Are You Nurturing or Sinking Your Marriage?

If a flower isn’t watered it eventually dies….Right?

The answer to the above question isn’t rocket science.  Think about it.  We nurture our children, we nurture our jobs in order to keep them, we nurture our parents when they need us, we even nurture our friendships etc. etc.  The list goes on and on.  However, when it comes to our most important relationship, the one we share with our life partners, we tend to take for granted that it will always be okay.  We tell ourselves that we will make time for him/her tomorrow.  Well, more often than not, tomorrow becomes the next day and the next day becomes next week and so on.  When your relationship becomes stale, you are flabbergasted and cant figure out why it is sinking. 

A relationship as sacred as that in which we share with our spouse absolutely needs to be nurtured.   Your marriage nor your feelings have to fall into the trap of complacency.  In fact, being aware of some of the bad habits that you might be displaying can keep you from going down that path.  Some of those habits might include:

• Focusing only on the negative aspects and not the positive.
• Not paying attention to your spouse.
• Nitpicking.
• Bickering.
•  Using language that doesn’t reflect your togetherness (i.e., the way you talk about the good and bad times).

Granted, there are a lot of stress factors going on in these days and times in our lives which can lead us to focus more on whats negative in our personal relationships but for every negative, you should be able to find 5 positives about your spouse that will remind you of why you chose to spend your life with that person.   In the words of Kela Price, “marriage is hard, remarriage is even harder.”  Keeping your marriage alive and healthy will be a test to your strength as a couple but is essential.  As I discussed above, the arch nemesis of marriage is complacency.  We cannot just think that just because we have made a commitment to one another that we don’t have to work hard at it to keep it alive.  Only you and your spouse can ensure that your relationship will stay exciting.  Only you and your spouse can make sure that your marriage stays afloat and only you and your spouse can nurture your love.

The number one necessity in succeeding at nurturing your marriage is romance.  No matter how secure you think you are in your relationship, if you are not romancing your partner, your marriage is not secure.  The following are some tips to help you along the way:

• Talk, Talk, Talk!  Maintaining open communication is your lifeline.  Communication is key to building a solid bond and allows you to discuss your feelings, concerns, hopes and desires.  You won’t know your spouse if you don’t communicate.
• Show Your Interest.  If you don’t like sports, fake it till you make it!  If football season is crucial to your husband, do your best to show interest with him.  If you just cant stomach watching a whole game, buy him a couple tickets to enjoy with a friend!  If your wife loves the nail salon and you hate it, surprise her with a gift card from her local place.  These “little things” mean a lot. 
• No Bickering.  Pick your battles.  Ask yourself, is this really worth it?  If it is something that really bothers you, then obviously you need to talk about it with your spouse.  However, if it is just something that you want to nit pick about, pick your battles because their could be a war over the horizon.
• Appreciation.  Everyone needs to know that they matter.  Every human being desires to be appreciated.  Men and women alike.  Let your spouse know how much they mean to you.
• Quality Time.  Take time to have quality, alone time with your partner.  Cut the lights out, light the candles after the kids have gone to bed, turn the music on and slow dance!  Take a long walk in the park and don’t discuss any problems, only focus on your spouse.  Institute a regular date night.  Once per week would be ideal but at least twice a month.  Get away for the weekend alone.  Renewing your energy with your spouse is key to keeping it alive and fresh.
• Recreate Your First Date.  Remember that anxious feeling you had when you first met?  Get that feeling back again and go to the same place you were on your first date!  It works wonders.
• Leave Eachother Love Notes.  Text messages are great for leaving quick notes, but a good old-fashioned handwritten note is even better.  Lay it on your wife’s pillowcase or in her car, she wont be able to wait to see you that night. 
• Get Steamy in your Sex Life.  Need I say more?  Be creative, try new things.  Spice it up!  Use your imagination!
• Say “I Love You” Often.  Those simple three words are like music to your spouses ears!  Say them often. 

TMF Readers, remember, its usually the smallest tokens of affection that lead to happiness in your marriage.  It doesn’t take any money to tune into you and your partners feelings and needs.  I know when my needs are not being met, I get irritable and cranky with myself and the people I love.  Our marital ships become unstable when we are not “tuning in, paying attention and nurturing” marriages.  Don’t let your ship sink!  Nurture your vessel.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Social Networking, Cyber-Straying and Your Marriage

Ah…the joys of technology.  We can’t live without our desktops, laptops and cell phones…or can we?  Social networking sites are all about connecting people, right?  Sure, that is correct;  however, in today’s society, they are also becoming an avenue for people to use to stray or shall I say….cyber-cheat!

Some ask the question, “is virtual or cyber socializing and straying actually cheating?  In my opinion, if a person feels the need to connect (either emotionally and especially physically) with someone else whether that be by virtual/cyber means or in person, and they take the necessary steps to do so, then absolutely, they would fall into the category of cheating.

Spouses/partners, often times, assume that their mates/significant others will agree that this type of behavior is harmless to their marriage, which in turn is setting unspoken expectations between you and your partner.  Of course, some sincerely feel that this type of behavior is not straying; however, this type of environment walks a very fine line.  If you value your marriage vows, you will be open to discussion about it with your partner.  Remember, anything that you are not being honest about is not healthy for your marriage/relationship.  Communicating the fact that your needs are not being met (whether emotionally or physically), instead of turning to an alternate source of fulfillment such as the internet, will help to avoid you or your partner from resorting to this alternative.

When networking becomes more than networking and turns into a “hook-up,” there is obviously a serious problem in your marriage.  If you are finding yourself up at 3:00 a.m. on the computer waiting on that “instant message” to arrive, your connection may not be as innocent as you are trying to minimize it to be.  My question would then be…”what are you getting out of this cyber-relationship that you are missing in your own marriage?”  That question then needs to be explored by both you and your spouse.

Although social networking has been very useful for the original purpose it was created (to engage business contacts, reunite classmates, etc.) it has now become a nightmare in some folks’ lives and marriages.  Before the invention of social networking, you had to connect with people the old fashioned way.  Furthermore, when you were trying to “hook-up” with someone, you had to take time to get to know that person.  Not any more.  The internet takes all that out of the equation.  It makes it really easy to feel that instant gratification of connection, therefore, making it easier to cyber-stray.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself to guard yourself against this type of behavior:

1. Would my spouse approve if I was talking face-to-face or on the telephone with the person I am constantly emailing, texting and tweeting with?
2. Am I not giving my spouse the benefit of the doubt by allowing him/her to know that I am lacking emotional and/or physical nurturing from him/her?
3. Would this behavior hurt my spouse?
4. Would this behavior hurt me if my spouse were doing same?
5. Am I being truthful with myself about my feelings?

Although social networking sites can become an escape for some people who are struggling with the pressures of day-to-day life such as family issues, work and children, allowing the breakdown of communication in this respect can cause irreparable damage to your marriage.  It takes courage to step back and look at the reality of your situation.  You may discover that if you analyze yourself and your true intentions, you will find that your need for “virtual hook-up” may just be an illusion and that illusion is definitely not worth your marriage.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Teach Your Children to Get to Know You!

In the October issue of the Awake magazine, given to me by my sister-in-law, there were some great unbiased tips and ideas for children on getting to know their parents better.   As I read, it struck me that due to the extremely high divorce rate all over the world, this is a matter that I would like to touch on and hope to inspire some of our BFSO readers to share with their children.    

I remember when I was younger, my mother would tell me stories about her youth and teenage years.   As I stepped into young adulthood and began to make plenty of mistakes, she would elaborate about her mistakes and the lessons she learned from them as well.   I felt blessed to have shared these experiences because sometimes parents are fearful of expressing their mistakes to their children out of fear that their children will think less of them.  However, in my case, some of the mistakes I made were easier to trudge through knowing that my mother had “been there, done that.”  I was more open to listening to her and to learning from the past.

For our children, there is always room for them to get to know us better.  There are many benefits for children in getting to know their parents better.   First, there is so much to learn about their family history, their family lives, their attitudes and perceptions and their love.   Due to the high divorce rates, a lot of us know little or nothing about our parents.  Distance between residences plays a huge role.  However, even if your parents aren’t divorced, they probably haven’t told you everything about themselves.

Here are just a few more benefits that help our children to better understand us:

1.   Your children will gain knowledgeable insight into your point of views.

2.   You will become more comfortable sharing experiences with your children.

3.  Your children will appreciate your efforts to teach them about your life and your family.

Remember, teaching our children about us, as parents, in turn teaches them about life.  For example, sharing with them about our struggles reinforces our decisions when they are having to be made regarding our children (i.e., they will understand why at times we have to be frugal with our money because we always had less materially growing up).  Or, another example of opening up communication might be a father might share the experience of his “first love” with his daughter so that when the time comes that she needs to open up about her first boyfriend or crush, she will be comfortable with talking to her father.   Fathers can teach their daughters so many lessons, but most of the time, shy away from talking to their daughters. 

Teaching our children about our life experiences will help them with their own struggles and frustrations when they themselves reach adulthood.  Obviously, some conversations are hard to initiate like the father/daughter example above, but often times the answers to your children’s questions will lead to a story or some example that you can provide for them. 

Communicating with our children creates strong bonds not to mention when they are older, they will appreciate all of the lessons they have learned, all of the conversations they have had and, most importantly, all that they know about their parents.  Then, they will pass those same lessons on to their own children in the future.

Peace and Blessings,
Di