Dads’ Summer Visitation

May 17, 2010 By Leave a Comment

bwfathersonWith Summer quickly approaching, a lot of non-custodial parents (who are usually dads) are about to embark on yet another Summer visitation.  With that being said, having a productive Summer visitation with your children should be on every dad’s wish list.  Most people see Summer visitation as images of beaches, amusement parks, going to bed late and getting up even later.   However, while our children deserve to have fun during the Summer, it should also be a productive time for them as well.  While our children undoubtedly are expectant of a fun Summer visitation, dads need to be careful not to “over do” or for a lack of better words, fall into the trap of the “disneyland dad” syndrome.  Summer visitation is a very important bonding time with your children, which should be fairly uninterrupted by the custodial parent, but also time that should be balanced by productiveness.

Being able to spend extra quality time with your children and making lasting memories with them will take them through the rest of their lives.  With that,  creating a positive experience during this time can be challenging without good preparation.  As such, preparation should also include your children.  Making plans ahead of time with your children’s involvement can be a fun activity.  For example, making weekly phone calls and perhaps exchanging emails to discuss updates and new plans.  By doing this you also strengthen the communication between yourself and  your children as well.  By making them a part of the planning, they will feel that their voices are being heard and their ideas considered as well.

Remember, by using your extended time well with your children, you will be making lasting memories that will pay great dividends in the future.  As parents, the most precious gift we can give our children is that of our time.  Your personal investment in spending time with your children is worth much more than any gift you can buy them.

Here are a few planning tips for you dads who might struggle with planning for your Summer visitations:

  • Turn off the TV and you and your children sit down together and make your Summer activity “Wish List.”
  • Plan a Summer road trip.  Whether it be a day trip or a weekend trip, explore new ground.
  • Institute the “Summer Book Club.”  Read with your children.  Check out books at the library or purchase them and have family discussions about same.  This is a great, fun way to incorporate the much needed reading time over the Summer.
  • Hit your local museums for the day.  Another way to incorporate education.
  • Organize a family reunion.  Take the extra time to allow your children to visit your extended family.
  • Volunteer.  There are lot of opportunities for people of all ages to volunteer.  Volunteering teaches humility, self-respect, respect for others, and most importantly, builds character in our children.  Teaching children to give of themselves is a life-long lesson that they will pass on for years to come.
  • Check out fun Summer day camps.  All children benefit from social interaction outside of school.

Lastly, keep in mind, especially if there is a large geographical difference between your home and the custodial parents home, that Summer visitation can be an emotional time for children.  Helping them to prepare ahead of time helps to calm their anxieties.  Allowing your children to have somewhat frequent contact with the custodial parent gives them a sense of security and helps to calm their nerves about becoming homesick.  However, its also important that custodial parents remember how important it is for their children to have that uninterrupted quality/bonding time with the non-custodial parent as it makes for extremely well-rounded children who are filled with self-esteem because they are encouraged to have healthy relationships with both of their parents.

May your Summer visitation be productive, filled with lasting memories and full of fun times!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Dwayne Wade’s Estranged Wife is Suing His New Girlfriend

May 6, 2010 By 1 Comment
Dwayne Wade

Dwayne Wade

I really thought I had experienced and heard it all before as a stepmother, but this just takes the cake.

Associated Press recently reported that the Miami Heat basketball star, Dwayne Wade’s estranged wife is allegedly suing Dwayne Wade’s new girlfriend, actress, Gabrielle Union! Why? Because she alleged that her ex-husband’s new relationship is causing her and their two sons, ages 8 and 2, emotional distress!

The two separated in 2007 and have been in engaged in a contentious divorce battle ever since. Adding to this nasty battle, the former Mrs. Wade, allegedly filed this lawsuit, which lists her two sons as plantiffs, in Chicago earlier this week. In it, she claims that Union engaged in sexual foreplay (hugging and kissing) in front of the boys (side note: I guess she was able to do this all by herself) causing them “severe emotional and mental distress.” Get this…It also claims that her boys only received “medium sized gifts” from Wade this year while Union received the “biggest gift of them all.”

Additionally, Wade’s estranged wife expressed that Union often plays the roles of the super sexy seductress, and has apparently “decided to take that role off the film and into the home of a married man, and in the presence of his two minor children.”  As such, she is seeking damages in excess of $50,000!

Union issued a statement insisting that the allegations were indeed false and Dwayne said that they are “baseless and meritless.”

The court ultimately rejected these claims as frivolous and Union apologized to the Cook County court for taking up their time for these “erroneous” claims.

Gabrielle Union

Gabrielle Union

Wade’s soon to be ex-wife also claimed in the suit that Wade’s oldest son has been suffering from anxiety resulting in “severe hair loss and bald spots” and the younger son is suffering from feelings of rejection and depression (side note: apparently this is Union’s fault, too and the fact that the two decided to divorce BEFORE she came along doesn’t matter).

A friend of Wade’s estranged wife claims that the former Mrs. Wade threatened to find a gun and shoot the basketball star and voluntarily admitted herself into an Illinois hospital to deal with anger related issues; however, Mrs. Wade says that the allegations are false and has filed a suit against her for libel and slander.

Finally, the attorneys who represented Wade’s estranged wife in the divorce has been excused from the case, citing an “impasse and irreconcilable differences” between attorney and client.

My Commentary: As the former long time girlfriend of a basketball player, with whom I share a child, I know how that world can be and therefore, I am not excusing certain behaviors. I also know how painful separation and divorce can be for all parties involved; however, it’s not the girlfriend and in some case, new wife’s fault. You can’t blame EVERYTHING on the newcomer.  In this case, the divorced parents need to hold themselves accountable for how they are affecting their children throughout this process. Hugging and kissing isn’t what is causing their son emotional distress to the point that his hair is falling out. Mom and/or dad who act impulsively, put their kids in the middle of frivolous court battles, and  apparently aren’t communicating like adults who want to cause as minimal damage as possible to their children, are the ones who are the cause of their childrens’ emotional and mental distress.

There’s no debate that divorce is hard, especially when it includes deceptive acts such as cheating, but what’s done is done. He cheated, he’s moved on, and though it may not be easy, you have to move on to. Don’t make a bad situation worse by throwing your children directly in the middle of a court battle. Instead, pick yourself up, dust yourself off and focus on you and your children.

Moving forward, I hope that they can work out their differences without causing further damage to their two beautiful children; they certainly don’t deserve this. I wish them all the very best as they try to work this out.

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Crisis in the Family Court System

April 18, 2010 By 8 Comments

familycourtsCrisis in the family court system was the topic of a Dr. Phil show that aired a couple of days ago. He wanted to know if the legal system was letting our children down, and according to the testimonies of his guests, it is! His guests stories were centered around domestic violence and the women who pleaded with the family court judges to order supervised visitation out of fear that their ex-husbands would harm or even kill their children. After several attempts, the judges assumed that the women were lying and denied their requests for supervised visits and/or restraining orders. As a result, the ex-husbands were able to follow through with their threats and ended up killing their own children, just so that their mother wouldn’t have them either. My heart ached for these women as I can imagine how they must feel knowing that they tried to stop such a horrific act from occurring, but couldn’t persuade a judge to listen to them.

My answer to the above-mentioned question; is the family court system failing our children, is a resounding yes! Having said that, there is some benefit to adhering to certain legal orders in family court. For example, visitation orders which indicate days and times of visitation prevent mom and dad from arguing over who gets the child, when and for how long. I have often expressed, however, that overall the courts rarely act in the best interest of the children for a few reasons:

The Most Persuasive Argument

Judges are taught and programmed to pay the most attention to the most persuasive argument and usually the most persuasive argument comes from the most experienced attorney or an extremely charismatic individual who is representing his or herself.  This does not mean that this argument is coming from or for the person who is actually acting in the best interest of the child. It simply means that he or she had the most money to hire an experienced, really good attorney or he or she is a damn good con artist. Judges are only concerned with the facts and not the emotion, so it’s best that you present your case and back it up with some concrete evidence (emails, text messages, saved voice mails, letters, witness statements…). Going to court and pleading your undying love for your children and/or saying that you fear for their lives, apparently and unfortunately, won’t cut it.  They will only assume that you are lying and will do anything so that he will rule in your favor.

Influenced by Societal Perception

We often forget that judges are not little forms of God; they are human and therefore are influenced by society as well as what they see in the media regarding divorce and remarriage. Some judges just automatically think that dad is a deadbeat because it is what society has believed and projected for so long. Whether it is through a movie, talk show, television show, magazine, etc. , they form their overall opinions from those types of mediums, especially if they haven’t experienced divorce or stepfamily life themselves.  That being said, recently society has created a new perception called the lying mother. No matter what she says, she’s just lying because she wants to keep her children away from their father. Judges will be persuaded to go with one of those two scenarios and unfortunately, most times they’ve already made up their minds based on the view they’ve received from the media instead of paying close attention to the individual case.

Lack of Knowledge

divorcedparentsMost judges have no personal experience regarding the dynamics of divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life and therefore rely on what they’ve heard (usually in the media as mentioned above) to give the final ruling in their cases. They also rely on parental liasons/advocates, individuals who are usually clinical psychologists whom are appointed to provide the judge with information (after talking to both parents and the child), solely based on the best interest of the child. They are appointed to give that unbiased view of the situation so the judge can make an unbiased decision. The problem is that most of these individuals have no or very little knowledge regarding they complex dynamics of divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life either. As such, you just get a bunch of people making a bunch of generalized decisions for children who are caught in the middle.

As a result of the above-mentioned we end up with children who are alienated from their fathers because the judge assumes he’s a deadbeat and their mother is the victim. We end up with children who are awarded custody to abusers because the judge assumes the mother is lying and the father isn’t a deadbeat. And all these generalized decisions definitely aren’t in the best interest of the children. The question that remains, however, is how do we attempt to fix a broken family court system. In my personal and professional opinion, blogs, magazines, books, etc., written by people who are actually or have experienced divorce, remarriage and stepfamily life, will help to shed some light on the different types of issues that these modern families face. In my professional opinion, we need more advocates (stepfamily therapists) in the system who are really knowledgeable on the issues of the stepfamily, divorce and remarriage and those individuals are people who are living or have lived it.

Overall, judges in the family court system need to realize that there isn’t a one size fits all approach to ruling in these types of cases. Not all dads are deadbeats. Some mothers do purposely alienate their children from their fathers out of nothing but spite. BUT, not all mothers alienate their children without good reason. Some mothers have been abused, know that their ex-husbands aren’t stable and fear for their children’s lives. As such, it’s important to pay close attention to the facts and in some cases, where extreme allegations are made (he said he would kill my children), to err on the side of caution. If a mother approaches the court expressing that her ex-husband had made threats to, or she just feels like he will kill her children if supervised visitation isn’t granted, that judge has let those kids down if he doesn’t even take the appropriate steps to prove or disprove that allegation. She could be lying, but she also could be telling the truth, and if she is, I certainly wouldn’t want that on my conscious! Finally, judges need to pay more attention to the children and not the war between the parents. If a child has to be carried away, kicking and screaming, for visitation with the non-custodial or custodial parent, that speaks volumes so listen! Children are good indicators as to what’s going on in the home. Don’t be so quick to assume that the other parent must be brainwashing the child as this isn’t always the case. And in most cases, even if one parent is brainwashing the child, it wouldn’t result in the child being forced to visit the parent kicking and screaming. That child may be more disrespectful toward the parent and/or a step-parent, but he or she wouldn’t fear going to visit.

The above mentioned scenarios are the types of situations that warrant a qualified stepfamily coach, counselor or therapist to aid the court system with determining what’s best for the children. The family court system has let our children down in one way or another and it shouldn’t continue to happen. Parents approach the court when they can’t work it out on their own and they shouldn’t feel even more discouraged after leaving court. Doing so, causes and motivates them to take matters into their own hands, and in most cases, that is never a good thing.

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Montel Williams – Bad Father or Parental Alienation?

January 30, 2010 By 1 Comment
*Jan 14 - 00:05*

Montell Williams II and Wyntergrace

Montel Williams’ two children say the talk show host, who tried to paint himself as a responsible and devoted father, has all but abandoned them amid a bitter custody battle.

“My dad is now like a stranger,” his 14-year-old daughter, Wyntergrace, tells the ‘New York Daily News’. “Everyone knows him as a great guy, but he’s not making the best choices as a parent.”

Williams, who won Emmys hosting his daytime show, currently hosts a radio show and sells a number of products for ‘Living Well’.

But, despite receiving over $18,000 a month in child support for the two of them, the kids say they are missing the emotional support they need.

“I wouldn’t say I really have a relationship with my dad,” she says. “He’s not in my life right now. It’s his choice. I eat every night. I’m comfortable, but I can’t say I have him as a father. There’s all this fighting over things that shouldn’t be a fight, like paying for my PSAT.”

Wyntergrace says she’s seen him four times in five years and their last meeting didn’t go well.

“He walked in already mad. He said he thought we were going to dinner, but my email clearly said we were going to see my therapist,” she explains. “It was intimidating. I was thinking, ‘Why should I talk if I’m just going to get yelled at?’”

In response to the story, Montel says he doesn’t want to get into it: “I love my children very much. I do not believe parenting is best done in a public forum and I will not comment on ongoing legal action involving my minor children.”

Montel and Grace Morley, who divorced in 2000, have joint custody, and have been engaged in a 10 year fight over the children. Morley wants full custody but the 53-year-old is refusing to give up his decision making power.

“He has been trying to go out to dinner with them, to call them, to speak to them. And he’s been unable to accomplish that at a reasonable level,”  his lawyer said, according to a transcript.

This story was first published by the NY Daily News.

My response to this story:

After supporting my husband through his battle, with his ex-wife, over their son for nearly a decade, I am never quick to believe the whole “the father abandoned his kids” story. I know that there is always more than one side to the story. It’s just that the custodial mom’s side is the one that is often told and sympathized with by the court system. Additionally, it’s unfortunate that the kids walk away from these type of situations with a tainted view of their father which is often based on half truths.

That being said,  let me point out some of the inconsistencies that I see in this story.

  1. I know more than a few actual deadbeat fathers. These fathers have never supported their children. They walked away and didn’t look back. They have evaded the child support system and aren’t the least bit interested in financially or emotionally supporting their children. I know a few of  these fathers personally! Out of all of them, NONE have paid child support or engaged in a 10 year fight with their ex over anything. Why would a man battle over children that he has supposedly abandoned and doesn’t care about? What I have seen, however, are custodial moms who make it darn near impossible for a man to remain actively involved, but then complain that he’s not involved, and those fathers are the ones who have been fighting for years to remain even minimally involved in their children’s lives.
  2. Those same deadbeat dads that I mentioned earlier don’t have or desire to have joint custody. They don’t refuse to give up their decision making power over kids they don’t care about.
  3. I also don’t know fathers who supposedly abandon their children, but try to call them, speak to them or have dinner with them, but has been unable to at a reasonable level. BUT, I do know custodial moms who are completely unreasonable when it comes to the terms by which the father can see his children. For example, you can see them only if you come to my house and your wife is not around. Or, you can see them from 1-3pm, on a weekday, when she knows the father has to work. Williams’ lawyer is probably referring to similar terms when he alleges that he has been unable to see them at a reasonable level.

As I stated, there is always more than one side to these contentious ex-husband vs. ex-wife/mother vs father stories and the kids are often times caught in the middle. Additionally, they are left to draw their own conclusions, which are usually based on half truths or just plain lies. Dads in this situation usually try to protect their children by not revealing their side of the story, hoping that one day the truth will come out on its own. The problem is that these children have often endured years of mom’s story and begin to believe that it’s the whole truth and nothing but. And by the time dad has an opportunity to tell his story, when the kids are older, the kids often times, don’t want to hear it.

I hope that Montel Williams can work it out with his children. More importantly, I hope that Grace Morley supports their relationship because it is what’s best for them.

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Negotiating in Your Modern Family

January 14, 2010 By 2 Comments

fightingfairPeople routinely bargain and negotiate with one another.  Each person will take their position, argue their points and try to make concessions thereafter in order to negotiate or bargain for a productive outcome to fit their needs.  This analogy holds true for today’s modern family as well.  In particular, bio parents negotiate with one another regarding issues of custody and visitation and often children of divorce use bargaining to effectuate their wants and needs between their parents as well.

As we all know, bargaining can of course also be a useful tool.  However, it can at times work against us and become inefficient when dealing with modern family issues.  For example, instead of following the court order regarding visitation (i.e., during holidays and school breaks), one parent or the other often re-negotiates the original agreement with the expectation that it will please everyone, only to be disappointed when the outcome goes awry.   In this case, bargaining and negotiating the court order probably did more harm than good.  As such, to avoid these type of issues, following the established court order is the best way to go.

Another example of ineffective bargaining is bargaining over positions in your modern family.  For example, your wife has made an arrangement with her ex-husband and hasn’t consulted you.  You state your position that you should be involved in every decision regardless of whether the outcome affects you personally or not when in fact, if the the outcome doesn’t involve you, it really isn’t necessary that the issue be discussed with you.  However, this type of positional bargaining will always become a battle.  Your husband won’t give in and you won’t either and now you have an all out war on your hands.  Each task after that becomes conflicted because you both don’t want to change your positions.  After which, the result ends in resentment and the original concern that got you there in the first place often get lost in space.  Positional bargaining in your marriage can be detrimental for the mere fact that we are  humans and we have strong emotions.  Often, however, we allow our emotions to take over our perception of the actual issue or problem we are faced with.  This particularly holds true for members of today’s modern family.  If we decide to attack the problem instead of the person, we have effectively taken the “bargaining position” out of the problem and we can then effectively negotiate.  As long as we are not owning problems that aren’t ours to own. 

Lesson:  Bargain or negotiate only over things that you can control within your family.

Furthermore, we have to keep in mind that negotiating in a bio/nuclear family is totally different than negotiating or bargaining in a modern/step family. In a bio/nuclear family, there are two adults with whom to negotiate and consider, and that’s the two biological parents. In a modern/step family there are at least three and sometimes four or more adults with whom to negotiate and consider, which often times makes negotiating way more difficult.   The paradigm that I like to describe this with is it would be like playing chess with the rules of checkers.  Communicating issues, concerns and options with the members of your modern family is fantastic and healthy, but knowing when the bargaining tactic is not useful helps as well.

One of the best books I have ever read on this issue is titled “Getting to Yes – Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In” by Roger Fisher and William Ury.  I read this book years ago when I was having issues with my ex.  The book says, and I quote, “how you see the world depends on where you sit.”  That is the most powerful statement in the book.  The authors go on to say that each person in conflict usually can only see their side of a problem and also only see the faults of the other, however, it is the ability to see the situation as the other person sees it (whether it is your husband or wife, ex-spouses, children or step-children), as difficult as that may may be, is one of the most important values and skills you can ever possess.

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Modern Family Adjustments–Are You Proactive or Reactive?

January 10, 2010 By 5 Comments

coupleswingchildRecently, within my own modern family, a situation arose that required adjustment by all members of our modern family.  Without going into too much personal detail, the conflict was related to an issue between my husband and his ex-wife where an adjustment was being made that would affect our household.  Because I am not a perfect person, and I don’t always have all of the answers, my response to this adjustment is the reason I decided to write this post.  I wanted to share with you readers what I learned about making adjustments in a modern/blended family.

When this situation was brought to my attention, instead of taking a proactive approach and allowing my husband to handle what he needed to within our household, I made a reactive decision that caused a lot of stress within my modern family.  I immediately called my husband’s ex-wife and questioned her about the issue.  Instead of being proactive and talking to my husband about my feelings and allowing him to come up with a solution (which is his responsibility — not mine), I made that reactive decision to call and involve myself, as a wife and stepmom, in an issue that didn’t involve me at all.  The result — I stressed myself and my husband’s ex-wife out completely.

Regardless of the reason, change can be difficult for all parties involved.  Facing new challenges that force adjustments to our family structure naturally come with resistance.  However, in the example above, had I just went to my husband, voiced my concerns, and let it go from there, I would have been being proactive.  Instead, I was reactive and I stuck my nose in business where it didn’t belong.  Wives and stepmoms often make this mistake.  They feel as if they have to take on every single issue that their husbands have with their ex-wives because they feel the excess pressure may fall upon them to handle.  However, this is not the case.  It is your husband’s responsibility to handle issues that involve his ex-wife.  Here are some tips in handling this situation should it ever become an issue within your modern family:

  • Do not take on responsibilities that are not your own.  When the battle is not yours — don’t try to fight the war!
  • Do not take responsibility for fixing everyone and every situation.  If the bio parents aren’t overly worried about a situation with your step-child, you should probably let the problem go too!
  • Activities that take place in your spouse’s ex-spouse’s home (i.e., child support, school activities or issues that bio parents are dealing with) — not your responsibility to handle.  Let it go!
  • Stop forcing getting your point across, if you can’t control it, let it go!

For me, realizing that fact that not needing to be overly worried about the issues between my step-daughter’s parents doesn’t mean I don’t love my step-daughter any less and it doesn’t mean I am less of a parent.  It just means that, at times, step-parents need to step back and let the bio parents do their jobs.  Be proactive about change in your life instead of reactive.  You will find it is a huge stress reliever.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Holiday Parenting Time

December 18, 2009 By 2 Comments

momdaugtherxmastree1Pull out the file, blow off the dust and let’s get it started.  During the holidays, many a court order have been pulled out of the dusty file folders they call home and referred to because holiday parenting schedules always seem to conflict.  Parents become monsters during the holidays and children inevitably get stretched like a rubber band between the two of them.  Albeit, a lot of non-custodial parents have no idea that in every custody/visitation order, there is usually a holiday parenting schedule.  Some are notated with language such as “as per the Michigan state guideline, etc.”  In our state, it is posted on our Secretary of State’s website for anyone to obtain if need be.  It describes in detail other breaks as well such as Summer, Spring and Fall.

During the holidays, another issue that has parents in conflict at times is the issue of religion.  Although most parents agree on the issue of religion, there are still those that do not.  This issue becomes sticky when one parent is exercising his/her visitation during the holidays and is asked by the other parent  for permission to interrupt their visitation time in order to take their child to a special service, play or choir concert.  Should the other parent exercising visitation concede during their visitation time to allow the other parent to attend with the child?  In Indiana, a case just like this was just heard by the Indiana Court of Appeals.  In their decision, the court indicated that whether the child must attend services is the prerogative of the parent exercising parenting time.  In other words, no, the parent is not required to take the child to services, or allow the other parent to interrupt his/her parenting time to take the child to services (Source: www.indianadivorceblog.com).

In Michigan, holiday parenting time is made very clear.  Both parents’ individual holiday and break times are spelled out in either even or odd years and are very specific and well written, even down to weekly/daily telephone contact.  (Source:  Michigan Parenting Time Guideline).  In Ohio, different counties have different guidelines and these guidelines are usually attached when the original custody/visitation order is made.  When orders are spelled out in this manner, it makes for far less drama and conflict during special times of the year.

To avoid stress during these festive times, make your plans ahead of time and discuss same with your co-parent(s).  Do your best to be flexible (this goes both ways), you don’t have to control everything!  Feel free and let go.  Remember, your child loves both of you.  Encourage them to have fun and to enjoy their time away.  Lastly, to alleviate unnecessary stress, take one another’s religious beliefs and traditions into consideration before the start of the holidays.  Discuss them ahead of time so it doesn’t have to be an issue.  It’s about mutual respect.

Remember, one goal to good parenting is ensuring that you are reserving your time for your child, whether you are the custodial or non-custodial parent.  Your time is precious to your precious one.  It is your responsibility and most certainly in the best interest of the child you share together.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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The Blame Game!

December 5, 2009 By Leave a Comment

The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny…Albert Ellis – 1913

blamegameThe quote written above is very powerful.  Although Mr. Ellis refers to placing blame on various people, his words are priceless and can be applied to any family whether that be modern or nuclear.

In her prior posts, Kela often talks about “checking your own baggage before you get on the plane!”  I will admit, I have had to do this once or twice myself in the past.  With that being said, when it comes to your own personal situation, it is unfortunately easier said than done to leave blame out of your life and definitely out of your conversations with the person with whom you are experiencing an issue with (i.e., your ex-spouse, your child’s step-parent, your spouse’s ex and even with your own spouse).  Most people come into relationships with baggage and often times they use that baggage as an excuse to justify placing blame on another person because of their own personal issues.  Not only is this unfair to the person you are placing blame on, it is also unfair to yourself.

Working in the legal business and living my own modern family life, I, myself often talk to women and men who are experiencing hardships with the ex or I am told a story by a woman who hates her husband’s ex-wife (and vice verse), etc.  What’s funny is, after lending an listening ear, I come to realize that most of their reasons for blame are usually more about they themselves than about the other person they are blaming.  They refused to check their own baggage before getting on the plane!  Acknowledging your own faults first will help you to communicate more effectively with every member of your modern family.

Keeping blame out of your conversation and your situation isn’t an easy task.  One great way to communicate through a problem is instead of starting the conversation off with the word “You,” use the word “I.”  Using the word “I” is a very powerful tool.   When you address someone with the word “You,” the message you are sending to the other person is “get ready, put your guard up.”  You will automatically create a defensive response from the other person.  The result–ineffective resolution.  Now, at this point, not only are both parties upset, but offended as well.  All that you originally set out to accomplish has been ruined.  By using “I” statements at the beginning of a discussion, you are showing the other party that you are not all about placing blame but that you are able to understand and reflect their feelings so not to cause further conflict.  Using “I” statements instead of immediately placing blame is in essence “checking your own baggage.”

Being capable of validating and acknowledging your own faults is very liberating and leads to more effective problem solving of the issues.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

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Divorce and Pregnancy

November 19, 2009 By 2 Comments

pregnantwomanAn interesting article caught my attention today in The Indiana Lawyer’s November edition entitled “Common Misconception” written by Rebecca Berfanger.  In her article, Ms. Berfanger discusses the misconception in Indiana among people that couples cannot get divorced in Indiana if the wife discloses that she is pregnant.  She discusses that the basis for this common misconception is likely due in large part to an Indiana statute that requires couples, at the time of filing for divorce, to disclose if the wife is pregnant.  The article goes on to say that with this disclosure, it is ultimately up to the Judge and the circumstances of the case as to whether he or she will grant the divorce.

As I read on, the article specifically notes that in Central Indiana attorneys say that it is extremely rare for a Judge to grant a divorce to a couple with a pregnant wife.   It goes on to say that the reason for requiring this disclosure is due to the public policy issues of having children born outside of a marriage, including who is responsible for the child in terms of financial support, custody and visitation.  However, some Judges will grant the divorce and bifurcate the other issues until after the child is born.

Obviously, there are all kinds of reasons why people choose to divorce, but after reading this article, my first thought was “what if the relationship is abusive?”  The article mentions that if this reason is presented to the court, a Judge may still require a couple to wait until after the child is born, but obviously, other protections can be put into place.  The whole article can be read in its entirety at www.theindianalawyer.com.

BFSO readers, I would love to hear your opinions and feelings about this issue.  Do you feel that a couple should be restricted on divorcing if there is a pregnancy involved?  I look forward to hearing from you.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Filed Under: parenting, Stepfamilies Tagged With: , , ,

Aren’t divorce decrees supposed to provide more structure?

November 14, 2009 By 3 Comments

stk23561sisReader’s Question: I have two challenges that I could use some help with….
I have been divorced since May ’08. My ex is presently in Mexico getting remarried. They called tonight to leave a message for our 7 year old daughter. After her message, their phone line did not cut off and the machine taped several minutes of them bad mouthing me and making comparative and hurtful statements. (These were all perspectives on me, our relationship and the break-up that I had never heard before.) When we split, my ex had been more compassionate and insightful about our relationship and seemed to view it within a holistic context in which we each shared responsibility in both its success and “failure”. We are already relating poorly and now I really feel like I cannot trust him (them). How can we move out of this when our perspectives are so radically different?

The second challenge is in our child custody arrangement (and relates to the first challenge as well). My ex is an ER doc. He argued that he cannot commit to a regular schedule as his shifts are inconsistent. He also has never felt strongly about maintaining a relationship with our daughter- feeling like he couldn’t do it because of his work- and, that the adoption was my idea and he didn’t really want to do it. He couldn’t quite admit this in court so he did agree to average 10 days a month with her. When he is with her, he seems to enjoy his time and she enjoys being with him. What’s happened is that he gets looser and looser with following through. (Doesn’t let us know his schedule until the last minute, doesn’t follow through with his agreements, schedules trips without coordinating as agreed…) When confronted, he rebels. His words and actions don’t match. Out of frustration, I said I was ready to go back to court to establish a consistent schedule so that we would all know what to expect and could plan our lives. He reacted by stating he would argue for physical custody (which I now have) and would stop paying child support. So, its all or nothing. How can I work with this while maintaining some boundaries for our daughter and myself?

BTW, these entanglements are similar to ones I had hoped to divorce myself from in the marriage. I really thought that the divorce decree would provide more structure and I would have more autonomy. Ironically, I still feel controlled.

My Response: First off, let me assure you that I can identify with how you feel as I have been where you are. I’m sorry that you are experiencing the same pain.

I can understand you being a little, well maybe even a lot, upset by the comments you overheard your ex and his new wife saying. It’s always hurtful to hear someone saying things that aren’t so nice about us. That being said, I’m an avid believer in truly accepting your reality. The reality is that even though you may not have heard these things before doesn’t mean that your ex never felt this way. It only means that he was ‘kind’ enough not to say it to your face. If you’re really honest with yourself, I’m certain that you’ve said some not so nice things about him, too. After all, you said that you two were already relating poorly, so don’t be too quick to blame this one phone call (that you weren’t even supposed to hear) on your inability to trust him at this point. That phone call has nothing to do with the child and if you have any chance at co-parenting effectively, you must learn to separate the two. I tell all of my divorced parents to be conscious of “I” versus “our child” statements. If all of the statements out of your mouth are…”I was hurt when you…,” “I didn’t like it when you…,” “It makes me sad when you…,” then how you’re feeling probably has more to do with you than with your child. Your perspective on how your relationship ended bears no relevance in how you move forward to raise your daughter. One has nothing to do with the other and you must adopt this mentality if you want a chance in co-parenting effectively in the future.

girldivorce1That being said, this next issue is definitely about your daughter. Children definitely benefit from consistent meaningful contact with both parents. I can certainly understand, however, his work schedule, as an ER doctor generally isn’t a 9 to 5 profession. What was your husband’s work schedule like before the divorce? Did he consistently spend quality time with your daughter when you were married? If not, it isn’t realistic to think that he would change when you divorce. I’m certainly not condoning his behavior. I’m simply trying to get you to accept your reality. When we truly accept our reality we know how to move forward. But if you have a false sense of reality, your expectations will likely far exceed what they should.

I was in your position at one point, too. My ex was and honestly, still is (from a physical and emotional standpoint), very inconsistent. He is an overseas basketball player and he too blames his actions on his work schedule. I used to fight, but now I just don’t anymore. The court order (we have an order for consistent visitation in place), fighting, or even communicating in a friendly way hasn’t changed him and never will. I realized that he has to make that decision all on his own and hope that our son is here to receive him when and if that happens. You stated that you thought about going back to court to establish a more consistent visitation schedule, but that will only work if your ex-husband decides to follow that schedule. Unfortunately, he will not do so until he realizes the importance of doing so.

Reader, there really is no easy answer to setting boundaries for you and your daughter. Yes, the divorce decree is SUPPOSED to provide more structure but that only happens when both parents mutually agree to put their child’s interest above their own. It simply doesn’t work, if you both aren’t on the same page. And, there is ALWAYS compromise involved when trying to get on the same page. You can’t expect him to meet you where you are and he can’t expect the same of you. You BOTH are going to have to make some concessions in order for you to communicate effectively enough to co-parent! Also, be advised that it hasn’t even been a year and it’s going to take some time to move past the hurt and to a peaceful existence. Often times, when we are stewing over hurt feelings we don’t focus on what’s right because we don’t want to. It’s a natural human reaction to being hurt and pissed off. Allow you both to have some time to move past it instead of assuming that you are automatically going to be the loving happy divorced parents who co-parent their child perfectly. Trust me, it takes time to get to that point, if you even arrive at that point at all. It’s all about accepting your reality.

So, my suggestion would be to try to COMMUNICATE with instead of CONFRONTING your ex-husband. When you confront someone it automatically puts them on the defensive. Remember, you’re not interested in being right or attacking him. Your main goal is to communicate, with an intent to understand, so that you can begin to co-parent your daughter in a manner that is most beneficial to her. You set the tone for how things are to going operate from this point on.

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