Living Well is the Best Revenge!

Let’s be honest, after divorce, for men and women alike, it’s extremely difficult not to become bitter.  I know, I myself, after my divorce was extremely bitter.  Bitter toward an ex-husband whom I felt didnt’ deserve to be happy.  Bitter toward myself as well and expected that I wouldn’t be happy again.  However, when life hands you lemons….make lemonade.  We can’t control the cards we are dealt.  We just have to live with them, move past them and get to a better place in our lives where we can continue to be productive parents, individuals and yes, even happy.

It has been my experience through listening to clients, co-workers and friends tell their stories, a lot of people, instead of doing their best to move past their pain of their former lives, insist upon holding on to grudges and dwelling on how they will make their ex-spouse pay for their pain. 

Moreover, when we are going through these types of struggles, we don’t realize that just by living well, moving on and living our best lives, we are getting the ultimate “revenge” in the form of true happiness.  When someone tries to steal your joy, you yourself will get more out of your life if you choose to do your best to keep on keepin on by living well.  Let me reiterate, living well is the best revenge.   Do not settle for less.  By holding unnecessary grudges, you are doing yourself and your children a disservice. 

Keep your heads up ladies and gentlemen.   Divorce, separation, remarriage parenting and co-parenting can be tough and we don’t always see eye to eye as parents, step-parents and co-parents and sometimes we create more problems by not being able to let go of the past as we have experienced it.  However, if we lift our heads out of the clouds, do our best to move on and live well all at the same time, we don’t have to be bogged down with the stress and pressure of feeling revengeful and holding grudges. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

In any relationship, whether it be romantically involved (i.e., spousal or significant other, everyday friendships, sibling and often times even parental), conflict is inevitable.  What we don’t realize is that it is not the conflict in itself that is the problem, but rather simply, how we  decide to handle the conflict that either tears us apart or brings us closer together.

Research has shown that hanging on to ambivalent relationships (romantic or otherwise) in our lives where they are supportive and positive one minute and non-supportive/negative the next causes us more stress than a regular old negative relationship.  We bounce back and forth in these relationships never really knowing where we stand with the other person.  Research has also shown that this is also extremely physically unhealthy.

What does an ambivalent relationship or friendship look like one might ask?  For example, in some remarriages/stepfamilies, couples experience what I call the “weakest link” syndrome due to the stresses and strains such as conflict with an ex-spouse or stepchild, emotional/physical neglect and/or abuse and often times finances.  The stress level gets so high at times that one person feels as if they are constantly walking on eggshells.

The fact of the matter is that the world we live in today is full of unhealthy relationships.  We see them on on television, we hear about them on the news and bopp our heads to the tunes our music provides us about painful break-ups and conflict.  We also experience it first hand in our relationships with our friends and family.  Another example of a toxic relationship  can be that of an adult child that has grown up with a neglectful parent.  Whether that parent was neglectful due to the disease of physical abuse, drugs/alcohol or just simply walked away, there comes a time that we have to decide to accept these relationships for what they are not for what we imagine they can be.  We have to embrace the conflict we feel inside in order to accept that we can and need to let go of these relationships, especially when the outcome leads to our own positive well-being and health for that matter.

Another example of conflict and unhealthy relationships is that of ex-spouses that have not moved past the pain (a lot of the times due to not having closure, i.e., one spouse walked away suddenly, etc.) that they experienced during their previous relationship or their troubled marriage.  They want to disconnect, but hang on to emotions.  This is extremely harmful not just to the one behaving this way, but if the non-participating ex-spouse is remarried, it turns into major conflict for the remarriage, hence the “weakest link” syndrome kicks in.

Deciding to let go of  or exit an unhealthy relationship is hard.  In the alternative, a lot of people decide to just stay “stuck.”  In my opinion and through my experience, I have learned that what you need and want to accomplish in this one life that we get,  is much too short and precious to waste on people who do not feel or want the same things that you do.  Sometimes, those people are our friends, parents, spouses and siblings and when we need to let go of an unhealthy relationship, there is going to be pain.  However, it is wise and empowering to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and allow yourself to take inventory of the roles people have played in your life.  Obviously, I am not promoting cutting good people out of your life, but simply eliminating the stress and by doing so, sometimes we have to eliminate the folks that cause that stress.  Can people change?  Of course.   Can relationships that may be defunct at this moment end up flourishing? Absolutely.  I am a big proponent of change.  Two people, whether they are spouses, friends or family members, do not have to always agree  and obviously will not always share the same values, desires and goals in life, but if the stress from one of these relationships becomes detrimental to your happiness, being able to focus and becoming aware of your own goals and desires may require ending that stressful relationship.  Here are a few examples of questions you might ask yourself and thoughts you might consider:

• Acknowledge your own mistakes in the relationship.
• Does this person’s influence or feelings flip/flop back and forth from positive to negative at a moment’s notice continually and does it stress you out?
• Do you feel as if you walk on eggshells around this person?
• Are you being physically or emotionally abused?
• Are you being financially stifled to the point that you are afraid to speak up?
• Are you stuck in a dead-end relationship?
• Are you always available for your friends but they are never available for you?
• Does your parent make you feel guilty for their past parental actions or non-actions?
• Do you feel you need to re-evaluate the direction your relationship is taking?

When we set clear intentions in our relationships, we clear the path for our own progress and true happiness.  In learning this, we are putting a voice to the emotional part of inner-beings and again, accomplishing true happiness.

Peace &  Blessings,
Di

Stepmom Standards

I was watching Dr. Phil the other day. Comedian, actor and author, Steve Harvey was on talking about his book Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. Steve Harvey’s wife also appeared on the show and Steve told the story of when he knew that she was the woman for him. Apparently Mr. Harvey had been a player and one time when he and Mrs. Harvey (she was his girlfriend at the time), were on an overnight date, Steve’s phone rang in the middle of the night. It was another woman and he actually took the call. Mrs. Harvey said that she calmly got up and started packing her things. Steve asked her what she was doing and she replied, “I’m going home. You can be a player if you want to, but I’m not going to have any part of it. You will treat me with respect.” Steve told Dr. Phil that it was at that moment that he knew that she was the woman for him because she had standards and expectations and she made them perfectly clear.

There is a chapter in Harvey’s book on setting standards. “Here’s what’s happened over the years. Women’s standards and requirements have lowered. And as men, we know that. We have taken advantage of it. We’ve created terms that we feed to women that allow us to exist as we do. We created the term nagging. There’s really no such thing as nagging. As soon as a woman starts registering her complaint, we call it nagging. We let you know it will drive us away,” said Harvey. “So many standards have been lowered by women that now a man doesn’t have to climb over a very high bar to get to her. So now you have more men who can get away with more things with more women without any repercussions, ” he explained.

I am going to have to agree with Mr. Harvey. Many times women lower their expectations for how they should be treated based on what other people will think of them and this holds true for the stepmother as well. The stepmom or future stepmom might believe that she can’t require her husband or future husband to treat her a certain way because he has kids with another woman. She might feel like she can’t demand respect in her home because then she will be seen as the evil stepmother. She might feel as if she can’t expect her husband to make their marriage a priority because she will be seen as the woman taking him away from his kids. There are many other situations and reasons why a stepmom or future stepmom might not want to make her expectations perfectly clear, but I caution them not to lower their standards and expectations. Like Steve said, when women lower their standards, a man doesn’t have to work very hard to get to her and he is able to get away with more things. He’s able to use the “it’s for my kids” or “but she’s the mother of my children” excuse for mistreating you. It’s okay to put your foot down and demand to be treated as you would if he had never been married and didn’t have kids. This doesn’t mean that he is disowning his children or disrespecting the mother of his children just because he treats his wife or future wife the way she should be treated.

That being said, setting standards is different from delivering ultimatums and/or whining. When Steve Harvey’s wife left that night, she didn’t say you have to stop or I’m going to leave. She told him that he can be a player if he wants to, but she wasn’t going to have any part of it.  Stepmoms need to apply the same method to their respective situations. Realize that you can’t force someone to behave the way you want them to and after talking or arguing about your feelings for so long without change, then it’s time for YOU to take the situation into your own hands. Often times, when people are confronted with conflict we give our power to the person we’re in conflict with. We do this by continually whining about a situation that we’ve expressed our feelings about, over and over again, and still expecting the other person to take action. What we must realize and accept is that sometimes that other person just isn’t going to take action and we must be prepared to take that next step either way. Stepmoms need to start setting standards early (before you take the trip down the aisle). If there are things that you know you won’t tolerate, make it perfectly clear early on and be prepared to act on it so he knows what your expectations are.  Let him know that he can continue the behavior, but he can do it without you.  Let him know that you won’t tolerate rude and invasive exes or disrespectful children, from the very beginning. Tell him that you understand how everyone must feel, but you will accept no excuses for being mistreated in any way. Outline your standards and make your expectations of him perfectly clear. Make him work for you because you are worth it.

My Other Dad

In a recent Good News article, I announced that our blended family was growing. Both my son’s stepmother and I had babies 4 months apart. We have always supported each other in a healthy way,  encouraged sibling relationships and given our children the freedom to love. I’ve never told my son how to refer to his step-parents or what to call them. I’ve just always emphasized that we all love him and that he’s lucky to have two sets of parents who want the best for him. When talking to my son, I have never used the adjective “step” to describe any of his parents. I wanted him to create his own titles based on the relationships he formed with each of us. As a result, he refers to his parents as “my other dad” or “my other mom.” It’s amazing what effect our supportive and encouraging attitudes have had on my son’s younger brother (the child that my ex and his wife share).

For example, because babies equal sleepless nights and my son’s stepmother is here by herself until my ex returns from overseas, we support each other by carpooling. Both boys attend the same school (the school is K-8th grade), so my husband takes the boys to school in the morning and stepmom picks them up. This past week, on their way to school, the boys were discussing wrestling with my husband. Well, my husband was extremely tickled when my son’s brother said, “My other dad knows a lot about the old wrestlers.” Keep in mind that he doesn’t have a step-parent! Because we have given our children the freedom to just love, they are accepting of us all. He feels that since his brother has two sets of parents and these people accept me as well, they must be my parents, too.

Here’s the revelation: Children desire connection, a sense of belonging and to be loved. Whether they desire to be part of a family, a team or a clique at school, they want to belong. They are much more accepting than what we give them credit for. It is the parents that dump their toxic behavior, views and bitterness on them and influence their decisions and free will to love. If we look at the bigger picture and realize that these kids will be left with each other and not our bitterness, once we are gone, it should be easier to not impose our issues on to them. Now, this doesn’t mean that you’ll never have any issues as co-parents (that’s unrealistic). It just means that you should leave all children out of them, and not allow those issues to prevent you from supporting their relationships with all involved parents and siblings. Co-parents, please support and encourage your child’s relationships within his stepfamily. Trust me when I say that the long-term benefit will far out weigh your short-term satisfaction.