Happy New Year – 2012!

TMF Readers, Kela and I want to thank you for being such loyal readers throughout the past year and most importantly, we want to wish you and your families all of the peace, joy and goodwill that your hearts desire.  May your New Year be the best year yet for you and it is our hope that you will continue to come to our site and enjoy what is upon our hearts to share with each and every one of you.  Kela and I have had a tremendous year filled with our share of mishaps but the joy certainly outweighed the bad and we are better women, mothers, sibilings, parents, step-parents and spouses for it.

In the coming year, we are hoping to give you more.  Kela is diligently working on the fabulous Joyful Mind Project and you readers will be absolutely amazed.  Kela and I will continue to keep Todays Modern Family your “go to” place for advice and great articles on the sensitive issues facing blended families today.

As 2011 closes, both Kela and I want to thank our readers for their continued support.   In closing, as Edith Lovejoy Pierce once quoted….”We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

Peace & Blessings for a Wonderful New Year!

Diane and Kela

Cosigners…or….True Friends?

The old saying goes like this….”A friend in need is a friend indeed.”  For a long time, I always thought that the meaning of true friendship was (1) someone who stands by your side no matter what, (2) someone who hurts when you hurt and (3) someone that tells you exactly what you want to hear when you need to hear it.

Well, in my more mature years, I have come to know that numbers 1 and 2 above are absolutely correct, but number 3 is more than a half truth.  As friends, especially as women, we need true friends and true friends are not what Kela and I call co-signers.  For example, there have been many times that I have needed advice and thought I was absolutely in the right in my thinking, in my feelings, my actions and my reactions.  Albeit, I may be one of the luckiest women in the world to have a friend like Kela that will not just tell me the truth, she will downright tell me when I am in the wrong.  Many times, I have had to be put in check and yes, it is hard to hear constructive criticism and it was far from what I really wanted to hear at the time, but was absolutely needed in order to move forward and in order to progress personally and professionally.  With these lessons, Kela has made me a better friend to her and to others.

Ladies, we need each other.  There are just things that our husbands don’t understand and our kids shouldn’t be privy to.  There are times when we need a good listening ear of a girlfriend.  However, that listening ear needs to be level for our own well-being.  As friends, we need to be comfortable in our skin to tell one another the whole truth and nothing but the truth without feeling the need to cosign.  Cosigning is not healthy for either party.  In fact, it accomplishes nothing but short term gratification and the end result usually backfires on you.

TMF Readers, true friends see you from the inside out.  They are by your side when we are not at our best.  A true friend stands by you even when you take a stance on something they might not think will work because they believe in your ideas.  They let you make your own mistakes so you can personally learn the lesson without them having to say “I told you so.”  A true friend loves you for who you are, not what you can do for them.  They stand beside you, they work with you.  A true friend knows all of the good about you and all of the not so good but could care less.

A true friend never cosigns for the simple reason of making you feel better, they give you the truth and leave their opinions aside because they know that their opinion may be biased toward you.

True friends are difficult to find, hard to leave and impossible to forget and I am truly blessed to have you Kela.  Thank you for allowing me to ride along on this journey with you.  Thank you for believing in my ability as a coach and as your friend.  I only hope that one day I can help you as much as you have helped me to be a better person.

Diane

JACKIE CHRISTIE “KNOWS BEST”

TMF Readers, let me introduce you to the fabulous Jackie Christie, wife of NBA Superstar Doug Christie, fashion entrepreneur, CEO of her own Record Label, 4 time best selling author and a woman that was just named the National Association of Professional Women’s 2011 Woman of the Year!

Jackie, welcome to Today’s Modern Family. Let me start this interview by saying to you that I am in complete awe of you. You are doing big things and I admire you for your passion and how far you have come not just for yourself and your family but for all women! Congratulations on being named the National Association of Professional Women’s 2011 Woman of the Year. What an accomplishment! You are certainly an inspiration to me and to lots of young women out there who aspire to have more so thank you for allowing Today’s Modern Family to have this opportunity to interview you.

TMF:  You are a wife, mother of three, fashion designer, model, producer, CEO of a record company and best-selling author. How do you balance being a wife, mother and entrepreneur?

JC: Balancing them all is definitely not easy. I had to learn how to prioritize. If what you really wants is to be the best wife, mother, friend and daughter you can be then everything outside of that has no place in your life. For me, I like to set goals and make lists of things I want to get done and accomplish everyday and I work hard to complete my goals. I always put my family first and insure they are all getting everything they need from me; this allows me the clarity to continue my life’s journey of navigating my businesses, writing my books, designing my lines, running my label, etc. It truly is rewarding at the end of the day when I know I helped someone realize their dreams, made my kids smile or completed my to do list; It feels really good and It helps me feel balanced.

TMF: Its no secret that being a basketball wife can be very difficult and you are known for stopping at nothing to protect your marriage. How do the two of you maintain such a strong relationship?

JC:  We love and respect each other to the fullest & put each other first. We communicate about everything no matter what and we are best friends. When you have all these things in your relationship it makes the intimacy even greater (smiles.)

TMF:  Let’s talk about your latest book titled “Sexual Relations, A His and Hers Guide to Greater Intimacy.” Obviously, the title speaks for itself and we here at Today’s Modern Family love to put emphasis on how important it is to continue to court our spouses in order to maintain the intimacy that is crucial to the survival of our relationships. So, I am dying to know what made you, personally, want to create a his/hers guide like this and when can we expect it to hit the shelves?

JC : My new book “Sexual Relations: A His and Her Guide To Greater Intimacy” Is a modern day sex bible. It will be the go to book for men and women to help them experience greater intimacy in their lives. I feel I have been extremely blessed with a strong libido and sexual desire which I feel is a big part of having a strong and committed relationship/marriage. I have been blessed with my husband Doug in that he loves me and desires me in the deepest possible way. We are always asked how we are still so much in love, so now in my new book I will share my secrets to having a long-lasting beautiful and fulfilling relationship as well as many other surprises.

TMF:  In 2009 you launched your Colored Girl fashion collection and in 2011 the Jackie Christie Black Collection both to rave reviews! Tell us where your inspiration in the world of fashion comes from.

JC: I draw inspiration from so many places, whether it’s reading a book, walking along the beach, meeting new people or having lunch in a nice restaurant. The love I have for fashion is un-measurable and I always design from my heart. When I designed my Colored Girl line, I was inspired by all the amazing beautiful women around the world from all sizes, nationalities and backgrounds. I feel like every woman on earth should feel beautiful, so when I design I do it with that in mind.

TMF:  Your latest project is an upcoming web series, “Jackie Christie Knows Best”. Tell us more about this and what inspired you to do the show?

JC: Maya Angelou once said “when you learn — teach”, and so I feel like I have a lot that I can teach men and women. My web series is going to be both entertaining and informative. I have a lot of really great celebrity interviews, special guest appearances and more. I don’t want to give away all the surprises so I encourage you all to tune in. (smiles)

TMF:  I also understand that through this web series, you will be raising funds for unemployed women and single mothers. Can you tell me more about this and why you chose unemployed women and single mothers?

JC: Yes, I wanted to reach out to single mothers and unemployed women because I know what it’s like to be in that situation. For a short time I was an unemployed mother and that’s when I decided I wanted to own my own business and I feel that there’s not that many programs geared toward helping women that are in these situations. I feel like through my web series I could bring attention to the growing issue of single mothers and unemployed women. I feel like its apart of my responsibility to help raise money and help erase their struggle by donating money, clothes, etc.

TMF:  Now for some fun questions…

What does the term modern mom mean to you?

JC: Wow! The term modern mom to me means a renaissance women and multi tasker! It also signifies [to me] a strong women that loves her family and herself and wants to be happy and fulfilled. When a person is happy within themselves it shows and radiates to their family , friends and everyone else.

What is your definition of a good marriage?

JC: True love, respect, commitment, intimacy, friendship and communication.

What is your notion of family?

JC: My notion of family is an unbreakable bond shared amongst a family; it is a gift from God that we must cherish always. Even in the closest of families there will be ups and downs but a family that respects, loves and cherishes each other and keeps God first can overcome any and all obstacles. To me, family is everything.

Well, Jackie, let me close by saying I have thoroughly enjoyed this interview. I am a big fan of you and Doug Christie and we here at Today’s Modern Family have been honored to have you with us. Please feel free to come by and visit with us anytime.

JC: Thank You so much! We definitely will. I would love for all of you to become my twitter pals and I’ll be yours. I’m at twitter.com/JackieChristie.

Former Basketball Wife, Tami Roman, Speaks Candidly About Life After Divorce

 When I first approached the newest cast member of VH1′s second season of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman, about doing an interview on Today’s Modern Family, I must say I wasn’t surprised by her humble response. “I would be honored to do an interview for you,” she said. By that one simple statement, I knew that Tami Roman was a very different person than what has been projected in the media and by what we see on the edited reality show. Tami is an extremely down to earth, very real chick who was eager and gracious enough to speak candidly with me about her journey from the Real World reality show to marriage to high profile professional basketball player, Kenny Anderson, to single mother on welfare and to finding love again.

Newest Star of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman

Marriage to and Divorce from Professional Basketball Player

When Tami met, fell in love with and eventually married Kenny Anderson, she thought it would be forever.  She got everything she had been hoping for when she was younger; a beautiful home, financial stability and a husband. She expressed how she soon began to lose sight of reality as her privileged lifestyle came with a certain status that she felt was now her norm. Although Tami seemingly had everything she had been hoping for since she was a child, she wasn’t prepared for what she didn’t get from her husband; respect, love, honor, integrity and commitment.

 Eventually, Kenny had multiple affairs that ultimately led to the demise of the marriage. But because she too came from a broken home and was raised without a father; she didn’t want that for Lyric and Jazz, the beautiful daughters that she shares with Kenny. As a result, she accepted the infidelity for as long as she did because of them.

After the divorce Tami expressed that things got really bad between her and Kenny and Tami admitted to not always making the best decisions regarding her daughters and their relationship with their father. She openly expressed that she did not know how to co-parent and feels as if her daughters suffered because of it.

“By the time Kenny and I got divorced, it was really, really bad. We couldn’t have a conversation for two minutes without yelling at each other, cursing each other or hanging up the phone,” she said.

Because Kenny has been so adamant about Tami keeping the girls away from him and has given that as his reason for lack of involvement; I asked Tami if she intentionally or maybe even subconsciously kept him away from the kids.

“Again, by the time we divorced it [our communication with each other] was really bad. Now we had to try to co-parent and make arrangements for my daughters, who were only 6 and 4 at the time, to see their dad. Kenny wanted me to put my 6 and 4 year old on a plane by themselves and fly them to wherever he was, and I wasn’t okay with that. So, in his mind, I was keeping the kids away from him. In my mind, I was just being a mother and looking out for my children. And so, we could never come to a happy medium,” Tami explained.

Moving forward Tami expressed how she wanted her daughters and Kenny to continue to develop some type of relationship. Although she’s grateful that they have began to do so, she is realistic and knows that it will take baby steps to eventually get to her desired outcome, and that is that Lyric and Jazz will truly know their father as a person and not just in name only.

The Downfall

During the first couple of episodes of Basketball Wives, Tami candidly spoke about going from wife of a professional basketball player to single mother on welfare. During our interview she went on to explain that although she did sign a prenuptial agreement prior to marrying Kenny, that basically said, “what you came with is what you’re leaving with,” that agreement did not apply to their daughters. Kenny did pay a large monthly sum of money for Lyric and Jazz post divorce, for a period of time.  However, she admitted that she did not make good financial decisions because she was trying to maintain the lifestyle that she had when she was married to their father; not understanding that the reality was that she was no longer married to their father. Tami described how she let a lot of people take control of her life and in turn, wasn’t making proper maternal decisions for her daughters.

“People would say things like, ‘you can’t live in that house, you need this house,’ or ‘your kids don’t need to be shopping at Target.’ And I allowed all of that to alter my perception of my real reality and that was that I was divorced and a single mother.”

 Tami tried to maintain a lifestyle that she admits she didn’t necessarily need and looked up one day and the funds were depleted. Roman holds herself accountable for her financial crisis and insists that she does not blame Kenny for it. She explained that if she had managed her finances the way she should have before Kenny stopped paying child support, there would not have been a downfall, but she didn’t and takes sole responsibility for it.

Basketball Wives

Tami expressed that she was actually approached by VH1 for the first season of Basketball Wives but turned it down because she had worked for 10 years trying to distance herself from the whole reality television genre. She had actually re-entered into corporate America as a financial analyst and would have rather done that than another reality show. However, as she prayed about her journey and what God wanted her to learn from it, she decided that it would be a great opportunity to be a living testimony. She explained how it took her moving through her storm to realize that Kenny was not to blame for everything that has happened to her, but she had to be accountable for her mistakes after their marriage. As a result, she thought that she could perhaps educate others who have experienced or are experiencing similar circumstances.

“I needed for men to see what happens when you’re not emotionally there for your children. I needed for women to see that when you’re in a situation and making money, it’s not about pushing the Louis Vuitton; it’s about investing and making the right choices for the future instead of solely living in that moment,” said Tami.

What’s Next for Tami

Currently, Tami Roman is definitely in love again and explained how the adversity that she has faced, has actually made her better for her current partner. When I asked about her current beau, I could hear the glow in Tami’s face which made the picture much more vivid. She and independent film maker, which she wishes to remain anonymous, have been going strong for 3 years now and are happy with the family they have created. Although they haven’t solidified any wedding plans just yet, they have talked about it.

“I am so in love and it’s definitely a beautiful place to be. After you have gone through something that’s not right, you can definitely recognize when it is right. Because we’ve both been married before, we didn’t think we needed to get married to validate our our love for each other, initially. However, as we have progressed in our relationship, we have talked about it,” said Roman.

Tami is still acting as well and jokingly said that Tyler Perry needs to hurry up and give her a call for a role in his next film. She is also working on a book about her life, which she hopes will give people an inside view as to who the real Tami is. In addition to all of that, Tami still finds time to give back and is working with a charity called Project Girl; a troop of spoken word artists who range from age 13 to 18, and go around to schools to mentor young girls through spoken word.

From publicly talking about her abortion on the Real World over 10 years ago, to candidly airing her co-parenting issues with ex-husband, Kenny Anderson, on VH1′s second season of Basketball Wives, Tami Roman displays an authenticity and vulnerability that makes her relatable, human and definitely someone you’d want to hang out with. She definitely makes the top of our superchick list!

Please be sure to catch Tami on the second season of Basketball Wives, Sundays at 8/7 Central on VH1.

Noncustodial Mom and Founder of CFAA Speaks Out

The next guest in our interview series with dynamic women is a non-custodial mom, competitive fitness athlete, survivor of domestic violence AND my cousin (I’m so proud that I get to say that), Nichole Cruz. Before I share her insight on fitness, motherhood, divorce and moving on, let me share what I have learned from her. No matter what she has struggled with she is not bitter; she’s better because of it. She has learned to channel any negative feelings she has as a result of her circumstances through fitness, accept her reality and try to make the best of it. Check out our interview below and enjoy!

Kela: You are a divorced mom of 3; is it difficult to balance dating, work and motherhood?

 Nichole:  When the children were younger, being a divorced mother and juggling day to day tasks was quite challenging and exhausting.  After my divorce I maintained working hours that were conducive to motherhood 8 to 5pm and even starting my own business to create my own hours.  I also incorporated my children into my workout routine; taking them to a local track and bringing along soccer balls and bikes so they can exercise while I ran.  In terms of dating, it was always important for me to keep my social life separate from my role as a mother.  I dated when the children were spending their time with their father.  It’s never easy dividing your time, however putting each role into their respective levels of importance is key. 

 Kela: Divorce is difficult for most, as we all know. How has fitness empowered you, not only physically but emotionally and mentally?

 Nichole:  I am a survivor of domestic violence.  I began my transformation a tad bit backwards, from the outside in.  After my third child, I returned to the gym with a friend of mine and began to gain physical strength and transforming my body.  As the physical changes emerged, the emotional and mental changes followed.  I began to rediscover my outer and inner strength which in turn, empowered me to leave the marriage, as a stay-at-home Mom, with no money – only my children and a minivan to my name.  One’s sense of self and self-confidence comes from FEELING good on the inside.  I began mine from the outside: I felt confident looking in the mirror which transformed my inner being.  The Phoenix tattoo on my back was a symbol of rebirth – of going through hell and emerging stronger and more powerful than before.

 Kela: How difficult is it being a non-custodial mom? What are some things that you did to cope once the custody decision was made? How did you help your children cope?

 Nichole: Traditionally, women were awarded custodial custody of the children post divorce, which was initially what happened in my case.  As the children grew, my ex-husband and I amended the original parenting agreement several times and most recently via a custody battle, my children’s father was awarded custodial parenting time.  Although it was not by choice, I had to determine how I was going to maintain my relationship with my children as they were accustomed to.  Because they are teenagers, it is a little easier to cope with the decision although it is still unsettling.  They all have cell phones, so I will either text or call them daily.  I ensure that I am involved with their education by keeping in contact with their teachers, keeping up with their grades and attending their sporting and school functions.  I try to stay involved in every aspect of their lives so that where they sleep doesn’t limit their contact with me or mine with them.   I also make sure that my parenting time with them is quality time, reconnecting and enjoying each other’s company, yet getting down to business and still being “Mom.”

 Kela: What advice do you have for other divorced moms? Non-Custodial moms?

 Nichole: My advice to other divorced Mom’s would be to make sure you stand up for what you want in terms of your children.  Your voice is extremely important and deserves to be heard.  As a non-custodial Mom, you may have to fight harder in order for your wants for your children to be heard and valued.  Don’t allow anyone to make you feel lesser than a mother because the legal system dictated the percentage of time you are allowed with your children.  Make sure the children know that you love them and are always accessible to them regardless of where they reside.

 Kela: Okay, let’s talk fitness. Give me 4 easy, but beneficial exercises a mom can do from the comfort of her own home?

 Nichole: This is my passion!  There are so many things you can do at home to stay in shape!  Body weight exercises are perfect to tone your muscles without going to a gym.  The following is a sample circuit which incorporates cardio and weight bearing exercises to get that metabolism stoked!

 60 seconds jumping jacks/running in place

60 seconds squats – thighs parallel to the ground

60 seconds push ups – if it gets tough, drop to your knees but KEEP MOVING

60 seconds crunches/sit ups (10 crunches, 10 situps – rotate for 60 seconds)

60 second rest

Repeat circuit 5 times – you will have completed 25 minutes of a muscle toning, total body workout! 

 Kela: How important is physical fitness for those who lead stressful lives?

Nichole: Physical fitness is not only important for the average individual, but more so for those who have stressful lives.  Exercise can cause release of chemicals called endorphins into your blood stream. These give you a feeling of happiness and positively affect your overall sense of well-being. Physically, exercise improves your cardiovascular functions by strengthening and enlarging the heart, causing greater elasticity of the blood vessels, increasing oxygen throughout your body, and lowering your blood levels of fats such as cholesterol and triglycerides. All of this, of course, means less chance of developing heart conditions, strokes, or high blood pressure. Mentally, exercise provides an outlet for negative emotions such as frustration, anger, and irritability, thereby promoting a more positive mood and outlook. Exercise improves mood by producing positive biochemical changes in the body and brain. Regular exercise reduces the amount of adrenal hormones your body releases in response to stress.  Beyond the stress, it’s important to model a healthy lifestyle for your children.  Our children are becoming more sedentary as our society increases technology.  Being fit increases the likelihood that your children an even your grandchildren adopt a healthy lifestyle and opt for healthy choices. 

 I am a 38 year young mother of three, a Personal Trainer as well as a Competitive Fitness Athlete.  I have been competing in Figure Competitions for approximately 4 years and most recently placed 5^th in a local competition.  I have developed an association: CFAA -Competitive Fitness Athletes Association, to promote, develop and cultivate the competitive fitness athlete of color.  To learn more about the sport and about CFAA please email me:  cfathletes@gmail.com.  The website is soon to follow.

Personal Thanks to Our Readers!

Hi Readers!

I hope you all had  a very Happy Thanksgiving! Thanksgiving with my husband, children, brother, sister-in-law, nieces, nephews, mom and a host of cousins was absolutely wonderful. It was also my baby boy’s first Thanksgiving and I was happy that he could be surrounded by family. Incidentally, I want to share with you a little something that my firstborn said while riding in the car to see the downtown Christmas lights today. Often times, he just fires out these statements without any proding or prompting; just thoughts in his very mature, analytical head that come out just because.

  “You know what mom and dad (he calls my husband dad), I have A LOT of family! I have you two and your sides of the family, my other dad and other mom and their sides of the family and brothers and a sister and I love it,” he said.

To which we replied by telling him how absolutely fortunate he is to feel loved by and to give love to, so many people. It warmed my heart to know that this is what he thinks about, from time to time and shares for no reason at all. This is what he feels because of what we [his parents] are conveying to him, and I think to myself – gosh, we must be do something right. I’m not saying we’re perfect because we all have had our share of disagreements and strife, but we’ve done our best to work them out AND we’ve shielded him from any conflict that could have been damaging long-term. Instead, he sees a family that loves him and works together; and yes, a family that experiences conflict, from time to time. However, he also witnesses us (parents and co-parents) putting our heads together to work it out and for this, I am thankful for.

I am also thankful for all of you! Thanks to all of my readers and supporters of Today’s Modern Family. Thank you for sharing your stories and allowing me to share mine. Thanks for venting your frustrations and allowing me to do the same. Thanks for listening and thanks for making others feel as if they are not alone on their respective journeys. More importantly, thanks for opening my mind to new perspectives. I enjoy learning from and I appreciate each and every one of you!

~Kela

Co-Parenting 101 Interviews Kela Price of Today’s Modern Family

Hi TMF Readers,

I hope you all enjoyed my chat with Deesha Philyaw from Co-Parenting 101. I personally enjoyed her transparency and insight into co-parenting and divorce. If you missed it (shame on you), but be sure to check it out here.

Also, Deesha turned the tables and interviewed me for her website and co-parenting information resource, Co-Parenting 101. Have a look here and leave a commen to let us know what you think.

Thanks!

Helping Children Develop Healthy Lifestyles and Body Images

Recently, a reader emailed a question that he had about his 11 year old step-daughter. He said that he and his wife were concerned about her weight, and fear that she might develop issues with her body image. Below is how I responded.

Kela’s response: Many parents have concerns about their child’s weight and body image, whether boys or girls, nowadays. It doesn’t help that our society has created inactive children who are prone to be overweight because of video games and television. When I was kid we had cartoons on Saturdays and the Atari, which came with like 3 or 4 built in games. We didn’t have Disney Channel 1 -35, 20 different forms of Nickolodeon and 35 different forms of Cartoon Network. We also didn’t have Wiis, XBox 360′s, PsP’s, Nintendo Ds’s, Ps3′s, etc. As such, it was normal for my brother and I to stay outside from sun up to sun down, and even when it snowed we were out building snowmen and making angels in the snow. Our generation was WAY more active.

Today’s generation is not only inactive, but they are also plagued with other stress that affects their eating habits. For example, children of divorce may be more apt to turn to food as a means of control. They may feel like they can’t control anything else that’s going on in their world, but what they do have control over is what they put in their mouths. As such, it may seem like they are overeating because they are eating all the time. The good news is that parents don’t have to sit back and watch it happen, and more importantly, can monitor the situation while teaching their children to be more in control of their choices by offering healthier choices and making lifestyle changes as a family.

You have to be really sensitive with your approach when it comes to talking to young girls and boys about their weight. My suggestion would be to not even broach the subject of weight. Kids are way too sensitive at the teens/tweens age and you might create some future body image issues. What I tell parents and have done myself, is approach it from a health standpoint. Emphasize how important it is to make healthy eating choices, and how important it is to do something active everyday. For example, I love the Wii Fit! Because it’s a video game format, it appeals to children. I encourage (okay I make) my son do 30 minutes on the Wii Fit each day. He isn’t an overweight kid or anything, but I noticed that he was choosing the wrong foods and not being as active as I would have liked, years ago. Daily exercise also release some powerful endorphins, which can help to relieve any stress that children might be experiencing.

The next thing I did was talk about his eating habits. We have a history of diabetes in our family, so I approached it from that angle; telling him how important it was to make healthy choices now, so he doesn’t have to deal with the disease that his grandpa passed away from and his uncle is dealing with now, in the future. I then realized how important it was for my husband and I to LEAD BY EXAMPLE! To this day, we keep a limited amount of junk food in our cupboards; usually healthy chips and popcorn. We don’t keep candy bars and snack cakes, or anything like that. So, when he does sneak something, it’s healthy and he can’t sneak a lot because we don’t keep a lot in the house. We have replaced junk food with healthy choices like fruit, nuts and chex mix. We have changed our lifestyle as a family; opting to go roller skating instead of going to the movies, as well as having Wii Fit challenges as a family. This overall lifestyle change has done wonders for not only our son, but our family as a whole.

It’s also important for parents not to worry too much about their child’s weight. As children grow, their bodies go through MANY different transitions. At some points they may be heavier and at others, thin as a rail. What’s most important is that you focus on healthy living, including healthy eating habits and regular exercise.

What about you? How do you encourage healthy lifestyle habits without talking about weight? Help this reader out.

Do you constantly seek approval outside of your marriage?

Isn’t it funny how married people in general seek approval from anyone and everyone who is OUTSIDE of their marriage? We want mom to approve of and agree with all of our parenting choices. We want ex-spouses, even, to approve of our new spouse. If we have kids, we seek their approval as well. Some might even seek the approval of friends. But, often times, the last person we seek approval from is our SPOUSE. Instead, we expect and automatically assume that he or she will be just fine with all of our choices, thereby taking him or her for granted.

There are more than a few passages in the bible that give explanation regarding the institution of marriage.  Genesis 2:23-24 says, “The man said, ‘This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called “woman,” for she was taken out of man.’ For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.”

Matthew 19:6 says, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”

Ephesians 5:25-31 says, “In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church. For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh”

I didn’t detect anything about ex-spouses, in-laws, parents or friends in any of those statements. A husband and wife are supposed to cling to each other, love each other as they would love themselves and fully support each other in their union. There is no room for anyone else in a marriage.

So many times, I’ve heard husbands say that they just don’t want to upset their EX-wives; children who say that their mothers’ approval of their marriage, their parenting styles and their spouses are like unbearable thorns in their side because they work so hard to gain what they feel they’ll never get – her approval, and even wives who work extra hard to gain the approval of their spouse’s ex-spouse. What I rarely hear or witness any of them doing is considering their spouse’s feelings, thoughts or opinions when it comes to the matter that seek approval on. Well, at least not until I bring it up.

With the divorce rate steadily climbing, it’s no secret that married couples are doing something wrong, and the main problem that I see is couples automatically starting off viewing their marriage as something that is temporary instead of permanent. It is true that your mother will always be your mother; your ex-spouse will always be the parent of your child and your sibling will always be your sibling. However, the same is true of your spouse and you should view him or  her with the same permanency that you do the others.

Now this doesn’t mean that you will never take anybody else’s opinions or feelings into consideration because you will. But, you should work to please your spouse while considering the others, and not the other way around. Your marriage is not a presidential election in which everyone gets a vote. It is about two people and the only people who know what’s going on inside of it are the two people in it. As such, you are the only two people who get a vote.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – MARRIAGE IS HARD WORK! You have to first start with two like-minded people and those two people must be fully committed to putting in work; committed to making each other happy, committed to supporting each other and committed to presenting a united front when circumstances or people aim to tear you apart. Just remember that while your mother will always be your mother; your sibling will always be your sibling; and your ex-spouse will be always be your co-parenting partner, your spouse will always be your life partner.

“The secret to having a good marriage is to understand that marriage must
be total, it must be permanent, and it must be equal.” ~Frank Pittman

Top Quotes of 2009 from BFSO writers and friends

We here at Blended Family Soap Opera are excited about the upcoming year! We look forward to providing more information, products and services to many modern families. From stepfamilies to single parent homes and from households with same sex parents to grandparents raising grandchildren, we aim to reach a wider range of modern families in the months to come.

That being said, we have immensely enjoyed the past year and a half and are so blessed to have received the support we have received thus far. From readers to guest bloggers, we want you to know that we have learned from each and everyone of you, too! As a matter of fact, we have included some memorable quotes from not only our BFSO writers, but from readers and guest bloggers as well. Check them out below and know that we look forward to continuing our connection with you in 2010.

Top Quotes of 2009

1. “What you call yourselves and how people refer to you as a family greatly impacts your children, who are constantly trying to figure out where and how they fit into your modern family.” ~Kela Price
2. “Divorce can leave children feeling like defectors.” ~Diane Greene
3. “Divorce is war and unfortunately, some parents live in constant entanglements with their ex-spouses and they shift aside the issues that post-divorce can leave on the shoulders of their children.”  ~Diane Greene
4. “Divorce is a journey that the children involved do not ask to take. They are forced along for a ride where the results are dictated by the road their parents decide to travel.” ~Diane Greene
5. “Although stepfamilies rarely make as smooth transition as the Bradys, it is possible to successfully blend a family. It depends on how and when you start and what you put in the blender.” ~Kela Price
6. “Think of it as an important business project; you don’t always love the person that you’re working with, but you work together to get the project done. Co-parents need to adopt this same business model when co-parenting their children.” ~Kela Price
7. “There is this double standard by which we suspect stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother’s best efforts and intentions.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
8. “I prefer the term “wife” to “current wife” or “new wife.” It’s more accurate and less loaded, I think. There’s a wife and an ex-wife (or partner and ex-partner). Period.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
9. “Stepmothers need to put their own adjustment and self-care first, rather than siphoning energy away from that to “fix” something that you didn’t break yourself.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
10. “Put your own happiness, your own mental health and your marriage or partnership first and without guilt.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
11. “In my view, no one in this country should be able to practice family therapy without undertaking training and certification by a body such as the National Stepfamily Resource Center.” ~Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster
12. “We have created a blended family culture centered around only one perspective and clearly, it’s not working.” ~Kela Price
13. “It’s important for wives and ex-wives to realize that you don’t have to be the arch rival or the best friend with the each other. There is a middle ground and often times, that’s the safest position to be in.” ~Kela Price
14. “It sickens me to believe that long ago, the women before us were able to collaboratively strive for success in the arenas of political activism and social justice. When they told us we couldn’t vote, we banned together. We also banned together to demand our respect amongst our male counterparts in corporate America. Yet, when it comes to what should be most important to us, our families, we just can’t seem to work together, or just refrain from trying to tear each other completely apart.” ~Kela Price
15. “Dealing with a failed relationship is like grieving a life you once knew, but will never have again, and that’s hard to deal with.” ~Kela Price
16. “The control efforts are part of the battle that some divorced parents need to avoid, including the subtle ones. Subtle suggestions that we are upset, dissatisfied with, or angry at the other parent… such as huffing at the mention of their name, going silent in a conversation that includes mention of them, snide gestures or facial expressions, subtle sarcasm then quick insincere apology, or allowing kids to “over hear” conversations between adults about the other parent with whom we are at odds are not overt badmouthing. They are far sneakier than that, but equally damaging.” ~Chaz,  Reader and Blogger,
17. “The role of best friend is truly an evolving relationship where two people choose to remain close because of the foundation of trust they have created. The current spouse/ex spouse relationship is not a choice, but it has been forced upon both parties with conflicting views and strong feelings of the person in the middle (ex husband/current husband).”  ~Jenny, reader
18. “Making sure the kids suffer the least amount of damage possible and that includes their stability in both households (chores and creating and/or maintaining relationships with all parents) truly takes ALL parents. It also decreases the children’s chances of using any “divide and conquer” strategies against their parents. When parents present a unified front, that child has boundaries and more importantly, he or she realizes that EVERYONE is working together for their best interest.” ~Kela Price
19. “As I’ve learned firsthand, a divorce decree (or any court order) is only as good as the people who have to abide by it. Unfortunately, threatening to take someone “back to court” isn’t much of a threat at all, and often ends up costing you more money (legal fees) and the judge simply telling the person to do what they are refusing to do in the first place with no other repercussions, but by then you’re months removed from the breach in the first place.” ~ Unheeded Prophetess, reader, attorney and blogger
20. “Divorce is hard. It’s difficult to close a chapter in a book that you thought you’d be writing forever, but it can be just as exciting and rewarding to write a whole new book.” ~Kela Price
21. “Check your emotional baggage before you board the plane [blended family]. This is not Southwest Airlines so you can check more than one bag. Now just because you can’t bring it on the plane doesn’t mean that you can’t or shouldn’t deal with it. You just have to deal with it in a way that doesn’t affect everyone else on the plane.” ~Kela Price
22. “After expectations comes acceptance.” ~Kela Price
23. “Life is too short not to live in peace.” ~Diane Greene
24. “The root cause of people pleasing is fear of rejection, and this fear can create a very damaging pattern of behavior in our lives. Setting healthy boundaries is learning when to say NO. Self-care, even for the stepmother, is not a wicked thing.” ~Kela Price
25. “It’s so important to offer good advice to stepmothers if we are ever to truly help stepfamilies flourish.” ~Kela Price
26. “Stepmothers, I urge you to take your power back. Your husband’s divorce was not your fault and it isn’t your responsibility to fix. You can be understanding and supportive without being everyone’s punching bag.” ~Kela Price
27. “Part of knowing ourselves is also being able to accept who we are and to value ourselves regardless of our flaws. Accepting who we are allows us to value our worth without conditions or reservations.” ~Diane Greene
28. “I do not like the title of counselor. I’d much rather be viewed as a friend who is willing to be an open book regarding her journey so that you can learn while on yours.” ~Kela Price
29. “The most important thing a remarried couple can do is intently listen and try to understand their spouse’s perception of reality.” ~Kela Price
30. “Don’t Stew! Good rarely comes of dwelling on problems.” ~Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness
31. “Fathers must be supported and encouraged in the family instead of being in continuous opposition with the mother and/or the legal system.” ~Kela Price
32. “Having a controlling, angry ex-spouse can make co-parenting seem like an extreme sport.” ~Kela Price
33. “Don’t blame yourself. Ending a marriage because your spouse comes out of the closet is one instance where you cannot be held at fault. Take whatever comfort you can in that.” ~Carol Schwanda, reader and blogger
34. “Blended families don’t fail, remarriages do.” ~Kela Price
35. “One of the most beneficial results of self-care is an increased ability to love others which allows us to care for ourselves more gently and completely.” ~Sue Patton Thoele, author of The Courage to be a Stepmom
36. “Children live what they learn.” ~Diane Greene
37. “Don’t marry someone who you can’t see yourself being divorced from.” ~Kela Price
38. “Mediation is no place to deal with hurt feelings. The purpose of the legal system, including the mediation process, is to provide resolution to true legal disputes, not to avenge wrongdoing, seek validation, or keep the other party in a person’s life (as dysfunctional as that involvement is).” ~Unheeded Prophetess, blogger, reader and attorney
39. “Is it more important and beneficial to show your kids what a healthy marriage or divorce looks like?” ~Kela Price
40. “In a society where 50% of first marriages and 67% of second marriages end in divorce, more time needs to be spent on nurturing our marriages as opposed to nurturing our divorces.” ~Kela Price
41. “To me, the difference between a good marriage and a great marriage is conviction.” ~Diane Greene
42. “The key to effective co-parenting is establishing realistic expectations and healthy boundaries, and to go slow and allow the relationships to organically evolve instead of forcing the issue of everyone being one big happy family.” ~Kela Price
43. “Creating traditions in the blended family promote unity and a sense of belonging.” ~Diane Greene
44. “Often times the adults want to use the children as excuses for pushing their way in, due to their own hidden agendas. Please be realistic and honest about your own agendas that have absolutely nothing to do with the child. You know that the child never benefits from having his whole family together, if they are constantly at each others’ throats.” ~Kela Price
45. “There is simply nothing like a fellow journeyer who has or is traveling the same road. All the kings horses and all the kings men could not help the compulsive behavior of alcoholics, yet when 2 drunks got together and began helping one another back in 1935, AA was born and spread throughout the world.” ~Chaz, reader and blogger

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