Brandi Glanville Speaks Out About Affair on “The Talk”

I’ve done a couple of stories on the whole Glanville vs. Rimes saga the past couple of months because I have been following this story for quite some time now. Today, Brandi Glanville, actor Eddie Cibrian’s former wife, finally broke her silence about his affair with country singer, Leann Rimes that ultimately broke up her marriage. Glanville appeared on new hit talk show, The Talk, to finally talk about the affair and divorce. She addressed the co-parenting tension between her ex-husband and his girlfriend, her recent arrest for drunk driving and making things better for her children.

Glanville expressed that the affair was a complete surprise to her because she thought they were happy. She said that they had normal marital issues during their 8 year marriage but nothing that she thought would end it. For a while she questioned whether or not it was her. She wondered if she was pretty enough, skinny enough. blonde enough. She went blonder, got botox and did what she felt she needed to do to feel adequate; only it didn’t help. After a year or so, she finally realized that it wasn’t that she wasn’t good enough, but Leann was just different. Not necessarily better, but different.

When Sharon Osbourne questioned whether or not Brandi had a drinking problem due to her recent DUI arrest, Brandi was adamant about not having a drinking problem. She admitted that she does drink when she’s feeling upset or lonely, but says that her mistake was driving that day. She went on to say that it is difficult for her to only have her children part-time, especially when she’s used to having them full-time. She said that it’s chaotic when they’re with her, but way too quiet when they are gone. Glanville admitted to getting lonely and not really knowing how to deal with it.  She also said that it doesn’t help that she doesn’t have her ex-husband’s house number to  get in touch with her children when they are with her.

In spite of everything that’s happened, however, Brandi said that her ultimate desire is to make peace with Leann Rimes for the sake of her children. She said that she reached out to her on Twitter to request that they sit down and discuss things, and Rimes has agreed to do so. Sharon Osbourne said that Leann contacted her to get her advice because Osbourne was the other woman at one point, and Osbourne encouraged her to meet with Glanville.

My Commentary on the Issue: Brandi Glanville seems like an absolute sweetheart and it is clear that Eddie just wanted something different because she is an attractive woman. I’m glad that she has stopped blaming herself and is trying to figure out the best way to handle this unfortunate situation for her kids.  Although I suspect that Brandi’s reactions to the affair and divorce have given her ex-husband “reason” to prohibit her from having his home number (let’s face it, not many would do that for no reason at all), I think he could have been a bit more sensitive and handled the situation better.  I don’t blame Glanville one bit for losing it at some point, after she heard about the affair and for having to deal with Leann. My gosh, she’s human. Her husband cheated on her and now she has to try to co-parent with him and his mistress. I’d be pissed and “wilding out,” too! Cibrian could be a bit more understanding and patient; realizing that HE brought this on because he didn’t handle the dissolution of his marriage properly. He should have told Glanville that he might be falling for Rimes BEFORE he started sleeping with her. I can’t stand it when a guy cheats but tries to make everybody think that the person he cheated on is crazy. She’s not crazy; she’s just mad and rightfully so.

That being said, I’m still confused as to why resolving the situation is all up to Brandi and Leann. Huh? Everybody’s advice to Glanville and Rimes is that they should sit down to figure out where they go from here and how to make the best of the situation for the kids’ sake. Isn’t it mom and dad’s responsibility to do that? I’m not faulting Rimes for the affair. All she did was fall in love with the wrong person and that happens sometimes. People keep saying, “but she knew he was married.” News flash…he knew he was married, too but that didn’t stop him! I don’t care if Rimes walked on set butt naked with an open invitation. As a married man, the one who took the vows with his wife, it was Eddie’s responsibility to decline the invitation. Both Eddie and Leann, however, need to be patient and understanding with Glanville. Instead of blocking her from calling the home phone, let her know that they are sorry that she’s hurting but want the best for the kids. I think it’s nice of Leann to accept Brandi’s invitation to talk and they probably should eventually. But, the first “sit down” needs to be between Eddie and Brandi. He needs to let her know that he was wrong for handling things the wrong way and he’s sorry for hurting her. Sometimes a woman just needs to hear those words to begin the healing process and make it easier for everyone to move on.

So let’s assign some of the blame and responsibility to its rightful owner. I am so sick of everyone talking about what Leann and Brandi should be doing to make things better. Why aren’t we talking about what Eddie should be doing to make things better for his kids? My advice would be for Eddie to contact Brandi first, so that they can discuss how to move forward as co-parents.

I wish them luck and I hope they work this out for the children.

The Only Child

Thirteen years ago I had a beautiful baby boy! His father and I were overjoyed. He was perfect; so perfect that I decided that I didn’t want or need anymore children. I was perfectly fine with him being my only child. I had a rough pregnancy and his father worked out of the country for most of the year. Children, if you are a full-time parent, require 100% of your time and one was all I could take. Even when the relationship with his dad didn’t work out, I still vowed that my son would be the only child. People would always say things like, “Won’t you want one with your husband when you get married?” Or, they would wonder what would happen to my son when his parents died. Who would be his support system? Who would he visit during the holidays, etc.?  I have to admit that those last questions got to me. The one future thing I was definitely worried about was him being alone! I wanted him to have brothers and sisters, but I just didn’t want to be the one to have them. 

When his dad got married and was expecting a child soon after, I was happy for my son. Finally, after 5 years of being an only child, he would be a big brother. It took some time for him to get used to the idea, but 8 years later, they both adore each other. I could finally have some peace with this now because I knew that my son and his brother would always be there for each other; I would make sure of it by supporting and encouraging their relationship whole heartedly. There’s nothing like a bond between brothers and I was so happy that my son would finally experience it.

It turns out that my son’s younger brother wouldn’t be the only addition to the family. Last year, his stepmother informed us that she was expecting a baby girl and gave birth to her in November. My son was elated! It’s so cute to see how he speaks of his only sister. Already, he is so protective and talks about the things he is going to do with her when he starts driving. This little girl is definitely going to get the blues from her two older brothers when she gets older. LOL!

And we’re still not done folks because last September, after vowing to never have another, not trying to and being told by doctors that I probably wouldn’t get pregnant again, my husband and I were surprised to hear that we too were expecting. I gave birth to my son’s youngest sibling, a beautiful baby boy, in March of this year. The six months of bedrest, including hospital bedrest, constant vomitting and fatigue, was all worth the daily opportunity that I get to see my two boys interact. My oldest is so gentle, loving and caring with his baby brother, and my baby boy absolutely adores his older brother. His face lights up every time he walks in the room or hears his voice. It is the cutest thing.

Today, I am no longer worried about either one of my sons when their parents leave this Earth because I know that they will always have each other. Not only that, they will also have my oldest son’s brother and sister. My son often talks about the things that all of them will do together in the future. He loves being an older brother. It’s the reason why I encourage and support sibling relationships in the stepfamily. A wonderful aunt, close cousin or a bestfriend cannot compare to a relationship that, if nurtured and supported, you can have with your sibling.  And so, my oldest son went from being the only child to the oldest of 4, and I couldn’t be happier – for him.

How important is it for you to support and encourage the sibling relationships in your stepfamily?

From the Frying Pan to the Fryer!

There is no way around it.  The divorce rate for remarriages is 60 percent, compared to 50 percent for first marriages.  The majority of which fall apart within two or three years of the wedding, leaving an estimated half-million children to cope with yet another split-up.  Those statistics simply take my breath away.  Even with these stunning statistics people still seem to think that building a stepfamily is just as easy, or should be anyway, as building a nuclear family.

Unfortunately, in new stepfamilies, many folks are in denial about the fact that stepfamilies just don’t and can’t work like a nuclear family.  When problems arise, they decide to ignore them and go on as if those issues don’t exist; doing their best to avoid potential pitfalls that they feel will put strain on their remarriages.  Why is this?  Let’s face it, most couples remarry before they are emotionally ready.  Some do it out of what I call the “rebound effect,” and others simply don’t want to be alone after divorce.  Instead of giving themselves an ample amount of time after their divorce to heal mentally, physically (because divorce can take a physical toll) and emotionally, they choose to jump right from the frying pan and into the fire!

One saying that I love to refer to with my clients when we are discussing stepfamily issues they are and/or have been experiencing is this…”the best time to work out issues that you are experiencing is BEFORE you say I DO, not AFTER.”  I say this because most issues within a stepfamily don’t just magically decide to present themselves after the wedding ceremony.  More than likely, they are present before, during and after the couple says “I Do.”

Each spouse coming into a remarriage, and the children as well, are going to have different perspectives on how their roles should be perceived and how they should work going into it.  As such, each individual is also going to have their own separate expectations as well.  All of which can collide and cause chaos within the unit if not properly discussed and resolved ahead of time.  Granted, you aren’t going to discuss every potential family issue that may arise but the obvious issues can be discussed and quite frankly should be.  For example:  discipline, structure, rules, respect, etc.  Pre-marital counseling or coaching with an experienced stepfamily coach also can help a great deal in understanding the different dynamics that go into a stepfamily and also allows you to prepare yourself with the necessary skill set that it takes to have a satisfying stepfamily experience.

Remember, remarriages can be great marriages.  However, with all of the complexities involved it can become hard to avoid the pitfalls that couples experience due to the stress of forging new relationships within the unit (i.e., stepchildren, ex-spouses, etc.).  It actually can become overwhelming because we, as humans, tend to not learn from our prior mistakes and we repeat them.  If we choose to first heal from the past, examine and unpack our “baggage” and take the lessons that we learned from our prior marriage and turn them into stepping stones for a new, healthy and meaningful relationship, we can then no longer worry about jumping from the frying pan to the fryer!

Lastly readers, it is a proven statistic that in remarriages that it sometimes takes more than 7 years for a stepfamily to really meld together.  So, your real honeymoon period may not start for a long time.  It is very hard to balance the needs and feelings of everyone at the same time, but I promise you, when you get to that honeymoon period, it will be well worth the wait!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Are You an Anger Junkie?

I was watching the MoNique Show the other night; one of the rare occasions when I’m actually awake (it comes on at 11pm) and happened to catch it. In her opening comedic monologue she talked about being an “Anger Junkie.” Now of course she put her comedic spin on the term and had me cracking up, but as I pondered on the term I realized that there was a lot of truth to her jokes. 

We all get angry of course and I think getting angry can sometimes be beneficial. If you supress your feelings for too long and then release the anger, your anger explodes in a way that leaves you with the feeling of regret. Simply put, bottled up anger affects your judgement.  Acknowleding your anger and dealing with it before you explode increases your chances for controlled anger. The bottled up anger turns into habitual anger (you’re just mad all the time – sometimes without jusitification) and this is what leads to becoming an anger junkie.

Often times when we talk to a remarried couple, husband will say something like, “She’s just mad all the time and I don’t know why,” or “She just nags me and the kids all the time.” I say to myself – yep, she’s an anger junkie. Because stepmoms are taught to keep it bottled in due to the  fear of being labeled as wicked, that anger seeps out over a period of time in different forms (habitual anger).

According to Dr. Steven Stosny, a therapist who treats people for anger and relationship problems, problem anger is habitual — habits run on automatic pilot, processed in the brain much faster than conscious awareness. You are never aware of most of your resentment or anger; by the time you know you’re resentful or angry, it’s already in an advanced state. He further explains how  the jolt of energy you get at any level of anger works like an amphetamine or “speed.” Anger junkies use this jolt of energy frequently in response to an emotional need. For example, they only feel confident when they’re angry, or anger is a response to their anxiety or they use it to enforce a sense of entitlement. These anger junkies who act like bullies. They are hurt so they go overboard to make sure you hurt as well. They feel less confident about themselves, so they put you down to feel more confident. They get upset because you disagree with their opinions and as a result, “making you pay” consumes them.

Is there treatment for ange junkies? Dr. Stosny says that effective treatment for problem anger cannot merely reduce the emotional feelings or arousal of anger; it must restore a state of self-value that is more stable than whatever lowered it, which will replace the habit of blaming with a motivation to improve. And it has to do it fast.

Are you an anger junkie? Take the anger junkie test below to find out.

I use anger or resentment: 

• For energy or motivation (can’t get going or keep going without some degree of anger)
•  For pain-relief (it hurts when not angry) 
• For confidence (only feel cer­tain when angry)
• To ease anxiety  
• To avoid depression 
• To enforce a sense of entitlement   
• To punish or inhibit honest disagreement with opinions 
• More than once a day, and when you expe­ri­ence anger, it lasts for more than a few minutes 

Interview with Rockstar Co-Parent, Jenn Mangino

I enjoyed my virtual chat with Jenn Mangino, founder of www.rockstarcoparenting.com. As an ex and a wife, a mom and a stepmom, I always look forward to hearing and sharing both perspectives. Take a look at our conversation as we chat about divorce, Jenn’s theory on the intrusive ex-wife and what she does during her “Jenn” time. Thanks for the chat, Jenn!

Kela: Explain the term rockstar co-parenting? 

 Jenn: It’s the universally accepted divorce principle. Get divorced, screw up the kids. But studies have shown it’s not so much the divorce that affects kids, but the handling of said divorce. If having an intact first family is equivalent to winning first place, than having two active divorced parents working peacefully together like business partners post-divorce is second best. Rockstar Co-parenting is dedicated to helping parents and children of divorce find second place. I created the site to help other parents (but mostly myself) learn to do this divorce thing the “right” way…like grown-ups.

It’s easier said than done. Making decisions, navigating complicated schedules and social situations, and creating two harmonious households with a partner for whom you have mutual anger and trust issues can feel super human. Divorced parents who choose to co-parent peacefully often discover they have unknown, hidden reservoirs of strength. Super powers. Resilience, Openness, Compassion, Kinetic energy, Sprezzatura, Transparency, Assertiveness and Restraint (yes, it’s an acronym) are the super powers I see inspirational co-parents successfully drawing on every day to create new, better lives post-divorce for their children. They are not just co-parenting. They are Rockstar Co-parenting. 

Kela: Your daughter was very young when you divorced. Did you ever worry about her losing that bond that she developed with either you or your ex-husband during the transition of the divorce? 

Jenn: Yes. Constantly. I knew the divorce was right for me, I knew it was right for my Ex, but how could it possibly be right for my daughter? I looked in her blue eyes and vowed to do everything in my power to create a divorce situation that would have minimal impact on her life. That meant-to me- that she deserved to have easy access to both her parents. I believe in her right to her own relationships. 

It wasn’t easy, I had to give up things that I wanted for myself. I had to give up my clean slate and fresh start, because, honestly, there is no fresh start after divorce when there are children involved.  Every subsequent decision I made from that moment on was with this goal in mind.

So far, we’re doing okay. (Cross your fingers). 

Kela: How did you take time to heal and grieve post-divorce?

Jenn: Honestly time? Did I take time to heal and grieve post-divorce? Yes. (A smidge).  Was it as long as the “experts” say you should take (I was told five years. Five years, people.)? Not even close. 

As the primary initiator of my divorce, I think my grief cycle started long before the actual divorce process started. By the time we filed the paperwork, I just felt used up. I had been angry and sad during my marriage, and following the separation, I just felt numb. Which I mistook for feeling fine. Ready to move on, even. Months later, when the tears finally hit me I realized how not fine I was. By then, I had entered into a new relationship, with an old love. (Kids, don’t try this one at home!) Do the experts discourage dating so soon after a divorce? Yeah. Do I discourage it? Probably. The truth is, he is the love of my life and the one who got away, and it did manage to work out for us, as we are getting married this winter. But. It was rough, to say the least. The problem was I had not taken the time to heal completely before we plunged like moths right back into the flame. And it burned us.

 It was a bumpy, windy, narrow road for a while, mostly brought on by my sense of guilt and failure. The lesson here, I think, is to take time to be alone for a while (maybe not five years, though) and resolve your feelings before dating again. It’s hard, and very few people can resist the lure of new love, but had I taken some time for myself, the healing wouldn’t have taken so long. 

 That said, what did I find most helpful during the healing process? Books, books, the internet, books, therapy, books, a brief stint in a support group, and talking the ears off good friends. Oh, and books. (Um, I like to read). I think it’s important to try a little bit of everything…you will find little bits of wisdom in lots of different sources and it will all come together to give you a new knowledge of yourself, and the world, until suddenly you are ready to like your life (and yourself) again. 

Kela: I know it’s hard not to worry about our babies when they are away from us, especially when they are very young. But I do feel it’s important for ex-wives to utilize that time to reclaim their lives. What do you do during, what I like to call, your “Jenn” time?

 Jenn: I read. I dream. I imagine what I will be when I grow up and find my niche in the world. But, mostly, I write. Writing gave me back my zest for living, my passion for my own life. It’s the one thing I do just for me. Well, that, and pretending I am a rock star belting out ballads in the shower every morning.

Kela: How important is it to you that your daughter develop some sort of relationship with her stepmother? How do you encourage and support that relationship?

Jenn: Extremely important. My Ex and I had worked out a 50-50 parenting schedule before he remarried. When his new wife came on the scene, she jumped right in to being the “mommy” figure in my daughter’s life 50% of the time. It was very hard for me to continue sharing that time with them. The divorce and the 50-50 parenting schedule for him, well that’s only fair and hey, you make your bed and you lie in it. But, sharing the mothering of your child with another woman for no reason at all other than she married my Ex? It’s a bitter pill to swallow…because I would rather be her mother 100% of the time.

 But, how much more bitter would that pill be if she were a terrible stepmom, and made my daughter’s life miserable? Or even my life? The truth is she’s a great stepmom, always friendly, and very free with information. I think she loves my daughter, and certainly, she is a good friend to her. Really, how much more could I ask for? 

I try to support their relationship by never speaking ill of the other household in earshot of my daughter, encouraging (even admonishing her) to be respectful to all the adults in her life, assuring her that she is loved by everyone, going out of my way to be friendly and chat with her at school events, asking her opinion about issues that affect my daughter, and inviting her to share Mother’s day with us. 

Kela: According to Mavis Hetherington, most ex-wives are more intrusive and more involved in their ex-spouse’s household than ex-husbands are. Additionally, they remain bitter and resentful for much longer. Why do you think this is so? 

Jenn: It’s a hard question for me to answer, because I really don’t think I am intrusive (and I can really only go on my experience). But, if I was intrusive it wouldn’t be because of unresolved relationship issues between my Ex and I. It wouldn’t be because I felt displaced, or replaced or still wanted him for whatever reason (although maybe this is the case for some women). It would be because I am a mother, and as such I am utterly and fiercely protective of my daughter. I am a lioness. We have these children and we are charged with their very survival. We look at them when they are placed in our arms for the first time and we absolutely promise them the world.

Then, divorce happens and we are expected to give up control over everything that happens to them during someone else’s parenting time.  If there is a stepparent involved, then we are asked to trust someone we don’t even know with our most precious gift, our children. Often times, there are issues with communication between the adults, so we are not even given the balm of knowledge to ease our fear, and our utter lack of control. It’s scary, it’s unsettling, it’s unnerving, and it’s frustrating.

With these conditions, I don’t think it’s surprising that there is resentment. Why don’t the Ex-husbands mettle more in household affairs? I don’t know. Maybe because women are predisposed for nurture and daily care, so that is their turf. Men are predisposed for hunting and bringing home the bacon…so of course issues involving day-to-day care probably don’t affect them on that same emotional level.

Kela: Can you offer some advice for those types of ex-wives?

Jenn: Choose your battles. Always, always, always take time to think over your actions and reactions. Ask yourself, “Is this particular issue vital. Will it fundamentally affect my child?” If the answer is no, let it go.  If the answer is yes, that’s when you take action. Don’t be like the little boy who cried “Wolf!” and get worked up over every little perceived infraction or slight. It’s pointless.  And always remember, you can only control you. 

Kela: What advice do you have for other divorced parents who aim to be rockstar co-parents?

 Jenn: Love your children. Want what’s best for them. Then, go out and get them that best. It’s as simple, and as complicated, as that.

Living Well is the Best Revenge!

Let’s be honest, after divorce, for men and women alike, it’s extremely difficult not to become bitter.  I know, I myself, after my divorce was extremely bitter.  Bitter toward an ex-husband whom I felt didnt’ deserve to be happy.  Bitter toward myself as well and expected that I wouldn’t be happy again.  However, when life hands you lemons….make lemonade.  We can’t control the cards we are dealt.  We just have to live with them, move past them and get to a better place in our lives where we can continue to be productive parents, individuals and yes, even happy.

It has been my experience through listening to clients, co-workers and friends tell their stories, a lot of people, instead of doing their best to move past their pain of their former lives, insist upon holding on to grudges and dwelling on how they will make their ex-spouse pay for their pain. 

Moreover, when we are going through these types of struggles, we don’t realize that just by living well, moving on and living our best lives, we are getting the ultimate “revenge” in the form of true happiness.  When someone tries to steal your joy, you yourself will get more out of your life if you choose to do your best to keep on keepin on by living well.  Let me reiterate, living well is the best revenge.   Do not settle for less.  By holding unnecessary grudges, you are doing yourself and your children a disservice. 

Keep your heads up ladies and gentlemen.   Divorce, separation, remarriage parenting and co-parenting can be tough and we don’t always see eye to eye as parents, step-parents and co-parents and sometimes we create more problems by not being able to let go of the past as we have experienced it.  However, if we lift our heads out of the clouds, do our best to move on and live well all at the same time, we don’t have to be bogged down with the stress and pressure of feeling revengeful and holding grudges. 

Peace & Blessings,
Di

There is No Magic Formula Stepmoms

I’ve had the pleasure of talking to many many stepmoms over the years and what I realized is that most of them desired some magic formula for acceptance; either that, or they were confusing the definition of the word altogether. Most wanted to know that if they love and support their husband and be the best stepmom they can be to their stepkids, then they will be truly loved and accepted by their stepchildren. Their constant need to be accepted loved by everyone consumes them to the point that they forget that they must focus on other components of their overall family in order to be a successful stepfamily and yes, you can be considered a successful stepfamily even if the stepkids don’t like you.

What stepmoms must realize is that it will take much more than just being like Carol Brady to get the stepchildren to like you. Often times, your actions aren’t even the deciding factor at all. What has to happen first is mom/ex-wife has to free her children to love. She has to let go of any hurt or apprehension regarding her ex-spouse’s remarriage and having another maternal figure in her children’s lives. She has to be free from allowing her negative emotions to influence her children’s decision to accept you. No matter how subtly, she cannot imply that she will feel betrayed if her children actually like dad’s wife. She has to stop perceiving you as some sort of threat before any of this can happen. So as you can see, it really doesn’t matter how loving, caring, kind or compassionate you are as an ex-wife/mom’s negative feelings has much less to do with you and more about her own internal struggle.

Next, what has to happen is that dad has to be free of guilt parenting and committed to the both of you putting forth that unified front for his kids.  Doing so, will show his kids that the evil villian (you) did not make dad her puppeter, but instead, he is actually committed to being her parnter. This will send the message to the kids that there is no point in trying to break up the union, so you might as well get on board and do your part to make the stepfamily work. When children realize that their divide and conquer strategies won’t work, they usually concede. This doesn’t necessarily mean that they will like you, however, but they will respect you.

This doesn’t mean, however, that you should completely give up. It just means that you have to change your perspective regarding what makes a successful stepfamily and how you go about achieving that. Most stepmothers think that you have achieved success when the kids are finally in love with you and this is simply not the case. Very rarely does a stepfamily operate like a first family, so if you have this goal in mind from the start, you are doomed to fail. Instead of forcing your way through the children, continuously work on your marriage. What I’ve discovered is that a stepfamily can be stable if the ex-wife/mom or even the kids don’t like you, but your stepfamily will fail if you and your spouse aren’t in sync.  A more realistic goal is to work in an area where you already are accepted and that’s with your spouse. Constantly work on communication and dating your spouse; things that first marriages even have to work on. Build a union that is based on common goals, trust and mutual understanding and then present this model to your stepchildren, through example.  Develop a co-parenting plan that consist of house rules and consequences that you both agree upon and present this to your children, as a unified front. Doing the aforementioned will allow you to build a stepfamily based on respect, which will increase  your chances of eventually building trust as a family, instead of feeling like you have to bear the task alone.

It’s all about changing your focus, stepmoms; realizing that your stepkids don’t have to like you, but they have to respect you in order to make your stepfamily work. Kids need order and consistency to feel safe in a world that has just become so unpredictable for them. Developing a co-parenting plan, a consistent routine and a family mission statement that you all agree upon is a much better formula for success.

Ways To Be A Happier Mom

Whether you are a mom, a stepmom with or without your own children, being happy is not just a necessity, but crucial.  Some of us tend to create impressions that we are truly happy to satisfy the emotional well-being of our children and husbands but fooling ourselves at the same time.

As I have written in prior posts, I feel that the number one reason we dont allow ourselves to be happy is because we have conjured up this notion that we are not allowed to nurture ourselves.  We refuse to “let go” of being the “be all and do all” for everyone except ourselves.  This is really a crime to our mental and emotional well-beings.  Key words…”being all and doing all” for ourselves, FIRST, doesn’t limt our happiness.

When we are only happy within limits, we are accomplishing nothing except giving ourselves self-satisfaction in exchange for a ruinous path.  By doing this, we cannot submit our grievances to our partners if we are not prepared to change this bad habit at the same time.  By limiting your own personal happiness, later in life, you will be remorseful for not paying attention to yourself.

Throughout my 20′s and 30′s, I lived this way myself, mostly unhappy and neglected;  not because I couldn’t be happy, but because I chose to put everyone ahead of me!  Because I was a single mom for most of those years, I didn’t think I had the time, nor did I feel it was proper to put myself before my children.  Boy, was I wrong!   As I have stated before, it’s like when you first board the airplane;  the stewardess teaches you to always put the oxygen mask on yourself before your children.  Why, because if you aren’t healthy and able-bodied how can you help anyone else?  The same goes for taking care of ourselves as single parents, moms and stepmoms.   It wasn’t until recently, in  my early 40′s did I really begin to see those effects and how by incorporating a few simple changes I could make my life better.  It really was an epiphany to me.  Now, I yearn each day to see what other ways I can find to incorporate more happiness.  By doing this, I have become a way better mother and stepmother.

Here are a few simple tips for nurturing that you can apply in your life as well:

• Take time to focus on your personal spiritual growth.
• Splurge on yourself once in a while — you work hard — you deserve it!
• Take 1 hour a day to yourself and focus on YOU!
• Surround yourself with good people who are uplifting.
• Take time for friendships.
• Take a class or focus on a hobby that brings you joy.

Another important value of finding happiness is “weeding out your obstacles.”  Keep in mind that just as weeds can take over a garden or a flower bed, they can take over your thoughts, perceptions and attitudes to the detriment of your own well-being.  Even healthy plants, if they aren’t cultivated properly, get sick.  As women, we run ourselves down at the drop of a hat; even dropping everything at a moments notice when our children, step-children or husbands need something.  Often times, it becomes overwhelming and feels like you are fighting against a never-ending current, all of which makes us uneven and out of balance.

Moving our obstacles out of the way of our true happiness allows us to take a stand for what is crucial to preserve…and that is living not just happily but abundantly.  Our children and step-children will grow up and move on and we need to have our own happiness.  As I stated in the preamble of this post, this not only applies to moms, but equally importantly to step-moms.  There is a preconceived notion that it’s okay for moms to need a break from the monotony of every day life and motherhood, but if a stepmom expresses such, she is being weak, unloving and mean.  What husbands and ex-wives forget is that a stepmom deals with the same, if not more, issues and stresses any other parent in the blended family.  Think about it, she has her own children, her stepchildren, constantly changing routines to fit everyone, and most of the time, she is overlooked in the appreciation department.  Even still, she also deserves to find happiness and to take time for herself as well. 

So get on board ladies!!  Don’t be afraid to move and weed out those obstacles!  I promise you, you will be a better person and mother for it!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Dad’s: Stop Wallowing in Guilt!

Parenting from guilt can be considered one of the seven deadly sins of the blended family and remarriage.  Knowing that the adult problem of divorce affects not just our lives but that of our children, is not only discomforting, but heartbreaking.   When a woman divorces, she more than likely becomes a single-parent overnight.  As a result, it seems as if she turns on a mechanism that doesn’t have time to cater to the effects of guilt feelings right away, due to the fact that she has to put on and wear several hats at once.  Single moms are actually encouraged to put guilt aside and avoid blaming themselves.  However, with most of my male clients, I see the “guilt parenting” from the start.  In fact, most men that I meet that are divorced say the same thing…”My children don’t live with me so when they are with me, I overcompensate for not being there on a daily basis.”  So, essentially, most fall into the trap of being a “Disneyland Dad” and/or they allow negative thoughts to consume their feelings which in turn causes them to hazardly parent their children.  They believe that by “doing” things with their children instead of actually “being” with their children it will make up for their daily absence in their lives.  WRONG!  The myth that a non-custodial parent has to pack every single minute of the time they share with their children with fun activities and/or by giving or buying them things actually does more harm than good.  Dads….your children need a father not a playmate.  They need a structured environment, not a funhouse.  They need you to parent without guilt.

Loving our children doesn’t mean that as divorced parents, everything is always going to be hunky dorey.  We don’t prove to our children that we love them by showering them with gifts every other weekend or spoiling them beyond comprehension.  When we do this, our children equate “love” with “things.”  More importantly, loving our children means disciplining them when their behavior isn’t favorable (whether that be due to blended family issues or any concerning issue for that matter).  Many times, many non-custodial parents (and some custodial parents) will not hold their children accountable for their behavior, especially when there is a step-parent in the home which in turn sends destructive mixed signals to the children. 

Often times, Dads try too hard to protect their children from the issues that ultimately they will have to face as a child of divorce.  Albeit natural, we all want to protect our children from pain, but at the same time, we cannot brush problems under the rug and believe they will simply go away.  By doing this, they are not allowing their children nor themselves to heal from the wounds divorce creates in the first place.  With the guilt, they over-protect, which is a lot of the time to the detriment of the mental well-being of their new wives, their children and themselves as well.  As Dr. Wednesday Martin has said about divorce…”when unions dissolve, children do suffer.”  My advice would be “why make them suffer more by pushing them into “poor Dad or poor Mom” mode? 

Parents, let’s be realistic.  We make mistakes and some of our mistakes are big ones!  NO parent is perfect.  Looking back on my 23 years of parenting, I know I have some guilt.  Heck, I can’t blame anyone but myself for some of my errors.  However, if we wallow in the guilt of our past mistakes, it hampers our ability to parent effectively.  Plain and simple, there are no easy answers to parenting.  It’s all about trial and error and making the best of the situation we have at hand.  

Parents, children equate love with discipline, structure, boundaries and the love that we show them on a daily basis, not by the “things” we do with or buy for them.   For example, making them respect their step-parent at all times is huge.  This teaches them unity, love and respect.  If you allow discord, you teach discord.  If you allow unruliness, you teach unruliness.  In other words, if you teach what it really means to parent effectively by showing love and respect, they will always find and implement that in their own lives.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Challenge or Opportunity?

Handling challenges of stepfamily life can be daunting.  Defining our roles as step-parents, the expectations we have of our stepchildren, competing for our spouses attention and loyalty conflicts are just a few of the challenges that we face being a part of a blended family.   All of the preceding issues can be looked at as a challenge, but what I like to teach my clients is that issues such as these, once completely understood, can be viewed as opportunities as well.

In the United States alone, between 75 and 85% of all divorced couples remarry and a third of all children in the  United States alone will spend part of their lives in a stepfamily.   With these stunning statistics at our fingertips, as members of the blended family, it is important to be aware that by fostering challenges and problems instead of fostering positive relationship building, having open discussions with our children and stepchildren and reinforcing realistic expectations, we are promoting instead of preventing the disconnect that often occurs within the stepfamily.  Most of the time, this disconnect occurs out of pure unrealistic expectations and non-understanding of the dynamics that accompanies the stepfamily environment.

Finding good, practical answers is not always easy because even stepfamilies that have been together for years, who are pretty much equipped with experience and knowledge under their belts, at times wrestle with issues.  However, as I have said in the past, it is how we mutually decide to handle these challenges by not allowing them to define our happiness within our units nor our success as a stepfamily.  Issues are going to arise.  Embrace them and fix it if you can.  If it is something that just can’t be agreed upon — well, agree to disagree, respect one another’s opinion, and move past it.  This small effort is allowing opportunity to rise above challenge.

Another very important tip in this process is always putting your marriage or remarriage first on your list of priorities.  Absolutely no marriage survives if the life partners in that marriage are in discord with one another.  For example, if you and your partner constantly disagree and struggle over the issue of discipline, or one or the other is insecure in your relationship because the kids are tearing you apart, and finally, a whopper of a discord is when one partner or the other lets guilt about a previous marital breakdown affect his or her parenting.  Your marriage has to be the center of your beings as a couple.  You cannot be insecure about your relationship and expect your stepchildren or children to be secure.  By taking this particular challenge by the horns and making sure you put your marriage first, you are exercising the opportunity to teach your children what a sound, stable and secure marriage is and should be.  They will know, in an instant, when two parents back each other unequivocally, through thick and thin, that there is no room for division on their part.  In essence, they will seek this type of marriage out in their own personal lives as well.

Choosing to transform our challenges into opportunities not only usually resolves, or helps to resolve, the conflict at hand, but it alleviates unnecessary struggles and it engages our behaviors toward the positive in other aspects of our lives as well.  Our children become more confident because evaluating conflict and the resolutions thereto, teaches them to look toward resolve instead of teaching them to stew upon negative emotions and things that they cannot change.  For example, if your husband’s ex hates your guts and you know you are being bad-mouthed in front of your stepchildren, don’t turn around and instigate the same behaviors in your home.  Simply use grace and confidence to handle that situation.  For example, if your stepchild says..”My mommy hates you!”  Simply, state something like…”I am so sorry that your mom feels that way about me because I don’t feel that way about her and maybe one day her perspective will change.”  Instead of,… “So frickin what your crazy mother hates me!  I hate her too.”  Do you see how just that simple response has the ability to change your stepchild’s response and/or idea of how that situation is viewed?  Not only does it teach them how to handle conflict, it teaches them humility.

Listen, I know better than anyone that the challenges the stepfamily life can bring is never just “black and white.”  Shades of grey are all over and in between, and most parents and stepparents are unprepared for the confusing and painful emotions that arise from time-to-time. However, by putting your relationship first and developing ways to make opportunities for bonding, teaching and loving instead of absorbing conflict, struggle and strife is one step in the right direction.  It is vitally important that our children have positive role models in their lives and it starts at home.  Whether they have two homes or one, in order for our children to be happy, we have to define our roles as parents and stepparents and allow them to learn and expect realistic expectations even when it comes down to a bit of conflict.

Let’s carve through the conflict to allow opportunity to evolve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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