Incorporating Healthy Lifestyle Changes

Does any of this sound familiar?  The alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m., you get up, get the kids up and ready for school, lunches prepared, throw in a load of laundry, off to work for 8 hours, pick the kids up, take them to practices, back home, prepare dinner, help with homework, get the kids ready for bed, straighten up the house…..and finally you sit down near to 11 p.m. or so and you think….”I have to do this all over again tomorrow!”

Whew!  Talk about stress!  Although, for men and women alike, we knowingly sign up for all that comes along with the day-to-day lives of our children, our bosses, running our own businesses, our spouses and our family lives in general.  Unfortunately, we don’t always fully get the big picture of what it actually does to our mental, emotional and physical well-being when we don’t allow ourselves to be balanced in same.  At times, we feel like our lives are on high speed fast-forward but because we are so stressed out, we emotionally feel like we are swimming through it in slow-motion and it becomes extremely overwhelming.  For me, at times, I feel like I am swimming in a sea of responsibilities that I just have to admit I can’t handle all at once.  It’s during these crucial times that we all forget to take care of the most important person and that is ourselves!

We all know that raising a family can be rewarding and demanding during normal times in our lives, but throw in the mix some emotional stress due to circumstances beyond our control (i.e., the economy, job loss, a new baby, etc.) and the situation can turn ugly really quickly.  According to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association, 73 percent of parents report family responsbilities as a significant source of stress.   Think about those statistics.  If 73 percent of us are stressed, I can imagine some of our stress eventually trickles down to the little people we are doing all of this for and that is our children.  Let’s go even further TMF Readers, as I always preach, children live what they learn. If your children see you as constantly worried and full of anxiety, they will think that type of behavior is normal and will follow in that same direction.  If your children experience constant chaos in your life then they will gravitate toward constant chaos in their own.  It’s not that they make the conscientious decision to do so, it is just that they will model what they have been taught, including how to effectively or non-effectively handle their stress as adults.  Changing your behaviors in order to incorporate a healthy changes into your life will be a tough task for sure but an absolute necessary one; not just for your own health, but for that of your children as well.

Here are a few tips that go a long way in helping you make lasting changes:

• Renegotiate your priorities.  If you exhibit a balanced lifestyle, your children will as well.  Evaluate what you need to cut back on in your life whether that be for a while or permanently.  For example, does your child participate in more than one extra-curricular activity?  Are you finding yourself running around town for 3 hours after work from place to place?  Set a limit, especially if you have more than one child.  Do you work from home while at the same time taking care of the children and find that you are putting too many projects on your plate at one time?  Set a limit and start eliminating what causes you stress.
• Find your own space.  Altering your environment can help you to be more comfortable and will allow you to give you a space that is all yours.  I don’t care if its a corner in your bedroom or in your basement.  Make it your own and your “peace zone.”  Some might be surprised by this, but my car is my peace zone.  I go to my car on my lunch breaks, frequently on the weekend, I might take a drive with the radio off so I can hear myself think.  I live in a house with 3 boys and a husband.  No further explanation needed. 
• Focus on yourself.  There is a direct correlation between stress and our physical health.  Recognizing this is key.  Once recognized, take steps to focus on taking care of yourself.  Get enough sleep.  I have been told by every doctor I have ever come across that sleep is our body’s natural way of healing itself.  Take time to relax and to focus on what makes you happy.  Turn to hobby that brings you joy and doesn’t make you feel like you are doing a job.  Hobbies are wonderful ways to escape. 
• Talk with your children about stress.  Listen actively to your children.  When they are confiding in you, stop what ever you are doing and listen.  Help them to deal with feelings and emotions that revolve around stress in order to help them find a solution.
• Set realistic short term goals.  Don’t overwhelm yourself with trying to fix everything at once.  Be realistic in your changes.  Understand that changes don’t take place overnight and that we don’t want “quick-fixes,” we want long-term success so taking your time and taking it one step at a time is the answer.
• Manage yourself.  As I say to some of my clients, don’t take the easy way out.  Truly look at yourself and the situation and be able to identify when you need extra help.  Not effectively managing yourself, your physical needs, your reactions to situations, etc. is counterproductive to balance.  Consider exercising more, getting more sleep (as discussed above), think things through thoroughly before committing yourself to a project or activity.  Realize that you do not need to be all and do all for everyone else all of the time, especially because you don’t want to say “no.”  Sometimes, the most healthy thing you can do for yourself is say NO, with kindness of course.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for help.  Everyone needs help at some point in their lives.  Accept that it is okay to call on your spouse, on a friend or on family to help you.  This is the only way you can improve your ability to stay strong.   Secondly, there is also nothing wrong with talking to a professional about it as well.  We don’t have all the answers all of the time. 

TMF Readers, remember, our children watch us.  Most often, they will also follow our lead in how we deal with stress, anger and even how we solve our problems.  Through our examples, we can give them strategies and life lessons by modeling behaviors that are realistic, attainable, positive and healthy. 

In conclusion ladies and gentlemen, remember, our lives aren’t perfect and we are not going to be perfect either.  We can set all of the expectations of ourselves that we want but at the end of the day, if we don’t find balance and aren’t able to put everything in its proper prospective and make time for what’s really important, we are only doing ourselves a huge disservice both emotionally, mentally and physically.  At this point, we are no good to anyone and especially not to our spouses or the little ones in our lives that are most important to us.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Share good news about your stepfamily

It’s no secret that stepfamilies can be extremely challenging, but they can be successful if the family focuses on building their family. This may be hard to believe because all that seems to be discussed in articles, on blogs, books, etc. is the bad stuff that stepfamilies can’t seem to get past; be it an intrusive ex-wife, a husband who doesn’t understand and support his wife or kids that don’t like and/or respect you. BUT, you can get past those things and your stepfamily, including your children, will benefit as a result.

I’ve mentioned the ladies over at the Stepfamily Letter Project in a couple of posts. It’s a site where stepfamily members can relieve stress by getting things off their chests, anonymously. It’s a good way to vent and blow off some steam before approaching the problem a bit more diplomatically. I think it’s very useful and beneficial and I always encourage my readers and clients to relieve their frustration by speaking their mind in this manner. If you keep it bottled in, you will eventually EXPLODE and that isn’t good for anyone.

That being said, I think it’s equally important that we begin to share what’s going right in our stepfamilies to give other stepfamilies hope for the future. Sure, we’ve probably all been where disgruntled stepfamilies are, but for those of us who happened to, with hardwork, dedication, love and understanding, emerge successfully need to share that good news with everyone.

I’ll start: I’ve made it no secret that the start of my marriage was shaky because my husband and I focused on all the wrong things. We worked tirelessly to try and build a great relationship with his ex-wife because we wanted my bonus son to feel like all was not lost and that we could all be one big happy family. In the process, however, we neglected our marriage and we certainly weren’t one big happy family. As a matter of fact, the ONLY person that was happy was his ex-wife because we catered to her needs. Even my stepson wasn’t happy! Instead of my husband discussing matters that were pertinent to our household with each other, he was discussing them with his ex-wife and I was just forced to do what was convenient for them, but not at all convenient for me. He was trying to prove to her that he could still be a good father by being a great partner to her and offering her support, but he was not a good husband to me and offered me none [support]. But, after many arguments, communication, counseling, love and understanding we began to realize the importance of working on our marriage and family. We made US a priority and as a result, built a marriage and stepfamily that cannot be broken.

For starters, my husband and I are now that disgustingly madly in love couple that still hold hands during car rides; call each other cute little pet names like baby, honey and angel; and can’t keep our hands off each other. He is truly the love of my life and is an EXCELLENT, supportive, loving, understanding husband and father.

Another benefit of my husband and I putting our marriage and family first is how well my son has adjusted. He is an amazingly compassionate, intelligent, strong, wise young man. Navigating through our blended family has taught him to be understanding, forgiving, loving and accepting. He is also excellent with communicating  his feelings, thoughts and beliefs with us. His teachers rave about him being a leader and the peacemaker in class, not to mention that he is a straight A student! Because all of his parents, including my ex and his wife, have worked hard to maintain our separate households while still attempting to work together, our son doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on anything. As a matter of fact, he has NEVER had a desire for his parents to be back together again. He has often expressed that he likes his family just the way it is.

Although my bonus son hasn’t adjusted as well, due to the fact that his mother won’t allow him to see us, the foundation that we built still stays with him. During our phone conversations, he has often expressed that he misses us and wants to come home. As a matter of fact, when he was 9 he told his mother that when he turned 10 he was going to live with us. Additionally, he has often told me [his evil stepmother] how much he misses me and my 200,000 questions that I always ask him. Side note: I always asked him about his friends at school, what he did at recess, his favorite foods that his stepfather cooked for him, if he liked girls, yet… I always thought I got on his nerves when I did that, but it turns out that’s one of the things he actually misses about me.

Overall, my husband and I have built a strong marriage and family for our children and as a result, our children have been able to witness a healthy marriage and develop skills that are and will continue to be beneficial to them in the future. More importantly, we’ve given them a sense of family that they will not forget and can continue to rely on.

See, there are many positive stepfamilies out there, even if the ex-wife is intrusive and destructive. You just have to make a firm commitment to each other, as husband and wife, and as a family. Work on building your marriage and strong relationships within your immediately family first. If you do so, you can build a strong stepfamily and that’s certainly good news.

What about you? TMF wants to start a Good News Stepfamily Project. We want you readers to start spreading the good news about your stepfamily. Maybe you too have gotten through the many obstacles that stepfamilies face and are now a strong stepfamily unit. If so, we need to start spreading this message of hope. It is true that many of us face battles with the exes, challenges with our stepchildren and even our spouses, initially, but it is possible to get past all that. If you have indeed gotten past it, we want to hear your good news. You can either leave a comment following this post and/or send your good news to goodnews@blendedfamilysoapopera.com. We’ll post all of your good news comments and emails in the good news section of our site so that everyone can see and understand that it is possible to jump those hurdles and create and maintain a healthy stepfamily.