Camille Grammer on Divorce

Camille Grammer - Photo Credit:Newscom

I am a reality television junkie. Yep, I admit it. I’ll watch anything from 19 Kids and Counting to Little People, Big World to Basketball Wives. One of my favorite reality series is the Real Housewives of…Atlanta, New Jersey, Orange County, New York and most recently, Beverly Hills. Due to my busy schedule I don’t always get to watch them when they come on, but I DVR them to watch later.

Yesterday, I got an opportunity to catch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and heard Camille Grammer talk about her separation from actor, Kelsey Grammer. She actually brought up some really important points that I’m sure most divorced moms can relate to. She explained how tough her job as a mom was because the kids are asking her all the questions about when daddy is coming home and Kelsey doesn’t have to help answer them because he’s not there. She went on to explain that she has to struggle to put on a happy face for them, but Kelsey basically just goes on with his life as usual. How many of my divorced moms/ex-wives/mothers can relate to what Camille is saying?I spend a lot of time talking about support for stepmothers and don’t get me wrong because I do think there just isn’t enough. However, as a woman who is also a mother/ex I do think that ex-wives/mother in Camille’s position can use a bit of understanding and  patience.

Oftentimes, as Camille has stated, the mother has to field all the when, why, what, and how questions while trying to figure them out herself. She has to think about how to tell her children that mommy and daddy aren’t going to be together anymore. She has to figure out how she’s going to support her children on one or even no (for mothers who were stay at home moms for years) income and she has to find some time to grieve for the lost of a family she thought she’d have forever. It’s frustrating and ridiculously overwhelming to do. And although dad may pop in every now and then to lend support, mom is the one who has to be there all the time, putting on that happy face and helping her children through the divorce. Although I don’t condone extreme behavior such as alienating your children from their father, bad-mouthing their father to them, or using them as pawns, I do understand certain irrational behavior that a mother might do simply because she is completely overwhelmed. Just think about the times that you have a million and one things running around in your head- you just got laid off and have to figure out how to live off  of one (your spouse’s) or no income; the furnace just broke; you just found out your oldest needs braces and a relative is very ill. But, you still have to take the kids to dance class, help with homework, answer their curious questions, smile AND figure out what your next move will be. Do you always use good judgement when you are overwhelmed with issues and important decisions to make? Can the slightest little thing cause you to breakdown when you already feel as if you’ve reached your breaking point? I’m raising my hand over here!

With the exception of the high conflict divorce cases, many issues with an understandably resentful ex-wife can be dealt with if dealt with in the right way. Below are some tips to help you take your co-parenting relationship from rocky to amicable.

1. Verbalize your understanding – One of the things my ex eventually did was to change his language. Instead of being accusatory, he began to express that he understood my position and just wanted to find a way to amicably work together.
2. Don’t react to everything – Every thing doesn’t warrant an adverse reaction. Appropriately respond to allegations or issues when necessary, but don’t escalate a battle by feeding into her frenzy.
3. Diffuse the situation – To piggyback on number 2, practice diffusing the situation when you can. If she is heated about something that you feel is no big deal, act like it’s no big deal. Don’t yell just because she’s yelling at you. If she sends a nasty email, don’t respond with nastiness. Throw her off by giving a response that she did not expect and watch how that situation transforms.
4. Set clear boundaries – Don’t be fickle. At this point, everyone needs clear boundaries. If totally integrating her into your new life isn’t your desire, be clear about that early on. Let her know that you respect her as the mother of your children and want her to always be part of their lives but you wish to limit your relationship regarding the children to things that can’t be split in two (school functions, recitals, graduation ceremonies, weddings, etc.).
5. Talk about it – One of the best things that my ex and I did/do was/is to talk through our issues when we were/are not in a heated battle. We sat down either by ourselves, or with our respective spouses to talk about moving forward as a synergistic unit. Talking, along with the above-mentioned tips, will help to create a more amicable situation if BOTH parties are active participants.

Divorce takes everyone for an emotional rollercoaster ride and it’s important that everyone on the ride practices some patience, understanding, effective communication and are committed to maintaining civility for the sake of the children. It is much easier to keep all this in mind before your situation gets out of control.

Brandi Glanville Speaks Out About Affair on “The Talk”

I’ve done a couple of stories on the whole Glanville vs. Rimes saga the past couple of months because I have been following this story for quite some time now. Today, Brandi Glanville, actor Eddie Cibrian’s former wife, finally broke her silence about his affair with country singer, Leann Rimes that ultimately broke up her marriage. Glanville appeared on new hit talk show, The Talk, to finally talk about the affair and divorce. She addressed the co-parenting tension between her ex-husband and his girlfriend, her recent arrest for drunk driving and making things better for her children.

Glanville expressed that the affair was a complete surprise to her because she thought they were happy. She said that they had normal marital issues during their 8 year marriage but nothing that she thought would end it. For a while she questioned whether or not it was her. She wondered if she was pretty enough, skinny enough. blonde enough. She went blonder, got botox and did what she felt she needed to do to feel adequate; only it didn’t help. After a year or so, she finally realized that it wasn’t that she wasn’t good enough, but Leann was just different. Not necessarily better, but different.

When Sharon Osbourne questioned whether or not Brandi had a drinking problem due to her recent DUI arrest, Brandi was adamant about not having a drinking problem. She admitted that she does drink when she’s feeling upset or lonely, but says that her mistake was driving that day. She went on to say that it is difficult for her to only have her children part-time, especially when she’s used to having them full-time. She said that it’s chaotic when they’re with her, but way too quiet when they are gone. Glanville admitted to getting lonely and not really knowing how to deal with it.  She also said that it doesn’t help that she doesn’t have her ex-husband’s house number to  get in touch with her children when they are with her.

In spite of everything that’s happened, however, Brandi said that her ultimate desire is to make peace with Leann Rimes for the sake of her children. She said that she reached out to her on Twitter to request that they sit down and discuss things, and Rimes has agreed to do so. Sharon Osbourne said that Leann contacted her to get her advice because Osbourne was the other woman at one point, and Osbourne encouraged her to meet with Glanville.

My Commentary on the Issue: Brandi Glanville seems like an absolute sweetheart and it is clear that Eddie just wanted something different because she is an attractive woman. I’m glad that she has stopped blaming herself and is trying to figure out the best way to handle this unfortunate situation for her kids.  Although I suspect that Brandi’s reactions to the affair and divorce have given her ex-husband “reason” to prohibit her from having his home number (let’s face it, not many would do that for no reason at all), I think he could have been a bit more sensitive and handled the situation better.  I don’t blame Glanville one bit for losing it at some point, after she heard about the affair and for having to deal with Leann. My gosh, she’s human. Her husband cheated on her and now she has to try to co-parent with him and his mistress. I’d be pissed and “wilding out,” too! Cibrian could be a bit more understanding and patient; realizing that HE brought this on because he didn’t handle the dissolution of his marriage properly. He should have told Glanville that he might be falling for Rimes BEFORE he started sleeping with her. I can’t stand it when a guy cheats but tries to make everybody think that the person he cheated on is crazy. She’s not crazy; she’s just mad and rightfully so.

That being said, I’m still confused as to why resolving the situation is all up to Brandi and Leann. Huh? Everybody’s advice to Glanville and Rimes is that they should sit down to figure out where they go from here and how to make the best of the situation for the kids’ sake. Isn’t it mom and dad’s responsibility to do that? I’m not faulting Rimes for the affair. All she did was fall in love with the wrong person and that happens sometimes. People keep saying, “but she knew he was married.” News flash…he knew he was married, too but that didn’t stop him! I don’t care if Rimes walked on set butt naked with an open invitation. As a married man, the one who took the vows with his wife, it was Eddie’s responsibility to decline the invitation. Both Eddie and Leann, however, need to be patient and understanding with Glanville. Instead of blocking her from calling the home phone, let her know that they are sorry that she’s hurting but want the best for the kids. I think it’s nice of Leann to accept Brandi’s invitation to talk and they probably should eventually. But, the first “sit down” needs to be between Eddie and Brandi. He needs to let her know that he was wrong for handling things the wrong way and he’s sorry for hurting her. Sometimes a woman just needs to hear those words to begin the healing process and make it easier for everyone to move on.

So let’s assign some of the blame and responsibility to its rightful owner. I am so sick of everyone talking about what Leann and Brandi should be doing to make things better. Why aren’t we talking about what Eddie should be doing to make things better for his kids? My advice would be for Eddie to contact Brandi first, so that they can discuss how to move forward as co-parents.

I wish them luck and I hope they work this out for the children.

LeAnn Rimes Controversial Shape Magazine Cover

credit: Shape Magazine

The October issue of Shape Magazine generated tons of press, but apparently, not for the right reasons. In it, country singer LeAnn Rimes opens up about why she cheated on former husband, Dean Sheremet with actor Eddie Cibrian, who was also married at the time. She also talks about how she used fitness to get her through that difficult time in life.

“My relationship with Dean was great, but ultimately it wasn’t a fulfilling marriage for either of us,” Rimes, 28, told the mag. “I understand why people are disappointed in me, especially since I grew up as America’s sweetheart.”

So why is the editor-in-chief of Shape so up in arms? Apparently, the magazine received some backlash from readers for putting her on the cover. In an email to subscribers, she [editor-in-chief] explained that she regrets the terrible mistake she made in deciding to put the country singer on the cover.

“You are all in good company (why I’m emailing you all together). As you all agree, Shape has made a terrible mistake in putting LeAnn Rimes on the cover.”

“Please know that our putting her on the cover was not meant to put a husband-stealer on a pedestal-but to show (through her story) how we all are human. And this woman in particular found strength in exercise in what she said was her most difficult personal moment.”

“But it did not come across that way…And for that I’m terribly sorry. I hope that we can do better the next time for those of you that will give us another chance.”

My Commentary on the Issue: Personally, I don’t agree with cheating. I just don’t get the point. If you no longer want to be married to your spouse, just tell him or her. Why do you have to cheat? Some say it’s about having your cake and eating it too; but, if that were the case, why do some leave their spouses to be with the other woman or man? I also don’t get the whole concept of “stealing” someone’s husband. Can you really steal a husband if he doesn’t want to go? Why is it that society always has to blame the other woman? After all, your husband is the one who ignored his vows and cheated. The “other woman” owes you nothing. But that’s neither here nor there. What I will say is that NO ONE – not Shape, not USA Today, not Huffington Post, Perez Hilton or any other media outlet knows the true story. We don’t know what was going in Rimes’ marriage or Cibrian’s marriage prior to them becoming a couple. As a  writer/blogger, I can see covering the story and I can see why people want to read it, but to judge her moral character based on something you know nothing about is wrong. I’m not saying she’s right or wrong. I’m saying I don’t know what truly happened. I do know what’s done is done, there are two children involved, and I’m sure all of them would be able to work it out much better without all the unsolicited opinions.

I wish all of them (Rimes, Cibrian and his ex-wife) luck in working this out, to the best of their ability, while minimizing the damage to the children.

Social Networking, Cyber-Straying and Your Marriage

Ah…the joys of technology.  We can’t live without our desktops, laptops and cell phones…or can we?  Social networking sites are all about connecting people, right?  Sure, that is correct;  however, in today’s society, they are also becoming an avenue for people to use to stray or shall I say….cyber-cheat!

Some ask the question, “is virtual or cyber socializing and straying actually cheating?  In my opinion, if a person feels the need to connect (either emotionally and especially physically) with someone else whether that be by virtual/cyber means or in person, and they take the necessary steps to do so, then absolutely, they would fall into the category of cheating.

Spouses/partners, often times, assume that their mates/significant others will agree that this type of behavior is harmless to their marriage, which in turn is setting unspoken expectations between you and your partner.  Of course, some sincerely feel that this type of behavior is not straying; however, this type of environment walks a very fine line.  If you value your marriage vows, you will be open to discussion about it with your partner.  Remember, anything that you are not being honest about is not healthy for your marriage/relationship.  Communicating the fact that your needs are not being met (whether emotionally or physically), instead of turning to an alternate source of fulfillment such as the internet, will help to avoid you or your partner from resorting to this alternative.

When networking becomes more than networking and turns into a “hook-up,” there is obviously a serious problem in your marriage.  If you are finding yourself up at 3:00 a.m. on the computer waiting on that “instant message” to arrive, your connection may not be as innocent as you are trying to minimize it to be.  My question would then be…”what are you getting out of this cyber-relationship that you are missing in your own marriage?”  That question then needs to be explored by both you and your spouse.

Although social networking has been very useful for the original purpose it was created (to engage business contacts, reunite classmates, etc.) it has now become a nightmare in some folks’ lives and marriages.  Before the invention of social networking, you had to connect with people the old fashioned way.  Furthermore, when you were trying to “hook-up” with someone, you had to take time to get to know that person.  Not any more.  The internet takes all that out of the equation.  It makes it really easy to feel that instant gratification of connection, therefore, making it easier to cyber-stray.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself to guard yourself against this type of behavior:

1. Would my spouse approve if I was talking face-to-face or on the telephone with the person I am constantly emailing, texting and tweeting with?
2. Am I not giving my spouse the benefit of the doubt by allowing him/her to know that I am lacking emotional and/or physical nurturing from him/her?
3. Would this behavior hurt my spouse?
4. Would this behavior hurt me if my spouse were doing same?
5. Am I being truthful with myself about my feelings?

Although social networking sites can become an escape for some people who are struggling with the pressures of day-to-day life such as family issues, work and children, allowing the breakdown of communication in this respect can cause irreparable damage to your marriage.  It takes courage to step back and look at the reality of your situation.  You may discover that if you analyze yourself and your true intentions, you will find that your need for “virtual hook-up” may just be an illusion and that illusion is definitely not worth your marriage.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Infidelity is No Longer Taboo

It’s all over the newspapers, ragmags and television.   The child of John Edwards’  mistress is his daughter.   Tiger Woods and his 14 “other women.”  We can’t seem to escape the subject of infidelity in today’s marriages.

If you have experienced infidelity in your personal relationship or marriage, you’re not alone.  Infidelity is one of the leading reasons for divorce, broken homes, domestic violence and disrupted children.

I recently read a fabulous book entitled “Why Men Cheat” written by Paul Blanchard.  In his book, the statistics concerning men in particular are stunning.  Most surveys taken put male infidelity at a figure above 60% with some studies showing that rate close to 75%.  These same statistics show that although women cheat as well, they are at least twice as faithful as their male counterparts.  Another stunning statistic is the rate among gay males.  It has been estimated that over 90% of gay males in long-term relationships cheat on their partners.

Although the after effects of infidelity often leads to divorce, some partners/spouses are able to muddle their way through to an end result of a stronger marital bond.  However, there are those instances where a partner or spouse learns to accept this type of behavior and the unfaithfulness continues.

According to Mr. Blanchard, only one out of every four men actually leave their wives for the other woman.  This is not surprising to me.  Most men do not cheat on their wives because they don’t love them.  It is usually because they are missing something emotionally.   Most people believe “men will be men” and that they will cheat because of their animalistic ways, but that is not true.  I have talked to several men who have experienced infidelity and almost all of them said they loved their wives but that she couldn’t connect with them emotionally.  This is definitely not a valid excuse, in my opinion;  however, it is something that women need to be made more aware of.  Mr. Blanchard goes on to say that the biggest myth believed by many is the idea that if a man is happily married, he will not cheat.  Wrong again!

As Mr. Blanchard so eloquently states, “love is not a rational feeling.  Sometimes it leads to pure happiness and other times it leads to pain.  It is such a powerful emotion that it changes lives and perspectives.”  My take from that is his reasoning for the above.  People make irrational mistakes that lead to pain in marriages and relationships in general.  It’s what we learn from those mistakes that matter in the end.  Unfortunately, we have to learn that divorce may be the consequence, and fortunately for some, that mistake may lead to a stronger relationship if the right help is asserted.

The institute of marriage has been attacked by infidelity.  Marriage has become less of a commitment and divorce has become an all too easy option.  When we commit to our marriages and take our precious vows, we are supposed to be bound to our trust and to our loyalty to our unions.  As has been often stated, marriage is hard work! Although the path through infidelity is a hard one to take, I believe that one can find restoration and healing through a renewed commitment to yourself and to your marriage as well as  through communication and open counseling.

Let me put out my disclaimer to you readers that by all means, I am not encouraging anyone to stay in an unhealthy marriage.  However, marriage is extremely personal to each individual and where immediately heading to divorce court might be good for one couple, it may not be the answer for the next.

My question would be…”What is your marriage worth to you?”   TMF readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this very touchy subject.  I welcome your thoughts and opinions.

Peace & Blessings,
Di