“We” or “Me” in Marriage

You, me, WE.  Yours, mine, OURS…c’est WE!  Who knew those bitterly plotting pronouns would follow us long after we bid adieu to our rigid English instructors’ bloody war zone of red corrections slaughtering our diligently written papers.  Stalking us like ninjas in the night…ready to obliterate us with their nunchuck skills the minute we utter our marriage vows binding “me” to “we.”  Singular pronouns D.O.A.  Your plans.  My savings.  Your house.  My car.  Your money.  My kids.  Married adults declaring “Mine, Mine, Mine, Me, Me, Me?”  Much like a couple of preschoolers brawling over the only light up Buzz Lightyear toy.  One difference…preschoolers are way easier to deal with.    We adults sometimes get so caught up in remaining individuals, we forget that we married for a reason…to join TOGETHER.  But, understandably, with a 50% divorce rate, we may find ourselves in self-protection mode, keeping assets, experiences, and problems separate…just in case.  The problem is “me” can’t manage a marriage.  The mindset of “we” is what keeps us bonded together.  Without it, “me” usually ends up becoming a divorce statistic.  Me, you, us, we, mine, yours, ours.  The language of marriage quickly devolves into one down and dirty pronoun throwdown!

It seems obvious enough.  For a marital union to remain happy, it must be…well, united.  A union is formed when two become one.  Two individuals merging together to form a singularity.  If two individuals don’t wish to become one ~ financially or emotionally ~ they should also avoid a marital merge  and should, instead, travel as a parallel pair on a perpetual dating road.  But for those who do choose a marital merge and wish to prevent fatal accidents, the traffic lingo must be WE.

A study published in the journal Psychology and Aging followed 154 middle aged couples and had a front row seat to their pronoun throwdown.  Blood and gore galore!  Last one standing:  “WE!”  Those couples who stuck to plural pronouns… “our,” “us,” or “we” …were happier with one another and showed less physiological stress.  When conflict did arise, these couples showed more relaxed heart rates, had lower blood pressure, and were better able to resolve their conflict.  Opposite the plural pronoun victors were those who emphasized their separateness…using singular lingo such as “I,” “mine,” or “me.”  These couples weren’t as content in their marriages, had more difficulty resolving conflict, and displayed more negative facial expressions, tones of voice, and body language.  Hmmm…they were sore losers even before they lost. 

In today’s modern matrimony, some couples predict their own failure.  Before the marriage license is even signed, they anticipate divorce and make it a point to keep anything and everything separate…mine, yours, no confusion.  Some see it as savvy business sense or self-protection.  Some see it as a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Our expectations sometimes predict, or cause, our outcomes.  Things like prenups, while my logical brain can justify them, scream “red light” to my emotional brain.  Entering into a union that is based on trust without trust seems a moot point.  Why open the door if you’re expecting an armed stranger?  And if you do open the door and arm both yourself and the “stranger” with ammo, fear and self-preservation will eliminate one…or both.

But that’s just finances.  Some couples choose the more treacherous road…emotional singularity.  Rather than focusing on financial assets, they focus on more intimate day-to-day experiences and problems.  Day after day, reiterating their separateness.

~ to the sick spouse ~ “You’re sick?  Ok, you stay home.  I’m going out.  See ya.”

~ to the wife who pleads for help with birth control ~ “Your body.  Your problem.  I’m not getting a vasectomy!”

~ to the husband who worries about money and struggles to support the family ~ “I AM buying this for myself.  I deserve it.”

~ to the wife who’s crying over a lost connection ~ “What’s your problem?  I’m here.  What more do you want?”

“Sticks and stones may break my bones…”  but words can break our bond.

Turns out words are much deadlier than sticks and stones, acting as poison darts firing upon an already choking emotional connection.  When we disconnect emotionally, we tend to quit thinking in terms of “we” and focus on “me.”  We’re no longer a team.  Gone are the days of “us against the world.”  We divvy up our metaphorical weapons and prepare to stand alone.  We stop making together plans, stop considering the other’s feelings, and begin carrying out our days alone only crossing paths when absolutely necessary.  Result…LISTEN UP!  The fat lady is singing.  D.i.v.o.r.c.e…it’s D-Day.  He finally has those double D’s he’s been dreaming of since his pubescent afternoons spent in the john.  Unfortunately, the only thing he’ll be “jerking” on is his wallet as the divorce lawyer charges him for giving her half of everything.  Uh-oh…the fantasy has gone horribly awry, no?

So, how do we take back our marriage?  And control our looming pronoun throwdown?

Experts say it’s simple…equality.  Neither husband, nor wife, dominating the relationship.  No “his.”  No “hers.”  Just “ours.”  Whether it’s financial assets, debt, problems, or plans…the concept of “us” suggests a team…working toward a common goal and providing support and confidence for one another.  Without the team mentality to help us through life’s storms, we’ll be drenched in the pouring rain hoping our tiny umbrella for one won’t attract the crackling lightning from above.

Scientists say our pronoun lingo is as telling about what goes on inside our marriage as an x-ray is of what goes on inside our body.  It can show a healthy body…or it can reveal a nasty cancer festering, growing,  and destroying its host. They say to master our marriage, we must master the art of togetherness while maintaining our own identities.  That we must share interests, feelings, ideas, experiences, and memories.  When shared, this common ground serves as our marriage fingerprint…gives it a uniqueness all its own.  No two alike.  This fingerprint is bonding as a couple and helps to create a sense of “we.”  Together, we’ve survived terrible twos, teenage rage, job loss, and dysfunctional families that make us want to bitch slap the Cosbys.  On the other hand…together,  we’ve enjoyed births, anniversaries, school plays, vacations, and holidays that would put a tear in Clark Griswold’s nostalgic eye. “We” persevered…together.  And together, “we” stand united to face whatever more this fickle life has to throw our way.  As long as WE control our pronoun throwdown.

Ditch the “‘me.”

Say “OUI” to “We!”

Chick Hughes

“The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together.” ~ Robert C. Dodds

Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family. She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at http://www.chickhughes.comto read more of her work. Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.

Do You Have a Marriage Crisis Intervention Team?

Like Chick Hughes just mentioned in her last article all couples fight! It doesn’t mean you’re headed for divorce court or that one of you will end up on the next episoded of Snapped. It just means that you are comfortable enough with each other to disagree and say so. The argument itself isn’t the problem; it’s what you do afterward that will make or sometimes break your marriage.

The first mistake couples make is turning what is often times a trivial argument into a catastrophic event. I’ve personally witnessed couples get upset over the silliest things, but call their lawyer to draw up the divorce papers. Many times, it isn’t that deep at all, but out of fuming emotion, one or both will take it there. Why? Because they don’t have a good marriage crisis intervention team in place.

A marriage crisis intervention team are the people you call when you’re standing on the ledge and about to jump. A bad team of people will give that well-meaning but detrimental advice regarding what you should do as a result of the argument. Instead of offering an objective view point, they feed off of your emotion by saying things like, “girl, you should leave him,” “he’s probably cheating,” or “he ain’t no good.” These are the people who convince you to jump off that ledge and do something stupid, like drawing up those divorce papers or packing your stuff and leaving. YOU DO NOT WANT THESE PEOPLE ON YOUR MARRIAGE CRISIS INTERVENTION TEAM.

A good team will do the exact opposite and more. These are the people who will talk you off the ledge! They will remind you that you are just fuming with emotion and saying things that you really don’t mean. They know that you really don’t want your marriage to be over; you’re just mad right now. They listen, are supportive and remind you of how much you really do love your spouse. They convince you to wait a few days before making regretful decisions based on emotion. They ask thought provoking questions, like “Are you sure you’ve exhausted all of your options and you really want to end your marriage,” or, “Have you guys tried counseling?” This is the team that will fight for your marriage when you are too mad to do so. These are the people you should call if you need to vent after an argument with your spouse!

Again, ALL couples fight but the remarried couple provides even more opportunity for conflict. How you recover from those arguments partly depends on who catches you when you fall. A good marriage crisis intervention team will remind you that it really isn’t a crisis at all and make you realize that your marriage at least deserves a fighting chance.

Kiss My Azzzz…All Married Couples Fight!

He’s mad.  She’s mad.  He yells.  She rebels.  He decides to call it a night.  She demands they stay up and finish the fight.   None of us is unfamiliar with the best marital advice this side of a divorce.  Drum roll please… “Never go to bed angry!”  It’s said that if we don’t hash through a disagreement before our head hits the pillow at night, it’ll lead to resentment and ultimately dismantle our relationship.  Well, I don’t know about the rest of the married world…but if I had to resolve every marital argument before going to sleep at night, I’d quickly resemble a zombie from the Thriller video.  And on that laughably inadequate amount of sleep, I’d be much less passive…think cross between “Zombieland” and “NightBitch On Elm Street.” Yeah, this is what happens when I “Never sleep again.”    But it turns out sleep-deprived fight nights and  groggy dark circle-eyed days don’t pave the spit-swapping way to make up sex.  So, in the event of a night brawl, should we stay awake and duke it out…or put our head to pillow while we internally shout?  Is “never go to bed angry” sound advice?

Psychologists say NO…it’s a myth.  They say couples are afraid of fighting…when, in fact, fighting (in moderation) is a sign of a healthy marriage.  We all fight.  It’s inevitable.  Spending minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day with the same person WILL lead to disagreement from time to time…unless you’re a deaf-mute…and even then the sight of their annoying breathing pattern may eventually tip your tolerance scale.  We coexist, therefore, we fight.    Sometimes over our passionately differing viewpoints…and sometimes over mundane little details of our deceptively delightful days.  Whatever we’re sparring over, experts say the fact that we’re sparring at all is a good sign.  It means we’re comfortable enough with ourselves, AND with our partners, to disagree.  That we won’t go along with whatever the other says just to avoid an argument.  They say it’s THIS bobble-headed “whatever you say” attitude that leads the bobbler to, one day, tire of nodding his head and leave the marital bed.  So, go ahead…speak up!

If you do speak up one late night opportune moment, emotions are running high, and the argument is going nowhere…pushing the issue while both partners are emotionally and physically drained will be more harmful and counterproductive than going to bed while angry.  When we’re exhausted and seething furiously, the last thing we want to do is LISTEN.  And just as important as sharing our opinion is LISTENING to that of our partner.  Listen, share, listen, share…compromise OR agree to disagree and move on.  But none are likely to happen in the middle of a war with lots of ammunition and little rational thought.  We’ll just keep hitting lower and lower below the belt trying to make our point.  In the end, we’ll still go to bed as our heads boil over with tears…however, now more damage has been done…and that damage cannot be undone.  This emotional unleashing is due to what psychologists call “flooding” …when we’re so overwhelmed with anger and emotion, all rational thought has evacuated our firehouse head, our hearts are pounding, and we lose all ability to fairly and justly resolve an argument.  It’s better to table the discussion until  morning and go to bed mad.

When you find yourself head on with a night fight, remember the three R’s:

Recharge: Go to sleep, get rest, and recharge your battery.  The issue at hand will be clearer with a rested mind.  With rest comes rational thought.  With rational thought comes perspective.

Regroup: Think about the point your partner was trying to make.  Was it valid?  Was yours?  More often than not, with a fresh perspective, we realize the argument wasn’t ALL THAT!

Revisit: Choose a time to revisit the issue with your partner.  Discuss it with a clear mind and emotions in check.  If the issue remains ALL THAT upon revisiting, then more discussion is needed.  If not…then let it go, apologize, and get geared up for make up sex.  Established emotional and sexual connections are the ties that bind our love.  Heated fights will unravel those ties.  And failure to reestablish them will burn the edges so they may never bind again.  So, manage your relationship and “tie” it up with a pretty little bow. 

We all fight.  It’s not a sign of the end times for our marriage.  It’s simply a sign that we’re together every day, we have our own opinion, and we’re comfortable enough with one another to vocalize that opinion.  A healthy couple will fight.  A smart couple will fight when the time is right.

So…go ahead.  Sleep on it!

Chick Hughes

“Do not teach your children never to be angry; teach them how to be angry.”  ~Lyman Abbott

Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family. She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at www.chickhughes.com to read more of her work. Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.

Protect Your Marriage

Just like Rome wasn’t built in a day, neither is a marriage.  Marriage is built over time. During that time, we build our marriage through our experiences which allows us to grow and develop into complete partners.  However, in these days and times, with everything from the promotion of infidelity on television to the internet social networks we have to be extra mindful of protecting our marriages in order to avoid falling into some of those traps.

My husband and I, like many of you, have had to work very hard at our marriage.  Not because it is super hard, but rather because we both have come to a point in our lives when we both know that this is it for us on the marriage front.  Both of us have been married more than once and we are determined that this will be our last.  We love our lives together and it pains us to think about not being together.  Both of us often talk about wishing we had met one another sooner in our lives.  We believe God placed us carefully together.  However, with love comes conflict and sometimes pain.  We have our share of arguments, fusses and fights like any other couple.  If we didn’t, something would be wrong.   With that being said, we have armed ourselves with a few tools that help us wade through those troubled times.

1.  We keep our lines of communication open at all times.  It has been said that most affairs begin with shared feelings and shared frustrations that should have been shared with a mate. For example, one might use the excuse “this person hears me and understands me.”  In my opinion, this is bullcrap!  Affairs begin out of deceit, lust, emotions and selfishness.

2.  Make your affection known.  I know not everyone likes to be affectionate in front of other people.  It is very endearing to show your affection for your mate in front of others.  I am hopelessly in love with my husband and I let it be known and so does he.  We hold hands when we take walks anywhere, we kiss goodbye or hello no matter where we are and we even hold hands while sitting in the car.  My husband even surprised me by inviting all of my friends and family to a dinner party for my birthday.   It’s those little extra things that allows us to protect our marriage.

3.  Social Networking.  The internet is a valuable tool, but it can also be a deadly one to marriages.  I have seen many marriages fail due to the internet and I have seen many clients that always give the internet as a reason for some strife in their relationship.  You might be asking…”what is so wrong with finding someone from my past?”  Nothing is wrong as long as your marriage is in a good place, your intentions are good and you inform your spouse about it.  However, if there are already problems, and you are already being dishonest and not communicating with your spouse, social networking can become an extra thorn in your marriage.  I say “everything in moderation” is good.  Key word being “moderation.”

4.  Be a team.  Solve problems together.  This makes your marriage strong.

5.  Make time to be alone.  Romantic dinners do wonders for marriages.  Talking about problems is not allowed.  Only communicate about your feelings for one another and focus on yourselves.  Say “I Love You” every day.

Marriage is built on a foundation of love.  The feeling of knowing that you trust your spouse unequivocally is a feeling that cannot be described.  Trusting your spouse is protecting your marriage.  Being an endearing spouse (i.e., being appreciative, saying, I love you and thank you) showing affection and having empathy are simple yet essential components to protecting your marriage and finding true happiness.  Your marriage matters.  Do now what it takes to have a successful, long-lasting marriage.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

His No Drama Mama by Chick Hughes

The following was written by guest blogger, Chick Hughes

Too much emotion.  Too soon devotion.  Too many tears.  Unfounded fears.  When verbalized, all synonymous with drama in the eyes of the all-American male.  Men love many things…a hot curvaceous girl invitingly shooting him come-hither eyes, a winning touchdown seconds before a game’s end, freaky uninhibited sex in…well, anywhere…location doesn’t really concern them,  a thick juicy steak big enough to consume the plate it’s served on…just to name a few.  Any combination of which will render him putty in her hands.  But one sure fire way to callously jerk him from his state of euphoric bliss is to throw a little DRAMA his way!  Men infamously hate drama…and, of course, women cannot seem to exist without it.  I once read a one-liner from a man that summed up how he claimed men feel about drama.  In reference to a particular girlfriend of his, he wrote “The juice wasn’t worth the squeezing.”   Wow, that says a lot, does it not?  Too much juice on her end and not enough thirst on his.  Men and women have so much to learn about one another…but in order to learn and enjoy the “juice,” he has to take the time to squeeze.  Otherwise, he’ll have so many different flavors of “juice” on his palate, his mouth will be in a permanent state of sour- induced contorted twists.  And, walking around with a face like that,  his “juice” problems will be all dried up.

Why do men hate drama?

To a man, a woman who is verbalizing her feelings in depth and dwelling on them is creating drama.  He hates drama because he doesn’t understand it.  Men don’t verbalize problems or feelings.  They internalize…go into their mental cave to fix the problem.  And if she tries to force her pretty little only-trying-to-help head into that cave, she’ll likely lose it.  WARNING:  NO interruptions while the “fixing” process is underway.  He’s a problem-solver, not a detail thinker.  If she complains, cries, or presents him with a problem, he immediately puts on his fix-it hat.  He feels he needs to determine the problem, triangulate a solution, and put that solution into motion…then, and only then, in his mind, has he done his job, protected his woman, and made her happy.  This is his way of showing his love for her.  But, too many emotional details cloud his plan of action and only frustrate him…however he forges on.  Once he’s zeroed in on and offered a solution, she gets angry.  He’s confused…she had a problem, he solved it, but she’s still angry?  He’s not sure what she wants from him.  Both have hit a dead end.  Let the fighting begin.  After going a few rounds, he realizes that he doesn’t know how to fix the problem because she won’t allow him to.  She’s just tied his hands behind his back while spoon feeding him a steady stream of drama that he doesn’t know how to digest…eventually he’ll get full and spit it back at her, walk away, and distance himself from the perceived problem.  If he’s not allowed to fix it, he feels like a failure.  If a man is made to feel like a failure, he pulls back.  If he pulls back, she assumes he doesn’t care.  Result:  more DRAMA…more pulling back…more drama…more pulling back…disconnect.  Tip for men:  Listen, don’t fix.  Determining the “whys to her cries” without attempting the fix may just turn those cries into bedroom surprise.

Why do women create drama?

Some have theorized that women create drama in an unconscious attempt to put a man on the spot and find out his emotional strengths and weaknesses…in essence, judge him on how he handles emotional situations…is he a listener?  encouraging?  patient?  selfish?  empathetic?  supportive?  It’s hypothesized that this “test” acts as gauge as to what her future may be like with him.  While this is not a scientific theory,  it’s a theory that very much intrigues me.  By nature, we strive to find the best suitable mate for ourselves AND the best possible father for our children.  His emotional gauge is vital information to this search.  A way of eliminating the “bad eggs” and revealing the “golden egg.”

 Some scientists claim that a woman who creates an excessive amount of drama and displays needy or clingy behavior was likely the child of neglectful parenting…that the child was accustomed to begging for love and attention and is, therefore, conditioned to think drama is the only way of achieving it.  Ironically, in the end, that drama will only achieve the opposite, as she’ll suffocate any man who attempts to love her.  Fan a flame, you see light.  Suffocate it, you see nothing.

Cold hard truth?  Women are emotional beings.  Emotional all of the time, yes.  More emotional once a month, absolutely.  You can bet…she hates her monthly friend more than he does.   He may be held captive and forced to watch the hormonal sideshow starring the two-headed,  flame-eating woman… but she’s the one tied up emotionally and taken hostage by her alter ego freakshow only to later wonder… “Who the hell was that?”  But that’s just once a month…best advice…lower your head and NEVER, ever look her in the eye, as it’s seen as a challenge.  And going up against two heads spitting fire cannot end well. She shares her feelings, emotions, and problems not because she wants him to “fix” them.  She shares them to establish and nourish relationships.  She shares them because  she loves him, because she wants to bond with him, because she needs to feel that he understands her.  It’s just that simple.  She’s not looking for a solution.  She doesn’t want, or need, him to fix her problem.  If she does, she’ll ask.  Otherwise, she only wants him to listen.  She wants him to validate her feelings and empathize with her.  She wants him to be quiet, listen…and say “I know.  You’re right.  I can totally see why you would feel that way.  Is there anything I can do?”  Validation…check.  Empathy…check.  This response will calm her,  reinstate him as her rock, and make her fall in love with him all over again.  Soon her meltdown will begin to solidify.  Once it does, she’ll be equipped to move on, get over it, and possibly get it on.  Emotion (hers, not his)  followed by sex is the ultimate connector.  With the almighty power of this combo, not only is he her emotional rock…he’s her sexual Hercules. 

Men must realize that women and drama go hand in hand…understand this, accept it, and learn how to respond in a way that will make her respond.  Cutting off her emotional sharing will in turn cut off her connection to you.  Keep all connecting roads open…and you will find many short cuts to the destination of your sexual choice.  Women must realize that sometimes we overdo the drama. While it’s a necessary evil with us, too much “evil” will wear down the devil himself.  Keep the emotional sharing on a short leash.  Too much running rampant will result in piles of crap everywhere.  And if he’s not allowed to clean it up, he may leave the park.

 Realistically, it’s not within a woman’s grasp to attain No-Drama mama status.  But, with a little understanding and effort, she can totally rock his world as his Low-Drama mama.

Chick Hughes is a wife of 15 years, mother of 2, and lover of psychology. She holds a B.S. in Psychology and offers insight, advice, and humor on relationships, sex, and family.  She has extensive experience with children, but now stays home with  her own children, Patrick (9) and Anna (3), who both delight and challenge her daily. You can visit her website at http://chickhughes.com/ to read more of her work.  Or you can visit her fan page on Facebook, Chick Hughes, where you can participate in discussions relating to her current topic.

Marriage and Divorce: A Powerful Lesson

Below is a thought provoking, powerful story about marriage and divorce, written by an unknown author. For me, it further confirms my point that marriage is something that is to be cherished, nurtured and protected. If any of you reading this story is considering divorce, I sincerely hope it makes you think twice.

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me… she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office…. jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse’s friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

Marriage Rules You Can Break

Today, I read a fabulous article on MSNBC.COM entitled “10 Marriage Rules You Can Break.”  I thought I would repost them and share them with our readers as they are informative and right on the money.  Enjoy.

Don’t go to bed angry

Trying to work through a problem when you’re tired and stressed won’t get you anywhere, says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D. “Agree to disagree for now, and to revisit the issue when you’re rested.”

Always Be 100% Honest

In marriage, no-holds-barred honesty is not always the best policy. “You don’t need to share details of past relationships,” says Barbara Bartlein, RN, MSW. The bottom line: You need to be polite and caring when it comes to your partner’s feelings.

Never Vacation Without Each Other

The received wisdom here is that if you have time off from your jobs and lives, you should naturally prefer to spend it together. The danger, says Dr. Lombardo, is the belief “that you have to be each other’s everything, and that’s just not realistic.”

If you Fight, You’re Headed for Divorce

Actually, says Bartlein, research shows that couples who never fight – assuming that means they’re holding back to avoid conflict – are more likely to split.

Always Put the Kids First

Making your relationship top priority is better – not just for you, but for your children, who need to see you in charge and who feel safer and more secure with parents who have a loving relationship.

Never Sleep in Separate Beds

It’s a myth that couples always sleep better and more cozily together than apart. So if one of you occasionally decamps to the guest room, don’t sweat it.

Partners Should Sync Up Their Hobbies

Giving up your passions is akin to forgoing your independence, and “without independence in a marriage people feel trapped,” says Bartlein. Pursue your separate interests and find activities you both enjoy.

If There’s No Spark, You’re Doomed

“Many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and should seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love.

Boring is Bad

The problem with this so-called rule, says Bartlein, is when couples confuse a calm, predictable union with a bad one. A drama-filled relationship may feel exciting, but in the long run it’s not likely to be healthy.

You Should Have Sex With Your Partner to Make Him Happy

“Sex becomes yet another item on your to-do list, and you think you have to do it for the sake of your marriage and the happiness of your spouse,” says Dr. Lombardo. While neither of those reasons is wrong, they shouldn’t be the only reasons.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The Joy of Sacrifice

“In sacrificing something we believe, we can be rewarded with something we love….Morag Prunty”

Marriage is a lot like a good recipe.  It’s not an exact science, for example like baking, where every measurement counts, but it takes  a pinch of compromise, respect, love, loyalty and trust.  It also takes a pinch of sacrifice.

When problems arise in our relationships, we tend to throw the covers over our heads, stick to our attitudes and questionable actions, even when we know we are wrong. We forget that in order for our marriage or relationship to thrive and, more importantly, to survive, we have to sacrifice.  For example, I have spoken to many husbands whose main complaint in their marriage is that their wives don’t understand their need for frequent sexual intimacy.  Their needs are not being met and their wives brush their complaints off as idle chatter.  On the other hand, the complaint I hear from the wives of these men are that their husbands do not understand their emotional needs which has a direct trickle down effect on their sexual relationships with their husbands.  In both of these examples, from each of the husband and wives perspective, you can clearly see where a little sacrifice, on both sides, could turn these problems into positives.   Here are a few tips you might find handy:

• Open the lines of communication with your spouse/partner.
• Assure your spouse/partner that no problem is ever too big for the sacrifices that can be made between the two of you to fix it.
• Listen one another intently.
• Do not respond upon impulse.
• Do not let pettiness turn into hatred.
• Let go of issues that, at the end of the day, don’t really mean anything.
• Forgive.

Like any good recipe and marriage, you have to have all the right ingredients.  If you find out you are missing something after you have already begun preparing,  you have to make sacrifices to ensure the stability of  your base.   Sometimes, in order to feel more secure in ourselves, we allow ourselves to become too intermingled and caught up with the small inconsistencies in our marriages instead of finding ways around those inconsistencies to fix them  permanently.  If we spend a little more time on figuring out what it is that we, as individuals in the marriage, each can do to make sacrifices to change what we can to make our marriages better, we will find that our marriage is stronger, better and able to withstand the test of time.

The most important part of sacrifice is the ability to find acceptance.  Being able to accept each and every part of our partner or spouse, whether that be a good or bad quality, allows us to experience and to give and receive unconditional love and it is there that we find the joy in our sacrifice.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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