Denise Richards Caring for Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen’s Twins

December 18, 2012 By

As rep0rted on Eonline.com, two very famous women who both happen to be ex-wives of Charlie Sheen are making the headlines.  Brooke Mueller has entrusted Denise Richards to care for her and Charlie Sheen’s twin boys while she continues to get well in rehab.  This story in and of itself is proof that stepfamilies can get past the issues if both parties agree to not allow the issues to get in the way of what is best for the children.  TMF gives big kudos to Denise Richards for stepping up the plate for these two boys when their parents obviously aren’t able.  The story, as published on Eonline.com is below in its entirety.

Brooke Mueller may be in rehab again, but her twin boys with Charlie Sheen are safe and sound. Sources confirm that Bob and Max are currently staying with Sheen’s ex-wife Denise Richards. Mueller reached out to Richards for help while Sheen is tied up working on his FX series, Anger Management, according to the sources. “This isn’t the first time the boys have stayed with Denise for a length of time,” one source said.

No word on how long Richards is expected to care for them, but no matter. “Denise would do anything for those kids,” the source said. Mueller’s attorney told E! News earlier today that she entered rehab for addiction issues related to her use of Adderall.

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The Stepfamily Challenge by Gloria Lintermans

October 25, 2012 By

As most of you probably know, Gloria Lintermans is not just a popular syndicated columnist but a fabulous author and freelance writer.  Through my work, I have been lucky enough to come in contact with and learn from Gloria.  Therefore, I am sure you can understand how excited I was when I was afforded the opportunity to post the following article here on Today’s Modern Family.  I jumped at the chance.  Gloria is not only a guru in the realm of stepfamily education, she is one of my idols!  Anytime I have the opportunity to be educated through her writing, I indulge and I encourage you to do the same.  Enjoy!

THE STEPFAMILY CHALLENGE

As a step and biological Mom, and the author of a book on stepfamilies which included not only my own experience but research with stepfamily authorities and other stepfamilies, I am aware, all to often, of the high rate of divorce among these families.

One reason is that there are no understood guidelines for these families. Society tends to apply the rules of first marriages, while ignoring the complexities of stepfamilies.

A little clarification: In a stepfamily the child(ren) is of one co-parent; in a blended family, there are children from both co-parents; and, virtually all family members have recently experienced a primary relationship loss.

The Landmines

Three potential problem areas are: Financial burdens, Role ambiguity, and the Children’s Negative Feelings when they don’t want the new family to “work.”

Husbands sometimes feel caught between the often impossible demands of their former family and their present one. Some second wives also feel resentful about the amount of income that goes to the husband’s first wife and family.

Legally, the stepparent has no prescribed rights or duties, which may result in tension, compromise, and role ambiguity.

Another complication of role ambiguity is that society seems to expect acquired parents and children to instantly love each other.

In reality, this is often just not the case.

The third reason for a difficult stepparent-child relationship might be that a child does not want this marriage to work, and so, acts out with hostility, since children commonly harbor fantasies that their biological parents will reunite. Stepchildren can prove hostile adversaries, and this is especially true for adolescents.

Stepmother Anxiety

Clinicians say that the role of stepmother is more difficult than that of stepfather, because stepmother families may more often be born of difficult custody battles and/or particularly troubled family relations. Society is also contradictory in expecting loving relationships between stepmothers and children while, at the same time, portraying stepmothers as cruel and even abusive (Snow White, Cinderella, and Hansel and Gretel are just a few bedtimestories we are all familiar with).

Stepfather Anxiety

Men who marry women with children come to their new responsibilities with a mixed bag of emotions, far different from those that make a man assume responsibility for his biological children. A new husband might react to an “instant” family with feelings which range from admiration to fright to contempt.

The hidden agenda is one of the first difficulties a stepfather runs into: The mother or her children, or both, may have expectations about what he will do, but may not give him a clear picture of what those expectations are. The husband may also have a hidden agenda.

A part of the stepchildren’s hidden agenda is the extent to which they will let the husband play father.

The key is for everyone to work together.

The husband, wife, their stepchildren, and their non-custodial biological parent can all negotiate new ways of doing things by taking to heart and incorporating the information you are about to learn—the most positive alternative for everyone.

One Day at a Time

Now you have a pretty good feel for what everyone is going through. How do you start to make it better — a process that can take years? First you must be very clear about what you want and expect from this marriage and the individuals involved, including yourself. What are you willing to do? In a loving and positive way, now is the time to articulate, negotiate, and come to an agreement on your expectations and about how you and your partner will behave.

The best marriages are flexible marriages, but how can you be flexible if you do not know what everyone needs right now. And, this may change over time, so there must be room for that to happen as well.

In flexible marriages partners are freer to reveal the parts of their changing selves that no longer fit into their old established patterns. You couldn’t possibly have known at the beginning of your new family what you know now and will learn later.

Spouses may feel the “conflict taboo” even more than in a first marriage. It is understandable that you want to make this marriage work. You might feel too “battle-scarred” to open “a can of worms.” And so, you gloss over differences that need airing and resolution—differences over which you may not have hesitated to wage war in your first marriage. Avoiding airing your differences is a serious mistake. It is important for you to understand your own and your partner’s needs because society hasn’t a clue how stepfamilies should work. Unless you talk about your expectations, they are likely to be unrealistic.

Living Well

Since roughly one third of stepfamilies do survive—even thrive—we know that stepfamilies can grow the safety, support, and comfort that only healthy families provide. Consider the following for living your step/blended family life well:

You must assess, as a couple, how well you accept and resolve conflicts with each other and key others. Learn and steadily work to develop verbal skills: listen with empathy, effectively show your needs, and problem-solve together. The emotional highs of new love can disguise deep disagreement on parenting, money, family priorities, and home management, i.e., values that will surface after the wedding.

Together, accept your prospective identity as a normal, unique, multi-home stepfamily. You need to admit and resolve strong disagreements, well enough for positive results.

You must balance and co-manage all of these tasks well enough on a daily basis to: build a solid, high-priority marriage; enjoy your kids; and, to keep growing emotionally and spiritually as individual people.

Know and take comfort in the fact that confidant stepfamily adult teams (not simply couples), can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security—and often (not always) the love—that adults and kids long for.

Gloria Lintermans is the author of THE SECRETS TO STEPFAMILY SUCCESS: Revolutionary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Respect.

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Merging Values for Successful Stepparenting

October 15, 2012 By

It is well known that while living in a stepfamily, you will experience unique challenges.  Expecting that your blended family will work like a biological/first family is like navigating a canoe during a hurricane.  With that being said, most stepparents get so caught up in the problems they are experiencing that they fail to seek out resolutions.  In turn, this causes the stepparent to feel as if they have failed which often sends them into feeling hopeless, and even worse, depression.

Failed expectations can make merging values non-existent.  One of the first mistakes we make as spouses in a remarriage is that we go into our marriage trying to fix mistakes made in our prior marriage sometimes even hoping that we will find all of the answers so that we don’t fall trap to them the second time around.  This expectation is the first step in a slew of unrealistic expectations that play a role in the 75% divorce rate in remarriages.

In my opinion, one of the most important lessons we have to learn before we go into a remarriage is that we have to “work on ourselves” first.  We have to care about our own hearts.  For example, speaking from the stepmother’s perspective, we tend to put too much stock into how much our stepchildren love or care about us.  That particular expectation is usually set from the beginning by us and by our spouses.  However, when you put it all in perspective, how can you truly open up and and let your love flow for others if you are constantly worrying about what you aren’t doing right.  We have to work on ourselves ahead of merging values with someone else.  Maintaining your boundaries and living in a better version of yourself will allow you to understand that “love” is not a requirement.  If “love” is going to form, it rarely forms in the beginning.  Love is built. 

How do you maintain healthy expectations when merging values you might ask?  Begin with the following:

  • Your stepfamily did not form on the pages of a pre-written manuscript.  The Brady Bunch was a made for television production. You cannot build your stepfamily around that fantasy.
  • Before you entered into the stepfamily environment, you essentially had been seeing it from an outside position. The waters may be calm at first, but I guarantee you things will never be as perfect as you think they are.  Be open to understanding that you don’t have to impress everyone in order to validate yourself.  That is not your job nor is it healthy for you as a stepparent.
  • Every family, whether bio or step, has some sort of issue. Don’t blame all of your problems on your stepfamily. Evaluate each issue for what it truly is, don’t shove it under the rug, and find the solution. One of the best ways to kill a stepfamily is to expect that if the little problems are ignored and swept under the rug , they will just go away.  NOT!  Rejection, angst, resentment and discord will be your end result if you expect that the little issues will resolve themselves. 
  • As parents of our biological children, it is normal and healthy to have high expectations.  As stepparents, we need to realize that we have to lower our expectations a bit.  That’s a hard pill to swallow at times, but this family was formed, not biologically created.  Your stepchildren may have been raised totally different from the way you and your ex-spouse raised your children.  You and your spouse more than likely came from two different backgrounds and may not have been raised with the same values — it will always be a work in process.  Lower your expectations.

Having shared values is what defines any family, including stepfamilies.  Building and merging values includes stocking up on plenty of communication, respect, love and commitment between the two most important people, the leaders, you and your spouse.  Of course, everyone in the stepfamily has an important role, but as the team captains, you are specifically responsible for maintaining your family unit.  The first way to merge your values is to recognize that your partnership is the most important link.  If there is any form of resistance in your stepfamily, what you and your spouse decide to focus on and to show all of the children in the family about the sturdiness of your marriage is what they will either lean against to conform and merge, or what they will use to try to tear it down during times of weakness.  Remember, all stepfamilies are formed out of some sort of loss and it is usually the children who have suffered the hardest.  Teaching them through the pain is crucial.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

 

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Fireproof Your (Re)Marriage!

September 4, 2012 By

Has the fire in your (re)marriage burnt out or headed in that direction?  Let’s face it, the statistics are staggering.  According the to latest survey taken by the U.S. Census Bureau, the divorce rates in the United States for first marriages is currently between 40-50% with the median length of marriage being 11 years.  For remarriages, that number increases dramatically to between 67-75%.  What’s even more stunning is one-half of all remarriages end in divorce after just three years.  Whew…now as disconcerting as those figures are, this is why we here at Today’s Modern Family do what we do.  We are dedicated to helping remarried couples avoid some of the pitfalls that unfortunately naturally accompany remarriage.

In preparing for this post, I took a small poll from several people that I know that live in blended families and I asked them what each of them thought was the top issue that causes problems within the remarriage.  Drum roll please…..expectations and integrating parenting styles was the number one issue.  The second most popular issue was the problem with putting the remarriage first before the children.  With that being said, I would say, in my professional opinion, the latter is the most important issue that has to be resolved in order to have a successful remarriage.  When the remarriage is put first in the lives of the life partners, it’s much easier to incorporate things like parenting styles, expectations and discipline.  It is widely known that if you allow your remarriage to become a prisoner to negative influences, it will tear your marriage apart.  Unfortunately, at times, those negative influences can be our children.  Now, I understand that some of those reading this post will be sent off the roof with that statement and say to yourselves…”what in the hell is this lady talking about?”  But, what you have to remember is that marriage is the foundation of family, not your children.  If the foundation of your marriage cracks, everything else cracks with it.  Of course, I have to put the caveat in here that I am not speaking about any situation that involves abuse in any manner, I am generally speaking about what would otherwise be normal circumstances involving the stepfamily environment and you or your spouse’s children driving a constant wedge between you (other stressors can take many forms).   When this happens, it causes one or the other partner in the marriage to feel controlled, restricted, belittled, disrespected and deprived, with deprived being the most important word.  In every successful remarriage that I have dealt with, when the feelings, opinions and heart of each spouse is put on the top of their partners priority list, the marriage exudes confidence, love, respect and trust.  When remarriage lacks priority, it is essentially deprived.  When the remarriage is deprived, the trickle-down effect begins and the whole blended family heads on a path of disaster.

If you are wondering about the title of this post “Fireproof  Your (Re)Marriage,” yes, you are correct.  I obtained the idea for this post from the movie Fireproof Your Marriage starring Kirk Cameron.  I was so incredibly moved by the movie that I began to ask myself the question, how can I apply this to remarriage.  Well, the answers to that was the same premise that Kela and I have been teaching our clients for years.  You have to treat your remarriage as if it is a first marriage.  In a first marriage, 9 times out of 10, parents stand united with one another by nature.  This does not occur naturally in stepfamilies.

One of my favorite sayings is that a garden that is not watered produces no harvest.  A flower that is not watered withers and dies.  A remarriage that is not put first on the priority list ends up deprived and suffocated.  Debunk the myth that focusing on your marriage means you are neglecting  your children.  Your children will not just be more well-rounded if you make your remarriage a priority, they will benefit greatly from it.  They learn what it means to be committed, to have trust and respect in a relationship and they actually see what love really looks like.

Fireproofing your remarriage begins with priority!  Make your remarriage your first priority and I promise you all else will fall in it’s proper place.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

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Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes Call It Quits!

June 30, 2012 By

Unfortunately, one of our favorite Hollywood couples is divorcing.  People magazine reported that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing after five years of marriage.  According to the actress’ attorney Jonathan Wolfe, “This is a personal and private matter for Katie and her family. Katie’s primary concern remains, as it always has been, her daughter’s best interest.”  Soon after Holmes’ announcement, Cruise released his own statement on the split. “Kate has filed for divorce and Tom is deeply saddened and is concentrating on his three children,” his rep told People. “Please allow them their privacy to work this out.”  Holmes filed in New York on Thursday, and according to TMZ, she is seeking sole custody and “primary residency custody” of Suri, 6, as well as a “suitable amount” of child support.   This is unfortunate news as the Cruise family was one of Today’s Modern Families favorite Hollywood blended families.  It seems Hollywood as of late has had an unfair share of divorces.  Being in an everyday (re)marriage is tough and takes work, I can only image that adding all of the pressures of Hollywood makes it even harder.  We wish the Cruise family well.

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Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli Ending Their 11-Year Marriage

March 14, 2012 By

I have to say that I was saddened by the news that former 90210 star Jennie Garth and Twilight star Peter Facinelli are ending their 11 year marriage.  By Hollywood standards, this was a long marriage and it’s always sad to see it happen especially when children are involved.  According to the L.A. Times blog, The Envelope, Peter Facinelli plays vampire Carlisle Cullen in “The Twilight Saga,” but sadly his marriage to “90210″ actress Jennie Garth isn’t similarly immortal.

The star couple announced Tuesday that their 11-year marriage has ended.

“While we have decided to end our marriage, we both share the same deep love and devotion to our children,” Facinelli and Garth told Us Weekly. “We remain dedicated to raising our beautiful daughters together. We ask for privacy and respect during this time.”

They share three girls: Luca, 14, Lola, 9, and 5-year-old Fiona. The news comes on the heels of Facinelli’s Monday appearance on “The Hunger Games” red carpet with his eldest.

Facinelli will enjoy an anonymous summer before promoting the final “Twilight” installment, “Breaking Dawn — Part 2.” Garth is committed to a charitable outreach for children’s literacy, a book reading with Cheerio’s Spoonful of Stories, slated for mid-March.

While the news may come as a surprise to some, reports as early as last July had the pair on the rocks, living apart and trying to work out their differences.

 

This article can be read in its entirety at :  http://latimesblogs.latimes.com

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Noreen Lambert’s Blended Family Kitchen

March 12, 2012 By

As the holidays were upon me last year, I began perusing the internet for some good edible gift ideas and came across my new favorite YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen!  Noreen had me at “hello” when I was able to recreate her fabulous coconut and brownie macaroons and I got rave reviews from my coworkers.  Over time, I found out that Noreen also lives in a blended family.  She, her husband Rick and her two daughters make it work!  I was intrigued by how all members of the family join Noreen in the kitchen, which I also feel is so important in bond building with families.  The kitchen being the center of the family, Noreen has it down pat!  With that, I had to interview Noreen.  TMF Readers, I hope you enjoy my interview with Noreen Lambert as much as I enjoyed chatting with her.  Not only do I now have a new cooking mentor, I’ve made a new friend in the process.

Diane:  Noreen, let me begin by saying that I am so excited to have this conversation with you.  I have been a big fan of your YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen, for some time now and thank you for allowing me the opportunity.

 Noreen:  Oh thank you Diane, I am extremely flattered that you would have me here.

 Diane:  Your YouTube channel is a fabulous outlet for women like me who aren’t experts in the kitchen but love to cook.  What inspired you to cook for an audience?

 Noreen:  I don’t have a great answer to that question, except that I wanted to do it.  I’ve been into making videos for the past 3 years now but before that I was just a viewer.  One night, I thought I would make a dinner.  At first, I wasn’t great at editing, I had to learn the learning curve, actually learned an awful lot.  I wanted people to come into my kitchen and feel like they are sitting at my kitchen table.

 Diane:   Growing up in a blended family and having a blended family currently, what is your perception of how a blended family should operate? 

 Noreen:  I think that I have two different ideas.  My father died when I was 10.  My mom remarried soon thereafter. My stepdad was my father’s very good friend.  However, I was daddy’s little girl, so the loss was very devastating for me.  I will admit, I was not easy to live with and I probably didn’t really accept him as my stepfather.  I didn’t disrespect him but I had a hatred for him until my early 20’s.  My family works because it works for us.  Everyone is different.  When I was growing up we didn’t have “blended family” we were told and were expected to be “just family.” 

Diane:   What do you think caused you to feel hatred?

Noreen:  Because he was replacing my father.  We, my brother and I had always known him as “Uncle Paul” and as soon as my mom and Paul came home from their honeymoon, I was told that  he was no longer to be called “Uncle Paul,” but either “Paul or Daddy.”  A giant paradigm shifted in my life.  If I call him Paul, I will upset my mom and if I call him dad, I am being disloyal to my  deceased father.  That was a lot of pressure.  Of course, every family has issues that have to be dealt with in one way or another, but sometimes its easier to brush them under the rug and hide them which only causes more pain.  I have a brother 5 years younger and he didn’t know we had a blended family because the “step” part of it was all he knew.  I, of course, had a different experience as I knew my father well, I was ten.  I was his little girl.  My brother had horrible guilt that he never knew our father.  As parents we all make mistakes and we can’t fix them but grow through them.  I never got permanent closure from losing my dad.  We just had to grow thru it. 

Diane:  How do you think these experiences have affected your parenting?

Noreen:  As a mother now, I am painfully honest with my children.  When I separated from their father, they were 2 and 4.  18 months later, Rick and I met and we finally married 3 years ago.  Rick has a daughter in Vegas and she dislikes me.  I know what she is going through as I went through the same situation.  She doesn’t accept me in that respect.  She is 14.  I never would have guessed that my stepdad would be a fabulous dad now but I got really lucky.  Every family has their dysfunction.  My kids accept Rick as their dad.    

 Diane:  Do you find that your belief system is a lot different than that of your parents when you were being raised in a stepfamily?  Is there anything you purposely do different?

 Noreen:   Very much so.  I do a lot of things different from my mom.  My mom is very “everything has to be planned.”  That doesn’t work for me.  Growing up, we had a living room that no one sat in, a dining room that no one ate in.  I am totally different.  We have to live for today and I want my kids to grab life by the “balls” and that they should try everything and realize that there is nothing in life that they can’t do whether they live in a blended family or not.   You have to pick your battles.

Diane:  What lessons did you take from your personal childhood experience that you may or may not want to bring into your current experience?

Noreen:  We are a team.   Our family growing up wasn’t a team.  Parents were parents and kids were kids.  In my house we play on the same team. 

Diane:  A lot of times, stepmoms feel the need to overcompensate or to be the “fixer of all things” for their husbands, stepchildren, children, etc.  What advice would you give people who are suffering from what I call “super stepmom syndrome?”

Noreen:  Its funny you should ask this.  I always feel guilty if I don’t make something better.  Being a woman in general we feel obligated that we have to make everyone happy all the time.  Society in general makes us feel this way.  When I am cooking on the videos, I always say “it doesn’t have to be perfect.”  I am by far not perfect but I think that the most important advice I can give is to “forgive yourself.”  Be easy on yourself.  We can only fix what we can fix.  I spent a lot of my life worrying about what I couldn’t fix.  The sun still comes tomorrow.  Tomorrow is another day.

Diane:  Those statements are extremely powerful and so true.  You speak my language Noreen.   As a stepmom, what do you think is the most important lesson you have learned through this journey?

Noreen:  That you just have to let things be.  She doesn’t have to like me.  It has to be organic.  You cannot put a seed in the ground and do nothing to it and expect it to produce a fruit.  You just can’t.  You have to let it happen naturally.  The bottom line is the seed gives me a guarantee that if I water it and take care of it, it is going to give me something back.  But you have to nurture it and feed it and work at it.  You don’t just have a relationship; you have to work at it.   People automatically think that just because their children, they don’t have to work at it.  They are still people.  Everyone has to work at relationships.  People discount children because they are children.  They have feelings. 

Diane:  You and Rick make a great team on camera as I am sure you do in your married life.  What impact has Rick had on your girls? 

Noreen:   He is very patient and very accepting.  Having been in the military for so long he knows how to delegate.  He never expected anything from them which goes back to that organic relationship.  It has grown from there.  Their relationship was never forced, it always happened on the kids terms and they were able to build trust in him.  How I was raised is “we are going to be a family whether you like it or not.”  That doesn’t work. 

Diane:  One thing I notice about you and Rick is that he is very involved in helping you with your YouTube channel (i.e., filming, commenting and even cooking from time to time).  I think it is wonderful that the two of you exhibit your “love and support” of one another the way you do. You laugh together and you make us laugh.  It’s very important in remarriage and in any relationship to nurture it.  Do you agree?

Noreen:   If I can be humorous,I think the greatest way to learn about how to have a good marriage is to screw one up!  My first marriage didn’t break up just because of my husband, we both played a role.  Nurturing your marriage is the most important lesson I can give people.  The first time around, it was very important for me to be right and for him to be right and now it doesn’t matter who’s right.  Your reward for hard work in your marriage is the reward of your good relationship. 

Diane:  To keep in line with tradition, I ask all of my interviewee’s this question.  What do you do for fun?

Noreen:   Go to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg, Virginia.  I also craft.  I love crafting.  Another past time, is that I love to play on the Wii.  I am also a movie and trivia junkie. 

Diane:  Noreen, it has been a real pleasure interviewing you and thank you for allowing Today’s Modern Family into your world.  We are doing our best to serve blended families and we love to acknowledge great, successful blended families when we get the chance!  Thank you for stopping by and letting me pick your brain not just on the issue of stepfamilies, but with regard to my favorite pastime – cooking and baking.

Noreen:  You’re so very welcome Diane.  I very much enjoyed our time together and thank you for having me.

 

Noreen Lambert is a wife, mom, stepmom and homemaker who loves to cook.  You can find Noreen’s channel on YouTube with the tag name of atticus9799 and at www.noreenskitchen.com. 

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Stepparenting: From Challenge to Success

January 5, 2012 By Leave a Comment

As I always say, marriage is tough but remarriage is tougher….well, let’s face it then, parenting is hard but stepparenting is probably one of the toughest challenges you will ever face in your lifetime.

There are no prerequisite courses you can take to prepare for your journey and there are no instruction manuals that come along with it, however, there are some steps that you can take in order to help you through it.  Regardless of all horror stories you hear and all of the stereotypical fairy tales about stepparents, you can have  successful relationships in your stepfamily life.

As parents of our biological children, it is my belief that we do our best in bringing them up, we trust our instincts and do what we think is best for them.  As stepparents, we tend to second guess our instincts at times.  Of course most of us want to do what is best for our stepchildren but we tend to second guess in order to avoid confrontation instead of just being ourselves.  If you are struggling, I offer you some of the following tips to help you navigate to a successful relationships within your stepfamily unit.

1.  Protect Your Marriage.  The number one tip I can give you is to decide and make a choice that your marriage will always come first.  If the ex-wife calls your phone regularly in the middle of the night to discuss the problems with her plumbing or she just wants to talk – NIP IT IN THE BUD!  There is an obvious reason you are in a stepfamily and that means you are divorced!  Your new family is based on your new union….protect it!

2.  Communicate.  Allow your children and stepchildren to tell you how they feel without judgment.   Encourage frequent communication and allowing them to have alone time with you and your spouse is very important.  Everyone, even children, want to know that their opinions matter to you.  They want to know that you hear them and that you are open to listening to them.

3.  Empathy.  One of the single most important tips I can give you is to have empathy for the position your stepchildren are in.  All stepfamilies are created out of a loss; keep that in mind when you have rough patches.  Empathy goes a long way.

4.  Maintain Normal Boundaries.  A lot of stepparents get confused in this area.  They feel that they have to overcompensate in order or their stepchild to like or approve of them.  You should always maintain the normal boundaries of an adult/child relationship.  For example, do not try to become your stepchild’s best friend.  You are an extension of their parent not a best friend.  A supporter and ally would be a great description of a stepparent.

  1. 5.  Realistic Expectations.  One of the hardest subjects I have to put across to my coaching clients is that of having realistic expectations.  Parents assume that when they bring a child into a new marriage or relationship that their spouse will immediately fall in love they way they are with their child.  This is a totally unrealistic expectation.  Relationships are built through time and patience.  As I said above, all step relationships exist out of a loss.  That is a hard pill to swallow for a child that has just has his/her world turned upside down.  Don’t rush your relationship.  Build trust.  Do your best to create good experiences and you will build a meaningful relationship.

Lastly, remember that children are the passengers on this flight we call a “stepfamily” and sometimes they will feel like they are literally out of their own airspace.  They were the innocent bystanders through your divorce.  As I stated above, empathy plays a huge role in how we help them to effectively deal with their emotions, feelings and ultimately, their happiness.   Tap into their world, be conscious of their feelings and let them know you are there for them unconditionally.

Stepparents, remember this….your stepchildren may never give you what you want or need in return for your love and sacrifice for them.  Most of the time it’s not until they are an adult that they truly appreciate the role you play in their lives but I would encourage you to be patient, stay flexible, be willing to compromise and accept that your blended family life will never be perfect.  It can however succeed with all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

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Hollywood = Splitsville?

January 3, 2012 By Leave a Comment

There’s no hiding the fact that it seems like every time we  turn around we are hearing about another Hollywood couple splitting.  Unfortunately, in late 2011, we heard about the break up of Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher.  This was particularly a disappointment for me because I found them to be one of of the coolest “blended family” marriages out there.  I loved they way they were able to incorporate such a great co-parenting relationship with Bruce Willis.  I’m sure you all have heard the rumors but supposedly, Demi and Ashton’s ”open marriage” arrangement ended up going sour.

Now, this week, we hear that it is splitsville for Russell Brand and Katy Perry.  When I initially heard this, my first response was “Darn it!”  I happen to adore this couple.  However, according to Mail Online, sources close to the couple have said the couple are splitting due to Katy’s desire to put her career before having children.  Being this is a personal choice, I will say I will remain mum on the subject because, at least, they didn’t have children and then decided to divorce.

As I like to say, choice, especially in our relationships is one of the key components to making any relationship last.  If we cannot see the difference between our choices, whether good or bad, it will produce a consequence.  Unfortunately, in these two marriages, in my opinion, the stress of Hollywood made for some choices that weren’t too cohesive to their marital units.

Have a great 2012!

Diane

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Terrible Couple — Amazing Co-Parents?

October 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

We all know the statistics.  Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and more than 60% of all remarriages do the same.  We all assume our marriages start off on the right foot then over time, for whatever reason, the issues consume us and eventually sink our marriages.  Further, most couples end up in divorce court because they wait until it is too late to get the help they need in order to save it.  The feelings of resentment creep in and the couple becomes detached from one another. Unfortunately, during this time, the silent partners in the relationship, the children, suffer the most.  With that being said, there still is hope.  I know many divorced couples that are able to put their pe rsonal feelings and resentments aside for the betterment of their children and have become amazing co-parents.

When talking to my clients who are experiencing co-parent issues, the first piece of advice I like to give them is that they need to look at their situation through the eyes and perspective of their children.  Children look to their parents for their stability and support both physically and emotionally.  If you two are a mess, they will be more than a mess.  You can be great co-parents as long as you develop a good business relationship aside from your divorce.  That seems odd for most people to hear.  A business relationship?  Yes, raising healthy and stable children is meticulous.  Remember, your past marriage and your current parenting take different skill sets.  Therefore, after divorce, your feelings about your marriage need to be put aside.  Like in business, in healthy and effective co-parenting, there has to be strong commitment.  Most of you will say, ”well that’s easy….they’re my children, of course I will be committed.”  Well, I am here to tell you that when divorce is fresh, new and you are still hurting, a lot of times, that commitment to healthy co-parenting is the last thing on some folks’ mind.  I find it amazing that when a couple is married they agree on how they are going to parent their children ”together” but when divorce creeps in, they ultimately decide that must change and their parenting has to become a battle.  Seriously TMF readers, I have seen it on many occasions and most parents are in denial about it.  I’ll give you the following examples of same:

  • Ignoring phone calls or messages when the child is in your custody.
  • Common courtesy calls no longer exist (i.e., when the child is sick in your custody, you don’t inform the other parent).
  • Disparagement of the other parent occurs when the children are present.
  • Notice is not given about parent/teacher conferences or events until the last minute and the other parent is not able to attend or is not notified at all.
  • Use your children to relay messages to the other parent.
  • Discipline that one parent instituted is disregarded when the child is in your possession.

Friends, there is no rule that states that after divorce you can’t get along with your ex spouse, especially in order to co-parent your children.  Being able to co-parent effectively lessens the chance that your children will be caught in the cross-fire because of unresolved issues.  This is where I say your co-parenting relationship has to become a business relationship.  The children you created together deserve to watch you and learn and have stability.  If parents are able to realize that it’s okay to see past their own feelings in order to accomplish this for their children, they will be on their way to becoming amazing co-parents.  Remember, you  both have things to teach your children and you have to “love” your children more than you “hate or dislike” each other during the process.  Here are a few tips to get you on your way:

  • Back one another up on decisions.  If your ex has disciplined your child and your weekend or Spring break has come up, stick with the instituted discipline.  If you falter on this issue, your children will always know they can play two ends to the middle.
  • Major decisions regarding your children should always be made by both parents.
  • Respect, respect, respect.  DEMAND IT for both parents.
  • Communication is critical.
  • Our children’s feelings come first before ours.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff.  You and your ex are different.  Neither of you may not always understand the others reasoning for things.  Try not to sweat the small stuff.  Most of the time, it’s not worth an argument.
  • No parent-playing allowed.  Children are good at getting one parent or the other to “side” with them.  Communication is key with this issue.  Parents have to talk.  All children play their parents from time-to-time and when they are teens, it usually gets worse.  Your children should know that you trust the parenting skills of the other parent at all times.  This alleviates this issue 90% of the time.
  • Keep the grown up issues between the two grown ups.  Speaking in an ill manner in front of your children will only create insecure children.  Don’t disparage.  It’s not worth the damage it causes.  Remember, your children are part of the other parent just as they are a part of you.  When you disparage, they take that as an insult to them, whether they show it or not.  They love both of you.
  • Encourage each other.  Yes, not only is it possible, it is healthy for your children.  When the both of you are trying hard to co-parent effectively, appreciate one anothers efforts.

TMF readers, your children are watching you.  I cannot stress this enough.  Keeping your focus on your children after divorce sometimes means you have to be the bigger person when conflict arises.  By being able to co-parent effectively, you are not just showing your children that their mental, physical and emotional health means the world to you but you are teaching them how to handle conflict themselves which will serve them well in the future.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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