Jumping Those Single Parent Hurdles

Learning to date.  Finding happiness again.  Facing new challenges alone.  All three of these issues are relevant in the lives of a single parent.  Throw in the issue of dating and there is a great possibility that you may find yourself overwhelmed.

I was a single parent for many years before getting married and 3 months later becoming widowed.  I was then a single parent again for the next 6 years before marrying my current husband.  I will tell you that being a single mother was one of the hardest experiences I have ever faced, but it was also one of the most rewarding.   It was during those years that I found myself.   It was during those trials and turbulent times that I found that I had a deep inner strength that I didn’t know I had.  It was during that time that I became aware of what I truly was capable of.  Many single parents, I am sure, have felt or feel now the way I did.  There may be many of you right now reading this post who feel as if your journey is just beginning and you are re-learning who you really are.  With that, I wanted to share with you some of the challenges you may face but also give you some solutions as you go through them:

Learn to re-train your individuality outside of parenthood

One of the mistakes we make as single parents is allowing the act of “parenting” to consume or rule our whole lives.  Most single parents, including myself, have in the past or are currently making this mistake.  For the record, to me, this is the single most difficult hurdle to overcome.  It is ingrained in our minds and  in our upbringings to put our children before ourselves.  If we don’t, we are considered “neglectful.”  However, I learned a long time ago that not taking care of my own physical and emotional well-being, FIRST, made it almost impossible to properly take care of or attend to my children’s needs.  It is crucial to pay attention to our needs as parents but also to our needs as individuals.

Becoming dependent on your children for your own happiness

Unfortunately, during times of our own crisis as parents, we tend to reverse our roles as parents and turn to our children completely for our happiness.  Our children naturally bring us happiness but forcing our problems and issues upon them and making them feel responsible for making us happy is not just unfair to them but also not in their best interest.

Everyone needs to take a mental health day, including parents.  Don’t feel guilty about having a babysitter come in for the day (if it is feasible to your budget) so that you can enjoy a little of your own therapy time.  Whether that therapy be getting a manicure and pedicure, shopping for the day, or just a trip to the park to read a good book, it is very important to find what makes us happy and create our own blueprints in our lives.  In order to make our children happy, we have to be individually happy as well.

Preconceived notions

Most people assume that single parents need to be multi-taskers all of the time.  Well, I disagree.  Sometimes, we need to be single-taskers.   There will be times when you can’t “be all and do all” for everyone.  This does not make you an inadequate or bad parent.  It makes you human.   Research has also shown that multi-tasking can actually be counter-productive.  It doesn’t allow you to really focus properly on what you are trying to accomplish.   Take each day, one day at a time, and do your best.

Being a single parent is tough.  Sometimes, it can even be cruel.  However if you remember to follow your own blueprints, your journey will be filled with some of the greatest memories and rewards you can imagine.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Super Sexy Single Mom – Catt Sadler

You know her as E Network’s entertainment reporter on the hit show Daily 10. I know her from my pageant days as a fellow Indy 500 Princess way back in 1995. Who is she? She is the super sexy, confident, newly single mom Catt Sadler. This recently divorced mother of two adorable boys is another example of one who is redefining herself post divorce and embracing what’s to come.

In an interview with Singular City, an online magazine for successful LA singles, Sadler opens up about her new life as an entertainment reporter, being a single mom and dating again.  She expressed that although she isn’t changing the world reporting on the biggest break ups and best dressed at the Oscars, that’s okay because her first and most important job is that of a mom. She also said that her divorce, which was final nearly 3 years ago, hasn’t soured her on marriage; however, she is cautiously entering the dating scene again.

“Dating as a single mom ain’t easy,” she says. “It’s a very delicate situation that I take seriously. The fact that I have kids hasn’t been a deterrent for guys, but determining if or when they get to meet my li’l dudes requires a lot of consideration,” said Catt.

This independent single mom said that she isn’t particularly jaded about men and is interested in completing her family again someday. But for right now she is learning a lot about herself and enjoying it. Way to go Catt! What a positive outlook on life and love post divorce.

For the full story first published on Singular City, click here.

Life After Divorce

There is no easy answer to divorce.  Every family that experiences divorce experiences pain, grief, anger, fear, guilt and especially feelings of sheer sadness.

If you have suddenly been confronted with single parenthood as a result of a divorce, it is a crucial time for you to realize that you must accept change as best you can and move toward revitalization of you and your children’s lives.  However, that is always easier said than done.  An important factor to look for and to seek out during this crucial time is a good support system.  An example can be your church pastor or group, a private professional counselor trained to handle these issues, a good friend or even members of your own family.  You will need help getting acclimated to your new position and, at times, this can be relatively hard to handle alone while you are going through all the emotional changes divorce can bring.

Another important factor to apply is positivity.  Being positive will help during challenging times.  Again, you might say, “easier said than done.”  I agree.  However, focusing on the negative aspects of your situation gets you where?  Exactly….. absolutely no where!  Not to mention, constant negativity makes a child’s transition in divorce ten times as hard to trudge through.  First, they have to deal with what some have compared to a “death” blow to their entire existence with their parents divorcing so in fact, negativity (i.e., involving them in grown folks business or disparagement of your ex-spouse, etc.) during this time only causes them further pain.

If you are in a new remarriage and trying to reinvent and reinvigorate your family, it is so important to communicate with your children about the changes taking place in their lives.  Children are smart and know when things have gone awry in their lives.  They are still in a very fragile acceptance mode with a new remarriage and need stability and lots of care.  Predictability fosters security for children.  Not allowing their whole life to change because of your divorce is crucial.  Keep some sense of normalcy.  Keep them in the same activities, if you can.  Communicate with them about their feelings and the changes taking place around them.  By doing so, you are teaching them how to handle adversity and protecting and preparing them for further changes that may arise in the future.  We often think that if we alter our children’s reality that we are saving them from hurt and pain.  As I said above, children are very intuitive human beings. Not only that, but “protecting” them from reality is not properly preparing them for life.

As I mentioned above, the main component and most integral part of reinvigorating your family is support.  Co-parenting first and supporting your children together will help them accept the changes being made in a “positive” way.  As we often state here at Today’s Modern Family, there are never “ex-parents” only “ex-spouses.”  Another key component is committing to co-parenting with your ex-spouse on a healthy level so as to not interrupt your child’s relationship with the other parent.  In other words, the drama between the two of you shouldn’t have to be your child’s drama nor should he/she have to carry that load on their shoulders.  They want to love both parents and have the right to do so.  Again, this is where being positive plays a major role.  In other words, being good co-parents makes the road your children will have to travel a little less bumpy.

If you are living in a new step-family or are about to embark on the path of step-parenthood, keep in mind that your expectations must be in line with the reality of your new position and situation.  The children involved do not have to fall in love with you right away and probably won’t.  On the other hand, the same holds true for you and you are not a bad step-parent if you don’t love your step-child right away.  That relationship will build over time.  If you are a bio-parent, allow your child the opportunity to learn about his/her step-parent on their own terms.  Do not compete.  Do not force your opinions on your children.  Doing so,  will allow you to open the door for your children to make his/her own choices and form their own individual opinions.  That is what you would teach them otherwise if you were still married and in your nuclear family and what you would want in return from your ex-spouse, correct?  Your choices will have a direct effect on the positive or negative energy that your child brings into their new found life as a stepchild.

Children need to feel that they are a part of each of their parents and that means their parents’ families.  Accepting that your own feelings and views about your ex-spouse  or his/her new partner are just that…YOUR feelings and views.  Not forcing them and making them issues for your children only benefit them.  It allows them the freedom of expressing their own feelings and emotions, and allows them to feel validated.

By nurturing not only your children but yourself as well, during this time, you will be setting a clear example of what it means to effectively co-parent and to reinvent and reinvigorate your new life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di