Jennie Garth and Peter Facinelli Ending Their 11-Year Marriage

March 14, 2012 By

I have to say that I was saddened by the news that former 90210 star Jennie Garth and Twilight star Peter Facinelli are ending their 11 year marriage.  By Hollywood standards, this was a long marriage and it’s always sad to see it happen especially when children are involved.  According to the L.A. Times blog, The Envelope, Peter Facinelli plays vampire Carlisle Cullen in “The Twilight Saga,” but sadly his marriage to “90210″ actress Jennie Garth isn’t similarly immortal.

The star couple announced Tuesday that their 11-year marriage has ended.

“While we have decided to end our marriage, we both share the same deep love and devotion to our children,” Facinelli and Garth told Us Weekly. “We remain dedicated to raising our beautiful daughters together. We ask for privacy and respect during this time.”

They share three girls: Luca, 14, Lola, 9, and 5-year-old Fiona. The news comes on the heels of Facinelli’s Monday appearance on “The Hunger Games” red carpet with his eldest.

Facinelli will enjoy an anonymous summer before promoting the final “Twilight” installment, “Breaking Dawn — Part 2.” Garth is committed to a charitable outreach for children’s literacy, a book reading with Cheerio’s Spoonful of Stories, slated for mid-March.

While the news may come as a surprise to some, reports as early as last July had the pair on the rocks, living apart and trying to work out their differences.

 

This article can be read in its entirety at :  http://latimesblogs.latimes.com

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Happy New Year – 2012!

December 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

TMF Readers, Kela and I want to thank you for being such loyal readers throughout the past year and most importantly, we want to wish you and your families all of the peace, joy and goodwill that your hearts desire.  May your New Year be the best year yet for you and it is our hope that you will continue to come to our site and enjoy what is upon our hearts to share with each and every one of you.  Kela and I have had a tremendous year filled with our share of mishaps but the joy certainly outweighed the bad and we are better women, mothers, sibilings, parents, step-parents and spouses for it.

In the coming year, we are hoping to give you more.  Kela is diligently working on the fabulous Joyful Mind Project and you readers will be absolutely amazed.  Kela and I will continue to keep Todays Modern Family your “go to” place for advice and great articles on the sensitive issues facing blended families today.

As 2011 closes, both Kela and I want to thank our readers for their continued support.   In closing, as Edith Lovejoy Pierce once quoted….”We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year’s Day.”

Peace & Blessings for a Wonderful New Year!

Diane and Kela

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Terrible Couple — Amazing Co-Parents?

October 31, 2011 By Leave a Comment

We all know the statistics.  Over 50% of all marriages end in divorce and more than 60% of all remarriages do the same.  We all assume our marriages start off on the right foot then over time, for whatever reason, the issues consume us and eventually sink our marriages.  Further, most couples end up in divorce court because they wait until it is too late to get the help they need in order to save it.  The feelings of resentment creep in and the couple becomes detached from one another. Unfortunately, during this time, the silent partners in the relationship, the children, suffer the most.  With that being said, there still is hope.  I know many divorced couples that are able to put their pe rsonal feelings and resentments aside for the betterment of their children and have become amazing co-parents.

When talking to my clients who are experiencing co-parent issues, the first piece of advice I like to give them is that they need to look at their situation through the eyes and perspective of their children.  Children look to their parents for their stability and support both physically and emotionally.  If you two are a mess, they will be more than a mess.  You can be great co-parents as long as you develop a good business relationship aside from your divorce.  That seems odd for most people to hear.  A business relationship?  Yes, raising healthy and stable children is meticulous.  Remember, your past marriage and your current parenting take different skill sets.  Therefore, after divorce, your feelings about your marriage need to be put aside.  Like in business, in healthy and effective co-parenting, there has to be strong commitment.  Most of you will say, ”well that’s easy….they’re my children, of course I will be committed.”  Well, I am here to tell you that when divorce is fresh, new and you are still hurting, a lot of times, that commitment to healthy co-parenting is the last thing on some folks’ mind.  I find it amazing that when a couple is married they agree on how they are going to parent their children ”together” but when divorce creeps in, they ultimately decide that must change and their parenting has to become a battle.  Seriously TMF readers, I have seen it on many occasions and most parents are in denial about it.  I’ll give you the following examples of same:

  • Ignoring phone calls or messages when the child is in your custody.
  • Common courtesy calls no longer exist (i.e., when the child is sick in your custody, you don’t inform the other parent).
  • Disparagement of the other parent occurs when the children are present.
  • Notice is not given about parent/teacher conferences or events until the last minute and the other parent is not able to attend or is not notified at all.
  • Use your children to relay messages to the other parent.
  • Discipline that one parent instituted is disregarded when the child is in your possession.

Friends, there is no rule that states that after divorce you can’t get along with your ex spouse, especially in order to co-parent your children.  Being able to co-parent effectively lessens the chance that your children will be caught in the cross-fire because of unresolved issues.  This is where I say your co-parenting relationship has to become a business relationship.  The children you created together deserve to watch you and learn and have stability.  If parents are able to realize that it’s okay to see past their own feelings in order to accomplish this for their children, they will be on their way to becoming amazing co-parents.  Remember, you  both have things to teach your children and you have to “love” your children more than you “hate or dislike” each other during the process.  Here are a few tips to get you on your way:

  • Back one another up on decisions.  If your ex has disciplined your child and your weekend or Spring break has come up, stick with the instituted discipline.  If you falter on this issue, your children will always know they can play two ends to the middle.
  • Major decisions regarding your children should always be made by both parents.
  • Respect, respect, respect.  DEMAND IT for both parents.
  • Communication is critical.
  • Our children’s feelings come first before ours.
  • Don’t sweat the small stuff.  You and your ex are different.  Neither of you may not always understand the others reasoning for things.  Try not to sweat the small stuff.  Most of the time, it’s not worth an argument.
  • No parent-playing allowed.  Children are good at getting one parent or the other to “side” with them.  Communication is key with this issue.  Parents have to talk.  All children play their parents from time-to-time and when they are teens, it usually gets worse.  Your children should know that you trust the parenting skills of the other parent at all times.  This alleviates this issue 90% of the time.
  • Keep the grown up issues between the two grown ups.  Speaking in an ill manner in front of your children will only create insecure children.  Don’t disparage.  It’s not worth the damage it causes.  Remember, your children are part of the other parent just as they are a part of you.  When you disparage, they take that as an insult to them, whether they show it or not.  They love both of you.
  • Encourage each other.  Yes, not only is it possible, it is healthy for your children.  When the both of you are trying hard to co-parent effectively, appreciate one anothers efforts.

TMF readers, your children are watching you.  I cannot stress this enough.  Keeping your focus on your children after divorce sometimes means you have to be the bigger person when conflict arises.  By being able to co-parent effectively, you are not just showing your children that their mental, physical and emotional health means the world to you but you are teaching them how to handle conflict themselves which will serve them well in the future.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Are You Nurturing or Sinking Your Marriage?

August 22, 2011 By Leave a Comment

If a flower isn’t watered it eventually dies….Right?

The answer to the above question isn’t rocket science.  Think about it.  We nurture our children, we nurture our jobs in order to keep them, we nurture our parents when they need us, we even nurture our friendships etc. etc.  The list goes on and on.  However, when it comes to our most important relationship, the one we share with our life partners, we tend to take for granted that it will always be okay.  We tell ourselves that we will make time for him/her tomorrow.  Well, more often than not, tomorrow becomes the next day and the next day becomes next week and so on.  When your relationship becomes stale, you are flabbergasted and cant figure out why it is sinking. 

A relationship as sacred as that in which we share with our spouse absolutely needs to be nurtured.   Your marriage nor your feelings have to fall into the trap of complacency.  In fact, being aware of some of the bad habits that you might be displaying can keep you from going down that path.  Some of those habits might include:

  • Focusing only on the negative aspects and not the positive.
  • Not paying attention to your spouse.
  • Nitpicking.
  • Bickering.
  •  Using language that doesn’t reflect your togetherness (i.e., the way you talk about the good and bad times).

Granted, there are a lot of stress factors going on in these days and times in our lives which can lead us to focus more on whats negative in our personal relationships but for every negative, you should be able to find 5 positives about your spouse that will remind you of why you chose to spend your life with that person.   In the words of Kela Price, “marriage is hard, remarriage is even harder.”  Keeping your marriage alive and healthy will be a test to your strength as a couple but is essential.  As I discussed above, the arch nemesis of marriage is complacency.  We cannot just think that just because we have made a commitment to one another that we don’t have to work hard at it to keep it alive.  Only you and your spouse can ensure that your relationship will stay exciting.  Only you and your spouse can make sure that your marriage stays afloat and only you and your spouse can nurture your love.

The number one necessity in succeeding at nurturing your marriage is romance.  No matter how secure you think you are in your relationship, if you are not romancing your partner, your marriage is not secure.  The following are some tips to help you along the way:

  • Talk, Talk, Talk!  Maintaining open communication is your lifeline.  Communication is key to building a solid bond and allows you to discuss your feelings, concerns, hopes and desires.  You won’t know your spouse if you don’t communicate.
  • Show Your Interest.  If you don’t like sports, fake it till you make it!  If football season is crucial to your husband, do your best to show interest with him.  If you just cant stomach watching a whole game, buy him a couple tickets to enjoy with a friend!  If your wife loves the nail salon and you hate it, surprise her with a gift card from her local place.  These “little things” mean a lot. 
  • No Bickering.  Pick your battles.  Ask yourself, is this really worth it?  If it is something that really bothers you, then obviously you need to talk about it with your spouse.  However, if it is just something that you want to nit pick about, pick your battles because their could be a war over the horizon.
  • Appreciation.  Everyone needs to know that they matter.  Every human being desires to be appreciated.  Men and women alike.  Let your spouse know how much they mean to you.
  • Quality Time.  Take time to have quality, alone time with your partner.  Cut the lights out, light the candles after the kids have gone to bed, turn the music on and slow dance!  Take a long walk in the park and don’t discuss any problems, only focus on your spouse.  Institute a regular date night.  Once per week would be ideal but at least twice a month.  Get away for the weekend alone.  Renewing your energy with your spouse is key to keeping it alive and fresh.
  • Recreate Your First Date.  Remember that anxious feeling you had when you first met?  Get that feeling back again and go to the same place you were on your first date!  It works wonders.
  • Leave Eachother Love Notes.  Text messages are great for leaving quick notes, but a good old-fashioned handwritten note is even better.  Lay it on your wife’s pillowcase or in her car, she wont be able to wait to see you that night. 
  • Get Steamy in your Sex Life.  Need I say more?  Be creative, try new things.  Spice it up!  Use your imagination!
  • Say “I Love You” Often.  Those simple three words are like music to your spouses ears!  Say them often. 

TMF Readers, remember, its usually the smallest tokens of affection that lead to happiness in your marriage.  It doesn’t take any money to tune into you and your partners feelings and needs.  I know when my needs are not being met, I get irritable and cranky with myself and the people I love.  Our marital ships become unstable when we are not “tuning in, paying attention and nurturing” marriages.  Don’t let your ship sink!  Nurture your vessel.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Drama Free Date Night

March 28, 2011 By 4 Comments

It is no surprise that with all the stress of family life, we as couples don’t take enough time out to nuture our marriages and relationships.  In order to grow together as a couple, we have to be able to enjoy one another’s company and we cannot do that with all the distractions that come along with our day-to-day lives.  Of course, our children are important to us but our marriages have to be more important.  That seems odd to think about for most people, but as husbands and wives, we have to accept that in order to be any good to our children as a couple, our marriages and remarriages have to be the first priority.  These times we share alone together not only allow us to grow, but they allow us to rekindle the reason why we fell in love in the first place.

We cannot let the spark die in our (re)marriages.  There is more to it than just “going out” and having time alone.  It’s about sharing your love and creating understanding and feeling the true companionship between the two of you.  For example, remember when you couldn’t wait for a date night with your mate before you got married?  Well, unfortunatley, when we get married, at times we fall into the trap of thinking that all of that has to end because we have a ring on our finger and a piece of paper confirming our status.  Having anticipation for one another doesn’t have to be lost in married life.  If money is an issue, even on a limited budget, you can have a fabulous drama-free date night with your spouse.  The lesson here is that as (re)married couples, we need to continue to courting one another as we did in the beginning in order to seize our marriages and make them all the more fulfilling.

Here are a few ideas to help you along the way:

  1. No kids allowed!  No excuses.  Make an arrangement with a babysitter, and older sibling, a friend or a grandparent.
  2. Catch a  movie or a matinee together. 
  3. Go shopping together!  Your lady will love this one!
  4. Get away for a  night to a hotel just the two of you. 
  5. Set a dinner date night twice a month.  (This can be either at home — after the kids go to bed or out to a restaurant – which would be my preference.

If you are financially strained, here are a few fun options:

  1. Have a date night at home.  Try to arrange the kids to be elsewhere and order pizza and a movie and have at it!
  2. Go for a drive.  My husband and I do this all the time. This may not seem like a date, but being this is semi-free (with the exception of gas), you may be able to splurge for a cheap hotel room for a few hours!  Who says married couples can’t be a bit naughty from time to time.
  3. Begin a project together.  This is another great one that I love.  Say you have been talking about painting that room for a year.  Well, get rid of the kiddos for the evening, buy that gallon of paint and the two of you get at it.  It’s not just something you can make romantic, but it is also improving on something the two of you share, your home.
  4. Cook together.  Decide upon what your menu should be and cook together.  Nothing is more romantic to me than sharing the kitchen and having your husband nuzzle up to your neck while you are both “trying” to concentrate on the menu at hand.
  5. Read a book together, look at old photos, etc.  You can even watch your favorite television programs together or play a board game after the children go to sleep.
  6. Wash the car.  This is very romantic if you make it that way!  Fun fun!
  7. Take a long walk together as often as you can.
  8. Put the music on and dance, dance, dance! 
  9. Go to an old fashioned drive-in movie. 
  10. Plan out your goals together. 

Remember, having a drama free date night is your way of keeping your romance and marriage alive.  Don’t be afraid to show your passion for one another.  It doesn’t take a lot of money, just a commitment to one another.  This commitment is what your children see and learn from.  It is what teaches them what to expect from a healthy marriage.   Reach back to when you first began together, a whole lot of money wasn’t needed to have a fun, romantic and special time together.  As Keith Sweat so eloquently sang…”Make it Last Forever!”

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Listening is an Act of Love

March 22, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Every marriage and remarriage suffers and struggles to find and learn how to communicate effectively.  Most of us hear our spouses but the question that begs a true answer is this….”Do we truly listen to our spouse?”  Are we really, truly listening to them?  Honestly, every couple that I have ever met with struggles in this area.  We all do.  The reason behind this failure is because we are all a work in progress.  Our marriages and remarriages are constantly evolving and changing.  It’s hard to be on our toes at all times but did you know that listening to our spouses is really one of the most important acts of love?

Sharing what is in our hearts with our spouses is so important.  It’s extra easy to share all of our day-to-day frustrations and what is on the top of our minds, but truly sitting down and sharing what is important to us as spouses seems to be something that we don’t do enough as life partners.  For example, one of the biggest issues I see with couples I meet with is that when they are communicating, one partner might reject the “feelings” of their spouse instead of truly listening and hearing them out.  When this occurs, what your spouse takes from this is that you are basically rejecting them and judging them based on their “feelings.”  Feelings in communication are neither right or wrong.  What you do with your feelings is what creates those right or wrong situations.  There are many advantages to mastering the art of listening in your relationship.  Here are a few advantages:

  • You will achieve a deeper intimacy with your spouse;
  • You will learn the difference between thoughts and emotions and how to respectively deal with both;
  • You will learn to accept that feelings come and go and change quickly;
  • You will learn not to make decisions based on feelings;
  • You gain trust , acceptance, honesty and acceptance from your partner.

Finding the right words is also a very important tool to have in your communication toolbox.  Use words to describe your feelings so that you don’t leave your partner guessing what you are going through.  For example:

  • Abandoned, accepted, alive, aone, aloof, appreciative, attacked, bad, belittled, bitter, closed,  cheated, cheerful, concerned, contempt, controlled, deceived, defensive, doubtful….etc.

While giving you the right words to say, I would be remiss if I didn’t give you the words not to say.  Here are a few examples:

  • WHATEVER.  This is the worst word you can use to effectuate communication.  What you are saying to your spouse when you use the word “whatever” is that you don’t care at all what your spouse is saying.  Essentially, you are saying “you are not important enough to me for me to listen to you.”
  • I DON’T CARE.  This is self-explanatory and just plain rude.  And, if you truly feel this way, you shouldn’t be married or in a relationship where you are required to have communication.
  • DUMB.  Using the word “dumb” is awful.  Basically, you are negating everything your partner is saying by using such a degenerative word.

Talking about your feelings to your partner will improve your overall communication by leaps and bounds.  Marriage is not a guessing game.  Finding the right words and using as many of them as possible to paint a picture for your spouse allows them to see things more clearly and to understand with more clarity exactly how you are feeling.  Remember, the purpose of exploring your partners feelings is to help you to better understand him/her, not to change how they feel.  Accepting how they feel, agreeing to disagree instead of manipulating them to feel as you do only strengthens what you are building.  Listening to one another intently builds trust and longevity.  It is extremely important to remember that in good marriages, both partners continually negotiate and re-negotiate.  Truly listening helps you to accept your partner for who they are and helps you to identify when you need to get on the path of renegotiation.  It helps you to appreciate the person you fell in love with and is a true act of love.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Finding Value In Your Blended Family

March 19, 2011 By 5 Comments

 ”Our family hit some bumpy roads on this path of life.  It took us a while to get where we are today…I’m sure glad we all took the effort to walk together” Christy Borgeld, Founder of National Stepfamily Day

Bringing two families together with different values and of which are still dealing with feelings of loss is no walk in the park.  To many, the problems that come along with the blended/step family prove to be too much and unfortunately these such examples definitely do not have the makings for prime time television as did the Brady Bunch back in the 70′s. 

Currently, in the United States, the blended family has become some what of the norm.  As divorce rates continue to rise, blended families become more common.  In fact, blended families seem to be the way of the future.  Research has shown that it is estimated that soon there will be more children in stepfamily situations than living with both of their biological parents.

With that, in my opinion, finding value in your stepfamily is essential.  Albeit I know the task at hand can be one of the most challenging you might ever face, think about all of the factors that have to be weighed in the process.  As we all know, children do not ask for divorce or remarriage for that matter.  Usually, they are thrust into this situation, unbeknownst to them, and they just have to learn to live with it and deal with their extreme sense of loss.  I actually just had a long conversation with a very important person in my life, a woman who used to be my very own step-sister during my adolescent years, and she confided in me that one day, all of a sudden, they were just told that her and her two siblings were going on a road trip to a birthday party and they ended up thousands of miles away from their bio father and thrust into a live-in situation and eventual stepfamily.  I, being on the other end of that family, knew that my parents were getting divorced.  I cannot even imagine the feeling of that situation she was in.  With that being said, the losses that all members of the blended family face during these times can be a major contributing factor to the stresses that ensue afterward.  Mix in the ex-spouses and all the financial strain and you have a recipe for disaster.  Hence, anyone would have a hard time finding value in their respective blended families. 

However, being in a blended family has lots of rewards.  Being able to find the value in your blended family is very important.  Here are a few ways to get you started looking in the right direction:

  • Pay attention to the communication skills being used within your family.  Being able to resolve conflict as it arises is essential.  Do your best to have wholesome, genuine communication.  Only focusing on negative communication is counter productive.
  • Make sure you always put your marriage first.  Remember, at the end of the day, the kids will be grown and gone, it will be just you and your spouse.  
  • Build on your differences and use them to make your family stronger. Each individual in the family may be different but will also bring something special to your unit.
  • Remember, first families have an automatic bond, take time to connect with your stepchildren.
  • Recognize that your stepchildren will feel closer to their mom or dad at different times in their developmental years.  This can be stressful to the bio parent and you are going to feel the need to step in.  However, recognize that you can’t fix this for anyone.  This is something that has to work itself out. 

Lastly, it is not an easy feat to build value and to find value in your blended family. However, if you are willing to make sacrifices now to have a strong, happy blended family, you will reap great reward in the long run.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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The Blended Family Survival Guide – Part I

March 15, 2011 By 2 Comments

“Brandi Mitchell just gets it!” 

TMF Readers, I have had the honor and pleasure of reading Brandi Mitchell’s “The Blended Family Survival Guide” and to simply put it, not only was I impressed with her work but I was enamored with her uncanny ability to use her own personal experience as a stepping stone to help others who may be in the midst of their own blended family firestorm.  The Blended Family Survival Guide is not just a guide for all of us blended family members offering tips, tools, advice, legal research, etc., but packs a serious powerhouse punch to the issues all blended families face.  I encourage all of you readers to go directly to Brandi’s site www.theblendedfamilysurvivalguide.com to get  your copy of this amazing book!  I promise, you won’t be disappointed.  Below is a snippet of what you will get from this fabulous book! 

“When Prince Charming found me, glass slipper in hand, we vowed our love to each other for eternity, as he whisked me off to Blendedville to live happily ever after. What I didnt expect, on the way to my not-so-new castle, was that we would pick up two, little adorable travelers that would go on the journey with us! Oh, and by the way, did I mention that my carriage had to stop to pick up my little travelers at two different houses? Now, a young princess in my new blended world, I had no map or compass to guide me through the blended journey, nor had I realized the true effect my ready-made family would have on my own marriage and future children.”

Stay tuned readers for Part II of this post where I will be interviewing the fabulous Ms. Brandi Mitchell herself!  You will not want to miss this one!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Brady Bunch Syndrome

February 24, 2011 By Leave a Comment

As we repeat over and over on Today’s Modern Family, the statistics are stunning.  65% of all remarriages end in divorce.  The big question everyone always has for me is why?  People think that just because they were married before, they will be able to apply themselves better the second time around.  The same mistakes won’t be made, they have all their old problems and issues worked out and they will make it work this time.  However, the dynamics of a remarriage are totally different than those of a first marriage.  Factor in you are blending in adults and children from totally different backgrounds, rules, ways of life, etc., and you can have a disaster on your hands before you know it.  I know that this might sound like I am being rather negative.  Quite the contrary.  There are several positive aspects to remarriage, too many to count actually, but at the same time, people who jump right into remarriage after divorce or death per say have this unrealistic idea that their new-found family will run just as smoothly as Carol and Mike Brady ran theirs, except they are forgetting one main component.  Carol and Mike Brady were made up characters that had all of the answers ahead of time because they read from a script!  Unfortunatley for those of us living our daily lives in real blended families,  life isn’t as easy as tuning into old episodes of the Brady Bunch.  Moreover, the Brady Bunch not only steered families into unrealistic expectations of real stepfamily life, it did a disservice to all of us.

In Mala Burt’s 8 Step Progeram for Successful Family Living she notes the following common myths that plague stepfamilies:

1.  Love Occurs Instantly Between the Child and Stepparent

An expectation exists that because you love your partner, you will naturally love his or her children and they will instantly love you. This expectation often sets up a family for failure as partners then question what is wrong with them. The answer is nothing is wrong with you. Relationships take time and there are many positive steps you can take to develop it.

2.  Stepmothers Are Wicked

Many fairy tales tell us so. This negative concept may make stepmothers very self-conscious about their step parenting. It can cause confusion about our roles. Stepfamily research tells us that stepmothers have the most difficult role in the stepfamily.

3.  Children Adjust to Divorce and Remarriage More Easily If Biological Fathers or Mothers Withdraw

Children will always have two biological parents and will have an easier adjustment if they have access to both. They need to see them and think well of them. This is important for their emotional health; except in those instances of parental abuse or neglect.

Peace & Blessings.
Diane

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No One Can Grow In The Shade!

February 19, 2011 By 4 Comments

“YOU HAVE GOT TO DISCOVER YOU, WHAT YOU DO, AND TRUST IT!”    BARBARA STREISAND

With divorce comes a vast variety of emotions.  Unbeknownst to many of us, our lives have been shaken to it’s core and we are totally unprepared for the challenges that come along with the big  bad enemy we call  D-I-V-O-R-C-E!  To be quite honest, it sucks!  However, as we all know, after every rain shower, there is a rainbow.  The same holds true for life after divorce.  Problem is, we tend to hide from life after divorce.  We tend to decide that we can no longer shine.  We tend to accept what our temporary emotions are telling us and instead of making lemonade out of lemons, we stay stuck.  

TMF Readers, can we talk?  Albeit, divorce and remarriage both have many pitfalls.  If you go to any library in your community you will find many books on the subject.  However, no one book can prepare you for the injury you feel when divorce happens.  With that, today, I want to give you a few tips on learning how to nurture your emotional and personal growth after divorce.  As the title of this post reads, No One Can Grow In the Shade!  What do I mean by this you might ask?  Well, it’s simple.  Staying stuck holds you down.  It keeps you in the dark and forces you to keep assigning blame to yourself instead of truly evaluating the whole big picture.  It keeps you from accepting what has happened and it keeps you from moving on.  It keeps you from discovering the new person that you are and what personal gifts you have been blessed with.

Here are some tips for you to use in your journey:

  • Reflect — but do not dwell.  During my divorce, I kept a journal.  Write down your feelings and leave them there.  Capture what you think went wrong and learn from it.  Using a journal to express yourself keeps you from making the huge mistake of being over-emotional around your children, etc.   It is a form of release. 
  • Rebuild. Divorce can literally suck the life out of you — IF YOU ALLOW IT TO.  Find things you enjoy (i.e., hobbies, personal time, vacations, etc.) and focus on yourself.  In order to rebuild your life, you have to have inner strength and a main component of inner strength is taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally.  Find what you like to do and DO IT!  Take time for the pleasures in life that give you peace. 
  • Eliminate and reduce stress/anxiety.  This may be hard to swallow, but you are divorced.  Yes, it’s over but your life is not.  Worrying about what could have been or what should have been done or what you could have done differently isn’t going to change the fact that you are divorced.  Take time to meditate on you.  Get a massage, hit the gym, find a space in your house that is all yours and relax.  Reduce your stress by writing down your feelings and then decide to move on.   Part of your learning process means you don’t have to make the same mistakes again — that in itself will lessen your anxiety.
  • Fight your fears.  After divorce, people are so afraid to be alone that they, at times, jump from the frying pan to the fryer.  Patience is key.  Being alone doesn’t have to be the big ”fear” everyone makes it out to be.  It is important to have time to redefine yourself.  It is important to have time to rediscover what it is about you that makes you happy.  It is important to reflect on how you can grow from this situation.  You cannot do all of these very important things while at the same time jumping into a new relationship.  It doesn’t and won’t work.  Being alone and giving yourself your own undivided attention will build your self-esteem and self-worth.

TMF Readers, you cannot grow in the shade!  In order to be truly happy, we have to be able to acknowledge and find that WE, as individuals, can fulfill our own needs.  Hence, we can move on with our lives and become a better partner in our future relationships.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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