Forgiveness is for You!

“Forgiveness is for the forgiver…not the person you are forgiving!”

I had an interesting conversation with my husband last night about the subject of forgiveness.  The subject was brought up due to a question my husband had posed to me about my ex-husband, with whom I share a 20 year old son, and why I would care about remaining in contact with him after our somewhat tumultuous past relationship.   My simple answer to him….Forgiveness.

You have to know that my husband was raised to be a very unemotional man.  My husband was adopted at 3 months old.  His adoptive father left the family, or should I say, was off and on with his family for several years.  Therefore,  much of my husband’s skepticisim about forgiveness comes from what he learned early on from his adoptive father’s  perception about family, due to his obvious lack thereof.  During our discussion, I pointed  out to my husband that he is now a grown man and his dad is getting older. I asked my husband why he continues to hold resentment instead of forgiving his dad and moving on to maybe what could possibly now turn into a productive relationship.  His answer was simple…”He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.”

As he was speaking, I was looking in my husband’s eyes and I could see pain.  I proceeded to tell  him that by forgiving, the forgiveness is not for his dad but for him.  Forgiveness clears the path toward resolve.  It makes peace.  To forgive is to free yourself.   I went on to explain that I chose, a long time ago, to free myself from a lot of emotional pain that my prior marriage caused me and my two older children because no matter what happened between us, at the end of the day, he and I share a son and we are his parents and we will co-parent, together, until our feet leave this earth.     Forgiving was not only necessary for me, but liberating.

People grow and they change.  My ex is a totally different man now who is remarried with other children and step-children.  He has become a wonderful father, step-father, husband and provider.  I accepted that the young 20-year old man that he was at the time  just could not be that husband, father and provider to me and my sons when we were married.   Was it fair to me?  Unequivocally, no.  Was I hurt?  Absolutely!  But I forgave him to free myself.  It didn’t happen overnight — as a matter of fact — it took years but once I decided, I was released!   Oh,  and during that process, I found out that I was no angel either and that he forgave me for a few things as well (smile).   Needlesstosay, I encouraged my husband to do the same with his dad.

Life is too short not to live in peace!

Peace & Blessings,
Di