It’s ALL About Me!

In our relationships there are times when all we think about is our own personal interests and our own needs.  We actually refuse to see our spouse or significant other’s point of view, nor are we open for communication.   With that being said, conflict is inevitable; however, most of the time, it isn’t the conflict itself that is the problem or how it is potentially resolved, but it is about our own attitudes and issues.

Sometimes in our relationships we get in a funk.  We fall into that “it’s all about me” attitude and we aren’t focused.  This holds especially true when conflict arises.  We tend to convolute the issues by bringing up past issues and problems that hurt us, or ones that we make “all about us” and we don’t allow our focus to be on the present or our actual feelings today.  At that moment, we skew all understanding of what is really happening and we make our situations more taxing.

Having empathy in our relationships is one of the single most important values to have.  When conflict arises, instead of tending to only think about ourselves and our own personal feelings, we need to instead flip it and have empathy for our partners.  With that, we can in turn see one another’s point of view. We can also see our problem or issue more objectively which will then lessen the focus on the argument at hand.

The following are some tips on ways to improve your personal attitude when you are suffering from what I call the “it’s all about me” syndrome:

• Listen to one another intently.  Do you ever find yourself sitting there when your spouse is talking to you and you are thinking about tomorrow’s work or what you are going to cook for dinner that evening?  Many of us have been guilty of this.  It is important to remember that solid communication takes two to achieve.  In our marriages and relationships we have to remind ourselves what is most important to us.  Let’s be perfectly honest, there are times when what our partner has to say to us (or what we have to say to them) isn’t really that interesting.  However, truly engaging ourselves with one another, no matter the subject, reflects true communication.
• Own your own issues.  Rarely does fault lie with one person in a relationship.  When we argue or have hard times, we tend to place blame unfairly.  We tend to shy away from admitting when we are at fault or plain wrong.  It takes learning humility in order to feel confident in admitting your own faults.  The positive to having such humility is that it opens the door for your spouse to do and feel the same and sets an important example.  As I always tell others, humility should certainly not be taken for weakness.  So, own your own issues, admit when you are wrong and move past the problem.
• Empathy, empathy, empathy.  I cannot stress it enough. Place yourself in your partner’s shoes and walk in them.  Feel what they feel.  By doing this, you will see a clearer view of their reasoning and their opinions.  Hopefully, with both of you exercising a little empathy, your focus will lessen on the issues.
• The “Right” Factor.  You do not always have to be right!  Get over yourself.  You are a partner in your relationship.  The definition of partner means two people in a marriage or relationship that share a common interest, an ally, a teammate.  Instead of demanding to be right, find compromise.  Look to resolution instead of allowing “the win” of the argument to matter.  In a relationship that you value, being right or “winning” should be the last thing on your mind.  Because feeling like you have to ”win” at the expense of your relationship or your spouse/partner’s feelings, means something is desperately wrong.

Finding balance between our feelings as spouses takes work.  Having respect, listening and reminding ourselves to be effective communicators with one another will lead you out of the funk of ”it’s all about me” and into “we are a team” attitude.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

How to Encourage Positive Projections in Your Marriage

Have you ever had a friend or co-worker who constantly refers to his/her marriage in a negative manner?  I have such a co-worker.  Every day there is a new complaint:  he’s gained too much weight; he doesn’t satisfy her anymore; he never finishes a home project; he snores too loudly; he doesn’t support her visions….the list goes on and on.  Well, this behavior got me to thinking about the difference between reflecting  positive projections in our marriages versus the negative and how destructive reflecting such negative projections can be to our relationships and our view of  our spouses.

There are many ways that we can incorporate positivity into our daily lives so that we do less negative projecting in our marriages and allow our positive thoughts, attitudes and perceptions to make our bonds stronger.

For example:

• When you both have legitimate concerns, realize that your spouse’s concern deserves to be addressed, not just your own.
• Reframe the behaviors that bother you the most about your spouse.  For example, if you feel your spouse is having difficulty satisfying your needs, talk to him/her about your feelings and offer to teach them about what you desire.  Taking the extra step to come out of your comfort zone to make an effort to reframe your behavior will work wonders and filter over to your spouse.  Instead of criticizing your spouse about his/her sexual issues with your co-workers, be honest with your partner.  Honesty is always the best policy.  Be proactive about helping him/her to change this factor.  By doing this, you have proactively taken the negative out of the situation and made it a positive.
• Make an effort to understand each others’ intent regarding your respective behaviors.  9 times out of 10, your separate understandings will be totally different.  Give one another the benefit of the doubt.  Listen to each others’ explanations without interrupting.   You might find that your spouse’s concern may be something important that you need to deal with together.
• Refrain from speaking negatively about your spouse in the presence of others.  The old saying goes..”be careful what you ask for…you might just get it.”  Well, if you do not make a habit of claiming negativity in your marriage, you will be more prone to claiming and receiving positivity in your marriage.

By utilizing some of the above tips, you will be able to be more objective when dealing with negative issues and able to bring in more positivity into your relationship.

Remember, when we married our spouses, we didn’t just commit to them in happy times, but also in stressful times.  Accepting each others’ neuroses is a part of a having a happy, healthy, positive  marriage.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Relationship Communication 101

In all aspects of a relationship, whether that be in your marriage, your relationships with your children, your friends and even at your place of employment, there has to be a certain level of communication in order to avoid conflict and to sustain healthy relationships.  Simply put, without communication, there is no real relationship.

With that being said, communicating isn’t always that simple, even among people who may have lots in common and share the same views.  This is because to err is human and we all make mistakes.  There are several mistakes that people make when communicating, which in turn can cause a great conversation to get ugly rather quickly:

1.  Aggressive communication to impress outsiders.  Frequently, people will make the mistake of trying to get their point across by trying to over-talk the other party and making the contents of their communication known to all those around in order to convince people to take sides.

2.  Misinterpretation.  You take every thing your spouse is trying to say to you and misinterpret it.  For example, your spouse initiates a conversation about good discipline within your modern family and you twist it by thinking he is attacking your personal parenting skills.  You then let him have it and both of you are frustrated and upset.

3.  Communicating but not hearing.  You don’t like, and have no interest in the subject in which your spouse or loved one is trying to communicate with you about so you purposely put them on “mute-mode.”  At that point, you aren’t paying any real attention to the conversation at all.  End result — no communication at all.

Some helpful tips to alleviate these problems with communication include:

• Attentive listening.  Paying active attention to the conversation and showing real interest shows great respect for the person you are communicating with.  It is very satisfying for a spouse to know that they are being not only listened to, but heard as well.  True listening allows you to feel and understand your spouse or loved one’s needs and feelings.
• Use non-accusatory language. When addressing problems or issues between you and your loved one, begin the conversation by removing the world “You.”  The word “you” when used in conflicting conversation, can be taken as  accusatory at times.  Instead, start with “I feel” or “We.”   Remember, a statement about your personal feelings is hard to challenge and therefore allows for less of a defensive reaction from the other communicator.
• Patience. Lastly, When you are angry, misguided or have misinterpreted something with your spouse or loved one, sometimes it is best to leave certain things unsaid for that moment.  When things cool down and you, your spouse and/or loved one is more approachable, then you can revisit that concern.  But, for the time being, let it go.

Good communication is one of the keys to building any successful relationship whether that relationship be at home with modern family, at school with your friends and teachers or in your marriage as well.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Negotiating in Your Modern Family

People routinely bargain and negotiate with one another.  Each person will take their position, argue their points and try to make concessions thereafter in order to negotiate or bargain for a productive outcome to fit their needs.  This analogy holds true for today’s modern family as well.  In particular, bio parents negotiate with one another regarding issues of custody and visitation and often children of divorce use bargaining to effectuate their wants and needs between their parents as well.

As we all know, bargaining can of course also be a useful tool.  However, it can at times work against us and become inefficient when dealing with modern family issues.  For example, instead of following the court order regarding visitation (i.e., during holidays and school breaks), one parent or the other often re-negotiates the original agreement with the expectation that it will please everyone, only to be disappointed when the outcome goes awry.   In this case, bargaining and negotiating the court order probably did more harm than good.  As such, to avoid these type of issues, following the established court order is the best way to go.

Another example of ineffective bargaining is bargaining over positions in your modern family.  For example, your wife has made an arrangement with her ex-husband and hasn’t consulted you.  You state your position that you should be involved in every decision regardless of whether the outcome affects you personally or not when in fact, if the the outcome doesn’t involve you, it really isn’t necessary that the issue be discussed with you.  However, this type of positional bargaining will always become a battle.  Your husband won’t give in and you won’t either and now you have an all out war on your hands.  Each task after that becomes conflicted because you both don’t want to change your positions.  After which, the result ends in resentment and the original concern that got you there in the first place often get lost in space.  Positional bargaining in your marriage can be detrimental for the mere fact that we are  humans and we have strong emotions.  Often, however, we allow our emotions to take over our perception of the actual issue or problem we are faced with.  This particularly holds true for members of today’s modern family.  If we decide to attack the problem instead of the person, we have effectively taken the “bargaining position” out of the problem and we can then effectively negotiate.  As long as we are not owning problems that aren’t ours to own. 

Lesson:  Bargain or negotiate only over things that you can control within your family.

Furthermore, we have to keep in mind that negotiating in a bio/nuclear family is totally different than negotiating or bargaining in a modern/step family. In a bio/nuclear family, there are two adults with whom to negotiate and consider, and that’s the two biological parents. In a modern/step family there are at least three and sometimes four or more adults with whom to negotiate and consider, which often times makes negotiating way more difficult.   The paradigm that I like to describe this with is it would be like playing chess with the rules of checkers.  Communicating issues, concerns and options with the members of your modern family is fantastic and healthy, but knowing when the bargaining tactic is not useful helps as well.

One of the best books I have ever read on this issue is titled “Getting to Yes - Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In” by Roger Fisher and William Ury.  I read this book years ago when I was having issues with my ex.  The book says, and I quote, “how you see the world depends on where you sit.”  That is the most powerful statement in the book.  The authors go on to say that each person in conflict usually can only see their side of a problem and also only see the faults of the other, however, it is the ability to see the situation as the other person sees it (whether it is your husband or wife, ex-spouses, children or step-children), as difficult as that may may be, is one of the most important values and skills you can ever possess.

Co-Parenting Myths

Co-parenting can be a very contentious and stressful situation for divorced parents and step-parents if approached from an unrealistic standpoint. Many co-parents fail because: 1) one or all of the parents involved have an unrealistic idea of how things should be and 2) when those unrealistic ideas and expectations fall through, they give up, assuming that the whole thing won’t work and choose bitterness and hatred instead of effective communication and co-parenting.

The key to effective co-parenting is establishing realistic expectations and healthy boundaries from the very beginning, and to go slow and allow the relationships to organically evolve instead of forcing the issue of everyone being friends and one big happy family. Below are some co-parenting myths that may help struggling co-parents put it all into perspective.

Myth # 1: We all have to be best friends who vacation together and have dinner together once a week.

Although I applaud every blended family who is able to vacation together, share holiday dinners together and overall, merge as one big happy family, I want those who aren’t able to or have no desire to do so, to know that they ARE NOT failures if they don’t accomplish this task. It is okay and completely possible to not be totally engulfed in your ex-spouse’s and his new spouse’s lives, yet work together to raise your child. You can communicate effectively, not subject your child to conflict and make decisions together without doing everything else together as well. By that same token, you can still get along and even be friendly without sharing holidays, weekly dinners or vacationing together, so don’t believe this new found hype of every blended family having to do everything together in order for the kids to be emotionally healthy. It’s not true! More importantly, it is important to know that no relationship, especially blended family relationships, happen by force. If accomplishing this task is your desire, allow it to organically happen and know that it takes TIME, often times years, before it genuinely happens.

Myth #2: We all have to hate each other!

Just like everyone in the blended family doesn’t have to be best friends, you don’t have to hate each other either. Society and the media convinces us to believe that getting along with our ex-spouses and their new spouses is some sort of weird thing that needs to be studied by scientists and researchers. It’s not weird if we can all minimize conflict, do our best to compromise, get along and yes, even like each other. It doesn’t mean that we have to be best friends and do everything together or that anyone desires to be back with their ex-spouse. It just means that we’re committed to handling our respective emotional baggage as a result of the divorce, and not allow it to interfere with working together to do what’s best for our child.

Myth #3: The ex-wife and wife must be best friends in order for it to work.

Most people think that the harmony of the blended family has to revolve around the ex-wife and wife being the best of friends. They think it simply won’t work if she and I aren’t the primary parents in the family; meaning, we have to talk about scheduling, visitation and child support together because WE are the only ones raising the kids. My question to them is; where is dad in this co-parenting equation? While it’s true that you don’t have to hate each other and it’s unhealthy to do so, you don’t have to be best friends, share slumber parties and spa dates and exclude dad from parenting responsibilities for it to work either, and that extreme can be just as unhealthy. As a matter of fact, in my experience and the experience of many co-parents that I’ve spoken with, dad often feels excluded when ex-wife and wife operate this way. I encourage co-parents to leave initial discussions about visitation, school plays, parent teacher conferences, child support, etc. to the biological parents. Now this doesn’t mean that the step-parents are totally excluded, but it is the responsibility of his or her spouse to include him or her in those decisions, not the ex-spouses. This way minimizes confusion, resentment and establishes healthy boundaries!

Myth #4: If we have arguments or disagreements along the way, we’re not good co-parents.

If you argue with your spouse, which we ALL do from time to time, what makes you think you’re never going to argue or you’re always going to agree with your ex-spouse and/or his or her new spouse?  Arguments and conflict, in any type of family, is inevitable, but it doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to a life of hatred and vengeful thinking due to one or even several arguments. People argue and that’s okay. It’s what you do afterward that’s important. Do you stew over it, and allow it to prevent you from moving forward, or do your best to compromise, let it go and move on?

Myth # 5: Good co-parents always find a way to agree on everything.

Although it is healthy for everyone to do their best to find a solution to an issue and compromise, it’s equally important to realize that sometimes everyone won’t agree, and won’t be happy with the final decision. Simply put, everyone is NOT going to agree all the time! That is an unrealistic expectation that often times sets co-parents up for failure. During the times when co-parents can’t agree it’s helpful to defer to the court order or seek the help of a third party (stepfamily counselor, mediator or judge) to assist you with achieving some sort of consensus. But again, what’s important is how you recover from these types of situations. Do you use your child as a pawn in a chess game because you didn’t get your way? Do you hold a grudge indefinitely? Do you refuse to communicate because she (his wife) took your ex-husband’s side? Do you allow it to totally trivialize the hard work you’ve put into being good co-parents up to that point? Or do you simply recognize it as a argument or something that you just couldn’t agree on and move on? Just remember, it’s not the arguments that make or break a blended family but it’s how you recover from those stressful times.