Noncustodial Mom and Founder of CFAA Speaks Out

The next guest in our interview series with dynamic women is a non-custodial mom, competitive fitness athlete, survivor of domestic violence AND my cousin (I’m so proud that I get to say that), Nichole Cruz. Before I share her insight on fitness, motherhood, divorce and moving on, let me share what I have learned from her. No matter what she has struggled with she is not bitter; she’s better because of it. She has learned to channel any negative feelings she has as a result of her circumstances through fitness, accept her reality and try to make the best of it. Check out our interview below and enjoy!

Kela: You are a divorced mom of 3; is it difficult to balance dating, work and motherhood?

 Nichole:  When the children were younger, being a divorced mother and juggling day to day tasks was quite challenging and exhausting.  After my divorce I maintained working hours that were conducive to motherhood 8 to 5pm and even starting my own business to create my own hours.  I also incorporated my children into my workout routine; taking them to a local track and bringing along soccer balls and bikes so they can exercise while I ran.  In terms of dating, it was always important for me to keep my social life separate from my role as a mother.  I dated when the children were spending their time with their father.  It’s never easy dividing your time, however putting each role into their respective levels of importance is key. 

 Kela: Divorce is difficult for most, as we all know. How has fitness empowered you, not only physically but emotionally and mentally?

 Nichole:  I am a survivor of domestic violence.  I began my transformation a tad bit backwards, from the outside in.  After my third child, I returned to the gym with a friend of mine and began to gain physical strength and transforming my body.  As the physical changes emerged, the emotional and mental changes followed.  I began to rediscover my outer and inner strength which in turn, empowered me to leave the marriage, as a stay-at-home Mom, with no money – only my children and a minivan to my name.  One’s sense of self and self-confidence comes from FEELING good on the inside.  I began mine from the outside: I felt confident looking in the mirror which transformed my inner being.  The Phoenix tattoo on my back was a symbol of rebirth – of going through hell and emerging stronger and more powerful than before.

 Kela: How difficult is it being a non-custodial mom? What are some things that you did to cope once the custody decision was made? How did you help your children cope?

 Nichole: Traditionally, women were awarded custodial custody of the children post divorce, which was initially what happened in my case.  As the children grew, my ex-husband and I amended the original parenting agreement several times and most recently via a custody battle, my children’s father was awarded custodial parenting time.  Although it was not by choice, I had to determine how I was going to maintain my relationship with my children as they were accustomed to.  Because they are teenagers, it is a little easier to cope with the decision although it is still unsettling.  They all have cell phones, so I will either text or call them daily.  I ensure that I am involved with their education by keeping in contact with their teachers, keeping up with their grades and attending their sporting and school functions.  I try to stay involved in every aspect of their lives so that where they sleep doesn’t limit their contact with me or mine with them.   I also make sure that my parenting time with them is quality time, reconnecting and enjoying each other’s company, yet getting down to business and still being “Mom.”

 Kela: What advice do you have for other divorced moms? Non-Custodial moms?

 Nichole: My advice to other divorced Mom’s would be to make sure you stand up for what you want in terms of your children.  Your voice is extremely important and deserves to be heard.  As a non-custodial Mom, you may have to fight harder in order for your wants for your children to be heard and valued.  Don’t allow anyone to make you feel lesser than a mother because the legal system dictated the percentage of time you are allowed with your children.  Make sure the children know that you love them and are always accessible to them regardless of where they reside.

 Kela: Okay, let’s talk fitness. Give me 4 easy, but beneficial exercises a mom can do from the comfort of her own home?

 Nichole: This is my passion!  There are so many things you can do at home to stay in shape!  Body weight exercises are perfect to tone your muscles without going to a gym.  The following is a sample circuit which incorporates cardio and weight bearing exercises to get that metabolism stoked!

 60 seconds jumping jacks/running in place

60 seconds squats – thighs parallel to the ground

60 seconds push ups – if it gets tough, drop to your knees but KEEP MOVING

60 seconds crunches/sit ups (10 crunches, 10 situps – rotate for 60 seconds)

60 second rest

Repeat circuit 5 times – you will have completed 25 minutes of a muscle toning, total body workout! 

 Kela: How important is physical fitness for those who lead stressful lives?

Nichole: Physical fitness is not only important for the average individual, but more so for those who have stressful lives.  Exercise can cause release of chemicals called endorphins into your blood stream. These give you a feeling of happiness and positively affect your overall sense of well-being. Physically, exercise improves your cardiovascular functions by strengthening and enlarging the heart, causing greater elasticity of the blood vessels, increasing oxygen throughout your body, and lowering your blood levels of fats such as cholesterol and triglycerides. All of this, of course, means less chance of developing heart conditions, strokes, or high blood pressure. Mentally, exercise provides an outlet for negative emotions such as frustration, anger, and irritability, thereby promoting a more positive mood and outlook. Exercise improves mood by producing positive biochemical changes in the body and brain. Regular exercise reduces the amount of adrenal hormones your body releases in response to stress.  Beyond the stress, it’s important to model a healthy lifestyle for your children.  Our children are becoming more sedentary as our society increases technology.  Being fit increases the likelihood that your children an even your grandchildren adopt a healthy lifestyle and opt for healthy choices. 

 I am a 38 year young mother of three, a Personal Trainer as well as a Competitive Fitness Athlete.  I have been competing in Figure Competitions for approximately 4 years and most recently placed 5^th in a local competition.  I have developed an association: CFAA -Competitive Fitness Athletes Association, to promote, develop and cultivate the competitive fitness athlete of color.  To learn more about the sport and about CFAA please email me:  cfathletes@gmail.com.  The website is soon to follow.

Crisis in the Family Court System

Crisis in the family court system was the topic of a Dr. Phil show that aired a couple of days ago. He wanted to know if the legal system was letting our children down, and according to the testimonies of his guests, it is! His guests stories were centered around domestic violence and the women who pleaded with the family court judges to order supervised visitation out of fear that their ex-husbands would harm or even kill their children. After several attempts, the judges assumed that the women were lying and denied their requests for supervised visits and/or restraining orders. As a result, the ex-husbands were able to follow through with their threats and ended up killing their own children, just so that their mother wouldn’t have them either. My heart ached for these women as I can imagine how they must feel knowing that they tried to stop such a horrific act from occurring, but couldn’t persuade a judge to listen to them.

My answer to the above-mentioned question; is the family court system failing our children, is a resounding yes! Having said that, there is some benefit to adhering to certain legal orders in family court. For example, visitation orders which indicate days and times of visitation prevent mom and dad from arguing over who gets the child, when and for how long. I have often expressed, however, that overall the courts rarely act in the best interest of the children for a few reasons:

The Most Persuasive Argument

Judges are taught and programmed to pay the most attention to the most persuasive argument and usually the most persuasive argument comes from the most experienced attorney or an extremely charismatic individual who is representing his or herself.  This does not mean that this argument is coming from or for the person who is actually acting in the best interest of the child. It simply means that he or she had the most money to hire an experienced, really good attorney or he or she is a damn good con artist. Judges are only concerned with the facts and not the emotion, so it’s best that you present your case and back it up with some concrete evidence (emails, text messages, saved voice mails, letters, witness statements…). Going to court and pleading your undying love for your children and/or saying that you fear for their lives, apparently and unfortunately, won’t cut it.  They will only assume that you are lying and will do anything so that he will rule in your favor.

Influenced by Societal Perception

We often forget that judges are not little forms of God; they are human and therefore are influenced by society as well as what they see in the media regarding divorce and remarriage. Some judges just automatically think that dad is a deadbeat because it is what society has believed and projected for so long. Whether it is through a movie, talk show, television show, magazine, etc. , they form their overall opinions from those types of mediums, especially if they haven’t experienced divorce or stepfamily life themselves.  That being said, recently society has created a new perception called the lying mother. No matter what she says, she’s just lying because she wants to keep her children away from their father. Judges will be persuaded to go with one of those two scenarios and unfortunately, most times they’ve already made up their minds based on the view they’ve received from the media instead of paying close attention to the individual case.

Lack of Knowledge

Most judges have no personal experience regarding the dynamics of divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life and therefore rely on what they’ve heard (usually in the media as mentioned above) to give the final ruling in their cases. They also rely on parental liasons/advocates, individuals who are usually clinical psychologists whom are appointed to provide the judge with information (after talking to both parents and the child), solely based on the best interest of the child. They are appointed to give that unbiased view of the situation so the judge can make an unbiased decision. The problem is that most of these individuals have no or very little knowledge regarding they complex dynamics of divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life either. As such, you just get a bunch of people making a bunch of generalized decisions for children who are caught in the middle.

As a result of the above-mentioned we end up with children who are alienated from their fathers because the judge assumes he’s a deadbeat and their mother is the victim. We end up with children who are awarded custody to abusers because the judge assumes the mother is lying and the father isn’t a deadbeat. And all these generalized decisions definitely aren’t in the best interest of the children. The question that remains, however, is how do we attempt to fix a broken family court system. In my personal and professional opinion, blogs, magazines, books, etc., written by people who are actually or have experienced divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life, will help to shed some light on the different types of issues that these modern families face. In my professional opinion, we need more advocates (stepfamily therapists) in the system who are really knowledgeable on the issues of the stepfamily, divorce and remarriage and those individuals are people who are living or have lived it.

Overall, judges in the family court system need to realize that there isn’t a one size fits all approach to ruling in these types of cases. Not all dads are deadbeats. Some mothers do purposely alienate their children from their fathers out of nothing but spite. BUT, not all mothers alienate their children without good reason. Some mothers have been abused, know that their ex-husbands aren’t stable and fear for their children’s lives. As such, it’s important to pay close attention to the facts and in some cases, where extreme allegations are made (he said he would kill my children), to err on the side of caution. If a mother approaches the court expressing that her ex-husband had made threats to, or she just feels like he will kill her children if supervised visitation isn’t granted, that judge has let those kids down if he doesn’t even take the appropriate steps to prove or disprove that allegation. She could be lying, but she also could be telling the truth, and if she is, I certainly wouldn’t want that on my conscious! Finally, judges need to pay more attention to the children and not the war between the parents. If a child has to be carried away, kicking and screaming, for visitation with the non-custodial or custodial parent, that speaks volumes so listen! Children are good indicators as to what’s going on in the home. Don’t be so quick to assume that the other parent must be brainwashing the child as this isn’t always the case. And in most cases, even if one parent is brainwashing the child, it wouldn’t result in the child being forced to visit the parent kicking and screaming. That child may be more disrespectful toward the parent and/or a step-parent, but he or she wouldn’t fear going to visit.

The above mentioned scenarios are the types of situations that warrant a qualified stepfamily coach, counselor or therapist to aid the court system with determining what’s best for the children. The family court system has let our children down in one way or another and it shouldn’t continue to happen. Parents approach the court when they can’t work it out on their own and they shouldn’t feel even more discouraged after leaving court. Doing so, causes and motivates them to take matters into their own hands, and in most cases, that is never a good thing.

Chris Brown’s Stepfather Speaks Out

The story of Chris Brown’s blended family is another example of how a blended family can go horribly wrong! This is also proof that children live what they learn (as Diane always says).

This story was found in OK Magazine.

Donnelle Hawkins, the stepfather Chris Brown said he wanted to kill over his treatment of his mother, now says he’s not surprised that Chris is in trouble for allegedly beating up girlfriend Rihanna, and that he never hit the superstar’s mother.

“I never once raised my hand to his mother,” Donnelle says. “It just never happened.”

However, in a 2007 interview, Chris told a different side of the story: “He used to hit my mom… He made me terrified all the time, terrified like I had to pee on myself,” Chris revealed. “I remember one night he made her nose bleed. I was crying and thinking, ‘I’m just gonna go crazy on him one day…’ I hate him to this day.”

Donnelle, who is blind after accidentally shooting himself in the eye during an argument with Joyce Brown Hawkins, says Chris is blaming the wrong person.

“I believe that Chris is making these allegations because it is a way of not accepting responsibility of his own actions. Somebody has to be at fault, the scapegoat, and who else but me?” says Donnelle. “He blames me for taking his mom away from his dad, even though it didn’t happen like that. Whatever issues he has, whether he thinks they come from me or not, he needs to get help for, get counseling.”

He also denies hitting Chris, saying he only spanked him one time in the seven years they lived together in Tappahannock, Va.

“The one time I did raise my hand to spank him I guess he was 11 and he started hitting his mother,” Donnelle insists. “I felt it was time for me to step up and do what I needed to do to stop the situation.”

Of hearing that Chris had been arrested for alleged domestic assault, Donnelle says, “It was sad news. I’m sympathetic for Christopher and Rihanna. It’s an unfortunate incident that neither one of them deserved or should have encountered.”

I send them my prayers. And Chris in particularly, I’m very proud of his success, but whatever issues he has, whether they are the ones you claim came from me or whatever the situations are, you just need to focus on that and get counseling and the help that you need. We, as your fans and people that know you, don’t want to hear of anything like this again. And whatever resentment or hatred he has towards me I just pray that it will stop.”

 My Two Cents: Clearly Mr. Donelle Hawkins is lying when claiming never to have even raised a hand to Chris’s mother. Most people don’t shoot themselves in the eye while arguing with their wife. Most people don’t argue with guns in their hands. If you are, you are clearly a violent person and Mr. Hawkins, you should hold yourself accountable for the role you played in Chris’s life that led him to this point.

Chris Brown, remember that your past circumstances do not define who you are. You can make a choice not to be your stepfather. You didn’t have much power back then, but now that you’re all grown up, you have the power to be responsible for your own choices. You can choose to be a different person at this point. If you continue to do what you learned, you are still giving him that power over you. Keep reminding yourself that he no longer possesses it [power].

BFSO wishes all the best to both Rhianna AND Chris. Although we don’t condone domestic violence for ANY reason, we realize that in this situation, Chris Brown in a victim, too. Rhianna is a victim of Chris Brown and Chris is a victim of his stepfather. We hope that they BOTH seek counseling to work out their respective issues.

Domestic Violence and Divorce: How the Children Really Feel

We are all taught that Honesty is the BEST policy.  With that thought, I have long thought about posting on the issue of domestic violence and how it affects children.  Unfortunately, for a long time, I have been embarrassed (one of the effects of DV) to speak on this subject from my own horrible experience with domestic violence, and of which, I feel that I am still struggling with 14 years after my divorce.  Before I begin, I do want to acknowledge that during my divorce, my ex-husband was ordered to and did attend and complete domestic battery counseling and anger management courses, and through that experience, and from what I am told, has never violently abused anyone else and has asked my forgiveness, of which I have given and daily ask God for strength to continue my forgiveness.  It is very hard to do.  We have one son together and I had a child prior to our marriage; they both experienced watching their mother repeatedly beaten, bruised, intimidated, torn down and shaken to her core.  They are almost 20 and 21 year old men now.  Over the years since our divorce, we have had, fortunately for me, to parent our son from a distance , but even the raising of his voices still frightens me to this day.

In my own healing, as Robin Roberts often says,  I have tried to make this “mess” into a “message” for others.  Through working in the family law field and having researched this topic of how children of divorce who have experienced domestic violence feel about themselves and their parents’ marriage, I give you the following:

Most children who experience DV (mostly on the mother) want their mothers to LEAVE and divorce their fathers.  Most children who experience DV in their lives end up with serious effects going into adulthood. My boys were 2 and 3 when it started and 4 and 5 when it ended and were able to communicate to me at 2 and 3 that they wanted to be away from daddy.  But, for me, I was scared to death — literally.  One day, a neighbor called the police and my ex told me that if I told them that he hit me, he would get out and kill me, and I would never see my children again.  I was scared, humiliated and lost.  So, I spent the following two years being further abused.  I was afraid to tell my family and often told my children to be quiet about it as well.  Then, the beatings got so I didn’t have to ”tell” anyone, it was made very apparent by my black eyes, busted lips, etc.  It wasn’t until my oldest son was in Kindergarten and I was called to school for an emergency meeting that the I had my “light bulb” moment.  The principal and the teacher sat me down and said that during recess, my son was sitting in the sand box with another student and was discussing with him how badly his mom was being beat up by his dad (which was actually his step-dad) and how he was afraid his mom was going to die.  I knew that day would be my last in that house because the school told me that they had to notify the authorities if I didn’t get my son out of that situation, immediately.  They were right, and it was what I needed to hear.  Fear can ground us and make us deaf, and I was on the path to my children not having a mother; which was my biggest fear.  I immediately filed for an emergency court hearing and the rest is history.  The court granted a restraining order, no overnight visitation, sole legal and physical custody, etc. etc.  To this day, that order remains in effect.

I always say, children live what they learn.  In my reading and research and through my own counseling,  I have learned that one-third of the children who witness the battering of their mothers demonstrate significant behavioral and/or emotional problems, including psychosomatic disorders, stuttering, anxiety and fears, sleep disruption, excessive crying and school problems.

Those boys who witness their fathers’ abuse of their mothers are ten times more likely to inflict severe violence as adults. Data suggest that girls who witness maternal abuse may tolerate abuse as adults more than girls who do not. These negative effects maybe diminished if the child benefits from intervention by the law and domestic violence programs.  One third of all children who see their mothers beaten develop emotional problems.  They feel shame, confusion, stress, fear or think that they somehow caused the problems that are causing their fathers to abuse their mothers.

Through my boys’ counseling, even up to the age of 12, my older son told his counselor that he was worried every single day that I would die.  That was his constant fear even years later after I was out of that situation.  My other son told the counselor that he had feelings of guilt that he couldn’t protect me and that he was angry that I didn’t immediately get divorced.  Of course, they didn’t understand and probably still don’t understand all of the feelings one goes through, but they knew enough to know that they wanted us to divorce.

There is another stunning statistic; the rate of child abuse is 6-15 times higher in families where the mother is abused.  Children with these experiences are more likely to run away, be suicidal and are at a greater risk of committing criminal acts as juveniles and adults.   Children do not have to be abused themselves in order to be impacted by domestic violence.

So, part of making my “mess” into a “message” is to tell my story in hopes that any of you readers who might be experiencing this yourself or who may know a close friend experiencing this can know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that finding the strength to face the fears we have as victims of domestic violence.   Our children do not deserve this tragedy and even though it is hard to put that first foot out there, it is the first step toward a more healthy life for you and, most importantly, your children. Some women will do anything to keep their families together for the sake of their kids. But I urge you not to stay in this type of marriage for the sake of your kids; instead, get a divorce for the sake of your kids.

Be blessed.

Diane