Every marriage and remarriage suffers and struggles to find and learn how to communicate effectively. Most of us hear our spouses but the question that begs a true answer is this….”Do we truly listen to our spouse?” Are we really, truly listening to them? Honestly, every couple that I have ever met with struggles in this area. We all do. The reason behind this failure is because we are all a work in progress. Our marriages and remarriages are constantly evolving and changing. It’s hard to be on our toes at all times but did you know that listening to our spouses is really one of the most important acts of love?
Sharing what is in our hearts with our spouses is so important. It’s extra easy to share all of our day-to-day frustrations and what is on the top of our minds, but truly sitting down and sharing what is important to us as spouses seems to be something that we don’t do enough as life partners. For example, one of the biggest issues I see with couples I meet with is that when they are communicating, one partner might reject the “feelings” of their spouse instead of truly listening and hearing them out. When this occurs, what your spouse takes from this is that you are basically rejecting them and judging them based on their “feelings.” Feelings in communication are neither right or wrong. What you do with your feelings is what creates those right or wrong situations. There are many advantages to mastering the art of listening in your relationship. Here are a few advantages:
- You will achieve a deeper intimacy with your spouse;
- You will learn the difference between thoughts and emotions and how to respectively deal with both;
- You will learn to accept that feelings come and go and change quickly;
- You will learn not to make decisions based on feelings;
- You gain trust , acceptance, honesty and acceptance from your partner.
Finding the right words is also a very important tool to have in your communication toolbox. Use words to describe your feelings so that you don’t leave your partner guessing what you are going through. For example:
- Abandoned, accepted, alive, aone, aloof, appreciative, attacked, bad, belittled, bitter, closed, cheated, cheerful, concerned, contempt, controlled, deceived, defensive, doubtful….etc.
While giving you the right words to say, I would be remiss if I didn’t give you the words not to say. Here are a few examples:
- WHATEVER. This is the worst word you can use to effectuate communication. What you are saying to your spouse when you use the word “whatever” is that you don’t care at all what your spouse is saying. Essentially, you are saying “you are not important enough to me for me to listen to you.”
- I DON’T CARE. This is self-explanatory and just plain rude. And, if you truly feel this way, you shouldn’t be married or in a relationship where you are required to have communication.
- DUMB. Using the word “dumb” is awful. Basically, you are negating everything your partner is saying by using such a degenerative word.
Talking about your feelings to your partner will improve your overall communication by leaps and bounds. Marriage is not a guessing game. Finding the right words and using as many of them as possible to paint a picture for your spouse allows them to see things more clearly and to understand with more clarity exactly how you are feeling. Remember, the purpose of exploring your partners feelings is to help you to better understand him/her, not to change how they feel. Accepting how they feel, agreeing to disagree instead of manipulating them to feel as you do only strengthens what you are building. Listening to one another intently builds trust and longevity. It is extremely important to remember that in good marriages, both partners continually negotiate and re-negotiate. Truly listening helps you to accept your partner for who they are and helps you to identify when you need to get on the path of renegotiation. It helps you to appreciate the person you fell in love with and is a true act of love.
Peace & Blessings,
Diane
Let’s be honest, after divorce, for men and women alike, it’s extremely difficult not to become bitter. I know, I myself, after my divorce was extremely bitter. Bitter toward an ex-husband whom I felt didnt’ deserve to be happy. Bitter toward myself as well and expected that I wouldn’t be happy again. However, when life hands you lemons….make lemonade. We can’t control the cards we are dealt. We just have to live with them, move past them and get to a better place in our lives where we can continue to be productive parents, individuals and yes, even happy.
There’s no doubt about it; divorce is a difficult thing for all involved parties to deal with. Divorced parents agonize over the guilty feelings and anxiety regarding their children post divorce. They feel guilt because they’ve hurt them and become anxious about whether or not their children will love or like them anymore. This is especially true for the non-custodial parent who does not get to see his children as often as he did prior to the divorce. As a result, many non-custodial parents overcompensate by doing at least one (usually all) of the following:
I have talked to many children and adult children of divorce over the past several years. Although I am not an adult child of divorce, all of my mom and my dad’s siblings have been divorced at least once so I am used to the blended/stepfamily. Additionally, my husband is a product of divorce and his first marriage ended in divorce as well.
What children need in order to cope with divorce is the support of both parents as their parents, not as a couple. At this point, their world is going to change enough as it is and they rely on their parents to minimize confusion by being clear and consistent. If you are divorced, then be divorced and you can still get along without vacationing or sharing weekly dinners together. Showing your children that you are making an effort to repair your relationship at this point only confuses them. Many of them begin to wonder why you could not have done this while you were married as opposed to doing so after the divorce. I know many divorced parents who practice such rituals will become defensive and say things like, “it’s much easier to do when you are no longer married because you don’t have to live with each other,” or “just because we do these things doesn’t mean that we are trying to show are children that we are getting back together.” But remember, it’s not about how easier it is for you or what you are trying to show your children. It’s what you ARE showing them that matters.
We all learned to play nice in Kindergarten….right? In today’s modern family, the term “playing nice” can be non-existent. Our relationships have a significant impact on our lives. In other words, a part of life is what our relationships make it. Civility in our relationships, whether that be with our husbands, wives or ex-spouses, encourages strength, which in turn helps us to be better parents, individuals and spouses.
Living in a nuclear/traditional family has its own ups, downs and issues. So, one can only imagine that living in a modern/blended family will be challenging at best. With that being said, I ask the question — Are you doing everything in your power to promote peace in your unit? Or, are you preventing it?
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
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