Kela and Diane Offer Holiday Tips for Divorced and Remarried Parents

Diane says…

Christmas is a time of celebration, right?  It’s no secret that challenges can be bountiful during the holidays for the modern family but if you are willing to leave the bitterness behind and put forth a little extra effort, you can cope and survive through each holiday season with the co-parent(s) in your modern family.  Of course accomplishing this is no easy task but once you get there, the reward is definitely worth the effort.  Not to mention, the most important outcome is when you get to watch and enjoy the happiness of your children that Christmas brings out in all of them.  In every family there are challenges, but meeting in the middle instead of power struggling with your co-parent is one way to resolve unnecessary conflict.  I cannot emphasize enough that in order to avoid conflict, you need to plan ahead.  For example, if you and your co-parent split Christmas Day, don’t wait until the last minute or the day before to decide when your child will share time with his/her other parent and then arbitrarily think that your plan is going to sit well with your co-parent.  On the other hand, if you are the non-custodial parent and you know that there is a special tradition that the custodial parent and your child enjoys every year together – do your best to work around it — it’s called teamwork.  For those of you that absolutely find your panties in a bunch every holiday over the same issues, or if you just happen to work best by the sticking to the court order, then by all means that is always the safest way to navigate the holidays.  Stick to the court order!

Kela says…

In addition to the many challenges that divorced parents face during the holiday season, remarried couples also have their fair share. Competition over which biological set of children in the house receives the most can be a factor. Who’s going to buy what is another. Some couples choose to combine their finances and allot a certain amount for each kid no matter who they biologically belong to. Others choose to keep things separate by buying Christmas gifts for their respective children with their ex-spouses (the biological parents).

Scheduling can also present a problem for the remarried couple, especially when they both come into the marriage with children. Detailing the arrangements regarding what time and how much each set of children will spend with their non-custodial parents, making time for you all to spend together as a newly formed family and visiting both sets of in-laws and/or extended family members can often times seem like an extreme sport. During this time of year it’s important to maintain realistic expectations, realizing that stepfamilies cannot operate as first families do. While it’s important that you make time to gel as a stepfamily, it’s not crucial that you do so on Christmas day. Many stepfamilies elect to spend the day before or after Christmas opening a few presents and developing new family traditions together. It all depends on what works for your unique family situation and every modern family is indeed unique.

Coping through this season with your co-parent and/or remarried spouse isn’t as hard as it seems if you both make the effort to show mutual respect, give and take a little on both sides and take into consideration each others’ feelings in order to enjoy the wonder and happiness of Christmas.

What about you BFSO readers? What are some of the unique challenges that you face with your ex-spouse and/or spouse during the Christmas season? How do you deal with those challenges?

Happy Holidays,

Kela and Diane

Bad advice for stepmothers

After reading several books, articles, and blog posts, written by women  giving advice to stepmothers, I’ve concluded that most do more harm than good. All of them, I believe, have good intentions; to aim to teach stepmothers how to successfully blend their stepfamilies, because of course, the responsibility falls mainly on them.

I’ve read and heard people give advice like, “work on trying to build a relationship with your stepchildren,” “try to understand where the ex-wife is coming from,” “try to understand how your husband feels,” “you can be that mediator or voice of reason between your husband and his ex-wife,” “remember that divorce is hard,” and finally, “be patient and everything will work out.” All of this advice leaves stepmothers feeling like they are actually the problem. It gives them more responsibility for a divorce they didn’t create in the first place and indirectly reaffirms the myth that we are all wicked.  How? Because you are telling us stuff that we already know.  We already realize that we have to try to get to know our stepchildren. We are not heartless creatures who need someone to tell us that.  The fact of the matter is the reason children often don’t like the stepmother is not because she is not doing everything to forge a relationship with them, but because of the divorce itself; which means that none of this is the stepmother’s fault, but the bio mom and dad’s. Yet, all of the advice makes it seem like it’s something that we’ve done or are not doing.

The advice that suggests that stepmothers be understanding of how the ex-wife feels and give her time to adjust is also counterproductive as the problem is not that we don’t understand (as women, especially if we are already mothers, we usually do), but it’s her intrusive behavior that gets under our skin. So again, it’s nothing that we are or aren’t doing. It’s completely natural to react, feel hurt or angry at someone who is constantly attacking you and/or your marriage and while we may understand where she is coming from, the behavior is still UNACCEPTABLE. Understanding or sympathizing with someone doesn’t mean that she gets the green light to whatever she chooses, no matter how damaging it can be to your marriage.

And I’m not letting husbands off the hook because the same applies to them. Of course we understand where our husband’s are coming from. We know that they just want their children to be okay, but that doesn’t mean that we have to accept everything they do either. We are their wives, partners for life and should always be treated as such and NO ONE should be allowed to interfere in our marriages…period. This means that we make decisions that affect our household together; there is no more going over to the ex-wife’s house to fix the kitchen sink, tell her to call a plumber; there’s no more allowing your children to disrespect us because they’re hurting, stepmothers are adults and giving respect should be demanded (whether they like her or not). You took vows to honor and protect your marriage and it doesn’t make you evil or a bad father for doing so.

The other piece of advice that is almost laughable is telling stepmothers to be patient; to which I personally want to reply by giving that person a good firm kick in the butt! Telling me to be patient is implying that I am not already being patient. I’ve been sticking with my husband, despite his difficult, intrusive ex-wife, financial strain due to numerous back and forth court battles, a child who, for the first 4 years, demanded (verbally and via his actions) that his parents be back together again, a husband who jumped (for years) at his ex-wife’s every whim because he was afraid she wouldn’t let him see his son and much more, for nearly a decade now, yet I’m still here. I’M PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING!!! If I wasn’t, I would’ve told all of them where they could go a long time ago and most stepmothers experience battles that are years long when their husband is in high-conflict with their ex-spouse. Once again, it’s not that we aren’t already patient; we’re frustrated, angry and fed up because we have been patient for so long.

It’s so important to offer support and good advice to stepmothers if we are ever to truly understand the stepfamily dynamic and help stepfamilies flourish. Currently, ALL of the responsibility falls on the stepmother and she receives absolutely no understanding. She is taught to be everyone’s punching bag because they are hurting due to the divorce. She must love, nurture, encourage and support everyone, including the ex-wife, yet she isn’t given the same and even demoralized, if she expects it in return. Not to mention that she is taught that everything is her fault anyway. His kids don’t like you because you’re not being patient. His ex-wife is difficult and intrusive because you are not being understanding. Your husband caters to his ex-wife’s every whim because you, you evil, wicked stepmother, aren’t being understanding of his needs. All of this is wrong, bad advice for stepmothers and leaves them feeling even more frustrated, overwhelmed and like failures. It makes her feel bad for wanting to be respected by CHILDREN; wanting the ex-wife to butt out and not wanting to share her husband with her.

Stepmothers are not wrong and wicked for wanting, demanding even, the above-mentioned. And they are not wrong for reacting to such unreasonable behavior. Everyone must understand that divorce is hard on EVERYONE, including the stepmother and if everyone else gets a free pass to be wicked and evil due to something that they created themselves, then the stepmother gets a pass to react to something that she didn’t create in the first place. The stepmother is not the reason for everyone’s hurt, so stop treating her as such. Remember, in the majority of cases, the divorce happened BEFORE she came along.

Stepmothers, I urge you to take your power back. Your husband’s divorce was not all your fault and it isn’t your responsibility to fix it so don’t beat yourself up trying to. Your husband’s and his ex-wife’s emotions are their responsibility to take charge of and not allow them to affect their children or YOU. You can be understanding and supportive without being everyone’s punching bag.

Overall, when did our society start encouraging people to act and do as they choose just because they’re hurting? This is exactly the advice that is constantly spewed to the stepmother by saying that his kids are mean because they’re hurting; his ex-wife is disrespectful and intrusive because she’s hurting; your husband doesn’t pay attention to your needs because he’s hurting. What is this teaching our children? When they are hurting, they can go and slap little Susie at school just because they are hurting? It’s unacceptable behavior and totally unfair to demand that any one person accept it, from everyone in the stepfamily, and happily at that.

BFSO talks with Dr. Wednesday Martin, author of “Stepmonster”

BFSO recently had the opportunity to interview Dr. Wednesday Martin, author of Stepmonster: A New Look at Why Real Stepmothers Think, Act and Feel the Way They Do. Wednesday’s insight to stepmothering is literally like a great massage because it’s as if she’s massaging the tension right out of your shoulders when she suggests that it’s completely okay to put your marriage first. She says that stepmothers don’t have to bear all the responsibility for “fixing” something that we didn’t break in the first place. Additionally, she suggests that we drop the term current, second and new wife and adopt our rightful title of WIFE. I learned so much from Dr. Wednesday Martin and I’m so excited to share her insight with you! Check out the interview below.

BFSO: I LOVE the fact that you suggest that it’s okay to consider the stepmother and her feelings as experts explore the ups and downs of the stepfamily. Often times they only want to explore how the kids feel, how the husband feels or even how the ex-wife feels. In my opinion, it’s no surprise that stepmothers feel resentful and monsterish at times.  Why did you write this book?

Dr. Martin: I had a hard time adjusting to being in a relationship with a man with children–in spite of seeking out therapy, articles and books. Many of the books in particular disappointed me. They seemed unrealistic and they weren’t about MY reality at all. I found myself desperately seeking a book that looked at women with stepkids as people, rather than reducing us to the role of replacement parent or spouse supporter. I also wanted a book that told it like it IS, rather than lecturing to me about how I SHOULD act and feel and be. So often I would be searching for a book for women with stepkids, find one, and read it, only to discover that it was almost entirely about the stepkids and their feelings. That’s an important thing to understand, of course, but stepmothers need to see their own points of view validated, particularly since most experts agree that stepmothers have the toughest adjustment process of anyone in the stepfamily. Too often, focusing on how it is for the kids has become an exclusive focus, and has precluded our asking how it is for the stepmother. Finally, I didn’t want a bunch of reductive “recipes for success” or cookie-cutter “solutions.” I wanted a deep, comprehensive consideration of stepmothering–across cultures, across the ages, in literature, and so on. Stepmothering was such a rich, fascinating topic, and I wanted to do justice to not just the emotional aspects, but also the historical, literary, economic, legal, and social ones.

 BFSO: Why do you think society thinks it is SO wrong for a stepmother to want her feelings, needs and even wants considered in the stepfamily? Isn’t this encouraging women to put themselves last – as we often do? 

Dr. Martin: I think you’re right that part of the problem here is that we don’t want women to buck the tradition of always putting others first, of being self-abnegating, even. That would be profoundly threatening to the order of things, for lack of a better way of putting it. More specifically, our society is incredibly hypocritical about women with stepkids, for so many reasons that it took me three years of research and over 300 pages to lay it all out! But basically there is this double standard by which we suspect stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother’s best efforts and intentions. Owing to what we might call our cultural script, there are currently two ways we think of women with stepkids: they’re either selfish stepmothers or selfless stepmartyrs. Quite a limited menu! Recently it has occurred to me that one of the reasons people are so offended by the mere idea of anyone taking a serious look at stepmother reality, or by stepmothers asserting their basic right to be heard and considered, is that stepfamilies and especially stepmothers are presumed guilty. A lot of people presume that a stepmother is a homewrecker, in spite of the fact that, statistically, most of us are not. Starting from that presumption (“She ruined a marriage and a family”) people feel it’s unseemly for that woman to “complain” after “what she did.” Hence the angry backlash–and the insistence that she put someone else’s kids first.

  BFSO: Do you think history plays a vital role in the stepmonster being the uniquely female hybrid? How so?

Dr. Martin: Yes I do. There’s just no getting around the fact that our suspicion and dislike of women with stepchildren has a long tradition. It goes back to ancient Greece and Rome, at least. In ancient Rome, for example, lawmakers introduced legislation to prevent men who remarried from assuming political office. The thinking was that anyone who would do something so terrible to his children could not be trusted to make good decisions for his country. And don’t forget about the Euripedes character, Phaedra, who wanted to seduce her stepson. Part of the reason we have a hard time shaking our dislike and distrust of stepmothers is it’s so deeply ingrained–in the case of ancient Greece and Rome, for example, it’s woven into the origins of our western cultural tradition! Evolutionary psychologists Margo Wilson and Martin Daly theorize that we have to take motivation into account when we consider animosity toward stepmothers. Who benefits from it? For example, why are so many villains in the Brothers Grimm stories stepmothers when in the original oral tradition, they were murderous mothers? Daly and Wilson think it has to do with the social purposes of the storytellers, who were overwhelmingly likely to be women telling tales to their own children. They would have been aware of the likelihood of dying in childbirth or just plain dying at a relatively early age–it was common in that period, and the widowed husbands virtually always remarried– leaving their little listeners behind. So, the thinking goes, they crafted stories the moral of which was, “If I were to die and your father were to remarry, that would be a terrible thing for you.” This may explain why there are more stories of evil stepmothers than evil stepfathers. But the long and short of it is, we need to go beyond psychology alone to understand the root or roots of our distrust of stepmothers. Only by marshaling a number of other perspectives as well–sociobiology, literary theory, sociology, legal theory, and economics, for example–will we be able to crack that nut.

 BFSO: In your book you discuss the risk factors one might find in having a relationship with a partner that has a child.  In fact, you mention there that experts recommend delaying marriage to a partner whose child is between the ages of ten and sixteen.  Why do you think this plays a role in the the success or failure of a marriage? 

Dr. Martin: There’s a compelling body of research demonstrating that pre-adolescent and adolescent stepchildren not only initiate the majority of conflicts in stepfamilies, but that they also tend to polarize the couple over parenting. Basically they try and often succeed at “splitting the team” because, in a remarriage with children, the kids tend to have tremendous power. There is likely to be a history of permissive parenting post-divorce, making stepmom seem draconian and unreasonable in contrast to mom and dad. Plus the household is likely to be characterized by what experts call a percolator effect–with the mood of the household and the power emanating up from the kids, rather than “dripolating” down from the parents as it does in a healthy first family. These are common dynamics in stepfamilies. So is the fact that, as stepfamily researchers Marilyn Ihinger-Tallman and Kay Pasley have noted, “children in a remarriage with children have tremendous power to break up the marriage.” They can bring unkind sentiments from the other household into dad and stepmom’s home, “spy,” and otherwise create friction between households and between dad and stepmom (Let me be clear that I’m not demonizing the kids here–just pointing out the aspects of stepmother reality that are out there in the research and that we don’t often consider. Kids are actors, not just acted upon, in a remarriage with children). Now factor in a pre or adolescent stepchilld, whose developmental imperative is to individuate and reject the grownups, right at the moment that the woman with stepkids is feeling enormous pressure from her husband and society at large to ‘blend everyone together.” What you have is a recipe for tremendous stress on the couple! But it’s not impossible to overcome–I’m living proof of that. And I don’t think couples should necessary delay marriage until the kids are 16. That just wouldn’t work for a lot of us. We partner and then find–and fight–our way through it!

BFSO: You alluded to the fact of having problems with your husband’s ex-wife as well. Why do you think the ex and current wife seem to automatically start off on the wrong foot?

Dr. Martin: I prefer the term “wife” to “current wife” or “new wife.” It’s more accurate, and less loaded, I think. There’s a wife and an ex-wife (or a partner and an ex-partner). Period.  And in spite of all the recent hoopla in the popular culture–Ashton and Demi and Bruce and Bruce’s wife being chummy and together all the time, for example, and exes in highly cooperative and friendly relationships in the news, doing birthday parties and Christmas together and even doing rotating custody in the same house for the kids’ sake –what we know from the research (Hetherington again) is that less than a quarter of all divorced couples are able to do highly cooperative or even cooperative co-parenting. Most of them do parallel parenting, where they basically ignore each other as much as possible, or are in conflictual or even high-conflict situations with their exes. That’s because they don’t get along. And not getting along is the reason they got divorced in the first place. Regardless of who initiated the divorce (it’s usually the woman), the relationship between exes is not going to imp rove when someone remarries or repartners, that’s for sure! Add to this the fact that ex-wives are more involved and intrusive in their exes’ households than ex-husbands are; the fact that ex-wives experience more anger and resentment after a divorce than their ex-husband’s do and experience it for a longer period of time (Hetherington again); plus the fact that ex-husbands in many cases nurture fantasies of smooth sailing with their ex-wives and often do things to appease them such as helping out with household chores and home repairs, and having holidays there, long after the divorce and in some cases long after the remarriage, and you see not only why the ex and the wife start out on bad footing, but then tend to remain there. I think the recent cultural expectation that wives “should” reach out to ex-wives is unrealistic and unfair. Women married to men with kids don’t need one more responsibility dumped on them, and I invite them to decline the pressure to be chummy with the ex without any guilt if they want to. Civility is often an ambitious enough goal. Put your own adjustment and self-care first, rather than siphoning energy away from that to “fix” something that you didn’t break yourself.

 BFSO: What is the most valuable piece of advice you could give to all stepmothers or about-to-be stepmothers out there? 

Dr. Martin: Put your own happiness, your own mental health and your marriage or partnership first. Without guilt. If you’re miserable, and in the first years, according to James Bray and Patricia Papernow, you very likely will be, your marriage and the whole stepfamily system fall apart. Also, do yourself a favor and let go of the myth of the “blended” family. Stepfamilies very rarely “blend”–even the successful ones have lower levels of cohesion and closeness, but that comes along with higher levels of flexibility, tolerance, and respectful behaviors. Buying into the belief that you have to look, feel, and act just like a first family in order to be a successful family is hooey. It’s also a sure-fire way to stress out the couple. Finally, let go of the myth of the maternal stepmom. You don’t have to love them just like they’re your own and the overwhelming likelihood is that you will not. Just like our stepkids have a deep preference for their own kin (per studies by dozens of human behavioral ecologists that I discuss in my book), we love our own kids best. You don’t have to have maternal feelings for your stepkids for it to be a nice relationship. You’re not a bad woman, a bad person, or even a bad stepmother if you don’t love or even like your stepkids. You can even be very detached and still have a happy marriage/partnership and a relationship with his kids that works. “Good enough” is good enough!

BFSO: The stepmother is literally the most devalued member of the stepfamily. We encourage bio moms to take some “me” time, get away from the kids, consider your needs first sometimes…Yet when a stepmom is asking for the exact same thing, she’s a monster. What can we do to change the perception of stepmotherhood?

Dr. Martin: Lots of people call for more positive media images of stepmothers. But I don’t think that’s going to happen soon, because stepmothers are deliciously compelling and terrifying villains! What we really need, in my view, is lots more research, first of all. Studies of stepfather families outnumber studies of stepmother families by two to one! The less we find out about stepmothers, the less we know about them and the more we fill in the gaps with judgments and absurd expectations about how women with stepchildren “should” feel and act and be and what they “ought to” be able to accomplish. In my view, no one in this country should be able to practice family therapy without undertaking training and certification by a body such as the National Stepfamily Resource Center (that’s just one example). Getting bad advice from therapists who are unfamiliar with very real differences between first and subsequent families, and between first marriages and remarriages with children, is a very common problem, if my research and that of stepfamily experts including Coleman and Ganong, Elizabeth Church, and Linda Nielsen are any indication. With better research and more educated therapists, we can craft messages to educate the public and we can also offer true support–versus a lot of bias and “shoulds”–to women who marry men with children.

About Wednesday Martin

Wednesday Martin has worked as a writer and social researcher in New York City for almost two decades. She was a regular contributor to New York Post’s parenting and lifestyle pages for several years, and her work has appeared in a number of national magazines including Cosmopolitan, Glamour, and Fitness. Wednesday was also features editor at Woman’s World. She earned her doctrate in comparative literature from yale and taught cultural studies and literature at Yale, The New School and Baruch College. Martin, a stepmother for nine years, lives in New York City with her husband and their two sons. To learn more about Dr. Wednesday Martin and her new book, Stepmonster, please visit www.wednesdaymartin.com.

Blended Family Soap Opera statement to our readers

The Founder (Kela Price) and writers (Diane Greene and Julia Rutland) of Blended Family Soap Opera, are very strong, moral, ethical, women. We love our families, our husbands, and our friends with all of our hearts. We also love the world we live in and the one we are trying to make for our children.

We believe that the moral fiber of our society is still good and there is still good in the world. That which is not we are on a mission to change. Each of us has a unique story to tell and that is what makes Blended Family Soap Opera so successful. Our backgrounds, our current family situations, as well as our own individual businesses make us who we are as people.

Everyone has an opinion and we respect that. We each have our own opinions, experiences and feelings as well. We just happen to have a very public platform in which to express them.  We wanted to create a safe haven for people to share their inner most feelings regarding both the joys AND frustrations of their respective blended family life, including ours. Not everyone is going to agree with us, nor us with them. That is the beauty of the world. No one is the same or has walked in anyone else’s proverbial shoes in an exact same way. All we want to do is help the blended family to try and work better in our society and make the whole matter of divorce and remarriage easier on the ones who matter the most – our children. No one is out to be malicious or hurtful, but everyone is entitled to feel the way they feel! We are mothers, wives, daughters, sisters, step-mothers who love our families and want to help others – period. A part of helping people is allowing them to express the joy, sadness, anger, resentment and any other emotion that they may be feeling about their blended family – without judgement!

As stated in a prior post, we do not have all the answers. We are learning everyday as everyone else in the world is. Yes, we are all certified coaches/counselors to help the blended family. Yes, we have taken classes and learned from a world renowned professor – it still doesn’t make us experts – it does make us educated and informed to better serve blended families. In the end, all we are is human. I hope our readers can respect that and want to hear more from our experiences and our clients.

We thank you for your continued loyalty and your quest to make your family the best it can be!

Sincerely,

Kela Price, Diane Greene, and Julia Rutand

This post was written by BFSO writer/coach, Julia Rutland and reflects the thoughts of the entire BFSO staff. We respect the thoughts, opinions and feelings of each and every one of our readers and we want BFSO to be a safe place for free respectful expression without judgement.

Counselors are human, not God

For some reason people seem to put impossibly high expectations on counselors. We are not supposed to get angry or upset. We must pretend like we have it together all the time, and we must have ALL the answers to ANY and EVERY problem you present to us – WRONG! Counselors are human, not God. Although I techinically have the title of Certified Stepfamily Counselor, I don’t even like to use the word counselor. That title or word is attached to some sort of unattainable perfection that leaves people feeling as if we think we’re better than we are and WE ARE NOT. We are people who feel a wide range of emotions just like everyone else. When we feel attacked, we feel the urge to attack back AND sometimes we do. We get mad, sad, angry and happy, and sometimes we have to let it all out. As a matter of fact, I recommend it; it’s therapeutic to vent from time to time.

Many people who are living in blended families definitely need an outlet to get things off their chests. Internalizing these feelings can often times make things worse. I suggest to readers and clients to purchase a journal, start a blog or tell a friend (who will not judge you) what you are feeling about your frustrations regarding your blended family life. You don’t have to tell that person you’re in conflict with directly. Doing the above-mentioned is therapeutic enough; trust me. Another great option is visiting The Stepfamily Letter Project, a site designed to allow blended families to write anonymous letters to a member of their family. Stepmoms, stepdads, stepkids, husbands, bio-moms, half-siblings -  can write letters to the people in their families – be it heartful and joyful to angry or sad. The authors of each letter is kept secret and it’s up to you to decide whether or not you’ll share them with your family. It’s a brilliant idea as we ALL need that outlet from time to time; even counselors!!

Because of this unattainble idea of perfection that many people attach to counselors, some people feel as if they shouldn’t go to a counselor who isn’t perfect. I disagree. I’d prefer to speak with someone who can relate to what I am going through and therefore will not judge me.

Anytime I get an email from a reader or a potential client, the first thing I almost always hear is, “I was really hesitant about contacting you because I don’t want to be judged.” To which I reply, “Have you read my blog? You will experience no judgement days with me.” When they ask me if I have ever felt like throwing the ex-wife, second wife, my ex…in front of a freight train, I reply with, “Of course, sometimes I still do!” After they are done talking to me they almost always comment on the fact that I am relatable and honest about my own feelings. I don’t judge because I’ve been where they’re at and still feel the same things (from time to time) that they may be feeling. They appreciate the fact that I am human and beg them not to apologize for what they are feeling as we are all entitled to feel the way we feel. IT IS COMPLETELY NATURAL! It makes them feel less threatned and intimidated by this ridiculous idea of perfection. None of us are perfect and counselors aren’t here to act like we are, while judging you. We are here to lend an ear and offer advice and support based on our experiences and/or academic knowledge. We know that life isn’t about perfection or not having conflict. It’s about how you work through and manage your conflict and how you accept life’s many imperfections along the way.

Again, I don’t like to use the word counselor. I’d much rather be viewed as a friend who’s willing to be an open book regarding her journey so that you can learn, whether it’s what to do or what not to do, while on your journey.

Grace and Peace,

*Kela*

I’m still learning…

Living life and learning lessons in a quest to become the best you can be is what life is all about. I will be the first to admit that I am NOT perfect and I’m still a work in progress. Sometimes I make bad decisions. Sometimes I react too quickly. I’m still learning that even though a reaction may be completely justified, it isn’t always necessary. I also pondered the fact that my reaction to certain situations in my blended family may have played a part in the negative outcome. No matter how justified I was/am in giving someone a good cursing out, maybe the outcome would have been or will be different if I just say nothing. After all, many times words are not necessary as actions speak much louder. 

I always say that you can’t control someone else. It doesn’t matter how you feel they should be acting. It’s all about how you react. You can choose to react negatively and make the situation worse or you can react positvely and potentially (a positive outcome isn’t always guaranteed) make the situation better.

It is true that I am a work in progress. There is no harm in that. What really matters is that one is willing to do the work to be the best person that he or she can be.  I’m still learning to let go of anger. I’m learning to not allow the negative actions of others to cause me to react negatively. I’m learning to react calmly. I’m learning to let God lead. I’m still learning!

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