Kela and Diane Offer Holiday Tips for Divorced and Remarried Parents

Diane says…

Christmas is a time of celebration, right?  It’s no secret that challenges can be bountiful during the holidays for the modern family but if you are willing to leave the bitterness behind and put forth a little extra effort, you can cope and survive through each holiday season with the co-parent(s) in your modern family.  Of course accomplishing this is no easy task but once you get there, the reward is definitely worth the effort.  Not to mention, the most important outcome is when you get to watch and enjoy the happiness of your children that Christmas brings out in all of them.  In every family there are challenges, but meeting in the middle instead of power struggling with your co-parent is one way to resolve unnecessary conflict.  I cannot emphasize enough that in order to avoid conflict, you need to plan ahead.  For example, if you and your co-parent split Christmas Day, don’t wait until the last minute or the day before to decide when your child will share time with his/her other parent and then arbitrarily think that your plan is going to sit well with your co-parent.  On the other hand, if you are the non-custodial parent and you know that there is a special tradition that the custodial parent and your child enjoys every year together – do your best to work around it — it’s called teamwork.  For those of you that absolutely find your panties in a bunch every holiday over the same issues, or if you just happen to work best by the sticking to the court order, then by all means that is always the safest way to navigate the holidays.  Stick to the court order!

Kela says…

In addition to the many challenges that divorced parents face during the holiday season, remarried couples also have their fair share. Competition over which biological set of children in the house receives the most can be a factor. Who’s going to buy what is another. Some couples choose to combine their finances and allot a certain amount for each kid no matter who they biologically belong to. Others choose to keep things separate by buying Christmas gifts for their respective children with their ex-spouses (the biological parents).

Scheduling can also present a problem for the remarried couple, especially when they both come into the marriage with children. Detailing the arrangements regarding what time and how much each set of children will spend with their non-custodial parents, making time for you all to spend together as a newly formed family and visiting both sets of in-laws and/or extended family members can often times seem like an extreme sport. During this time of year it’s important to maintain realistic expectations, realizing that stepfamilies cannot operate as first families do. While it’s important that you make time to gel as a stepfamily, it’s not crucial that you do so on Christmas day. Many stepfamilies elect to spend the day before or after Christmas opening a few presents and developing new family traditions together. It all depends on what works for your unique family situation and every modern family is indeed unique.

Coping through this season with your co-parent and/or remarried spouse isn’t as hard as it seems if you both make the effort to show mutual respect, give and take a little on both sides and take into consideration each others’ feelings in order to enjoy the wonder and happiness of Christmas.

What about you BFSO readers? What are some of the unique challenges that you face with your ex-spouse and/or spouse during the Christmas season? How do you deal with those challenges?

Happy Holidays,

Kela and Diane

The People Pleaser Part II

TMF writer and stepfamily counselor Diane and I recently had a conversation about people pleasers. It all started with a daily spiritual inspiration which Diane sends me every morning.  Two important lines in this daily inspiration read as follows:

“Be aware and watch for the enemy’s devices that will saddle you with imposition as he pressures you to act out of a sense of obligation instead of being moved by My Spirit. Obligation has its roots in a spirit of fear. The fear of rejection results in being a people-pleaser.”

The corresponding biblical verse was 1 Thessalonians 2:4 But as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, even so we speak, not as pleasing men, but God who tests our hearts.

Diane talked about her personal and general experience with people pleasing in her post, but I want to get more specific and delve into how it affects the stepfamily. Unfortunately, if the stepfamily is not handled properly; meaning every member of the stepfamily is not responsible and mindful of their own actions and emotions and how they affect the other members of the stepfamily, it can perpetuate a few forms of the “people pleaser.” Let’s go over them below.

The People Pleasing Remarried Dad

The people pleasing dad is created because he beats his head against the wall trying to keep his ex-wife happy so she won’t prevent him or make it extremely difficult for him to see his kids; keep his wife from getting upset because he works overtime to be overly accommodating to his ex-wife and alter his children’s reality so they won’t be too upset over the divorce. The people pleasing dad doesn’t want to be rejected by his wife, his kids or his ex-wife and instead makes decisions that are based on that fear of rejection instead of based on doing what’s right for everyone, including himself.

The People Pleasing Stepmom

The people pleasing stepmom faces many of the same challenges as the people pleasing remarried dad. She works hard to make sure she doesn’t upset the ex-wife because she might keep the kids away from her husband; she doesn’t want to upset her husband because she understands his difficult position and she wants his kids to like her. All of it leads to life of saying yes all the time, bending over backwards to make sure everyone’s happy and often times putting herself dead last. She’s afraid to speak up for herself and set boundaries out of fear of being rejected by her husband, his kids and the ex-wife. She also makes decisions based on that fear instead of doing what’s right for everyone, including herself. Society also places her in a difficult position because if she does speak up, set boundaries, demand some “me time,” she is demonized and labeled as wicked, instead of just another overwhelmed mom who is tired of bending over backwards for everyone in her family. The people pleasing stepmom is most devalued and most misunderstood stepfamily member of them all and she receives the least amount of understanding from her husband, the ex-wife, the kids AND society!

The People Pleasing Kids

Like Diane mentioned in her article, the people pleasing kids are often created when divorced parents choose not to co-parent effectively. When divorced parents put their children in the middle of their divorce by bad mouthing the other parent, sending messages to the other parent through them and overall using their children as a liaison between them, children often feel as if they have to over please their parents in order to make them happy. When you see your parents fight and argue all the time, seemingly over you, you tend to over please when you’re with your parents individually. By that same token, statistics, research and studies have also proven that altering their reality also creates the people pleasing kid. When divorced parents work too hard to make it seem like nothing has changed when everything has changed, children tend to work overtime to please their parents. They feel as if they could please the parents enough, then they will both be happy enough to get back together again. This form of pleasing is meant to show them that, “See, this could work and we could all be a family again. After all, we do have fun when we’re all together.”

It’s important for divorced parents to know that often times, either extreme isn’t good for the child. You have to model a healthy balance and acceptance of change (because things do change with divorce) and prepare your kids accordingly.

The Non Pleasing Ex-Wife

The heading was not meant to bash ex-wives. I only write and speak from either personal experience or solid research, and according to research, often times the most intrusive and least flexible member of the stepfamily is the ex-wife, not the ex-spouse, but the ex-wife. She feels a huge sense of entitlement because she is the mother of the children in the stepfamily, often causing the people pleasing dad and stepmom to walk on eggshells around her.  Although she is rarely in the position of having to please everyone, she does have a difficult job in aiding her children in the transitional period of divorce. She has the power to influence her children by either encouraging or discouraging the relationship with their paternal family and stepmom. She has the power to encourage her children to embrace this change or hold on to the past. Additionally, she has to filter through her own emotions while helping her children as she is often times the custodial parent and therefore the children are with her most of the time. Simply put, the divorced dad often times gets a chance to breathe after the divorce. It’s easier for him to embrace the change much sooner than the ex-wife because he gets a chance to grieve and get used to the idea, but the ex-wife must keep going. She must help her children adjust while sometimes pushing her own feelings aside to focus on them. She reacts out of a fear of change because she barely has time to wrap her head around the idea. This causes her to make decisions based on that fear instead of doing what’s right for everyone, including her. That being said, as a society, we understand and sympathize with the ex-wife more than anyone else in the stepfamily and give her the benefit of the doubt way more than we should. The adjustment period for the ex-wife should not last several years. You can’t expect everyone to be understanding and sympathetic to your plight for that long.

As I stated earlier the root cause of people pleasing is fear of rejection and this fear can create a very damaging pattern of behavior in our lives. It’s important to realize that you cannot allow someone else’s negative thoughts or issues to govern how you feel about yourself or how you make decisions. Setting healthy boundaries is an important part of life and part of setting boundaries is learning to say NO! Self-care, even for the stepmother, is not a wicked thing because as Diane mentioned in her article, you can’t effectively do your job as a parent or step-parent, in your career or even as a friend, if you aren’t taking care of yourself.

Healthy marriage or healthy divorce?

Supernanny Jo Frost

I love the show Supernanny with Jo Frost, the intuitive nanny who is much more than just a nanny. She literally brings families together by opening up lines of communication, teaching parents how to better understand their children and teaching couples how to work together. What I admire most is her “tell it like it is” approach. She’s very understanding and sweet, yet she doesn’t hesitate to put a parent in his or her place, especially when she feels as if his or her actions are negatively affecting the children.

The season premiere aired on Friday and it featured a stepfamily; husband and wife with three biological kids and the wife had a daughter from a previous marriage. The stepfather appeared to be contributing to the problems of his biological children and stepchildren by under disciplining his biological children and over disciplining his 13 year old stepdaughter. After careful observation, Jo-Jo didn’t hesitate to tell him to start acting like an adult. She told him that his kids need him to act like an adult and be the father/father figure in the household. She didn’t let mom off the hook either. She basically told her that her permissive parenting was ruining her daughter and she and her husband needed to start working together to present a unified front for her.  

Jo-Jo often tells parents that their children need them to stop making excuses and to think about their futures and the life skills they need to develop to become strong, well-rounded adults. I couldn’t agree more with Supernanny and this is often my message to clients and readers when they reveal that their households are in total chaos due to all the stepfamily obstacles that many remarried couples face.

Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife who spends more time trying to develop a loving relationship with her ex-husband, but is fighting with her husband about discipline in the household; or a remarried dad who reveals that he feels obligated to fix his ex-wife’s kitchen sink, allow her to be intrusive or spend time with her and the kids because of the kids, I pose this question; “Is it more important and beneficial to your kids to show them what a healthy divorce or a healthy marriage looks like?”  Their usual response is silence, followed by an “I get what you’re saying now.”

Our society has been conditioned to believe that it’s better for children of divorce if we spend all of our time getting the divorced parents to live in harmony rather than developing and nurturing the remarriage. I’m not saying that it isn’t beneficial to the children to see the divorced parents being on the same page and working together to co-parent between two households, but getting them to love and live in harmony is an unrealistic expectation that shouldn’t be made priority over everything else.  Divorced parents who are remarried shouldn’t spend the majority of their time trying to show their children what a healthy divorce looks like instead of showing them what a healthy marriage looks like. Like Supernanny says and most ex-wives say to stepmothers, “remember that you are the adults and it’s time to start putting their needs above your own!” Doing so, [putting their needs above your own] means considering their future beyond the divorce. They need to see a husband and wife being affectionate with one another, working together to run their household,  and disallowing external factors, such as ex-spouses and guilt to wreak havoc on their marriage. Why? Because this is hopefully the future you want for your children and because you failed to show them with your first marriage, take the opportunity to do so with your second.

Ultimately we want to see our children experience happy marriages in adulthood, and in order for that to happen, we must show them what that looks like. Additionally, working too hard to show them a healthy divorce could send the message that divorce is an option. For example, I recently had a conversation with my husband, who is a child of divorce, and he said that he didn’t think divorce was so bad because of what he witnessed with his parents divorce and how he didn’t see his remarried mom and stepdad interact. As a result, with his first marriage, he was divorced in less than 3 years, but he spent all of his time trying to make it work after the divorce instead of working on building a marriage with me. He thought he was doing the right thing because of the examples he had from his childhood. Divorce, instead of marriage, in his opinion, required the most work and therefore making the divorce work was his number one priority.

In a society where 50% of first marriages and 67% of second marriages end in divorce, we need to do something different. More time needs to be spent on nurturing our marriages as opposed to nurturing our divorces.  Our children need to see healthy examples of marriage, instead of putting all of the effort into showing them healthy examples of divorce. Remember, we want them to live happily ever after…marriage, not divorce! BFSO writer and counselor, Diane Greene often says that children live what they learn and this is so true. So, what are you teaching your children? Spending all of your time working on your divorce may make you feel better by ridding you of the guilt over divorcing in the first place, but in the long run, what are you teaching your children? Are you teaching them how to make a marriage work or how to make a divorce work? If so, which one do you think will be better for them in the future?

Counseling for Kids: Wrong or Right?

It’s no secret that everyone at one time or another has had conflict in their lives, whether it be with members of your immediate family, your friends or your work colleagues.  Blended/step-families are no strangers to the same types of conflicts.  Often times, it is the children within these families that experience the most pain and conflict, and most of the time, parents are so wrapped up in the pain and emotions of their divorce that they unintentionally forget about the adjustments their children are having to make.   More often than not, they themselves do not understand the emotional effects that are taking place with their children until it either spirals out of control or causes resentment, both of which becomes damaging to a child’s self worth, self-esteem and confidence.

The first tool that parents seem to turn to when their children are experiencing conflict is counseling.  At first glance, this seems like the right thing to do, correct?  Not always.  Some have even suggested that a child being rushed into counseling, alone, can actually cause more harm than good.

In an article I recently had the pleasure of reading by Gary Direnfield, MSW, RSW in Adoption Week E-Magazine (Blended Family/Kids in Distress:  What to Do?), he discussed this very subject.  Mr. Direnfield suggested that all parents (including step-parents) attend counseling first, together.  However, I am very aware that a great majority of people would not find this idea appeasing and would not be attainable.  If it’s not attainable, he suggests separate counseling for the parents, but with the same counselor.  Mr. Direnfield’s advice is simply put.  Kids in distress?  PARENTS GO TO COUNSELING FIRST!  After reading his article, and with a little more research, I would tend to agree. 

Counseling is an opportunity to resolve conflict through open communication.  For example, if we have  a problem with a friend or a co-worker, usually one person will initate communication to try to resolve the situation or you will talk to your supervisor.  As parents, in the eyes of our children, we are charged to have all of the answers, and unfortunately, quite simply, we do not always.  Sometimes we need help.  Parents obtaining counseling before their children during times of conflict will be able to not only diffuse distress in their kids lives, but also learn how to better effectuate their own communication skills as well and amongst each other.  As Mr. Direnfield so eloquently wrote, for children in distress, in the context of adjustment to a new blended family, rather than just sending the children off to counseling, parents and their partners should enter counseling or for a lack of a better term “parent education” first.

Obviously, BFSO readers, I realize that every persons situation in their respective blended families is different and the circumstances surrounding same need to be taken into consideration, but I tend to agree with Mr. Direnfield’s opinion that parents should attend counseling either first or along with their children in times of conflict to help open up comunication and hopefully find resolution. 

BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this matter! 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

New Zealand considers child support based on need, not income!

The following article was first published here on www.glennsacks.com.

The government of New Zealand is apparently considering changes to its child support laws that would require the non-custodial parent to pay according to the child’s needs, not according to the parent’s income.  According to father’s rights advocate Darrell Carlin, such a change would encourage parents without custody to pay.  In New Zealand, about one-third of non-custodial parents are in arrears on child support obligations.  That’s the most in five years and amounts to over $500 million in arrearages plus $1 billion in penalities.

Carlin added,

“I don’t find many fathers who don’t want to support their kids, but they’re troubled supporting their ex’s lifestyle.”

That’s a common complaint in this country as well.  Here, non-custodial fathers are significantly better about paying child support than are non-custodial mothers, according to U.S. Census Bureau data.  So such a change to the law, if enacted here, would likely be welcomed by “visiting” parents of both sexes.

And, as I’ve reported before, the U.S. Office of Child Support Enforcement has, for a long time, been trying, with little success, to get family courts to set support at levels non-custodial parents are actually capable of paying.  So, since courts aren’t paying much attention to what non-custodial parents earn anyway, maybe it would be a good idea to junk the whole system and start over by looking first to what children need.

Now, ignoring altogether the earnings of the non-custodial parent doesn’t seem like a good idea either.  A parent out of work may be unable to meet even the bare-bones needs of a child, while requiring a wealthy parent to pay only the minimum for a child who’s used to more seems punitive toward the child.  So I’d favor establishing a range with zero as the lower end and some other figure at the upper.  Zero would apply to a parent who is truly destitute and the upper end would be the maximum regardless of the non-custodial parent’s income.

Whatever the merits or demerits of the option now being considered in New Zealand, the real best solution is, once again, equally shared parenting.  With equal or nearly equal time for both parents, and a custody agreement between the two, child support would be unnecessary.  With child support unnecessary in the large majority of cases, we could shut down most of the callous bureaucracy that so often ill serves parents, children and states.

Even with a presumption of equally shared parenting, there will always be some cases in which one parent has primary custody.  In those cases, child support will need to be ordered by a court and it would be a good idea to order it in a way that it can be paid.  In those cases, the idea currently being debated in New Zealand is worth looking at here.

And, not surprisingly, that’s what Darrell Carlin thinks too.  He emphasizes shared parenting as the obvious way to equalize the costs of child care.

BFSO readers, what do you think about enforcing child support based on need and not income. We want to hear from you!

Share good news about your stepfamily

It’s no secret that stepfamilies can be extremely challenging, but they can be successful if the family focuses on building their family. This may be hard to believe because all that seems to be discussed in articles, on blogs, books, etc. is the bad stuff that stepfamilies can’t seem to get past; be it an intrusive ex-wife, a husband who doesn’t understand and support his wife or kids that don’t like and/or respect you. BUT, you can get past those things and your stepfamily, including your children, will benefit as a result.

I’ve mentioned the ladies over at the Stepfamily Letter Project in a couple of posts. It’s a site where stepfamily members can relieve stress by getting things off their chests, anonymously. It’s a good way to vent and blow off some steam before approaching the problem a bit more diplomatically. I think it’s very useful and beneficial and I always encourage my readers and clients to relieve their frustration by speaking their mind in this manner. If you keep it bottled in, you will eventually EXPLODE and that isn’t good for anyone.

That being said, I think it’s equally important that we begin to share what’s going right in our stepfamilies to give other stepfamilies hope for the future. Sure, we’ve probably all been where disgruntled stepfamilies are, but for those of us who happened to, with hardwork, dedication, love and understanding, emerge successfully need to share that good news with everyone.

I’ll start: I’ve made it no secret that the start of my marriage was shaky because my husband and I focused on all the wrong things. We worked tirelessly to try and build a great relationship with his ex-wife because we wanted my bonus son to feel like all was not lost and that we could all be one big happy family. In the process, however, we neglected our marriage and we certainly weren’t one big happy family. As a matter of fact, the ONLY person that was happy was his ex-wife because we catered to her needs. Even my stepson wasn’t happy! Instead of my husband discussing matters that were pertinent to our household with each other, he was discussing them with his ex-wife and I was just forced to do what was convenient for them, but not at all convenient for me. He was trying to prove to her that he could still be a good father by being a great partner to her and offering her support, but he was not a good husband to me and offered me none [support]. But, after many arguments, communication, counseling, love and understanding we began to realize the importance of working on our marriage and family. We made US a priority and as a result, built a marriage and stepfamily that cannot be broken.

For starters, my husband and I are now that disgustingly madly in love couple that still hold hands during car rides; call each other cute little pet names like baby, honey and angel; and can’t keep our hands off each other. He is truly the love of my life and is an EXCELLENT, supportive, loving, understanding husband and father.

Another benefit of my husband and I putting our marriage and family first is how well my son has adjusted. He is an amazingly compassionate, intelligent, strong, wise young man. Navigating through our blended family has taught him to be understanding, forgiving, loving and accepting. He is also excellent with communicating  his feelings, thoughts and beliefs with us. His teachers rave about him being a leader and the peacemaker in class, not to mention that he is a straight A student! Because all of his parents, including my ex and his wife, have worked hard to maintain our separate households while still attempting to work together, our son doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on anything. As a matter of fact, he has NEVER had a desire for his parents to be back together again. He has often expressed that he likes his family just the way it is.

Although my bonus son hasn’t adjusted as well, due to the fact that his mother won’t allow him to see us, the foundation that we built still stays with him. During our phone conversations, he has often expressed that he misses us and wants to come home. As a matter of fact, when he was 9 he told his mother that when he turned 10 he was going to live with us. Additionally, he has often told me [his evil stepmother] how much he misses me and my 200,000 questions that I always ask him. Side note: I always asked him about his friends at school, what he did at recess, his favorite foods that his stepfather cooked for him, if he liked girls, yet… I always thought I got on his nerves when I did that, but it turns out that’s one of the things he actually misses about me.

Overall, my husband and I have built a strong marriage and family for our children and as a result, our children have been able to witness a healthy marriage and develop skills that are and will continue to be beneficial to them in the future. More importantly, we’ve given them a sense of family that they will not forget and can continue to rely on.

See, there are many positive stepfamilies out there, even if the ex-wife is intrusive and destructive. You just have to make a firm commitment to each other, as husband and wife, and as a family. Work on building your marriage and strong relationships within your immediately family first. If you do so, you can build a strong stepfamily and that’s certainly good news.

What about you? TMF wants to start a Good News Stepfamily Project. We want you readers to start spreading the good news about your stepfamily. Maybe you too have gotten through the many obstacles that stepfamilies face and are now a strong stepfamily unit. If so, we need to start spreading this message of hope. It is true that many of us face battles with the exes, challenges with our stepchildren and even our spouses, initially, but it is possible to get past all that. If you have indeed gotten past it, we want to hear your good news. You can either leave a comment following this post and/or send your good news to goodnews@blendedfamilysoapopera.com. We’ll post all of your good news comments and emails in the good news section of our site so that everyone can see and understand that it is possible to jump those hurdles and create and maintain a healthy stepfamily.

Counselors are human, not God

For some reason people seem to put impossibly high expectations on counselors. We are not supposed to get angry or upset. We must pretend like we have it together all the time, and we must have ALL the answers to ANY and EVERY problem you present to us – WRONG! Counselors are human, not God. Although I techinically have the title of Certified Stepfamily Counselor, I don’t even like to use the word counselor. That title or word is attached to some sort of unattainable perfection that leaves people feeling as if we think we’re better than we are and WE ARE NOT. We are people who feel a wide range of emotions just like everyone else. When we feel attacked, we feel the urge to attack back AND sometimes we do. We get mad, sad, angry and happy, and sometimes we have to let it all out. As a matter of fact, I recommend it; it’s therapeutic to vent from time to time.

Many people who are living in blended families definitely need an outlet to get things off their chests. Internalizing these feelings can often times make things worse. I suggest to readers and clients to purchase a journal, start a blog or tell a friend (who will not judge you) what you are feeling about your frustrations regarding your blended family life. You don’t have to tell that person you’re in conflict with directly. Doing the above-mentioned is therapeutic enough; trust me. Another great option is visiting The Stepfamily Letter Project, a site designed to allow blended families to write anonymous letters to a member of their family. Stepmoms, stepdads, stepkids, husbands, bio-moms, half-siblings -  can write letters to the people in their families – be it heartful and joyful to angry or sad. The authors of each letter is kept secret and it’s up to you to decide whether or not you’ll share them with your family. It’s a brilliant idea as we ALL need that outlet from time to time; even counselors!!

Because of this unattainble idea of perfection that many people attach to counselors, some people feel as if they shouldn’t go to a counselor who isn’t perfect. I disagree. I’d prefer to speak with someone who can relate to what I am going through and therefore will not judge me.

Anytime I get an email from a reader or a potential client, the first thing I almost always hear is, “I was really hesitant about contacting you because I don’t want to be judged.” To which I reply, “Have you read my blog? You will experience no judgement days with me.” When they ask me if I have ever felt like throwing the ex-wife, second wife, my ex…in front of a freight train, I reply with, “Of course, sometimes I still do!” After they are done talking to me they almost always comment on the fact that I am relatable and honest about my own feelings. I don’t judge because I’ve been where they’re at and still feel the same things (from time to time) that they may be feeling. They appreciate the fact that I am human and beg them not to apologize for what they are feeling as we are all entitled to feel the way we feel. IT IS COMPLETELY NATURAL! It makes them feel less threatned and intimidated by this ridiculous idea of perfection. None of us are perfect and counselors aren’t here to act like we are, while judging you. We are here to lend an ear and offer advice and support based on our experiences and/or academic knowledge. We know that life isn’t about perfection or not having conflict. It’s about how you work through and manage your conflict and how you accept life’s many imperfections along the way.

Again, I don’t like to use the word counselor. I’d much rather be viewed as a friend who’s willing to be an open book regarding her journey so that you can learn, whether it’s what to do or what not to do, while on your journey.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

Divorce, remarriage and competitive children

Divorce and remarriage affects children in a number of different ways. Sadly, experts are confused about exactly how and offer conflicting advice to those in need of help. 

The answer to this question is not an easy one which is mainly the reason experts are so confused. Many experts give the traditional answer that if your child is disobedient, doing poorly in school, has behavioral problems and/or is anxious and depressed, then you can conclude that the divorce is affecting him. But if he is  not any experiencing any of those issues, then he is not. This is not necessarily the case. It is true that most children will react this way due to the stress of the divorce, but there are some who don’t. Some children will become overly responsible as they try to compensate for the loss of the parent. They feel the need to take care the custodial parent and be overly pleasing to both. Additionally, children whose parents remarry may become extremely competitive as they feel they are in constant competition with either the new spouse, stepsiblings or both. They might take out their aggressiveness and anger through sports. Their grades might actually improve because they want to prove that they are the best so that bio mom and dad will love and acknowledge them again. It’s important to realize that although being involved in sports and wonderful grades certainly aren’t a bad thing; the reason why is important. These kids are working overtime because they don’t feel good about themselves and are therefore trying to prove their worth. As such, if you notice this in your child, constantly reassure him that he is loved and supported to boost his self-esteem. It’s also helpful to reward him for his good grades and cheer him on at his sporting events to give him that recognition and validation that he is seeking.

That being said, when parents do a good job a managing stress and keeping conflict to a minimum, some children are actually pretty resilient when it comes to divorce. These children feel and function pretty much like children whose parents are still married.

As you can see there are a number of different ways that children react to divorce. It’s a stressful ongoing event and time in their lives. Parents, however, can minimize the stress and decrease their chances of developing emotional problems by working together to avoid high conflict situations. Parents must also realize that if you are experiencing a high-conflict, long, drawn out divorce, even if you both remarry, you can GUARANTEE that your children are experiencing stress as a result of it, in some way shape or form.

Blended family stories

Carol Shwanda over at www.shwanda.com is preparing to write a book about blended families and she’d like your input. Below is more information about the upcoming book and how you can help be a part of it. Afterwards, stop by her blog at www.shwanda.com.

I’ve decided to write a book about blended families, and as part of my research I would like to hear from my readers. The tentative title is  Blended Family Stories: An in depth look at the real life struggles, hurdles challenges and joys of successful blended families. It is not an advice book per se, although there will be a lot  of that. It  will be more of a humorous, inspiring real life account of how blended families  have handled the different challenges we face.  I’ll cover all relevant topics like disciplining your step children, combining households and family bonding – to name a few.

What I am looking for are stories readers can identify with and relate to. Many of the books I have read on the subject were either told through an analytical or clinical perspective or with a specific focus, such as what it was it was like for the author to become a step mom.  Being the story teller that I am, I always wanted more. How did you meet your spouse? How did you know he was the one? When moving in together how did you make room for all your stuff? What was the best advice you got? What would you do differently if you had the chance? And if you had to do it all over again, would you? If you would like to answer these questions and more, please take my blended family survey. I assure you your identity and any identifying information will be kept in confidence and changed in the book.

Carol Shwanda chronicles her blended family’s lives and experiences offering hope, guidance, wisdom, inspiration and humor to anyone who is in or about to enter into a blended family. Please visit www.shwanda.com for more information.

Common complaints of remarried couples

The most important thing a remarried couple can do is intently listen and try to understand their spouse’s perception of reality. Why does your husband seem to jump every time his ex-wife calls, even if it has nothing to do with the child? Why does your wife seem withdrawn and even resentful sometimes when your children come to visit? If you don’t communicate with your spouse, with a true attempt to understand his or her feelings, you could derive the conclusion that your husband is a whimp or your wife is just cruel. This is not the case. Once you begin to be mindful, with every step you take, of your spouse’s perception of reality, you can take steps to correct the  negative energy you both are putting into your relationship. Below are some common complaints of remarried couples. Do you recognize any or all of them?

Divorce/Remarried Dad Complaints About His Current Wife

1. She knew I had a child when she married me, so why is she acting this way now?
2. She’s obsessed by everything my ex-wife does.
3. Sometimes it seems as if there is an edge of nastiness in her voice when she talks to my child(ren).
4. Does she realize how painful it is for me to not be there with my child(ren) on a regular basis?
5. How can she expect me to actually discipline them when I see them so little?
6. I’m afraid they won’t want to come back if I start discipling them.
7. She sees things that they do that I never see.
8. Sure my ex-wife has control over me; she controls my children.
9. I know my ex-wife is trying to cause trouble, but she needs to understand that we have to deal with it because she has my children.

Stepmother/Remarried Mom Complaints About Her Husband

1. Everyone in his life, his kids, his job and even his ex-wife comes before me.
2. His ex calls and he jumps.
3. It seems as if his ex-wife has more influence over him than I do.
4. My money goes to support this family and his goes to take care of his ex-wife and his children.
5. His ex-wife is NOT appreciative of everything I do for her children. She still continues to bitch and moan about everything.
6. I never get a thank you. It’s like they (my husband, his ex-wife and their children) think I’m supposed to do everything I do.
7. Guilt runs his relationship with his children.
8. He expects me to be there and handle his children while he’s at the office or working out and then he wants me to go out to dinner with them.
9. It seems as if I’m doing most of the work for their children, but I get the least amount of respect.
10. He seems to think that the only feelings that matter are his, his kids and his ex-wife, but I have children and an ex-spouse too.
11. We have to pay special attention to HIS kids because divorce and remarriage is hard for them. Guess what? MY kids are going through the same thing, so should we allow them all to run wild because of it?
12. He knew I had children when he met me too.
13. My world will not revolve around him, his ex-wife and their children – forget it!
14. I am his wife now. I should come first and I refuse to share this position with his ex-wife!

Remarried couples must learn to view their relationship the same as they do a first marriage if they have any chance of survival. Sure, the situation is different because one or both of you may have children now, but you are husband and wife. You are the pillars that hold your family together. You are committed to protecting your partner and your marriage from meddling ex-spouses. Your ex-spouse’s needs shouldn’t be put above your current spouses’s needs (not wants).

It is important to realize that these complaints are classic in stepfamilies and it is important to realize your spouse’s perception of reality before you can do something to change it. More importantly, it is crucial that you not allow these negative barriers to destroy your relationship. Lastly, seek help from a trained stepfamily therapist to assist you with working through such issues before it’s too late. To schedule an appointment with me, Kela Price, please send an email to kela@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.

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