Social Networking, Cyber-Straying and Your Marriage

Ah…the joys of technology.  We can’t live without our desktops, laptops and cell phones…or can we?  Social networking sites are all about connecting people, right?  Sure, that is correct;  however, in today’s society, they are also becoming an avenue for people to use to stray or shall I say….cyber-cheat!

Some ask the question, “is virtual or cyber socializing and straying actually cheating?  In my opinion, if a person feels the need to connect (either emotionally and especially physically) with someone else whether that be by virtual/cyber means or in person, and they take the necessary steps to do so, then absolutely, they would fall into the category of cheating.

Spouses/partners, often times, assume that their mates/significant others will agree that this type of behavior is harmless to their marriage, which in turn is setting unspoken expectations between you and your partner.  Of course, some sincerely feel that this type of behavior is not straying; however, this type of environment walks a very fine line.  If you value your marriage vows, you will be open to discussion about it with your partner.  Remember, anything that you are not being honest about is not healthy for your marriage/relationship.  Communicating the fact that your needs are not being met (whether emotionally or physically), instead of turning to an alternate source of fulfillment such as the internet, will help to avoid you or your partner from resorting to this alternative.

When networking becomes more than networking and turns into a “hook-up,” there is obviously a serious problem in your marriage.  If you are finding yourself up at 3:00 a.m. on the computer waiting on that “instant message” to arrive, your connection may not be as innocent as you are trying to minimize it to be.  My question would then be…”what are you getting out of this cyber-relationship that you are missing in your own marriage?”  That question then needs to be explored by both you and your spouse.

Although social networking has been very useful for the original purpose it was created (to engage business contacts, reunite classmates, etc.) it has now become a nightmare in some folks’ lives and marriages.  Before the invention of social networking, you had to connect with people the old fashioned way.  Furthermore, when you were trying to “hook-up” with someone, you had to take time to get to know that person.  Not any more.  The internet takes all that out of the equation.  It makes it really easy to feel that instant gratification of connection, therefore, making it easier to cyber-stray.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself to guard yourself against this type of behavior:

1. Would my spouse approve if I was talking face-to-face or on the telephone with the person I am constantly emailing, texting and tweeting with?
2. Am I not giving my spouse the benefit of the doubt by allowing him/her to know that I am lacking emotional and/or physical nurturing from him/her?
3. Would this behavior hurt my spouse?
4. Would this behavior hurt me if my spouse were doing same?
5. Am I being truthful with myself about my feelings?

Although social networking sites can become an escape for some people who are struggling with the pressures of day-to-day life such as family issues, work and children, allowing the breakdown of communication in this respect can cause irreparable damage to your marriage.  It takes courage to step back and look at the reality of your situation.  You may discover that if you analyze yourself and your true intentions, you will find that your need for “virtual hook-up” may just be an illusion and that illusion is definitely not worth your marriage.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Infidelity is No Longer Taboo

It’s all over the newspapers, ragmags and television.   The child of John Edwards’  mistress is his daughter.   Tiger Woods and his 14 “other women.”  We can’t seem to escape the subject of infidelity in today’s marriages.

If you have experienced infidelity in your personal relationship or marriage, you’re not alone.  Infidelity is one of the leading reasons for divorce, broken homes, domestic violence and disrupted children.

I recently read a fabulous book entitled “Why Men Cheat” written by Paul Blanchard.  In his book, the statistics concerning men in particular are stunning.  Most surveys taken put male infidelity at a figure above 60% with some studies showing that rate close to 75%.  These same statistics show that although women cheat as well, they are at least twice as faithful as their male counterparts.  Another stunning statistic is the rate among gay males.  It has been estimated that over 90% of gay males in long-term relationships cheat on their partners.

Although the after effects of infidelity often leads to divorce, some partners/spouses are able to muddle their way through to an end result of a stronger marital bond.  However, there are those instances where a partner or spouse learns to accept this type of behavior and the unfaithfulness continues.

According to Mr. Blanchard, only one out of every four men actually leave their wives for the other woman.  This is not surprising to me.  Most men do not cheat on their wives because they don’t love them.  It is usually because they are missing something emotionally.   Most people believe “men will be men” and that they will cheat because of their animalistic ways, but that is not true.  I have talked to several men who have experienced infidelity and almost all of them said they loved their wives but that she couldn’t connect with them emotionally.  This is definitely not a valid excuse, in my opinion;  however, it is something that women need to be made more aware of.  Mr. Blanchard goes on to say that the biggest myth believed by many is the idea that if a man is happily married, he will not cheat.  Wrong again!

As Mr. Blanchard so eloquently states, “love is not a rational feeling.  Sometimes it leads to pure happiness and other times it leads to pain.  It is such a powerful emotion that it changes lives and perspectives.”  My take from that is his reasoning for the above.  People make irrational mistakes that lead to pain in marriages and relationships in general.  It’s what we learn from those mistakes that matter in the end.  Unfortunately, we have to learn that divorce may be the consequence, and fortunately for some, that mistake may lead to a stronger relationship if the right help is asserted.

The institute of marriage has been attacked by infidelity.  Marriage has become less of a commitment and divorce has become an all too easy option.  When we commit to our marriages and take our precious vows, we are supposed to be bound to our trust and to our loyalty to our unions.  As has been often stated, marriage is hard work! Although the path through infidelity is a hard one to take, I believe that one can find restoration and healing through a renewed commitment to yourself and to your marriage as well as  through communication and open counseling.

Let me put out my disclaimer to you readers that by all means, I am not encouraging anyone to stay in an unhealthy marriage.  However, marriage is extremely personal to each individual and where immediately heading to divorce court might be good for one couple, it may not be the answer for the next.

My question would be…”What is your marriage worth to you?”   TMF readers, I would love to hear your opinion on this very touchy subject.  I welcome your thoughts and opinions.

Peace & Blessings,
Di