Blended Family Co-Parenting Tips

1. Sit down with your husband to discuss a list of house rules and consequences. Make sure you agree that the rules will apply to all children involved, whether they’re biological or step children.

2. Sit down with the children to make sure they understand these rules as well as the consequences.

3. Don’t try to get the ex-wife to agree with you. She should not be involved in determining the rules of your household.

4. Make sure you let your husband know how important it is that you have his support. If you agree on a set of house rules and consequences you BOTH need to present a unified front and follow through. If not, you are going to continually look like the bad guy.

5. Don’t take a backseat and allow your stepchildren to run your household by referring all matters to your husband. You are an adult and shouldn’t have to wait until your husband gets home to enforce consequences.

6. Realize that you cannot please everyone in the family so don’t ever try to take on that responsibility!

Man in the Middle

My husband has often conveyed to me that for the first three years of our relationship he felt like he was in the middle of a Tyson and Holyfield fight. In one corner was me, his second wife, and in the other was his ex-wife. He worked hard to strike a peaceful balance between us, but unfortunately his tactics did more harm than good. Those tactics included working overtime to reassure his son that he’d always be there for him. He also worked, seemingly even harder, to reassure his ex-wife that he’d always be there for their son. I think he felt if they were reassured, then they’d be more willing to accept me. But, in the midst of all this reassuring, he forgot to reassure me that he’d always be there for me. More importantly, he took for granted that I would always be there, no matter what.

As I stated in my Second Wives article, men are often caught in the middle for three reasons; let’s go over them in detail below.

1. Guilt

Remember that he loves his child and a good father will usually struggle with what he thinks he should be doing to make him/her happy and you happy simultaneously. For the record fellas, I completely understand your plight. However, you must understand that you need to do two things when it comes to making your child happy and healthy. I call it the two “R’s.” You must always be realistic and remain a parent. The worst thing you can do is overcompensate due to the divorce. If you didn’t give into your child’s every whim when you were married to his/her mother, don’t start now. Remember, children of divorced parents are seasoned veterans at dividing and conquering. It is imperative that you demand the same positive behavior as before the divorce. Offering limited control over the child out of guilt of hurting them already can have detrimental effects on their behavior.

To break it down even further, let me give you a couple of examples. It is a Christmas tradition for you, your child, and your ex-wife to spend Christmas Eve exchanging gifts. Or, you ex-wife and child are out having dinner and your ex-wife calls to ask you to join them, supposedly at the child’s request. Your response to both or any other similar request that involves you spending time together as a family, should be NO because you are no longer a family. Yes you will always be his father and mother, but you are no longer a famil,y and continuing family traditions is giving that child a false sense of hope. Furthermore, it makes it more difficult for him/her to accept someone new once you both remarry. The moment you divorce you must teach the child that while mom and dad love you just the same as we did before, you are going to have two separate families now. Reassure the child that you will both be there for him/her, but just not in the way you were before. Create new family traditions to reinforce this new way of thinking. Don’t continue with the old ones. If you do, when you do remarry, and the current wife has a problem with you continuing these traditions with your ex-wife (this is inevitable), then you have to change and when you do, you’ve just taught the child that things changed when she came along. This is why children feel as if it is the evil stepmother that changes everything in their lives.

Having said that, try to keep certain things the same so not turn the child’s world completely around. If it’s possible to keep the child in the same school and home as well as continue any extra curricular activities, it’s in the best interest of the child to do so. Both parents should also encourage relationships with the child’s extended family on either side, but not participate in, nor facilitate these relationships, unless they are your parents.

1. You don’t have to keep the ex-wife happy

Most men are naïve and think it is their responsibility to keep the ex-wife happy in order to keep their child happy and therefore, remain in the child’s life. This is the second reason men feel as if they are caught in the middle. I have three words for you gentlemen, “forsaken all others.” Do you remember those words? This is what you vowed to do once you married your second wife. That vow includes ex-wives and even children. Your only obligation is to remain an active parent in your child’s life. You are no longer obligated to your ex-wife, no matter how she tries to convince you otherwise. A man who pays attention to his second wife is not treating his first wife and mother of his child like crap. He is divorced from his first wife, and as long as he fulfils the obligations of the divorce decree, he is not morally obligated to come to his ex-wife’s rescue whenever she calls. His only obligation is to treat his former spouse with civility.

You cannot parent your child effectively if both of the child’s homes are in turmoil. Furthermore, you cannot be the one to make sure that both homes are in order. At this point, your ex-wife is responsible for her own happiness, and if she’s too distressed or bitter to raise the child, then you need to legally request that she send him over to you. What you don’t need to do is keep her happy to remain in the child’s life. If she is making it difficult for you to remain in the child’s life because of her own issues, consult a family law attorney or mediator immediately to resolve the issue.

There should never be a battle between your current and your ex-wife because you current wife is always number one. Traditional therapists and/or psychologists will probably chop my head off for saying this, but it’s true. And, if their theory worked (always reassure the child that they are number one in your life), then we wouldn’t have as many problems with ex-wives, ex-lives and “evil stepmothers” as we do now. If you take care of your marriage first, then you will be better parents. If you are better parents, then you have a happy healthy child, no matter where your parents live. The truth of the matter is the child will not always be number one in your life, and if you are teaching your child this, you are doing more harm than good. Once you remarry and/or have other children, that number one status has to be shared with the other special people in your life. Teaching your child any differently is conveying three things:

1. The world revolves around him/her no matter what.

2. Anyone who gets in the way will ruin it for them.

3. Change is bad.

This will make the child more reluctant to accept anyone else. As I stated earlier, reassure the child that you will always be dad; you will always be there for him/her; and that he/she will always be special to you. However, you must both prepare and encourage him/her (even if you aren’t remarried yet) to make room for someone else. This will convey to the child that although things have changed, change is good as long as you are willing to embrace it.

1. I don’t know what’s going on

The final reason most men are caught in the middle is because they will claim they haven’t a clue as to what is going on. For the record, I don’t buy this excuse at all. Get backbones men and take control of your family. Your vows with your second wife should be no different than the vows with your first. If you knew what to do then, then you should know what to do now. All your second wife wants is for you to respect your marriage. Below are some tips to help keep your marriage and your child healthy and happy.

1. Any decision involving your family should be made with your current wife. If that decision will affect your child, then you should inform your ex-wife, but not the other way around.
2. Don’t base all of your decisions around the child if he isn’t primarily in your home. For example, if you have children with your second wife or your second wife has children, don’t go to a movie or enjoy other activities with them only during visitation with your child. This sends the message that life only goes on when you’re together, and that’s the wrong message.
3. Always, always, always communicate honestly with your child. Never tell the child what he/she wants to hear. Tell your child the truth so that there are no surprises in the end.
4. Treat your second wife like a wife. Just because you married her second doesn’t mean she should have to come second to your ex-wife and your baggage.
5. Always be sensitive to your current wife’s feelings.
6. Always be sensitive to your child’s feelings, and open to communicate about them whenever necessary.
7. Don’t alienate your current wife from issues with your child. It takes a whole village to raise a child. Make your current wife a part of that village.
8. Demand the same positive behavior from your child just as you did prior to the divorce.
9. Remain a parent and never reverse the roles out of guilt.
10. Set boundaries when it comes to your ex-wife. She should never be allowed to wreak havoc on your family just because she’s bitter and unhappy.

So gentlemen, it is unfortunate that you are the “man in the middle” but please know that you put yourself there. There should be no middle, just you on one end and your current wife on the other. Your second marriage should be no different than your first. You took vows before God to honor, love, respect and protect your marriage. As long as you do that everything else will more easily follow.

Second Wives

For all of my second wives (SW’s), I know it seems like a never-ending uphill battle. You feel misunderstood, disrespected and taken for granted, often times battling your husband’s ex-wife, his children and your husband all at the same time.

Being a second wife is like being bipolar. One moment you can be happier than you ever imagined and in the next sadder and heartbroken than you’ve ever been. Before you make the decision to go on this rollercoaster ride, you must be prepared. Mental preparation is crucial if you want your marriage to survive.

During the happy moments it seems as if you and your husband are really going to make it and love truly does conquer all. These are the moments when it’s not his weekend to have his child. Because as soon as this weekend comes you know you’re going to have to deal with the wicked ex. However, let’s not be so quick to blame the ex-wife because your husband, more than likely, is “stuck on stupid.” His indecisive, passive behavior contributes to your heartache. An ex-wife can only be as destructive as your husband allows her to be. If he can’t learn to put his foot down, then she has no boundaries and anything goes.

Now let’s examine why your husband can’t seem to open his mouth when it comes to his ex-wife, but can’t seem to keep it closed when it comes to you.

1). Guilt. Remember that he loves his children and a good man will usually struggle with what he thinks he should be doing to make them happy and you happy simultaneously.

2) Most good men are naïve and think that it’s their responsibility to keep the ex-wife happy in order to keep their children happy.

3). Most naïve men also think they need to keep the ex-wife happy to remain in their children’s lives.

4) Some men will claim that they have no clue what’s going on so they don’t know what to do (for the record, I don’t believe this at all).

As a result, you get total pandemonium until you convince your husband that there is a problem. Therefore, his ex-wife will continue to manipulate him until he wakes up. All of her actions, no matter how unreasonable or irrational, will have one excuse…”it’s for the kids.” Whether it’s more money, help moving or a parenting request, it’s all supposedly for the kids. And let us not forget the kids who contribute to her behavior by playing both sides against the middle. Blended children are seasoned veterans at dividing and conquering…expect it. Please don’t forget that the little angels are capable of such thinking.

As I stated above, don’t be so quick to blame the ex-wife for her behavior without first trying to understand it. Then look within to see what you’re doing to contribute to the demise of your family. Frustration sometimes provokes SW’s to become totally oppositional on every issue. Meaning, anything that she says you’re not going to agree with simply because it comes out of her mouth. This is wrong, no matter how she’s behaving. Try to listen to the message without paying attention to the messenger. I know it’s difficult, but remember, you don’t want to create unhappy, unhealthy children just because she is. Next, try to understand where your husband is coming from as well. He’s not purposely trying to hurt you, but at this point, his bond with his children is stronger than his bond with you. He is torn between doing what he thinks is best for them and being happy. Instead of arguing with him about how he’s treating you, really try to help him understand his feelings, and why his actions are unhealthy for all parties involved. Finally, don’t take it personal. Remember there was a time when you may have felt like his ex-wife is feeling and acted irrationally. Take the first step and instead of just reaching out to choke her, just reach out and attempt to create peace.

Ladies, we don’t have to hate each other. Society conveys this message of hate through the media, but it’s a stigma that we need to get rid of. I’m not saying that you have to go on family vacations together or be best friends, but it is possible to peacefully and pleasantly coexist. This doesn’t mean that you are going to agree on everything because you’re not, but you must remember to respect each other’s opinions. Grow up, stop being so self-absorbed and remember that you are raising children together. Your children feed off of you and even when you think your actions aren’t affecting them, they are. The world as they know it has changed and they are scared and confused enough as it is. If you eliminate the tension, then imagine how much you can ease it for your children.

Wives Wars

Ex-Wives

Let’s face it, in today’s day and age, there are more baby’s mamas and baby’s daddies than there are just plan old moms and dads. As a matter of fact, in the 21^st Century, the blended family has become the most common family, the “normal” family. Many children live with a biological and a step-parent. Although, this family is increasingly common, many are still struggling to make it work. The question is why? If you ask most family counselors and psychologist, they will tell you it’s because the stepfamily will not and cannot function as a natural family; establish clear job descriptions; go slow; it takes time, blah, blah, blah.

For the past 7 years I have been an ex (I have a child with someone who is currently remarried) and a current wife (I am married to someone who has a child with someone else) and my experience totally challenges the traditional advice that you may have heard regarding the blended family. While there may be some truth to this traditional way of thinking, there is a deeper force that ultimately contributes to the success or the breakdown of the blended family…the wives. Their pride, egos and territorial mentality create an unhealthy environment for the entire blended family. If we can get the wives to behave like parents and adults (usually the men will follow suit), then we’re more than half way there.

First of all, let’s remember that when two people have been together for a number of years and share a child, there is an automatic history and with this history comes feelings. These feelings may be both positive and negative or just plain confusion. Even though he or she may know that it’s over (in some cases, has been over for a while), it may still hurt to initially see that person with someone else. This hurt can stem from at least three things: 1). You may still have more love for than you thought for that individual. 2). Closure, sometimes the end of a relationship is not a reality until you see your ex with someone else. 3). Change, it’s easier when neither of you have significant others, but as soon as they enter the picture, things change. As a result, many ex-wives react to their inability to sort out their own internal conflict and take it out on the current wife. For example, your fear of change may provoke you to become territorial. It’s that “I had him first and we did it this way before you came along” childlike mentality.

The first thing the ex-wife needs to realize is something that is very logical and that is, you must deal with your feelings regarding your past in a way that doesn’t affect those around you, especially your children. Second, you must realize that the change didn’t occur when your ex-husband remarried, the change occurred when you decided to get a divorce…QUIT BLAMING THE CURRENT WIFE. Things were changing before she came along! I am so sick and tired of the current wife being used as a scapegoat for the ex-wife’s issues. You cannot expect to operate as if you never divorced just because there are children involved and especially when he remarries, so stop diluting yourself. Change and compromise is necessary in the blended family. It isn’t fair for you to expect the current wife to embrace your way of thinking and doing things. Remember that she might have children as well and/or her own way of thinking. Just because she has chosen to marry a man with children and fully accepts his children and all the mayhem that comes with it, doesn’t mean that she didn’t have a mind of her own before deciding to do so. Therefore, ex-wives, you need to stop assuming, start trying to understand and respect where the current wife if coming from. If she is uncomfortable with your prior routine, please know that your ex-husband’s loyalty does not lay with you because you share a child. His only responsibility and loyalty is to his current wife and his children. So, he has to find a solution to work for them, not you.

Be honest with yourself and stop shouting “my only concern is my kids” if you really don’t mean it. You can’t really believe that your children benefit from creating tension and being difficult. Ask yourself this question; how are my actions affecting my children? If they are negatively affecting them and you continue with that behavior, you can’t possibly believe that you are acting in their best interest. Remember, they are already scared and confused enough as it is, and only a bad parent intentionally adds to that confusion.

Finally, ex-wives, it’s time to look within and stop posting blame on everyone but you. I know that the blended family is hard for everyone involved, not just you and your children. Instead of being part of the problem, start being part of the solution.

Certifiable!

I am married to an absolutely wonderful man who I have known since high school. We reconnected about 7 years ago and have been together ever since.  He will claim that he wasn’t trying to get with me the day we reconnected at Original Pancake House, but I know different.  He said that he was just interested in a friendship because our sons were the same age…umm humm, okay, whatever…LOL!

As I continue, keep in mind that I love my husband! I truly believe that he is a gift that was made for me. Having said that, if I knew then what I know now, I think I would have elected to not accept the gift! Let me explain.  I didn’t know at the time that his ex-wife and mother of his child was/is completely crazy…certifiable! From the moment she found out that my husband had a girlfriend she had a problem, and tried to mark her territory. She did things like call him in the middle of the night (11:30) to ask a question about history. On another late night (11:00) she had her best friend call to ask my husband which jump rope he would recommend for working out. Now, my husband is neither a history professor nor a personal trainer, and I am sure there were plenty of other people that they could’ve called. On another occasion she called to ask my husband to help her best friend move. Keep in mind that she has and has had a boyfriend ever since I’ve been in the picture. Why wouldn’t she call him for these things instead of her ex-husband? In the beginning, she never called for anything pertaining to the child…go figure.

At any rate, as the years have gone by things have gotten progressively worse. She eventually started using the “you can’t see your child” method when her other tactics failed. This brings me to my tips on how to confirm whether or not the baby mama in your life is crazy.

1. She’ll first use the we’re still friends method. This means that she’ll call him for stupid stuff like late night history questions.
2. She’ll then use the damsel in distress method. It’s the I’m the mother of your child, and I need you even though her needs have absolutely nothing to do with the child.
3. Next, when she’s exhausted the other options, she’ll use the infamous you can’t see your child method.
4. When that doesn’t work, she’ll use the “I want you to be in your child’s life, but just not around her…” method. All of a sudden, the one who cares for your child when he’s in our home is not fit to do so. Like I said, certifiable, bipolar even.

Those are all signs of irrational behavior, and if you catch them in the beginning, you need to re-evaluate whether or not you can deal with that type of blended family. Trust me, when the ex-wife/baby mama is crazy it doesn’t get better, only worse! Even if your marriage is completely solid, it will still create stress within your household. I know it did and often does in mine, and I’m still in love with my husband after 7 years. But, you have to keep in mind that if your man is a good father, he will obviously be affected if the ex is keeping his child away from him, and for senseless reasons. That, in and of itself, will create a certain amount of stress in your household. Not only that, but when you are arguing with someone all of the damn time, that creates stress as well. Having said that, it is possible to maintain a healthy marriage despite the crazy ex’s attempts to wreak havoc on it.

I could go on about my husband’s crazy ex-wife, but I’l save it for another entry. Until then, remember that love, trust, loyalty and communication are the most important ingredients in any marriage, but especially within the blended family. As long as you know that the vows that you took/take with your second marriage should be no different than the first, your marriage has a chance at survival.

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