The Hidden Truth: A Father’s Journey-Part 1

 In Part 1 of my article on bi-sexual fathers, I will be discussing the effects of being a bi-sexual father has on the children involved in their lives.  I will also be discussing a few of the issues gay fathers often face including stigmas, myths and prejudices in our society.  In Part 2 of my article, I will be interviewing a young man who has recently made an unremarkable journey in his life, realizing and coming to terms with the fact that he is bi-sexual.  He is a young father of two and an amazing, gifted young man.

In America, it wasn’t until the 1990′s that the gay community made a major appearance in our society.  Before then, gay men and lesbian women stayed “in the closet” because of the stigmas that society placed upon them.  Courts were reluctant to place children in the care of their father if he was gay even though research had shown that being gay had little or no effect on the development of a child’s identity.  Today, a lot has changed.  More and more gay men are adopting children and are even using surrogate mothers to have biological children.  There are thousands of gay men who have stepped up to the plate and are fostering children as well.

Unfortunately, a lot of people still feel that having a gay parent alienates a child’s ability to have a productive social experience and life.  However, as reported in USA Today, research has shown that gay parents who are open with their children about their sexual orientation, who exhibit mentally healthy behavior and provide supportive communities for their kids, tend to have the most resilient youngsters.

In the past, society pretty much ran homosexual or bi-sexual people through the wringer and placed unfair stereotypes upon them.  For example, one standing myth that has frequently reared its ugly head is that if a man is gay, he has to be a child molester because of his same sex attraction even though all the evidence, research and statistics prove that most crimes committed against children are committed by heterosexuals.  Another myth is the one in which I discussed above.  If you are a gay man, you will produce gay children.  Absolutely false.  There is a fabulous book that I am reading entitled Gay Fathers written by Robert Barrett and Bryan Robinson.  In the book, the authors list these additional myths about gay fathers:

·         Disturbed parental relationships myth:  Homosexuals, including gay fathers, have disturbed parental relationships (i.e., cold, rejecting fathers and emotionally smothering mothers);

·         Harassment exposure myth:  Gay fathers expose their children to harassment and embarrassment because of societal disapproval;

·         Sex-fiend myth:  The main goal in life for a gay father is primarily that of sexual gratification.

These are just a few of the myths listed in the book, but some of the most stunning in my opinion.  The truth of the matter is just as there are great heterosexual fathers, there are also great fathers that happen to be either bi-sexual or homosexual as well.  Just like there are bad heterosexual fathers, I am sure there are some homosexual fathers that fall into that same category.  Passing judgment on a gay man’s ability to be a good father just because he is gay or bi-sexual is not only unfair, but despicable.

In all types of families, children will have different experiences.  Children who have gay fathers will excel in life with the same opportunities that a child from a nuclear family will have.  Actually, children who have a gay or lesbian parent usually end up being more socially aware as teenagers and young adults.  They become more socially conscientious to the needs of people who are disadvantaged due to unfair prejudices, stereotypes and stigmas.  A child raised in an alternative marriage environment can be just as emotionally stable as a child who is raised by his mother and father in a traditional marriage.  As long as there is a supportive and loving environment, any child will excel.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this article.  If you are a family in need of help on this topic, I highly suggest you pick up a copy of Gay Fathers by Messrs. Barret and Robinson at your local library.  It is an amazing, encouraging book and one that I will read again.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

My Gay Ex-Husband Part II – an interview with the author

The best part of this blogging experience is that I get to meet and connect with so many fantastic people. From ex-wives and second wives, to ex and second husbands, these people  have something to say and being able to do just that in front of a captive audience is so freeing, empowering and courageous. I have a tremendous amount of respect for these individuals.

I recently had the opportunity to connect with a blogger named Carol Shwanda who told a very compelling story about her gay ex-husband. She candidly revealed the moment her husband told her that he was gay.

So I asked him, “Jared, are you gay?” As if the words were coming from the bowels of his being, for the first time in his life he admitted to someone, me, his wife, that he was gay,” she said.

The fact that she found out her husband was gay wasn’t the most spine tingling for me. It was what she did afterwards that was amazing. She basically held his hand while he went through therapy to confront his issues that he had with being gay. Her ex-husband had planned to kill himself that night and was withering away, due to not eating. She helped nurse his mind and body back to good health; staying true to the vows, for better or worse. Not to mention that after they divorced and her ex-husband remarried, to a gay man of course, she accepted his new lover into their family with open arms. And now she even advocates for gay marriage and the acceptance of homosexuality.

“We as compassionate and reasonable people have to dispel this notion that it is wrong to be gay, that homosexuality is a disease that has to be cured or prevented. It is not. Nor is it a choice. It just is. Accept it,” she said.

Although I was deeply moved by her very apparent act of love and compassion for her ex-husband, I had to wonder whether or not she would have had the same reaction if it was another woman on the end, instead of her ex-husband’s gay lover. I wanted to know if she would have still welcomed a second wife with open arms; not holding her ex-husband’s mistakes against her. So I asked and she opened up in an interview about just that. See it below.

Kela: Would you have had a different reaction if you found out that it was another woman? Your ex-husband didn’t cross the line, but was still torn between his family and her, due to the unexpected development of feelings.

Carol: Yes, I would have. I think in addition to feeling angry, jealous and hurt, I would have also felt inadequate. I would have questioned my ability to make my husband happy just as I did later, post divorce, when I was dating men and the relationships came to a jolting, unexpected halt.

Kela: Was it easier to accept your ex-husband’s new lover because he is of the opposite gender and therefore not a threat?

Carol: Yes and no. I remember the first time I met him and thinking, “You left me for him??” It was unsettling, but somehow I got past it.

Kela: Would you have welcomed a second wife just the same?

Carol: Hard to say, but probably not. The circumstances for the divorce would have been different so I think there definitely would have been some residual bitterness and resentment there.

Kela: How do your girls view their father’s relationship?

Carol: They love their dad the same and they have come to like his partner in the same way they have come to like my new husband. They are very aware, though, that society does not always accept gay people and junior high kids can be particularly cruel, so they are very careful about to whom they confide in about their dad being gay.

Kela: How does your husband feel about it?

Carol: My husband is great. He is not at all threatened by my ex. In fact, they are quite cordial toward one another. My ex comes over every morning to take my girls to school and he often sits at the breakfast table with my husband, chatting and reading the paper.

Kela: Do you have as many problems on that side of your blended family as a more traditional blended family (ex wife vs. second wife)?

Carol: I do have some issues with my ex-husband’s partner in that his partner was (still is) very jealous and threatened by me. He was in a previous relationship with a man who wanted a family who left him for a woman. He is concerned about my ex doing the same thing to him. He also does not have children so he can be selfish and demanding when it comes to the kids’ needs interfering with his. He’s also from a culture where children are seen and not heard.

Kela: Do you get along with your current husband’s ex-wife?

Carol: Yes. Our relationship has evolved over the years from distant, to civil, to amicable and now quite friendly. She and my husband communicate mostly through email, rarely by phone and almost never in person. They are civil toward one another for the sake of the kids. I have been their buffer. Time has softened the resentment they feel toward each other and now that the kids are much better adjusted from their divorce, everything is much easier.

Kela: Would you like to offer any other information that might be helpful to our readers (I’m sure there are others going through similar situations even if they aren’t as open as you are about it)?

Carol: First, don’t blame yourself. Even if you feel like you should have known, don’t kick yourself. Ending a marriage because your spouse comes out of the closet is one instance where you cannot be held at fault. Take whatever comfort you can in that. Secondly, understand that homosexuality is not a disease that needs to be prevented or cured. It will help you let go of something you could not have controlled or changed. Thirdly, unless you feel unsafe due to the bigoted attitudes of those around you, tell people the reason for your split.  Don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed and don’t cover up. And finally, even in your darkest moments know that it will get better.  You will recover. The pain will subside, you’ll move on and you will find happiness again. I sure did. And my new husband is so not gay.