#1 Rule: Love Each Other First

New York Times Best Selling Author” Ayelet Waldman said it best….”I love my husband more than I love my children” in a prior essay she wrote about marriage and children.   She was also “booed” on the Oprah show for her remarks.  After reading her prior essay and listening to Ms. Waldman on the radio program, Fresh Air, I can’t wait to go out and get my copy of ”Bad Mother.”‘

With that, her essay point begged a post on the subject of the first rule for every marriage and especially blended family, spouses must love one another first and must put each other first, before the children and especially ex-spouses, in their lives.  In America, and I am certain in other countries as well, we have been trained so differently, especially if you are a single mother. We are taught that once we have children, they come first, at times, even before ourselves.  All we know is our children.  All we want to do is take care of them first and foremost.  Not only is this philosophy wrong and detrimental to our emotional health and well-being, but to our marriages as well.  In order for our marriages to survive and in order for us to create a healthy, happy home life for all of us, we have to align with our spouses and have a bond that is stronger than that of the bond with our children.  This is a daunting task to say the least because like Ms. Waldman being “booed” on Oprah, society just can’t always wrap their minds around the idea that if your marriage is unbreakable and your husband/wife is first in your life, not only will your overall family life be better, but your children will be happier, well-rounded and emotionally well.

Of course, I, like most parents, can understand the fear behind the idea of putting your spouse ahead of your children because up until about 3 years ago, if you asked me if I would not have put any man before my children, even their fathers, I would have said “No” unequivocally.  However, 3 years ago, my marriage wasn’t at all like it is today.  The Bible tells us to cling to our spouses but some of us still cling to everyone but our spouses.  The very day that I made the decision to always put my husband before my children, grown or not, my marriage changed for the better.  Not only is this rule good for you, your spouse and your marriage, there is an incredible lesson being taught to your children.  Your children learn that there is no room for division.  They learn what it means to have unity and security.  Moreover, when they are older, they will be more likely to enjoy healthy, happy marriages themselves.  It has been proven time and time again that if your marriage is not strong, your children will be able to feel and sense it which in turn makes them insecure.  Being on the same page and putting your spouse first teaches your children that they cannot dismantle the family hierarchy but rather fortify their role in the family as well, thereby avoiding confusion.

In my opinion, Ms. Waldman has it on point.  The luckiest thing that has ever happened to me is meeting my husband.  It is a remarkable feeling to know that he and I always have one another’s back, that we stand united together in not just our decisions, but in the wholeness of our marriage.  Although our children may not like it at times, they know they cannot drive wedges between us nor can they play one of us against the other.  These are life lessons that they take into adulthood and into their own marriages.  By my husband and I always putting one another first and taking care of our marriage first, we are making sure our needs as a couple are being met.  For example, when you board an airplane, what is the first thing that happens?  The flight attendants teach you how to use the oxygen masks first as parents, and then give them to your children, correct?   That is because if you are not stable, they won’t be stable.  The same applies in your marriage and family life.  If you as parents aren’t stable, there is no way you can provide a stable environment for your children.  The most important part of that stability is loving your husband or wife first and putting your marriage before your children.

Say yes to your marriage and remember the number one rule:  Love each other first.

Peace & Blessings.
Di

The Power of Influence

Most often, the subject title of this post would be taken as negative in the minds of  most.  However, I wanted to talk a bit about the positive ways that we as partners can influence one another in our relationships.

Solid relationships aren’t about beating our respective flaws out of one another, but about accepting them in one another, changing the framework of our attitudes and our approach to how we handle situations as they arise.  For example, as women, and being the emotional creatures that we are, we assume that men have no emotions.  Instead of automatically assuming that our husbands/partners or significant others don’t understand our feelings or concerns, and decide to bump heads at every possible corner with him/her, we can change our approach and instead decide to be the channel for loving on an emotional basis.  Men need just as much emotional love as women do.  By being the channel for that love, we are speaking his language.  He doesn’t always know how to show his emotions, because boys aren’t raised up, most of the time, to show them.  Therefore, by being the channel to for love, our influence in that part of our relationship will speak volumes to our spouses.  Change the framework.  Reframe your ideas and opinions.

Don’t focus on faults.  Instead, show your spouse that his/her faults are just endearing idiosyncrasies that you may not always like, but that you have grown to accept as a part of being imperfect, as we all are.  By doing this, we are influencing our spouse to do the same when some of our own faults or endearing idiosyncrasies suddenly decide to show up.

Let’s face it, the truth is that in marriage, it is literally impossible for two people to live together for any length of time and there not be times where they hurt one another.  It has often been said that all too often our lives get in the way of our living and loving fully.  By changing our approaches and reframing our problems on our individual end, we influence our marriages for the good.  That good turns into reciprocity.  As we are taught when we are little, “treat others as you wish to be treated.”  It comes full circle because when you give good, you get good.

Happy marriages are based upon truly deep friendships, mutual respect and mutual deposits by both spouses.  Having positive thoughts and exuding positive behaviors will, in turn, supercede negative feelings by our spouses.  It is very persuasive when we are able to overcome negativity with positivity.

So TMF readers. . . .influence, influence, influence your spouse with positivity.  Reframe your approach and attitudes and I promise, it will return to you two-fold.  Remember, love is patient, kind and long-suffering.  But, most importantly, it accepts many imperfections.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Marriage Rules You Can Break

Today, I read a fabulous article on MSNBC.COM entitled “10 Marriage Rules You Can Break.”  I thought I would repost them and share them with our readers as they are informative and right on the money.  Enjoy.

Don’t go to bed angry

Trying to work through a problem when you’re tired and stressed won’t get you anywhere, says Elizabeth Lombardo, Ph.D. “Agree to disagree for now, and to revisit the issue when you’re rested.”

Always Be 100% Honest

In marriage, no-holds-barred honesty is not always the best policy. “You don’t need to share details of past relationships,” says Barbara Bartlein, RN, MSW. The bottom line: You need to be polite and caring when it comes to your partner’s feelings.

Never Vacation Without Each Other

The received wisdom here is that if you have time off from your jobs and lives, you should naturally prefer to spend it together. The danger, says Dr. Lombardo, is the belief “that you have to be each other’s everything, and that’s just not realistic.”

If you Fight, You’re Headed for Divorce

Actually, says Bartlein, research shows that couples who never fight - assuming that means they’re holding back to avoid conflict - are more likely to split.

Always Put the Kids First

Making your relationship top priority is better - not just for you, but for your children, who need to see you in charge and who feel safer and more secure with parents who have a loving relationship.

Never Sleep in Separate Beds

It’s a myth that couples always sleep better and more cozily together than apart. So if one of you occasionally decamps to the guest room, don’t sweat it.

Partners Should Sync Up Their Hobbies

Giving up your passions is akin to forgoing your independence, and “without independence in a marriage people feel trapped,” says Bartlein. Pursue your separate interests and find activities you both enjoy.

If There’s No Spark, You’re Doomed

“Many still believe that when the spark dies out, it means they’re in the wrong relationship, and should seek something new,” says Bartlein. Long-term relationships survive on commitment and trust, out of which grows love.

Boring is Bad

The problem with this so-called rule, says Bartlein, is when couples confuse a calm, predictable union with a bad one. A drama-filled relationship may feel exciting, but in the long run it’s not likely to be healthy.

You Should Have Sex With Your Partner to Make Him Happy

“Sex becomes yet another item on your to-do list, and you think you have to do it for the sake of your marriage and the happiness of your spouse,” says Dr. Lombardo. While neither of those reasons is wrong, they shouldn’t be the only reasons.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

It’s ALL About Me!

In our relationships there are times when all we think about is our own personal interests and our own needs.  We actually refuse to see our spouse or significant other’s point of view, nor are we open for communication.   With that being said, conflict is inevitable; however, most of the time, it isn’t the conflict itself that is the problem or how it is potentially resolved, but it is about our own attitudes and issues.

Sometimes in our relationships we get in a funk.  We fall into that “it’s all about me” attitude and we aren’t focused.  This holds especially true when conflict arises.  We tend to convolute the issues by bringing up past issues and problems that hurt us, or ones that we make “all about us” and we don’t allow our focus to be on the present or our actual feelings today.  At that moment, we skew all understanding of what is really happening and we make our situations more taxing.

Having empathy in our relationships is one of the single most important values to have.  When conflict arises, instead of tending to only think about ourselves and our own personal feelings, we need to instead flip it and have empathy for our partners.  With that, we can in turn see one another’s point of view. We can also see our problem or issue more objectively which will then lessen the focus on the argument at hand.

The following are some tips on ways to improve your personal attitude when you are suffering from what I call the “it’s all about me” syndrome:

• Listen to one another intently.  Do you ever find yourself sitting there when your spouse is talking to you and you are thinking about tomorrow’s work or what you are going to cook for dinner that evening?  Many of us have been guilty of this.  It is important to remember that solid communication takes two to achieve.  In our marriages and relationships we have to remind ourselves what is most important to us.  Let’s be perfectly honest, there are times when what our partner has to say to us (or what we have to say to them) isn’t really that interesting.  However, truly engaging ourselves with one another, no matter the subject, reflects true communication.
• Own your own issues.  Rarely does fault lie with one person in a relationship.  When we argue or have hard times, we tend to place blame unfairly.  We tend to shy away from admitting when we are at fault or plain wrong.  It takes learning humility in order to feel confident in admitting your own faults.  The positive to having such humility is that it opens the door for your spouse to do and feel the same and sets an important example.  As I always tell others, humility should certainly not be taken for weakness.  So, own your own issues, admit when you are wrong and move past the problem.
• Empathy, empathy, empathy.  I cannot stress it enough. Place yourself in your partner’s shoes and walk in them.  Feel what they feel.  By doing this, you will see a clearer view of their reasoning and their opinions.  Hopefully, with both of you exercising a little empathy, your focus will lessen on the issues.
• The “Right” Factor.  You do not always have to be right!  Get over yourself.  You are a partner in your relationship.  The definition of partner means two people in a marriage or relationship that share a common interest, an ally, a teammate.  Instead of demanding to be right, find compromise.  Look to resolution instead of allowing “the win” of the argument to matter.  In a relationship that you value, being right or “winning” should be the last thing on your mind.  Because feeling like you have to ”win” at the expense of your relationship or your spouse/partner’s feelings, means something is desperately wrong.

Finding balance between our feelings as spouses takes work.  Having respect, listening and reminding ourselves to be effective communicators with one another will lead you out of the funk of ”it’s all about me” and into “we are a team” attitude.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Communication Principles of Marriage

As this week’s inspiration says, Author Rob Flood credits the principle of first response  that helped him change his attitude and save his marriage. This principle tells us that the course of any conflict is determined by the responder, not the initiator. As the responder you have the power to determine the direction of the conversation. As unfair as it may seem, when your spouse angrily approaches you with a concern, you can make a choice to diffuse the situation with the type of response you give. You can make a choice to either pay attention to the message or the approach. If you focus on the message, you will be more likely to respond accordingly instead of trying to match his or her anger.

Flood also outlines the principle of physical touch that helped to save his marriage. Once an argument has already started, this principle is hard to apply. As such, if  you apply the first principle and diffuse the situation before a full blown argument starts, the second principle will be much easier to apply. This principle suggests that when you know you’re headed for war, hold hands, sit close to each other so you can naturally touch. Ever wonder why marriage counselors always make spouses face each other and hold hands? In my case, if a situation is really intense, I suggest that the couple sit with their backs touching each other so they are still touching but not distracted by each others’ facial expressions. This is because it’s hard to fight with someone when you’re making physical contact. Try it. The next time your spouse angrily approaches you with a problem that has obviously been bothering him or her for quite some time, take his or her hand, and say, “let’s sit down and talk about it.” Your response will likely surprise him or her enough to actually do what you are suggesting and you will let him or her know that you are interested in hearing his or her concerns. This will allow you both to work toward a solution instead of focusing on the argument.

Research suggests that only 7% of our communication are based on content; meaning, we don’t hear each other enough to even disagree on what each other are saying. What we are mainly arguing about is the fact that we are both angry and the approach; which is why 38% of communication is based on tone of voice and 55% is based on non-verbal signals such as facial expressions and gestures. Although the responsibility falls on both of the participants in the argument, it is easier to diffuse an argument via the response rather than the initiation. And throughout a marriage, both of you are definitely going to swap positions as the responder and the initiator.  As such, you may find yourself angrily approaching your spouse and need a gentle answer instead of harsh words as the response. Remember, it’s  not about being right or proving to each other that you could be on an episode of Law and Order, it’s about getting each other.

Solomon said, “A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare.”

Super Sexy Single Mom - Catt Sadler

You know her as E Network’s entertainment reporter on the hit show Daily 10. I know her from my pageant days as a fellow Indy 500 Princess way back in 1995. Who is she? She is the super sexy, confident, newly single mom Catt Sadler. This recently divorced mother of two adorable boys is another example of one who is redefining herself post divorce and embracing what’s to come.

In an interview with Singular City, an online magazine for successful LA singles, Sadler opens up about her new life as an entertainment reporter, being a single mom and dating again.  She expressed that although she isn’t changing the world reporting on the biggest break ups and best dressed at the Oscars, that’s okay because her first and most important job is that of a mom. She also said that her divorce, which was final nearly 3 years ago, hasn’t soured her on marriage; however, she is cautiously entering the dating scene again.

“Dating as a single mom ain’t easy,” she says. “It’s a very delicate situation that I take seriously. The fact that I have kids hasn’t been a deterrent for guys, but determining if or when they get to meet my li’l dudes requires a lot of consideration,” said Catt.

This independent single mom said that she isn’t particularly jaded about men and is interested in completing her family again someday. But for right now she is learning a lot about herself and enjoying it. Way to go Catt! What a positive outlook on life and love post divorce.

For the full story first published on Singular City, click here.

The Joy of Sacrifice

“In sacrificing something we believe, we can be rewarded with something we love….Morag Prunty”

Marriage is a lot like a good recipe.  It’s not an exact science, for example like baking, where every measurement counts, but it takes  a pinch of compromise, respect, love, loyalty and trust.  It also takes a pinch of sacrifice.

When problems arise in our relationships, we tend to throw the covers over our heads, stick to our attitudes and questionable actions, even when we know we are wrong. We forget that in order for our marriage or relationship to thrive and, more importantly, to survive, we have to sacrifice.  For example, I have spoken to many husbands whose main complaint in their marriage is that their wives don’t understand their need for frequent sexual intimacy.  Their needs are not being met and their wives brush their complaints off as idle chatter.  On the other hand, the complaint I hear from the wives of these men are that their husbands do not understand their emotional needs which has a direct trickle down effect on their sexual relationships with their husbands.  In both of these examples, from each of the husband and wives perspective, you can clearly see where a little sacrifice, on both sides, could turn these problems into positives.   Here are a few tips you might find handy:

• Open the lines of communication with your spouse/partner.
• Assure your spouse/partner that no problem is ever too big for the sacrifices that can be made between the two of you to fix it.
• Listen one another intently.
• Do not respond upon impulse.
• Do not let pettiness turn into hatred.
• Let go of issues that, at the end of the day, don’t really mean anything.
• Forgive.

Like any good recipe and marriage, you have to have all the right ingredients.  If you find out you are missing something after you have already begun preparing,  you have to make sacrifices to ensure the stability of  your base.   Sometimes, in order to feel more secure in ourselves, we allow ourselves to become too intermingled and caught up with the small inconsistencies in our marriages instead of finding ways around those inconsistencies to fix them  permanently.  If we spend a little more time on figuring out what it is that we, as individuals in the marriage, each can do to make sacrifices to change what we can to make our marriages better, we will find that our marriage is stronger, better and able to withstand the test of time.

The most important part of sacrifice is the ability to find acceptance.  Being able to accept each and every part of our partner or spouse, whether that be a good or bad quality, allows us to experience and to give and receive unconditional love and it is there that we find the joy in our sacrifice.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

How to Encourage Positive Projections in Your Marriage

Have you ever had a friend or co-worker who constantly refers to his/her marriage in a negative manner?  I have such a co-worker.  Every day there is a new complaint:  he’s gained too much weight; he doesn’t satisfy her anymore; he never finishes a home project; he snores too loudly; he doesn’t support her visions….the list goes on and on.  Well, this behavior got me to thinking about the difference between reflecting  positive projections in our marriages versus the negative and how destructive reflecting such negative projections can be to our relationships and our view of  our spouses.

There are many ways that we can incorporate positivity into our daily lives so that we do less negative projecting in our marriages and allow our positive thoughts, attitudes and perceptions to make our bonds stronger.

For example:

• When you both have legitimate concerns, realize that your spouse’s concern deserves to be addressed, not just your own.
• Reframe the behaviors that bother you the most about your spouse.  For example, if you feel your spouse is having difficulty satisfying your needs, talk to him/her about your feelings and offer to teach them about what you desire.  Taking the extra step to come out of your comfort zone to make an effort to reframe your behavior will work wonders and filter over to your spouse.  Instead of criticizing your spouse about his/her sexual issues with your co-workers, be honest with your partner.  Honesty is always the best policy.  Be proactive about helping him/her to change this factor.  By doing this, you have proactively taken the negative out of the situation and made it a positive.
• Make an effort to understand each others’ intent regarding your respective behaviors.  9 times out of 10, your separate understandings will be totally different.  Give one another the benefit of the doubt.  Listen to each others’ explanations without interrupting.   You might find that your spouse’s concern may be something important that you need to deal with together.
• Refrain from speaking negatively about your spouse in the presence of others.  The old saying goes..”be careful what you ask for…you might just get it.”  Well, if you do not make a habit of claiming negativity in your marriage, you will be more prone to claiming and receiving positivity in your marriage.

By utilizing some of the above tips, you will be able to be more objective when dealing with negative issues and able to bring in more positivity into your relationship.

Remember, when we married our spouses, we didn’t just commit to them in happy times, but also in stressful times.  Accepting each others’ neuroses is a part of a having a happy, healthy, positive  marriage.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

85 Years of Marital Bliss!

I came across this fabulous article featured on www.msn.com and was astounded!  Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher of New Bern, N.C. have been married 85 years and on their May 13th wedding anniversary, they will join the elite club of the world’s longest marriages on record.  Mr. Fisher is 104 and Mrs. Fisher is 101.   The article went on to say that in order to find other couples married 86 years and more, you have to go back more than 200 years.

The Fisher’s credit their marital success to faith in God, a loving family and a few big fusses over their long marriage.   What more can be said?

We here at Today’s Modern Family salute Herbert and Zelmyra Fisher of New Bern, North Carolina.  Here’s to 86 years of marital success!

Peace & Blessings,
Kela and Diane

How to Have Healthy Arguments in Your Marriage

It has been proven time and time again that no real relationship or marriage exists without healthy argument and disagreements.  All humans are different and have different opinions and views and this certainly applies in today’s modern families.  Marriages are not exempt.  Differences, although can be looked at from a negative point of view, are actually healthy and build character in your marriage.  Of course, as long as these differences/disagreements are not something that cause irreversible harm and/or discord.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is that they think by ignoring their problems or brushing them under the rug, that time or the absence of discussion about them will keep them from resurfacing.  However, the exact opposite is true.  Silencing yourself, pushing your feelings and problems under the rug will only enhance them.  It will not only be the cause of their resurfacing, but the cause of them exploding into something much worse!

When issues arise, being objective is key to overcoming problems.  In my work, it is often easy for me to listen to a couple and pretty much immediately point out exactly what is going on between them and whether or not it is something they are going to be able to work out.   At times, to them, it seems that I can even understand their relationship better than they can.   How…you might ask?  Simply, my point of view of their relationship is objective and not personal as it is with them.   As the old saying goes, “It’s easier to see from the outside looking in rather than the inside looking out.“  The key word being “objective.”

In every relationship, each person not only deserves to have their point of view validated when issues arise but also they deserve to know that their opinions matter to their spouse.   For example, you and your spouse are in an argument because your husband comes home, immediately gets his newspaper and beer and for the next hour ignores everyone and everything around him. He even gets upset when you interrupt him because you have supper on the table.  When communicating your feelings, you might begin with “I understand that reading is very relaxing for you but we haven’t seen one another all day and when we don’t eat together, I feel disconnected from you,”  instead of immediately going for the jugular with “You grabbing the paper and ignoring me is pissing me off.”   Being a little empathetic to your spouse’s reason for his/her behavior goes a long way.

A great tool in communication is empathy.  Try walking in your partners shoes (or thinking about it that way) when a situation arises.  Separating yourself and your marriage from the problem at hand is a good start.  When things are stalled, ask your partner “What can WE do to change this?“  Think of ways around what you are arguing about and sometimes, just simply agreeing to disagree on an issue is enough.  This simple step can be applied in your blended family environment as well.

Another great tool to use is to adopt a bit of flexibility when you are having disagreements, especially if you have been known to be on the stubborn side at times.  When you are willing to give a little bit and take a little bit, you will find that your spouse will be inclined to do the same.

Learning the art of being objective, flexible, empathetic and respectful with your spouse are valuable lessons in creating productive communication through disagreement, and of which will carry the two of you for a lifetime.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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