Divorce can leave children feeling like defectors

Divorce is war!  Unfortunately, on both ends of the spectrum, some parents cannot seem to get away from battling one another.  They live in constant entanglements with their ex-spouses and they shift aside the issues that post-divorce can leave on the shoulders of their children.   Granted, they have become ex-spouses, but they fail to realize that they have not divorced their children.

Albeit hard, during and after divorce, one of the most important opportunities for growth, confidence and self-esteem that you can provide for your children is to encourage a healthy, strong relationship with your ex-spouse.  Doing so will not only save your children the burden of carrying emotional baggage unnecessarily, but it will encourage your children to be non-combatant, confident and secure that although their parents are no longer together, they have a great relationship with both parents individually.   Children who are encouraged and who enjoy healthy relationships with each parent are less likely to break the rules or to pit one parent against the other should an issue arise. 

As a child of divorce myself, I always felt a sense of entanglement.  There was  a lot of disparagement around us children.  Quite simply, the disparagement always made me want to defend the other parent.  It also made me feel the need to be with that parent more than the other which eventually led to my playing two ends to the middle between them.  My parents’ actions, at times, made me feel as if I had to choose who to love more.   Being made to feel that way made me feel like I was a defector.  

Divorce is a journey that the children involved do not ask to take.  They are forced along for a ride where the results are dictated by the road their parents decide to travel.  As parents, we have to do more to take responsibility during these times and not allow the disruption to cause more damage than it has to.  We have to commit to co-parenting effectively so that our children do not have to share in all the pain that divorce brings.  It’s not adequate to assume that your children will just ”get over it” after we as the adults “get past it.”  That’s simply not fair.  We have to emphasize that their relationships will not change with their individual parents, but will only get stronger during the process. 

I will reiterate again, children live what they learn from us as parents.   It is more than worth the effort, if we decide to walk off the battlefield that divorce prepares for us, make the necessary changes to co-parent effectively and encourage our children to have healthy relationships with both parents in order to save our children from the many unnecessary conflicts that may befall them, and so that they will never have to feel like a defector. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Counseling for Kids: Wrong or Right?

It’s no secret that everyone at one time or another has had conflict in their lives, whether it be with members of your immediate family, your friends or your work colleagues.  Blended/step-families are no strangers to the same types of conflicts.  Often times, it is the children within these families that experience the most pain and conflict, and most of the time, parents are so wrapped up in the pain and emotions of their divorce that they unintentionally forget about the adjustments their children are having to make.   More often than not, they themselves do not understand the emotional effects that are taking place with their children until it either spirals out of control or causes resentment, both of which becomes damaging to a child’s self worth, self-esteem and confidence.

The first tool that parents seem to turn to when their children are experiencing conflict is counseling.  At first glance, this seems like the right thing to do, correct?  Not always.  Some have even suggested that a child being rushed into counseling, alone, can actually cause more harm than good.

In an article I recently had the pleasure of reading by Gary Direnfield, MSW, RSW in Adoption Week E-Magazine (Blended Family/Kids in Distress:  What to Do?), he discussed this very subject.  Mr. Direnfield suggested that all parents (including step-parents) attend counseling first, together.  However, I am very aware that a great majority of people would not find this idea appeasing and would not be attainable.  If it’s not attainable, he suggests separate counseling for the parents, but with the same counselor.  Mr. Direnfield’s advice is simply put.  Kids in distress?  PARENTS GO TO COUNSELING FIRST!  After reading his article, and with a little more research, I would tend to agree. 

Counseling is an opportunity to resolve conflict through open communication.  For example, if we have  a problem with a friend or a co-worker, usually one person will initate communication to try to resolve the situation or you will talk to your supervisor.  As parents, in the eyes of our children, we are charged to have all of the answers, and unfortunately, quite simply, we do not always.  Sometimes we need help.  Parents obtaining counseling before their children during times of conflict will be able to not only diffuse distress in their kids lives, but also learn how to better effectuate their own communication skills as well and amongst each other.  As Mr. Direnfield so eloquently wrote, for children in distress, in the context of adjustment to a new blended family, rather than just sending the children off to counseling, parents and their partners should enter counseling or for a lack of a better term “parent education” first.

Obviously, BFSO readers, I realize that every persons situation in their respective blended families is different and the circumstances surrounding same need to be taken into consideration, but I tend to agree with Mr. Direnfield’s opinion that parents should attend counseling either first or along with their children in times of conflict to help open up comunication and hopefully find resolution. 

BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this matter! 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

When going through a divorce, be prepared!

Below is a conversation I had with a reader, offering advice as she prepared for her divorce. Be advised that names have been changed to protect her confidentiality.

Reader: This Wednesday, we have child support court at 1pm. Currently, we are maintaining separate households, and I know that the court will establish visitation and address child support.

I am writing you because I was wanting to know if you have any tips on how I can ease the transition for the kids. Boy is 2 and Girl is 7 months. A major concern of mine is that  Ex-husband hasn’t developed much of a relationship with Girl. Also I am going to need a divorce lawyer, as well. I am thinking that it should be a fairly simple case since we have no assets to divide. Any input or thoughts that you have would be greatly appreciated. I have not told anyone of my discussion except for my parents. Thanks in advance and I look forward to hearing from you soon.

My Response: Frequent contact and maintaining some sort of routine will be essential to easing the transition for your babies during this time. It’s important that visitation pick up and drop off times are strictly adhered to. Additionally, it’s better for them to have similar surroundings at both mom and dad’s house. For example, they should have a room at your house with some of their favorite things, as well as a room at dads’ house with some of their favorites. Basically, it should feel like home no matter where they are laying their heads for the night.

It might also help to start reading some kid friendly books to them regarding divorce. I’ve included links to a few below. The first one, Where Am I Sleeping Tonight, is for slightly older children (3rd or 4th grade), but you could “dumb it down” so to speak, for Boy. It will help to answer his questions or address his frustrations in a very matter of fact type of way. Remember, the children feed off of your emotion. If you embrace this change, your children will eventually embrace it. If you act anxious, nervous, heart broken (in front of them), then they will pick up on that as well.

As far as the visitation is concerned, I can definitely relate to your concerns. My son was 3 and a half when his dad and I parted ways and his father had never really had any involvement in his life. He is an overseas basketball player who works in Spain for 10 months out of the year. As such, he never had the opportunity to bond with him prior to our break up. The courts took this into consideration and awarded him frequent short visits, as opposed to longer overnight visits, during the summer months. As a matter of fact, this is automatically taken into consideration when deciding visitation for infants and toddlers. Attached are the Indiana Parenting Time Guidelines concerning infants and toddlers. The courts usually adhere to such guidelines.

Regarding the attorney, I’ve recommended a few below. I’ve only personally used one of them, but the others are highly recommended.

Overall, be advised that it will be a huge mistake to go to court unprepared and without an attorney. No matter how simple the case may seem to you, I’ve always found that they are a lot more complicated than what we might think. Protect yourself and your children’s best interest by getting a good attorney in the very beginning. You’ll find that it will likely save you tons of money in the end.

Let me know if you have any additional questions. I’m here to help. Oh and check out those links to those books below.

Grace and Peace,

http://www.amazon.com/Where-Sleeping-Tonight-Story-Divorce/dp/1878076302/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1242503478&sr=8-1

http://www.amazon.com/Dinosaurs-Divorce-Marc-Brown/dp/0316109967/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_c/179-2123306-1893056

http://www.amazon.com/Was-Chocolate-Pudding-Little-Divorce/dp/1591473098/ref=pd_bxgy_b_img_b/179-2123306-1893056

Reader: Court went very well and a tremendous burden has been lifted from my shoulders now that the order is in place. I really appreciate all that you have done and as you stated it does pay to be prepared. Ex-husband tried to say that he made 6k less a year then what he makes but because I had the last pay stub that was mailed to the house I was able to dispute that, and he also stated he had the kids 3 overnights a week but because I kept a calendar of when he did and didn’t keep the kids I was able to dispute that as well.

God is good and I know this is only the beginning of the end. I look forward to getting my life back on track and I hope to have everything in place by the end of the year.

Thanks again!

My Response: I’m so glad that things went well for you!!! I’ve been keeping you and your family in my prayers. Additionally, I am SO glad that you were PREPARED!!! I can’t stress this enough to my clients who are going through a divorce. Often times, we don’t want to and can’t even believe that our former spouses would even be capable of such things, but divorce seems to bring the bad out in almost everybody. All of sudden they are lying about income (it happened to me), lying about visitation (it happened to me) and lying about the amount of money that they pay to take care of the child (it happened to me). As such, I always tell my clients to expect the possible worst (be prepared to defend yourself), but pray for the best.

Divorce is hard. It’s difficult to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever, but it can be just as exciting and rewarding to write a whole new book. Just for comfort, support and encouragement, check out the excerpt of my article on “Divorce Parties” here. Embrace this change so that you can move on, for yourself and your babies.

Good luck to you and your family! I’m so glad I could help.

Kela

Legally divorced, but emotionally connected

Put your past behind you

Left over conflicts following a divorce often don’t get resolved, and often continue to linger many years after the marriage ends, suggests Aleta Koman, M. Ed, author of My Ex is Driving Me Crazy. The couples who continue to battle it out in court, for one reason or another, even after such issues have been laid out in a court order, are great examples of former spouses who are legally divorced, but still emotionally connected. These post-divorce issues not only affect the ex-spouse, but the new spouses and children as well.

There are many reasons why former spouses might still be emotionally connected. For some, it’s love. They know that they are divorced and could not make the marriage work, but they still love each other. For others, it’s the fear of moving toward a new life which they are unfamiliar with. For the rest, it’s guilt. Whatever the reason, all of them are excuses for remaining emotionally connected to your ex-spouse. And, if you continue to allow these excuses to guide your decisions, you are headed for years of dealing with an angry ex-spouse who can’t let go. The inability to create clear cut boundaries creates the angry ex-spouse.

After reading many books on creating a healthy stepfamily, dealing with an ex-spouse and co-parenting effectively, I have discovered that all of them must have been written by ex-wives (most are) because they are all centered around the ex-wife’s perspective. According to them, we should consider her feelings and understand that she might be threatened by your [her ex-husband's] new family or by your [the current wife's] presence. Imagine how much healthier your relationships and family would be if you took this into consideration, acknowledged her feelings and then acted accordingly. As such, we have created a blended family culture centered around only ONE perspective, and clearly, it’s not working! This perspective puts too much emphasis on what the ex-husband and his current wife need to be doing to make the ex-wife feel better and not enough focus on the children, and the ex-wife being responsible for her own emotions. As a result, I think it’s time for a different, healthier approach in which every adult is responsible for themselves, including their emotions, and the entire collective focus should be on the children.

To all my angry attached ex-wives

You may feel overwhelmed and scared of the new life that’s ahead of you. As a result, most of your reactions to your blended family issues are likely emotionally charged. Your life seems out of control and you’re desperate to hang on to that control. In most cases, you may have spent many years with your ex-husband and established a long-term plan for your life that  now has to be changed. Worst of all, you have to do it alone. It’s scary, isn’t it?

Once your ex remarries, these feelings will intensify. You may become jealous, angry and resentful, especially if you weren’t the one who initiated the divorce. And even if you were the one who initiated the divorce, you may still feel intense emotions as a result of your past marriage. Why didn’t he treat me like that? Why wasn’t he willing to make it work with me? Why wasn’t he willing to fight for our children, but he’s there for hers or theirs? I want to assure you that all of these feelings are normal. That being said, you cannot allow these emotions to be the driving force in all of your decisions and continue to carry that baggage of your divorce. It’s not healthy for you or the emotional development of your children.

Remember that you are all grown up now and though you may be scared, hurt or angry, you are an adult who must make adult choices for yourself and your children. So, before you react impulsively to any situation concerning your ex-spouse or his new spouse, ask yourself these questions; “Is my reaction based on emotion or intellect? Am I reacting to the reality of the situation or am I living in my past reality?

It’s time to regain your sense of independence. Your ex-spouse and his new spouse are not responsible for you or your emotions. Not matter what they do, they cannot make you feel better. Only YOU can make yourself feel better. This sense of empowerment will allow you to regain control of your own life. It’s so wonderful and empowering to realize that your happiness depends on you. It’s scary to close a chapter of your life, but it’s exciting to realize that you can rebuild it even better than before. Not to mention that it will help your children do the same.

Empower yourself. Regain control, rebuild your life, let go of the past and move on.

To all of my enabling ex-husbands

You are partially responsible for creating the angry monster through your enabling actions. Guilt is your driving force that allows you to be inconsistent, thereby creating an ex-wife who feels a sense of entitlement to your life. The reality is that you are DIVORCED. You must change your perspective by viewing your ex-wife like an acquaintenance rather than someone who you have a permanent connection to. It is not your job to provide her with emotional support, be her shoulder to cry on or make sure she’s happy. That is not your role anymore.

An emotionally attached ex-spouse will try to guilt you into thinking that you have to or even force you to share everything with her because you share a child, but DON’T FALL INTO THIS TRAP!. Realize that you are not doing an injustice to your child by not allowing your ex-spouse’s emotions to dictate everything you do. Unless there is a SERIOUS issue, such as your child is being mistreated or is very ill…there’s no need for explaining yourself, defending your actions or discussing everything with your EX-spouse. Divorce signifies an end, a separation of two people who now go off to lead separate lives. You’re free to have your own life, feelings, thoughts, theories and ideas WITHOUT consulting or comparing notes with your EX-spouse. She does not get an all access pass into your life just because you share a child.

Set boundaries for your ex-wife early on, be consistent and don’t waiver out of guilt. No, you will not waiver from the set visitation agreement because it’s convenient for her, but not convenient for your family. No, she cannot attend any and everything that you and your family plan for your child just because she is his or her mother. You are entitled to your own private festivities and celebrations with your child, without your ex-spouse. You are not harming your child by insisting that you lead separate lives. Your children will only benefit from ceasing the back and forth, thereby confusing them all the more when it comes to the divorce. They need to know that it’s okay to move on and embrace a new family. Don’t allow the fact that your ex-spouse is confused and scared to let go to influence your child’s emotions. Your child needs to observe a healthy perspective and reaction and you can offer that ot him or her.

I encourage all of the ex-husbands out there to evalute the areas in which they are weak when it comes to the ex-wife. Are you reacting out of guilt? Are you setting  clear boundaries? Are you being consistent?

Your ex’s emotional state is not your fault and you are not the cure. Guilt only serves as the fuse for a ticking time bomb that is just waiting to go off.

The beauty of divorce  is that both parties need to realize that they are now FREE! Ex-wives, you are free to be independent, in charge of your own happiness and free to rebuild your life. Ex-husbands, you are free to have your own life as well; one that is independent from your ex-wife. Don’t allow your emotions based on your past to dictate your future decisions. Once you divorce, it’s time to let go; let go of the emotions, change your perspective regarding your ex-spouse and move on. You are no longer each others’ life partners. Yes, you both will always be mom and dad to your child, but you are no longer husband and wife to one another, and those roles must be clearly redefined. The only way you can truly be free of the life you once knew is to not only legally divorce, but emotionally disengage yourself from your ex-spouse, and from that point on, allow your intellect, not your emotions, to dictate your reactions and decisions.

The Hard Stuff: Don’t Sweat It…Share it!

Everyone has heard that old saying “don’t sweat the small stuff,” but I have never heard a saying that relates to the “hard stuff.”  Blended families often have to deal with not only problems with the ex/current spouse issues  but also with discipline, entangled feelings, children and money.  Finding constructive ways to deal with difficult blended family issues can be challenging.

The above especially holds true in the case of second and ex wives.  Feelings often get easily convoluted.  Most of the time, issues between the new wife and the ex wife are laced with assumptions, unnecessary attitudes and insecurities, most of which make it hard for both sides to come to mutual common grounds and makes the lives of their husbands and children very hard to deal with.

I have even realized in retrospect to some of my past encounters, had I been more practical in my thinking about my ex’s new wife and had I been more gentle in my approach when issues arose, some of her reactions to my actions could have been avoided entirely, which in turn, would have made things easier.  However, hindsight is always 20/20.

If we all take moments to collect our thoughts, sort our feelings and decide to arrive at a different thought process, we won’t be so quick to attack one another.  Share the hard stuff, communicate with your husband’s ex (if the avenue is open), give yourselves the opportunity to a kinder approach and the hard stuff will find a way to work itself out.  It takes work and cooperation but the end result  is so rewarding.  Ms. Thoele’s book (The Courage to be a Stepmom) has taught me so very much about being kinder, more considerate and open to communication. 

As I always  reiterate – - – we have to pick our battles carefully within the blended family.  If we express our feelings without being judgmental, issues that arise won’t be as hard to solve.  Some new wives can be very judgmental toward ex-wives just because  of the preconceived notions that the word “ex” has attached to it.  A lot of ex-wives place unnecessary idiosynchrocies on new wives.  Both can be destructive.  As we have all heard the stories and by my working at a law firm, I have seen it on numerous occasions; divorced parents sometimes allow their feelings to get the best of them and they include the children in their pettiness without sometimes realizing that they are doing so.  Other times, parents understand exactly what they are doing and purposely involve their children to spite the other parent.  My advice is that you cannot control what the other parent says or does when you  are not around.  Support your children as best as you can.  Talk to your children if questions arise relative to what the other parent is talking to them about but always take the high road.  Never back slide to their standard (if that is happening).  Your child will, in the long run, figure it out for themselves. 

In my approach, in our blended family, I try my best to always lead by example.  When situations may arise between my husband’s ex and myself, I try to see the bigger picture and talk out what is bothering me.  It’s not always easy and when it’s not, I try to remember it’s not about me or the ex wife, husband or ex-husband, it’s about our children. 

Don’t get stuck.  Don’t sweat the small stuff and as Ms. Thoele says, do your best to share the “hard stuff” by opening your line of communication.  Parenting and step-parenting is not easy, but if you open your lines of communication, you will find the urge to control will seem distant and your relationships will make enormous strides. 

Peace and Blessings,
Di

The Great Mother’s Day Debate

I’m sure this debate has been going on century after century but it has been brought up again this year. Should husbands get their wives Mother’s Day presents?  To me, that’s a no brainer – uh, yes!  Combine 36 hours of labor, three daughters, and too many to count stretch marks later I think I deserve at least a card.  But, here’s where the debate comes in.  I’m not my husband’s mother so it is Mother’s Day right?  He should be giving presents to his mom and not me right?  I have heard this argument from both sides. As I have found, even some mothers (of boys!!!) think that of course their sons need to spend Mother’s Day with their own mothers.  Of course this does vary by age and marital status. Some wives would be irate that their husbands would neglect them to spend the day with their mother.  Mothers want to spend the day with their children since they wouldn’t have a special day if it weren’t for them!!  Whew! It wears me out thinking about it. Then you throw in step-mothers, grandmothers, Aunts and then you really have a debacle!  Here are some tips on how to handle what should be a very nice day for ALL mothers:

1. Guys, no your wife is NOT your mother BUT a card or a nice note to acknowledge that she is the mother of your kids would be appreciated. Have a celebration in the morning with the whole family with a nice breakfast.
2. After you celebrate your wife as the mother of your kids and your kids have had a chance to honor her as well, then get dressed and go to each other’s respective mothers homes. If distance is a factor, make sure you call in the morning and let your kids talk to grandma too. Mothers and grandmothers like to know you are thinking of them on this day especially if you aren’t in the same town or state. Picking up the phone first thing will really make them happy and that way they know they are still on the top of your list.
3. Calling all mothers . . . if your child has a step-mother no matter what your relationship is with her please make sure your child calls or sees her this day as well!! It is not a threat to you to have your child have a good and loving relationship with their step-mother. In fact you should want to encourage that as your child is in her care when they visit your ex! Just a little inside tip!
4. Spend the afternoon or evening with your mothers who are in town. You can have a cookout or just a slice of cake. But this way the entire family gets to be with mom and grandma. And if you are really adventureous, invite your child’s step-mom too. If your child is close with both sides of their family why make them choose? You all can come together for an afternoon of food, celebration, and fun. You wouldn’t even have to have a big formal thing.  Just invite your ex and his wife over for a little while so your kids can enjoy everyone at once.  Now I know that won’t work in every family and some of you are saying “is she nuts?” BUT if you can stand it for just a little while it is beneficial for your kids.

So, this Mother’s Day let’s not sit around and debate. Just jump in and celebrate whatever way makes you and your family happy!!!!

Loneliness – A Reality of Being Newly Divorced

It almost seems like every day as a single parent you are dating your kids.A wonderful evening is dinner with your children with an hour episode of Hannah Montana, ICarly, and Josh and Drake.You end the evening with a charming but gentle story about a person who has nothing and in less than 40 pages ends up gaining the whole world.You teach faith to your children as you amiably pray with them and agree with God that they will grow up to be that person that gains the whole world, just like the characters in the book.You kiss them on the forehead and remind them that you love them. You turn and exit the room realizing that you don’t have anyone to tuck you in, kiss you on the forehead and pray with you.What used to be a warm bed is now filled with pillows that mimic the fact that you are alone.

You exit your child’s room pissed off because this is not what you dreamed about. This is not what your parents prayed about for you.Instead of having gained the world, this story has ended horribly.You find yourself looking at your collection of children books and what used to make you happy as a child makes you irritated.You say to yourself that all of these childhood stories are lies.If you are a man you might begin to think that there is no such thing as a Cinderella but a gold-digger instead.And what does seven men living with Snow White make her – a ‘hoe’?If you are a woman you might wonder if your Kent is really Kermit the frog and if your Prince Charming just got out of jail and is without a job. All of a sudden a little person that wears a dark outfitand looks just like you, sits above your left shoulder and reminds you that your ex -spouse left a bottle of tequila that you bought 10 years ago on your honeymoon. You were going to open it on your anniversary, but hell he or she is gone. You take a moment to reflect on your past relationship then you open the bottle and take a few shots, not really drunk but tipsy, you find the courage to pick up the phone and call your ex just to say, thank you for nothing, laughing as you hang up the phone.The morning comes and you find yourself with a headache and the reality that you are starting over again.They are gone and you are left picking up the pieces.

Loneliness is a reality of being divorced.What used to be so common is now so uncommon.You want to cry but ever y time you try to deal with your emotions you can’t because you have to do something for your children.Let’s not forget the haunting sounds of family that are missing.It feels like your house is filled with ghosts.You look in the direction they once played or slept only to find they aren’t there anymore. Your parents call you everyday just to make sure you have not tried to kill yourself.You will not watch romantic movies because it too much to handle.You hate to see couples and you feel like the universe has robbed you of your dignity.You hate running into people who knew you and your spouse, because they always ask how the other person is doing.Over and over again you have to say that we are going through a divorce.What really makes you mad is when they say those magic words, “I am so sorry.”You have this 30 second dream where you kick the ass of every person who should have told you that your marriage was going to end one day.When you come back to reality they are still talking, you find an excuse to end the conversation, instead of saying, “Could you please shut the hell up, before I kick your ass!”

Even though it seems that your world is ending, your life is just beginning.I have learned that regardless of the circumstance the sun will rise again. What appear to be your darkest days are the days where you display tremendous amounts of strength.The reality is that you are not dating your kids you are putting your kids first while trying to find a balance.It takes time to learn how to be the responsible parent while learning how to reconfigure your life.Instead of trying to find love, spend time trying to find you.Explore the things that you always dreamed of doing. Take a dance class, meet new people, explore the world though the eyes of a new opportunity instead of through the eyes of a broken marriage.Remember, you are not alone; millions of people have gone through a divorce.Even me, I am a new inductee into the blended family crew.

Antonio Love is a recently divorced father who is currently raising his daughter. He is also the author of Talking What Ya Want and Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway. For more information on Antonio Love and his movement, please visit www.antoniolove.com.

Death and child custody!

In some of my earlier posts I spoke about being ill for nearly two years. At one point, I wasn’t sure if I was going to make it or if I even wanted to. During that time I thought a lot about my son and what would happen to him if I died. Who would get custody of him, and how would that affect him?

My blended family situation is a bit different that others. My current husband and I have raised my biological son since he was 4 and he is now 12. He calls my husband dad. My husband has been there for every school performance, soccer game and recital. He coached his basketball team for 4 years. He’s wiped away tears, taught him how to ride a bike and overall, is a wonderful influence in his life. My son calls him dad because he is dad in every way that counts.

My son loves his biological father, but he is out of the country for 10 months of every year, and it has been hard for them to form the bond that my husband and son share. The type of bond that they share takes effort and time, and unfortunately for my ex, he isn’t present to put forth that effort and never has been.  Although I still encourage my ex and son’s relationship, I just don’t think it will ever be as strong as the bond that my husband and son share. Let me make it clear that I don’t want it to be this way as I firmly believe that my son will benefit from having a strong bond with both of his fathers. However, I, alone, can only do so much to make that happen.

So this brings me to the point of this post; who would I want to care for my son in the event of my untimely death? Answer…my husband!! I couldn’t imagine having my son’s world being completely torn a part due to my death and then be taken away from the only “dad” and full-time parent that he’s ever known. It would be absolutely devastating for him. Of course I would still want his bio-dad and second mom to be a huge part of his life, but I would want him to continue to be primarily raised by my husband. Not to mention that it would also devastate my husband if he lost his wife and son in the same year.

The burning questions that I’ve had since my illness are how do I make sure that husband remains the primary caregiver for my son if I were to die? Do I include it in my will? Do I have this conversation with my ex? Will my ex understand where I’m coming from and do what’s best for our son? Or, will my husband be faced with dealing with a vicious custody battle (he’s already said that he WOULD FIGHT) and my death simultaneously? Out of respect for my ex and because I don’t ever want him to feel as if I don’t want him in our son’s life, I think I’ll eventually have this conversation with him. I want it to first come from me and not some cold legal document. I really do think that he’ll understand.

What about you BFSO readers? Do any of you have similar situations? What plans have you made in the event of your death? Drop us a comment or send an email to info@blendedfamilysoapopera.com.

Balance & the Blended Family by Diane Greene

Blended families are hard enough….especially when everyone is learning how to balance their new lives together.  This includes mothers, fathers, step-fathers, step-moms and the children as well.  Everyone has their own way of finding their balance and where they fit into the blended family. 

Most of the time, the children are the ones that have the hardest time finding balance.  In some of my readings, I have seen it described as a game of “musical chairs” because most of the time, the children are required to move into a new position and that takes major adjustment.  For example, my step-daughter is the oldest child in her mother and step-father’s household.  In our household, she is the second to the baby of the family.  Therefore, she goes from having more responsibility at her mother’s home to just keeping her room clean at our house.   So as you can see, she, upon returning to her mother’s home, has to make adjustments that I am sure she doesn’t always like (i.e., being the big sister, chores, helping mom, etc.)  but at the same time, are just part of life as an oldest child.  Although we try to maintain that balance for her, that music never stops for her and her life doesn’t stop changing from week to week and I am sure that it is hard for her at times as it is at times for all members of the blended family.

The trick is to maintain a semblance of balance.   The following are some ideas that you can use to help maintain that balance:

1.  Suggest to your husband or wife some special alone time with his/her child (i.e., take him/her out for lunch, movie, etc.) without you once in a while.  And you do the same with your child or children. 

2.  Continue to take notice of their special accomplishments and make sure they know you are keeping up with all of them (i.e., grades, choir recitals, soccer and volleyball games, etc.).

3.  To say your love for your child or step-child is unconditional is easy, but it is also easy to be looked over at times.   Show them physical attention.  Hugs are so important (YES, even for boys).  When I had my oldest son (now 21), the nurse at the hospital told me that human touch is the most powerful tool of  communication  you can have with your child (and stepchild).  Hug them often, sit together, give them high-fives and tell them you are proud of them for no reason. 

4.  Listen to your children and step-children.  Make sure they know they can come to you and that you are open-minded to their suggestions and feelings.  Sometimes children of blended families will seek your approval for little things because they may have insecurities or jealousies about your new family.  Make sure they know your love is not performance-based but unconditional.

I married a man who had one child.  I have 3.  So, my step-daughter obviously had to make the most adjustments in our blended family.  When she comes to our home, she deals with 3 brothers.  When she goes home, she has 2 little sisters that she has to make adjustments with as well.  I try to make it a point to make her transition smooth when coming to our home because she is the only girl and a “daddy’s girl” at that. 

No matter what our agenda is for that day of the week or the weekend, I try to make sure that my step-daughter has that very important alone time with her father, even if it’s something as simple as watching a television show with him alone.  I do this in subtle ways where not even my husband picks up on it at times.  This is one thing I do to create that balance for her. 

It takes a lot of hard work and time to build a balanced blended family but when it happens, it will be one of the most rewarding and strengthening experiences you can ever have. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Maintaining Everlasting Bonds by Kela Price

It’s no secret that divorce, remarriage, and re-coupling; especially when there are children involved, can be hard on the entire family – ex-spouses, children, new spouses and the in-laws and other extended family members. People don’t realize or even consider the feelings of ex-brother and sister-in-laws, ex-mother and father-in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins…It is difficult, and for some, impossible to let go of bonds that were established during years of matrimony. As a matter of fact, is it fair to ask this of our extended family members?

My ex and I were together for nearly six years and he spent plenty time with my family. He was there for holidays, birthdays, family reunions and so much more. He hung out with my brother, watched sports with my father and was there to emotionally support my family and I when my father was terminally ill. He was more than just a boyfriend and eventually the father of my child. He was truly a member of our family. So, as you can imagine, it was difficult for my family to just break all ties; which is what was initially best.

As I’ve stated in earlier post, it’s so harmful to try and throw everyone together if there are unresolved feelings, emotions and conflicts about your divorced husband or wife. It takes time to get to the point when you all can gather together in the name of family. Certainly, if you want to gouge your ex-wife’s eyes out or secretly pray that your ex-husband is run over by a freight train, it’s probably not a good idea for you to attend extended family gatherings together. And, if this is the case, your extended family should respect your need to heal as well as your current spouse’s need for time to adjust. As such, in-laws, if you must continue a relationship with the ex, do so on your own time. Don’t force everyone to attend gatherings until all involved parties are ready to do so. Remember, your loyalty should lie with your child AND his or her current spouse. Pushing the idea too prematurely often does more harm than good.

Side Note: Often times the adults want to use the children as an excuse for pushing their way in, due to their own hidden agendas. “But little Billy wants me there.” Please be realistic and honest about your own agendas that have nothing to do with the child. You know that little Billy NEVER benefits from having his whole family together, if they are at each other’s throats. Children pick up and are gravely affected by obvious tension.

In my case, it took years before my ex could stop by my mom’s house (that’s where my brother, his wife, my husband and our kids usually gather for Sunday dinner) for a visit. For years, my family asked about him and missed him, but respected my current husband and I enough not to push. This summer, however, my ex stopped by just to drop something off, but decided to sit and chat for a while. Surprisingly, it wasn’t all that awkward. He hugged my mom, talked to my brother, played with the children…After nearly 8 years of working on co-parenting and adjusting to our new lives, we’ve finally buried those hatchets, resolved old feelings and can concentrate on being better parents and even friends. Additionally, my husband and his wife are secure in our respective marriages and are comfortable with our ex-spouses. More importantly, we all share a mutual respect for each other and know the appropriate boundaries that must not be crossed. All of these factors must be present prior to participating in immediate or extended family gatherings.

The famous Simmons family is a perfect example of how to successfully blend an extended family. This picture was taken from Essence Magazine in an issue where they showcased their favorite blended families.

Children, ex-spouses and in-laws have to lose so much after a divorce; property, money, homes, relationships, etc., but family shouldn’t be one of those things. Although biological ties are the main reason that blended families are thrown together; it shouldn’t be an essential requirement for being a family. I’m fully aware that evolving past any bitterness and hurt and resolving old feelings is crucial prior to challenging the traditional notion of family. But, don’t allow that bitterness and hurt or unrealistic expectations to prevent healthy bonding within the blended family. Allowing this bonding to occur confirms our reality as blended families and that is, that all of the members of the extended blended family are family. We are all there or at least we should be, for the same purpose; to raise healthy, well-adjusted, well-rounded compassionate citizens of this world. At some point, that must take precedence over our past unresolved feelings and hurt. When you embrace this notion, children are no longer held hostage by the pain of having to choose, but instead, they are free to just love. More importantly, they only benefit from the true experience of having several parents to love and be loved by, along with additional family members with whom they can establish everlasting bonds.

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