Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

In any relationship, whether it be romantically involved (i.e., spousal or significant other, everyday friendships, sibling and often times even parental), conflict is inevitable.  What we don’t realize is that it is not the conflict in itself that is the problem, but rather simply, how we  decide to handle the conflict that either tears us apart or brings us closer together.

Research has shown that hanging on to ambivalent relationships (romantic or otherwise) in our lives where they are supportive and positive one minute and non-supportive/negative the next causes us more stress than a regular old negative relationship.  We bounce back and forth in these relationships never really knowing where we stand with the other person.  Research has also shown that this is also extremely physically unhealthy.

What does an ambivalent relationship or friendship look like one might ask?  For example, in some remarriages/stepfamilies, couples experience what I call the “weakest link” syndrome due to the stresses and strains such as conflict with an ex-spouse or stepchild, emotional/physical neglect and/or abuse and often times finances.  The stress level gets so high at times that one person feels as if they are constantly walking on eggshells.

The fact of the matter is that the world we live in today is full of unhealthy relationships.  We see them on on television, we hear about them on the news and bopp our heads to the tunes our music provides us about painful break-ups and conflict.  We also experience it first hand in our relationships with our friends and family.  Another example of a toxic relationship  can be that of an adult child that has grown up with a neglectful parent.  Whether that parent was neglectful due to the disease of physical abuse, drugs/alcohol or just simply walked away, there comes a time that we have to decide to accept these relationships for what they are not for what we imagine they can be.  We have to embrace the conflict we feel inside in order to accept that we can and need to let go of these relationships, especially when the outcome leads to our own positive well-being and health for that matter.

Another example of conflict and unhealthy relationships is that of ex-spouses that have not moved past the pain (a lot of the times due to not having closure, i.e., one spouse walked away suddenly, etc.) that they experienced during their previous relationship or their troubled marriage.  They want to disconnect, but hang on to emotions.  This is extremely harmful not just to the one behaving this way, but if the non-participating ex-spouse is remarried, it turns into major conflict for the remarriage, hence the “weakest link” syndrome kicks in.

Deciding to let go of  or exit an unhealthy relationship is hard.  In the alternative, a lot of people decide to just stay “stuck.”  In my opinion and through my experience, I have learned that what you need and want to accomplish in this one life that we get,  is much too short and precious to waste on people who do not feel or want the same things that you do.  Sometimes, those people are our friends, parents, spouses and siblings and when we need to let go of an unhealthy relationship, there is going to be pain.  However, it is wise and empowering to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and allow yourself to take inventory of the roles people have played in your life.  Obviously, I am not promoting cutting good people out of your life, but simply eliminating the stress and by doing so, sometimes we have to eliminate the folks that cause that stress.  Can people change?  Of course.   Can relationships that may be defunct at this moment end up flourishing? Absolutely.  I am a big proponent of change.  Two people, whether they are spouses, friends or family members, do not have to always agree  and obviously will not always share the same values, desires and goals in life, but if the stress from one of these relationships becomes detrimental to your happiness, being able to focus and becoming aware of your own goals and desires may require ending that stressful relationship.  Here are a few examples of questions you might ask yourself and thoughts you might consider:

• Acknowledge your own mistakes in the relationship.
• Does this person’s influence or feelings flip/flop back and forth from positive to negative at a moment’s notice continually and does it stress you out?
• Do you feel as if you walk on eggshells around this person?
• Are you being physically or emotionally abused?
• Are you being financially stifled to the point that you are afraid to speak up?
• Are you stuck in a dead-end relationship?
• Are you always available for your friends but they are never available for you?
• Does your parent make you feel guilty for their past parental actions or non-actions?
• Do you feel you need to re-evaluate the direction your relationship is taking?

When we set clear intentions in our relationships, we clear the path for our own progress and true happiness.  In learning this, we are putting a voice to the emotional part of inner-beings and again, accomplishing true happiness.

Peace &  Blessings,
Di

“Bestfriends” with your ex-spouse’s new spouse

Research suggests that, in most cases, the children who are the most well-adjusted and emotionally stable in the blended family are a result of the ex-wife and current wife working together to raise the children. The problem is that it doesn’t happen very often, but the question is why? While the issue of competitiveness between women plays a huge factor in the wives not getting along; so do those initial unrealistic expectations. Establishing those obvious expectations in the beginning will give your relationship a chance at surviving and your children a better chance at being well-adapted.

It’s important to realize that just because you may loathe your ex-husband doesn’t mean that you immediately have to share those same feelings for his new wife.  Give her a chance. You might actually have something in common. Don’t hold on to the baggage of your former marriage and take it out on the new wife. It only suggests bitterness and the inability to move past it.

Before I first met my ex’s new wife, I have admitted to having a few reservations about her; mainly because of who she chose to marry and in the short length of time she chose to do it in. Although he started being a better father (it’s all relative) when she came along, I couldn’t figure out why you would want to marry someone who wasn’t already being the best father he could be. However, I never let her see that. I put all those feelings aside and gave her a chance and discovered that we do have a lot in common.

It’s also important to realize that you don’t have to be bestfriends and often times, this is unrealistic anyway. Being bestfriends comes with certain expectations of its’ own and it’s extremely difficult to live up to those expectations when that person is married to your ex or was married to your current spouse. You undoubtedly are going to be placed in numerous situations where your loyalty and friendship will be tested; whether it has to do with a fight that she has with her ex spouse, or the whole your kid vs. my kid thing. And when your “bestfriend” chooses her spouse and her children every single time, one is left feeling deceived and betrayed. Additionally, sometimes even best friends simply grow apart and one decides that she doesn’t want to be best friends anymore. In that situation, you can just both walk away, keeping only your memories that you created together. But in the blended family situation, there’s no just walking away and you’re forced to interact with each other – the same way your friendship began (forced interaction)!

 Although my husband’s ex-wife didn’t like me at all (she had never even met me) when my husband and I first got together; I worked hard to try and build a friendship with her. I called her just to talk; invited her in my home with open arms and always greeted her with big smile and a hug. At first, our relationship was going really good. We communicated really well and liked each other. I would say that we were actually friends. Then, it happened. She and my husband had a fight and I was caught in the middle. She would call me when they had a fight; hoping that I’d be able to get him to see her point. But the problem was not only did I not see her point, but I needed to remain loyal to my husband. When this happened over and over again, it undoubtedly put a strain on our relationship, and we went from being sort of friends to enemies.

I know there are some ex and current wives who claim to be bestfriends, but I just have to question whether or not you truly are. Bestfriends are able to air their grievances and still be bestfriends when it’s all said and done. Bestfriends share a mutual, unconditional and sincere love for each others’ children, including their best interest. Bestfriends can talk about anything and rely on each other for support. I don’t know hardly any ex and second wives who can do the above-mentioned, let alone more. As such, I will have to conclude that you aren’t bestfriends.  You might be friendlier than most ex and second wives, and work better together than they do, but bestfriends is such a strong word.

It’s more realistic and healthy to approach your relationship as one that is built on respect, honesty and common ground (the children).  When you do so, no one will feel betrayed because you’ve established realistic expectations up front. For example, my ex’s current wife and I are friendly and we like each other, but at the end of the day, we don’t take anything personally. I respect the fact that when it’s all said and done, she will always choose and do what’s best for her husband and immediate family and vice versa. Therefore, when issues of child support arise, I know what to expect out of her and she knows what to expect out of me. We don’t take it out on each other because we don’t expect anything more out of each other. The only thing I expect out of her is to treat my son with love and respect. Retaining a relationship built on respect and a mutual desire for it to want to work out for the kids, allows us to work together for their benefit.

All in all, it’s important to realize that you don’t have to be the archrival or the best friend with the new wife. There is a middle ground and often times, that’s the safest position to be in.