Step-parenting and Separation

It’s all over the news.  Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair.   Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated).  Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.

The media reports have been relentless.  I am sure given the situation that it must be hard to be a step-parent, and in some cases, parent to someone elses’ children, love them unconditionally, take care of them unequivocally in the absence of their parent and then, when a conflict arises such as this,  you are forced (so to speak) to separate from not only your husband or wife but the children you love and are helping to raise.  Then comes the major blow…by separating, you pretty much have no rights to your stepchildren either.  This begs the question that People Magazine asked in it’s April issue “What happens to her stepkids?”

I found myself asking myself the same question.  Sandra Bullock seems to thoroughly enjoy her role as a stepmother and loves her stepchildren unconditionally.   Her stepchildren seem to love her as well.  She stated in 2007, “My love and my want for their future….is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”  As a stepmother myself, I know the love that I have in my heart for my own stepdaughter.  I can’t imagine the thought of this happening in my life.  But, unfortunately, it is a hard true reality that we, as good step-parents, have to face upon divorce or separation.  For me, it hurts to even think about it.

It’s unfortunate that this situation had to occur, not just for Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and his children, but for the millions of step-families around the world that experience trouble in their marriages and end up in divorce.  Not only do the adults in the matter get hurt, but more importantly, the children experience pain and loss that more than likely they have already experienced when their bio parents divorced.  Some of these children, like Sandra’s stepchildren, have bonded with their step-parents only to lose out again and experience a second round of loss.

Hang in there Bullock/James family!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting

Divorced Parents on All of Us

I often watch the television show, All of Us, produced by Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith and is loosely based on their own lives. It’s about a divorced couple who is working together to raise their son. The ex-husband has a live in girlfriend, but the ex-wife does not.

If you watch the show, you will immediately pick up on the obvious double standards that exist in their co-parenting relationship. For example, the ex-wife is allowed to freely enter her ex-husband’s house, using their son’s key, whenever she likes; but, her ex-husband has to knock when he goes over to her place.  The ex-wife demands to be told what’s going on in his relationship with his long-term girlfriend (when they are getting married, when she could move in, etc), but when he asks what’s going on with her new boyfriend, she tells him that her personal life is none of his business. On another episode, the ex-wife demanded to be part of the birthday planning that her ex-husband and his girlfriend was planning for their son, but she had already had a birthday party for him, and neither her ex-husband nor his girlfriend were invited.

I realize that everything on television is not real, but Will and Jada Smith have admitted that the show is loosely based on their own stepfamily. Loosely based means that although some concepts may be exaggerated to a certain extent, something similar has happened in their own lives. Not to mention, that I’ve spoken with several divorced dads and stepmoms who also frequently complain about the double standards that exists within their stepfamilies as well.  For example,  ex-wife wants to know everything that’s going on in ex-husband’s house and relationship, but doesn’t offer and even refuses to share, information regarding her own relationship or household. Ex-wife demands to be invited to any and everything regarding the child, but doesn’t even tell ex-husband about the activities that she plans for the child. Ex-wife is adamant about having unlimited access to the child while he or she is in her ex-husband’s care, but dad’s access is very limited and strictly based on the ex-wife’s rules alone. Additionally, according to author, trailblazing researcher and psychologist, E. Mavis Hetherington, ex-wives tend to be more intrusive and remain bitter and angry for much longer than their ex-husbands, post-divorce.

All of the above information supports the claims that double standards, more often than not, exist between the ex-wife and the ex-husband. What I, along with many others, can’t understand is why they exist.  More importantly, why are these double standards continually accepted by society? Why do mothers think they have more rights than fathers who are just as involved (or at least want to be) in their child’s life?  Why does society view ex-wives who exhibit this behavior, as victims who are just in pain, or the protective mama bears who are just trying to protect their children? Why does society convince us to believe that the children need protection from a father who is fighting to be with his children?

What’s even more important than why is how? How do we change our perception of how co-parenting relationships should operate? I’ve always been an advocate of and highly encouraged healthy boundaries from the very beginning of the divorce. Having a child gives neither parent an all access pass into each others’ lives after the divorce. Neither parent needs detail regarding what’s going on in their ex-spouse’s relationships or marriage or household (unless of course it is harming the child). Furthermore, when the child is in your house, the parent caring for him or her at that time is in charge of the child. Both parents are in charge of their respective households and allowing overlap only leads to the double standards mentioned above.

Overall, it’s important to realize that you can have a great co-parenting relationship without being totally engulfed in each others’ lives.  And, fathers need to realize that they aren’t doing a disservice to their children by setting healthy boundaries for their ex-wives.  Ex-wife should not be allowed to have each foot in both her and her ex-husband’s household and vice versa. Doing so, only increases chances of resentment, conflict, miscommunication and all out war.

Jason Mesnick and Molly Melaney Wed

The Mesnicks from People Magazine

The first divorced father of the hit reality show, The Bachelor, married contestant, Molly Melaney in a rainy California ceremony on Saturday.

You might remember Jason as the bachelor who caused a lot of chaos when he initially gave his final rose to contestant Melissa Rycroft (who has since found love herself) in the season finale of The Bachelor last spring, but then changed broke off his engagement on national television to pursue Melaney instead.

Jason’s young son Tyler (Ty) was part of the ceremony as well. He ran down the aisle a minute before Molly did, and Jason said that he had a talk with him. Thirty seconds later, his blushing bride appeared on the stairs and Jason started crying.

Catch their big day on an ABC Broadcast which airs Monday night at 8 pm. The first ever Bachelor couple to wed and on national television.

We wish this modern family the best of luck!

How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce?

I have talked to many children and adult children of divorce over the past several years. Although I am not an adult child of divorce, all of my mom and my dad’s siblings have been divorced at least once so I am used to the blended/stepfamily.  Additionally, my husband is a product of divorce and his first marriage ended in divorce as well.

Recently, I had a series of conversations with my cousins, who are sisters (half, whole and step) in the same stepfamily, about divorce and their blended family.  They said that they never wished their birth parents to be back together again because it would have been a disaster.  My husband has also told me that he asked his mom to get a divorce when he was a mere 8 years old. I was watching Real Housewives of Orange County last week and two sisters (teenage high school students) were having a conversation about how they didn’t think their parents were right for each other and should get a divorce.

About a year ago, I did a study, surveying 13 children and adult children of divorce about their experience with divorce and none of them ever said that they wanted their parents to be back together again. They did express that they wanted their parents to get along, not put them in the middle of their squabbles, be consistent with drop off and pick up and flexible with visitation arrangements (especially as they got older). However, they never said that they wished their parents would spend more time together, take family vacations with them, have weekly dinners with them and overall, alter their reality regarding the divorce in order to help them cope. As a matter of fact, over half  of them said that it would have only confused them all the more.

This confirms that often times, parents react to their inability to effectively deal with the changes of divorce and impose those feelings onto their children. It’s completely understandable because as parents, you never dreamed of breaking up your child’s “happy” home. However, parents must first ask themselves, “was our home really that happy?” They assume that children know less than what we give them credit for and just because they were having problems, doesn’t mean their children were aware. I’ve said it many times before, however, children are much more aware than we give them credit for. And instead of doing your best to alter their reality by still playing house even though you’re divorced, consider the fact that your children just might not have been happy with that arrangement in the first place.

What children need in order to cope with divorce is the support of both parents as their parents, not as a couple. At this point, their world is going to change enough as it is and they rely on their parents to minimize confusion by being clear and consistent. If you are divorced, then be divorced and you can still get along without vacationing or sharing weekly dinners together. Showing your children that you are making an effort to repair your relationship at this point only confuses them. Many of them begin to wonder why you could not have done this while you were married as opposed to doing so after the divorce. I know many divorced parents who practice such rituals will become defensive and say things like, “it’s much easier to do when you are no longer married because you don’t have to live with each other,” or “just because we do these things doesn’t mean that we are trying to show are children that we are getting back together.” But remember, it’s not about how easier it is for you or what you are trying to show your children. It’s what you ARE showing them that matters.

By that same token, your children don’t need you to act a complete fool either! The main thing that children in my study as well as author and therapist, Constance Ahron’s study, expressed is that children want minimal conflict and don’t want to be in the middle of their parents’ battles.  They don’t want to be prevented from having a relationship with either parent. They desire flexibility with visitation and unlimited access to either parent. Most importantly, they want to be kept informed of changes that will affect them and they want consistency with drop off and pick up times.

Parents, you don’t have to go to the extreme to provide the above-mentioned for your children. You can do things like simply being on time with drop off and pick up. So many parents show up an hour or more late and assume that it doesn’t matter to their children. It does, so be on time, every time, unless a valid circumstance prevents you from doing so, and if it does, communicate that to your children. You can also quit using your kids as messengers because you just can’t stand talking to each other. You can get along by being cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick up and at school and extra curricular activities. You can make every effort to be on the same page and provide consistency for your children by creating a co-parenting plan that outlines rules and expectations of your children, and then presenting a unified front when it comes to enforcing those rules. All of these things will show your children that although mom and dad are divorced, we are still your parents; we just aren’t a couple any longer.

Below are some do’s and don’ts of divorce to make the transition clearer and smoother for your children.

Do’s

1. Be very clear that the decision is final and irreversible.
2. Reassure them that you both will continue to co-parent them to the best of your abilities; and that they will continue to have a relationship with both parents.
3. Make it clear that you BOTH agree that when they are with mom, they need to follow the rules of her house; and when they are with dad, they need to follow the rules of his house.
4. The non-custodial parent should make a home for his or her children so they don’t feel like visitors. Keep some of their things (clothes, shoes, favorite toys, etc) at your house, so that it feels like home at both parents’ houses.
5. Make sure they remain connected to both sides of the extended family.
6. Be cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick and at school and extra curricular activities.
7. Remain a parent and never reverse the role out of guilt. Children of divorce still need expectations, rules and consequences! Creating these boundaries actually helps to bring back that sense of normalcy.
8. Take care of yourself and your own emotions regarding the divorce without affecting your children. Be advised that they are only likely to handle the divorce as well as you handle it yourself!

Don’ts

1. Don’t use your children as messengers because you can’t stand talking to each other. This only puts them in the middle of your mess and creates loyalty binds.
2. Don’t rely on your children as support to get you through your divorce. Don’t cry on their shoulders. They need you to be strong and to be their parents so that they can still be children. They are not your therapists.
3. Don’t allow the children to dictate the terms of each visitation. While it’s okay to be flexible if a child wants to go to a friend’s birthday party or has an important project to work on and therefore wants to stay at their primary residence; they should never be allowed to forfeit visitation because they are mad at the other parent.
4. Don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.
5. Don’t ask children to be your spies on the other parent and then interrogate them as soon as they walk through the door from the other parent’s house.
6. Don’t create monsters by inflating their status and giving them more authority or control than they need as children. For example, your 10 year old son is not the “man of the house” now. He’s not a man; he’s a child, and the distinction between parent and child must always be adhered to. Never reverse that role out of guilt.
7. Don’t fall into the “funhouse syndrome” by becoming the disneyland parent and making it a party every time your children come to visit. This actually helps to decrease their respect for you as a parent. The reality is that if their parents had stayed together, every day wouldn’t be a party. Maintain a sense of normalcy by creating a healthy balance for your children. Sure it’s okay to have a good time sometimes, but they also need to be doing some chores at your house, too.
8. Don’t create a crutch for your children by telling them that they can or allowing them to get away with any and everything because they are hurting due to the divorce. If you feed children this excuse, trust me, they will use it well into adulthood. Give them permission to feel the way that they do regarding the changes, listen to them and be understanding BUT don’t tolerate disrespectful or rude behavior towards you, the other parent and/or a step-parent - EVER!

Divorce - Who Needs Furniture?

An excerpt from the book, Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway?

I never would have thought it could happen to me. I have spent endless days evaluating the things that has brought me to this moment of truth. I am going through a divorce. I am single again. What was a ten year investment has crashed like the economy and I find myself handed a pink slip reminding me that I am no longer needed for my services. I am beyond crying I am shell shocked, as I look at her boxes as they fill a home that was designed for us. I flip channels on the TV because I can only assume that this is a romantic movie and somehow the love and romance will soon spark and somehow it will be fixed. Needless to say that time never came as I still get caught in ignoring the world around me as it is packed away. I sit and sip wine as if you were still sitting here. Only to remind myself that it was only my imagination, that you have never sat next to me. Feeling disgusted that i am caught dreaming about a dream. Dreaming of a world by which two people are in love with the thought of being in love. That we both live in a world of us and and everything else is just in it. That time never arrived as the movers have pulled up to the house. I was naive to the warning signs. That this marriage was long over, I guess when communication was like having a business meeting and sex was like an appointment, that just might be a sign that the relationship is over. However, I loved as If I was blind. While the movers start loading the truck.

We sit and talk for the last time, civil like friends. Reflect on the good times you wish me the best and I tell you I hope you find the happiness you could not find in me. Then we both agree that our little girl would stay with me and we will raise her together. Then Bobby the mover asked are you about ready. You nod with a yes. We hug for the last time. I walk you to the door I wave as you get into your car and drive away. As I locked the door, an epiphany in my heart arose that I was locking a door to season of my life that was over. That my life at this point would forever be different. The way I look at my life, love, and relationships will forever be changed.

I cry because I feel free to love again, but I am nervous about starting over again. Optimistic about the new life that I will design for me and my child, nevertheless scared of failure. Wanting to date but stuck with 1993 pick up lines. I have a swag that is unbelievable but I will not play games. Wanting to get my groove on but I am stuck reading bedtime stories and watching Hannah Montana. Refuse to parent from a cell phone as I try to start my life over again. Have to get my hustle on but the daycare close at 5:30 and bedtime is at 8. My parents say I doing a good job, I said that this is all their fault. That they cursed me, that all they have ever taught me was how to be married, I don’t know how to be single. I would have never thought that this would be apart of my journey. Who would have ever thought that Love would have to learn how to love again . What the hell, who needs furniture anyway. She left me with a TV and the Nintendo Wii.

Antonio Love is a recently divorced father who is currently raising his daughter. He is also the author of Talking What Ya Want and Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway. For more information on Antonio Love and his movement, please visit www.antoniolove.com.

Can divorced parents be friends?

I was at the gym the other day and happened to see a woman and a man that I know are divorced. My husband just finished coaching their son and he would often bring his fiance to the games. So imagine my surprise when I saw them walk in and work out together. It sparked a very important question and one that I am acutally asked quite often; can or should you be friends with your ex-spouse? My answer is always that each situation is different. Sometimes it’s healthy, but sometimes it’s harmful!

There are many factors that should be considered when continuing or forming a friendship (not just being friendly) with your ex-spouse. For starters, it could raise a host of trust and jealousy issues between you and your current spouse. Secondly, one must consider their motivation for wanting to be friends with his or her ex-spouse. Is it because you sincerely want to be better parents or because you’re just afraid of letting go? Do you desire to make his or her current partner jealous or is it a true friendship that you share with your ex-spouse? These are all questions that you should ask yourself about your friendship with your ex-spouse.

Be advised that the appropriate boundaries must be drawn in order to maintain a friendship with the ex. An outside observer of your relationships should be able to tell which one is the current and which one is the ex. As such, you should never be more honest with your ex-spouse than your current partner; discussing feelings of intimacy, problems with your current relationship, etc. Additionally, if you find yourself turning to your ex-spouse for advice or help rather than your current spouse, then it is likely that your friendship with your ex-spouse is unhealthy. It is also important that your current spouse be comfortable with your friendship with your ex. If you are constantly fighting with your current spouse about your friendship with your ex, then you need t consider which relationship is most important to you.

My husband’s ex-wife wanted very much to be “friends” with my husband however; she crossed the line on many occasions. She called him late at night, turned to him for EVERY problem that she had even though she had a long time boyfriend at the time. Additionally, she would call my house and not even say, “hi, how are you?” These types of actions are not only unhealthy, but disrespectul to the current spouse or girlfriend.

On the other hand, if you and your ex-spouse share a genuine friendship that is guided by healthy boundaries, then I don’t see why you can’t be friends. For example, if your ex-spouse respects your current relationship and can be friends with you BOTH, then it’s a healthy friendship that you share.  Additionally, neither of you should have a hidden agenda; whether it’s making the current spouse jealous or one of you still have strong feelings for the other.

My ex and I had a friendship when we were both single. We talked on the phone, had dinner together, helped each other in our time of need, but it stopped when he remarried. I would NEVER disrespect his current spouse in that manner or make her feel uncomfortable with our friendship. The only way I would ever allow our friendship to continue is if we could ALL be friends with each other; me, my husband, my ex and his wife. There is no reason why I need to share a relationship, other than co-parenting, with my ex that is independent of my marriage.

Overall, you should know that these types of genuine friendships between divorced parents rarely exist. Usually, it’s a situation where one or the other just can’t let go and that can be detrimental to all of your relationships that follow the one you shared with your ex-spouse. As such, it’s crucial  that you understand when it is healthy and how to maintain a friendship with your ex AND you BOTH must be on the same page in order for it to work. Establish the appropriate boundaries, make sure that your ex-spouse doesn’t still have feelings for you and consider your own motivation for wanting to be friends with your ex.

What about you BFSO readers? Are any of you still friends with your ex-spouse?

Shar Jackson and K’Fed putting the kids first- even Brittney’s!

This story was first published by Sassy on babble.

Shar Jackson and Kevin Federline may not be suited for each other in the romance department since they’re no longer together but that doesn’t mean they don’t get along and put their children first.

Jackson and Federline have 2 children together, Kori, 5, and Kaleb, 3 and we all know who else K’Fed has children with. Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, get to spend time with their half siblings and get to bond with them.  Both Kevin and Shar think that’s important.  Shar says that she and Kevin get along great and that she even helps out with Britney’s boys.  “We definitely make sure the kids all bond together,” Jackson told reporters Tuesday night at EA’s Launch For The Need For Speed Game in L.A. “I mean, they’re siblings, they need each other.  We’re not together or anything but we’re definitely still a family unit,” says Jackson, the ex Moesha cast member.  You know, I really give them credit, even Federline, for putting the needs of their children first and foremost.

Jackson continues, “Honestly, we’re like the best of friends. Obviously, the relationship didn’t work out for a reason, and we’re cool with that. But we’re still a part of each other’s lives. And our children get to see two people who aren’t together but still have a great relationship, and I think that’s really important.”  Too bad Britney couldn’t figure this stuff out. 

And Shar gives Kevin alot of credit in the parenting department and says she trusts him completely with their children: “I know he’s in a good place,” she says, “the kids are in a good place, and I made sure from day one – I told him, ‘You make sure you have our children.’ ”

Jackson said that she and Kevin don’t really talk about the “Britney stuff” because it would be a “non-stop” conversation, so they just focus on other, more important things-the kids!  At least Sean and Jayden have some stability in their little lives!

Photo source:WireImage

Team Family…by Tiya Sumter

Three Strategies Needed to Win

When a blended family is created sometimes wounds, baggage and a fear of not getting it right may come along with that. Being a product of a blended family, I placed certain expectations on my dad (he remarried). If he couldn’t get it right with my mom, he’d better show me (in this other relationship) why he chose to my step-mother instead. What I learned from that experience (it’s been 30+ years now) is that in order to make it work, we have to make sure everyone is taken care of, that everyone feels equally loved. It helps when the family spends quality time together developing bonds and coming to the realization that they are al on the same team. Here are some great ways to build up that team, we’ll call “Team Family.”

1. Family Mission Statement includes the goals and plans you have for your family. Each member must contribute. It is critical that everyone feels included and confident that their thoughts, feelings and opinions matter. Also included are the roles and importance that each member holds in the family and what you want your family to represent. A peaceful home, one filled with joy and fun, happiness and plenty of love are all wonderful goals to aim for. Whatever your primary goal is as a family, each member’s actions should reflect that mission. It is okay to refer back to the statement from time to time as a reminder of what the family said was important. After you amicably create your mission statement, it’s time to start planning. The plans for your family should encompass the vacations and activities you want to enjoy together. A fair way to plan is to alternate, have children pick the vacation one year and the parents, the next year.
2. Family Fun Nights Making family night a ritual in your home is a must. Family night can include games, cooking contests, living room sleepovers, dance contests, movie watch and review nights and much more. Just taking the time, turning off the television and computer to just talk is extremely effective for building a strong team. Be open and think outside the box when planning your family fun night. One more great option for a blended family is the get to know you game. Asking general questions, such as who’s afraid of spiders or whose favorite color is green is a great way to see how well the family knows one another. Have each family member anonymously put down a few random facts about themselves, place them in a hat and allow each member to pull one out and guess which person it is. This works well with families that have older children.
3. Always Consider The Team. Working together is what keeps the team strong. Always communicate with one another on how you can make your family better. Let the children speak up and share what they can contribute to the success of the family with the parents sharing the same. Ask yourself what you can personally do to add (that joy, peace and happiness…refer to your mission statement) to your family. Remember, actions do speak louder than words. Show true team family spirit and teamwork with every action. Each family member’s energy and positive attitude are necessary to “Team Family.” When you are on the same team, working and planning together will definitely help you reach your ultimate goal…”Winning.”

Tiya Sumter is a Certified Life and Relationship coach and owner of Life Editing. Her belief is that all of our lives tell a story and it is up to us which story our lives will tell. Her methods involve teaching her clients how to recognize what’s not working in their lives and/or relationships and removing those negative thoughts and behaviors that frequently block us from living the lives that we want. It’s about creating a life story that reads exactly how it would read, if you wrote it yourself. To learn more about Tiya and her practice please visit www.lifeediting.com.

What the children want you to know about relationships with their fathers

A relationship between a father and child is just as important as a relationship between mother and child after the divorce. It’s no secret that relationships with fathers and children seemingly deteriorate post-divorce. After speaking with many fathers and witnessing my own husband’s anguish as a result of seeing his relationship diminish between him and his son; I now know that there are definitely two sides to every story, and every divorced dad is not irresponsible or disinterested. There are many obstacles that a father can and often does face when trying to maintain a positive relationship with his child. The constant conflict about child support, an ex-wife’s anger and/or parental alienation, maternal bias in court and much more, sometimes makes it impossible for fathers to maintain healthy relationships with their children. Through it all, once again, the individuals who suffer the most are the children. As such, they have something to say about their relationships with their fathers.

The results were taken from that same study in the last ‘what children want you to know’ article (read it to gain clarity). When both adult and minor children, of all ages, were asked about their relationships with their fathers, they had the following to say.

Remarriage

Some felt as if their relationships with their fathers had deteriorated since the divorce and were unequivocally upset about it. Blame came in all variations; from the divorce itself, to a remarriage, to the father, to a stepmother to new stepsiblings.  Often times children feel as if they are being replaced when their father remarries. Therefore, it is essential that fathers are allowed to continue to foster their relationship with their children post-divorce. It is equally imperative that fathers continue to put forth the effort to do so.  When a divorced dad remarries, jealously is to be expected. If it’s expected, then it won’t catch you off guard and you can deal with it before it gets out of hand. It is essential that you make your bio-children feel like they are apart of the family, as well as make them feel as if they are still important and special to you. If your bio-children don’t live with you, be sure to maintain regular contact with them. Call them regularly, send a little gift (it doesn’t have to be expensive, it can be a card) to remind me that you’re still there for them and that you love them. Sometimes, bio-children need some alone time as well. I know firsthand how difficult it can be to achieve this when there are step-children involved. A father must consider how sensitive the situation is for ALL of the children involved. However, an easy solution is to spend time alone with your bio-children when your step-children are visiting their bio-parent or extended family. At one point in my own blended family, my husband, sons and I sat down and scheduled date nights that consisted of alone time with both of our children and each other. Our children were happy to be apart of the arrangement, knew what to expect and therefore, didn’t feel the least bit slighted when each got their alone time. Children often times just want to be included (when possible) in on the decision making process that undoubtedly affects them in some way.

Another group actually blamed their fathers for the deteroriation in their relationship after the divorce. This group of older children reported that financial and lifestyle changes often dictated their decision to erase their fathers from their lives. Most went from houses to apartments, had to help take care of siblings because their moms had to work extra jobs to make ends meet and often witnessed their mothers’ anguish about finances. All while their remarried dad was living it up with the new family. They couldn’t understand why step-mom got to sport designer bags and clothing, live in elaborate homes and drive the finest cars, but they (his children) had to worry about money to sign up for cheerleading, basketball or other extra curricular activities. Or why their mom couldn’t afford shoes or clothing. HIS wife and their children weren’t suffering, so why should they have to? It just didn’t make sense to them, and as a result, they just wrote their fathers off altogether.

Fathers pay your child support! Just as much as your children deserve relationships with both parents, they also deserve to be financially supported by both parents as well. It is okay if you choose to get remarried, have more children and/or even father someone else’s, but don’t forget about those that you left behind. As a matter of fact, they should never be left behind; they are your children! Your children should always feel as if they can count on you, in every sense of the word.

Some of the group blamed their mothers for the change in their relationships with their fathers; claiming that their mothers’ words and fathers’ actions never seemed to add up. Their mothers would tell them or imply that their fathers’ didn’t care about them anymore, but their fathers were calling them every night (if they weren’t allowed to see them, for whatever reason), telling them how much he loved and missed them. When this group of children were allowed, usually via court intervention, to have relationships with their fathers, they quickly realized that the person that their mothers’ described was not that person at all. Most of this group was able to reconnect with their fathers when their mothers’ interaction was no longer necessary.

Some of the group members’ relationships got better after the divorce. This is the portion of the group that was allowed to maintain regular, equal contact with their fathers; spending two days a week and every other weekend with dad. I must also note that the parents of this group cooperated to co-parent their children effectively.  Even when mom, dad or both remarried, the childrens’ relationships with either parent seemed to go unscathed. These children often viewed their step-parents and step or half siblings as an added bonus rather than a threat.

Limited Contact Doesn’t Necessarily Mean Losing the Relationship

There were some children who could not see their fathers as regularly as they wanted to. Often times this was due to distance; either mom or dad moving away due to a job or remarriage. However, a portion of these children didn’t feel any less connected to their fathers as a result. These children were apart of their dad’s life, had unlimited access to their fathers and felt completely loved by their fathers. Their fathers made it perfectly clear that they were interested in their lives and wanted their children to be apart of their lives. They called them consistently and inquired about school grades and activities. This group managed to have close relationships with their dads despite the distance.  As a result, it isn’t always true that fathers who have limited contact with their children will totally lose their relationships.

In conclusion, maintaining a relationship with dad post-divorce calls for cooperation on both mom and dad’s part. Mothers should never prevent their children from having a relationship with their father due to their own issues. In the longrun, it only creates more issues for the children. Mothers are in a position to either help facilitate contact or make it very very difficult. It’s unfortunate that most choose the latter because these children all agreed that consistent contact is beneficial in maintaining that emotional bond that they long for with their fathers. And fathers should never give up on maintaining relationships with their children because it gets a little difficult. Although you may have to modify your relationship with your children; it doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to develop meaningful relationships with them just because they don’t reside with you full-time, or as much as you’d like.  Make good use of email, cell phones, online photos and even webcams to communicate consistently with your children. Your relationships with them and your children will be better as a result.

The Second Wife’s Perspective

It is so hard to put into words what I felt when I read J’s entry below because I feel the same way and more. Although, I know that many of you reading this blog  might think “Wow, that is too good to be true…..they must be making this up.” But, we’re not. I have often heard from co-workers and even other friends of mine that my relationship with my husband’s ex-wife is odd, peculiar, too close for comfort and even weird. That how could I be best friends with my husband’s ex-wife. Some of you may be thinking the same way. My answer to all of these is this…. Why shouldn’t we? I think other people are the weird, peculiar and odd ones to NOT have a good relationship with their current husband’s ex, especially when there are children involved. I believe that a lot of mothers and step-mothers have insecurity problems and that is the root to a lot of broken marriages and failed friendships. For those of you who try hard to establish good relationships with your husband’s ex’s or current wife with no good return, then that is the other person’s loss, for sure, but keep trying. No good deed goes unnoticed in the eyes of God.

In our case, I couldn’t be more proud of the relationship that J and I have. Before my husband and I married, we all decided to be on one accord - one family. As we often say, “We don’t do steppers in our family.”  The most important person between the four of us is our daughter. She is the most caring, loving, kind-hearted little girl that I have ever met, and all of those qualities are a reflection of her mother. She is the exact same way. Our daughter has 2 little sisters by way of her mother’s current marriage. Those girls are my girls too, and I don’t care what people say. If you don’t get anything out of our story, get this….CHILDREN LIVE WHAT THEY LEARN. I believe we are teaching and bringing them up the way God would want us to. We are showing them that just because divorce has been one part of their lives; it doesn’t have to ruin their lives or their relationships with their parents and step-parents. Step-parents don’t have to be the enemy and our daughter doesn’t have to be pulled between us or feel guilty for loving all of us. I know that I am not her mother. I know that I would never ever try to fill those shoes. But, I also know that I am what God wants me to be in her life, and I will be there for her as a standing rock to which she can depend on, no matter what. I will always do what is best for her. I believe if mothers and step-mothers will allow themselves to open up and know these things about one another, they too can have what we have. Of course, there are those few crackpots out there that shouldn’t have children or be around children and those we cannot change, only pray for.

I have three boys. Two of which are over 18 and one who is 9. When I was pregnant with my nine year old, I lost my children’s biological father/my husband in a motorcycle accident. God led me to move away to a new city to start my life anew. I met my current husband when my little boy was 8 months old. We didn’t marry until he was 5.  Although my son knows that his biological father lives in Heaven, he has only known my current husband to be daddy. My step-daughter is only 14 months older than my little boy so they are very close. I used to worry in the beginning that she would feel like my son gets her daddy all the time and she doesn’t. My worries were for nothing. She shares her daddy with an open heart and open arms. She is so unselfish. She is the big sister that my little boy needed. She watches out for him just as she does her own little sisters at home. She is a brilliant young lady and God has DIVINELY blessed me by putting her in my life.

I came from a broken home. My parents were selfish at times for whatever reasons, i.e., my dad was young and my mom was bitter. They divorced when I was 6 years old.  I will never forget my father seeing us off at the airport in Alaska because my mom was taking us to live with my grandparents in Atlanta, and he was crying while waving goodbye.  My dad later married a lady named Carol and she was a horrible step-mother. She emotionally battered me from the time summer started until the day it ended. It may not have seemed that bad to my Dad but, his mind was clouded. To a 10 year old, however, it was more than bad, it was horrific!  Needless to say, the last time I saw her was thankfully that summer when I was ten.  She only thought about herself and not the children she was affecting. She would say bad things about my mother, she was abusive and she made it clear that my father was her husband and now her childrens’ step-father.  We were just visitors and she made sure we knew it.  She caused a lot of the kind of drama that I see happening all the time in my adult life with my other friends who are divorced, and some of you readers have experienced the same.  THANK THE LORD IN HEAVEN, my dad divorced her but unfortunately, my mom alienated us from my dad after that, and I didn’t see him again until I was in the 8th grade. However, in my mother’s defense, she was doing that with the premise that she was protecting us and always did the best job she could.  So, I can relate to a lot of issues that children of divorced parents go through.  A shining light, however, is that my dad married a wonderful woman years later, named Dean, and I now have a step-mother that I cherish.  She is a strong woman and has taught me a lot about being a step-mother.  She is a quiet teacher.  She let us come to her on our own terms and didn’t force herself on us.  That was a great lesson and one that I implement with my step-daughter.  I vowed that if I ever had a step-child, I would NEVER become that kind of person like Carol.  I never want my step-daughter to ever feel about me the way I felt about Carol.

You know, I guess my final words would be that I hope our story has inspired some of you moms and step-moms, dads and step-dads to do your best to try to make your children’s lives better instead of more complicated. It’s all about RESPECT. I respect my step-daughter’s mother and her husband. I respect my husband. I respect MYSELF and by all of us having respect for one another, it makes life for all of us less confusing and teaches our children humility.  Most importantly, if our children ever become step-parents one day they will have a great example to go by.

I am not saying that our family’s road map doesn’t have bumps and bruises along the way. We aren’t perfect. There are times when we disagree, but work really hard to see each others’ point of view.

I guess I also would say try not to judge so harshly if you are a step-mother or a current wife of a man who has an ex-wife or baby’s mama. Try to put yourself in her shoes and see through her eyes. How would you want your children treated, if you were in the same situation? How would you want to be treated? If you are an ex-wife of a man who is remarried and you two share a child together, don’t automatically think that the new wife has to be the enemy. She will be the one taking care of your children when you aren’t around. How you see her in your eyes means more than you think it does. She can really end up being an ally, a comrade to you. She may even end up being your best friend……Be blessed.

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