Why Did I Get Married?

Marriage is HARD work and love alone is  not enough. It requires nurturing, attention, patience, loyalty, understanding and trust, among other things. Remarriages with children are even more difficult, due to the external forces (ex-spouses, children and emotional baggage) that often times make it difficult for couples to make their marriages a priority. But, it really isn’t that difficult at all and it’s crucial to make your remarriage, just as you would your first marriage, priority number one! Why? Because if your marriage fails, your blended family fails and your kids have to experience a second divorce. It’s as simple as this – families can’t and won’t blend if the marriage isn’t the first to blend. If the ex-spouses get along great, but your marriage is headed for divorce, then it is highly likely that you’ve put too much energy into your divorce and not enough into marriage.

I’ve talked to many wives who have stated that they feel unsupported by their husbands. They feel as if what his ex-wife says holds more weight than what she, his wife, says. They feel as if their husbands walk on eggshells around the ex-wife, but have no problem stating their opposing view to them, their wives. Simply put, they feel as if the fear of them (husbands) not seeing their children, forces them to be more of a partner to their ex-wives than their wives.

Then I talk to the husbands who say that they feel they HAVE to do everything their ex-wives say because they just want to see their children. They are not trying to neglect their marriages and often believe that they make their marriages a priority simply because they are still married. Many believe that their wives need to be more understanding of their situations and realize that it’s nothing personal, they just want to see their kids.

The advice that I offer to these men is this: Marriage is extremely personal! Your wife wants to feel valued as your partner; the co-captain of the team in which you are the captain. Not as a bench member on a team in which you and your ex-wife are the captains. How much sense does it make for you to always think about not upsetting your ex-wife, for whatever reason, when your wife is constantly upset? Expecting your wife to just always understand and put her feelings aside is taking her for granted. Your wife shouldn’t be solely responsible for understanding your situation (divorce). It is your ex-wife who needs to understand and respect your marriage. Simply put, your marriage comes first because blended families don’t fail, (re) marriages do!

The question is how do you fix it? How do these couples begin to repair their marriages so that they don’t end up in divorce battle number 2? What I recommend is something that my husband and I do quite often and it has helped to strengthen our marriage immensely. I tell them to sit in front of each other at least once per month and ask this question – Why did I get married? Then tell each other the reasons why they chose to marry the other. This gently forces couples to bring back all of those happy feelings that led up to them marrying in the first place. It puts the focus on them instead of the drama.  It allows them to look into each other’s eyes and remind each other of why they fell in love in the first place. Often times couples allow the drama of ex-spouses and the obstacles of blending a family to consume them, and their marriages are an after thought. This simple exercise allows couples to constantly remind each other of why they love them, and it allows them as individuals to remember why the other should be valued as his or her life partner.

Below are some other tips to help you pave your way to a better marriage.

1. Communication. Communication is essential in any relationship. From discipline to money matters, constant communication is key in order to make sure you remain on the same page.
2. Find a way to deal with your issues. If you’re too upset to talk about your issues face-to-face, use a problem box. Write down your problem and place it in what you and your spouse know to be the problem box. This way you can communicate your problem without having to actually verbalize it, and your partner can digest it without your eyes glaring at him or her. When things cool down, address the problem, face-to-face.
3. Remember to make decisions that affect your household TOGETHER. No, your spouse shouldn’t be expected to sit down with you and your ex-spouse to discuss things like choosing a school, doctors or dentists. But, issues such as visitation schedules and discipline in the household should be discussed with your wife.
4. Your spouse is your life partner.Remember that while your ex-spouse is your co-parenting partner, your spouse is your life partner!
5. Treat the relationship like you are the best of friends.Remember that your spouse is the person that you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and you should treat the relationship like you are  the best of friends. Just being life partners and making decisons together gets redundant in a very short period of time. Building a marriage with a strong foundation of friendship will last a lifetime. Do fun things together, laugh together and be goofy with each other. You’ll begin to notice your relationship becoming stronger and more loving after doing so.