Drama Free Date Night

It is no surprise that with all the stress of family life, we as couples don’t take enough time out to nuture our marriages and relationships.  In order to grow together as a couple, we have to be able to enjoy one another’s company and we cannot do that with all the distractions that come along with our day-to-day lives.  Of course, our children are important to us but our marriages have to be more important.  That seems odd to think about for most people, but as husbands and wives, we have to accept that in order to be any good to our children as a couple, our marriages and remarriages have to be the first priority.  These times we share alone together not only allow us to grow, but they allow us to rekindle the reason why we fell in love in the first place.

We cannot let the spark die in our (re)marriages.  There is more to it than just “going out” and having time alone.  It’s about sharing your love and creating understanding and feeling the true companionship between the two of you.  For example, remember when you couldn’t wait for a date night with your mate before you got married?  Well, unfortunatley, when we get married, at times we fall into the trap of thinking that all of that has to end because we have a ring on our finger and a piece of paper confirming our status.  Having anticipation for one another doesn’t have to be lost in married life.  If money is an issue, even on a limited budget, you can have a fabulous drama-free date night with your spouse.  The lesson here is that as (re)married couples, we need to continue to courting one another as we did in the beginning in order to seize our marriages and make them all the more fulfilling.

Here are a few ideas to help you along the way:

1. No kids allowed!  No excuses.  Make an arrangement with a babysitter, and older sibling, a friend or a grandparent.
2. Catch a  movie or a matinee together. 
3. Go shopping together!  Your lady will love this one!
4. Get away for a  night to a hotel just the two of you. 
5. Set a dinner date night twice a month.  (This can be either at home — after the kids go to bed or out to a restaurant – which would be my preference.

If you are financially strained, here are a few fun options:

1. Have a date night at home.  Try to arrange the kids to be elsewhere and order pizza and a movie and have at it!
2. Go for a drive.  My husband and I do this all the time. This may not seem like a date, but being this is semi-free (with the exception of gas), you may be able to splurge for a cheap hotel room for a few hours!  Who says married couples can’t be a bit naughty from time to time.
3. Begin a project together.  This is another great one that I love.  Say you have been talking about painting that room for a year.  Well, get rid of the kiddos for the evening, buy that gallon of paint and the two of you get at it.  It’s not just something you can make romantic, but it is also improving on something the two of you share, your home.
4. Cook together.  Decide upon what your menu should be and cook together.  Nothing is more romantic to me than sharing the kitchen and having your husband nuzzle up to your neck while you are both “trying” to concentrate on the menu at hand.
5. Read a book together, look at old photos, etc.  You can even watch your favorite television programs together or play a board game after the children go to sleep.
6. Wash the car.  This is very romantic if you make it that way!  Fun fun!
7. Take a long walk together as often as you can.
8. Put the music on and dance, dance, dance! 
9. Go to an old fashioned drive-in movie. 
10. Plan out your goals together. 

Remember, having a drama free date night is your way of keeping your romance and marriage alive.  Don’t be afraid to show your passion for one another.  It doesn’t take a lot of money, just a commitment to one another.  This commitment is what your children see and learn from.  It is what teaches them what to expect from a healthy marriage.   Reach back to when you first began together, a whole lot of money wasn’t needed to have a fun, romantic and special time together.  As Keith Sweat so eloquently sang…”Make it Last Forever!”

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Incorporating Healthy Lifestyle Changes

Does any of this sound familiar?  The alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m., you get up, get the kids up and ready for school, lunches prepared, throw in a load of laundry, off to work for 8 hours, pick the kids up, take them to practices, back home, prepare dinner, help with homework, get the kids ready for bed, straighten up the house…..and finally you sit down near to 11 p.m. or so and you think….”I have to do this all over again tomorrow!”

Whew!  Talk about stress!  Although, for men and women alike, we knowingly sign up for all that comes along with the day-to-day lives of our children, our bosses, running our own businesses, our spouses and our family lives in general.  Unfortunately, we don’t always fully get the big picture of what it actually does to our mental, emotional and physical well-being when we don’t allow ourselves to be balanced in same.  At times, we feel like our lives are on high speed fast-forward but because we are so stressed out, we emotionally feel like we are swimming through it in slow-motion and it becomes extremely overwhelming.  For me, at times, I feel like I am swimming in a sea of responsibilities that I just have to admit I can’t handle all at once.  It’s during these crucial times that we all forget to take care of the most important person and that is ourselves!

We all know that raising a family can be rewarding and demanding during normal times in our lives, but throw in the mix some emotional stress due to circumstances beyond our control (i.e., the economy, job loss, a new baby, etc.) and the situation can turn ugly really quickly.  According to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association, 73 percent of parents report family responsbilities as a significant source of stress.   Think about those statistics.  If 73 percent of us are stressed, I can imagine some of our stress eventually trickles down to the little people we are doing all of this for and that is our children.  Let’s go even further TMF Readers, as I always preach, children live what they learn. If your children see you as constantly worried and full of anxiety, they will think that type of behavior is normal and will follow in that same direction.  If your children experience constant chaos in your life then they will gravitate toward constant chaos in their own.  It’s not that they make the conscientious decision to do so, it is just that they will model what they have been taught, including how to effectively or non-effectively handle their stress as adults.  Changing your behaviors in order to incorporate a healthy changes into your life will be a tough task for sure but an absolute necessary one; not just for your own health, but for that of your children as well.

Here are a few tips that go a long way in helping you make lasting changes:

• Renegotiate your priorities.  If you exhibit a balanced lifestyle, your children will as well.  Evaluate what you need to cut back on in your life whether that be for a while or permanently.  For example, does your child participate in more than one extra-curricular activity?  Are you finding yourself running around town for 3 hours after work from place to place?  Set a limit, especially if you have more than one child.  Do you work from home while at the same time taking care of the children and find that you are putting too many projects on your plate at one time?  Set a limit and start eliminating what causes you stress.
• Find your own space.  Altering your environment can help you to be more comfortable and will allow you to give you a space that is all yours.  I don’t care if its a corner in your bedroom or in your basement.  Make it your own and your “peace zone.”  Some might be surprised by this, but my car is my peace zone.  I go to my car on my lunch breaks, frequently on the weekend, I might take a drive with the radio off so I can hear myself think.  I live in a house with 3 boys and a husband.  No further explanation needed. 
• Focus on yourself.  There is a direct correlation between stress and our physical health.  Recognizing this is key.  Once recognized, take steps to focus on taking care of yourself.  Get enough sleep.  I have been told by every doctor I have ever come across that sleep is our body’s natural way of healing itself.  Take time to relax and to focus on what makes you happy.  Turn to hobby that brings you joy and doesn’t make you feel like you are doing a job.  Hobbies are wonderful ways to escape. 
• Talk with your children about stress.  Listen actively to your children.  When they are confiding in you, stop what ever you are doing and listen.  Help them to deal with feelings and emotions that revolve around stress in order to help them find a solution.
• Set realistic short term goals.  Don’t overwhelm yourself with trying to fix everything at once.  Be realistic in your changes.  Understand that changes don’t take place overnight and that we don’t want “quick-fixes,” we want long-term success so taking your time and taking it one step at a time is the answer.
• Manage yourself.  As I say to some of my clients, don’t take the easy way out.  Truly look at yourself and the situation and be able to identify when you need extra help.  Not effectively managing yourself, your physical needs, your reactions to situations, etc. is counterproductive to balance.  Consider exercising more, getting more sleep (as discussed above), think things through thoroughly before committing yourself to a project or activity.  Realize that you do not need to be all and do all for everyone else all of the time, especially because you don’t want to say “no.”  Sometimes, the most healthy thing you can do for yourself is say NO, with kindness of course.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Everyone needs help at some point in their lives.  Accept that it is okay to call on your spouse, on a friend or on family to help you.  This is the only way you can improve your ability to stay strong.   Secondly, there is also nothing wrong with talking to a professional about it as well.  We don’t have all the answers all of the time. 

TMF Readers, remember, our children watch us.  Most often, they will also follow our lead in how we deal with stress, anger and even how we solve our problems.  Through our examples, we can give them strategies and life lessons by modeling behaviors that are realistic, attainable, positive and healthy. 

In conclusion ladies and gentlemen, remember, our lives aren’t perfect and we are not going to be perfect either.  We can set all of the expectations of ourselves that we want but at the end of the day, if we don’t find balance and aren’t able to put everything in its proper prospective and make time for what’s really important, we are only doing ourselves a huge disservice both emotionally, mentally and physically.  At this point, we are no good to anyone and especially not to our spouses or the little ones in our lives that are most important to us.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Make The Decision To Be Happy

What makes you happy?  For me, I could come up with a hundred different reasons with some being emotional, physical and of course some just being pure natural reasons.  However, one that stands out above the rest is my love of cooking.  Nothing brings me more joy than to throw a big dutch oven on the stove top, throw together ingredients that I have been thinking would match together well and seeing what I can come up with to please my husband, three boys and grandson.  And, once in a while, I like to surprise a girlfriend unexpectedly and  bring a great dish over for her and her family to enjoy as well.  Cooking makes my heart smile.

Now, I am sure you expected me to say my husband, my children, my job, etc. etc.  Of course, my family plays  one of the most important roles in my happiness, but I have learned a great lesson over the years and that is by making room for my pleasurable feelings, hobbies and passions, I allow very valuable experiences in my life.   I came across my love for cooking through a tragic time in my life when I had suddenly and unexpectedly became widowed.  My husband used to do all of the cooking for my boys and I.  I couldn’t boil water properly and almost burnt the apartment down a few times.  During those times of despair I found that cooking was therapeutic for me and lo and behold, after watching several cooking shows and reading lots of cookbooks, I found one of my true passions.  Cooking gave me that release, a reason to think about something other than that pain I was experiencing and it was soothing.  That same year, 9 months after starting, I hosted my first Thanksgiving Dinner and I cooked every single item on the menu.  It was a huge hit.  Some folks love to shop, watch old movies or spend time with a good book.  It makes me happy to cook.  Now, as I stated above, this isn’t the only thing that makes me personally happy.  But as individuals, we have to take time to find little things, just for ourselves, that make us happy and that give us time to focus on being happy.  I cannot stress it enough.  These experiences will carry us through our lives and it teaches our children to do the same.

Being happy is a decision…just that simple.   Making the decision to be happy is all it takes.  Celebrity life coach, and one of my favorite people to listen to for inspiration, Anthony Robbins, says it best..“if you don’t have a plan for pleasure, you will have pain.” In other words, if you do not incorporate the things that make you happy into your life, you will have an end result of pain.   What makes you happy and your inner peace is one big spinning circle.  Finding that inner-peace whether that is through spending time alone with yourself, shopping for a great new pair of shoes, cooking, reading or just watching a movie is a true part of making the decision to be happy.  As Mr. Robbins so eloquently states, “Life was never meant to be a struggle.”  So, if we choose to be happy, we have unlocked the mystery to finding inner-peace.

Here are a few tips to help you along in your journey:

• Just as you allow yourself to feel sad and depressed, you can allow yourself to be joyful, grateful and happy.
• Take control of your emotions and guide them in the direction toward happiness.
• Choose happiness.  Don’t give your choice away to others or frivolous situations.  Do not OWN other people’s issues.
• Love yourself first.
• Smile.  Smiling is contagious and there is always a reason to do so.  Do it everyday.
• Indulge yourself in what you enjoy.
• Listen to music that you love.
• Dance like no one is watching!
• Take time for yourself.  Pay attention to your breathing, your posture, etc.  It makes a huge difference in how you feel.
• LAUGH A LOT, LAUGH LOUDLY AND LAUGH OFTEN.  Laughter is good for the soul.

Right now, a beautiful song comes to mind…..”Don’t Worry..BE HAPPY!”

Peace & Blessings,
Di