Dealing With Stress of a New Baby

Babies are super cute, soft, cuddly and they just melt your heart with the soft blink of their eyes or that unintentional smile. However, there is a dark side that no one tells you about bringing home your little darling and that is they come with an enormous amount of stress. Sleepless nights, unpredictable schedules, poopy diapers and constant attention can often times wreak havoc on a couple; as if our modern families aren’t complicated enough. Because everything is about the baby and initally, most of the responsibility of caring for the baby falls on one of you, when the excitement of the baby wears off, some couples find themselves estranged.

A month or so ago I remember one of the ladies on Momversation brought up this very topic. Heather Armstrong from Dooce chimed in by saying that when she and her husband first had children, it took them a while to develop that “tag team” dynamic. I thought that was a cute and appropriate way of putting it because you really do have to have some superb teamwork in order to handle a baby AND maintain your sanity and marriage.  Below are some things that my husband and I have learned as we work together to raise our little cutie, make time for the older boys, ourselves AND  each other.

1. Realize that you are experiencing a normal situation and it doesn’t mean that you can’t get back that lovin’ feeling.
2. If you’re missing your spouse, let him or her know that. I know that not eating or sleeping right can make you cranky and irritable all the time, so sometimes it just may good for your spouse to hear, “I miss you.”
3. If either of you are feeling overwhelmed, talk about it and work together to divide household chores and parenting duties.
4. Make sure both of you have time away from the baby for at least one hour per day (this is for my stay at home parents). You need that time to rejuvenate so that your body doesn’t completely shut down. Don’t cook or clean during this time (that is not a break)! Put your feet up, watch your favorite show, go visit a good friend or take a hot bubble bath by candle light.
5. After you put the baby to sleep, carve out 30 minutes of “grown up” time. Talk to each other, cuddle, have some dessert together or you may even have time for a “quickie.”
6. Realize that this too shall pass. This is just a phase in your lives. Remember, babies grow up, eventually sleep through the night and become less and less dependent on you. Try to keep this in mind and instead of being consumed by the stress, enjoy this sweet little baby while he or she is young.

The Challenging Role of Stepdad

Being a step-parent takes perseverance.   The stepdad experience can be challenging, and at the same time, rewarding for some men.  For those going through the challenging times, I hope that this article will provide you some tools that you can use to get you through this time.

Some adult children of divorce that I have spoken to have said that the fact that their stepdads did “not” have to stay in their lives or to necessarily “be” a father to them, but they did anyway, spoke volumes to them and to their self-esteem once they were able to get past the “juvenile” issues that most children of divorce experience.  If their biological father was still alive  and didn’t make much of an effort to “father” them and their stepfather did, they felt like as children, they idolized the person who was absent because it was easy to fault the parents who were making them obey the rules, do their homework and clean their rooms; basically the person who helped to provide them structure.  However, it wasn’t until their late teens, early twenties that they realized what the title, “father” really meant and for several of them, that meant their “stepfather.”

One of the pitfalls that some stepdads face is the mere fact that their wives only want them to parent when there are good times.  When bad or challenging times hit, some of the complaints I hear from stepdads is that  they are not allowed to be a parent.  However, as Kela and I have often discussed in prior posts, being a reinforcement for the biological parents at all times, including when the bio parents aren’t available is key.  Children need and want structure and discipline.  Structure and discipline equals love.

Recently, I read a great article written by Ron Deal (Founder and President of Successful Stepfamilies) called The Effective Stepfather:  A Checklist to Live By.  In his article, Mr. Deal states that “Stepfathering can be challenging.  Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities.  The unmapped territory seems to have many land mines and it’s easier to just retreat than to engage the “enemy.”

Some of the struggles stepdads face are all too common.  For example, a great number of stepchildren will have a hard time accepting their stepfather and will often defy his decisions and cause all kinds of chaos and frustration within the blended family.  Another example of struggles stepdads face is the expectation process with their stepchildren.  Often times, men come into the stepfather relationship expecting that their stepchildren will automatically respect them and hold them in high regard.  For the children involved, they have to immediately take heed that you are in their life whether they like it or not;  however, what we as parents fail to realize is that we chose to get a divorce and to remarry, our children did not.  The drastic changes they are going through need to be met with realistic expectations and understanding.

Here are a few tips from Mr. Deal’s checklist to focus on in your journey:

• Initially Provide Indirect Leadership.  There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships:  1) positional power and 2) relational power.  Initially, you have positional power (because of being the male head of household) but later comes the relational power (the ability to form a relationship).  Take your time.
• Express Your Commitment.  Articulate your commitment to your wife but keep in mind, however, that early on this won’t necessarily be considered a positive by your stepchildren.  In fact, they may be threatened by it.  Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it.
• Communicate Your Role.  It’s important to verbalize your understanding of your role in the beginning.  Children need to hear that you know that you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place.  Tell your stepchildren you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for them.
• Be Approachable.  Part of being approachable and accessible to stepchildren is knowing that not everything is about you.  In fact, most of kid’s negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child’s losses (stepparents just happen to be the easy target for the child’s heartache).
• Manage Stress and Your Anger.  Children are quick to forgive biological parents when they make mistakes (and we all do).  But they aren’t as forgiving of stepparents.  When stress and conflict arise (and they will) make sure you manage yourself well.

As Mr. Deal so eloquently states, and I agree, “Keep in mind that one task for children is to determine whether loving their stepfather is worth the risk.  Give them every reason to believe it is.”

To me, the above statement holds true for both stepfathers and stepmothers.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Favorite Child…Is It Ok or Betrayal?

The subject is taboo.  It’s unheard of for a parent to admit that he or she has a favorite child.  However, research says otherwise.  A recent research survey conducted by Netmums, one of the UK’s most popular websites, indicates that one out of every six mothers has a favorite child.  In this study, over 1000 mothers were surveyed and 16% admitted that they had a favorite child.

I am sure some of you readers have felt at times like you had more in common with one of your children over the other.  At times, I have wondered how I had 3 boys that were so entirely different from one another.  I understand that differences are what makes each of your children unique and individual, but on the other hand, those same differences are also what makes them more likable, easier to love, etc. due to the fact that one child may constantly cause disruptions and stress and the other may not.  In that case,  it would be normal to have feelings of favoritism.

Albeit hard to admit,  I think the studies performed so far are wrong.  Because there is so much shame in having these feelings,  I am sure there are plenty more mothers that feel this way, but just can’t bring themselves to admit it, due to the suppression of their feelings. Once again, it’s a taboo subject, especially for a mother.  On the other hand, it’s more acceptable for fathers to have these feelings about their children. For example, a father may prefer to spend more time with his son because of common interest, as opposed to having a tea party or attending a beauty pageant with his daughter.

Dr. Ellen Weber-Libby, a clinical psychologist in Washington, D.C. states, in her very interesting article entitled “Do Parents Have Favorite Children?”, that having these feelings are very normal and exist in every family.   She goes on to discuss the fact that no two children are identical which makes it impossible for any two children to be treated the same.

Some would say that favoring one child over the other is cruel.  Dr. Weber-Libby states, “Favoritism becomes cruel when consistently the same child is singled out for preferential treatment awarded because of parental bias. This child may be one of many or an only child. What is important is that the rewards experienced by the child reflect parental need to emotionally indulge the child and not the child’s behavior.” With that, Dr. Weber-Libby goes on to state, “When parents hold favorite children accountable to the same standards as other children, then the presence of cruelty is unlikely.”

We here at Today’s Modern Family are of the belief that healthy dialogue and discussion promotes change.  Being armed with this information, I wanted to conduct my own survey of our Today’s Modern Family readers.  Tell me, do you have a favorite child?  If so, do you suppress your feelings regarding the issue?  Or, are you of the opinion that having a favorite child is cruel and unusual?  I would love to hear your thoughts and opinions on the matter.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The Hidden Truth: A Father’s Journey-Part 1

 In Part 1 of my article on bi-sexual fathers, I will be discussing the effects of being a bi-sexual father has on the children involved in their lives.  I will also be discussing a few of the issues gay fathers often face including stigmas, myths and prejudices in our society.  In Part 2 of my article, I will be interviewing a young man who has recently made an unremarkable journey in his life, realizing and coming to terms with the fact that he is bi-sexual.  He is a young father of two and an amazing, gifted young man.

In America, it wasn’t until the 1990′s that the gay community made a major appearance in our society.  Before then, gay men and lesbian women stayed “in the closet” because of the stigmas that society placed upon them.  Courts were reluctant to place children in the care of their father if he was gay even though research had shown that being gay had little or no effect on the development of a child’s identity.  Today, a lot has changed.  More and more gay men are adopting children and are even using surrogate mothers to have biological children.  There are thousands of gay men who have stepped up to the plate and are fostering children as well.

Unfortunately, a lot of people still feel that having a gay parent alienates a child’s ability to have a productive social experience and life.  However, as reported in USA Today, research has shown that gay parents who are open with their children about their sexual orientation, who exhibit mentally healthy behavior and provide supportive communities for their kids, tend to have the most resilient youngsters.

In the past, society pretty much ran homosexual or bi-sexual people through the wringer and placed unfair stereotypes upon them.  For example, one standing myth that has frequently reared its ugly head is that if a man is gay, he has to be a child molester because of his same sex attraction even though all the evidence, research and statistics prove that most crimes committed against children are committed by heterosexuals.  Another myth is the one in which I discussed above.  If you are a gay man, you will produce gay children.  Absolutely false.  There is a fabulous book that I am reading entitled Gay Fathers written by Robert Barrett and Bryan Robinson.  In the book, the authors list these additional myths about gay fathers:

·         Disturbed parental relationships myth:  Homosexuals, including gay fathers, have disturbed parental relationships (i.e., cold, rejecting fathers and emotionally smothering mothers);

·         Harassment exposure myth:  Gay fathers expose their children to harassment and embarrassment because of societal disapproval;

·         Sex-fiend myth:  The main goal in life for a gay father is primarily that of sexual gratification.

These are just a few of the myths listed in the book, but some of the most stunning in my opinion.  The truth of the matter is just as there are great heterosexual fathers, there are also great fathers that happen to be either bi-sexual or homosexual as well.  Just like there are bad heterosexual fathers, I am sure there are some homosexual fathers that fall into that same category.  Passing judgment on a gay man’s ability to be a good father just because he is gay or bi-sexual is not only unfair, but despicable.

In all types of families, children will have different experiences.  Children who have gay fathers will excel in life with the same opportunities that a child from a nuclear family will have.  Actually, children who have a gay or lesbian parent usually end up being more socially aware as teenagers and young adults.  They become more socially conscientious to the needs of people who are disadvantaged due to unfair prejudices, stereotypes and stigmas.  A child raised in an alternative marriage environment can be just as emotionally stable as a child who is raised by his mother and father in a traditional marriage.  As long as there is a supportive and loving environment, any child will excel.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this article.  If you are a family in need of help on this topic, I highly suggest you pick up a copy of Gay Fathers by Messrs. Barret and Robinson at your local library.  It is an amazing, encouraging book and one that I will read again.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Overprotecting: How far is too far?

Are you one of those parents that drives your son or daughter to the bus stop one block away from your house or you refuse to let them play outside due to your fear of the unknown?  Or, maybe you are one of those parents that goes way out of your way just to make your child’s life excessively easy.  In the November issue of Family Circle magazine, there is a fabulous article called “Mom Overboard” written by Gay Norton Edelman and Rosalind Wiseman.  The article really touched home with me.  I, myself, am guilty of driving my son to school every day (there is no bus because we are in the walking zone) because before he started Kindergarten, I googled the sex offenders in the area and found there were a few as I am sure there are in every neighborhood in the United States.My little boy is in the 5^th grade now and has asked for a little independence and wants to walk to school with his friends. I have allowed him to walk home on occasion with a group, but this was a huge step for me.

The authors of the Family Circle article said it best, “it used to be simpler to be a mom.”  Can I get an Amen?  Life is much more complex, and unfortunately, some folks nowadays are just plain crazy so I guess you could say I might fall into the category of being a bit overprotective.  My philosophy has always been “it’s better to be safe than sorry.” I, like all parents, want to protect my children,  but I have noticed that when I give my little boy a chance to show that he can be a responsible 11 year old, I am rarely disappointed or have reason to get into full-blown overprotective mom mode.  I have found that most of the time he can do the things I seem to think he is too young to handle (i.e., walking home from school with a group of friends).  It is a matter of learning when to let go and let them be more independent. 

Further, the authors also discuss the issue of teens and tweens and how it is especially challenging today to parent them.  They say, “it used to be simpler to be a mom – you’d set boundaries and offer guidance, give your kids some space and get on with the rest of your life.  Today, not so much.  Now it seems like you’re expected to throw every ounce of your energy into running all aspects of your children’s lives.  With the advances in technology today (i.e., text messaging, cell phones, tweeting) the habit of overparenting has become easy.  According to Jean M. Twenge, Ph.D., research has shown that children who are overparented have an inflated sense of self.  They end up thinking they’re the center of the universe, being immature and not having good self-control.  Overinduldged kids are unprepared to deal with real life because they have not been allowed to practice fighting their own battles and rebounding solo from challenges.  What you end up with, Twenge says, are people who “lack empathy, have relationship problems and react aggressively when things don’t go the way they want.”

Another great point in the article the fact that a lot of parents allow perfectionism to get the best of them.  They set the bar too high for their children and they blur the line between their own ego and their child’s.  For example, they feel that their children’s failure at something is a direct reflection of their failure or disappointment.  In a nutshell, sometimes we have to let them take the “F” and learn the lesson.  The article goes on to say that parents can also get caught up in a vicious cycle of codependency.  For example, a mother devotes all her time and energy to her children and the more she does, the more they rely on her.  She then needs their feedback and everybody is locked into this cycle. 

Teach Your Children to Get to Know You!

In the October issue of the Awake magazine, given to me by my sister-in-law, there were some great unbiased tips and ideas for children on getting to know their parents better.   As I read, it struck me that due to the extremely high divorce rate all over the world, this is a matter that I would like to touch on and hope to inspire some of our BFSO readers to share with their children.    

I remember when I was younger, my mother would tell me stories about her youth and teenage years.   As I stepped into young adulthood and began to make plenty of mistakes, she would elaborate about her mistakes and the lessons she learned from them as well.   I felt blessed to have shared these experiences because sometimes parents are fearful of expressing their mistakes to their children out of fear that their children will think less of them.  However, in my case, some of the mistakes I made were easier to trudge through knowing that my mother had “been there, done that.”  I was more open to listening to her and to learning from the past.

For our children, there is always room for them to get to know us better.  There are many benefits for children in getting to know their parents better.   First, there is so much to learn about their family history, their family lives, their attitudes and perceptions and their love.   Due to the high divorce rates, a lot of us know little or nothing about our parents.  Distance between residences plays a huge role.  However, even if your parents aren’t divorced, they probably haven’t told you everything about themselves.

Here are just a few more benefits that help our children to better understand us:

1.   Your children will gain knowledgeable insight into your point of views.

2.   You will become more comfortable sharing experiences with your children.

3.  Your children will appreciate your efforts to teach them about your life and your family.

Remember, teaching our children about us, as parents, in turn teaches them about life.  For example, sharing with them about our struggles reinforces our decisions when they are having to be made regarding our children (i.e., they will understand why at times we have to be frugal with our money because we always had less materially growing up).  Or, another example of opening up communication might be a father might share the experience of his “first love” with his daughter so that when the time comes that she needs to open up about her first boyfriend or crush, she will be comfortable with talking to her father.   Fathers can teach their daughters so many lessons, but most of the time, shy away from talking to their daughters. 

Teaching our children about our life experiences will help them with their own struggles and frustrations when they themselves reach adulthood.  Obviously, some conversations are hard to initiate like the father/daughter example above, but often times the answers to your children’s questions will lead to a story or some example that you can provide for them. 

Communicating with our children creates strong bonds not to mention when they are older, they will appreciate all of the lessons they have learned, all of the conversations they have had and, most importantly, all that they know about their parents.  Then, they will pass those same lessons on to their own children in the future.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

Reviving the Role of Fathers in Families

I STILL remember my father as a little girl. At five years old I would sit in his lap every night while rubbing on his earlobes until I fell fast asleep.  I remember him playing barbie dolls with me, cooking my favorite meals, calling me pumpkin and Kela Wela.  He was my protector who stood 6’4 in stature with a big deep voice and an even bigger heart. I also remember the times when he would annoy the heck out of me with his rules – no talking on the phone to boys until I was 16, no dating until my senior year in high school and anyone that I did date had better treat his pumpkin right. As a little girl, he made me feel as if I were some sort of prize and I used that feeling to determine my self-worth. From there, I developed my expectations of men. I knew how I should be treated and how I wanted to be treated because of the role that my father played in my life. Before he died, my parents were married for 26 years and whether knowingly or unknowningly, he played a crucial role in my development as an adult and a woman.

Whether society realizes it or not, fathers play an important role in the development of their childrens’ lives. According to researchers at the University of Maryland School of Medicine in Baltimore, children who have fathers in their lives have higher self-esteem, show fewer signs of depression and display higher academic achievements. Additionally, the children who perceive their fathers as supportive feel a greater sense of social acceptance.

The findings of this study applied equally to both boys and girls, black and white and to those with a biological father or a “father figure.”

Despite the findings of this study and similar studies about the essential role of the father in the family, society still chooses to downplay and/or not support or even encourage the role of the father in today’s family. According to the U.S. Census Bureau of 2001, 11% of married moms saw little significance in the father’s role in their childrens’ lives. 42% of divorced moms admitted to interferring with visitation with their childrens’ father because they did not think his role was important enough.

Persuasive suggestions, both direct and indirect, have become ingrained in our culture and lead many mothers and potential mothers to accept the idea that a male father figure just isn’t necessary, let alone ideal. The character of the father is becoming dispensable and the devastating result has been the continuous trivialization of an unequivocal meaningful and fundamental component of the family – daddy!

Now I’m not saying that we have to step back into the fifties where the whole family’s livelihood was dependent upon dad’s authortative role – his income, his mood and his final say. But, we can’t go to the other extreme either in which dad is seemingly not needed. The truth of the matter is that BOTH parents, mom and dad, are essential for the child’s development and neither role should be trivialized!

Fathers must be supported and encouraged in the family instead of being in continuous opposition with the mother or the legal system. This opposition has fathers fleeing altogether as they face the stark realization that over half of them will end up in a family law courtroom where inqequity within the system is extremely apparent. This same legal system has lost its ability to remain impartial and forces fathers who want to be involved and fight to stay involved (not the deadbeats), to financially support children, but strips them of their parental rights (not privileges).  

Earlier I mentioned deadbeat dads and although I loathe their limited to no involvement in their childrens’ lives, after research, I am not so quick to place the blame soley on them anymore. Perhaps their actions stem from a vicious cycle in which they saw mommy take care of them without daddy. As such, they may have rationalized that their children won’t be drastically affected by their absence.

Whatever the case may be, the father’s role needs to be uplifted,supported and revived. Just like we offer “what to know when you are expecting,” lamaaze, and even pre-marital classes in order to ensure that we give our children the best start possible; we also need to offer paternal parenting classes to teach the importance of their role as well as offer them support and encouragement.

As a society, we need to realize and emphasize the importance of BOTH mom and dad, especially in the blended family. Children of blended families face so many losses and it is crucial that both parents be allowed to retain their roles for the sake of the child’s development. At a time when these children need some stability and a sense of family cohesion, the socially and politically unjust and maternally biased legal system and/or the bitter ex-wife should not be allowed to destroy the lives of these children by encouraging the removal of an essential component of family - THE FATHER!!

To all of my dads out there, know that you are important in our families. Don’t be excluded. Speak up, step up and be the fathers that your children desperately NEED you to be.  And to my ex-wives, please stop making it difficult for dad to be in his child’s life, if he is truly trying to be a part of it. Whether you want to believe it or not, your child needs him and will be better off having formed a solid bond with his dad.

HAPPY FATHER’S DAY TO ALL OF MY BFSO DADS!!!

Divorce and Single Fatherhood

Picture having 3 rambunctious little boys, ages 5, 6, and 8, while dealing with diabetes and in a less than thriving economy. Some would take bets on whether the extreme exhaustion or diabetes (aggrivated by stress) would take you out, but neither has taken 32 year old Carl Torrence out just yet. He awakens every morning to the pitter patter of six little feet, complicated schedules, cooking, cleaning and the overall joys and perils of fatherhood. He’s a regular modern day Mr. Mom – only there’s no Mrs. Carl is a single father who has been raising his boys since they were only 1, 3 and 5.

Carl has been separated from his wife for almost 4 years and divorced for a little over a year. Initially, the boys stayed with their mother but a month after the separation his oldest son started acting out.

“My oldest son started acting out. She couldn’t handle it so she sent him to live with me. Two months later, the other boys came to live with me, too. She often times would say that she didn’t want to be a mom.”

Because Torrence grew up in a broken home himself and was raised by his father, he always knew that if he and his ex-wife ever separated or divorced he would want his children.

“I was raised by my father and I used to tell my ex-wife that if something happens between us, they would live with me.”

However, Torrence decided to leave his very young children with their mother initially because he didn’t want them to suffer and he didn’t think he could properly care for his children at the time. Not to mention that he never saw his mother when he was younger and didn’t want the same for his children.

Carl admits that he had a really tough time taking care of his boys.  He was selling real estate in a terrible market and he couldn’t afford day care for his 1 and 3 year old. He lost his job, his house and had to obtain government assistance just to feed them. He moved them to a fixer uper that didn’t even have heat, nor did they have beds. Some nights they slept in a tent in the living room and he told them they were camping so they wouldn’t know the reality of their situation. He didn’t know what or how he was going to do it some days, but he knew he was happy that they were all together.

When I asked Carl why he just didn’t get a divorce at that time and then make her pay child support, he said that he was afraid of losing his kids.

“This is a woman’s state and I thought they would demand that I return my kids to my ex-wife, even though she didn’t want them in the first place. Most women are vindictive. When they get mad there is no telling what they’re going to do and I didn’t want to lose my kids.”

Because my husband is currently experiencing parental alienation (usually women are the alienators), I was curious to learn whether or not Carl has ever felt as if he’s alienated his children from their mother and he responded with an emphatic NO! He also said that he never says anything negative to her or about her to his kids.

“I never pushed her away. My boys love their mom, but right now they need her to be something she’s just not, and I do all I can to create that person in their minds. I told my ex-wife that the door remains open for her to come back into their life and they will be accessible to her as long as they needed her.”

When asked about dating, Torrence admitted that he would like to date, but said the woman will have to be VERY special if she plans to interact with his boys. He doesn’t want his sons around any old type of woman.

“I don’t want to just date any kind of woman, he said. She must be goal-oriented, not married and love kids. These boys require a lot and I need to know that she can handle what she signs up for.”

From soccer practice to grocery shopping and from cooking to cleaning, Carl is redefining fatherhood; proving that some men love their children just as much as women do and instead of running away from their responsibilities, they are running to them!

“My job as their father is to prepare them for life; for the things that I know are coming and for the things that I don’t know are coming. I will do all I can to be the best parent I can be to make sure that they grow up being well-rounded young men.”

Loneliness – A Reality of Being Newly Divorced

It almost seems like every day as a single parent you are dating your kids.A wonderful evening is dinner with your children with an hour episode of Hannah Montana, ICarly, and Josh and Drake.You end the evening with a charming but gentle story about a person who has nothing and in less than 40 pages ends up gaining the whole world.You teach faith to your children as you amiably pray with them and agree with God that they will grow up to be that person that gains the whole world, just like the characters in the book.You kiss them on the forehead and remind them that you love them. You turn and exit the room realizing that you don’t have anyone to tuck you in, kiss you on the forehead and pray with you.What used to be a warm bed is now filled with pillows that mimic the fact that you are alone.

You exit your child’s room pissed off because this is not what you dreamed about. This is not what your parents prayed about for you.Instead of having gained the world, this story has ended horribly.You find yourself looking at your collection of children books and what used to make you happy as a child makes you irritated.You say to yourself that all of these childhood stories are lies.If you are a man you might begin to think that there is no such thing as a Cinderella but a gold-digger instead.And what does seven men living with Snow White make her – a ‘hoe’?If you are a woman you might wonder if your Kent is really Kermit the frog and if your Prince Charming just got out of jail and is without a job. All of a sudden a little person that wears a dark outfitand looks just like you, sits above your left shoulder and reminds you that your ex -spouse left a bottle of tequila that you bought 10 years ago on your honeymoon. You were going to open it on your anniversary, but hell he or she is gone. You take a moment to reflect on your past relationship then you open the bottle and take a few shots, not really drunk but tipsy, you find the courage to pick up the phone and call your ex just to say, thank you for nothing, laughing as you hang up the phone.The morning comes and you find yourself with a headache and the reality that you are starting over again.They are gone and you are left picking up the pieces.

Loneliness is a reality of being divorced.What used to be so common is now so uncommon.You want to cry but ever y time you try to deal with your emotions you can’t because you have to do something for your children.Let’s not forget the haunting sounds of family that are missing.It feels like your house is filled with ghosts.You look in the direction they once played or slept only to find they aren’t there anymore. Your parents call you everyday just to make sure you have not tried to kill yourself.You will not watch romantic movies because it too much to handle.You hate to see couples and you feel like the universe has robbed you of your dignity.You hate running into people who knew you and your spouse, because they always ask how the other person is doing.Over and over again you have to say that we are going through a divorce.What really makes you mad is when they say those magic words, “I am so sorry.”You have this 30 second dream where you kick the ass of every person who should have told you that your marriage was going to end one day.When you come back to reality they are still talking, you find an excuse to end the conversation, instead of saying, “Could you please shut the hell up, before I kick your ass!”

Even though it seems that your world is ending, your life is just beginning.I have learned that regardless of the circumstance the sun will rise again. What appear to be your darkest days are the days where you display tremendous amounts of strength.The reality is that you are not dating your kids you are putting your kids first while trying to find a balance.It takes time to learn how to be the responsible parent while learning how to reconfigure your life.Instead of trying to find love, spend time trying to find you.Explore the things that you always dreamed of doing. Take a dance class, meet new people, explore the world though the eyes of a new opportunity instead of through the eyes of a broken marriage.Remember, you are not alone; millions of people have gone through a divorce.Even me, I am a new inductee into the blended family crew.

Antonio Love is a recently divorced father who is currently raising his daughter. He is also the author of Talking What Ya Want and Divorce, Who Needs Furniture Anyway. For more information on Antonio Love and his movement, please visit www.antoniolove.com.

Blended Family Dads: Making Bones…or Building Character!

“It has been said that one can measure a persons greatness by seeing how much it takes to discourage them………”

My husband (left) and sons (center/right)

It is known that some step-fathers in blended families make no bones about establishing their positions in their respective units.  Some get along with their step children, others prefer to simply state their territory and do not say or do much to establish a mutual bond or common ground with their step-children at all.  Other step-dads come into the picture with their different hats on and ready to be involved in every aspect of their step-children’s lives, while others simply step back and take a neutral position and allow the bio-parent to parent alone.

When I married my husband, I had been widowed 6 years.  Being a single mother, one of my personal inner struggles was talking to my boys about things that I didn’t feel comfortable talking about as a woman.  No matter what my heart felt with regard to my being able to parent as a mother and a father, I had to accept and realize that as a woman, I could not fill those shoes.  We can do our best job, but we cannot replace or begin to understand the things young teenage boys go through, and as a woman, no matter how hard I tried and no matter how good of a mother I was, I could NOT always relate. 

When I married my husband, my older boys were 15 and 16.  Everyone knows how teenagers can get on your last darn nerves.  They think they “know” everything about life and they actually know nothing at all.  This is an understatement in and of itself.  But, as much as my husband didn’t like their attitudes at times (more often than not), he still sat them down when they wanted to talk, he explained things to them about his life experiences,  gave advice to them about peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, etc., all the things that their bio father would have done had he not passed away.  He even did not hesitate to put one of them in his place when he got a little too cocky at one point with me.  No matter the situation, the boys know that my husband loves them and they love him back!  Most importantly, they trust him and they know he will protect them.

The older boys are grown men now (21 and 20) but they know they have a security blanket with their step-dad.  What I found to be really special is now, my 21 year old has his own son who is 10 months old.  He and my husband have had private talks about the mistakes my husband made as a young father and what it means to make sure you are ALWAYS there for your children.

On the flip side, I have a girlfriend who’s current husband cares nothing about her children and the children care nothing about him as a step-father.  They argue, fuss and fight constantly.  They have no mutual respect for one another or for themselves.  The step-father and children make no bones about not caring for one another.  As a step-mother myself, this is nothing short of a travesty.

Being a great step-dad is a trying job, I’m sure.  Wearing that hat requires strength, courage, humility, trust and confidence, especially during times when you feel like you may have stepped into a black hole of problems.  By being that man of character, you are teaching, building and strengthening your step-children’s future in many more ways than you know.

Some step-fathers come into the lives of children with no fathers (due to death — as in my case), dead-beat  fathers and some part-time fathers.  Some even come into the lives of children with great biological fathers who can appreciate the important role a step-father has in their child’s life and in the blended family unit.  All of these scenarios takes courage.  I give all props to ALL the BFSO step-dads who cherish and uplift not only their biological children, their step-children and their spouses lives, but to ALL those who set an awesome example for seasoned fathers, young fathers and all the future step-fathers of the world who may just happen to be reading this blog.   So, for those of you who have decided to build character instead of making bones……MY HATS OFF TO YOU!

P.S.  Thank you Randy, Desmond and Jay; three amazing step-dads I know and love!  Keep building character!

Di

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