Teaching Kids to Deal With Disappointment

I subscribe to the Daily Babble newsletter and this week the very first article immediately caught my attention.  Teaching Kids About Disappointment was the title of the article; written by Harlyn Aizley, author of Confessions of the Other Mother: Nonbiological Lesbian Mothers Tell All. The subtitle to this article was Why Are We So Afraid To Tell Children That Life’s Not Fair?

Harlyn’s article was about five year olds being disappointed at a birthday party, but it was the grander message that I found really thought provoking. Afterward, I pondered on the very question that she raised in her article; why the hell are we so afraid to tell our children that life sometimes isn’t fair?

As an ex and a stepmom I am well aware that life hasn’t always seemed fair for our children. The families, as they knew them, dissolved right before their very eyes. My son’s father lives out of the country for ten months of every year, which means he doesn’t get to see him very often.  He and my stepson are only 3 months apart and went from being only children, with the attention all on them, to having to share the attention with the other and with us. When my husband and I got together, they were barely 4 years old and I can totally see how life seemed unfair to them then and even now. After all, dad isn’t always able to be at school plays or basketball games because one (my ex) lives out of the country and my stepson’s dad (my husband) doesn’t live in state with him. However, from day one, I have been an advocate of empowering my son to accept change and define happiness or “normal” for himself. It is the reason that my ex and I have never attempted to alter my son’s reality. Dad is in Spain because that’s where his job is and mom lives in the states. I wasn’t going to move to Spain so that he could be closer to him. We don’t vacation together for his benefit (not knocking those who do, by the way) and we live our lives separately because we are no longer together.  Instead of altering my son’s reality I was successful in getting him to embrace this change and then define his new normal. I told him that yes dad works out of the country and you don’t get to see him very often, but that just means when you do see him it will be that much more rewarding. Instead of encouraging him to be angry about sharing me with two other people, I told him that he would now have a best buddy, whom he had a lot in common with, to create special memories with. Additionally, he would have a full time father figure to do things with that mom is no good at, like playing baseball or Yu-Gi Oh. Over time, he began to see my point and now, his modern family is normal to him and he’s very happy with it!

That being said, I never encouraged my son to suppress his feelings. I acknowledged his angry, hurt, sad, and confused feelings. I told him that he was absolutely justified in feeling the way that he did; however, I have never allowed him to use his circumstances as a crutch. Life sometimes sucks is what I told him, but you have to make the best out of whatever cards you are dealt. This is the way things are now and they are never going to be the way they were, so how do we move forward with what we have?

His life over the past 10 years has afforded him some life long lessons that he will take with him when he becomes an adult. The truth is, is that life isn’t always fair and nobody is going to twist and bend like a pretzel to make sure you are never disappointed. Life is full of disappointments! Additionally, you have to learn to move forward and choose to be happy instead of angry or victimized. Giving into that anger is what permanently scars you; not the disappointments themselves. It has also taught him that he is in charge of his happiness; not his dads, his moms, his siblings or anyone else. Finally, it has encouraged him to accept and embrace change because although it’s uncertain, it doesn’t mean that it won’t be worth it.

I realize that what I’m saying is easier said than done, believe me I do. As a mom who always wants to protect her cubs, there have been times when I have wanted to give my son whatever he wants just so that he doesn’t have to feel pain, hurt or disappointment. But then I realized that doing so means that he will never be equipped to handle the real world and all the real life challenges that it brings.  Allowing our children to appropriately deal with and accept disappointment teaches them to live in this world and not some world that is designed specifically for them.

Challenge or Opportunity?

Handling challenges of stepfamily life can be daunting.  Defining our roles as step-parents, the expectations we have of our stepchildren, competing for our spouses attention and loyalty conflicts are just a few of the challenges that we face being a part of a blended family.   All of the preceding issues can be looked at as a challenge, but what I like to teach my clients is that issues such as these, once completely understood, can be viewed as opportunities as well.

In the United States alone, between 75 and 85% of all divorced couples remarry and a third of all children in the  United States alone will spend part of their lives in a stepfamily.   With these stunning statistics at our fingertips, as members of the blended family, it is important to be aware that by fostering challenges and problems instead of fostering positive relationship building, having open discussions with our children and stepchildren and reinforcing realistic expectations, we are promoting instead of preventing the disconnect that often occurs within the stepfamily.  Most of the time, this disconnect occurs out of pure unrealistic expectations and non-understanding of the dynamics that accompanies the stepfamily environment.

Finding good, practical answers is not always easy because even stepfamilies that have been together for years, who are pretty much equipped with experience and knowledge under their belts, at times wrestle with issues.  However, as I have said in the past, it is how we mutually decide to handle these challenges by not allowing them to define our happiness within our units nor our success as a stepfamily.  Issues are going to arise.  Embrace them and fix it if you can.  If it is something that just can’t be agreed upon — well, agree to disagree, respect one another’s opinion, and move past it.  This small effort is allowing opportunity to rise above challenge.

Another very important tip in this process is always putting your marriage or remarriage first on your list of priorities.  Absolutely no marriage survives if the life partners in that marriage are in discord with one another.  For example, if you and your partner constantly disagree and struggle over the issue of discipline, or one or the other is insecure in your relationship because the kids are tearing you apart, and finally, a whopper of a discord is when one partner or the other lets guilt about a previous marital breakdown affect his or her parenting.  Your marriage has to be the center of your beings as a couple.  You cannot be insecure about your relationship and expect your stepchildren or children to be secure.  By taking this particular challenge by the horns and making sure you put your marriage first, you are exercising the opportunity to teach your children what a sound, stable and secure marriage is and should be.  They will know, in an instant, when two parents back each other unequivocally, through thick and thin, that there is no room for division on their part.  In essence, they will seek this type of marriage out in their own personal lives as well.

Choosing to transform our challenges into opportunities not only usually resolves, or helps to resolve, the conflict at hand, but it alleviates unnecessary struggles and it engages our behaviors toward the positive in other aspects of our lives as well.  Our children become more confident because evaluating conflict and the resolutions thereto, teaches them to look toward resolve instead of teaching them to stew upon negative emotions and things that they cannot change.  For example, if your husband’s ex hates your guts and you know you are being bad-mouthed in front of your stepchildren, don’t turn around and instigate the same behaviors in your home.  Simply use grace and confidence to handle that situation.  For example, if your stepchild says..”My mommy hates you!”  Simply, state something like…”I am so sorry that your mom feels that way about me because I don’t feel that way about her and maybe one day her perspective will change.”  Instead of,… “So frickin what your crazy mother hates me!  I hate her too.”  Do you see how just that simple response has the ability to change your stepchild’s response and/or idea of how that situation is viewed?  Not only does it teach them how to handle conflict, it teaches them humility.

Listen, I know better than anyone that the challenges the stepfamily life can bring is never just “black and white.”  Shades of grey are all over and in between, and most parents and stepparents are unprepared for the confusing and painful emotions that arise from time-to-time. However, by putting your relationship first and developing ways to make opportunities for bonding, teaching and loving instead of absorbing conflict, struggle and strife is one step in the right direction.  It is vitally important that our children have positive role models in their lives and it starts at home.  Whether they have two homes or one, in order for our children to be happy, we have to define our roles as parents and stepparents and allow them to learn and expect realistic expectations even when it comes down to a bit of conflict.

Let’s carve through the conflict to allow opportunity to evolve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Sometimes There Are No Do Overs!

Bruce, Demi, Ashton and daughters

Quite often I am asked one question; How do you repair a broken relationship with your ex-spouse? Most times, when ex-spouses present this question to me, they are wanting an answer that includes a magic formula for having a Bruce and Demi or Nicole and Eddie Murphy relationship in which everyone (new partners and all) get together on the regular and become fast friends.  The problem is that this is not always possible, and sometimes an ex-spouse has to accept that although you’ll never be great friends, you can have a co-operative co-parenting relationship. Aiming for unrealistic expectations usually ends up with hurt feelings and kids caught in the middle.

Most divorces end with a certain amount of anger, disappointment, uncertainty and confusion. One or both parties may say or do things that they really don’t mean to hurt the other due to the above-mentioned emotions.  It’s a natural human reaction to sadness, anger and disappointment. You’re hurting so naturally you want the other party to hurt as well. When these impulsive reactions are minor and short-lived, it’s easy to forgive, recover from and even end up as friendly co-parents. However, sometimes there are no do overs and it can be impossible to recover from certain actions enough to actually be friends afterward.

For example, in a situation where a parent alienates a child for years, but then has a change of heart or the court intervenes and orders that the other parent be able to have regular visitation with the child, it will be hard to recover from that in order to be friends.  Or, how about the recent Dwayne Wade vs. his estranged wife case, where the ex-wife goes as far as suing the new girlfriend because her children got medium sized gifts, but the new girlfriend got the biggest gift of all for Christmas. There are also cases where the ex-wife constantly has the ex-husband in court for things like forgetting to administer medicine during visitation or calling the child outside of the court-ordered time. These types of things may even be forgivable, but they certainly aren’t forgettable.

In cases where there are simply hurt or unresolved feelings it’s easy for the divorced couple to repair their relationship, move forward and eventually become friends. But, when a parent has missed out on years of his child’s life as a result of the other parent, or has had to spend thousands of dollars in frivolous court battles, it’s darn near impossible to forget those things. You can repair your relationship enough to be cordial for the kids, but it’s unrealistic to assume that you’ll be great friends afterward. As a matter of fact, it’s unfair to ask the victim of such acts to just forget about missing out on years of your child’s life or the thousands of dollars spent unnecessarily in court, etc.; let’s just be friends.

Here’s the revelation: Sometimes there are no do overs. You might be able to make it better, but you won’t be able to make it right. When going through a divorce, consider the fact that there is a line that you cannot cross if you ever want to go back and repair a broken co-parenting relationship. Remember, when it’s all said and done, just because you feel better doesn’t mean that everybody else does. So think before you act impulsively and consider the long-term effect that those impulsive actions will have on your children. Lastly, it’s equally important for all divorced couples to realize aiming for friendship is  not a realistic goal for all divorced couples. For those who have been through war and suffered some lasting damage as a result, just being cordial is good enough.

Dads’ Summer Visitation

With Summer quickly approaching, a lot of non-custodial parents (who are usually dads) are about to embark on yet another Summer visitation.  With that being said, having a productive Summer visitation with your children should be on every dad’s wish list.  Most people see Summer visitation as images of beaches, amusement parks, going to bed late and getting up even later.   However, while our children deserve to have fun during the Summer, it should also be a productive time for them as well.  While our children undoubtedly are expectant of a fun Summer visitation, dads need to be careful not to “over do” or for a lack of better words, fall into the trap of the “disneyland dad” syndrome.  Summer visitation is a very important bonding time with your children, which should be fairly uninterrupted by the custodial parent, but also time that should be balanced by productiveness.

Being able to spend extra quality time with your children and making lasting memories with them will take them through the rest of their lives.  With that,  creating a positive experience during this time can be challenging without good preparation.  As such, preparation should also include your children.  Making plans ahead of time with your children’s involvement can be a fun activity.  For example, making weekly phone calls and perhaps exchanging emails to discuss updates and new plans.  By doing this you also strengthen the communication between yourself and  your children as well.  By making them a part of the planning, they will feel that their voices are being heard and their ideas considered as well.

Remember, by using your extended time well with your children, you will be making lasting memories that will pay great dividends in the future.  As parents, the most precious gift we can give our children is that of our time.  Your personal investment in spending time with your children is worth much more than any gift you can buy them.

Here are a few planning tips for you dads who might struggle with planning for your Summer visitations:

• Turn off the TV and you and your children sit down together and make your Summer activity “Wish List.”
• Plan a Summer road trip.  Whether it be a day trip or a weekend trip, explore new ground.
• Institute the “Summer Book Club.”  Read with your children.  Check out books at the library or purchase them and have family discussions about same.  This is a great, fun way to incorporate the much needed reading time over the Summer.
• Hit your local museums for the day.  Another way to incorporate education.
• Organize a family reunion.  Take the extra time to allow your children to visit your extended family.
• Volunteer.  There are lot of opportunities for people of all ages to volunteer.  Volunteering teaches humility, self-respect, respect for others, and most importantly, builds character in our children.  Teaching children to give of themselves is a life-long lesson that they will pass on for years to come.
• Check out fun Summer day camps.  All children benefit from social interaction outside of school.

Lastly, keep in mind, especially if there is a large geographical difference between your home and the custodial parents home, that Summer visitation can be an emotional time for children.  Helping them to prepare ahead of time helps to calm their anxieties.  Allowing your children to have somewhat frequent contact with the custodial parent gives them a sense of security and helps to calm their nerves about becoming homesick.  However, its also important that custodial parents remember how important it is for their children to have that uninterrupted quality/bonding time with the non-custodial parent as it makes for extremely well-rounded children who are filled with self-esteem because they are encouraged to have healthy relationships with both of their parents.

May your Summer visitation be productive, filled with lasting memories and full of fun times!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Dwayne Wade’s Estranged Wife is Suing His New Girlfriend

Dwayne Wade

I really thought I had experienced and heard it all before as a stepmother, but this just takes the cake.

Associated Press recently reported that the Miami Heat basketball star, Dwayne Wade’s estranged wife is allegedly suing Dwayne Wade’s new girlfriend, actress, Gabrielle Union! Why? Because she alleged that her ex-husband’s new relationship is causing her and their two sons, ages 8 and 2, emotional distress!

The two separated in 2007 and have been in engaged in a contentious divorce battle ever since. Adding to this nasty battle, the former Mrs. Wade, allegedly filed this lawsuit, which lists her two sons as plantiffs, in Chicago earlier this week. In it, she claims that Union engaged in sexual foreplay (hugging and kissing) in front of the boys (side note: I guess she was able to do this all by herself) causing them “severe emotional and mental distress.” Get this…It also claims that her boys only received “medium sized gifts” from Wade this year while Union received the “biggest gift of them all.”

Additionally, Wade’s estranged wife expressed that Union often plays the roles of the super sexy seductress, and has apparently “decided to take that role off the film and into the home of a married man, and in the presence of his two minor children.”  As such, she is seeking damages in excess of $50,000!

Union issued a statement insisting that the allegations were indeed false and Dwayne said that they are “baseless and meritless.”

The court ultimately rejected these claims as frivolous and Union apologized to the Cook County court for taking up their time for these “erroneous” claims.

Gabrielle Union

Wade’s soon to be ex-wife also claimed in the suit that Wade’s oldest son has been suffering from anxiety resulting in “severe hair loss and bald spots” and the younger son is suffering from feelings of rejection and depression (side note: apparently this is Union’s fault, too and the fact that the two decided to divorce BEFORE she came along doesn’t matter).

A friend of Wade’s estranged wife claims that the former Mrs. Wade threatened to find a gun and shoot the basketball star and voluntarily admitted herself into an Illinois hospital to deal with anger related issues; however, Mrs. Wade says that the allegations are false and has filed a suit against her for libel and slander.

Finally, the attorneys who represented Wade’s estranged wife in the divorce has been excused from the case, citing an “impasse and irreconcilable differences” between attorney and client.

My Commentary: As the former long time girlfriend of a basketball player, with whom I share a child, I know how that world can be and therefore, I am not excusing certain behaviors. I also know how painful separation and divorce can be for all parties involved; however, it’s not the girlfriend and in some case, new wife’s fault. You can’t blame EVERYTHING on the newcomer.  In this case, the divorced parents need to hold themselves accountable for how they are affecting their children throughout this process. Hugging and kissing isn’t what is causing their son emotional distress to the point that his hair is falling out. Mom and/or dad who act impulsively, put their kids in the middle of frivolous court battles, and  apparently aren’t communicating like adults who want to cause as minimal damage as possible to their children, are the ones who are the cause of their childrens’ emotional and mental distress.

There’s no debate that divorce is hard, especially when it includes deceptive acts such as cheating, but what’s done is done. He cheated, he’s moved on, and though it may not be easy, you have to move on to. Don’t make a bad situation worse by throwing your children directly in the middle of a court battle. Instead, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and focus on you and your children.

Moving forward, I hope that they can work out their differences without causing further damage to their two beautiful children; they certainly don’t deserve this. I wish them all the very best as they try to work this out.

Crisis in the Family Court System

Crisis in the family court system was the topic of a Dr. Phil show that aired a couple of days ago. He wanted to know if the legal system was letting our children down, and according to the testimonies of his guests, it is! His guests stories were centered around domestic violence and the women who pleaded with the family court judges to order supervised visitation out of fear that their ex-husbands would harm or even kill their children. After several attempts, the judges assumed that the women were lying and denied their requests for supervised visits and/or restraining orders. As a result, the ex-husbands were able to follow through with their threats and ended up killing their own children, just so that their mother wouldn’t have them either. My heart ached for these women as I can imagine how they must feel knowing that they tried to stop such a horrific act from occurring, but couldn’t persuade a judge to listen to them.

My answer to the above-mentioned question; is the family court system failing our children, is a resounding yes! Having said that, there is some benefit to adhering to certain legal orders in family court. For example, visitation orders which indicate days and times of visitation prevent mom and dad from arguing over who gets the child, when and for how long. I have often expressed, however, that overall the courts rarely act in the best interest of the children for a few reasons:

The Most Persuasive Argument

Judges are taught and programmed to pay the most attention to the most persuasive argument and usually the most persuasive argument comes from the most experienced attorney or an extremely charismatic individual who is representing his or herself.  This does not mean that this argument is coming from or for the person who is actually acting in the best interest of the child. It simply means that he or she had the most money to hire an experienced, really good attorney or he or she is a damn good con artist. Judges are only concerned with the facts and not the emotion, so it’s best that you present your case and back it up with some concrete evidence (emails, text messages, saved voice mails, letters, witness statements…). Going to court and pleading your undying love for your children and/or saying that you fear for their lives, apparently and unfortunately, won’t cut it.  They will only assume that you are lying and will do anything so that he will rule in your favor.

Influenced by Societal Perception

We often forget that judges are not little forms of God; they are human and therefore are influenced by society as well as what they see in the media regarding divorce and remarriage. Some judges just automatically think that dad is a deadbeat because it is what society has believed and projected for so long. Whether it is through a movie, talk show, television show, magazine, etc. , they form their overall opinions from those types of mediums, especially if they haven’t experienced divorce or stepfamily life themselves.  That being said, recently society has created a new perception called the lying mother. No matter what she says, she’s just lying because she wants to keep her children away from their father. Judges will be persuaded to go with one of those two scenarios and unfortunately, most times they’ve already made up their minds based on the view they’ve received from the media instead of paying close attention to the individual case.

Lack of Knowledge

Most judges have no personal experience regarding the dynamics of divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life and therefore rely on what they’ve heard (usually in the media as mentioned above) to give the final ruling in their cases. They also rely on parental liasons/advocates, individuals who are usually clinical psychologists whom are appointed to provide the judge with information (after talking to both parents and the child), solely based on the best interest of the child. They are appointed to give that unbiased view of the situation so the judge can make an unbiased decision. The problem is that most of these individuals have no or very little knowledge regarding they complex dynamics of divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life either. As such, you just get a bunch of people making a bunch of generalized decisions for children who are caught in the middle.

As a result of the above-mentioned we end up with children who are alienated from their fathers because the judge assumes he’s a deadbeat and their mother is the victim. We end up with children who are awarded custody to abusers because the judge assumes the mother is lying and the father isn’t a deadbeat. And all these generalized decisions definitely aren’t in the best interest of the children. The question that remains, however, is how do we attempt to fix a broken family court system. In my personal and professional opinion, blogs, magazines, books, etc., written by people who are actually or have experienced divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life, will help to shed some light on the different types of issues that these modern families face. In my professional opinion, we need more advocates (stepfamily therapists) in the system who are really knowledgeable on the issues of the stepfamily, divorce and remarriage and those individuals are people who are living or have lived it.

Overall, judges in the family court system need to realize that there isn’t a one size fits all approach to ruling in these types of cases. Not all dads are deadbeats. Some mothers do purposely alienate their children from their fathers out of nothing but spite. BUT, not all mothers alienate their children without good reason. Some mothers have been abused, know that their ex-husbands aren’t stable and fear for their children’s lives. As such, it’s important to pay close attention to the facts and in some cases, where extreme allegations are made (he said he would kill my children), to err on the side of caution. If a mother approaches the court expressing that her ex-husband had made threats to, or she just feels like he will kill her children if supervised visitation isn’t granted, that judge has let those kids down if he doesn’t even take the appropriate steps to prove or disprove that allegation. She could be lying, but she also could be telling the truth, and if she is, I certainly wouldn’t want that on my conscious! Finally, judges need to pay more attention to the children and not the war between the parents. If a child has to be carried away, kicking and screaming, for visitation with the non-custodial or custodial parent, that speaks volumes so listen! Children are good indicators as to what’s going on in the home. Don’t be so quick to assume that the other parent must be brainwashing the child as this isn’t always the case. And in most cases, even if one parent is brainwashing the child, it wouldn’t result in the child being forced to visit the parent kicking and screaming. That child may be more disrespectful toward the parent and/or a step-parent, but he or she wouldn’t fear going to visit.

The above mentioned scenarios are the types of situations that warrant a qualified stepfamily coach, counselor or therapist to aid the court system with determining what’s best for the children. The family court system has let our children down in one way or another and it shouldn’t continue to happen. Parents approach the court when they can’t work it out on their own and they shouldn’t feel even more discouraged after leaving court. Doing so, causes and motivates them to take matters into their own hands, and in most cases, that is never a good thing.

Montel Williams - Bad Father or Parental Alienation?

Montell Williams II and Wyntergrace

Montel Williams’ two children say the talk show host, who tried to paint himself as a responsible and devoted father, has all but abandoned them amid a bitter custody battle.

“My dad is now like a stranger,” his 14-year-old daughter, Wyntergrace, tells the ‘New York Daily News’. “Everyone knows him as a great guy, but he’s not making the best choices as a parent.”

Williams, who won Emmys hosting his daytime show, currently hosts a radio show and sells a number of products for ‘Living Well’.

But, despite receiving over $18,000 a month in child support for the two of them, the kids say they are missing the emotional support they need.

“I wouldn’t say I really have a relationship with my dad,” she says. “He’s not in my life right now. It’s his choice. I eat every night. I’m comfortable, but I can’t say I have him as a father. There’s all this fighting over things that shouldn’t be a fight, like paying for my PSAT.”

Wyntergrace says she’s seen him four times in five years and their last meeting didn’t go well.

“He walked in already mad. He said he thought we were going to dinner, but my email clearly said we were going to see my therapist,” she explains. “It was intimidating. I was thinking, ‘Why should I talk if I’m just going to get yelled at?’”

In response to the story, Montel says he doesn’t want to get into it: “I love my children very much. I do not believe parenting is best done in a public forum and I will not comment on ongoing legal action involving my minor children.”

Montel and Grace Morley, who divorced in 2000, have joint custody, and have been engaged in a 10 year fight over the children. Morley wants full custody but the 53-year-old is refusing to give up his decision making power.

“He has been trying to go out to dinner with them, to call them, to speak to them. And he’s been unable to accomplish that at a reasonable level,”  his lawyer said, according to a transcript.

This story was first published by the NY Daily News.

My response to this story:

After supporting my husband through his battle, with his ex-wife, over their son for nearly a decade, I am never quick to believe the whole “the father abandoned his kids” story. I know that there is always more than one side to the story. It’s just that the custodial mom’s side is the one that is often told and sympathized with by the court system. Additionally, it’s unfortunate that the kids walk away from these type of situations with a tainted view of their father which is often based on half truths.

That being said,  let me point out some of the inconsistencies that I see in this story.

1. I know more than a few actual deadbeat fathers. These fathers have never supported their children. They walked away and didn’t look back. They have evaded the child support system and aren’t the least bit interested in financially or emotionally supporting their children. I know a few of  these fathers personally! Out of all of them, NONE have paid child support or engaged in a 10 year fight with their ex over anything. Why would a man battle over children that he has supposedly abandoned and doesn’t care about? What I have seen, however, are custodial moms who make it darn near impossible for a man to remain actively involved, but then complain that he’s not involved, and those fathers are the ones who have been fighting for years to remain even minimally involved in their children’s lives.
2. Those same deadbeat dads that I mentioned earlier don’t have or desire to have joint custody. They don’t refuse to give up their decision making power over kids they don’t care about.
3. I also don’t know fathers who supposedly abandon their children, but try to call them, speak to them or have dinner with them, but has been unable to at a reasonable level. BUT, I do know custodial moms who are completely unreasonable when it comes to the terms by which the father can see his children. For example, you can see them only if you come to my house and your wife is not around. Or, you can see them from 1-3pm, on a weekday, when she knows the father has to work. Williams’ lawyer is probably referring to similar terms when he alleges that he has been unable to see them at a reasonable level.

As I stated, there is always more than one side to these contentious ex-husband vs. ex-wife/mother vs father stories and the kids are often times caught in the middle. Additionally, they are left to draw their own conclusions, which are usually based on half truths or just plain lies. Dads in this situation usually try to protect their children by not revealing their side of the story, hoping that one day the truth will come out on its own. The problem is that these children have often endured years of mom’s story and begin to believe that it’s the whole truth and nothing but. And by the time dad has an opportunity to tell his story, when the kids are older, the kids often times, don’t want to hear it.

I hope that Montel Williams can work it out with his children. More importantly, I hope that Grace Morley supports their relationship because it is what’s best for them.

Negotiating in Your Modern Family

People routinely bargain and negotiate with one another.  Each person will take their position, argue their points and try to make concessions thereafter in order to negotiate or bargain for a productive outcome to fit their needs.  This analogy holds true for today’s modern family as well.  In particular, bio parents negotiate with one another regarding issues of custody and visitation and often children of divorce use bargaining to effectuate their wants and needs between their parents as well.

As we all know, bargaining can of course also be a useful tool.  However, it can at times work against us and become inefficient when dealing with modern family issues.  For example, instead of following the court order regarding visitation (i.e., during holidays and school breaks), one parent or the other often re-negotiates the original agreement with the expectation that it will please everyone, only to be disappointed when the outcome goes awry.   In this case, bargaining and negotiating the court order probably did more harm than good.  As such, to avoid these type of issues, following the established court order is the best way to go.

Another example of ineffective bargaining is bargaining over positions in your modern family.  For example, your wife has made an arrangement with her ex-husband and hasn’t consulted you.  You state your position that you should be involved in every decision regardless of whether the outcome affects you personally or not when in fact, if the the outcome doesn’t involve you, it really isn’t necessary that the issue be discussed with you.  However, this type of positional bargaining will always become a battle.  Your husband won’t give in and you won’t either and now you have an all out war on your hands.  Each task after that becomes conflicted because you both don’t want to change your positions.  After which, the result ends in resentment and the original concern that got you there in the first place often get lost in space.  Positional bargaining in your marriage can be detrimental for the mere fact that we are  humans and we have strong emotions.  Often, however, we allow our emotions to take over our perception of the actual issue or problem we are faced with.  This particularly holds true for members of today’s modern family.  If we decide to attack the problem instead of the person, we have effectively taken the “bargaining position” out of the problem and we can then effectively negotiate.  As long as we are not owning problems that aren’t ours to own. 

Lesson:  Bargain or negotiate only over things that you can control within your family.

Furthermore, we have to keep in mind that negotiating in a bio/nuclear family is totally different than negotiating or bargaining in a modern/step family. In a bio/nuclear family, there are two adults with whom to negotiate and consider, and that’s the two biological parents. In a modern/step family there are at least three and sometimes four or more adults with whom to negotiate and consider, which often times makes negotiating way more difficult.   The paradigm that I like to describe this with is it would be like playing chess with the rules of checkers.  Communicating issues, concerns and options with the members of your modern family is fantastic and healthy, but knowing when the bargaining tactic is not useful helps as well.

One of the best books I have ever read on this issue is titled “Getting to Yes - Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In” by Roger Fisher and William Ury.  I read this book years ago when I was having issues with my ex.  The book says, and I quote, “how you see the world depends on where you sit.”  That is the most powerful statement in the book.  The authors go on to say that each person in conflict usually can only see their side of a problem and also only see the faults of the other, however, it is the ability to see the situation as the other person sees it (whether it is your husband or wife, ex-spouses, children or step-children), as difficult as that may may be, is one of the most important values and skills you can ever possess.

Modern Family Adjustments–Are You Proactive or Reactive?

Recently, within my own modern family, a situation arose that required adjustment by all members of our modern family.  Without going into too much personal detail, the conflict was related to an issue between my husband and his ex-wife where an adjustment was being made that would affect our household.  Because I am not a perfect person, and I don’t always have all of the answers, my response to this adjustment is the reason I decided to write this post.  I wanted to share with you readers what I learned about making adjustments in a modern/blended family.

When this situation was brought to my attention, instead of taking a proactive approach and allowing my husband to handle what he needed to within our household, I made a reactive decision that caused a lot of stress within my modern family.  I immediately called my husband’s ex-wife and questioned her about the issue.  Instead of being proactive and talking to my husband about my feelings and allowing him to come up with a solution (which is his responsibility — not mine), I made that reactive decision to call and involve myself, as a wife and stepmom, in an issue that didn’t involve me at all.  The result — I stressed myself and my husband’s ex-wife out completely.

Regardless of the reason, change can be difficult for all parties involved.  Facing new challenges that force adjustments to our family structure naturally come with resistance.  However, in the example above, had I just went to my husband, voiced my concerns, and let it go from there, I would have been being proactive.  Instead, I was reactive and I stuck my nose in business where it didn’t belong.  Wives and stepmoms often make this mistake.  They feel as if they have to take on every single issue that their husbands have with their ex-wives because they feel the excess pressure may fall upon them to handle.  However, this is not the case.  It is your husband’s responsibility to handle issues that involve his ex-wife.  Here are some tips in handling this situation should it ever become an issue within your modern family:

• Do not take on responsibilities that are not your own.  When the battle is not yours — don’t try to fight the war!
• Do not take responsibility for fixing everyone and every situation.  If the bio parents aren’t overly worried about a situation with your step-child, you should probably let the problem go too!
• Activities that take place in your spouse’s ex-spouse’s home (i.e., child support, school activities or issues that bio parents are dealing with) — not your responsibility to handle.  Let it go!
• Stop forcing getting your point across, if you can’t control it, let it go!

For me, realizing that fact that not needing to be overly worried about the issues between my step-daughter’s parents doesn’t mean I don’t love my step-daughter any less and it doesn’t mean I am less of a parent.  It just means that, at times, step-parents need to step back and let the bio parents do their jobs.  Be proactive about change in your life instead of reactive.  You will find it is a huge stress reliever.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Holiday Parenting Time

Pull out the file, blow off the dust and let’s get it started.  During the holidays, many a court order have been pulled out of the dusty file folders they call home and referred to because holiday parenting schedules always seem to conflict.  Parents become monsters during the holidays and children inevitably get stretched like a rubber band between the two of them.  Albeit, a lot of non-custodial parents have no idea that in every custody/visitation order, there is usually a holiday parenting schedule.  Some are notated with language such as “as per the Michigan state guideline, etc.”  In our state, it is posted on our Secretary of State’s website for anyone to obtain if need be.  It describes in detail other breaks as well such as Summer, Spring and Fall.

During the holidays, another issue that has parents in conflict at times is the issue of religion.  Although most parents agree on the issue of religion, there are still those that do not.  This issue becomes sticky when one parent is exercising his/her visitation during the holidays and is asked by the other parent  for permission to interrupt their visitation time in order to take their child to a special service, play or choir concert.  Should the other parent exercising visitation concede during their visitation time to allow the other parent to attend with the child?  In Indiana, a case just like this was just heard by the Indiana Court of Appeals.  In their decision, the court indicated that whether the child must attend services is the prerogative of the parent exercising parenting time.  In other words, no, the parent is not required to take the child to services, or allow the other parent to interrupt his/her parenting time to take the child to services (Source: www.indianadivorceblog.com).

In Michigan, holiday parenting time is made very clear.  Both parents’ individual holiday and break times are spelled out in either even or odd years and are very specific and well written, even down to weekly/daily telephone contact.  (Source:  Michigan Parenting Time Guideline).  In Ohio, different counties have different guidelines and these guidelines are usually attached when the original custody/visitation order is made.  When orders are spelled out in this manner, it makes for far less drama and conflict during special times of the year.

To avoid stress during these festive times, make your plans ahead of time and discuss same with your co-parent(s).  Do your best to be flexible (this goes both ways), you don’t have to control everything!  Feel free and let go.  Remember, your child loves both of you.  Encourage them to have fun and to enjoy their time away.  Lastly, to alleviate unnecessary stress, take one another’s religious beliefs and traditions into consideration before the start of the holidays.  Discuss them ahead of time so it doesn’t have to be an issue.  It’s about mutual respect.

Remember, one goal to good parenting is ensuring that you are reserving your time for your child, whether you are the custodial or non-custodial parent.  Your time is precious to your precious one.  It is your responsibility and most certainly in the best interest of the child you share together.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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