The Only Child

four facesThirteen years ago I had a beautiful baby boy! His father and I were overjoyed. He was perfect; so perfect that I decided that I didn’t want or need anymore children. I was perfectly fine with him being my only child. I had a rough pregnancy and his father worked out of the country for most of the year. Children, if you are a full-time parent, require 100% of your time and one was all I could take. Even when the relationship with his dad didn’t work out, I still vowed that my son would be the only child. People would always say things like, “Won’t you want one with your husband when you get married?” Or, they would wonder what would happen to my son when his parents died. Who would be his support system? Who would he visit during the holidays, etc.?  I have to admit that those last questions got to me. The one future thing I was definitely worried about was him being alone! I wanted him to have brothers and sisters, but I just didn’t want to be the one to have them. 

When his dad got married and was expecting a child soon after, I was happy for my son. Finally, after 5 years of being an only child, he would be a big brother. It took some time for him to get used to the idea, but 8 years later, they both adore each other. I could finally have some peace with this now because I knew that my son and his brother would always be there for each other; I would make sure of it by supporting and encouraging their relationship whole heartedly. There’s nothing like a bond between brothers and I was so happy that my son would finally experience it.

It turns out that my son’s younger brother wouldn’t be the only addition to the family. Last year, his stepmother informed us that she was expecting a baby girl and gave birth to her in November. My son was elated! It’s so cute to see how he speaks of his only sister. Already, he is so protective and talks about the things he is going to do with her when he starts driving. This little girl is definitely going to get the blues from her two older brothers when she gets older. LOL!

And we’re still not done folks because last September, after vowing to never have another, not trying to and being told by doctors that I probably wouldn’t get pregnant again, my husband and I were surprised to hear that we too were expecting. I gave birth to my son’s youngest sibling, a beautiful baby boy, in March of this year. The six months of bedrest, including hospital bedrest, constant vomitting and fatigue, was all worth the daily opportunity that I get to see my two boys interact. My oldest is so gentle, loving and caring with his baby brother, and my baby boy absolutely adores his older brother. His face lights up every time he walks in the room or hears his voice. It is the cutest thing.

Today, I am no longer worried about either one of my sons when their parents leave this Earth because I know that they will always have each other. Not only that, they will also have my oldest son’s brother and sister. My son often talks about the things that all of them will do together in the future. He loves being an older brother. It’s the reason why I encourage and support sibling relationships in the stepfamily. A wonderful aunt, close cousin or a bestfriend cannot compare to a relationship that, if nurtured and supported, you can have with your sibling.  And so, my oldest son went from being the only child to the oldest of 4, and I couldn’t be happier – for him.

How important is it for you to support and encourage the sibling relationships in your stepfamily?

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My Other Dad

familyblendIn a recent Good News article, I announced that our blended family was growing. Both my son’s stepmother and I had babies 4 months apart. We have always supported each other in a healthy way,  encouraged sibling relationships and given our children the freedom to love. I’ve never told my son how to refer to his step-parents or what to call them. I’ve just always emphasized that we all love him and that he’s lucky to have two sets of parents who want the best for him. When talking to my son, I have never used the adjective “step” to describe any of his parents. I wanted him to create his own titles based on the relationships he formed with each of us. As a result, he refers to his parents as “my other dad” or “my other mom.” It’s amazing what effect our supportive and encouraging attitudes have had on my son’s younger brother (the child that my ex and his wife share).

For example, because babies equal sleepless nights and my son’s stepmother is here by herself until my ex returns from overseas, we support each other by carpooling. Both boys attend the same school (the school is K-8th grade), so my husband takes the boys to school in the morning and stepmom picks them up. This past week, on their way to school, the boys were discussing wrestling with my husband. Well, my husband was extremely tickled when my son’s brother said, “My other dad knows a lot about the old wrestlers.” Keep in mind that he doesn’t have a step-parent! Because we have given our children the freedom to just love, they are accepting of us all. He feels that since his brother has two sets of parents and these people accept me as well, they must be my parents, too.

Here’s the revelation: Children desire connection, a sense of belonging and to be loved. Whether they desire to be part of a family, a team or a clique at school, they want to belong. They are much more accepting than what we give them credit for. It is the parents that dump their toxic behavior, views and bitterness on them and influence their decisions and free will to love. If we look at the bigger picture and realize that these kids will be left with each other and not our bitterness, once we are gone, it should be easier to not impose our issues on to them. Now, this doesn’t mean that you’ll never have any issues as co-parents (that’s unrealistic). It just means that you should leave all children out of them, and not allow those issues to prevent you from supporting their relationships with all involved parents and siblings. Co-parents, please support and encourage your child’s relationships within his stepfamily. Trust me when I say that the long-term benefit will far out weigh your short-term satisfaction.

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Two New Additions to Our Blended Family

I am so proud of the huge strides that my blended family has made over the years. My ex and I and our spouses don’t always agree on everything, but we definitely co-parent well together. When disagreements arise, we either work together to reach some sort of compromise or we agree to disagree and move on. More importantly, we don’t stew over the disagreements and allow them to affect doing what’s best for our children. We have truly established what I like to call a synergistic foundation. We are separate parts of the whole who all work together for our children. We don’t intrude upon each others’ lives and have established a mutual respect for the roles that we respectively play in our son’s life.

babybooty2Recently, we reached another milestone in our respective families; both my ex’s wife and I had beautiful babies who are only months apart. We have all always encouraged and fully supported the sibling relationships in our family. My ex and his wife have embraced my husband’s son (my son’s stepbrother) and my husband and I have embraced their son (my son’s half brother). And now, we have been super supportive of the newest additions to our blended family; a baby girl and a baby boy! To us, they are all just brothers and sister.

The most positive and beneficial result of all of this is the obvious joy that this has brought to my son. I’ve never wanted him to feel like he had to choose who he had to love, be it his parents or siblings and I am so grateful that he doesn’t have to. He truly loves us all and has a unique relationship with each of us. This is all because we have ALL worked together! No matter how difficult it gets at times (as I stated earlier, we don’t always agree), we clearly are all committed to making it work for our children. After all, when it’s all said and done and the parents leave this earth, our children will be left to spend Christmas, Thanksgiving and any other important occasion together. I am so glad that we’ve build a solid foundation for them to stand on in the future.

This is my personal testimony that it is possible to blend a family in a HEALTHY way! Stepmom doesn’t have to give up who she is, be anyone’s doormat or feel under appreciated. Ex-wife and stepmom don’t have to spend every waking moment together. Ex-wives don’t have to be territorial or intrusive. Ex-spouses don’t have to do weekly dinners or vacation together and no one has to hate each other or be manipulative. It is possible to have healthy remarriages AND co-parent well with both biological parents and step-parents. If you put the right ingredients into your family blender; respect, honesty, love, compromise (without totally compromising yourself) and acceptance, then your stepfamily can also evolve into a blended family. We are proof of that and I am so proud of us!

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Gisele and Tom Brady welcome a baby boy!

Credit: Kevin Mazur/wireimage.com

Credit: Kevin Mazur/wireimage.com

On Wednesday,  New England Patriots quarterback, Tom Brady, announced that he and his wife, model Gisele Bundchen welcomed a baby boy who has yet to be named.

Brady, 32, announced the birth at a press conference calling it “a wonderful experience in life” and said that mom and baby are doing fine.

Gisele, 29, gave birth with a few of her sisters and her mother at her bedside. Their new son joins half sibling, John, whom Brady shares with his ex, actress, Bridget Moynahan.

Let’s hope that ex and wife have patched up any differences in order to ensure that these brothers have a close relationship. BFSO wishes them all the best of luck!

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Babies after age 35

janetjackson1Tyra Banks has this segment on her show called 20 questions. During this segment she gets to ask celebrity guests 20 questions about any and everything. On a recent show she asked Janet Jackson this question – when are you going to have children? Her response went something like this:

 

“Everybody keeps asking me that question. Honestly, I’m in no rush. I mean it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. I have time. I’m still young.”

 

“How old are you,” Tyra asked?

 

“41, so I’ve got time,” Janet replied.

 

Although Janet Jackson’s youthful look is still the envy of even some women in their 20’s, can it be limited to just that – a look? Does it mean that her body can still withstand the twists, turns and changes that pregnancy can put it through?

 

Many times remarried couples go back and forth when deciding to have a baby between them. Often times these couples have gone through at least one marriage, have multiple children between them and are older at this point. But many, women especially, feel it is important to have a child with their current husbands. The question is when is it too old to have a baby?

 

kidmanurban1More and more women are deciding to have children in their 30’s, 40’s and even closer to age 50 today than ever before. Nicole Kidman, age 41, just gave birth to her daughter Sunday Rose this year and she’s in good company. Halle Berry, 41, also gave birth to daughter, Nahla, this year. Jennifer Lopez, age 38, recently gave birth to twins, Max and Emme. Marcia Cross, age 44, gave birth to twins, Savannah and Eden last year. And, Salma Hayek, age 40, gave birth to daughter, Valentina, this year.

 

 

 Celebrities aren’t the only ones who are giving birth later in life. According to a report on pregnancy, in 2006, the pregnancy rate in women over 40 is rising faster than any other age group. As a matter of fact, I know more than a few women that had their children for the first time after age 35 or are in their thirties, but have decided to wait before having children. Most of them based their decision to on their career, the fact that they haven’t found Mr. Right yet or them feeling like they just aren’t ready. Do they have the right idea or not??

 

According to Dr. Skelton, who recently explained on the National Geographic Channel’s program, Animal Aging Secrets, the baby boomers just might be doing the right thing by having children much later in life.

 

“Evidence suggests that the later you produce children, the longer your life span will be,” she says.

 

This research further indicates that after 30, there is a dramatic reduction in oestrogen hormone in women. By leaving it longer before having our first child, we’re giving ourselves a big burst of oestrogen, which helps in many ways – muscle, bone and nervous function. Additionally, scientists say that women who have their last child after age 35 could be reducing her risk of death in each subsequent year by 28 percent compared to a woman who gave birth for the last time at a younger age. It could also mean a later menopausal period and the delayed onset of diseases such as Alzheimer’s for these women.

 

In addition to pregnancy, the act of trying to get pregnant is also helpful in prolonging your life span. Research indicates that a healthy sex life can prove to be beneficial as well. Testoterone levels drop in men and women as they grow older. But sex produces more testoterone, which may help keep our hearts in good shape.

 

So, there you have it.  If you want to live longer, have plenty of sex and babies after 35!

 

BFSO wants to hear from our readers. Did you or have you decided to wait to have children later in life? Perhaps you’re a second wife with no biological children of your own and are just now considering having children. If so, why or why not?

 

 

 

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Shar Jackson and K’Fed putting the kids first- even Brittney’s!

This story was first published by Sassy on babble.

Shar Jackson and Kevin Federline may not be suited for each other in the romance department since they’re no longer together but that doesn’t mean they don’t get along and put their children first.

Jackson and Federline have 2 children together, Kori, 5, and Kaleb, 3 and we all know who else K’Fed has children with. Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, get to spend time with their half siblings and get to bond with them.  Both Kevin and Shar think that’s important.  Shar says that she and Kevin get along great and that she even helps out with Britney’s boys.  “We definitely make sure the kids all bond together,” Jackson told reporters Tuesday night at EA’s Launch For The Need For Speed Game in L.A. “I mean, they’re siblings, they need each other.  We’re not together or anything but we’re definitely still a family unit,” says Jackson, the ex Moesha cast member.  You know, I really give them credit, even Federline, for putting the needs of their children first and foremost.

Jackson continues, “Honestly, we’re like the best of friends. Obviously, the relationship didn’t work out for a reason, and we’re cool with that. But we’re still a part of each other’s lives. And our children get to see two people who aren’t together but still have a great relationship, and I think that’s really important.”  Too bad Britney couldn’t figure this stuff out. 

And Shar gives Kevin alot of credit in the parenting department and says she trusts him completely with their children: “I know he’s in a good place,” she says, “the kids are in a good place, and I made sure from day one – I told him, ‘You make sure you have our children.’ ”

Jackson said that she and Kevin don’t really talk about the “Britney stuff” because it would be a “non-stop” conversation, so they just focus on other, more important things-the kids!  At least Sean and Jayden have some stability in their little lives!

Photo source:WireImage

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