Love Is Not a Ball and Chain

February 15, 2013 By Leave a Comment

These days, why are we so bound by what society expects a traditional marriage to be?  Why do we get so consumed by the “fairytale” that is spun on by the media and television that we think it’s unnatural to want our own individuality outside of our relationship? Then, when we naturally vary from the traditional path, we are viewed as “selfish and not caring.” Unfortunately, more often than not, we allow that pressure to affect good qualities we share with one another.

For example, let’s just say that you and your spouse like to take a separate trip every now and again with a good girlfriend and your husband has no problem with it.  However, you might have a couple girlfriends who think that is absolutely insane and they let you know it. They would never let their husbands go on a “guys-only” trip without them so why should they?  Or, you parents might think that this type of agreement is only setting your marriage up for trouble.  Phooey!  TMF Readers, love is not a ball and chain.  Because we have a marriage certificate in our hands doesn’t mean that our marriage defines our whole existence as an individual.  Yes, we are spouses but we are also parents, friends, daughters and sons, siblings and most importantly individuals.  Now, I am not suggesting by any means that we put our marriages on the back-burner for any of the above, it must be our most important relationship, but we can still find the balance between being an individual and being married.  Suffocating our marriages is just as unhealthy as not prioritizing it.  Never allowing your spouse a little freedom to explore their individuality can stifle your relationship in more ways than one.  Remember the old saying…”absence makes the heart grow fonder?”  Totally true. 

“It’s not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that usually ends up making your marriage feel like you are carrying a ball and chain.”

You might ask what is the key to understanding that it’s okay to have individuality in your marriage?  The answer is simple.  Friendship and trust.  When you have an undivided trusting friendship with your spouse, you are unconditionally open to accepting him or her, their ideas, their dreams and yes, even their need for space at times whether that space be emotional, working, creative, fun, etc. That space could be just as simple as an every day walk alone or going to the gym.  Just simple “me” time.  Let’s be real here, all people yearn for time for themselves.  It’s just reality.  More than likely, you and your spouse encouraged this before marriage, but after marriage all that same reasoning goes out the door with the trash!  More often than not, we each still possess all of the qualities we always had, we have just chosen to view it differently because we have the title of wife or husband.  If your spouse was a free-spirit before you married him or her, why would you want them to be someone new to you after marriage?  Part of the challenge is that we must constantly take ourselves back to that state of “When Harry Met Sally” and remember why we fell in love.  We have to refocus on the fact that if we cannot change our spouse’s basic character.  Why would we want to?  It’s what makes them who they are.  It’s what attracted you to them in the beginning.  It’s what makes you want to love them even more.  Listen, accepting and encouraging your own individuality in your marriage is perfectly normal and okay.  It doesn’t diminish your love and asking for a little space every now and then doesn’t mean you are not committed to your spouse and to your relationship.

Benefits to having space:

  • Time for reconnection and self-reflection.
  • Time to clear your thoughts and hear yourself think.
  • Time to energize your inner batteries.
  • Time to truly appreciate and “miss” your spouse.

TMF Readers, don’t stunt your relationship growth based on another person’s belief system.  Just like your marriage needs alone time, without the children, at times, your marriage also needs individuality.  It’s that separate individuality that brings your marriage full-circle.  Accepting, wanting and, yes, even needing space from your marriage is okay and it doesn’t mean that it is drowning.  Don’t wait on expressing your individuality until it’s too late and you get stuck dragging that ball and chain.  Communicating with your life partner and being honest goes a long way and will only bring the two of you closer together and make your bond stronger.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Bonding Through Conflict

January 26, 2013 By

During conflict, does your marriage feel like its slipping farther and farther away from where you first began or do you and your spouse find ways to draw closer through same?  Generally, when we are in the midst of conflict in our marriage, we turn on auto-pilot, we shut down and default to only negative communication.  Our marital bonding goes out the window because our bad habits and negative words deliver fatal blows to our relationship.  What is surprising about this to me is that couples do not realize that the same bonds we built in the very beginning of our relationship are the same bonds that we need to maintain in order to get through conflict during marriage.

It’s really easy to forget how and what drew us together as a couples in the beginning of our relationship.  All too easily, after marriage and during conflict we forget to remind ourselves of those reasons and about why we first fell in love.  We allow our relationships to fall victim to the strain and stress.  Needless to say, we don’t “intentionally” strategize on how we can make our marriage stronger.  We think that because we have a piece of paper signed by a state official that we are safe from the effects that conflict can have on our unions.  We believe that having that piece of paper is like having an insurance policy that guarantees its success.  Unfortunately, the only insurance policy that couples need to invest in is the bond they create.  If that bond is not nurtured over time, conflict will certainly drain that policy of all of it’s investments.

How do you bond through conflict instead of allowing it to tear your marriage apart you might ask?  First, facing conflict instead of brushing your issues under the rug is the first and foremost thing you need to do.  For the sake of peace, some partners decide “not to sweat the small stuff.”  To an extent, that statement is true.  On the other hand, over time, if you take issue with a few small things that your spouse is doing or not doing, instead of putting up with something you don’t agree with for the sake of not sweating it, you will be able to open up to your spouse about what is bothering you.  Holding in and avoiding the conflict will weaken your bond.  People assume that the love they have will always carry them through but ‘love” is never enough.  Love will not allow you to overcome the conflict if you are constantly avoiding the issues.  The little things that we ignore for the sake of avoiding conflict is what eventually builds resentment and doesn’t prepare you to handle the bigger issues once they occur.  Brushing issues under the rug only allows you to pull them back out during the next argument.  By being open to positive communication, you build trust, which in turn builds your bond during that conflict.  Second, do not assume anything.  Assumptions are the termites of marriage.  Assumptions will eat away at your bond. Instead of assuming, use positive words to express your insecurities.

A few tips to help you bond through conflict are:

  • Adjust your differences.  At times, what attracted us to our partners (i.e., your husband is very outgoing – you are a home body) is what causes conflict later in marriage.  Accept that you may have to meet your spouse in the middle.  Find the agreement within the argument and work your way outward from there instead of shutting down and assuming you have no room for adjustment.
  • Be positive about your marriage.  Do not speak negatively about your marriage to outsiders.  All couples argue, fuss and fight sometimes.  Anyone who tells you differently is either telling half-truths or they are living in a fantasy world.  There is no perfect marriage, but shaming your marriage or disrespecting it by speaking negatively about it will only make your view of same worse.
  • Nurture through the conflict.  Always make your marriage your priority and not the conflict at hand.  Manage your disagreements and if you are conflicted, always approach the conflict as a team and commit to working together to get through same no matter what.
  • Humor each other.  Whenever possible, use humor and silliness to lighten your differences.  It works wonders.  You will find that most little things are not so bad after all and humor allows you to reframe the problem in a different light. You can still get your point across, but you are not hurting your spouse in the process.
  • Keep the problem in perspective.  Don’t bring other issues into the particular argument at hand.  Most issues are not as big of a problem as they initially seem.  Leave your pride at the door and come ready to resolve, resolve, resolve.
  •  Focus on solutions instead of problems.  Acknowledge the issues and move to solutions.  When we are in conflict, we spend way too much time playing the “blame” game.  Do not waste all of your energy on redefining the problems and get to fixing it.

Logically speaking, TMF Readers, successful people don’t focus on their failures.  They focus on their goals and how they are going to move forward even if they temporarily fall down.  Use each and every conflict as a learning opportunity and find forgiveness.  Build positivity, pay attention and nurture your marriage and I promise you that your bonds will be built strong enough to stand up to any conflict that comes your way.  Always view your marriage as whole and permanent and not temporary.

Lastly, remember, you and your spouse took the vow “till death do you part” not “until the next argument.”

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

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Denise Richards Caring for Brooke Mueller and Charlie Sheen’s Twins

December 18, 2012 By

As rep0rted on Eonline.com, two very famous women who both happen to be ex-wives of Charlie Sheen are making the headlines.  Brooke Mueller has entrusted Denise Richards to care for her and Charlie Sheen’s twin boys while she continues to get well in rehab.  This story in and of itself is proof that stepfamilies can get past the issues if both parties agree to not allow the issues to get in the way of what is best for the children.  TMF gives big kudos to Denise Richards for stepping up the plate for these two boys when their parents obviously aren’t able.  The story, as published on Eonline.com is below in its entirety.

Brooke Mueller may be in rehab again, but her twin boys with Charlie Sheen are safe and sound. Sources confirm that Bob and Max are currently staying with Sheen’s ex-wife Denise Richards. Mueller reached out to Richards for help while Sheen is tied up working on his FX series, Anger Management, according to the sources. “This isn’t the first time the boys have stayed with Denise for a length of time,” one source said.

No word on how long Richards is expected to care for them, but no matter. “Denise would do anything for those kids,” the source said. Mueller’s attorney told E! News earlier today that she entered rehab for addiction issues related to her use of Adderall.

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Fireproof Your (Re)Marriage!

September 4, 2012 By

Has the fire in your (re)marriage burnt out or headed in that direction?  Let’s face it, the statistics are staggering.  According the to latest survey taken by the U.S. Census Bureau, the divorce rates in the United States for first marriages is currently between 40-50% with the median length of marriage being 11 years.  For remarriages, that number increases dramatically to between 67-75%.  What’s even more stunning is one-half of all remarriages end in divorce after just three years.  Whew…now as disconcerting as those figures are, this is why we here at Today’s Modern Family do what we do.  We are dedicated to helping remarried couples avoid some of the pitfalls that unfortunately naturally accompany remarriage.

In preparing for this post, I took a small poll from several people that I know that live in blended families and I asked them what each of them thought was the top issue that causes problems within the remarriage.  Drum roll please…..expectations and integrating parenting styles was the number one issue.  The second most popular issue was the problem with putting the remarriage first before the children.  With that being said, I would say, in my professional opinion, the latter is the most important issue that has to be resolved in order to have a successful remarriage.  When the remarriage is put first in the lives of the life partners, it’s much easier to incorporate things like parenting styles, expectations and discipline.  It is widely known that if you allow your remarriage to become a prisoner to negative influences, it will tear your marriage apart.  Unfortunately, at times, those negative influences can be our children.  Now, I understand that some of those reading this post will be sent off the roof with that statement and say to yourselves…”what in the hell is this lady talking about?”  But, what you have to remember is that marriage is the foundation of family, not your children.  If the foundation of your marriage cracks, everything else cracks with it.  Of course, I have to put the caveat in here that I am not speaking about any situation that involves abuse in any manner, I am generally speaking about what would otherwise be normal circumstances involving the stepfamily environment and you or your spouse’s children driving a constant wedge between you (other stressors can take many forms).   When this happens, it causes one or the other partner in the marriage to feel controlled, restricted, belittled, disrespected and deprived, with deprived being the most important word.  In every successful remarriage that I have dealt with, when the feelings, opinions and heart of each spouse is put on the top of their partners priority list, the marriage exudes confidence, love, respect and trust.  When remarriage lacks priority, it is essentially deprived.  When the remarriage is deprived, the trickle-down effect begins and the whole blended family heads on a path of disaster.

If you are wondering about the title of this post “Fireproof  Your (Re)Marriage,” yes, you are correct.  I obtained the idea for this post from the movie Fireproof Your Marriage starring Kirk Cameron.  I was so incredibly moved by the movie that I began to ask myself the question, how can I apply this to remarriage.  Well, the answers to that was the same premise that Kela and I have been teaching our clients for years.  You have to treat your remarriage as if it is a first marriage.  In a first marriage, 9 times out of 10, parents stand united with one another by nature.  This does not occur naturally in stepfamilies.

One of my favorite sayings is that a garden that is not watered produces no harvest.  A flower that is not watered withers and dies.  A remarriage that is not put first on the priority list ends up deprived and suffocated.  Debunk the myth that focusing on your marriage means you are neglecting  your children.  Your children will not just be more well-rounded if you make your remarriage a priority, they will benefit greatly from it.  They learn what it means to be committed, to have trust and respect in a relationship and they actually see what love really looks like.

Fireproofing your remarriage begins with priority!  Make your remarriage your first priority and I promise you all else will fall in it’s proper place.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

 

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The Art of Compromise

June 26, 2012 By

Is your spouse the kind of person that loves to hear him/herself talk?  Does it always seem like the end to an argument proves to be at your expense because there is never compromise?  I am of the opinion that compromise is the single most important tool that all couples should have in their remarriage toolbox.

Partners in remarriage often struggle in the area of compromise because they are under the false impression going into same that “first comes love – then comes remarriage – then comes happily ever after,” hence they forget that you are not just blending your families, you are merging your values.  It is very hard to merge values without compromise. Think about it, when you blend families, unfair burdens are placed on stepparents and stepkids from the very beginning.  Everyone is expected to get along, birthparents assume you are going to love your stepkids and that your stepkids are going to love you and there you have the first of many misunderstandings wherein you will need to be able to apply your abilities to compromise.

The first step to positive compromise is healthy communication.  Life partners often forget when going through tough times that communication begins and ends with “both” the sender and the receiver.  Just as it takes two to tango in an argument, it takes two to compromise, hear one another and fix it.  When we are not applying compromise to our positions during conversational communication, the receiver never truly understands the message you are trying to send.  Kela and I have said over and over and it is worth repeating now, every human being desires to be heard.  They want to know that their opinion matters.  Emphatic listening to your spouse will take you far in being able to effectively compromise.  Keeping an open mind and being open to hearing their side of the conflict matters greatly.  It is selfish to shut out your spouses thoughts and feelings just because you want to only get your point across.  It never works.

It’s no secret, couples who compromise thrive.  The essence of marriage is the ability to achieve an unbreakable bond and closeness that cannot compare to anything else.  If you desire this type of unbreakable bond, compromise is not just needed, it is essential.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

  • Appreciate that both you and your spouse have been raised differently.  You are not going to always find that you agree on the same things (i.e., parenting styles, finance situations, emotional needs, etc.)
  • Respect each other’s views and opinions.
  • Kick “pride” to the curb!  Marriage is not a contest and compromise should not be looked upon as weakness.  It is actually one of the strongest tools you have in your (re)marriage toolbox.
  • Give and take.  Marriage is not unilateral and does not thrive with only one person doing all of the taking and the other doing all of the giving.  You have to always have your spouses best interests in mind and at heart.
  • Take a keen interest in your spouses feelings.  This will help you when  you have to apply compromise.  Know their values so you can effectively merge yours into his/hers.
  • Be aware and work hard to come to mutual understandings.  By doing this, you are teaching each other to be conscious of what your relationship means to one another.
  • Pay attention to your language and your tone.  I cannot stress enough the importance of “hearing yourself.”  How we say things really matters.  It is tough when you are going through stress to be mindful of this but it really does matter.  Remember, your message never gets across if your approach stinks.
  • Always examine the pros and the cons of the situation before approaching your spouse.  This way, you are not heading into your communication with just negative cards in your pocket.

I will leave you with this one final thought.  In the beginning of every relationship, each person always puts their best foot forward.  Your passionate stage is in full effect and we are always on our best behavior.  We want these feelings to last forever and will do whatever it takes.  A lot of times, after marriage, we tend to forget that the timbers in our fires need to continually be tended to in order to keep the fire burning.  Learning the art of compromise allows this closeness to continue and allows both you and your partner to meet one another’s needs together as a couple.  At the end of the day, it will always return to you balance and joy if you apply it effectively.  Care about your spouses heart and always attempt to apply compromise when faced with tough situations.  It will be well worth your effort.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Emotional Betrayal

March 26, 2012 By

One of the main questions I get when I am meeting with clients that are having marital problems due to the stresses and strains of the stepfamily life and remarriage itself, is how can I keep my spouse from withdrawing from me?  Unfortunately, there have been times when I have met with clients that allowed the stresses and strains to consume their remarriage to the point that they are emotionally disengaged with one another.  They both were purposely becoming more preoccupied with themselves and ignoring their marriages, spending less time together and definitely not interested in intimacy, with their spouses that is.  I have even had clients that have fallen into the trap of having emotional affairs with other people outside of their marriages.  Spouses guilty of this type of betrayal justify same by focusing on the fact that “no sexual contact” had been made and that the other person is only a “platonic friend,” but what they don’t realize is that actually, emotional affairs , 99% of the time lead to physical affairs.  This is dangerous territory for any marriage to say the least, but when there is already the dynamics of step involved, this territory becomes even more dangerous. 

Let’s talk about how couples become emotionally disengaged with one another.   Here are a few examples:

  • Communication is limited.
  • One or both spouses are too lenient on issues pertaining to boundaries, standards and expectations in the household.
  • Quality time between spouses is limited.
  • Matters of discipline regarding stepchildren cannot be agreed upon.
  • Expectations are unrealistic.
  • Stepchildren are non-accepting of stepmom or stepdad and causing issues.The marriage doesn’t feel like a partnership but rather one or both partners’ feels like a criminal or scapegoat in their own home.

When all or some of these factors are present in an already stressful situation, it is my opinion that as human beings we become more vulnerable to making mistakes and to falling into the trap of relying on someone else outside of our marriage to provide emotional support.  That emotional support may seem harmless at first because one might be thinking that they just need to “get stress off their chest” so they lean on someone of the opposite sex to get their “viewpoint” or something of the like.  As time passes, they come to find out that they are not just reaching for another point of view, but rather they are beginning to invest more of their emotions than they expected in this person.  Those emotions eventually turn into companionship and an emotional affair/betrayal has been formed.  Unfortunately, your “guilt-free” feelings become damaging to your marriage.

Protecting your marriage is the number one thing we preach here at Today’s Modern Family.  If your marriage isn’t healthy, your family will not be healthy.  If you marriage isn’t strong, your co-parenting skills will be weak at best.  If your remarriage isn’t bonded and you and your spouse are not on one accord, your family foundation will crumble.    Here are some tips to avoid the pitfalls of emotional betrayal.

  • Work together to have a marriage based on trust, friendship and love.
  • Spend quality and quantity time together. Take time out for your marriage.  It takes sacrifice to make any remarriage work but acknowledging that parenting is only one part of your life together.  Take time for each other.  This is one area you do not want to sacrifice.
  • Support one another’s goals and dreams.  Get involved and show that you care.  Nothing is more uplifting than to know that your partner shares your dreams and supports your quest for same.  Keep in mind that support is a two-way street.  Don’t just depend on your spouse to step up and understand everything right way.  Invite his/her participation as well.  Share your vision.
  • Don’t sweep existing issues under the rug or pretend there isn’t things you need to work on.   Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key to understanding and to being heard.
  • Touch one another frequently.  Small hugs, love pats and romantic kisses throughout the day leads to bond building.
  • Combine your strengths.  In every remarriage and in every nuclear marriage, where one might be weak, the other might be strong.  Complement one another.  Help one another.
  • Compromise, compromise, compromise.  This is one of the main components I stress in all of my coaching sessions.  Without compromise, you will not effectively be able to coparent nor will your remarriage stand the test of time. Compromise is one of the tools in your remarriage toolbox that you cannot go without.
  • Fidelity in your marriage is crucial.  When you took your vows, you promised to forsake all others in order to protect your union.  Don’t lean on others outside of your marriage for things that you should be getting from your spouse.  If you are feeling uneasy in this area, communicate your feelings to your spouse and seek professional coaching. 

TMF Readers, don’t be one of those couples that I end up meeting with that have a list of “things” they wish they had talked about or compromised on.  Put your marriage first and foremost on your “to do” list if you feel like there are issues arising.  As your relationship grows, it is important to always put in the work it needs so that your love becomes not just a simple “want.”  It goes deeper than that.  Your love your relationship becomes a “need” and a “longing.”  With that bond and commitment, there is absolutely no room for emotional betrayals and no room for division. 

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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“MOMPRENEURS” BALANCE IS KEY!

March 25, 2012 By

As a mother, stepmother, wife and businesswoman, I often get the question “how do you wear so many different hats and not go crazy?”  Drumroll please……BALANCE.

Whether you are an out or in home working mother, it is very important to understand and incorporate balance in your daily routine.  For all you women out there juggling your career, your mommy/stepmom-world, your household and your (re)marrige, this article is for you.  I like to call us “mompreneurs.”

Living, working and being a woman in the 21st century, I wanted to do some research on the subject of women in the workforce and the “superwoman syndrome” as I like to call it.  During the 1950′s and early 60′s, no more than 20 to 30% of mothers were employed outside the home.  Most of the women who worked at that time pretty much “had to” for various reasons (i.e., primarily poor women, etc.).  In the late 60′s and early 70′s, large amounts of women began to enter the workforce.  That is where the juggling act began to come into play.  By the late 80′s, 70% of mothers were also employed outside the home (statistics obtained from www.ucg.org).

Today, moms are doing it all.  They are not only moms, but stepmothers, entrepreneurs and employees all at the same time.  As you can imagine, with that comes a lot of stress.   Packed as my life is at times, I understand that in the world we live in today, this is not out of the ordinary.  For some of us, the challenge seems to lie in learning the art of balance.  Personally, the first step in finding the balance you need is to acknowledge that you cannot do it all.  Lowering your expectations is key.  It’s fine to have dreams and goals and to work toward them but don’t expect that you have to lose yourself in the process.

My five step plan to balance has worked for me in my busy life as a mompreneur and I would like to share it with you readers in hopes that instead of stressing about how you are going to get it all done, you can begin to apply balance which will make your life less stressful in your career and your (re)marriage.  Lots of marriages become stressed because of the inability to master the balancing act being a mompreneur requires.

Diane’s Five Step Plan for Balance:

1.  Set your priorities.  Your first priority should always be your marriage.  Consult and include your spouse.  Both you and your partner need to be on the same page when it comes to all things in your marriage, but especially if you are a mompreneur.  Communicating your goals, sharing your dreams and supporting one another is crucial.  Being a mompreneur along with a wife can clash if you and your spouse are not in agreement on subjects like money, time away from family, travel, etc.  Running a successful business and having a successful family life takes more than just support, it requires sacrifice from everyone in the family.  Communicating and involving (if you can) your spouse will help him understand your plans for not just you, but for what you are trying hard to accomplish for the bettterment of your family.

2.  Support Systems:  It is very important as a mompreneur to have back-up support.  As a business owner, there are times when I get a call from a client that might need me that day instead of the next when their normal appointment was scheduled.  Therefore, because of the nature of my business, I may have to juggle somethings around.  It is always good to know that I can call on one of my soccer moms to grab my son and take him to practice for me and I, of course, can return the favor at a later date.  It’s also good to know that I can pick up the phone and call my husband and have him handle dinner plans, homework and laundry duty that evening for me so that I can take care of my clients needs.  This type of situation doesn’t happen very often, but if it does, I have put my support system in place so that I can juggle without guilt.

3.  Time Management:  I don’t know about you, but to me, there is never enough hours in the day for me to get done what I want and need to get done and this leads to losing ourselves as I stated above.  Therefore, finding time for socialization, spiritual needs, mental, emotional and personal care can get pushed aside.  Condense your time and make sure you make time for yourself and others that matter to you.

4.  Get Organized:  Your work is a part of who you are.  If you are disorganized in your work, you personally will feel disorganized.  Calendar things in advance to avoid double-booking (i.e., make sure your children’s extra-curricular activities are on your calendar in advance of appointments so you can at the least make sure those are not missed); if you are a stay-at-home working mom, get your children on a good schedule so that your business time is not interrupted; have control over your workload.  Don’t take on more than you can handle at any given moment; keep your financial situation in mind before you make big changes.  Discuss those changes and financial situations with your spouse.  Don’t wait until the last minute to spring it on your husband.  And, if you have too much on your plate at the moment you are asked to take on another project, learn to say no!  It’s okay to step back a bit, regroup and it’s okay to say no!

5.  Lower your expectations:  Always keep in mind that on any given day there are going to be trade-offs that you have to make when being a mompreneur.  There are going to be days when your focus for that day is going to have to be on your children and/or your spouse (i.e., due to illness, school events, etc.).  When those situations occur, you may have to decide to make up your work at the end of the day – this is one of the trade-offs. Rome wasn’t built in a day and your career won’t be either.

Being a mompreneur takes sacrifice but keep in mind that it is not your whole life.  Take time to consider each decision you make when it comes to how those decisions might affect your family.  Be flexible and never forget that you have to take care of yourself.  You are not superwoman.  Remember that guilt, pressure and frustration will rear its ugly head and you will have to be prepared to balance.   You can thrive and balance ladies.  Lastly, I want to emphasize again the importance of quality time with your family.  Plan a vacation.  There is always going to be housework, duties to take care of and stress involved in being a mompreneur.  Take time to replenish and renew yourself and your family.  Vacations, even small ones, are great avenues to strengthening your relationships.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

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Same-Sex Parenting and Co-Parenting

March 20, 2012 By

In the 20th century, stepfamilies were just really beginning to surface. However, in the 21st century, they are more like the norm. Recently, while reminiscing with an old friend I found on Facebook, I remembered that when her parents got divorced, she found out that her father was gay and that he and his partner lived together. In their divorce agreement, her parents decided it was best for her to be with both parents equally and I remember her being concerned about how she would feel about living 50% of the time with her dad and his partner. As she noted at the time, it’s hard enough to get used to your dad marrying another woman, but marrying a man was even harder to comprehend for a 15 year old. Currently, in the United States, stepfamilies that involve a gay or lesbian stepparent are becoming more and more common. With that being said, you can imagine that the dynamics of stepfamilies change even further and become much more tricky as gay and lesbian stepfamilies bring to their environment both the usual stepfamily issues and additional challenges. However, like my friend, many of these stepfamilies are very successful. As a matter of fact, statistics prove that gay and lesbian relationships have the same long-term success rates as heterosexual relationships.

An example of the challenges that families in this situation face is the stigma and bigotry that is placed upon them by peer pressure. Like any stepparent, defining your role with your stepchildren will be hard but it may be a little trickier if your stepchildren face emotional issues or unfair stigmas from their peers. Young children who haven’t been exposed to prejudice views have no problem with acceptance, but preteens and teenagers may not be as lucky. Not only do they have to worry about what their peers think, at times, they may already have formed their own opinions in this area that may not always be that of their parents. All in all, patience in this instance is the key to successful stepparenting.

In my research, I have found the main component, like in every stepfamily, is communication. The lack thereof can be what makes your family stronger or what ultimately leads to its demise. When communication is lacking, stepparents find it difficult to execute their roles and their identities feel as if they are null and void.

Outside of all of the myths that come along with same sex partnership (i.e., because a parent is gay their child will be gay, etc.) (which research has proven that children raised in gay/lesbian homes are no more likely to become gay than that of straight parents). Other challenges that gay and lesbian couples in a stepparent situation face is that which is different from my story above. Some ex-spouses are resentful at the notion that their children have to be raised in this type in environment so they are less likely to communicate and co-parent effectively. Ex-spouses often use their ex-partners sexual orientation against them when it comes to custody and court battles which make way for a lot of tension and stress for the children, not to mention bullies at school, etc. In my opinion, when this situation presents itself, honesty with your children is always the best policy. It is important that both parents are honest with their children. Otherwise, children feel isolation of the family unit they once had. Remember, the children are the ones that have to manage what is going on within the different households but also with their peers and those outside of their world. In speaking about this particular stress, think about this idea. Children are taught from all ends of the spectrum (from school, church, peers) that being in a gay or lesbian relationship isn’t what is “traditional.” It’s up to parents and stepparents to communicate and to be honest and allow them to express their feelings, to listen to their opinions and views and to let them know that what they think matters. Once open communication and trust is established, they will feel more free to be honest with you about their feelings and it is with this openness that you will be able to help them with acceptance. Here are a few tips to help you navigate a newly formed gay/lesbian stepfamily situation:

Communicate. Communicating with your ex-spouse, your new partner and your children is the utmost important task you need to master. Not only do feelings need to be discussed, but talking to them about your sexuality is also needed. Obviously, age-appropriateness needs to be taken into consideration as a 3 year old isn’t going to understand, but if your children/stepchildren are old enough to understand, or to feel the effects of your relationship from outside influences, then you need to be open and honest. We have to practice what we preach as parents. We want our kids to be honest with us, we need to be honest with them. This component is especially important when it comes to helping them with acceptance. Their feelings are important, they should matter to you and you should make sure they understand that.

Respect Their Feelings.  Children may have feelings of fear upon first learning of your sexuality. Make them comfortable by explaining to them that whatever feelings they have on the subject are safe with you and they are safe to express themselves as long as it is in a respectful manner. Be supportive.

Educate Them.  As I state frequently, children live what they learn. If you teach your children to learn to respectfully deal with those that choose to disagree with their views and/or those that treat them differently, they will always end up on the right side of the fence. If we model these same behaviors, they will follow our lead. Otherwise, if we don’t teach them, they will pay more attention to the negative and therefore their reactions to people who may not agree with your family situation may be toxic.

Spend Quality Time with Them.  Make sure that your time with your children/stepchildren is quality time. Your children will need extra support and it is important that you and your partner provide that by spending quality time with them.

TMF Readers, if you are a part of a newly-formed, same-sex partnership where you are raising children/stepchildren, I encourage you to pay attention to your children’s needs, fears and concerns. I would also encourage, as I would any nuclear or stepfamily, to encourage them to voice their opinion. As parents, it is our responsibility to make sure our children’s needs are met whether that be emotional, mental or physical. Most importantly, our children need to know that we value them, their feelings and their opinions. Once they know they have a voice and feel those vibes from you and your partner, they will be more well-rounded and will care much less about what others think.

Peace and blessings,

Diane

 

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Noreen Lambert’s Blended Family Kitchen

March 12, 2012 By

As the holidays were upon me last year, I began perusing the internet for some good edible gift ideas and came across my new favorite YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen!  Noreen had me at “hello” when I was able to recreate her fabulous coconut and brownie macaroons and I got rave reviews from my coworkers.  Over time, I found out that Noreen also lives in a blended family.  She, her husband Rick and her two daughters make it work!  I was intrigued by how all members of the family join Noreen in the kitchen, which I also feel is so important in bond building with families.  The kitchen being the center of the family, Noreen has it down pat!  With that, I had to interview Noreen.  TMF Readers, I hope you enjoy my interview with Noreen Lambert as much as I enjoyed chatting with her.  Not only do I now have a new cooking mentor, I’ve made a new friend in the process.

Diane:  Noreen, let me begin by saying that I am so excited to have this conversation with you.  I have been a big fan of your YouTube channel, Noreen’s Kitchen, for some time now and thank you for allowing me the opportunity.

 Noreen:  Oh thank you Diane, I am extremely flattered that you would have me here.

 Diane:  Your YouTube channel is a fabulous outlet for women like me who aren’t experts in the kitchen but love to cook.  What inspired you to cook for an audience?

 Noreen:  I don’t have a great answer to that question, except that I wanted to do it.  I’ve been into making videos for the past 3 years now but before that I was just a viewer.  One night, I thought I would make a dinner.  At first, I wasn’t great at editing, I had to learn the learning curve, actually learned an awful lot.  I wanted people to come into my kitchen and feel like they are sitting at my kitchen table.

 Diane:   Growing up in a blended family and having a blended family currently, what is your perception of how a blended family should operate? 

 Noreen:  I think that I have two different ideas.  My father died when I was 10.  My mom remarried soon thereafter. My stepdad was my father’s very good friend.  However, I was daddy’s little girl, so the loss was very devastating for me.  I will admit, I was not easy to live with and I probably didn’t really accept him as my stepfather.  I didn’t disrespect him but I had a hatred for him until my early 20’s.  My family works because it works for us.  Everyone is different.  When I was growing up we didn’t have “blended family” we were told and were expected to be “just family.” 

Diane:   What do you think caused you to feel hatred?

Noreen:  Because he was replacing my father.  We, my brother and I had always known him as “Uncle Paul” and as soon as my mom and Paul came home from their honeymoon, I was told that  he was no longer to be called “Uncle Paul,” but either “Paul or Daddy.”  A giant paradigm shifted in my life.  If I call him Paul, I will upset my mom and if I call him dad, I am being disloyal to my  deceased father.  That was a lot of pressure.  Of course, every family has issues that have to be dealt with in one way or another, but sometimes its easier to brush them under the rug and hide them which only causes more pain.  I have a brother 5 years younger and he didn’t know we had a blended family because the “step” part of it was all he knew.  I, of course, had a different experience as I knew my father well, I was ten.  I was his little girl.  My brother had horrible guilt that he never knew our father.  As parents we all make mistakes and we can’t fix them but grow through them.  I never got permanent closure from losing my dad.  We just had to grow thru it. 

Diane:  How do you think these experiences have affected your parenting?

Noreen:  As a mother now, I am painfully honest with my children.  When I separated from their father, they were 2 and 4.  18 months later, Rick and I met and we finally married 3 years ago.  Rick has a daughter in Vegas and she dislikes me.  I know what she is going through as I went through the same situation.  She doesn’t accept me in that respect.  She is 14.  I never would have guessed that my stepdad would be a fabulous dad now but I got really lucky.  Every family has their dysfunction.  My kids accept Rick as their dad.    

 Diane:  Do you find that your belief system is a lot different than that of your parents when you were being raised in a stepfamily?  Is there anything you purposely do different?

 Noreen:   Very much so.  I do a lot of things different from my mom.  My mom is very “everything has to be planned.”  That doesn’t work for me.  Growing up, we had a living room that no one sat in, a dining room that no one ate in.  I am totally different.  We have to live for today and I want my kids to grab life by the “balls” and that they should try everything and realize that there is nothing in life that they can’t do whether they live in a blended family or not.   You have to pick your battles.

Diane:  What lessons did you take from your personal childhood experience that you may or may not want to bring into your current experience?

Noreen:  We are a team.   Our family growing up wasn’t a team.  Parents were parents and kids were kids.  In my house we play on the same team. 

Diane:  A lot of times, stepmoms feel the need to overcompensate or to be the “fixer of all things” for their husbands, stepchildren, children, etc.  What advice would you give people who are suffering from what I call “super stepmom syndrome?”

Noreen:  Its funny you should ask this.  I always feel guilty if I don’t make something better.  Being a woman in general we feel obligated that we have to make everyone happy all the time.  Society in general makes us feel this way.  When I am cooking on the videos, I always say “it doesn’t have to be perfect.”  I am by far not perfect but I think that the most important advice I can give is to “forgive yourself.”  Be easy on yourself.  We can only fix what we can fix.  I spent a lot of my life worrying about what I couldn’t fix.  The sun still comes tomorrow.  Tomorrow is another day.

Diane:  Those statements are extremely powerful and so true.  You speak my language Noreen.   As a stepmom, what do you think is the most important lesson you have learned through this journey?

Noreen:  That you just have to let things be.  She doesn’t have to like me.  It has to be organic.  You cannot put a seed in the ground and do nothing to it and expect it to produce a fruit.  You just can’t.  You have to let it happen naturally.  The bottom line is the seed gives me a guarantee that if I water it and take care of it, it is going to give me something back.  But you have to nurture it and feed it and work at it.  You don’t just have a relationship; you have to work at it.   People automatically think that just because their children, they don’t have to work at it.  They are still people.  Everyone has to work at relationships.  People discount children because they are children.  They have feelings. 

Diane:  You and Rick make a great team on camera as I am sure you do in your married life.  What impact has Rick had on your girls? 

Noreen:   He is very patient and very accepting.  Having been in the military for so long he knows how to delegate.  He never expected anything from them which goes back to that organic relationship.  It has grown from there.  Their relationship was never forced, it always happened on the kids terms and they were able to build trust in him.  How I was raised is “we are going to be a family whether you like it or not.”  That doesn’t work. 

Diane:  One thing I notice about you and Rick is that he is very involved in helping you with your YouTube channel (i.e., filming, commenting and even cooking from time to time).  I think it is wonderful that the two of you exhibit your “love and support” of one another the way you do. You laugh together and you make us laugh.  It’s very important in remarriage and in any relationship to nurture it.  Do you agree?

Noreen:   If I can be humorous,I think the greatest way to learn about how to have a good marriage is to screw one up!  My first marriage didn’t break up just because of my husband, we both played a role.  Nurturing your marriage is the most important lesson I can give people.  The first time around, it was very important for me to be right and for him to be right and now it doesn’t matter who’s right.  Your reward for hard work in your marriage is the reward of your good relationship. 

Diane:  To keep in line with tradition, I ask all of my interviewee’s this question.  What do you do for fun?

Noreen:   Go to Busch Gardens, Williamsburg, Virginia.  I also craft.  I love crafting.  Another past time, is that I love to play on the Wii.  I am also a movie and trivia junkie. 

Diane:  Noreen, it has been a real pleasure interviewing you and thank you for allowing Today’s Modern Family into your world.  We are doing our best to serve blended families and we love to acknowledge great, successful blended families when we get the chance!  Thank you for stopping by and letting me pick your brain not just on the issue of stepfamilies, but with regard to my favorite pastime – cooking and baking.

Noreen:  You’re so very welcome Diane.  I very much enjoyed our time together and thank you for having me.

 

Noreen Lambert is a wife, mom, stepmom and homemaker who loves to cook.  You can find Noreen’s channel on YouTube with the tag name of atticus9799 and at www.noreenskitchen.com. 

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Falling “Out” of Love After Your Remarriage

January 25, 2012 By

Over 75% of remarriages now end in divorce.  That is a stunning fact. Let’s face it, the pressures associated with being in a blended family can lead even the strongest couples down the wrong path.  How about you?  Are you feeling gloomy about your remarriage?  Do you feel like you are falling “out” of love with your spouse?

Clients ask me questions related to the above all of the time.   The fact remains that you don’t just fall “out” of love by chance.  Not focusing on solutions to problems as they arise causes friction, which if ignored causes tremors, which if still ignored causes earthquakes. It’s a simple trickle-down effect.  Instead of addressing feelings and concerns like loss of power in the relationship, feelings of inadequacy and rejection in the family, they decide that unequivocally they must have picked the wrong person and they are no longer in love with their spouse when in actuality their love is strong, but one or both parties have allowed the issues to take over their marriage.

Another reason blended family spouses have such trouble is because of their expectations having not been met.  High expectations that their families are going to turn into the “Brady Bunch” the day the marriage license is signed is a recipe for disaster.  Mix in a little disrespect from their stepchild here and there or the ex-wife calling for something menial, then “there goes the marriage!”  Learning to deal with these issues on the forefront (i.e., pre-marital blended family counseling) can help rectify these situations before they occur or at least help you to not make mountains out of molehills.

In the beginning of any good relationship, chemistry with your significant other is usually going hog-wild.  Well, as we all know too well, chemistry never lasts forever.  Chemistry contributes to the relationship but it doesn’t make your relationship last.  Love sustains it and keeps it going.  Being in love means making a commitment to work through whatever needs to be worked on. Being in love means putting your (re)marriage first and supporting it and each other.  It means spending time on it and not pushing it aside for anyone or anything and that includes your children together and apart, work and friends.  Unfortunately, all too often, this is the hardest task of them all.  Finding time to spend together is relatively a key ingredient to a successful, long-lasting relationship.

All successful (re)marriages have common denominators.  Trust, honesty, love, support and forgiveness.  If you are feeling having the falling “out” of love blues, ask yourselves these questions:

  1. What is the cause for my feelings?  Assess the situation as a whole.  Take some time to really scour your thoughts.  Is something else causing you to feel this way (i.e., stress, anxiety, depression, work stress, friend stress, etc.)
  2. Do my feelings on the subject change from day-to-day?
  3. Are the blended family issues that aren’t being resolved adding to my feelings?

As human beings we are geared to focus more on the negative attributes of any situation.  After you have had the chance to ask yourself the above questions, take stock in the following tips to help you get through answering them:

  1. Make a list of all the good things you fell in love with about your spouse and write out your love story.  Just putting those thoughts on paper and reading them will help you tremendously.  Encourage your spouse to do the same and read them together.
  2. Look into a couples retreat.  This is a great way to spend time together while at the same time getting some much needed education.
  3. Enlist the help of a certified stepfamily coach to work up a Co-Parenting Plan that helps your family navigate.  It’s OK to ask or help.  Call me, I would love to help!
  4. Stop focusing so much on the problems and give your attention to the solutions.
  5. Don’t temporarily bandage the issues by sweeping them under the rug and pretending they are fixed.  I promise you, they will arise as more than a scratched surface but a full-blown injury.
  6. Your friends don’t know the value of your relationship.  Keep your relationship between you and your spouse.
  7. Talk, talk, talk!  Communication is key!  Keep talking to your spouse.  Let them know they matter to you and what they have to say, whether you agree or not, matters to you.
  8. Limit your expectations.  Rome wasn’t built in a day.  The Brady Bunch had great writers narrating the story of their lives.  Blended families and remarriage is tough to conquer but think of your commitments and actions as small investments toward your eventual success.
  9. Have compassion.  Honor your spouses difference in opinion.  You can disagree with while at the same time still honoring it with understanding.  Compassion in the blended family and in remarriage will take you a long way.
  10. Support your spouse unconditionally.  Again, you don’t have to agree on every issue, but support their decisions and let them know you will not judge them.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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