Advice for Single Divorced Moms

Single Divorced Mom and Actress, Nia Long

As a stepmother, I realize that we have very difficult positions in our stepfamilies. Many have been thoroughly discussed and explained right here on this blog. However, as a former single mother, I understand how difficult this position can be as well.

It is easy to lose yourself while going through a divorce or breakup while trying to raise a child simultaneously. As I’ve stated in earlier posts, the divorced mom has to keep going regardless. Finding the time to grieve the loss of a life she once knew and figuring out a way to move forward is a challenging task for the single divorced mom because she is often times the custodial parent.  She is responsible for the daily tasks involving the children and can’t stop for long periods of time to cry, scream and/or just collect herself. As a result, her emotions are often all over the place and she clings to what she feels like she has some control over – HER CHILDREN.  For a minute, let’s put ourselves in her shoes. Ex-husband gets more free time to grieve, to figure out his next move and to date. I realize that he’s a parent too, but let’s be honest; an every other weekend dad pales in comparison to the job of a full-time mom. On top of that, he has the nerve to demand when, where and for how long he can see children who she is primarily responsible for AND, don’t let him get a girlfriend or a wife, who is now on the other end putting in her demands as well. The nerve of these people trying to step in and tell her how to raise children that she’s had to give up her life and sacrifice so much for. Dad is clearly out having a life, while her time is limited because she has the kids most of the time.

I bet she’s thinking, “The nerve of these people.” “They should show me a little more respect as the woman who primarily cares for these children, instead of acting like my opinion doesn’t even count!” I certainly know that’s I initially felt this way as a single mother. It truly did feel like my ex and his wife were ganging up on me instead of working with me to raise our son.

As you can imagine I was initially really upset because the situation felt extremely unfair to me. But, then I started to look at the situation from a different point of view. I realized that my ex asking for more time to spend with our son could actually work to my benefit, duh! All along I had been complaining that while he got to run off and live his life, I was the one who had to sacrifice to be the full-time parent. Well giving him more uninterrupted time would give me more time! I’d be a fool to challenge that just because of my ego. As a result, I decided that he could have him whenever he wanted and our son could visit with him whenever and for how ever long he wanted to. I would not stand in their way because by doing so, I was standing in my way as well.

In a interview with Clutch Magazine, actress and divorced single mother, Nia Long said that she looks forward to her “Nia Time.” She went on to say that part of maintaining her peace of mind is making sure she carves out those moments for herself; moments to workout, take mini vacations or spend time with her girlfriends.  By doing so, she is able to return to her mommy duties refreshed and recharged, ready to do it all over again! She also encouraged single mothers to ask and accept help and expressed that her ex-husband is very involved in their 9 year old son’s life.

It’s important for the single divorced mom to get out there and get her groove back. I want to encourage you all to let go a little and allow your ex-husband to spend more time with his kids. It doesn’t mean that you’ve lost or will lose anything. Your babies will ALWAYS be your babies, no matter how wonderful stepmom is, she’ll never be able to replace you. Find comfort in knowing that and use this time to get out there and regain your independence. Take a mini vacation, do something that you’ve always wanted to do, flirt a little, laugh a lot and finally realize that more time for dad means more time for you! It is possible to still be a divorced mom without losing yourself.

So to all my modern day divorced mommies, the next time the kids are away, (don’t worry they are in good hands) promise me that you will play. Put on a little black dress, call up a girlfriend and get out there and get your groove back. Remember, you are more than just a mom or an ex-wife, you are a beautiful woman who deserves to feel like that every moment you get. It doesn’t make you a bad parent. It will actually make you a better one!

Grace and Peace,

Kela

2010 Mind and Body Tune Up for Mom!

Leaving all of the stresses of 2009 in 2009 won’t be easy, but by committing yourself to a mind and body tune up in 2010, you will serve yourself well.

If you are like many, the stresses of everyday life can leave you feeling not only stressed but exhausted mentally and physically, all of which can leave not just you, but your modern family members feeling completely out of sync with you as well. As parents, whether bio or step, we often put our own health, well-being and self-care aside to take care of others. Women are especially guilty of putting themselves last on the list of being cared for.

Although I love to offer you readers my own helpful hints from time to time, the tips I read in the January 2010 issue of People Extra were some of the best I have seen. Each one of them gave me personally something to think about in my own life and I wanted to share the same with our readers:

10 Little Life Balancers:

1. Get into nature. Head for a hiking trail or a local park. Walk along a beach or along a river. Nature has healing powers.
   
2. Connect with a friend. We all need them for support, advice and laughs. Meet for coffee, catch a movie, or just call and catch up.
   
3. Connect with an animal. “Pet therapy” lifts the spirits and takes your mind off yourself for a while.
   
4. Center yourself. Anytime, anywhere: put your attention on your breath in one spot and leave it there. You’ll feel calmer and more grounded.
   
5. Sweat it out. When you’re tense, a vigorous workout is a great way to blow off steam (check with your doctor before starting an exercise regimen).
   
6. Say NO. It’s OK if you don’t do everything all of the time.
   
7. Say YES. If someone offers to help, let them.
   
8. Express yourself. Write in a journal or make art. Unleash the creative force within you.
   
9. Do something spontaneous. Shake up the routine. Take a drive in a new direction – or be a tourist in your own hometown.
   
10. Have a drink. And make it water! Water is an essential nutrient for the body.

A couple of little extra honorable mentions in the article discussed something a girlfriend and I just discussed today. Take a trip to a new place you’ve never been before. It doesn’t have to be exotic or expensive. Or, find a nook or cranny in your home that you can designate as “your space.” We all deserve a place that we can retreat to in private. Make it your own. One little extra tip I would like to share with you is a little gift my husband gives me once or twice a year. That is the gift of a nice hotel room all to myself for a night. I check in at noon and don’t check out until noon the next day. I take all my books, my hobby items and I curl up alone and watch television and have my own time to myself. As a mother. step-mom and career woman, at times, I spread myself very thin. This little treat is very special and helps me to reinvent, listen and re-center myself. I challenge you readers to try some of the above tips to reinvigorate and give yourself a mind and body tune-up for 2010 – I know I will be trying all of them!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Establishing expectations between the stepmother and divorced mother

Recently, I posted an article written by author and stepmom, Wednesday Martin, entitled; Ex-Wives, What Your Child’s Stepmother Wants You to Know. Jennifer Newcomb Marine, co-author of No One’s The Bitch, wrote this, What The Divorced Mom Has to Say, in response to Martin and other stepmothers. After thoroughly reading, dissecting and digesting both of these articles and their subsequent comments, I discovered what I and most of us already know. Both the stepmother and divorced mom, along with everyone else in the modern family, is trying to adjust to this new type of family. Both want to be respected and not demonized for their respective roles, and both want a little understanding along the way. That much is clear and has been for awhile now.

Ex-wives and wives have spent so much time focusing on the obvious. We both know that adjusting to divorce, remarriage and the modern family is difficult, especially if we live through it each day. We can even empathize and relate to what each other is going through, but focusing on this issue clearly doesn’t lead to solutions.

There have been plenty of books, articles, blog posts, and discussions on understanding each others’ pain, but continually focusing on the obvious only makes each side feel more angry and entitled. As a matter of fact, while reading many of the comments from both articles, women admitted or it was implied in the tone of their comment, that they were angry about what each other had to say. The divorced moms were shouting that it wasn’t easy sharing their children with the stepmom, and they wanted to be cut some slack. The stepmoms were saying that it wasn’t easy for them either and they would like a little understanding as well. If you’re a divorced mom and /or a stepmom, then you’ve probably heard this or something similar before. My question is; now that we’ve heard both sides of the story, over and over again, what do we do with this information?

Anytime I sit down with an ex-wife and wife, who are clearly both committed to making it work, because they both have approached me for help, they both want to vent their sides of the story. And often times, it sounds just like the articles mentioned above and their subsequent comments. “I feel this way and you need to understand, cut me slack and empathize with me.” My question to them is always, what does that mean? What does it look like? When you say you want me to cut you some slack and understand where you’re coming from, what is it that you want me to do?

Divorced Mom

When you say you want me to cut you some slack and empathize with you, does that mean you want stepmom to allow you to be intrusive? Does that mean she should be okay with you encouraging, no matter how discretely, your children to dislike her because you feel threatened? Does that mean that she should invite you to holiday dinners or to go on vacation with her because that’s what YOU, not necessarily your children, want? Does empathizing with you mean that you can continue to act out because the divorce isn’t easy for you?

Stepmothers

What does this understanding look like for you? Does it mean that you get to treat the divorced mom’s children/ your husband’s children, like they are sloppy seconds because you don’t love them like your own? Does it mean that you get to refuse to even slightly communicate with the divorced mom because you feel as if you shouldn’t have to co-parent with her to a certain extent?

When asked those set of questions, the conversation begins to get more productive because it talks about what both parties expect instead of solely focusing on how they feel. One way (let’s just talk about how we feel) allows us to continually beat a dead horse and spin our wheels, and the other way (what do we expect from each other), allows us to focus on solutions to a problem that largely contributes to the modern family’s inability to peacefully coexist.

After expectations comes acceptance. Both parties must accept the fact that things are going to be a certain way. The divorced mom must respect and accept that she cannot come to holiday dinners or expect her ex-husband to fix her kitchen sink, if it’s not okay with the stepmother. Why? Because she is married to your ex-husband now and that marriage must be respected. She is not the second wife that your husband took on in his concubine, and therefore she must share him with you. He has one wife and she would like to create special holiday traditions and memories with her new family that are separate from you. Just like you wouldn’t have welcomed an ex-girlfriend or another woman into your marriage when you were married to him. The stepmother understands that you will share some level of interaction concerning the kids. She knows that you will be at extra curricular activities, school plays and attend parent teacher conferences, but everything she does with her husband and your children is not up for debate.

Stepmothers you must accept that the ex-wife needs to communicate with your husband. Yes, she is going to need to call him on a regular basis. They may need to discuss child support, modified visitation arrangements, school issues and other issues pertaining to the kids. Additionally, you must accept that you will even have to communicate with her from time to time. Whether it’s during drop off and pick up, or phone call that you happen to pick up when she calls. You must also accept that your presence isn’t required at every single thing either, just because you are his wife. For example, it might be best to allow the biological parents to attend the parent teacher conferences and allow your husband to inform you of anything that you need to be made aware of.

Overall, both parties must realize that while they are entitled to certain feelings, the actions that follow aren’t always appropriate, acceptable or helpful to anyone in the modern family, including the children. We must learn to be in charge of our own feelings, form realistic expectations of each other, respect each others’ respective positions in the modern family and accept our reality. Our reality is that neither of us are going anywhere anytime soon. Divorced mom, you have to accept and respect that stepmom is the wife now and lady of her house. And stepmom, you have to accept and respect that divorced mom is the mother of your husband’s children…period. Just remember that “acceptance of what has happened is the first, most profound step of overcoming the consequences of any misfortune.”

BFSO readers, we want to hear your opinions on the matter. Stepmothers and divorced mothers, what are your expectations of each other? Have you clearly thought about them? Are they realistic? Are they what’s best for your children and not just YOU? Let us know by chiming in on the discussion.