One of the main questions I get when I am meeting with clients that are having marital problems due to the stresses and strains of the stepfamily life and remarriage itself, is how can I keep my spouse from withdrawing from me? Unfortunately, there have been times when I have met with clients that allowed the stresses and strains to consume their remarriage to the point that they are emotionally disengaged with one another. They both were purposely becoming more preoccupied with themselves and ignoring their marriages, spending less time together and definitely not interested in intimacy, with their spouses that is. I have even had clients that have fallen into the trap of having emotional affairs with other people outside of their marriages. Spouses guilty of this type of betrayal justify same by focusing on the fact that “no sexual contact” had been made and that the other person is only a “platonic friend,” but what they don’t realize is that actually, emotional affairs , 99% of the time lead to physical affairs. This is dangerous territory for any marriage to say the least, but when there is already the dynamics of step involved, this territory becomes even more dangerous.
Let’s talk about how couples become emotionally disengaged with one another. Here are a few examples:
- Communication is limited.
- One or both spouses are too lenient on issues pertaining to boundaries, standards and expectations in the household.
- Quality time between spouses is limited.
- Matters of discipline regarding stepchildren cannot be agreed upon.
- Expectations are unrealistic.
- Stepchildren are non-accepting of stepmom or stepdad and causing issues.The marriage doesn’t feel like a partnership but rather one or both partners’ feels like a criminal or scapegoat in their own home.
When all or some of these factors are present in an already stressful situation, it is my opinion that as human beings we become more vulnerable to making mistakes and to falling into the trap of relying on someone else outside of our marriage to provide emotional support. That emotional support may seem harmless at first because one might be thinking that they just need to “get stress off their chest” so they lean on someone of the opposite sex to get their “viewpoint” or something of the like. As time passes, they come to find out that they are not just reaching for another point of view, but rather they are beginning to invest more of their emotions than they expected in this person. Those emotions eventually turn into companionship and an emotional affair/betrayal has been formed. Unfortunately, your “guilt-free” feelings become damaging to your marriage.
Protecting your marriage is the number one thing we preach here at Today’s Modern Family. If your marriage isn’t healthy, your family will not be healthy. If you marriage isn’t strong, your co-parenting skills will be weak at best. If your remarriage isn’t bonded and you and your spouse are not on one accord, your family foundation will crumble. Here are some tips to avoid the pitfalls of emotional betrayal.
- Work together to have a marriage based on trust, friendship and love.
- Spend quality and quantity time together. Take time out for your marriage. It takes sacrifice to make any remarriage work but acknowledging that parenting is only one part of your life together. Take time for each other. This is one area you do not want to sacrifice.
- Support one another’s goals and dreams. Get involved and show that you care. Nothing is more uplifting than to know that your partner shares your dreams and supports your quest for same. Keep in mind that support is a two-way street. Don’t just depend on your spouse to step up and understand everything right way. Invite his/her participation as well. Share your vision.
- Don’t sweep existing issues under the rug or pretend there isn’t things you need to work on. Talk, talk, talk! Communication is key to understanding and to being heard.
- Touch one another frequently. Small hugs, love pats and romantic kisses throughout the day leads to bond building.
- Combine your strengths. In every remarriage and in every nuclear marriage, where one might be weak, the other might be strong. Complement one another. Help one another.
- Compromise, compromise, compromise. This is one of the main components I stress in all of my coaching sessions. Without compromise, you will not effectively be able to coparent nor will your remarriage stand the test of time. Compromise is one of the tools in your remarriage toolbox that you cannot go without.
- Fidelity in your marriage is crucial. When you took your vows, you promised to forsake all others in order to protect your union. Don’t lean on others outside of your marriage for things that you should be getting from your spouse. If you are feeling uneasy in this area, communicate your feelings to your spouse and seek professional coaching.
TMF Readers, don’t be one of those couples that I end up meeting with that have a list of “things” they wish they had talked about or compromised on. Put your marriage first and foremost on your “to do” list if you feel like there are issues arising. As your relationship grows, it is important to always put in the work it needs so that your love becomes not just a simple “want.” It goes deeper than that. Your love your relationship becomes a “need” and a “longing.” With that bond and commitment, there is absolutely no room for emotional betrayals and no room for division.
Peace & Blessings,
Diane
Many of you know that Diane and I also own and operate a counseling practice that caters only to people experiencing stepfamily issues. When we do sit down with couples, we immediately realize the source of the problem, and often times, it’s with the remarried couple. The wife doesn’t feel appreciated, respected and/or supported by her husband. The husband feels as if the wife just nags all the time for no reason and doesn’t understand why she just won’t concede because his children are important to him. Both just assume that the other doesn’t or won’t understand. Neither take the time to actually convey how they feel, until they sit down with one of us.
Almost every time a couple comes to us for stepfamily counseling one or both parties have their bags packed and are ready to head for the hills. Often times, they’ve tried to make it work either by just sticking it out, duking it out or visiting a traditional therapist. When they get to us they are frustrated because they think they’ve exhausted all their options and feel as if nothing else will work. But Diane and I try to assure them that if they are giving us a call or sending an email to inquire about counseling and both parties are willing to come to us, then all is definitely not lost. It means that although one or both of them may THINK it won’t work doesn’t mean that they don’t want it to. We know that if we get them when both parties are willing to go through with counseling by actually applying the advice that we give, we can get them back on the right track, and have a 100% success rate with doing so.
Another reason counseling doesn’t work is because couples may get the advice but when they leave the session, they refuse to apply it to their lives. What they don’t realize is that the advice alone will not work. Yes, you are better informed when you leave but the point is to apply that advice so that you are both informed and taking steps to heal your marriage and family. It doesn’t work if you only take half of the medicine. For example, when a doctor prescribes an antibiotic, he tells you to take the medicine until it’s gone or your illness will return. Counseling is no different. If you only go to one or two sessions and then go home and refuse to take the medicine, your problems will continue.
Have you ever had a friend or co-worker who constantly refers to his/her marriage in a negative manner? I have such a co-worker. Every day there is a new complaint: he’s gained too much weight; he doesn’t satisfy her anymore; he never finishes a home project; he snores too loudly; he doesn’t support her visions….the list goes on and on. Well, this behavior got me to thinking about the difference between reflecting positive projections in our marriages versus the negative and how destructive reflecting such negative projections can be to our relationships and our view of our spouses.
The above-mentioned may work for those couples who aren’t yet married, but what about the couples who are already remarried? Those couples need to be educated on divorce prevention as 2 out of every 3 remarriages end in divorce. Additionally, all couples interested in remarriage in which there are children involved, should be required to take blended family courses prior to remarrying AND they should be assigned a blended family counselor or coach to be available to them for encouragement and support.
Imagine a world where both moms AND stepmoms unapologetically loved themselves on purpose! Self-love is not selfish. It is in fact quite the opposite because you cannot be good to anyone else if you're running on empty. Remember to love yourself on purpose!
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