Camille Grammer on Divorce

Camille Grammer - Photo Credit:Newscom

I am a reality television junkie. Yep, I admit it. I’ll watch anything from 19 Kids and Counting to Little People, Big World to Basketball Wives. One of my favorite reality series is the Real Housewives of…Atlanta, New Jersey, Orange County, New York and most recently, Beverly Hills. Due to my busy schedule I don’t always get to watch them when they come on, but I DVR them to watch later.

Yesterday, I got an opportunity to catch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and heard Camille Grammer talk about her separation from actor, Kelsey Grammer. She actually brought up some really important points that I’m sure most divorced moms can relate to. She explained how tough her job as a mom was because the kids are asking her all the questions about when daddy is coming home and Kelsey doesn’t have to help answer them because he’s not there. She went on to explain that she has to struggle to put on a happy face for them, but Kelsey basically just goes on with his life as usual. How many of my divorced moms/ex-wives/mothers can relate to what Camille is saying?I spend a lot of time talking about support for stepmothers and don’t get me wrong because I do think there just isn’t enough. However, as a woman who is also a mother/ex I do think that ex-wives/mother in Camille’s position can use a bit of understanding and  patience.

Oftentimes, as Camille has stated, the mother has to field all the when, why, what, and how questions while trying to figure them out herself. She has to think about how to tell her children that mommy and daddy aren’t going to be together anymore. She has to figure out how she’s going to support her children on one or even no (for mothers who were stay at home moms for years) income and she has to find some time to grieve for the lost of a family she thought she’d have forever. It’s frustrating and ridiculously overwhelming to do. And although dad may pop in every now and then to lend support, mom is the one who has to be there all the time, putting on that happy face and helping her children through the divorce. Although I don’t condone extreme behavior such as alienating your children from their father, bad-mouthing their father to them, or using them as pawns, I do understand certain irrational behavior that a mother might do simply because she is completely overwhelmed. Just think about the times that you have a million and one things running around in your head- you just got laid off and have to figure out how to live off  of one (your spouse’s) or no income; the furnace just broke; you just found out your oldest needs braces and a relative is very ill. But, you still have to take the kids to dance class, help with homework, answer their curious questions, smile AND figure out what your next move will be. Do you always use good judgement when you are overwhelmed with issues and important decisions to make? Can the slightest little thing cause you to breakdown when you already feel as if you’ve reached your breaking point? I’m raising my hand over here!

With the exception of the high conflict divorce cases, many issues with an understandably resentful ex-wife can be dealt with if dealt with in the right way. Below are some tips to help you take your co-parenting relationship from rocky to amicable.

  1. Verbalize your understanding – One of the things my ex eventually did was to change his language. Instead of being accusatory, he began to express that he understood my position and just wanted to find a way to amicably work together.
  2. Don’t react to everything – Every thing doesn’t warrant an adverse reaction. Appropriately respond to allegations or issues when necessary, but don’t escalate a battle by feeding into her frenzy.
  3. Diffuse the situation – To piggyback on number 2, practice diffusing the situation when you can. If she is heated about something that you feel is no big deal, act like it’s no big deal. Don’t yell just because she’s yelling at you. If she sends a nasty email, don’t respond with nastiness. Throw her off by giving a response that she did not expect and watch how that situation transforms.
  4. Set clear boundaries – Don’t be fickle. At this point, everyone needs clear boundaries. If totally integrating her into your new life isn’t your desire, be clear about that early on. Let her know that you respect her as the mother of your children and want her to always be part of their lives but you wish to limit your relationship regarding the children to things that can’t be split in two (school functions, recitals, graduation ceremonies, weddings, etc.).
  5. Talk about it – One of the best things that my ex and I did/do was/is to talk through our issues when we were/are not in a heated battle. We sat down either by ourselves, or with our respective spouses to talk about moving forward as a synergistic unit. Talking, along with the above-mentioned tips, will help to create a more amicable situation if BOTH parties are active participants.

Divorce takes everyone for an emotional rollercoaster ride and it’s important that everyone on the ride practices some patience, understanding, effective communication and are committed to maintaining civility for the sake of the children. It is much easier to keep all this in mind before your situation gets out of control.

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LeAnn Rimes Controversial Shape Magazine Cover

shapeleeann

credit: Shape Magazine

The October issue of Shape Magazine generated tons of press, but apparently, not for the right reasons. In it, country singer LeAnn Rimes opens up about why she cheated on former husband, Dean Sheremet with actor Eddie Cibrian, who was also married at the time. She also talks about how she used fitness to get her through that difficult time in life.

“My relationship with Dean was great, but ultimately it wasn’t a fulfilling marriage for either of us,” Rimes, 28, told the mag. “I understand why people are disappointed in me, especially since I grew up as America’s sweetheart.”

So why is the editor-in-chief of Shape so up in arms? Apparently, the magazine received some backlash from readers for putting her on the cover. In an email to subscribers, she [editor-in-chief] explained that she regrets the terrible mistake she made in deciding to put the country singer on the cover.

“You are all in good company (why I’m emailing you all together). As you all agree, Shape has made a terrible mistake in putting LeAnn Rimes on the cover.”

“Please know that our putting her on the cover was not meant to put a husband-stealer on a pedestal-but to show (through her story) how we all are human. And this woman in particular found strength in exercise in what she said was her most difficult personal moment.”

“But it did not come across that way…And for that I’m terribly sorry. I hope that we can do better the next time for those of you that will give us another chance.”

My Commentary on the Issue: Personally, I don’t agree with cheating. I just don’t get the point. If you no longer want to be married to your spouse, just tell him or her. Why do you have to cheat? Some say it’s about having your cake and eating it too; but, if that were the case, why do some leave their spouses to be with the other woman or man? I also don’t get the whole concept of “stealing” someone’s husband. Can you really steal a husband if he doesn’t want to go? Why is it that society always has to blame the other woman? After all, your husband is the one who ignored his vows and cheated. The “other woman” owes you nothing. But that’s neither here nor there. What I will say is that NO ONE – not Shape, not USA Today, not Huffington Post, Perez Hilton or any other media outlet knows the true story. We don’t know what was going in Rimes’ marriage or Cibrian’s marriage prior to them becoming a couple. As a  writer/blogger, I can see covering the story and I can see why people want to read it, but to judge her moral character based on something you know nothing about is wrong. I’m not saying she’s right or wrong. I’m saying I don’t know what truly happened. I do know what’s done is done, there are two children involved, and I’m sure all of them would be able to work it out much better without all the unsolicited opinions.

I wish all of them (Rimes, Cibrian and his ex-wife) luck in working this out, to the best of their ability, while minimizing the damage to the children.

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Dad’s: Stop Wallowing in Guilt!

guiltydadParenting from guilt can be considered one of the seven deadly sins of the blended family and remarriage.  Knowing that the adult problem of divorce affects not just our lives but that of our children, is not only discomforting, but heartbreaking.   When a woman divorces, she more than likely becomes a single-parent overnight.  As a result, it seems as if she turns on a mechanism that doesn’t have time to cater to the effects of guilt feelings right away, due to the fact that she has to put on and wear several hats at once.  Single moms are actually encouraged to put guilt aside and avoid blaming themselves.  However, with most of my male clients, I see the “guilt parenting” from the start.  In fact, most men that I meet that are divorced say the same thing…”My children don’t live with me so when they are with me, I overcompensate for not being there on a daily basis.”  So, essentially, most fall into the trap of being a “Disneyland Dad” and/or they allow negative thoughts to consume their feelings which in turn causes them to hazardly parent their children.  They believe that by “doing” things with their children instead of actually “being” with their children it will make up for their daily absence in their lives.  WRONG!  The myth that a non-custodial parent has to pack every single minute of the time they share with their children with fun activities and/or by giving or buying them things actually does more harm than good.  Dads….your children need a father not a playmate.  They need a structured environment, not a funhouse.  They need you to parent without guilt.

Loving our children doesn’t mean that as divorced parents, everything is always going to be hunky dorey.  We don’t prove to our children that we love them by showering them with gifts every other weekend or spoiling them beyond comprehension.  When we do this, our children equate “love” with “things.”  More importantly, loving our children means disciplining them when their behavior isn’t favorable (whether that be due to blended family issues or any concerning issue for that matter).  Many times, many non-custodial parents (and some custodial parents) will not hold their children accountable for their behavior, especially when there is a step-parent in the home which in turn sends destructive mixed signals to the children. 

Often times, Dads try too hard to protect their children from the issues that ultimately they will have to face as a child of divorce.  Albeit natural, we all want to protect our children from pain, but at the same time, we cannot brush problems under the rug and believe they will simply go away.  By doing this, they are not allowing their children nor themselves to heal from the wounds divorce creates in the first place.  With the guilt, they over-protect, which is a lot of the time to the detriment of the mental well-being of their new wives, their children and themselves as well.  As Dr. Wednesday Martin has said about divorce…”when unions dissolve, children do suffer.”  My advice would be “why make them suffer more by pushing them into “poor Dad or poor Mom” mode? 

Parents, let’s be realistic.  We make mistakes and some of our mistakes are big ones!  NO parent is perfect.  Looking back on my 23 years of parenting, I know I have some guilt.  Heck, I can’t blame anyone but myself for some of my errors.  However, if we wallow in the guilt of our past mistakes, it hampers our ability to parent effectively.  Plain and simple, there are no easy answers to parenting.  It’s all about trial and error and making the best of the situation we have at hand.  

Parents, children equate love with discipline, structure, boundaries and the love that we show them on a daily basis, not by the “things” we do with or buy for them.   For example, making them respect their step-parent at all times is huge.  This teaches them unity, love and respect.  If you allow discord, you teach discord.  If you allow unruliness, you teach unruliness.  In other words, if you teach what it really means to parent effectively by showing love and respect, they will always find and implement that in their own lives.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Laurence Fishburne’s Daughter is a Porn Star?

72466440NO003_nationalActor Laurence Fishburne’s 18 year old daughter, Montana Fishburne, will release her first X-rated DVD later this month.

Montana is a daughter from his previous marriage. He and his former wife, former actress and now personal trainer, Hajna Moss-Fishburne, divorced when Montana was two year’s old. However, Montana assures us that it wasn’t a troubled childhood of any sort that led her into the world of porn; instead, it was simply her love for sex.

In an E! News interview with Giuliana Rancic, she explained that after losing her virginity at age 16, she realized that she loved to express her sexuality and finds it very liberating to do so.  She also says that like Kim Kardashian (although Kim did not want her sex tape released), she isn’t using her new DVD to break into show business. She just loves sex.

“I think it was just wanting to explore sexuality,” she added. “Cause I know it’s such a big world I was just like, wow, well since I like sex … I wanted to see everything that I would like, every kind of fantasy I would like and porn is a way that I could explore that,”  she explained.

Montana also stated that although her mom wasn’t necessarily excited about the idea and expressed worry and concern for her, she supports her decision and just wants what’s best for her. Her dad, Laurence, on the other hand will not return her phone calls.

Laurence Fishburne is best known for his role as Furious Styles, in the 1990′s hit movie Boyz in the Hood and for his role as Morpheus in the Matrix. He has been remarried to actress, Gina Torres, who plays Dr. Dorothy Rand on the new show, Huge, since 2002. They share one child together.

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Step-parenting and Separation

sandrabullockIt’s all over the news.  Sandra Bullock hadn’t even had the chance to really enjoy her Oscar before being hit with the news of her husband, Jesse James’ extra-marital affair.   Sandra, who has taken on the role of Mom to James’ youngest daughter, Sunny, is very attached to her stepchildren (James and Bullock obtained custody of Sunny when her mother was incarcerated).  Sandra has taken on the role of stepmom whole-heartedly to James’ oldest daughter, Chandler as well.

The media reports have been relentless.  I am sure given the situation that it must be hard to be a step-parent, and in some cases, parent to someone elses’ children, love them unconditionally, take care of them unequivocally in the absence of their parent and then, when a conflict arises such as this,  you are forced (so to speak) to separate from not only your husband or wife but the children you love and are helping to raise.  Then comes the major blow…by separating, you pretty much have no rights to your stepchildren either.  This begs the question that People Magazine asked in it’s April issue “What happens to her stepkids?”

I found myself asking myself the same question.  Sandra Bullock seems to thoroughly enjoy her role as a stepmother and loves her stepchildren unconditionally.   Her stepchildren seem to love her as well.  She stated in 2007, “My love and my want for their future….is no less than if I’d had a child on my own.”  As a stepmother myself, I know the love that I have in my heart for my own stepdaughter.  I can’t imagine the thought of this happening in my life.  But, unfortunately, it is a hard true reality that we, as good step-parents, have to face upon divorce or separation.  For me, it hurts to even think about it.

It’s unfortunate that this situation had to occur, not just for Sandra Bullock, Jesse James and his children, but for the millions of step-families around the world that experience trouble in their marriages and end up in divorce.  Not only do the adults in the matter get hurt, but more importantly, the children experience pain and loss that more than likely they have already experienced when their bio parents divorced.  Some of these children, like Sandra’s stepchildren, have bonded with their step-parents only to lose out again and experience a second round of loss.

Hang in there Bullock/James family!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting

Partial Cast of All of Us

Divorced Parents on All of Us

I often watch the television show, All of Us, produced by Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith and is loosely based on their own lives. It’s about a divorced couple who is working together to raise their son. The ex-husband has a live in girlfriend, but the ex-wife does not.

If you watch the show, you will immediately pick up on the obvious double standards that exist in their co-parenting relationship. For example, the ex-wife is allowed to freely enter her ex-husband’s house, using their son’s key, whenever she likes; but, her ex-husband has to knock when he goes over to her place.  The ex-wife demands to be told what’s going on in his relationship with his long-term girlfriend (when they are getting married, when she could move in, etc), but when he asks what’s going on with her new boyfriend, she tells him that her personal life is none of his business. On another episode, the ex-wife demanded to be part of the birthday planning that her ex-husband and his girlfriend was planning for their son, but she had already had a birthday party for him, and neither her ex-husband nor his girlfriend were invited.

I realize that everything on television is not real, but Will and Jada Smith have admitted that the show is loosely based on their own stepfamily. Loosely based means that although some concepts may be exaggerated to a certain extent, something similar has happened in their own lives. Not to mention, that I’ve spoken with several divorced dads and stepmoms who also frequently complain about the double standards that exists within their stepfamilies as well.  For example,  ex-wife wants to know everything that’s going on in ex-husband’s house and relationship, but doesn’t offer and even refuses to share, information regarding her own relationship or household. Ex-wife demands to be invited to any and everything regarding the child, but doesn’t even tell ex-husband about the activities that she plans for the child. Ex-wife is adamant about having unlimited access to the child while he or she is in her ex-husband’s care, but dad’s access is very limited and strictly based on the ex-wife’s rules alone. Additionally, according to author, trailblazing researcher and psychologist, E. Mavis Hetherington, ex-wives tend to be more intrusive and remain bitter and angry for much longer than their ex-husbands, post-divorce.

All of the above information supports the claims that double standards, more often than not, exist between the ex-wife and the ex-husband. What I, along with many others, can’t understand is why they exist.  More importantly, why are these double standards continually accepted by society? Why do mothers think they have more rights than fathers who are just as involved (or at least want to be) in their child’s life?  Why does society view ex-wives who exhibit this behavior, as victims who are just in pain, or the protective mama bears who are just trying to protect their children? Why does society convince us to believe that the children need protection from a father who is fighting to be with his children?

What’s even more important than why is how? How do we change our perception of how co-parenting relationships should operate? I’ve always been an advocate of and highly encouraged healthy boundaries from the very beginning of the divorce. Having a child gives neither parent an all access pass into each others’ lives after the divorce. Neither parent needs detail regarding what’s going on in their ex-spouse’s relationships or marriage or household (unless of course it is harming the child). Furthermore, when the child is in your house, the parent caring for him or her at that time is in charge of the child. Both parents are in charge of their respective households and allowing overlap only leads to the double standards mentioned above.

Overall, it’s important to realize that you can have a great co-parenting relationship without being totally engulfed in each others’ lives.  And, fathers need to realize that they aren’t doing a disservice to their children by setting healthy boundaries for their ex-wives.  Ex-wife should not be allowed to have each foot in both her and her ex-husband’s household and vice versa. Doing so, only increases chances of resentment, conflict, miscommunication and all out war.

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Jason Mesnick and Molly Melaney Wed

The Mesnicks from People Magazine

The Mesnicks from People Magazine

The first divorced father of the hit reality show, The Bachelor, married contestant, Molly Melaney in a rainy California ceremony on Saturday.

You might remember Jason as the bachelor who caused a lot of chaos when he initially gave his final rose to contestant Melissa Rycroft (who has since found love herself) in the season finale of The Bachelor last spring, but then changed broke off his engagement on national television to pursue Melaney instead.

Jason’s young son Tyler (Ty) was part of the ceremony as well. He ran down the aisle a minute before Molly did, and Jason said that he had a talk with him. Thirty seconds later, his blushing bride appeared on the stairs and Jason started crying.

Catch their big day on an ABC Broadcast which airs Monday night at 8 pm. The first ever Bachelor couple to wed and on national television.

We wish this modern family the best of luck!

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How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce?

parentsarguingI have talked to many children and adult children of divorce over the past several years. Although I am not an adult child of divorce, all of my mom and my dad’s siblings have been divorced at least once so I am used to the blended/stepfamily.  Additionally, my husband is a product of divorce and his first marriage ended in divorce as well.

Recently, I had a series of conversations with my cousins, who are sisters (half, whole and step) in the same stepfamily, about divorce and their blended family.  They said that they never wished their birth parents to be back together again because it would have been a disaster.  My husband has also told me that he asked his mom to get a divorce when he was a mere 8 years old. I was watching Real Housewives of Orange County last week and two sisters (teenage high school students) were having a conversation about how they didn’t think their parents were right for each other and should get a divorce.

About a year ago, I did a study, surveying 13 children and adult children of divorce about their experience with divorce and none of them ever said that they wanted their parents to be back together again. They did express that they wanted their parents to get along, not put them in the middle of their squabbles, be consistent with drop off and pick up and flexible with visitation arrangements (especially as they got older). However, they never said that they wished their parents would spend more time together, take family vacations with them, have weekly dinners with them and overall, alter their reality regarding the divorce in order to help them cope. As a matter of fact, over half  of them said that it would have only confused them all the more.

This confirms that often times, parents react to their inability to effectively deal with the changes of divorce and impose those feelings onto their children. It’s completely understandable because as parents, you never dreamed of breaking up your child’s “happy” home. However, parents must first ask themselves, “was our home really that happy?” They assume that children know less than what we give them credit for and just because they were having problems, doesn’t mean their children were aware. I’ve said it many times before, however, children are much more aware than we give them credit for. And instead of doing your best to alter their reality by still playing house even though you’re divorced, consider the fact that your children just might not have been happy with that arrangement in the first place.

teendaugdadWhat children need in order to cope with divorce is the support of both parents as their parents, not as a couple. At this point, their world is going to change enough as it is and they rely on their parents to minimize confusion by being clear and consistent. If you are divorced, then be divorced and you can still get along without vacationing or sharing weekly dinners together. Showing your children that you are making an effort to repair your relationship at this point only confuses them. Many of them begin to wonder why you could not have done this while you were married as opposed to doing so after the divorce. I know many divorced parents who practice such rituals will become defensive and say things like, “it’s much easier to do when you are no longer married because you don’t have to live with each other,” or “just because we do these things doesn’t mean that we are trying to show are children that we are getting back together.” But remember, it’s not about how easier it is for you or what you are trying to show your children. It’s what you ARE showing them that matters.

By that same token, your children don’t need you to act a complete fool either! The main thing that children in my study as well as author and therapist, Constance Ahron’s study, expressed is that children want minimal conflict and don’t want to be in the middle of their parents’ battles.  They don’t want to be prevented from having a relationship with either parent. They desire flexibility with visitation and unlimited access to either parent. Most importantly, they want to be kept informed of changes that will affect them and they want consistency with drop off and pick up times.

Parents, you don’t have to go to the extreme to provide the above-mentioned for your children. You can do things like simply being on time with drop off and pick up. So many parents show up an hour or more late and assume that it doesn’t matter to their children. It does, so be on time, every time, unless a valid circumstance prevents you from doing so, and if it does, communicate that to your children. You can also quit using your kids as messengers because you just can’t stand talking to each other. You can get along by being cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick up and at school and extra curricular activities. You can make every effort to be on the same page and provide consistency for your children by creating a co-parenting plan that outlines rules and expectations of your children, and then presenting a unified front when it comes to enforcing those rules. All of these things will show your children that although mom and dad are divorced, we are still your parents; we just aren’t a couple any longer.

Below are some do’s and don’ts of divorce to make the transition clearer and smoother for your children.

Do’s

  1. Be very clear that the decision is final and irreversible.
  2. Reassure them that you both will continue to co-parent them to the best of your abilities; and that they will continue to have a relationship with both parents.
  3. Make it clear that you BOTH agree that when they are with mom, they need to follow the rules of her house; and when they are with dad, they need to follow the rules of his house.
  4. The non-custodial parent should make a home for his or her children so they don’t feel like visitors. Keep some of their things (clothes, shoes, favorite toys, etc) at your house, so that it feels like home at both parents’ houses.
  5. Make sure they remain connected to both sides of the extended family.
  6. Be cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick and at school and extra curricular activities.
  7. Remain a parent and never reverse the role out of guilt. Children of divorce still need expectations, rules and consequences! Creating these boundaries actually helps to bring back that sense of normalcy.
  8. Take care of yourself and your own emotions regarding the divorce without affecting your children. Be advised that they are only likely to handle the divorce as well as you handle it yourself!

Don’ts

  1. Don’t use your children as messengers because you can’t stand talking to each other. This only puts them in the middle of your mess and creates loyalty binds.
  2. Don’t rely on your children as support to get you through your divorce. Don’t cry on their shoulders. They need you to be strong and to be their parents so that they can still be children. They are not your therapists.
  3. Don’t allow the children to dictate the terms of each visitation. While it’s okay to be flexible if a child wants to go to a friend’s birthday party or has an important project to work on and therefore wants to stay at their primary residence; they should never be allowed to forfeit visitation because they are mad at the other parent.
  4. Don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.
  5. Don’t ask children to be your spies on the other parent and then interrogate them as soon as they walk through the door from the other parent’s house.
  6. Don’t create monsters by inflating their status and giving them more authority or control than they need as children. For example, your 10 year old son is not the “man of the house” now. He’s not a man; he’s a child, and the distinction between parent and child must always be adhered to. Never reverse that role out of guilt.
  7. Don’t fall into the “funhouse syndrome” by becoming the disneyland parent and making it a party every time your children come to visit. This actually helps to decrease their respect for you as a parent. The reality is that if their parents had stayed together, every day wouldn’t be a party. Maintain a sense of normalcy by creating a healthy balance for your children. Sure it’s okay to have a good time sometimes, but they also need to be doing some chores at your house, too.
  8. Don’t create a crutch for your children by telling them that they can or allowing them to get away with any and everything because they are hurting due to the divorce. If you feed children this excuse, trust me, they will use it well into adulthood. Give them permission to feel the way that they do regarding the changes, listen to them and be understanding BUT don’t tolerate disrespectful or rude behavior towards you, the other parent and/or a step-parent – EVER!
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Divorce – Who Needs Furniture?

An excerpt from the book, Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway?

I never would have thought it could happen to me. I have spent endless days evaluating the things that has brought me to this moment of truth. I am going through a divorce. I am single again. What was a ten year investment has crashed like the economy and I find myself handed a pink slip reminding me that I am no longer needed for my services. I am beyond crying I am shell shocked, as I look at her boxes as they fill a home that was designed for us. I flip channels on the TV because I can only assume that this is a romantic movie and somehow the love and romance will soon spark and somehow it will be fixed. Needless to say that time never came as I still get caught in ignoring the world around me as it is packed away. I sit and sip wine as if you were still sitting here. Only to remind myself that it was only my imagination, that you have never sat next to me. Feeling disgusted that i am caught dreaming about a dream. Dreaming of a world by which two people are in love with the thought of being in love. That we both live in a world of us and and everything else is just in it. That time never arrived as the movers have pulled up to the house. I was naive to the warning signs. That this marriage was long over, I guess when communication was like having a business meeting and sex was like an appointment, that just might be a sign that the relationship is over. However, I loved as If I was blind. While the movers start loading the truck.

We sit and talk for the last time, civil like friends. Reflect on the good times you wish me the best and I tell you I hope you find the happiness you could not find in me. Then we both agree that our little girl would stay with me and we will raise her together. Then Bobby the mover asked are you about ready. You nod with a yes. We hug for the last time. I walk you to the door I wave as you get into your car and drive away. As I locked the door, an epiphany in my heart arose that I was locking a door to season of my life that was over. That my life at this point would forever be different. The way I look at my life, love, and relationships will forever be changed.

I cry because I feel free to love again, but I am nervous about starting over again. Optimistic about the new life that I will design for me and my child, nevertheless scared of failure. Wanting to date but stuck with 1993 pick up lines. I have a swag that is unbelievable but I will not play games. Wanting to get my groove on but I am stuck reading bedtime stories and watching Hannah Montana. Refuse to parent from a cell phone as I try to start my life over again. Have to get my hustle on but the daycare close at 5:30 and bedtime is at 8. My parents say I doing a good job, I said that this is all their fault. That they cursed me, that all they have ever taught me was how to be married, I don’t know how to be single. I would have never thought that this would be apart of my journey. Who would have ever thought that Love would have to learn how to love again . What the hell, who needs furniture anyway. She left me with a TV and the Nintendo Wii.

Antonio Love is a recently divorced father who is currently raising his daughter. He is also the author of Talking What Ya Want and Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway. For more information on Antonio Love and his movement, please visit www.antoniolove.com.

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Can divorced parents be friends?

I was at the gym the other day and happened to see a woman and a man that I know are divorced. My husband just finished coaching their son and he would often bring his fiance to the games. So imagine my surprise when I saw them walk in and work out together. It sparked a very important question and one that I am acutally asked quite often; can or should you be friends with your ex-spouse? My answer is always that each situation is different. Sometimes it’s healthy, but sometimes it’s harmful!

There are many factors that should be considered when continuing or forming a friendship (not just being friendly) with your ex-spouse. For starters, it could raise a host of trust and jealousy issues between you and your current spouse. Secondly, one must consider their motivation for wanting to be friends with his or her ex-spouse. Is it because you sincerely want to be better parents or because you’re just afraid of letting go? Do you desire to make his or her current partner jealous or is it a true friendship that you share with your ex-spouse? These are all questions that you should ask yourself about your friendship with your ex-spouse.

Be advised that the appropriate boundaries must be drawn in order to maintain a friendship with the ex. An outside observer of your relationships should be able to tell which one is the current and which one is the ex. As such, you should never be more honest with your ex-spouse than your current partner; discussing feelings of intimacy, problems with your current relationship, etc. Additionally, if you find yourself turning to your ex-spouse for advice or help rather than your current spouse, then it is likely that your friendship with your ex-spouse is unhealthy. It is also important that your current spouse be comfortable with your friendship with your ex. If you are constantly fighting with your current spouse about your friendship with your ex, then you need t consider which relationship is most important to you.

My husband’s ex-wife wanted very much to be “friends” with my husband however; she crossed the line on many occasions. She called him late at night, turned to him for EVERY problem that she had even though she had a long time boyfriend at the time. Additionally, she would call my house and not even say, “hi, how are you?” These types of actions are not only unhealthy, but disrespectul to the current spouse or girlfriend.

On the other hand, if you and your ex-spouse share a genuine friendship that is guided by healthy boundaries, then I don’t see why you can’t be friends. For example, if your ex-spouse respects your current relationship and can be friends with you BOTH, then it’s a healthy friendship that you share.  Additionally, neither of you should have a hidden agenda; whether it’s making the current spouse jealous or one of you still have strong feelings for the other.

My ex and I had a friendship when we were both single. We talked on the phone, had dinner together, helped each other in our time of need, but it stopped when he remarried. I would NEVER disrespect his current spouse in that manner or make her feel uncomfortable with our friendship. The only way I would ever allow our friendship to continue is if we could ALL be friends with each other; me, my husband, my ex and his wife. There is no reason why I need to share a relationship, other than co-parenting, with my ex that is independent of my marriage.

Overall, you should know that these types of genuine friendships between divorced parents rarely exist. Usually, it’s a situation where one or the other just can’t let go and that can be detrimental to all of your relationships that follow the one you shared with your ex-spouse. As such, it’s crucial  that you understand when it is healthy and how to maintain a friendship with your ex AND you BOTH must be on the same page in order for it to work. Establish the appropriate boundaries, make sure that your ex-spouse doesn’t still have feelings for you and consider your own motivation for wanting to be friends with your ex.

What about you BFSO readers? Are any of you still friends with your ex-spouse?

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