Listening is an Act of Love

Every marriage and remarriage suffers and struggles to find and learn how to communicate effectively.  Most of us hear our spouses but the question that begs a true answer is this….”Do we truly listen to our spouse?”  Are we really, truly listening to them?  Honestly, every couple that I have ever met with struggles in this area.  We all do.  The reason behind this failure is because we are all a work in progress.  Our marriages and remarriages are constantly evolving and changing.  It’s hard to be on our toes at all times but did you know that listening to our spouses is really one of the most important acts of love?

Sharing what is in our hearts with our spouses is so important.  It’s extra easy to share all of our day-to-day frustrations and what is on the top of our minds, but truly sitting down and sharing what is important to us as spouses seems to be something that we don’t do enough as life partners.  For example, one of the biggest issues I see with couples I meet with is that when they are communicating, one partner might reject the “feelings” of their spouse instead of truly listening and hearing them out.  When this occurs, what your spouse takes from this is that you are basically rejecting them and judging them based on their “feelings.”  Feelings in communication are neither right or wrong.  What you do with your feelings is what creates those right or wrong situations.  There are many advantages to mastering the art of listening in your relationship.  Here are a few advantages:

• You will achieve a deeper intimacy with your spouse;
• You will learn the difference between thoughts and emotions and how to respectively deal with both;
• You will learn to accept that feelings come and go and change quickly;
• You will learn not to make decisions based on feelings;
• You gain trust , acceptance, honesty and acceptance from your partner.

Finding the right words is also a very important tool to have in your communication toolbox.  Use words to describe your feelings so that you don’t leave your partner guessing what you are going through.  For example:

• Abandoned, accepted, alive, aone, aloof, appreciative, attacked, bad, belittled, bitter, closed,  cheated, cheerful, concerned, contempt, controlled, deceived, defensive, doubtful….etc.

While giving you the right words to say, I would be remiss if I didn’t give you the words not to say.  Here are a few examples:

• WHATEVER.  This is the worst word you can use to effectuate communication.  What you are saying to your spouse when you use the word “whatever” is that you don’t care at all what your spouse is saying.  Essentially, you are saying “you are not important enough to me for me to listen to you.”
• I DON’T CARE.  This is self-explanatory and just plain rude.  And, if you truly feel this way, you shouldn’t be married or in a relationship where you are required to have communication.
• DUMB.  Using the word “dumb” is awful.  Basically, you are negating everything your partner is saying by using such a degenerative word.

Talking about your feelings to your partner will improve your overall communication by leaps and bounds.  Marriage is not a guessing game.  Finding the right words and using as many of them as possible to paint a picture for your spouse allows them to see things more clearly and to understand with more clarity exactly how you are feeling.  Remember, the purpose of exploring your partners feelings is to help you to better understand him/her, not to change how they feel.  Accepting how they feel, agreeing to disagree instead of manipulating them to feel as you do only strengthens what you are building.  Listening to one another intently builds trust and longevity.  It is extremely important to remember that in good marriages, both partners continually negotiate and re-negotiate.  Truly listening helps you to accept your partner for who they are and helps you to identify when you need to get on the path of renegotiation.  It helps you to appreciate the person you fell in love with and is a true act of love.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage

Trust is the key component to a successful marriage and especially in a remarriage. You have to be able to trust each other in order to present a united front to your children. If you don’t trust your spouse, you won’t feel comfortable allowing him or her to be your co-parent with your children. You won’t feel comfortable allowing him or her to solely handle decision making with their ex-spouse and overall, you won’t be an effective team and life partners. That being said, remarried partners who bring children into the marriage, are also presented with more opportunities to break trust just due to the complex family dynamic.  If you and your spouse are trying to rebuild or maintain trust in your marriage, consider the following helpful tips.

Do What You Say You’re Going to Do – When trust has been broken by one or both parties in the marriage, remember it’s the little things you do that will help to rebuild it. Think about it this way – when you are trying to build and maintain trust with your child of divorce, it’s important to be on time for visitation, keep communication open and honest, and overall, do what you say you’re going to do, right? Well, it’s no different when you’re trying to rebuild trust in your marriage. Do what you say you’re going to do; even regarding the simplest things such as bringing sugar home on your way from work. If you’re consistent over time, even when it comes to the little things, you will start to rebuild trust in your relationship.

Safe Communication – it’s important to feel safe enough to communicate in your relationship to rebuild trust. Pick a spot in your home and label it the no judgment zone. In this zone, you are both free to communicate how you feel without judgment. BUT, use “I” instead of “you” statements. “You did this, or always do that” are statements that put people on the defensive. Instead say “I feel this way when you do this.”

Don’t Continuously Bring Up the Past  – Even when you are both working hard to rebuild trust, be advised that there are still times when you are going to disagree/fight/argue. When this happens, remember to fight fair. Don’t bring up old issues , if you have already resolved them.

Sticks and Stones Can Break Your Bones and Words CAN Hurt – Words that are spoken in the heat of the moment when you are both very angry can knock you three steps back when you are trying to build trust.  So if you and your spouse are arguing and are boiling mad, take a breather. Step away from the discussion, collect yourself and remind yourself that you are having an argument WITH YOUR SPOUSE; not a co-worker or a stranger off the street – YOUR SPOUSE. Don’t say things that you might regret or that won’t be easily forgiven or forgotten.

No Instant Fix – You have to gradually rebuild trust over a period of time. Be patient with each other as you both work to regain that trust you lost and find happiness again.

“We” or “Me” in Marriage

You, me, WE.  Yours, mine, OURS…c’est WE!  Who knew those bitterly plotting pronouns would follow us long after we bid adieu to our rigid English instructors’ bloody war zone of red corrections slaughtering our diligently written papers.  Stalking us like ninjas in the night…ready to obliterate us with their nunchuck skills the minute we utter our marriage vows binding “me” to “we.”  Singular pronouns D.O.A.  Your plans.  My savings.  Your house.  My car.  Your money.  My kids.  Married adults declaring “Mine, Mine, Mine, Me, Me, Me?”  Much like a couple of preschoolers brawling over the only light up Buzz Lightyear toy.  One difference…preschoolers are way easier to deal with.    We adults sometimes get so caught up in remaining individuals, we forget that we married for a reason…to join TOGETHER.  But, understandably, with a 50% divorce rate, we may find ourselves in self-protection mode, keeping assets, experiences, and problems separate…just in case.  The problem is “me” can’t manage a marriage.  The mindset of “we” is what keeps us bonded together.  Without it, “me” usually ends up becoming a divorce statistic.  Me, you, us, we, mine, yours, ours.  The language of marriage quickly devolves into one down and dirty pronoun throwdown!

It seems obvious enough.  For a marital union to remain happy, it must be…well, united.  A union is formed when two become one.  Two individuals merging together to form a singularity.  If two individuals don’t wish to become one ~ financially or emotionally ~ they should also avoid a marital merge  and should, instead, travel as a parallel pair on a perpetual dating road.  But for those who do choose a marital merge and wish to prevent fatal accidents, the traffic lingo must be WE.

A study published in the journal Psychology and Aging followed 154 middle aged couples and had a front row seat to their pronoun throwdown.  Blood and gore galore!  Last one standing:  “WE!”  Those couples who stuck to plural pronouns… “our,” “us,” or “we” …were happier with one another and showed less physiological stress.  When conflict did arise, these couples showed more relaxed heart rates, had lower blood pressure, and were better able to resolve their conflict.  Opposite the plural pronoun victors were those who emphasized their separateness…using singular lingo such as “I,” “mine,” or “me.”  These couples weren’t as content in their marriages, had more difficulty resolving conflict, and displayed more negative facial expressions, tones of voice, and body language.  Hmmm…they were sore losers even before they lost. 

In today’s modern matrimony, some couples predict their own failure.  Before the marriage license is even signed, they anticipate divorce and make it a point to keep anything and everything separate…mine, yours, no confusion.  Some see it as savvy business sense or self-protection.  Some see it as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Our expectations sometimes predict, or cause, our outcomes.  Things like prenups, while my logical brain can justify them, scream “red light” to my emotional brain.  Entering into a union that is based on trust without trust seems a moot point.  Why open the door if you’re expecting an armed stranger?  And if you do open the door and arm both yourself and the “stranger” with ammo, fear and self-preservation will eliminate one…or both.

But that’s just finances.  Some couples choose the more treacherous road…emotional singularity.  Rather than focusing on financial assets, they focus on more intimate day-to-day experiences and problems.  Day after day, reiterating their separateness.

~ to the sick spouse ~ “You’re sick?  Ok, you stay home.  I’m going out.  See ya.”

~ to the wife who pleads for help with birth control ~ “Your body.  Your problem.  I’m not getting a vasectomy!”

~ to the husband who worries about money and struggles to support the family ~ “I AM buying this for myself.  I deserve it.”

~ to the wife who’s crying over a lost connection ~ “What’s your problem?  I’m here.  What more do you want?”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones…”  but words can break our bond.

Turns out words are much deadlier than sticks and stones, acting as poison darts firing upon an already choking emotional connection.  When we disconnect emotionally, we tend to quit thinking in terms of “we” and focus on “me.”  We’re no longer a team.  Gone are the days of “us against the world.”  We divvy up our metaphorical weapons and prepare to stand alone.  We stop making together plans, stop considering the other’s feelings, and begin carrying out our days alone only crossing paths when absolutely necessary.  Result…LISTEN UP!  The fat lady is singing.  D.i.v.o.r.c.e…it’s D-Day.  He finally has those double D’s he’s been dreaming of since his pubescent afternoons spent in the john.  Unfortunately, the only thing he’ll be “jerking” on is his wallet as the divorce lawyer charges him for giving her half of everything.  Uh-oh…the fantasy has gone horribly awry, no?

So, how do we take back our marriage?  And control our looming pronoun throwdown?

Experts say it’s simple…equality.  Neither husband, nor wife, dominating the relationship.  No “his.”  No “hers.”  Just “ours.”  Whether it’s financial assets, debt, problems, or plans…the concept of “us” suggests a team…working toward a common goal and providing support and confidence for one another.  Without the team mentality to help us through life’s storms, we’ll be drenched in the pouring rain hoping our tiny umbrella for one won’t attract the crackling lightning from above.

Scientists say our pronoun lingo is as telling about what goes on inside our marriage as an x-ray is of what goes on inside our body.  It can show a healthy body…or it can reveal a nasty cancer festering, growing,  and destroying its host. They say to master our marriage, we must master the art of togetherness while maintaining our own identities.  That we must share interests, feelings, ideas, experiences, and memories.  When shared, this common ground serves as our marriage fingerprint…gives it a uniqueness all its own.  No two alike.  This fingerprint is bonding as a couple and helps to create a sense of “we.”  Together, we’ve survived terrible twos, teenage rage, job loss, and dysfunctional families that make us want to bitch slap the Cosbys.  On the other hand…together,  we’ve enjoyed births, anniversaries, school plays, vacations, and holidays that would put a tear in Clark Griswold’s nostalgic eye. “We” persevered…together.  And together, “we” stand united to face whatever more this fickle life has to throw our way.  As long as WE control our pronoun throwdown.

Ditch the “‘me.”

Say “OUI” to “We!”

Chick Hughes

“The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” ~ Robert C. Dodds

Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family. She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at http://www.chickhughes.comto read more of her work. Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.

Communication Principles of Marriage

As this week’s inspiration says, Author Rob Flood credits the principle of first response  that helped him change his attitude and save his marriage. This principle tells us that the course of any conflict is determined by the responder, not the initiator. As the responder you have the power to determine the direction of the conversation. As unfair as it may seem, when your spouse angrily approaches you with a concern, you can make a choice to diffuse the situation with the type of response you give. You can make a choice to either pay attention to the message or the approach. If you focus on the message, you will be more likely to respond accordingly instead of trying to match his or her anger.

Flood also outlines the principle of physical touch that helped to save his marriage. Once an argument has already started, this principle is hard to apply. As such, if  you apply the first principle and diffuse the situation before a full blown argument starts, the second principle will be much easier to apply. This principle suggests that when you know you’re headed for war, hold hands, sit close to each other so you can naturally touch. Ever wonder why marriage counselors always make spouses face each other and hold hands? In my case, if a situation is really intense, I suggest that the couple sit with their backs touching each other so they are still touching but not distracted by each others’ facial expressions. This is because it’s hard to fight with someone when you’re making physical contact. Try it. The next time your spouse angrily approaches you with a problem that has obviously been bothering him or her for quite some time, take his or her hand, and say, “let’s sit down and talk about it.” Your response will likely surprise him or her enough to actually do what you are suggesting and you will let him or her know that you are interested in hearing his or her concerns. This will allow you both to work toward a solution instead of focusing on the argument.

Research suggests that only 7% of our communication are based on content; meaning, we don’t hear each other enough to even disagree on what each other are saying. What we are mainly arguing about is the fact that we are both angry and the approach; which is why 38% of communication is based on tone of voice and 55% is based on non-verbal signals such as facial expressions and gestures. Although the responsibility falls on both of the participants in the argument, it is easier to diffuse an argument via the response rather than the initiation. And throughout a marriage, both of you are definitely going to swap positions as the responder and the initiator.  As such, you may find yourself angrily approaching your spouse and need a gentle answer instead of harsh words as the response. Remember, it’s  not about being right or proving to each other that you could be on an episode of Law and Order, it’s about getting each other.

Solomon said, “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

Romancing your spouse

With all the stresses in our daily lives today, the most forgotten gift we can give our spouse is romance.  For example, last week, my husband came home late from working his second job with a pretty bag in his hand, he bent over to kiss me and said ”I know you always put yourself last–thank you for being such a good wife.”  In the bag was a brand new outfit for me!  What a man!  Now that’s romantic.  It’s not romantic because he bought me some material thing, but because of his thought process.  Like many families in these hard economic times, he works two jobs so we don’t get to spend a lot of extra time together.  The one day a weekend that we really see one another seems to fly right by and he thought by giving me something special he was showing me that he is always thinking about me.

Finding ways to be romantic with your husband or wife is not always as easy as it seems.  Men do not always admit that they like to be romanced, but they like to connect just as much as us women do.  Women like to be surprised where romance for a man is a confident, supportive woman.  Men do not like insecure women.  A man feels romanced when he is able to take his woman to a movie or a basketball game and she feels confident in her skin at either place.

With the men I spoke with about this issue, one of the main attributes of ultimate romance to them was the ability of a woman to be supportive, to stand by them, to encourage him that if he fails at something, he should try again.  The second attribute they discussed was emotional.   Men like to be told what they mean to you and how you are attracted to them.  They appreciate hearing a little praise every now and then.

Women on the other hand like candles, sunrises and sunsets. They love when you remember their birthdays and anniversaries.  They like flowers every now and then and a romantic dinner.  Often times,  a husband just making an effort to make dinner and/or cleaning up the house is a romantic gesture in and of itself.  It is telling your wife with actions that you appreciate her and all she does.  Scoring tickets to an important game for your husband is telling him with actions that you appreciate his hard work.

The most important aspect of romance is time.  Your time is special.  Even if it is only for an evening once a month on a weekend.  It means so much.  Taking time to reignite your love for your spouse is an amazing gift that you can give yourself.  So, call the babysitter and make it happen BFSO readers!  Get that romance rolling!

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Love Rules!

“Nearly 60% of the marriages in the United States end in divorce”

In focusing on the statistical data, one might say that the institute of marriage in our country is falling apart.  Most reasons for this include money, children, infidelity, lack of respect and the biggest of them all…non-communication.  It would seem that the odds are stacked against all of us who are currently married or remarried, especially for those who are newly divorced and hoping for remarriage one day.  Today, some folks are even making conscientious/constructive decisions not to get married at all.  The question I keep finding myself asking is this….How do we find unconditional love that conquers all?  Is this even obtainable?  Can love conquer all?  I believe the answer is: Yes, we can.

 Why were marriages of the past so successful?  Marriages of the past share the basic rules that we have today – only there is one difference.  That difference, to me, is unconditional love.  In our society today, we are molded around the idea that no matter what happens in our marriage, if we get the point that we can’t handle it – however simple the problem may be – we give up and allude to the fact that we can just “get divorced.”  It’s too easy to get divorced in today’s society.  It’s obvious that I totally understand that we live in a different world than did our grandparents and great-grandparents time, and obviously, we don’t have the social pressures to stay with our mates through thick and thin as they did back then, not to mention the fact that our society is always evolving and ever changing, but back then (at least from the stories told to me by my grandmothers) husbands and wives just had a lot more plain old mutual respect for one another.  They communicated, they shared meals together, they stuck by one another, they instilled family values in their children and they worked together at their marriages – they valued each other’s place in the family unit.  Sure, there were those bad apples around that spoiled the bunch, but mainly, marriage and family was first and foremost outside of religion for most people.

Albeit, let me put out my disclaimer that I am not (actually far from) an expert in marital counseling or in the institute of marriage itself, but in my opinion, in any union, the conviction that you have for your mate (whether in a traditional or non-traditional relationship) that he or she is valued and worthy of being loved by you is so important.  It is important that you do your best to make them feel admired and cherished by you.  My husband always makes me feel important to him.  This is one of his best qualities.  What he gives me is something that I never had in any other past relationship.  Now, I wonder why I ever allowed myself to settle for less in the past.  It is so rewarding to have the feeling of admiration and appreciation.  No marriage is perfect by far, but problems can be surmountable.  They can be overcome with plenty of love, patience, positivity, communication and conviction toward resolve. 

 To me, the difference between a good marriage and a GREAT marriage is conviction.  My principle passion is to have a happy home, family and life.  Is it hard sometimes? Of course!  Are there days where I think to myself….”Good Golly Miss Molly – What on Earth have I gotten myself into?”  Absolutely!  We all have these moments when we are frustrated in our marriages.  But, I have an assured belief that God has me and my husband right where he wants us to be and that is TOGETHER.  We put up with one another through thick and thin.  Couples that are able to dig deep enough to weather the storms together end up building marriages that stand the test of time in the long run.  They are unbreakable.  They overcome!  This is unconditional love.  Be blessed BFSO readers and let me know what tips you use to keep your marriage healthy, strong and happy.  I’d love to hear from you.

 Peace and blessings,
Di

Release your inner Spicy Wifey – www.spicywifey.com!

Hi BFSO Wifeys! I wanted to introduce you all to a fabulous new company that is specifically designed to help you either spruce up your spice or get your spice back altogether – Spicy Wifey!

Spicy Wifey is an Atlanta-based company designed to inspire and encourage married women and single women aspiring to be married to add “spice & flavor” to their marriage. Their purpose is to revitalize the role of the wife, create more positive perceptions of married life, and improve the quality of marriage for women and men. Through their products, services, and forums for exchanging and obtaining information, Spicy Wifey strives to bridge the gap between the roles of traditional and modern wives, empowering women to invigorate themselves and their relationships.

In a society where our divorce rate is soaring and every 2 out of 3 remarriages fail, how refreshing is it for a company to cater to and emphasize the importance of married life? I encourage you all to find your inner spice by visiting Spicy Wifey to shop for their FABULOUS products. From break away thongs and spicy cookbooks, to their fashionable signature t-shirts and cotton nighties; Spicy Wifey offers products and services designed to make and keep your marriages hot and spicy!

So, take time to focus on your marriage by spicing it up with some hot and Spicy Wifey products. Visit their online boutique at  www.spicywifey.com to shop NOW!  You can also visit their blog for more tips and information on how to reinvent your love life at www.spicywifey.blogspot.com.

Saying “I Love You”

The three words “I love you” can be the easiest words to speak for some and the most difficult for others. These words are thrown around so easily at times and not enough in some situations. I’m a “glass is half full” type of person (some may even say unrealistic) so I believe that most things (if not all) can be solved or on the way to being solved with love. With that being said, it’s easier said than done, of course.

Growing up, my mom and dad, even though they were divorced, never got off the phone with me, or put me to bed, or went to the grocery store without telling me they loved me. In turn I do the exact same (maybe to the point of embarrassment) with my daughters. Actions speak louder than words and I believe that. But there is nothing like hearing someone tell you that they love you and truly mean it. This means that someone is there for you, in some cases will give up their own life for you. They will take care and be there for you no matter what, and always take responsibility when they are wrong. That’s love.

From another perspective, my husband didn’t grow up in a lovey dovey everyone hugging everyone all the time type of home. The words “I love you” weren’t spoken but they were known. He and I talk about this quite often because in the beginning of our relationship I felt that I HAD to hear him tell me he loved me in order to be validated. He did love me and the more I felt I wasn’t hearing it enough, the more frustrated HE became because he was doing the very best he could. We were just raised differently and neither one of us were right or wrong. In his home actions truly speak louder than words; that is what they lived by and I love my mother and father-in-law for that. My sister-in-law sent me a text message today saying “Love is action. It speaks louder than words. A person would know even before you told them.” It really made me think.

My husband and I work because we balance each other. I have learned from him and he from me. I am secure and now know that my need to be “validated” constantly was a false sense of security for myself that I had to grow out of. Looking back there were several times those three little words were spoken to me with meaningless nonsense behind it – but it was said so I thought it was real.

My husband shows me he loves me in many ways that I recognize now that I wasn’t aware of when we were dating. He took his gestures as letting me know he loved me but I just took them as things he was doing. Now I know the love behind them and I appreciate the gestures AND him much much more.

I still tell him “I love you” everyday and every time we get off the phone. He says it back and will sometimes tell me first. This is many years in the making and makes me feel really good when I hear it even though I already know he loves me.

These three words carry over into my friendships as well. I do tell my close girlfriends that I love them because I do. If it weren’t for them, I wouldn’t be a complete person. They have helped me so much in my life, and I want them to know that I truly care and am grateful for them. That’s just me and how I was raised and that’s how I express my feelings. Life is just so short and over the past few weeks the realization that we as humans really are not invincible has truly become clear. So no matter how you do it, let the people you love know it – through your gestures or by simply saying “I love you”.

The Great Mother’s Day Debate

I’m sure this debate has been going on century after century but it has been brought up again this year. Should husbands get their wives Mother’s Day presents?  To me, that’s a no brainer – uh, yes!  Combine 36 hours of labor, three daughters, and too many to count stretch marks later I think I deserve at least a card.  But, here’s where the debate comes in.  I’m not my husband’s mother so it is Mother’s Day right?  He should be giving presents to his mom and not me right?  I have heard this argument from both sides. As I have found, even some mothers (of boys!!!) think that of course their sons need to spend Mother’s Day with their own mothers.  Of course this does vary by age and marital status. Some wives would be irate that their husbands would neglect them to spend the day with their mother.  Mothers want to spend the day with their children since they wouldn’t have a special day if it weren’t for them!!  Whew! It wears me out thinking about it. Then you throw in step-mothers, grandmothers, Aunts and then you really have a debacle!  Here are some tips on how to handle what should be a very nice day for ALL mothers:

1. Guys, no your wife is NOT your mother BUT a card or a nice note to acknowledge that she is the mother of your kids would be appreciated. Have a celebration in the morning with the whole family with a nice breakfast.
2. After you celebrate your wife as the mother of your kids and your kids have had a chance to honor her as well, then get dressed and go to each other’s respective mothers homes. If distance is a factor, make sure you call in the morning and let your kids talk to grandma too. Mothers and grandmothers like to know you are thinking of them on this day especially if you aren’t in the same town or state. Picking up the phone first thing will really make them happy and that way they know they are still on the top of your list.
3. Calling all mothers . . . if your child has a step-mother no matter what your relationship is with her please make sure your child calls or sees her this day as well!! It is not a threat to you to have your child have a good and loving relationship with their step-mother. In fact you should want to encourage that as your child is in her care when they visit your ex! Just a little inside tip!
4. Spend the afternoon or evening with your mothers who are in town. You can have a cookout or just a slice of cake. But this way the entire family gets to be with mom and grandma. And if you are really adventureous, invite your child’s step-mom too. If your child is close with both sides of their family why make them choose? You all can come together for an afternoon of food, celebration, and fun. You wouldn’t even have to have a big formal thing.  Just invite your ex and his wife over for a little while so your kids can enjoy everyone at once.  Now I know that won’t work in every family and some of you are saying “is she nuts?” BUT if you can stand it for just a little while it is beneficial for your kids.

So, this Mother’s Day let’s not sit around and debate. Just jump in and celebrate whatever way makes you and your family happy!!!!

For Better or Worse:Sex and Marriage, Part 2

This story was first published on BlackandMarriedWithKids.com.

by Eric Payne

Following last week’s conversation at Black And Married With Kids, I decided to take the question of sex and marriage one step further.  I wanted to know if the opinions on this subject were specific to men or women.

On my blog, MakesMeWannaHoller.com, I hosted a new poll in an effort to answer this question.  71% of respondents who thought their love lives had improved since marriage were women, whereas only 29% of men felt this way.  I naturally assumed that the majority of people who thought their love lives had deteriorated since marriage would be men.  I was wrong.  Men and women were evenly split, 50/50 on the matter. It turns out men and women have similar feelings about sex and the lack of it. Welcome to 2009, men.

If this sentiment isn’t gender specific, then what’s going on?  I believe the problem lies in the routine that the institution of marriage inevitably creates for two people.

A reader weighing on my post from last week stated, the “spontaneity and/or expectation of romance or sexiness [is canceled out],” by the comfort that comes from marriage.  In this writer’s opinion, it isn’t cancelled, but it is muted considerably.  The following is an all too typical scenario for couples: getting up at a certain time to get to work by a certain time and kids are in the picture, they have to be rustled out of bed, gotten ready for the day and hauled off to their respective daycare services and/or schools.  At the end of the workday the goal is to make sure to leave work by a certain time to ensure picking up the kids on time, putting food on the table, checking homework and getting everyone ready to do it all again the next day.  Typically after all this is done, then and only then, an opportunity for intimacy arises. By then one if not both spouses have worked a sixteen to eighteen hour day.  Repeat this routine five days in a row, every week for nine to ten months each year.  Add to this your healthy helping of daily stress and intimacy gets pushed further and further to the backburner until it simply ceases to exist.

Sometimes, some men will seek to “get some” despite these factors, skipping foreplay and cutting straight to the chase.  Wives usually have a standard rebuff for this, such as my personal favorite, “My face hurts,” spoken by actress, Gina Torres, in the Chris Rock movie, I Think I Love My Wife.  Wives want intimacy for two reasons in particular, 1) they deserve it; and 2) because most know they deserve it, anything less suggests a second-rate existence.  Unfortunately, this too can add stress and strain the relationship.

If you have a little patience than what I’ve just described, I believe one way to regain intimacy is through getting reacquainted and in some instances, acquainted.  Singles call this dating.  This requires couples to make time for just each other in addition to all the “work” that is required of marriage.  It can be done, although daunting, especially when you have kids.  There are thirty days in each month and 365 days in a year.  I, myself, went from being a non-believer, to managing to carve out one date with my wife once every two months to where I am as of the writing of this piece: twice a month, including an occasional surprise date.  I’m not out of the woods yet, but I’m getting there.

I made the time because my spouse and my marriage are worth it.  Are yours?

Eric Payne lives with his wife and kids just outside of New York City and writes about married life and fatherhood at MakesMeWannaHoller.com. He also writes a fatherhood column at MochaManual.com. He is the author of I See Through Eyes, a book of poetry and short stories. His short fiction has appeared in Spindle Magazine and DiddleDog Magazine.