Challenge or Opportunity?

Handling challenges of stepfamily life can be daunting.  Defining our roles as step-parents, the expectations we have of our stepchildren, competing for our spouses attention and loyalty conflicts are just a few of the challenges that we face being a part of a blended family.   All of the preceding issues can be looked at as a challenge, but what I like to teach my clients is that issues such as these, once completely understood, can be viewed as opportunities as well.

In the United States alone, between 75 and 85% of all divorced couples remarry and a third of all children in the  United States alone will spend part of their lives in a stepfamily.   With these stunning statistics at our fingertips, as members of the blended family, it is important to be aware that by fostering challenges and problems instead of fostering positive relationship building, having open discussions with our children and stepchildren and reinforcing realistic expectations, we are promoting instead of preventing the disconnect that often occurs within the stepfamily.  Most of the time, this disconnect occurs out of pure unrealistic expectations and non-understanding of the dynamics that accompanies the stepfamily environment.

Finding good, practical answers is not always easy because even stepfamilies that have been together for years, who are pretty much equipped with experience and knowledge under their belts, at times wrestle with issues.  However, as I have said in the past, it is how we mutually decide to handle these challenges by not allowing them to define our happiness within our units nor our success as a stepfamily.  Issues are going to arise.  Embrace them and fix it if you can.  If it is something that just can’t be agreed upon — well, agree to disagree, respect one another’s opinion, and move past it.  This small effort is allowing opportunity to rise above challenge.

Another very important tip in this process is always putting your marriage or remarriage first on your list of priorities.  Absolutely no marriage survives if the life partners in that marriage are in discord with one another.  For example, if you and your partner constantly disagree and struggle over the issue of discipline, or one or the other is insecure in your relationship because the kids are tearing you apart, and finally, a whopper of a discord is when one partner or the other lets guilt about a previous marital breakdown affect his or her parenting.  Your marriage has to be the center of your beings as a couple.  You cannot be insecure about your relationship and expect your stepchildren or children to be secure.  By taking this particular challenge by the horns and making sure you put your marriage first, you are exercising the opportunity to teach your children what a sound, stable and secure marriage is and should be.  They will know, in an instant, when two parents back each other unequivocally, through thick and thin, that there is no room for division on their part.  In essence, they will seek this type of marriage out in their own personal lives as well.

Choosing to transform our challenges into opportunities not only usually resolves, or helps to resolve, the conflict at hand, but it alleviates unnecessary struggles and it engages our behaviors toward the positive in other aspects of our lives as well.  Our children become more confident because evaluating conflict and the resolutions thereto, teaches them to look toward resolve instead of teaching them to stew upon negative emotions and things that they cannot change.  For example, if your husband’s ex hates your guts and you know you are being bad-mouthed in front of your stepchildren, don’t turn around and instigate the same behaviors in your home.  Simply use grace and confidence to handle that situation.  For example, if your stepchild says..”My mommy hates you!”  Simply, state something like…”I am so sorry that your mom feels that way about me because I don’t feel that way about her and maybe one day her perspective will change.”  Instead of,… “So frickin what your crazy mother hates me!  I hate her too.”  Do you see how just that simple response has the ability to change your stepchild’s response and/or idea of how that situation is viewed?  Not only does it teach them how to handle conflict, it teaches them humility.

Listen, I know better than anyone that the challenges the stepfamily life can bring is never just “black and white.”  Shades of grey are all over and in between, and most parents and stepparents are unprepared for the confusing and painful emotions that arise from time-to-time. However, by putting your relationship first and developing ways to make opportunities for bonding, teaching and loving instead of absorbing conflict, struggle and strife is one step in the right direction.  It is vitally important that our children have positive role models in their lives and it starts at home.  Whether they have two homes or one, in order for our children to be happy, we have to define our roles as parents and stepparents and allow them to learn and expect realistic expectations even when it comes down to a bit of conflict.

Let’s carve through the conflict to allow opportunity to evolve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

What are your top (re)marriage concerns?

Many of you know that Diane and I also own and operate a counseling practice that caters only to people experiencing stepfamily issues.  When we do sit down with couples, we immediately realize the source of the problem, and often times, it’s with the remarried couple. The wife doesn’t feel appreciated, respected and/or supported by her husband. The husband feels as if the wife just nags all the time for no reason and doesn’t understand why she just won’t concede because his children are important to him.  Both just assume that the other doesn’t or won’t understand. Neither take the time to actually convey how they feel, until they sit down with one of us.

Diane and I firmly believe that the source of strength for the stepfamily is the marriage. If the marriage is not solid, the stepfamily won’t be.  Our focal point is not on getting the children to love their stepmom; getting the stepmom to be friends with the ex-wife or getting the divorced parents to be friends. Although there is nothing wrong with any of the above-mentioned, it isn’t what we think is necessary to create a solid stepfamily. The stepfamily can still survive if the stepmom and ex-wife aren’t best friends. It can survive if the divorced parents aren’t friends, but it will not make it if the remarriage is in disarray.

And so, we want to hear from you? What are some of your top (re) marriage concerns? You can either leave them in the comment section of this post or email us directly at info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com. The follow up article will be filled with tips based on your concerns.

Two New Additions to Our Blended Family

I am so proud of the huge strides that my blended family has made over the years. My ex and I and our spouses don’t always agree on everything, but we definitely co-parent well together. When disagreements arise, we either work together to reach some sort of compromise or we agree to disagree and move on. More importantly, we don’t stew over the disagreements and allow them to affect doing what’s best for our children. We have truly established what I like to call a synergistic foundation. We are separate parts of the whole who all work together for our children. We don’t intrude upon each others’ lives and have established a mutual respect for the roles that we respectively play in our son’s life.

Recently, we reached another milestone in our respective families; both my ex’s wife and I had beautiful babies who are only months apart. We have all always encouraged and fully supported the sibling relationships in our family. My ex and his wife have embraced my husband’s son (my son’s stepbrother) and my husband and I have embraced their son (my son’s half brother). And now, we have been super supportive of the newest additions to our blended family; a baby girl and a baby boy! To us, they are all just brothers and sister.

The most positive and beneficial result of all of this is the obvious joy that this has brought to my son. I’ve never wanted him to feel like he had to choose who he had to love, be it his parents or siblings and I am so grateful that he doesn’t have to. He truly loves us all and has a unique relationship with each of us. This is all because we have ALL worked together! No matter how difficult it gets at times (as I stated earlier, we don’t always agree), we clearly are all committed to making it work for our children. After all, when it’s all said and done and the parents leave this earth, our children will be left to spend Christmas, Thanksgiving and any other important occasion together. I am so glad that we’ve build a solid foundation for them to stand on in the future.

This is my personal testimony that it is possible to blend a family in a HEALTHY way! Stepmom doesn’t have to give up who she is, be anyone’s doormat or feel under appreciated. Ex-wife and stepmom don’t have to spend every waking moment together. Ex-wives don’t have to be territorial or intrusive. Ex-spouses don’t have to do weekly dinners or vacation together and no one has to hate each other or be manipulative. It is possible to have healthy remarriages AND co-parent well with both biological parents and step-parents. If you put the right ingredients into your family blender; respect, honesty, love, compromise (without totally compromising yourself) and acceptance, then your stepfamily can also evolve into a blended family. We are proof of that and I am so proud of us!

My Way Or The Highway

Have you ever thought that everything would be great in your relationship if your spouse or significant other changed to comply with everything you think is right?  I can admit that in one of my past lives, I have been guilty of doing so.  Instead of validating your spouse’s perspective on a situation, you make it impossible to negotiate and refuse to stand together to find an amicable solution to whatever issue the two of you are experiencing.  Ironically, you attribute your meeting him/her in the middle as weakness and instead of feeling like partners, you feel like opponents.

Every relationship has its ups and downs.  Every relationship has its share of stresses and each person, at times, whether they admit it or not, has times when their disagreements get the best of them and inadvertently allows that argument to redefine them and their commitment.  When disagreements get  bad, each person digs in and makes little effort to work around the problem at hand.  What they are essentially saying is “it’s my way or the highway.”

In partnership there are always going to be hard times and unexpected problems that occur.  It’s important to remember through every unexpected cloud there is a silver lining.  You don’t have to fool yourself into thinking that it has to be one way or the other in order to be happy.  It is also important to understand that although disagreements aren’t comfortable to go through, they add character to our relationships.

Here are a few tips to help you avoid the ”my way or the highway” attitude:

• Think objectively when communicating with your spouse, especially during disagreements.
• Your perspective is based on your individual experience but that does not make it right in a relationship.  Take the creative leap to empathize with your spouse, see his/her point of view and perspective and do not make them feel invalidated.
• Appreciate your differences.
• When going through differences, don’t fill in the blanks about what the other person is thinking or trying to say.  By doing so, we take the quality we experience and attribute it to the other person.  That quality doesn’t belong to them, it belongs to your relationship.

Lastly, any solution we find to our disagreements has to come from a “WE” point of view.  For example, when disagreeing, begin with “Whenever we talk about this issue, we seem to end up arguing.  What can we do to help us stop.”

These are just a few ways to explore avoiding ultimatum language like the title of this post describes.   Having the ability to appreciate your partner’s point of view does not invalidate your own. Being able to appreciate each others’ differences is a value that all relationships should strive to achieve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Kate Gosselin is Dancing With The Stars

DWTS Promo Pic

Kate Gosselin, recently divorced mom and former Jon and Kate Plus 8 reality television star, is dancing with the stars and intent on winning this season. The mother of 8 is spending 5 to 6 hours a day practicing with her dance coach and hopes to do well in the competition - even though she has admitted that she cannot dance on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Although Kate is reclaiming and embracing her newfound independence by redefining her sense of style and shaking her tail feather on Dancing with the Stars this season, she insists that it won’t take her away from her children. In fact, she had a dance floor installed in the basement of her Pennsylvania home and does most of practicing at the studio when the kids are in school.  Additionally, one of the judges assisted her in setting up a special daycare in Los Angeles for the kids.

Kate’s former husband, Jon Gosselin, has expressed his support on his Twitter page for his ex-wife, saying that he is thrilled for her and she definitely has his vote. However, according to US Weekly, a source close to Jon says that he’s angry because the competition will take Kate away from the kids for days at a time, but Kate won’t allow Jon to have extra custody.

If you want to vote for Kate this season, be sure to watch her on Dancing with the Stars, which includes: Pamela Anderson, Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger, Olympic Gold Medalist Evan Lysacek and 80 year old Buzz Aldrin.

The Art of Civility in Today’s Modern Family

We all learned to play nice in Kindergarten….right?  In today’s modern family, the term “playing nice” can be non-existent.   Our relationships have a significant impact on our lives.  In other words, a part of life is what our relationships make it.  Civility in our relationships, whether that be with our husbands, wives or ex-spouses, encourages strength, which in turn helps us to be better parents, individuals and spouses.

You might be wondering how one might navigate through to an end result of civility despite all of the incivilities that blended/step family issues can promulgate?  My answer:  Clear communication.  There is great power in having honest and frank dialogue when issues arise within your direct unit (i.e., with your spouse when a situation arises with your stepchild; or with your ex-spouse when a situation with your child is reeling out of control). Open and honest communication helps between units (i.e., your family and your ex’s family) when sensitive situations arise that may need the attention of all family members (including step-parents).  However, be reminded that a like-minded attitude toward civility has to be on the agenda for all parties involved and accepting that someone else may not be willing to effectuate same is a hard pill to swallow, but one that is necessary.   At that point, all you can do is work on yourself and work on the issues that directly affect your unit.

For example, accepting and attempting to understand one another is a powerful tool.  Being mutually respectful and demonstrating equality to your spouse will strengthen your bond and allow you to open the floodgates of interpersonal communication.  When in the heat of an argument, instead of trying to solidify all of your points, open the door to exploring your spouse’s points of view as well, and when you have made a mistake, be humble and apologize.

The following are a few tips you might consider:

1.  Before speaking, consider the impact your words will have on others.
2.  Pause and take a moment to reflect before you allow your emotions to get the best of you.
3.  Be aware of your body language when you are trying to get your point across.  This is a huge pointer.
4.  Take responsibility for your own actions and words.
5.  Manage your reactions.
6.  Have realistic perspectives and expectations.
7.  Ask yourself questions before retreating to asking others.
8.  Treat people the way you want to be treated.

Each individual is different.  Being civil, despite our differences, can be a task in and of itself.  Whether it be in our personal love relationship, our friendships or our work environments, it is important that we admit and learn from our mistakes, strengthen our skills and talk about the differences that may be separating us on particular issues. Doing so will allow us to effectively bond, whether that be in our co-parenting relationships,  friendships,  marriages and  lives in general.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Preventing or Promoting Peace in Your Modern Family

Living in a nuclear/traditional family has its own ups, downs and issues.  So, one can only imagine that living in a modern/blended family will be challenging at best.  With that being said, I ask the question — Are you doing everything in your power to promote peace in your unit?  Or, are you preventing it?

The Proverbial Ex-Wife

With divorce comes a sense of loss.  Ex-wives often struggle with power, loyalty and control over issues involving their own emotions alongside having to deal with the loss their children are also facing.  In the beginning, the challenges they face are enormous.  At times, after the divorce, ex-wives find themselves not only overwhelmed due to issues like finance control, sharing the children at different locations, or suddenly being alone and raising children as a single parent (if she is awarded custody).  These emotions tend to intensify if her ex-spouse remarries and she then begins to mark her territory; expressing loudly her position that SHE is the mom.   These fears and real emotions can lead to feelings of hopelessness and frustration which in turn can get bottled up and present themselves in a way that prevents peace within her modern family.

The Proverbial Wife/Step-mom

Ah…the “new” wife!  You walk into a new marriage with instant children (if you have none of your own).  Sometimes, literally, you walk into the ex-wife’s old home, you sit on her furniture and you stare at her old 4 walls.  You have great expectations of going into your new life with hopes that your step-children will adore you and his ex-wife won’t have any reason to not appreciate you and your presence because you can get along with anyone, so why should your husband’s ex-wife be any different? — WRONG!  “New” wives often make the mistake of expecting too much too soon.  They step in and try to “be all and do all” for everyone with the expectation that everyone must feel the same way you do.  The proverbial new step-mom sometimes even pushes herself upon her step-children and into their lives full force.  At times, she even intervenes with problems that only her husband and his ex-wife should handle.  She expects the ex-wife to accept her but does not understand that this is an unrealistic approach and it doesn’t work.  Therefore, she then decides to stake her territory and, at times, can become destructive when it comes to issues that may arise in her new modern family. She makes these issues about “her” instead of consigning them to their rightful owner (i.e., the children, the ex-wife or her husband), and by doing so, she prevents peace within her unit.

Blending a family and maintaining happiness within it gives new definition to the word “modern.”  It takes patience, consideration, a certain level of  trust, realistic expectations on both sides of the fence and parents who are committed to continue to provide a healthy and happy family environment for their children.  Does this mean everything will always be “hunky dorey” all of the time and new issues will never arise?  Absolutely not!  However, being proactive in providing the best environment for your children should be one of the first items on your priority list.  Promoting peace is essential, but in order to do so,  the wife/step-mom  have to be patient in their new roles.  Don’t jump in “gun ho.”  If you are an ex-wife, allow yourself to deal with any unresolved conflicts and emotions you may be holding on to, learn to move past them and let them go.   What about the man in the middle some of you might ask?  Well, that subject alone will be an article all to itself.

Granted, there are those families where one party will make the decision to avoid promoting peace at all costs.  If that is the case, continue to integrate your own peace, in your own home.  I will admit, the transition from divorce is one of the toughest issues I personally have ever dealt with as a former ex-wife.  As hard as I ever tried to avoid the pitfalls  many ex-wives face, I still made my share of mistakes.  Now, in another chapter of my life, being a wife/step-mom, I had to explore a whole new facet of life altogether.  I have learned that I can do my part in promoting peace by doing my personal best to make a great impression on my step-daughter and my children.  How you promote or prevent peace, and what you accomplish during the process, is very important and will either have a negative or positive effect on your modern family.  Which one will you choose?

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Montel Williams - Bad Father or Parental Alienation?

Montell Williams II and Wyntergrace

Montel Williams’ two children say the talk show host, who tried to paint himself as a responsible and devoted father, has all but abandoned them amid a bitter custody battle.

“My dad is now like a stranger,” his 14-year-old daughter, Wyntergrace, tells the ‘New York Daily News’. “Everyone knows him as a great guy, but he’s not making the best choices as a parent.”

Williams, who won Emmys hosting his daytime show, currently hosts a radio show and sells a number of products for ‘Living Well’.

But, despite receiving over $18,000 a month in child support for the two of them, the kids say they are missing the emotional support they need.

“I wouldn’t say I really have a relationship with my dad,” she says. “He’s not in my life right now. It’s his choice. I eat every night. I’m comfortable, but I can’t say I have him as a father. There’s all this fighting over things that shouldn’t be a fight, like paying for my PSAT.”

Wyntergrace says she’s seen him four times in five years and their last meeting didn’t go well.

“He walked in already mad. He said he thought we were going to dinner, but my email clearly said we were going to see my therapist,” she explains. “It was intimidating. I was thinking, ‘Why should I talk if I’m just going to get yelled at?’”

In response to the story, Montel says he doesn’t want to get into it: “I love my children very much. I do not believe parenting is best done in a public forum and I will not comment on ongoing legal action involving my minor children.”

Montel and Grace Morley, who divorced in 2000, have joint custody, and have been engaged in a 10 year fight over the children. Morley wants full custody but the 53-year-old is refusing to give up his decision making power.

“He has been trying to go out to dinner with them, to call them, to speak to them. And he’s been unable to accomplish that at a reasonable level,”  his lawyer said, according to a transcript.

This story was first published by the NY Daily News.

My response to this story:

After supporting my husband through his battle, with his ex-wife, over their son for nearly a decade, I am never quick to believe the whole “the father abandoned his kids” story. I know that there is always more than one side to the story. It’s just that the custodial mom’s side is the one that is often told and sympathized with by the court system. Additionally, it’s unfortunate that the kids walk away from these type of situations with a tainted view of their father which is often based on half truths.

That being said,  let me point out some of the inconsistencies that I see in this story.

1. I know more than a few actual deadbeat fathers. These fathers have never supported their children. They walked away and didn’t look back. They have evaded the child support system and aren’t the least bit interested in financially or emotionally supporting their children. I know a few of  these fathers personally! Out of all of them, NONE have paid child support or engaged in a 10 year fight with their ex over anything. Why would a man battle over children that he has supposedly abandoned and doesn’t care about? What I have seen, however, are custodial moms who make it darn near impossible for a man to remain actively involved, but then complain that he’s not involved, and those fathers are the ones who have been fighting for years to remain even minimally involved in their children’s lives.
2. Those same deadbeat dads that I mentioned earlier don’t have or desire to have joint custody. They don’t refuse to give up their decision making power over kids they don’t care about.
3. I also don’t know fathers who supposedly abandon their children, but try to call them, speak to them or have dinner with them, but has been unable to at a reasonable level. BUT, I do know custodial moms who are completely unreasonable when it comes to the terms by which the father can see his children. For example, you can see them only if you come to my house and your wife is not around. Or, you can see them from 1-3pm, on a weekday, when she knows the father has to work. Williams’ lawyer is probably referring to similar terms when he alleges that he has been unable to see them at a reasonable level.

As I stated, there is always more than one side to these contentious ex-husband vs. ex-wife/mother vs father stories and the kids are often times caught in the middle. Additionally, they are left to draw their own conclusions, which are usually based on half truths or just plain lies. Dads in this situation usually try to protect their children by not revealing their side of the story, hoping that one day the truth will come out on its own. The problem is that these children have often endured years of mom’s story and begin to believe that it’s the whole truth and nothing but. And by the time dad has an opportunity to tell his story, when the kids are older, the kids often times, don’t want to hear it.

I hope that Montel Williams can work it out with his children. More importantly, I hope that Grace Morley supports their relationship because it is what’s best for them.

Kela and Diane Offer Holiday Tips for Divorced and Remarried Parents

Diane says…

Christmas is a time of celebration, right?  It’s no secret that challenges can be bountiful during the holidays for the modern family but if you are willing to leave the bitterness behind and put forth a little extra effort, you can cope and survive through each holiday season with the co-parent(s) in your modern family.  Of course accomplishing this is no easy task but once you get there, the reward is definitely worth the effort.  Not to mention, the most important outcome is when you get to watch and enjoy the happiness of your children that Christmas brings out in all of them.  In every family there are challenges, but meeting in the middle instead of power struggling with your co-parent is one way to resolve unnecessary conflict.  I cannot emphasize enough that in order to avoid conflict, you need to plan ahead.  For example, if you and your co-parent split Christmas Day, don’t wait until the last minute or the day before to decide when your child will share time with his/her other parent and then arbitrarily think that your plan is going to sit well with your co-parent.  On the other hand, if you are the non-custodial parent and you know that there is a special tradition that the custodial parent and your child enjoys every year together – do your best to work around it — it’s called teamwork.  For those of you that absolutely find your panties in a bunch every holiday over the same issues, or if you just happen to work best by the sticking to the court order, then by all means that is always the safest way to navigate the holidays.  Stick to the court order!

Kela says…

In addition to the many challenges that divorced parents face during the holiday season, remarried couples also have their fair share. Competition over which biological set of children in the house receives the most can be a factor. Who’s going to buy what is another. Some couples choose to combine their finances and allot a certain amount for each kid no matter who they biologically belong to. Others choose to keep things separate by buying Christmas gifts for their respective children with their ex-spouses (the biological parents).

Scheduling can also present a problem for the remarried couple, especially when they both come into the marriage with children. Detailing the arrangements regarding what time and how much each set of children will spend with their non-custodial parents, making time for you all to spend together as a newly formed family and visiting both sets of in-laws and/or extended family members can often times seem like an extreme sport. During this time of year it’s important to maintain realistic expectations, realizing that stepfamilies cannot operate as first families do. While it’s important that you make time to gel as a stepfamily, it’s not crucial that you do so on Christmas day. Many stepfamilies elect to spend the day before or after Christmas opening a few presents and developing new family traditions together. It all depends on what works for your unique family situation and every modern family is indeed unique.

Coping through this season with your co-parent and/or remarried spouse isn’t as hard as it seems if you both make the effort to show mutual respect, give and take a little on both sides and take into consideration each others’ feelings in order to enjoy the wonder and happiness of Christmas.

What about you BFSO readers? What are some of the unique challenges that you face with your ex-spouse and/or spouse during the Christmas season? How do you deal with those challenges?

Happy Holidays,

Kela and Diane

The People Pleaser Part II

BFSO writer and stepfamily counselor Diane and I recently had a conversation about people pleasers. It all started with a daily spiritual inspiration which Diane sends me every morning.  Two important lines in this daily inspiration read as follows:

“Be aware and watch for the enemy’s devices that will saddle you with imposition as he pressures you to act out of a sense of obligation instead of being moved by My Spirit. Obligation has its roots in a spirit of fear. The fear of rejection results in being a people-pleaser.”

The corresponding biblical verse was 1 Thessalonians 2:4 But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts.

Diane talked about her personal and general experience with people pleasing in her post, but I want to get more specific and delve into how it affects the stepfamily. Unfortunately, if the stepfamily is not handled properly; meaning every member of the stepfamily is not responsible and mindful of their own actions and emotions and how they affect the other members of the stepfamily, it can perpetuate a few forms of the “people pleaser.” Let’s go over them below.

The People Pleasing Remarried Dad

The people pleasing dad is created because he beats his head against the wall trying to keep his ex-wife happy so she won’t prevent him or make it extremely difficult for him to see his kids; keep his wife from getting upset because he works overtime to be overly accommodating to his ex-wife and alter his children’s reality so they won’t be too upset over the divorce. The people pleasing dad doesn’t want to be rejected by his wife, his kids or his ex-wife and instead makes decisions that are based on that fear of rejection instead of based on doing what’s right for everyone, including himself.

The People Pleasing Stepmom

The people pleasing stepmom faces many of the same challenges as the people pleasing remarried dad. She works hard to make sure she doesn’t upset the ex-wife because she might keep the kids away from her husband; she doesn’t want to upset her husband because she understands his difficult position and she wants his kids to like her. All of it leads to life of saying yes all the time, bending over backwards to make sure everyone’s happy and often times putting herself dead last. She’s afraid to speak up for herself and set boundaries out of fear of being rejected by her husband, his kids and the ex-wife. She also makes decisions based on that fear instead of doing what’s right for everyone, including herself. Society also places her in a difficult position because if she does speak up, set boundaries, demand some “me time,” she is demonized and labeled as wicked, instead of just another overwhelmed mom who is tired of bending over backwards for everyone in her family. The people pleasing stepmom is most devalued and most misunderstood stepfamily member of them all and she receives the least amount of understanding from her husband, the ex-wife, the kids AND society!

The People Pleasing Kids

Like Diane mentioned in her article, the people pleasing kids are often created when divorced parents choose not to co-parent effectively. When divorced parents put their children in the middle of their divorce by bad mouthing the other parent, sending messages to the other parent through them and overall using their children as a liaison between them, children often feel as if they have to over please their parents in order to make them happy. When you see your parents fight and argue all the time, seemingly over you, you tend to over please when you’re with your parents individually. By that same token, statistics, research and studies have also proven that altering their reality also creates the people pleasing kid. When divorced parents work too hard to make it seem like nothing has changed when everything has changed, children tend to work overtime to please their parents. They feel as if they could please the parents enough, then they will both be happy enough to get back together again. This form of pleasing is meant to show them that, “See, this could work and we could all be a family again. After all, we do have fun when we’re all together.”

It’s important for divorced parents to know that often times, either extreme isn’t good for the child. You have to model a healthy balance and acceptance of change (because things do change with divorce) and prepare your kids accordingly.

The Non Pleasing Ex-Wife

The heading was not meant to bash ex-wives. I only write and speak from either personal experience or solid research, and according to research, often times the most intrusive and least flexible member of the stepfamily is the ex-wife, not the ex-spouse, but the ex-wife. She feels a huge sense of entitlement because she is the mother of the children in the stepfamily, often causing the people pleasing dad and stepmom to walk on eggshells around her.  Although she is rarely in the position of having to please everyone, she does have a difficult job in aiding her children in the transitional period of divorce. She has the power to influence her children by either encouraging or discouraging the relationship with their paternal family and stepmom. She has the power to encourage her children to embrace this change or hold on to the past. Additionally, she has to filter through her own emotions while helping her children as she is often times the custodial parent and therefore the children are with her most of the time. Simply put, the divorced dad often times gets a chance to breathe after the divorce. It’s easier for him to embrace the change much sooner than the ex-wife because he gets a chance to grieve and get used to the idea, but the ex-wife must keep going. She must help her children adjust while sometimes pushing her own feelings aside to focus on them. She reacts out of a fear of change because she barely has time to wrap her head around the idea. This causes her to make decisions based on that fear instead of doing what’s right for everyone, including her. That being said, as a society, we understand and sympathize with the ex-wife more than anyone else in the stepfamily and give her the benefit of the doubt way more than we should. The adjustment period for the ex-wife should not last several years. You can’t expect everyone to be understanding and sympathetic to your plight for that long.

As I stated earlier the root cause of people pleasing is fear of rejection and this fear can create a very damaging pattern of behavior in our lives. It’s important to realize that you cannot allow someone else’s negative thoughts or issues to govern how you feel about yourself or how you make decisions. Setting healthy boundaries is an important part of life and part of setting boundaries is learning to say NO! Self-care, even for the stepmother, is not a wicked thing because as Diane mentioned in her article, you can’t effectively do your job as a parent or step-parent, in your career or even as a friend, if you aren’t taking care of yourself.

Next Page »