The Overcompensating Divorced Parent

There’s no doubt about it; divorce is a difficult thing for all involved parties to deal with. Divorced parents agonize over the guilty feelings and anxiety regarding their children post divorce. They feel guilt because they’ve hurt them and become anxious about whether or not their children will love or like them anymore. This is especially true for the non-custodial parent who does not get to see his children as often as he did prior to the divorce. As a result, many non-custodial parents overcompensate by doing at least one (usually all) of the following:

1. They turn into the “funhouse” or “disneyland” parent; making every visitation the biggest party of the year. They shower them with expensive gifts, dinners and whatever else they want. There is no sense of normalcy during these visits.
2. They spend the rest of their lives apologizing for the divorce and using the divorce as an excuse for their children’s bad behavior. For example, a divorced parent might say, “She just called you a bitch because she’s hurt as a result of the divorce,” (even though the divorce happened 8 years prior).
3. Numbers 2 and 3 usually go hand in hand. Parents may let their children do whatever they want with few rules and little to no consequences. While they make excuses for their bad behavior they allow them to avoid consequences simultaneously.

Parents must realize that their children will encounter many difficult situations, trials and tribulations throughout their life time and it’s important that through it all, we raise children who grow up and contribute to the world in some way instead of believing that the world owes them something.

When divorced parents overcompensate due to guilt, it may satisfy them in the short-term, but there are long-term consequences as a result. These children don’t just grow up and learn; they become products of the world that you alter for them. If they learn and are allowed to manipulate everyone and use the divorce as excuse, then they become the manipulative adult who manipulates and blames everyone for his or her shortcomings. For example, if you spend your child’s whole live giving him or her a bunch of excuses for their behavior, they will do the same as they get older. Instead of being accountable for his or her actions it becomes everyone else’s fault. I got a bad grade because the teacher didn’t like me. I didn’t do well in the baseball game because the ref didn’t like me. I don’t have any friends because everyone hates me. All the while these type of kids never ever stop to think that it could be them!

As parents, it is our instinct to protect our children from all hurt and pain. As the mother of a five week old, I know how intense this feeling is from the very beginning of their life. You just want your kids to be happy all the time, but the reality is that experiences can evoke happiness, sadness, pain, anger and all kinds of emotions. It is best to teach our children to deal with these emotions properly instead of protecting them from something that is inevitable - pain. Instead of creating unlikeable adults, let your children grow and learn from their painful situations as they will undoubtedly experience many more throughout their lifetime. Remember, your children depend on you to remain their parent and never reverse that role out of guilt.

Double Standards of Divorce and Co-Parenting

Divorced Parents on All of Us

I often watch the television show, All of Us, produced by Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith and is loosely based on their own lives. It’s about a divorced couple who is working together to raise their son. The ex-husband has a live in girlfriend, but the ex-wife does not.

If you watch the show, you will immediately pick up on the obvious double standards that exist in their co-parenting relationship. For example, the ex-wife is allowed to freely enter her ex-husband’s house, using their son’s key, whenever she likes; but, her ex-husband has to knock when he goes over to her place.  The ex-wife demands to be told what’s going on in his relationship with his long-term girlfriend (when they are getting married, when she could move in, etc), but when he asks what’s going on with her new boyfriend, she tells him that her personal life is none of his business. On another episode, the ex-wife demanded to be part of the birthday planning that her ex-husband and his girlfriend was planning for their son, but she had already had a birthday party for him, and neither her ex-husband nor his girlfriend were invited.

I realize that everything on television is not real, but Will and Jada Smith have admitted that the show is loosely based on their own stepfamily. Loosely based means that although some concepts may be exaggerated to a certain extent, something similar has happened in their own lives. Not to mention, that I’ve spoken with several divorced dads and stepmoms who also frequently complain about the double standards that exists within their stepfamilies as well.  For example,  ex-wife wants to know everything that’s going on in ex-husband’s house and relationship, but doesn’t offer and even refuses to share, information regarding her own relationship or household. Ex-wife demands to be invited to any and everything regarding the child, but doesn’t even tell ex-husband about the activities that she plans for the child. Ex-wife is adamant about having unlimited access to the child while he or she is in her ex-husband’s care, but dad’s access is very limited and strictly based on the ex-wife’s rules alone. Additionally, according to author, trailblazing researcher and psychologist, E. Mavis Hetherington, ex-wives tend to be more intrusive and remain bitter and angry for much longer than their ex-husbands, post-divorce.

All of the above information supports the claims that double standards, more often than not, exist between the ex-wife and the ex-husband. What I, along with many others, can’t understand is why they exist.  More importantly, why are these double standards continually accepted by society? Why do mothers think they have more rights than fathers who are just as involved (or at least want to be) in their child’s life?  Why does society view ex-wives who exhibit this behavior, as victims who are just in pain, or the protective mama bears who are just trying to protect their children? Why does society convince us to believe that the children need protection from a father who is fighting to be with his children?

What’s even more important than why is how? How do we change our perception of how co-parenting relationships should operate? I’ve always been an advocate of and highly encouraged healthy boundaries from the very beginning of the divorce. Having a child gives neither parent an all access pass into each others’ lives after the divorce. Neither parent needs detail regarding what’s going on in their ex-spouse’s relationships or marriage or household (unless of course it is harming the child). Furthermore, when the child is in your house, the parent caring for him or her at that time is in charge of the child. Both parents are in charge of their respective households and allowing overlap only leads to the double standards mentioned above.

Overall, it’s important to realize that you can have a great co-parenting relationship without being totally engulfed in each others’ lives.  And, fathers need to realize that they aren’t doing a disservice to their children by setting healthy boundaries for their ex-wives.  Ex-wife should not be allowed to have each foot in both her and her ex-husband’s household and vice versa. Doing so, only increases chances of resentment, conflict, miscommunication and all out war.

Kate Gosselin is Dancing With The Stars

DWTS Promo Pic

Kate Gosselin, recently divorced mom and former Jon and Kate Plus 8 reality television star, is dancing with the stars and intent on winning this season. The mother of 8 is spending 5 to 6 hours a day practicing with her dance coach and hopes to do well in the competition - even though she has admitted that she cannot dance on Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Although Kate is reclaiming and embracing her newfound independence by redefining her sense of style and shaking her tail feather on Dancing with the Stars this season, she insists that it won’t take her away from her children. In fact, she had a dance floor installed in the basement of her Pennsylvania home and does most of practicing at the studio when the kids are in school.  Additionally, one of the judges assisted her in setting up a special daycare in Los Angeles for the kids.

Kate’s former husband, Jon Gosselin, has expressed his support on his Twitter page for his ex-wife, saying that he is thrilled for her and she definitely has his vote. However, according to US Weekly, a source close to Jon says that he’s angry because the competition will take Kate away from the kids for days at a time, but Kate won’t allow Jon to have extra custody.

If you want to vote for Kate this season, be sure to watch her on Dancing with the Stars, which includes: Pamela Anderson, Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger, Olympic Gold Medalist Evan Lysacek and 80 year old Buzz Aldrin.

How Do Children Really Feel About Divorce?

I have talked to many children and adult children of divorce over the past several years. Although I am not an adult child of divorce, all of my mom and my dad’s siblings have been divorced at least once so I am used to the blended/stepfamily.  Additionally, my husband is a product of divorce and his first marriage ended in divorce as well.

Recently, I had a series of conversations with my cousins, who are sisters (half, whole and step) in the same stepfamily, about divorce and their blended family.  They said that they never wished their birth parents to be back together again because it would have been a disaster.  My husband has also told me that he asked his mom to get a divorce when he was a mere 8 years old. I was watching Real Housewives of Orange County last week and two sisters (teenage high school students) were having a conversation about how they didn’t think their parents were right for each other and should get a divorce.

About a year ago, I did a study, surveying 13 children and adult children of divorce about their experience with divorce and none of them ever said that they wanted their parents to be back together again. They did express that they wanted their parents to get along, not put them in the middle of their squabbles, be consistent with drop off and pick up and flexible with visitation arrangements (especially as they got older). However, they never said that they wished their parents would spend more time together, take family vacations with them, have weekly dinners with them and overall, alter their reality regarding the divorce in order to help them cope. As a matter of fact, over half  of them said that it would have only confused them all the more.

This confirms that often times, parents react to their inability to effectively deal with the changes of divorce and impose those feelings onto their children. It’s completely understandable because as parents, you never dreamed of breaking up your child’s “happy” home. However, parents must first ask themselves, “was our home really that happy?” They assume that children know less than what we give them credit for and just because they were having problems, doesn’t mean their children were aware. I’ve said it many times before, however, children are much more aware than we give them credit for. And instead of doing your best to alter their reality by still playing house even though you’re divorced, consider the fact that your children just might not have been happy with that arrangement in the first place.

What children need in order to cope with divorce is the support of both parents as their parents, not as a couple. At this point, their world is going to change enough as it is and they rely on their parents to minimize confusion by being clear and consistent. If you are divorced, then be divorced and you can still get along without vacationing or sharing weekly dinners together. Showing your children that you are making an effort to repair your relationship at this point only confuses them. Many of them begin to wonder why you could not have done this while you were married as opposed to doing so after the divorce. I know many divorced parents who practice such rituals will become defensive and say things like, “it’s much easier to do when you are no longer married because you don’t have to live with each other,” or “just because we do these things doesn’t mean that we are trying to show are children that we are getting back together.” But remember, it’s not about how easier it is for you or what you are trying to show your children. It’s what you ARE showing them that matters.

By that same token, your children don’t need you to act a complete fool either! The main thing that children in my study as well as author and therapist, Constance Ahron’s study, expressed is that children want minimal conflict and don’t want to be in the middle of their parents’ battles.  They don’t want to be prevented from having a relationship with either parent. They desire flexibility with visitation and unlimited access to either parent. Most importantly, they want to be kept informed of changes that will affect them and they want consistency with drop off and pick up times.

Parents, you don’t have to go to the extreme to provide the above-mentioned for your children. You can do things like simply being on time with drop off and pick up. So many parents show up an hour or more late and assume that it doesn’t matter to their children. It does, so be on time, every time, unless a valid circumstance prevents you from doing so, and if it does, communicate that to your children. You can also quit using your kids as messengers because you just can’t stand talking to each other. You can get along by being cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick up and at school and extra curricular activities. You can make every effort to be on the same page and provide consistency for your children by creating a co-parenting plan that outlines rules and expectations of your children, and then presenting a unified front when it comes to enforcing those rules. All of these things will show your children that although mom and dad are divorced, we are still your parents; we just aren’t a couple any longer.

Below are some do’s and don’ts of divorce to make the transition clearer and smoother for your children.

Do’s

1. Be very clear that the decision is final and irreversible.
2. Reassure them that you both will continue to co-parent them to the best of your abilities; and that they will continue to have a relationship with both parents.
3. Make it clear that you BOTH agree that when they are with mom, they need to follow the rules of her house; and when they are with dad, they need to follow the rules of his house.
4. The non-custodial parent should make a home for his or her children so they don’t feel like visitors. Keep some of their things (clothes, shoes, favorite toys, etc) at your house, so that it feels like home at both parents’ houses.
5. Make sure they remain connected to both sides of the extended family.
6. Be cordial, friendly even, during drop off and pick and at school and extra curricular activities.
7. Remain a parent and never reverse the role out of guilt. Children of divorce still need expectations, rules and consequences! Creating these boundaries actually helps to bring back that sense of normalcy.
8. Take care of yourself and your own emotions regarding the divorce without affecting your children. Be advised that they are only likely to handle the divorce as well as you handle it yourself!

Don’ts

1. Don’t use your children as messengers because you can’t stand talking to each other. This only puts them in the middle of your mess and creates loyalty binds.
2. Don’t rely on your children as support to get you through your divorce. Don’t cry on their shoulders. They need you to be strong and to be their parents so that they can still be children. They are not your therapists.
3. Don’t allow the children to dictate the terms of each visitation. While it’s okay to be flexible if a child wants to go to a friend’s birthday party or has an important project to work on and therefore wants to stay at their primary residence; they should never be allowed to forfeit visitation because they are mad at the other parent.
4. Don’t bad mouth the other parent in front of the children.
5. Don’t ask children to be your spies on the other parent and then interrogate them as soon as they walk through the door from the other parent’s house.
6. Don’t create monsters by inflating their status and giving them more authority or control than they need as children. For example, your 10 year old son is not the “man of the house” now. He’s not a man; he’s a child, and the distinction between parent and child must always be adhered to. Never reverse that role out of guilt.
7. Don’t fall into the “funhouse syndrome” by becoming the disneyland parent and making it a party every time your children come to visit. This actually helps to decrease their respect for you as a parent. The reality is that if their parents had stayed together, every day wouldn’t be a party. Maintain a sense of normalcy by creating a healthy balance for your children. Sure it’s okay to have a good time sometimes, but they also need to be doing some chores at your house, too.
8. Don’t create a crutch for your children by telling them that they can or allowing them to get away with any and everything because they are hurting due to the divorce. If you feed children this excuse, trust me, they will use it well into adulthood. Give them permission to feel the way that they do regarding the changes, listen to them and be understanding BUT don’t tolerate disrespectful or rude behavior towards you, the other parent and/or a step-parent - EVER!

The Art of Civility in Today’s Modern Family

We all learned to play nice in Kindergarten….right?  In today’s modern family, the term “playing nice” can be non-existent.   Our relationships have a significant impact on our lives.  In other words, a part of life is what our relationships make it.  Civility in our relationships, whether that be with our husbands, wives or ex-spouses, encourages strength, which in turn helps us to be better parents, individuals and spouses.

You might be wondering how one might navigate through to an end result of civility despite all of the incivilities that blended/step family issues can promulgate?  My answer:  Clear communication.  There is great power in having honest and frank dialogue when issues arise within your direct unit (i.e., with your spouse when a situation arises with your stepchild; or with your ex-spouse when a situation with your child is reeling out of control). Open and honest communication helps between units (i.e., your family and your ex’s family) when sensitive situations arise that may need the attention of all family members (including step-parents).  However, be reminded that a like-minded attitude toward civility has to be on the agenda for all parties involved and accepting that someone else may not be willing to effectuate same is a hard pill to swallow, but one that is necessary.   At that point, all you can do is work on yourself and work on the issues that directly affect your unit.

For example, accepting and attempting to understand one another is a powerful tool.  Being mutually respectful and demonstrating equality to your spouse will strengthen your bond and allow you to open the floodgates of interpersonal communication.  When in the heat of an argument, instead of trying to solidify all of your points, open the door to exploring your spouse’s points of view as well, and when you have made a mistake, be humble and apologize.

The following are a few tips you might consider:

1.  Before speaking, consider the impact your words will have on others.
2.  Pause and take a moment to reflect before you allow your emotions to get the best of you.
3.  Be aware of your body language when you are trying to get your point across.  This is a huge pointer.
4.  Take responsibility for your own actions and words.
5.  Manage your reactions.
6.  Have realistic perspectives and expectations.
7.  Ask yourself questions before retreating to asking others.
8.  Treat people the way you want to be treated.

Each individual is different.  Being civil, despite our differences, can be a task in and of itself.  Whether it be in our personal love relationship, our friendships or our work environments, it is important that we admit and learn from our mistakes, strengthen our skills and talk about the differences that may be separating us on particular issues. Doing so will allow us to effectively bond, whether that be in our co-parenting relationships,  friendships,  marriages and  lives in general.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Preventing or Promoting Peace in Your Modern Family

Living in a nuclear/traditional family has its own ups, downs and issues.  So, one can only imagine that living in a modern/blended family will be challenging at best.  With that being said, I ask the question — Are you doing everything in your power to promote peace in your unit?  Or, are you preventing it?

The Proverbial Ex-Wife

With divorce comes a sense of loss.  Ex-wives often struggle with power, loyalty and control over issues involving their own emotions alongside having to deal with the loss their children are also facing.  In the beginning, the challenges they face are enormous.  At times, after the divorce, ex-wives find themselves not only overwhelmed due to issues like finance control, sharing the children at different locations, or suddenly being alone and raising children as a single parent (if she is awarded custody).  These emotions tend to intensify if her ex-spouse remarries and she then begins to mark her territory; expressing loudly her position that SHE is the mom.   These fears and real emotions can lead to feelings of hopelessness and frustration which in turn can get bottled up and present themselves in a way that prevents peace within her modern family.

The Proverbial Wife/Step-mom

Ah…the “new” wife!  You walk into a new marriage with instant children (if you have none of your own).  Sometimes, literally, you walk into the ex-wife’s old home, you sit on her furniture and you stare at her old 4 walls.  You have great expectations of going into your new life with hopes that your step-children will adore you and his ex-wife won’t have any reason to not appreciate you and your presence because you can get along with anyone, so why should your husband’s ex-wife be any different? — WRONG!  “New” wives often make the mistake of expecting too much too soon.  They step in and try to “be all and do all” for everyone with the expectation that everyone must feel the same way you do.  The proverbial new step-mom sometimes even pushes herself upon her step-children and into their lives full force.  At times, she even intervenes with problems that only her husband and his ex-wife should handle.  She expects the ex-wife to accept her but does not understand that this is an unrealistic approach and it doesn’t work.  Therefore, she then decides to stake her territory and, at times, can become destructive when it comes to issues that may arise in her new modern family. She makes these issues about “her” instead of consigning them to their rightful owner (i.e., the children, the ex-wife or her husband), and by doing so, she prevents peace within her unit.

Blending a family and maintaining happiness within it gives new definition to the word “modern.”  It takes patience, consideration, a certain level of  trust, realistic expectations on both sides of the fence and parents who are committed to continue to provide a healthy and happy family environment for their children.  Does this mean everything will always be “hunky dorey” all of the time and new issues will never arise?  Absolutely not!  However, being proactive in providing the best environment for your children should be one of the first items on your priority list.  Promoting peace is essential, but in order to do so,  the wife/step-mom  have to be patient in their new roles.  Don’t jump in “gun ho.”  If you are an ex-wife, allow yourself to deal with any unresolved conflicts and emotions you may be holding on to, learn to move past them and let them go.   What about the man in the middle some of you might ask?  Well, that subject alone will be an article all to itself.

Granted, there are those families where one party will make the decision to avoid promoting peace at all costs.  If that is the case, continue to integrate your own peace, in your own home.  I will admit, the transition from divorce is one of the toughest issues I personally have ever dealt with as a former ex-wife.  As hard as I ever tried to avoid the pitfalls  many ex-wives face, I still made my share of mistakes.  Now, in another chapter of my life, being a wife/step-mom, I had to explore a whole new facet of life altogether.  I have learned that I can do my part in promoting peace by doing my personal best to make a great impression on my step-daughter and my children.  How you promote or prevent peace, and what you accomplish during the process, is very important and will either have a negative or positive effect on your modern family.  Which one will you choose?

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Divorce can leave children feeling like defectors

Divorce is war!  Unfortunately, on both ends of the spectrum, some parents cannot seem to get away from battling one another.  They live in constant entanglements with their ex-spouses and they shift aside the issues that post-divorce can leave on the shoulders of their children.   Granted, they have become ex-spouses, but they fail to realize that they have not divorced their children.

Albeit hard, during and after divorce, one of the most important opportunities for growth, confidence and self-esteem that you can provide for your children is to encourage a healthy, strong relationship with your ex-spouse.  Doing so will not only save your children the burden of carrying emotional baggage unnecessarily, but it will encourage your children to be non-combatant, confident and secure that although their parents are no longer together, they have a great relationship with both parents individually.   Children who are encouraged and who enjoy healthy relationships with each parent are less likely to break the rules or to pit one parent against the other should an issue arise. 

As a child of divorce myself, I always felt a sense of entanglement.  There was  a lot of disparagement around us children.  Quite simply, the disparagement always made me want to defend the other parent.  It also made me feel the need to be with that parent more than the other which eventually led to my playing two ends to the middle between them.  My parents’ actions, at times, made me feel as if I had to choose who to love more.   Being made to feel that way made me feel like I was a defector.  

Divorce is a journey that the children involved do not ask to take.  They are forced along for a ride where the results are dictated by the road their parents decide to travel.  As parents, we have to do more to take responsibility during these times and not allow the disruption to cause more damage than it has to.  We have to commit to co-parenting effectively so that our children do not have to share in all the pain that divorce brings.  It’s not adequate to assume that your children will just ”get over it” after we as the adults “get past it.”  That’s simply not fair.  We have to emphasize that their relationships will not change with their individual parents, but will only get stronger during the process. 

I will reiterate again, children live what they learn from us as parents.   It is more than worth the effort, if we decide to walk off the battlefield that divorce prepares for us, make the necessary changes to co-parent effectively and encourage our children to have healthy relationships with both parents in order to save our children from the many unnecessary conflicts that may befall them, and so that they will never have to feel like a defector. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Counseling for Kids: Wrong or Right?

It’s no secret that everyone at one time or another has had conflict in their lives, whether it be with members of your immediate family, your friends or your work colleagues.  Blended/step-families are no strangers to the same types of conflicts.  Often times, it is the children within these families that experience the most pain and conflict, and most of the time, parents are so wrapped up in the pain and emotions of their divorce that they unintentionally forget about the adjustments their children are having to make.   More often than not, they themselves do not understand the emotional effects that are taking place with their children until it either spirals out of control or causes resentment, both of which becomes damaging to a child’s self worth, self-esteem and confidence.

The first tool that parents seem to turn to when their children are experiencing conflict is counseling.  At first glance, this seems like the right thing to do, correct?  Not always.  Some have even suggested that a child being rushed into counseling, alone, can actually cause more harm than good.

In an article I recently had the pleasure of reading by Gary Direnfield, MSW, RSW in Adoption Week E-Magazine (Blended Family/Kids in Distress:  What to Do?), he discussed this very subject.  Mr. Direnfield suggested that all parents (including step-parents) attend counseling first, together.  However, I am very aware that a great majority of people would not find this idea appeasing and would not be attainable.  If it’s not attainable, he suggests separate counseling for the parents, but with the same counselor.  Mr. Direnfield’s advice is simply put.  Kids in distress?  PARENTS GO TO COUNSELING FIRST!  After reading his article, and with a little more research, I would tend to agree. 

Counseling is an opportunity to resolve conflict through open communication.  For example, if we have  a problem with a friend or a co-worker, usually one person will initate communication to try to resolve the situation or you will talk to your supervisor.  As parents, in the eyes of our children, we are charged to have all of the answers, and unfortunately, quite simply, we do not always.  Sometimes we need help.  Parents obtaining counseling before their children during times of conflict will be able to not only diffuse distress in their kids lives, but also learn how to better effectuate their own communication skills as well and amongst each other.  As Mr. Direnfield so eloquently wrote, for children in distress, in the context of adjustment to a new blended family, rather than just sending the children off to counseling, parents and their partners should enter counseling or for a lack of a better term “parent education” first.

Obviously, BFSO readers, I realize that every persons situation in their respective blended families is different and the circumstances surrounding same need to be taken into consideration, but I tend to agree with Mr. Direnfield’s opinion that parents should attend counseling either first or along with their children in times of conflict to help open up comunication and hopefully find resolution. 

BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this matter! 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

When going through a divorce, be prepared!

Below is a conversation I had with a reader, offering advice as she prepared for her divorce. Be advised that names have been changed to protect her confidentiality.

Reader: This Wednesday, we have child support court at 1pm. Currently, we are maintaining separate households, and I know that the court will establish visitation and address child support.

I am writing you because I was wanting to know if you have any tips on how I can ease the transition for the kids. Boy is 2 and Girl is 7 months. A major concern of mine is that  Ex-husband hasn’t developed much of a relationship with Girl. Also I am going to need a divorce lawyer, as well. I am thinking that it should be a fairly simple case since we have no assets to divide. Any input or thoughts that you have would be greatly appreciated. I have not told anyone of my discussion except for my parents. Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

My Response: Frequent contact and maintaining some sort of routine will be essential to easing the transition for your babies during this time. It’s important that visitation pick up and drop off times are strictly adhered to. Additionally, it’s better for them to have similar surroundings at both mom and dad’s house. For example, they should have a room at your house with some of their favorite things, as well as a room at dads’ house with some of their favorites. Basically, it should feel like home no matter where they are laying their heads for the night.

It might also help to start reading some kid friendly books to them regarding divorce. I’ve included links to a few below. The first one, Where Am I Sleeping Tonight, is for slightly older children (3rd or 4th grade), but you could “dumb it down” so to speak, for Boy. It will help to answer his questions or address his frustrations in a very matter of fact type of way. Remember, the children feed off of your emotion. If you embrace this change, your children will eventually embrace it. If you act anxious, nervous, heart broken (in front of them), then they will pick up on that as well.

As far as the visitation is concerned, I can definitely relate to your concerns. My son was 3 and a half when his dad and I parted ways and his father had never really had any involvement in his life. He is an overseas basketball player who works in Spain for 10 months out of the year. As such, he never had the opportunity to bond with him prior to our break up. The courts took this into consideration and awarded him frequent short visits, as opposed to longer overnight visits, during the summer months. As a matter of fact, this is automatically taken into consideration when deciding visitation for infants and toddlers. Attached are the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines concerning infants and toddlers. The courts usually adhere to such guidelines.

Regarding the attorney, I’ve recommended a few below. I’ve only personally used one of them, but the others are highly recommended.

Overall, be advised that it will be a huge mistake to go to court unprepared and without an attorney. No matter how simple the case may seem to you, I’ve always found that they are a lot more complicated than what we might think. Protect yourself and your children’s best interest by getting a good attorney in the very beginning. You’ll find that it will likely save you tons of money in the end.

Let me know if you have any additional questions. I’m here to help. Oh and check out those links to those books below.

Grace and Peace,

http://www.amazon.com/Where-Sleeping-Tonight-Story-Divorce/dp/1878076302/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242503478&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Dinosaurs-Divorce-Marc-Brown/dp/0316109967/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c/179-2123306-1893056

http://www.amazon.com/Was-Chocolate-Pudding-Little-Divorce/dp/1591473098/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/179-2123306-1893056

Reader: Court went very well and a tremendous burden has been lifted from my shoulders now that the order is in place. I really appreciate all that you have done and as you stated it does pay to be prepared. Ex-husband tried to say that he made 6k less a year then what he makes but because I had the last pay stub that was mailed to the house I was able to dispute that, and he also stated he had the kids 3 overnights a week but because I kept a calendar of when he did and didn’t keep the kids I was able to dispute that as well.

God is good and I know this is only the beginning of the end. I look forward to getting my life back on track and I hope to have everything in place by the end of the year.

Thanks again!

My Response: I’m so glad that things went well for you!!! I’ve been keeping you and your family in my prayers. Additionally, I am SO glad that you were PREPARED!!! I can’t stress this enough to my clients who are going through a divorce. Often times, we don’t want to and can’t even believe that our former spouses would even be capable of such things, but divorce seems to bring the bad out in almost everybody. All of sudden they are lying about income (it happened to me), lying about visitation (it happened to me) and lying about the amount of money that they pay to take care of the child (it happened to me). As such, I always tell my clients to expect the possible worst (be prepared to defend yourself), but pray for the best.

Divorce is hard. It’s difficult to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever, but it can be just as exciting and rewarding to write a whole new book. Just for comfort, support and encouragement, check out the excerpt of my article on “Divorce Parties” here. Embrace this change so that you can move on, for yourself and your babies.

Good luck to you and your family! I’m so glad I could help.

Kela

Legally divorced, but emotionally connected

Put your past behind you

Left over conflicts following a divorce often don’t get resolved, and often continue to linger many years after the marriage ends, suggests Aleta Koman, M. Ed, author of My Ex is Driving Me Crazy. The couples who continue to battle it out in court, for one reason or another, even after such issues have been laid out in a court order, are great examples of former spouses who are legally divorced, but still emotionally connected. These post-divorce issues not only affect the ex-spouse, but the new spouses and children as well.

There are many reasons why former spouses might still be emotionally connected. For some, it’s love. They know that they are divorced and could not make the marriage work, but they still love each other. For others, it’s the fear of moving toward a new life which they are unfamiliar with. For the rest, it’s guilt. Whatever the reason, all of them are excuses for remaining emotionally connected to your ex-spouse. And, if you continue to allow these excuses to guide your decisions, you are headed for years of dealing with an angry ex-spouse who can’t let go. The inability to create clear cut boundaries creates the angry ex-spouse.

After reading many books on creating a healthy stepfamily, dealing with an ex-spouse and co-parenting effectively, I have discovered that all of them must have been written by ex-wives (most are) because they are all centered around the ex-wife’s perspective. According to them, we should consider her feelings and understand that she might be threatened by your [her ex-husband's] new family or by your [the current wife's] presence. Imagine how much healthier your relationships and family would be if you took this into consideration, acknowledged her feelings and then acted accordingly. As such, we have created a blended family culture centered around only ONE perspective, and clearly, it’s not working! This perspective puts too much emphasis on what the ex-husband and his current wife need to be doing to make the ex-wife feel better and not enough focus on the children, and the ex-wife being responsible for her own emotions. As a result, I think it’s time for a different, healthier approach in which every adult is responsible for themselves, including their emotions, and the entire collective focus should be on the children.

To all my angry attached ex-wives

You may feel overwhelmed and scared of the new life that’s ahead of you. As a result, most of your reactions to your blended family issues are likely emotionally charged. Your life seems out of control and you’re desperate to hang on to that control. In most cases, you may have spent many years with your ex-husband and established a long-term plan for your life that  now has to be changed. Worst of all, you have to do it alone. It’s scary, isn’t it?

Once your ex remarries, these feelings will intensify. You may become jealous, angry and resentful, especially if you weren’t the one who initiated the divorce. And even if you were the one who initiated the divorce, you may still feel intense emotions as a result of your past marriage. Why didn’t he treat me like that? Why wasn’t he willing to make it work with me? Why wasn’t he willing to fight for our children, but he’s there for hers or theirs? I want to assure you that all of these feelings are normal. That being said, you cannot allow these emotions to be the driving force in all of your decisions and continue to carry that baggage of your divorce. It’s not healthy for you or the emotional development of your children.

Remember that you are all grown up now and though you may be scared, hurt or angry, you are an adult who must make adult choices for yourself and your children. So, before you react impulsively to any situation concerning your ex-spouse or his new spouse, ask yourself these questions; “Is my reaction based on emotion or intellect? Am I reacting to the reality of the situation or am I living in my past reality?

It’s time to regain your sense of independence. Your ex-spouse and his new spouse are not responsible for you or your emotions. Not matter what they do, they cannot make you feel better. Only YOU can make yourself feel better. This sense of empowerment will allow you to regain control of your own life. It’s so wonderful and empowering to realize that your happiness depends on you. It’s scary to close a chapter of your life, but it’s exciting to realize that you can rebuild it even better than before. Not to mention that it will help your children do the same.

Empower yourself. Regain control, rebuild your life, let go of the past and move on.

To all of my enabling ex-husbands

You are partially responsible for creating the angry monster through your enabling actions. Guilt is your driving force that allows you to be inconsistent, thereby creating an ex-wife who feels a sense of entitlement to your life. The reality is that you are DIVORCED. You must change your perspective by viewing your ex-wife like an acquaintenance rather than someone who you have a permanent connection to. It is not your job to provide her with emotional support, be her shoulder to cry on or make sure she’s happy. That is not your role anymore.

An emotionally attached ex-spouse will try to guilt you into thinking that you have to or even force you to share everything with her because you share a child, but DON’T FALL INTO THIS TRAP!. Realize that you are not doing an injustice to your child by not allowing your ex-spouse’s emotions to dictate everything you do. Unless there is a SERIOUS issue, such as your child is being mistreated or is very ill…there’s no need for explaining yourself, defending your actions or discussing everything with your EX-spouse. Divorce signifies an end, a separation of two people who now go off to lead separate lives. You’re free to have your own life, feelings, thoughts, theories and ideas WITHOUT consulting or comparing notes with your EX-spouse. She does not get an all access pass into your life just because you share a child.

Set boundaries for your ex-wife early on, be consistent and don’t waiver out of guilt. No, you will not waiver from the set visitation agreement because it’s convenient for her, but not convenient for your family. No, she cannot attend any and everything that you and your family plan for your child just because she is his or her mother. You are entitled to your own private festivities and celebrations with your child, without your ex-spouse. You are not harming your child by insisting that you lead separate lives. Your children will only benefit from ceasing the back and forth, thereby confusing them all the more when it comes to the divorce. They need to know that it’s okay to move on and embrace a new family. Don’t allow the fact that your ex-spouse is confused and scared to let go to influence your child’s emotions. Your child needs to observe a healthy perspective and reaction and you can offer that ot him or her.

I encourage all of the ex-husbands out there to evalute the areas in which they are weak when it comes to the ex-wife. Are you reacting out of guilt? Are you setting  clear boundaries? Are you being consistent?

Your ex’s emotional state is not your fault and you are not the cure. Guilt only serves as the fuse for a ticking time bomb that is just waiting to go off.

The beauty of divorce  is that both parties need to realize that they are now FREE! Ex-wives, you are free to be independent, in charge of your own happiness and free to rebuild your life. Ex-husbands, you are free to have your own life as well; one that is independent from your ex-wife. Don’t allow your emotions based on your past to dictate your future decisions. Once you divorce, it’s time to let go; let go of the emotions, change your perspective regarding your ex-spouse and move on. You are no longer each others’ life partners. Yes, you both will always be mom and dad to your child, but you are no longer husband and wife to one another, and those roles must be clearly redefined. The only way you can truly be free of the life you once knew is to not only legally divorce, but emotionally disengage yourself from your ex-spouse, and from that point on, allow your intellect, not your emotions, to dictate your reactions and decisions.

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