Share good news about your stepfamily

September 23, 2009 By 3 Comments

cartoonstepfamilyIt’s no secret that stepfamilies can be extremely challenging, but they can be successful if the family focuses on building their family. This may be hard to believe because all that seems to be discussed in articles, on blogs, books, etc. is the bad stuff that stepfamilies can’t seem to get past; be it an intrusive ex-wife, a husband who doesn’t understand and support his wife or kids that don’t like and/or respect you. BUT, you can get past those things and your stepfamily, including your children, will benefit as a result.

I’ve mentioned the ladies over at the Stepfamily Letter Project in a couple of posts. It’s a site where stepfamily members can relieve stress by getting things off their chests, anonymously. It’s a good way to vent and blow off some steam before approaching the problem a bit more diplomatically. I think it’s very useful and beneficial and I always encourage my readers and clients to relieve their frustration by speaking their mind in this manner. If you keep it bottled in, you will eventually EXPLODE and that isn’t good for anyone.

That being said, I think it’s equally important that we begin to share what’s going right in our stepfamilies to give other stepfamilies hope for the future. Sure, we’ve probably all been where disgruntled stepfamilies are, but for those of us who happened to, with hardwork, dedication, love and understanding, emerge successfully need to share that good news with everyone.

I’ll start: I’ve made it no secret that the start of my marriage was shaky because my husband and I focused on all the wrong things. We worked tirelessly to try and build a great relationship with his ex-wife because we wanted my bonus son to feel like all was not lost and that we could all be one big happy family. In the process, however, we neglected our marriage and we certainly weren’t one big happy family. As a matter of fact, the ONLY person that was happy was his ex-wife because we catered to her needs. Even my stepson wasn’t happy! Instead of my husband discussing matters that were pertinent to our household with each other, he was discussing them with his ex-wife and I was just forced to do what was convenient for them, but not at all convenient for me. He was trying to prove to her that he could still be a good father by being a great partner to her and offering her support, but he was not a good husband to me and offered me none [support]. But, after many arguments, communication, counseling, love and understanding we began to realize the importance of working on our marriage and family. We made US a priority and as a result, built a marriage and stepfamily that cannot be broken.

For starters, my husband and I are now that disgustingly madly in love couple that still hold hands during car rides; call each other cute little pet names like baby, honey and angel; and can’t keep our hands off each other. He is truly the love of my life and is an EXCELLENT, supportive, loving, understanding husband and father.

Another benefit of my husband and I putting our marriage and family first is how well my son has adjusted. He is an amazingly compassionate, intelligent, strong, wise young man. Navigating through our blended family has taught him to be understanding, forgiving, loving and accepting. He is also excellent with communicating  his feelings, thoughts and beliefs with us. His teachers rave about him being a leader and the peacemaker in class, not to mention that he is a straight A student! Because all of his parents, including my ex and his wife, have worked hard to maintain our separate households while still attempting to work together, our son doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on anything. As a matter of fact, he has NEVER had a desire for his parents to be back together again. He has often expressed that he likes his family just the way it is.

Although my bonus son hasn’t adjusted as well, due to the fact that his mother won’t allow him to see us, the foundation that we built still stays with him. During our phone conversations, he has often expressed that he misses us and wants to come home. As a matter of fact, when he was 9 he told his mother that when he turned 10 he was going to live with us. Additionally, he has often told me [his evil stepmother] how much he misses me and my 200,000 questions that I always ask him. Side note: I always asked him about his friends at school, what he did at recess, his favorite foods that his stepfather cooked for him, if he liked girls, yet… I always thought I got on his nerves when I did that, but it turns out that’s one of the things he actually misses about me.

Overall, my husband and I have built a strong marriage and family for our children and as a result, our children have been able to witness a healthy marriage and develop skills that are and will continue to be beneficial to them in the future. More importantly, we’ve given them a sense of family that they will not forget and can continue to rely on.

See, there are many positive stepfamilies out there, even if the ex-wife is intrusive and destructive. You just have to make a firm commitment to each other, as husband and wife, and as a family. Work on building your marriage and strong relationships within your immediately family first. If you do so, you can build a strong stepfamily and that’s certainly good news.

What about you? TMF wants to start a Good News Stepfamily Project. We want you readers to start spreading the good news about your stepfamily. Maybe you too have gotten through the many obstacles that stepfamilies face and are now a strong stepfamily unit. If so, we need to start spreading this message of hope. It is true that many of us face battles with the exes, challenges with our stepchildren and even our spouses, initially, but it is possible to get past all that. If you have indeed gotten past it, we want to hear your good news. You can either leave a comment following this post and/or send your good news to goodnews@blendedfamilysoapopera.com. We’ll post all of your good news comments and emails in the good news section of our site so that everyone can see and understand that it is possible to jump those hurdles and create and maintain a healthy stepfamily.

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Team Family…by Tiya Sumter

February 2, 2009 By 6 Comments

Three Strategies Needed to Win

When a blended family is created sometimes wounds, baggage and a fear of not getting it right may come along with that. Being a product of a blended family, I placed certain expectations on my dad (he remarried). If he couldn’t get it right with my mom, he’d better show me (in this other relationship) why he chose to my step-mother instead. What I learned from that experience (it’s been 30+ years now) is that in order to make it work, we have to make sure everyone is taken care of, that everyone feels equally loved. It helps when the family spends quality time together developing bonds and coming to the realization that they are al on the same team. Here are some great ways to build up that team, we’ll call “Team Family.”

  1. Family Mission Statement includes the goals and plans you have for your family. Each member must contribute. It is critical that everyone feels included and confident that their thoughts, feelings and opinions matter. Also included are the roles and importance that each member holds in the family and what you want your family to represent. A peaceful home, one filled with joy and fun, happiness and plenty of love are all wonderful goals to aim for. Whatever your primary goal is as a family, each member’s actions should reflect that mission. It is okay to refer back to the statement from time to time as a reminder of what the family said was important. After you amicably create your mission statement, it’s time to start planning. The plans for your family should encompass the vacations and activities you want to enjoy together. A fair way to plan is to alternate, have children pick the vacation one year and the parents, the next year.
  2. Family Fun Nights Making family night a ritual in your home is a must. Family night can include games, cooking contests, living room sleepovers, dance contests, movie watch and review nights and much more. Just taking the time, turning off the television and computer to just talk is extremely effective for building a strong team. Be open and think outside the box when planning your family fun night. One more great option for a blended family is the get to know you game. Asking general questions, such as who’s afraid of spiders or whose favorite color is green is a great way to see how well the family knows one another. Have each family member anonymously put down a few random facts about themselves, place them in a hat and allow each member to pull one out and guess which person it is. This works well with families that have older children.
  3. Always Consider The Team. Working together is what keeps the team strong. Always communicate with one another on how you can make your family better. Let the children speak up and share what they can contribute to the success of the family with the parents sharing the same. Ask yourself what you can personally do to add (that joy, peace and happiness…refer to your mission statement) to your family. Remember, actions do speak louder than words. Show true team family spirit and teamwork with every action. Each family member’s energy and positive attitude are necessary to “Team Family.” When you are on the same team, working and planning together will definitely help you reach your ultimate goal…”Winning.”

tiyasumter Tiya Sumter is a Certified Life and Relationship coach and owner of Life Editing. Her belief is that all of our lives tell a story and it is up to us which story our lives will tell. Her methods involve teaching her clients how to recognize what’s not working in their lives and/or relationships and removing those negative thoughts and behaviors that frequently block us from living the lives that we want. It’s about creating a life story that reads exactly how it would read, if you wrote it yourself. To learn more about Tiya and her practice please visit www.lifeediting.com.

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Mediation – Does it really work??

July 31, 2008 By 3 Comments

As explained in earlier blogs, my husband’s ex-wife loves to go to court. Every time we turn around we’re getting a notice about appearing in court for something related to her. Our recent experience, however, is turning out to be a little different. I firmly believe the outcome will ultimately be the same, but the process is going a little differently. This time we went to court only to be ordered by the Judge to go to a mediator before coming back to court. Huh?? I thought mediation was to prevent you from going to court in the first place. Usually if mediation isn’t successful, you go to court, right?? Well apparently this particular Judge had a different idea.

Although I can’t go into detail about this particular issue, I will say that we are fighting because K (husband’s son) did something that was a definite cause for concern. As such, we (my husband and I) wanted him to attend counseling. Often times a child will tell a third party, who he doesn’t know, something that he won’t tell his parents. We just wanted to be certain that he could communicate his feelings without feeling embarrassed. His mother was completely opposed to the idea; stating that it would make him think that he’s crazy, thereby causing long-term damage to his mental health. However, we felt that ignoring (acting like it didn’t happen) the situation could result in long-term damage to his mental health. After 8 months of arguing about this, both in and out of court, what are 2 hours with a mediator going to do to drastically change the opinions of either party?? It’s a big waste of time and money!

What is mediation?

The mediator remains neutral between both parties. That means the mediator can’t give advice to either party, and also can’t act as a lawyer for either party.

What the mediator can do, though, is to point out in open session to both parties things that each of them should be aware (They are aware, but they just don’t care) of about what they’re trying to accomplish. That open and free exchange of information frees up both parties to negotiate with each other in confidence. Because both parties are working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense to both parties.

Yeah, right! Whoever came up with this obviously doesn’t know my husband and his ex-wife. Mediation may work for some couples who are having issues with divorce and co-parenting, but it definitely isn’t a one size fit all approach to resolving these types of issues. That definition above mentioned that because both parties are working with the same base of information, it usually takes far less time to negotiate a resolution that makes sense. Are you kidding me?? The problem is rarely misinformation; it’s usually how the parties interpret that information that presents the issue. I just don’t think mediation works if both parties aren’t willing to be the least bit reasonable. The problem with most divorced couples is that unwillingness to let go of emotional baggage in order to resolve the real issues. Often times holding on to this baggage allows certain people to make every issue about them, instead of focusing on the real issue – co-parenting the child/ren. Therefore, if those individuals can’t let go of that baggage, then compromise can’t and often times, doesn’t exist.

I’m in no way suggesting that mediation doesn’t work. I am simply saying that it doesn’t work for everyone. I actually believe that mediation would work for me and my ex because our relationship isn’t and never has been as volatile as my husband’s relationship with his ex. He (my ex) definitely has done and does some things that I don’t agree with, but, at this point, we are both still willing to try and understand where the other is coming from. Additionally, we both know that being at each others’ throats IS NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF OUR CHILD. No matter how often we disagree and how different our approaches are to parenting, we know that we owe it to him to ALWAYS put forth the best effort that we can to communicate our issues in a civil manner. Children of divorce and blended families deserve parents that will always consider their best interest. They deserve parents that communicate with a level head, in a civilized manner. They deserve parents that will let go of the past in order to help their children move toward the future. They deserve parents who get along! I guess sometimes, even reasonable adults need a mediator to tell them that. For now, read my blog and save some money…LOL!!

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Interview with a Remarried Dad

June 20, 2008 By 2 Comments

I get the opportunity to speak with so many ex-wives, second wives, divorced dads, divorced adult children, etc. on a regular basis.  The conversation below is one of my interviews with a remarried dad that allows you to tap directly into the mind of a frustrated father, frustrated ex-husband and frustrated current husband.

Blending In: What was your relationship like with your ex-wife prior to you getting remarried?

Remarried Dad: It was pretty cool. We didn’t argue because there was nothing to argue about. She had her freedom, and i had the child (most of the time).

Blending In: When did you start having problems?

RD: As soon as my current wife and her child came into the picture. Well, as soon as my ex saw my current wife we started having problems. I had never seen my ex act that way before. But, none of my other relationships were serious either. My current wife started coming with me to pick up/drop off my son; she attended birthday parties; and overall, became a permanent fixture in my life. My ex didn’t like that for whatever reason.

BI: Didn’t you have some idea that you’d have problems?

RD: I knew there would be problems just because I knew what type of person she was. But, I underestimated the extent of the problems. I had always been an outstanding father (BI side note: I could see the sadness in his eyes as he spoke and hear the frustration in his voice), and I never thought she would purposely harm our relationship out of bitterness or competition.

BI: What was your relationship like with your current wife?

RD: In the beginning, before we even married, we fought all of the time about my ex-wife. My current wife felt as if I was allowing my ex-wife to control our family.

BI: How did you feel?

RD: I didn’t understand why my ex couldn’t see that I had moved on, and that my current wife would have a problem with some of the things she did when I was single. At the same time, I thought my current wife was just trying to make me adopt her way of thinking because she didn’t agree with my ex’s way of thinking. I thought this was just something that she was going to have to understand because she knew my situation before I got married.

BI: But, you knew your current wife’s situation before she got married. Did you attempt to understand her?

RD: I attempted, but couldn’t.

BI: How do you know that she didn’t attempt, but just couldn’t either? You seem as if you thought that she wasn’t even trying to do so.

RD: I didn’t feel like she was.

BI: Why?

RD: I just didn’t feel as if her feelings were justified because they were pulling me away from my son.

BI: Are you sure it was your current wife pulling you away from your son; or, was it your ex-wife that was keeping you away from your son because of your current wife?

RD: At the time I thought it was my current wife.

BI: Then why would you marry such a woman? Are there any good qualities about this woman? Was she caring or loving?

RD: At the time I didn’t feel like she was.

BI: Let me ask you this: who took care of your son when he was in your home?

RD: My current wife.

BI: Who fed him? Cleaned up after him? Transported him to necessary and sometimes unneccessary activities, etc.?

RD: My current wife.

BI: Do you think she would’ve done that if she wasn’t loving and caring?

RD: No…I guess not.

BI: If you felt as if your current wife was doing all of these things to keep you away from your son, then why’d you marry or stay married to her?

RD: Because I loved…I love my wife more than anything.

BI: Are you sure you weren’t just using her to care for your son?

RD: No way.

BI: Then why did you give her the privilege (I’m being sarcastic here) of taking care of your son, but basically take away her right to be respected as the mother figure in his life?

RD: I didn’t do that.

BI: You did exactly that – every time you dismissed her feelings when your ex got involved. You made her feel insecure…like she had no say so regarding what went on in her house.

RD: I thought I was making her feel secure.

BI: How?

RD: I was there with her.

BI: So was the trash. How’s that any different? She was there too. Yet, that wasn’t enough for you. You still didn’t feel as if she was attempting to understand.

RD: I just felt that my ex would always do what was in our son’s best interest.

BI: And you didn’t feel as if your current wife would?

RD: I didn’t know.

BI: Again, why did you marry her then? Better yet, why did you get divorced from your ex? You seemingly had more trust in her than you did your current wife.

RD: Ok, Oprah. Why are you being so hard on me?

BI: I’m not trying to be. I’m just trying to give you some insight as to what your second wife might have been thinking at the time. Many times men think that their ex is going to always do what’s in the child’s best interest, and she might even try to convince you that her actions are doing just that. However, many times it’s just that ex-wife’s need to control the situation for a number of different reasons that I won’t go into now (read some of my articles for more details). Often times it has nothing to directly do with the child at all. In your case, I have to wonder why you and your ex had no trouble raising your son in the beginning. You stated that you didn’t argue because she had her freedom and you had the child (most of the time), but all of a sudden (when your current wife comes into the picture) serious problems began.

RD: Well, we didn’t have to have a routine prior to my current wife coming into the picture. We basically played it by ear.

BI: What do you mean?

RD: For example, my ex could stop by at 10:30 at night to see our son if she wanted to. But, when my current wife entered she had a problem with that. She didn’t think it was appropriate.

BI: Did you think it was?

RD: I guess I was indifferent. I mean she always did things like that?

BI: So, did you drop by your ex’s in the middle of the night for visitation?

RD: No

BI: Why wasn’t there a set visitation schedule in place?

RD: We just never saw a need for one.

BI: You honestly didn’t see why your current wife would have a problem with these types of things? There was no order. Your ex-wife had no boundaries, while your current wife was just trying to maintain her family. She also had her own children and herself to consider.

RD: I didn’t see that then, but I do now. I made a lot of mistakes. And, had I known then what I know now, I would’ve done things much differently. Now, I wish I had heard, not just listened to my current wife. We wasted so much time fighting over something that should’ve been easy, but it just wasn’t.  I should’ve respected, trusted and protected my marriage from the very beginning.

BI: Is there anything that you want to say to your current wife now?

RD: I’m sorry. I’m sorry for making you feel like you had to choose between my son and yourself. I’m sorry I didn’t undertand where you were coming from in the very beginning of our relationship. But honestly, I don’t think I would’ve . I think this is something that we had to go through. And although it almost tore us apart, it made us stronger.

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Blended Family Co-Parenting Tips

May 30, 2008 By Leave a Comment

1. Sit down with your husband to discuss a list of house rules and consequences. Make sure you agree that the rules will apply to all children involved, whether they’re biological or step children.

2. Sit down with the children to make sure they understand these rules as well as the consequences.

3. Don’t try to get the ex-wife to agree with you. She should not be involved in determining the rules of your household.

4. Make sure you let your husband know how important it is that you have his support. If you agree on a set of house rules and consequences you BOTH need to present a unified front and follow through. If not, you are going to continually look like the bad guy.

5. Don’t take a backseat and allow your stepchildren to run your household by referring all matters to your husband. You are an adult and shouldn’t have to wait until your husband gets home to enforce consequences.

6. Realize that you cannot please everyone in the family so don’t ever try to take on that responsibility!

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Wives Wars

May 21, 2008 By 2 Comments

Ex-Wives

Let’s face it, in today’s day and age, there are more baby’s mamas and baby’s daddies than there are just plan old moms and dads. As a matter of fact, in the 21st Century, the blended family has become the most common family, the “normal” family. Many children live with a biological and a step-parent. Although, this family is increasingly common, many are still struggling to make it work. The question is why? If you ask most family counselors and psychologist, they will tell you it’s because the stepfamily will not and cannot function as a natural family; establish clear job descriptions; go slow; it takes time, blah, blah, blah.

all-of-us.jpg

For the past 7 years I have been an ex (I have a child with someone who is currently remarried) and a current wife (I am married to someone who has a child with someone else) and my experience totally challenges the traditional advice that you may have heard regarding the blended family. While there may be some truth to this traditional way of thinking, there is a deeper force that ultimately contributes to the success or the breakdown of the blended family…the wives. Their pride, egos and territorial mentality create an unhealthy environment for the entire blended family. If we can get the wives to behave like parents and adults (usually the men will follow suit), then we’re more than half way there.

First of all, let’s remember that when two people have been together for a number of years and share a child, there is an automatic history and with this history comes feelings. These feelings may be both positive and negative or just plain confusion. Even though he or she may know that it’s over (in some cases, has been over for a while), it may still hurt to initially see that person with someone else. This hurt can stem from at least three things: 1). You may still have more love for than you thought for that individual. 2). Closure, sometimes the end of a relationship is not a reality until you see your ex with someone else. 3). Change, it’s easier when neither of you have significant others, but as soon as they enter the picture, things change. As a result, many ex-wives react to their inability to sort out their own internal conflict and take it out on the current wife. For example, your fear of change may provoke you to become territorial. It’s that “I had him first and we did it this way before you came along” childlike mentality.

The first thing the ex-wife needs to realize is something that is very logical and that is, you must deal with your feelings regarding your past in a way that doesn’t affect those around you, especially your children. Second, you must realize that the change didn’t occur when your ex-husband remarried, the change occurred when you decided to get a divorce…QUIT BLAMING THE CURRENT WIFE. Things were changing before she came along! I am so sick and tired of the current wife being used as a scapegoat for the ex-wife’s issues. You cannot expect to operate as if you never divorced just because there are children involved and especially when he remarries, so stop diluting yourself. Change and compromise is necessary in the blended family. It isn’t fair for you to expect the current wife to embrace your way of thinking and doing things. Remember that she might have children as well and/or her own way of thinking. Just because she has chosen to marry a man with children and fully accepts his children and all the mayhem that comes with it, doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a mind of her own before deciding to do so. Therefore, ex-wives, you need to stop assuming, start trying to understand and respect where the current wife if coming from. If she is uncomfortable with your prior routine, please know that your ex-husband’s loyalty does not lay with you because you share a child. His only responsibility and loyalty is to his current wife and his children. So, he has to find a solution to work for them, not you.

Be honest with yourself and stop shouting “my only concern is my kids” if you really don’t mean it. You can’t really believe that your children benefit from creating tension and being difficult. Ask yourself this question; how are my actions affecting my children? If they are negatively affecting them and you continue with that behavior, you can’t possibly believe that you are acting in their best interest. Remember, they are already scared and confused enough as it is, and only a bad parent intentionally adds to that confusion.

Finally, ex-wives, it’s time to look within and stop posting blame on everyone but you. I know that the blended family is hard for everyone involved, not just you and your children. Instead of being part of the problem, start being part of the solution.

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Certifiable!

May 21, 2008 By Leave a Comment

I am married to an absolutely wonderful man who I have known since high school. We reconnected about 7 years ago and have been together ever since.  He will claim that he wasn’t trying to get with me the day we reconnected at Original Pancake House, but I know different.  He said that he was just interested in a friendship because our sons were the same age…umm humm, okay, whatever…LOL!

As I continue, keep in mind that I love my husband! I truly believe that he is a gift that was made for me. Having said that, if I knew then what I know now, I think I would have elected to not accept the gift! Let me explain.  I didn’t know at the time that his ex-wife and mother of his child was/is completely crazy…certifiable! From the moment she found out that my husband had a girlfriend she had a problem, and tried to mark her territory. She did things like call him in the middle of the night (11:30) to ask a question about history. On another late night (11:00) she had her best friend call to ask my husband which jump rope he would recommend for working out. Now, my husband is neither a history professor nor a personal trainer, and I am sure there were plenty of other people that they could’ve called. On another occasion she called to ask my husband to help her best friend move. Keep in mind that she has and has had a boyfriend ever since I’ve been in the picture. Why wouldn’t she call him for these things instead of her ex-husband? In the beginning, she never called for anything pertaining to the child…go figure.

At any rate, as the years have gone by things have gotten progressively worse. She eventually started using the “you can’t see your child” method when her other tactics failed. This brings me to my tips on how to confirm whether or not the baby mama in your life is crazy.

  1. She’ll first use the we’re still friends method. This means that she’ll call him for stupid stuff like late night history questions.
  2. She’ll then use the damsel in distress method. It’s the I’m the mother of your child, and I need you even though her needs have absolutely nothing to do with the child.
  3. Next, when she’s exhausted the other options, she’ll use the infamous you can’t see your child method.
  4. When that doesn’t work, she’ll use the “I want you to be in your child’s life, but just not around her…” method. All of a sudden, the one who cares for your child when he’s in our home is not fit to do so. Like I said, certifiable, bipolar even.

Those are all signs of irrational behavior, and if you catch them in the beginning, you need to re-evaluate whether or not you can deal with that type of blended family. Trust me, when the ex-wife/baby mama is crazy it doesn’t get better, only worse! Even if your marriage is completely solid, it will still create stress within your household. I know it did and often does in mine, and I’m still in love with my husband after 7 years. But, you have to keep in mind that if your man is a good father, he will obviously be affected if the ex is keeping his child away from him, and for senseless reasons. That, in and of itself, will create a certain amount of stress in your household. Not only that, but when you are arguing with someone all of the damn time, that creates stress as well. Having said that, it is possible to maintain a healthy marriage despite the crazy ex’s attempts to wreak havoc on it.

I could go on about my husband’s crazy ex-wife, but I’l save it for another entry. Until then, remember that love, trust, loyalty and communication are the most important ingredients in any marriage, but especially within the blended family. As long as you know that the vows that you took/take with your second marriage should be no different than the first, your marriage has a chance at survival.

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