to allow opportunity to evolve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

In any relationship, whether it be romantically involved (i.e., spousal or significant other, everyday friendships, sibling and often times even parental), conflict is inevitable.  What we don’t realize is that it is not the conflict in itself that is the problem, but rather simply, how we  decide to handle the conflict that either tears us apart or brings us closer together.

Research has shown that hanging on to ambivalent relationships (romantic or otherwise) in our lives where they are supportive and positive one minute and non-supportive/negative the next causes us more stress than a regular old negative relationship.  We bounce back and forth in these relationships never really knowing where we stand with the other person.  Research has also shown that this is also extremely physically unhealthy.

What does an ambivalent relationship or friendship look like one might ask?  For example, in some remarriages/stepfamilies, couples experience what I call the “weakest link” syndrome due to the stresses and strains such as conflict with an ex-spouse or stepchild, emotional/physical neglect and/or abuse and often times finances.  The stress level gets so high at times that one person feels as if they are constantly walking on eggshells.

The fact of the matter is that the world we live in today is full of unhealthy relationships.  We see them on on television, we hear about them on the news and bopp our heads to the tunes our music provides us about painful break-ups and conflict.  We also experience it first hand in our relationships with our friends and family.  Another example of a toxic relationship  can be that of an adult child that has grown up with a neglectful parent.  Whether that parent was neglectful due to the disease of physical abuse, drugs/alcohol or just simply walked away, there comes a time that we have to decide to accept these relationships for what they are not for what we imagine they can be.  We have to embrace the conflict we feel inside in order to accept that we can and need to let go of these relationships, especially when the outcome leads to our own positive well-being and health for that matter.

Another example of conflict and unhealthy relationships is that of ex-spouses that have not moved past the pain (a lot of the times due to not having closure, i.e., one spouse walked away suddenly, etc.) that they experienced during their previous relationship or their troubled marriage.  They want to disconnect, but hang on to emotions.  This is extremely harmful not just to the one behaving this way, but if the non-participating ex-spouse is remarried, it turns into major conflict for the remarriage, hence the “weakest link” syndrome kicks in.

Deciding to let go of  or exit an unhealthy relationship is hard.  In the alternative, a lot of people decide to just stay “stuck.”  In my opinion and through my experience, I have learned that what you need and want to accomplish in this one life that we get,  is much too short and precious to waste on people who do not feel or want the same things that you do.  Sometimes, those people are our friends, parents, spouses and siblings and when we need to let go of an unhealthy relationship, there is going to be pain.  However, it is wise and empowering to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and allow yourself to take inventory of the roles people have played in your life.  Obviously, I am not promoting cutting good people out of your life, but simply eliminating the stress and by doing so, sometimes we have to eliminate the folks that cause that stress.  Can people change?  Of course.   Can relationships that may be defunct at this moment end up flourishing? Absolutely.  I am a big proponent of change.  Two people, whether they are spouses, friends or family members, do not have to always agree  and obviously will not always share the same values, desires and goals in life, but if the stress from one of these relationships becomes detrimental to your happiness, being able to focus and becoming aware of your own goals and desires may require ending that stressful relationship.  Here are a few examples of questions you might ask yourself and thoughts you might consider:

• Acknowledge your own mistakes in the relationship.
• Does this person’s influence or feelings flip/flop back and forth from positive to negative at a moment’s notice continually and does it stress you out?
• Do you feel as if you walk on eggshells around this person?
• Are you being physically or emotionally abused?
• Are you being financially stifled to the point that you are afraid to speak up?
• Are you stuck in a dead-end relationship?
• Are you always available for your friends but they are never available for you?
• Does your parent make you feel guilty for their past parental actions or non-actions?
• Do you feel you need to re-evaluate the direction your relationship is taking?

When we set clear intentions in our relationships, we clear the path for our own progress and true happiness.  In learning this, we are putting a voice to the emotional part of inner-beings and again, accomplishing true happiness.

Peace &  Blessings,
Di

What are your top (re)marriage concerns?

Many of you know that Diane and I also own and operate a counseling practice that caters only to people experiencing stepfamily issues.  When we do sit down with couples, we immediately realize the source of the problem, and often times, it’s with the remarried couple. The wife doesn’t feel appreciated, respected and/or supported by her husband. The husband feels as if the wife just nags all the time for no reason and doesn’t understand why she just won’t concede because his children are important to him.  Both just assume that the other doesn’t or won’t understand. Neither take the time to actually convey how they feel, until they sit down with one of us.

Diane and I firmly believe that the source of strength for the stepfamily is the marriage. If the marriage is not solid, the stepfamily won’t be.  Our focal point is not on getting the children to love their stepmom; getting the stepmom to be friends with the ex-wife or getting the divorced parents to be friends. Although there is nothing wrong with any of the above-mentioned, it isn’t what we think is necessary to create a solid stepfamily. The stepfamily can still survive if the stepmom and ex-wife aren’t best friends. It can survive if the divorced parents aren’t friends, but it will not make it if the remarriage is in disarray.

And so, we want to hear from you? What are some of your top (re) marriage concerns? You can either leave them in the comment section of this post or email us directly at info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com. The follow up article will be filled with tips based on your concerns.

When Counseling Doesn’t Work

Almost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills.  Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they  think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.

That being said, there are times when counseling doesn’t work and for various reasons. First off, we live in a day and age when people expect instant results. They want to take a pill to lose weight, make a delicious meal in 30 minutes, have instant financial transactions and want everything with the touch of a button. These people think that they should be all “fixed” after 2 or 3 sessions and if they aren’t “fixed” by then, they give up. The problem with this type of thinking is that counseling is more of a marathon than a sprint. It takes longer to get to the finish line and you may get exhausted and frustrated along the way, but eventually you get there as long as you finish the race.

Another reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.

It’s also important to choose the right counselor if you want counseling to work! Not all counselors are qualified to deal with stepfamily issues. It is the reason that many couples feel like counseling doesn’t work when they’ve gone to a traditional marriage and family therapist. Academic credentials alone doesn’t mean that he or she is qualified. Interview your therapist ahead of time. Make sure he or she is not only academically trained but also has personal experience dealing with stepfamily issues. It means that he or she has also applied what they’ve learned to their own marriage and family and can therefore tell you what works and what doesn’t.

Overall, it’s important to realize that counseling is not a magical answer. When we sit down with you, we can’t snap our fingers and make it all go away in one session. We are there to give you helpful advice but you have to do the work. We then guide you as you apply that advice individually and collectively. Just remember that as long as you apply the knowledge that your coach gives you and finish the race, you will come out a winner.

#1 Rule: Love Each Other First

New York Times Best Selling Author” Ayelet Waldman said it best….”I love my husband more than I love my children” in a prior essay she wrote about marriage and children.   She was also “booed” on the Oprah show for her remarks.  After reading her prior essay and listening to Ms. Waldman on the radio program, Fresh Air, I can’t wait to go out and get my copy of ”Bad Mother.”‘

With that, her essay point begged a post on the subject of the first rule for every marriage and especially blended family, spouses must love one another first and must put each other first, before the children and especially ex-spouses, in their lives.  In America, and I am certain in other countries as well, we have been trained so differently, especially if you are a single mother. We are taught that once we have children, they come first, at times, even before ourselves.  All we know is our children.  All we want to do is take care of them first and foremost.  Not only is this philosophy wrong and detrimental to our emotional health and well-being, but to our marriages as well.  In order for our marriages to survive and in order for us to create a healthy, happy home life for all of us, we have to align with our spouses and have a bond that is stronger than that of the bond with our children.  This is a daunting task to say the least because like Ms. Waldman being “booed” on Oprah, society just can’t always wrap their minds around the idea that if your marriage is unbreakable and your husband/wife is first in your life, not only will your overall family life be better, but your children will be happier, well-rounded and emotionally well.

Of course, I, like most parents, can understand the fear behind the idea of putting your spouse ahead of your children because up until about 3 years ago, if you asked me if I would not have put any man before my children, even their fathers, I would have said “No” unequivocally.  However, 3 years ago, my marriage wasn’t at all like it is today.  The Bible tells us to cling to our spouses but some of us still cling to everyone but our spouses.  The very day that I made the decision to always put my husband before my children, grown or not, my marriage changed for the better.  Not only is this rule good for you, your spouse and your marriage, there is an incredible lesson being taught to your children.  Your children learn that there is no room for division.  They learn what it means to have unity and security.  Moreover, when they are older, they will be more likely to enjoy healthy, happy marriages themselves.  It has been proven time and time again that if your marriage is not strong, your children will be able to feel and sense it which in turn makes them insecure.  Being on the same page and putting your spouse first teaches your children that they cannot dismantle the family hierarchy but rather fortify their role in the family as well, thereby avoiding confusion.

In my opinion, Ms. Waldman has it on point.  The luckiest thing that has ever happened to me is meeting my husband.  It is a remarkable feeling to know that he and I always have one another’s back, that we stand united together in not just our decisions, but in the wholeness of our marriage.  Although our children may not like it at times, they know they cannot drive wedges between us nor can they play one of us against the other.  These are life lessons that they take into adulthood and into their own marriages.  By my husband and I always putting one another first and taking care of our marriage first, we are making sure our needs as a couple are being met.  For example, when you board an airplane, what is the first thing that happens?  The flight attendants teach you how to use the oxygen masks first as parents, and then give them to your children, correct?   That is because if you are not stable, they won’t be stable.  The same applies in your marriage and family life.  If you as parents aren’t stable, there is no way you can provide a stable environment for your children.  The most important part of that stability is loving your husband or wife first and putting your marriage before your children.

Say yes to your marriage and remember the number one rule:  Love each other first.

Peace & Blessings.
Di

Blended Families Aren’t Perfect and That’s Okay!

We all know that nuclear families aren’t perfect so why would the blended family be any different?  We all have our roles to play and we all have a responsibility to execute the duties that come along with our roles in order to allow our families to flourish.

In retrospect, boy oh boy, there have been times when the functions of my own blended family have been less than perfect, but that is fine with me!  I realized a long time ago, like with anything in life, no matter how hard you try or how hard you work, at times, things will go wrong.  Changes sneak up on us and while we are sitting around contemplating and worrying about them constantly, before we know it, new changes are taking effect and the old ones have been forgotten about.   I decided that instead of doing a lot of extra contemplating and worrying, I would accept the changes and work to make my blended family more cohesive.  In essence, put action to work and leave intermittent worries and contemplations where they belong and that is at the bottom of the stack of problems that may or may not be something to worry about, especially if it is not in direct relation to your household.

As members of the blended family, we need to focus on what unites us instead of what divides us.  For example, when a problem or an issue arises within your blended family, instead of focusing completely on what is negative about it, do your best to find something positive to focus on.  If you are having a problem with your spouse, co-parent, stepparent or your stepchild, think about what that person actually brings to your life, or that of your blended family member, instead of focusing completely on their faults or on what you personally don’t like about them.  By doing this, there will be less focus on the negative and the simple problem at hand will become less important.  Remember, each person in the blended family adds something special to the unit.  We have to take time to explore those special qualities and know that it’s okay to be where we are.

Appreciating and recognizing every person’s role in the blended family and that they are going to make mistakes will allow their mishaps or habits to become more tolerable (as long as the habits are not unhealthy physically or emotionally), especially if the alternative is at the expense of your relationship.   In going through blended family struggles from time-to-time, learning to accept the impermanence and imperfections within same have allowed me cherish the good attributes, accept the not so lovely ones and deeply embody the lessons that I learn through my journey.  Too many times, especially in blended families, people live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction because they refuse to just simply accept that there are going to be times when life throws them a curve ball and imperfections in their blended families are inevitably going to surface.  At times, we even decide throw away good relationships because we think that if our blended family isn’t perfect or everyone doesn’t “like us” then it won’t work.  Don’t settle for less than you deserve in your blended family.  Strive for cohesiveness in a positive way.  It is possible to live cohesively with imperfections.

Lastly TMF readers, it’s OK to be where you are.  It’s okay for our relationships to have imperfections.  Those imperfections mold us into what we become down the road in our marriages and in our relationships with our children and stepchildren.  They teach us how to become better spouses, parents, co-parents, stepparents and stepchildren.  They teach us how to love better.  Don’t pine for what you don’t have, instead, focus on what you do have.  This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work to change the issues that may arise or work to improve, but rather, find balance and acceptance.  Remember….”and this too shall pass!”

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Stepmom Standards

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day. Comedian, actor and author, Steve Harvey was on talking about his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Steve Harvey’s wife also appeared on the show and Steve told the story of when he knew that she was the woman for him. Apparently Mr. Harvey had been a player and one time when he and Mrs. Harvey (she was his girlfriend at the time), were on an overnight date, Steve’s phone rang in the middle of the night. It was another woman and he actually took the call. Mrs. Harvey said that she calmly got up and started packing her things. Steve asked her what she was doing and she replied, “I’m going home. You can be a player if you want to, but I’m not going to have any part of it. You will treat me with respect.” Steve told Dr. Phil that it was at that moment that he knew that she was the woman for him because she had standards and expectations and she made them perfectly clear.

There is a chapter in Harvey’s book on setting standards. “Here’s what’s happened over the years. Women’s standards and requirements have lowered. And as men, we know that. We have taken advantage of it. We’ve created terms that we feed to women that allow us to exist as we do. We created the term nagging. There’s really no such thing as nagging. As soon as a woman starts registering her complaint, we call it nagging. We let you know it will drive us away,” said Harvey. “So many standards have been lowered by women that now a man doesn’t have to climb over a very high bar to get to her. So now you have more men who can get away with more things with more women without any repercussions, ” he explained.

I am going to have to agree with Mr. Harvey. Many times women lower their expectations for how they should be treated based on what other people will think of them and this holds true for the stepmother as well. The stepmom or future stepmom might believe that she can’t require her husband or future husband to treat her a certain way because he has kids with another woman. She might feel like she can’t demand respect in her home because then she will be seen as the evil stepmother. She might feel as if she can’t expect her husband to make their marriage a priority because she will be seen as the woman taking him away from his kids. There are many other situations and reasons why a stepmom or future stepmom might not want to make her expectations perfectly clear, but I caution them not to lower their standards and expectations. Like Steve said, when women lower their standards, a man doesn’t have to work very hard to get to her and he is able to get away with more things. He’s able to use the “it’s for my kids” or “but she’s the mother of my children” excuse for mistreating you. It’s okay to put your foot down and demand to be treated as you would if he had never been married and didn’t have kids. This doesn’t mean that he is disowning his children or disrespecting the mother of his children just because he treats his wife or future wife the way she should be treated.

That being said, setting standards is different from delivering ultimatums and/or whining. When Steve Harvey’s wife left that night, she didn’t say you have to stop or I’m going to leave. She told him that he can be a player if he wants to, but she wasn’t going to have any part of it.  Stepmoms need to apply the same method to their respective situations. Realize that you can’t force someone to behave the way you want them to and after talking or arguing about your feelings for so long without change, then it’s time for YOU to take the situation into your own hands. Often times, when people are confronted with conflict we give our power to the person we’re in conflict with. We do this by continually whining about a situation that we’ve expressed our feelings about, over and over again, and still expecting the other person to take action. What we must realize and accept is that sometimes that other person just isn’t going to take action and we must be prepared to take that next step either way. Stepmoms need to start setting standards early (before you take the trip down the aisle). If there are things that you know you won’t tolerate, make it perfectly clear early on and be prepared to act on it so he knows what your expectations are.  Let him know that he can continue the behavior, but he can do it without you.  Let him know that you won’t tolerate rude and invasive exes or disrespectful children, from the very beginning. Tell him that you understand how everyone must feel, but you will accept no excuses for being mistreated in any way. Outline your standards and make your expectations of him perfectly clear. Make him work for you because you are worth it.

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