Forgiveness is for You!

“Forgiveness is for the forgiver…not the person you are forgiving!”

I had an interesting conversation with my husband last night about the subject of forgiveness.  The subject was brought up due to a question my husband had posed to me about my ex-husband, with whom I share a 20 year old son, and why I would care about remaining in contact with him after our somewhat tumultuous past relationship.   My simple answer to him….Forgiveness.

You have to know that my husband was raised to be a very unemotional man.  My husband was adopted at 3 months old.  His adoptive father left the family, or should I say, was off and on with his family for several years.  Therefore,  much of my husband’s skepticisim about forgiveness comes from what he learned early on from his adoptive father’s  perception about family, due to his obvious lack thereof.  During our discussion, I pointed  out to my husband that he is now a grown man and his dad is getting older. I asked my husband why he continues to hold resentment instead of forgiving his dad and moving on to maybe what could possibly now turn into a productive relationship.  His answer was simple…”He doesn’t deserve my forgiveness.”

As he was speaking, I was looking in my husband’s eyes and I could see pain.  I proceeded to tell  him that by forgiving, the forgiveness is not for his dad but for him.  Forgiveness clears the path toward resolve.  It makes peace.  To forgive is to free yourself.   I went on to explain that I chose, a long time ago, to free myself from a lot of emotional pain that my prior marriage caused me and my two older children because no matter what happened between us, at the end of the day, he and I share a son and we are his parents and we will co-parent, together, until our feet leave this earth.     Forgiving was not only necessary for me, but liberating.

People grow and they change.  My ex is a totally different man now who is remarried with other children and step-children.  He has become a wonderful father, step-father, husband and provider.  I accepted that the young 20-year old man that he was at the time  just could not be that husband, father and provider to me and my sons when we were married.   Was it fair to me?  Unequivocally, no.  Was I hurt?  Absolutely!  But I forgave him to free myself.  It didn’t happen overnight — as a matter of fact — it took years but once I decided, I was released!   Oh,  and during that process, I found out that I was no angel either and that he forgave me for a few things as well (smile).   Needlesstosay, I encouraged my husband to do the same with his dad.

Life is too short not to live in peace!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Help! I Need the BFSO Advisory Board

BFSO readers, I need your opinion.   I have been opining this subject for a while now.  Actually, it is eating away at me because I have always tried really hard to not let what an ex does or doesn’t do or something he says or doesn’t say to me bother me.   My 19 year old son, L’s, father lives in California.  We were married for 5 years.   During that time, as I have written before, he was very physically abusive to me in front of my two older boys.  My oldest son was not his biological child.

Last May, when my son graduated high school, my ex and I got into a huge argument, over the phone over his car insurance payment.   The only thing I ask him to do is pay his car insurance $72.00 a month and that has only been since he was 17.  So, the first 17 years, he never paid a dime of support or helped me in anyway.  He didn’t work when we were married.  Anyway, at the time of our argument, he said to me “Diane, our son is 19.  I don’t have to have anything else to do with you.  I don’t have to talk to you, I can talk to L from now on.”   That really made me think.  How do you say that to the mother of your child?  If it weren’t for me, he wouldn’t have his only son, his namesake.

Well, he’s right.  He doesn’t.  But, that really hurt me.  I raised this boy on my own, got the crap beat out of me by this man, and now he just writes me off  because our son is 19.  I think what bothers me more is that my son WANTS a relationship with him.   For some reason, I feel a little bit betrayed by my son.   I was the one struggling, making $15,000 a year, eating oatmeal at night so the boys could eat what little meat I could afford to buy.  I was the one crying at night wondering how I was gonna pay the daycare that next week, buy groceries and have enough money to last me to the next paycheck.

I never asked for child support from him, not a dime.  We divorced when my son was 4.  I was so afraid of him that I didn’t want him to have any reason to come around us.  The court ordered supervised visitation, with no overnights and that he seek batterers treatment counseling, etc.   The court did order child support, but I stipulated that he didn’t have to pay it and I moved away.  My question is….why would my son want a relationship with him when he has done NOTHING  for him, ever?  Needless to say, from the time my son was 8 through now, 19, my son has seen him a total of 4 times.  Now that he is 19, my ex tries to have a father-son relationship with him, calls him on his cell, talks about the Lakers; which is both of their favorite team.   My son acts like they are the best of friends and it makes me almost physically sick because he has no idea the pain this man has caused me.   Just the raising of this man’s voice still scares me to this day.   My son doesn’t see that pain.  My son doesn’t understand the things his dad took away from me during those years of abuse.  He took everything from me.  My self-esteem, my self-worth, my pride and he placed fear in my heart.   Why does he want to  have anything to do with him?  I know I am being selfish.  My son deserves a relationship with his father….but he is a horrible father.   I have forgiven my ex, but I haven’t forgotten and I guess, I didn’t expect my son to forget either.

It bothers the heck out of me.   HELP!!!!!

Diane