The Art of Compromise

June 26, 2012 By

Is your spouse the kind of person that loves to hear him/herself talk?  Does it always seem like the end to an argument proves to be at your expense because there is never compromise?  I am of the opinion that compromise is the single most important tool that all couples should have in their remarriage toolbox.

Partners in remarriage often struggle in the area of compromise because they are under the false impression going into same that “first comes love – then comes remarriage – then comes happily ever after,” hence they forget that you are not just blending your families, you are merging your values.  It is very hard to merge values without compromise. Think about it, when you blend families, unfair burdens are placed on stepparents and stepkids from the very beginning.  Everyone is expected to get along, birthparents assume you are going to love your stepkids and that your stepkids are going to love you and there you have the first of many misunderstandings wherein you will need to be able to apply your abilities to compromise.

The first step to positive compromise is healthy communication.  Life partners often forget when going through tough times that communication begins and ends with “both” the sender and the receiver.  Just as it takes two to tango in an argument, it takes two to compromise, hear one another and fix it.  When we are not applying compromise to our positions during conversational communication, the receiver never truly understands the message you are trying to send.  Kela and I have said over and over and it is worth repeating now, every human being desires to be heard.  They want to know that their opinion matters.  Emphatic listening to your spouse will take you far in being able to effectively compromise.  Keeping an open mind and being open to hearing their side of the conflict matters greatly.  It is selfish to shut out your spouses thoughts and feelings just because you want to only get your point across.  It never works.

It’s no secret, couples who compromise thrive.  The essence of marriage is the ability to achieve an unbreakable bond and closeness that cannot compare to anything else.  If you desire this type of unbreakable bond, compromise is not just needed, it is essential.  Here are a few tips to get you started:

  • Appreciate that both you and your spouse have been raised differently.  You are not going to always find that you agree on the same things (i.e., parenting styles, finance situations, emotional needs, etc.)
  • Respect each other’s views and opinions.
  • Kick “pride” to the curb!  Marriage is not a contest and compromise should not be looked upon as weakness.  It is actually one of the strongest tools you have in your (re)marriage toolbox.
  • Give and take.  Marriage is not unilateral and does not thrive with only one person doing all of the taking and the other doing all of the giving.  You have to always have your spouses best interests in mind and at heart.
  • Take a keen interest in your spouses feelings.  This will help you when  you have to apply compromise.  Know their values so you can effectively merge yours into his/hers.
  • Be aware and work hard to come to mutual understandings.  By doing this, you are teaching each other to be conscious of what your relationship means to one another.
  • Pay attention to your language and your tone.  I cannot stress enough the importance of “hearing yourself.”  How we say things really matters.  It is tough when you are going through stress to be mindful of this but it really does matter.  Remember, your message never gets across if your approach stinks.
  • Always examine the pros and the cons of the situation before approaching your spouse.  This way, you are not heading into your communication with just negative cards in your pocket.

I will leave you with this one final thought.  In the beginning of every relationship, each person always puts their best foot forward.  Your passionate stage is in full effect and we are always on our best behavior.  We want these feelings to last forever and will do whatever it takes.  A lot of times, after marriage, we tend to forget that the timbers in our fires need to continually be tended to in order to keep the fire burning.  Learning the art of compromise allows this closeness to continue and allows both you and your partner to meet one another’s needs together as a couple.  At the end of the day, it will always return to you balance and joy if you apply it effectively.  Care about your spouses heart and always attempt to apply compromise when faced with tough situations.  It will be well worth your effort.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Must Have Tool for a Peaceful Mind: Forgiveness!

June 5, 2012 By

“The greatest gift given to us by God is that of forgiveness.”

I don’t know about you readers, but to me, it seems as though many of our mindsets have gotten away from forgiveness.  Whether that forgiveness be in our relationships, our family units or our friendships, we have lost sight of simply trying to make things better for one another.  We don’t own up to keeping our friendships intact anymore.  Think about it.  We live in a world now where most of our interaction with our friends, family and sometimes our significant others is through social networks, text messages and cell phones.  Long gone are the days of making time for one another.  Long gone are the days of popping up to check in on our friends like we used to.  It has become the “norm” to check in using our Facebook status updates.

I have talked to many people who have found themselves in situations where they can’t seem to find it in their hearts to forgive someone who has hurt them in one way or another.  Albeit, I am a firm believer that if there is someone in your life that doesn’t make you a better person, or you are always on the giving end of your relationship and never receiving anything in return, sometimes it is just best to let that person go in order for you to move on to a healthier life.  However, there are those instances in our lives where we have found ourselves battling with someone for one reason or another (most of the time petty reasons) and we end up walking away from that particular relationship and becoming bitter toward that particular person.  We refuse to allow ourselves to see the differences for what they are and we see an apology on our part as a sign of weakness so we refuse to take that step forward toward forgiveness and healing.  We simply decide that it is easier to turn away from the friendship or relationship and deem it unfixable. We allow our stubbornness and our pride to play a role in taking away the “freedom” that forgiving provides to us.  As I have said in other posts, forgiveness is for you.  It is truly the link to freedom from the pain that keeps you stuck.

Its simple TMF readers, being able to apply forgiveness comes down to one simple word.  Interaction.  You might be asking “why would interaction be so important?”  The answer is easy.  Forgiveness comes down to interaction because 9 times out of 10, the person you are holding a grudge against isn’t the same person he/she used to be.  Without opening yourself to interaction with that person, you won’t know.  You can’t assume that they still feel the way they do.  You can’t go on not forgiving and acknowledging that both of you made mistakes and that you both need to be able to pass that forgiveness on to one another in order to free yourself from that pain that the past holds.

Below are some tips on getting to forgiveness and moving on:

  • Accept and let go of the past.  The past is not going to change.  Accept it.  As human beings, we are naturally geared toward accepting the negative over the positive.  Accept the pain that has been caused and let it go.  We cannot move forward while walking backward.  Process your emotions and get to the positive solutions.
  • Look for the lesson.  Every situation we experience is an opportunity for us to learn a lesson.  It allows us to see how far we have come in our healing and gives us the opportunity for further growth in our situations.
  • Decide.  Like in any relationship, you have to make a choice as to whether or not you are going to move forward or let it go.  Make sure your mind is clear when making these choices.  Make sure you have gone over your thoughts and emotions with a fine tooth comb and then make your choice.  There is no room for hasty decisions.
  • Apologize.  Own your part of the breakdown.  Your part may not be significant in your eyes, but remember that we all see ourselves through rose colored glasses.  It is very hard to self-analyze without coming out on top.  Apologizing is good for the soul.  It is biologically important.  It heals.

If this post doesn’t give you anything at all, I want you to know this….forgiveness is only a conversation away.  Go and get that interaction!  Just as removing toxic people out of your life is healthy, forgiving people for past hurts is healthy.  Remember, you don’t have to subject or open yourself up to more pain by forgiving someone for hurting you, you just allow yourself to move forward.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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“MOMPRENEURS” BALANCE IS KEY!

March 25, 2012 By

As a mother, stepmother, wife and businesswoman, I often get the question “how do you wear so many different hats and not go crazy?”  Drumroll please……BALANCE.

Whether you are an out or in home working mother, it is very important to understand and incorporate balance in your daily routine.  For all you women out there juggling your career, your mommy/stepmom-world, your household and your (re)marrige, this article is for you.  I like to call us “mompreneurs.”

Living, working and being a woman in the 21st century, I wanted to do some research on the subject of women in the workforce and the “superwoman syndrome” as I like to call it.  During the 1950′s and early 60′s, no more than 20 to 30% of mothers were employed outside the home.  Most of the women who worked at that time pretty much “had to” for various reasons (i.e., primarily poor women, etc.).  In the late 60′s and early 70′s, large amounts of women began to enter the workforce.  That is where the juggling act began to come into play.  By the late 80′s, 70% of mothers were also employed outside the home (statistics obtained from www.ucg.org).

Today, moms are doing it all.  They are not only moms, but stepmothers, entrepreneurs and employees all at the same time.  As you can imagine, with that comes a lot of stress.   Packed as my life is at times, I understand that in the world we live in today, this is not out of the ordinary.  For some of us, the challenge seems to lie in learning the art of balance.  Personally, the first step in finding the balance you need is to acknowledge that you cannot do it all.  Lowering your expectations is key.  It’s fine to have dreams and goals and to work toward them but don’t expect that you have to lose yourself in the process.

My five step plan to balance has worked for me in my busy life as a mompreneur and I would like to share it with you readers in hopes that instead of stressing about how you are going to get it all done, you can begin to apply balance which will make your life less stressful in your career and your (re)marriage.  Lots of marriages become stressed because of the inability to master the balancing act being a mompreneur requires.

Diane’s Five Step Plan for Balance:

1.  Set your priorities.  Your first priority should always be your marriage.  Consult and include your spouse.  Both you and your partner need to be on the same page when it comes to all things in your marriage, but especially if you are a mompreneur.  Communicating your goals, sharing your dreams and supporting one another is crucial.  Being a mompreneur along with a wife can clash if you and your spouse are not in agreement on subjects like money, time away from family, travel, etc.  Running a successful business and having a successful family life takes more than just support, it requires sacrifice from everyone in the family.  Communicating and involving (if you can) your spouse will help him understand your plans for not just you, but for what you are trying hard to accomplish for the bettterment of your family.

2.  Support Systems:  It is very important as a mompreneur to have back-up support.  As a business owner, there are times when I get a call from a client that might need me that day instead of the next when their normal appointment was scheduled.  Therefore, because of the nature of my business, I may have to juggle somethings around.  It is always good to know that I can call on one of my soccer moms to grab my son and take him to practice for me and I, of course, can return the favor at a later date.  It’s also good to know that I can pick up the phone and call my husband and have him handle dinner plans, homework and laundry duty that evening for me so that I can take care of my clients needs.  This type of situation doesn’t happen very often, but if it does, I have put my support system in place so that I can juggle without guilt.

3.  Time Management:  I don’t know about you, but to me, there is never enough hours in the day for me to get done what I want and need to get done and this leads to losing ourselves as I stated above.  Therefore, finding time for socialization, spiritual needs, mental, emotional and personal care can get pushed aside.  Condense your time and make sure you make time for yourself and others that matter to you.

4.  Get Organized:  Your work is a part of who you are.  If you are disorganized in your work, you personally will feel disorganized.  Calendar things in advance to avoid double-booking (i.e., make sure your children’s extra-curricular activities are on your calendar in advance of appointments so you can at the least make sure those are not missed); if you are a stay-at-home working mom, get your children on a good schedule so that your business time is not interrupted; have control over your workload.  Don’t take on more than you can handle at any given moment; keep your financial situation in mind before you make big changes.  Discuss those changes and financial situations with your spouse.  Don’t wait until the last minute to spring it on your husband.  And, if you have too much on your plate at the moment you are asked to take on another project, learn to say no!  It’s okay to step back a bit, regroup and it’s okay to say no!

5.  Lower your expectations:  Always keep in mind that on any given day there are going to be trade-offs that you have to make when being a mompreneur.  There are going to be days when your focus for that day is going to have to be on your children and/or your spouse (i.e., due to illness, school events, etc.).  When those situations occur, you may have to decide to make up your work at the end of the day – this is one of the trade-offs. Rome wasn’t built in a day and your career won’t be either.

Being a mompreneur takes sacrifice but keep in mind that it is not your whole life.  Take time to consider each decision you make when it comes to how those decisions might affect your family.  Be flexible and never forget that you have to take care of yourself.  You are not superwoman.  Remember that guilt, pressure and frustration will rear its ugly head and you will have to be prepared to balance.   You can thrive and balance ladies.  Lastly, I want to emphasize again the importance of quality time with your family.  Plan a vacation.  There is always going to be housework, duties to take care of and stress involved in being a mompreneur.  Take time to replenish and renew yourself and your family.  Vacations, even small ones, are great avenues to strengthening your relationships.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

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Stepparenting: From Challenge to Success

January 5, 2012 By Leave a Comment

As I always say, marriage is tough but remarriage is tougher….well, let’s face it then, parenting is hard but stepparenting is probably one of the toughest challenges you will ever face in your lifetime.

There are no prerequisite courses you can take to prepare for your journey and there are no instruction manuals that come along with it, however, there are some steps that you can take in order to help you through it.  Regardless of all horror stories you hear and all of the stereotypical fairy tales about stepparents, you can have  successful relationships in your stepfamily life.

As parents of our biological children, it is my belief that we do our best in bringing them up, we trust our instincts and do what we think is best for them.  As stepparents, we tend to second guess our instincts at times.  Of course most of us want to do what is best for our stepchildren but we tend to second guess in order to avoid confrontation instead of just being ourselves.  If you are struggling, I offer you some of the following tips to help you navigate to a successful relationships within your stepfamily unit.

1.  Protect Your Marriage.  The number one tip I can give you is to decide and make a choice that your marriage will always come first.  If the ex-wife calls your phone regularly in the middle of the night to discuss the problems with her plumbing or she just wants to talk – NIP IT IN THE BUD!  There is an obvious reason you are in a stepfamily and that means you are divorced!  Your new family is based on your new union….protect it!

2.  Communicate.  Allow your children and stepchildren to tell you how they feel without judgment.   Encourage frequent communication and allowing them to have alone time with you and your spouse is very important.  Everyone, even children, want to know that their opinions matter to you.  They want to know that you hear them and that you are open to listening to them.

3.  Empathy.  One of the single most important tips I can give you is to have empathy for the position your stepchildren are in.  All stepfamilies are created out of a loss; keep that in mind when you have rough patches.  Empathy goes a long way.

4.  Maintain Normal Boundaries.  A lot of stepparents get confused in this area.  They feel that they have to overcompensate in order or their stepchild to like or approve of them.  You should always maintain the normal boundaries of an adult/child relationship.  For example, do not try to become your stepchild’s best friend.  You are an extension of their parent not a best friend.  A supporter and ally would be a great description of a stepparent.

  1. 5.  Realistic Expectations.  One of the hardest subjects I have to put across to my coaching clients is that of having realistic expectations.  Parents assume that when they bring a child into a new marriage or relationship that their spouse will immediately fall in love they way they are with their child.  This is a totally unrealistic expectation.  Relationships are built through time and patience.  As I said above, all step relationships exist out of a loss.  That is a hard pill to swallow for a child that has just has his/her world turned upside down.  Don’t rush your relationship.  Build trust.  Do your best to create good experiences and you will build a meaningful relationship.

Lastly, remember that children are the passengers on this flight we call a “stepfamily” and sometimes they will feel like they are literally out of their own airspace.  They were the innocent bystanders through your divorce.  As I stated above, empathy plays a huge role in how we help them to effectively deal with their emotions, feelings and ultimately, their happiness.   Tap into their world, be conscious of their feelings and let them know you are there for them unconditionally.

Stepparents, remember this….your stepchildren may never give you what you want or need in return for your love and sacrifice for them.  Most of the time it’s not until they are an adult that they truly appreciate the role you play in their lives but I would encourage you to be patient, stay flexible, be willing to compromise and accept that your blended family life will never be perfect.  It can however succeed with all of the above.

Peace & Blessings,

Diane

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They’re Back….Easing Back Into the School Year!

August 18, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Making the transition back into the new school year after a long, lazy summer isn’t always easy.  Oprah.com had some great tips that I couldn’t pass up so I wanted to share them with our readers.  The following tips will make you and your child’s transition much easier:

  1. Reconnect with Old Friends:  In the midst of summer camps and family vacations, it’s not unusual for kids to lose touch with their school friends. A couple of weeks before the new year starts, try to arrange a play date or two with these friends (maybe even some new classmates, if you know who will be in your child’s class). Feeling connected to their school friends can help alleviate some social concerns that your children might have about the new year.
  2. Create a New School Year Tradition.  Believe it or not, creating an annual end-of-summer tradition can actually help kids feel excited about the new school year. Try hosting a last-night-of-summer barbecue, a neighborhood talent show or an intimate family game night.
  3. Start an Achievement Tree.  This quick summer art project will serve an important purpose all year long! Draw a tree with numerous brown branches on poster board, and create a handful of “leaves” on strips of green paper. Each time your child accomplishes something she’s proud of—such as a successful day at band practice or a solution to a tricky geometry problem—she can record it on a leaf and tape it to the tree. By the end of the school year, she will have created a full, lush tree!
  4. Talk to Your Kids About Their Worries.  Each child has her own source of back-to-school butterflies. While one child might be most worried about fitting in and making friends, another might be anxious about taking on the challenges of a new grade. Find out exactly what your child is nervous about and don’t dismiss her concerns by saying something like, “Don’t worry” and “You’ll be fine.” Instead, help her think through how she can overcome what’s worrying her, and make sure she knows that you, her teacher and the school counselor will be there to help.
  5. Prepare for Good Mornings.  A few days before the first day of school, start talking with your kids about what their morning routines will look like. Young kids may have fun drawing pictures of each step of their morning schedules, while older students can benefit from creating “responsibility charts” that will help them sail smoothly through their daily routines. Also, practicing things like laying out clothes and packing lunches a day or two beforehand can help make the first early morning a smooth one.
  6. Reset Your Body Clocks.  Many families enjoy relaxed bedtimes and sleeping in during the summer, so it’s unrealistic to expect your kids to immediately adapt to early morning wake-up calls. At least a week before school starts, go back to your school year bedtime and wake-up time. This can help you avoid having a groggy, cranky or confused child on the first day of class.
  7. Create a Launch Pad.  To smooth out mornings, create a “launch pad” (out of blue painter’s tape) near the front door. As part of your bedtime routine, have kids put everything they need for the next day in the launch pad—packed backpacks, the right shoes, appropriate foul-weather gear, etc. When it’s time to leave, just have kids empty out the launch pad and hit the road!
  8. Set Up for Safety.  Whether they’re walking, riding their bikes, being driven or taking the bus, take time to talk to your children about how they will get to and from school this year. Practice the trip a few times before the first day to make sure they’re prepared for safe travels.
  9. Put on a Happy Face!  Parents experience their own set of emotions when the summer ends. You may feel sad about your children getting older, anxious about their new class or worried about how they’re reacting to the new year. To the best of your ability, try to exude confidence and good feelings when talking to your child about school or saying goodbye on the first day. Seeing Mom upset can put a damper on a child’s first-day enthusiasm.
  10. Make the First Day a Great Day.  Spend time thinking through the first day from beginning to end. Make sure your children have all the supplies they need, and try to encourage them to eat good breakfasts (which may not be easy if there are too many butterflies in their tummies!). Arrive early to school to give your child a chance to remember where everything is and to see their new classroom. When it’s time to leave, don’t linger. Just look your children in the eyes, give them big hugs and send them on their way to a great school year!

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

This article can be read in its entirety at www.oprah.com

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REALITY TV CASTING FOR BLENDED FAMILIES

April 5, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Have you been told your blended family is so dynamic that you should have your own TV show?

NOW CASTING dynamic blended families for their own reality series!!

Major Cable Network is looking to cast Blended Families To Be or Newly Blended Families who want to share their lives with us. We are looking for outgoing, charismatic families to participate. If you are interested in finding out more about this possible opportunity, please email a brief bio on your family or family to be to cbcasts@yahoo.com

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Blended Families Aren’t Perfect and That’s Okay!

June 9, 2010 By 3 Comments

stepfamilylife1We all know that nuclear families aren’t perfect so why would the blended family be any different?  We all have our roles to play and we all have a responsibility to execute the duties that come along with our roles in order to allow our families to flourish.

In retrospect, boy oh boy, there have been times when the functions of my own blended family have been less than perfect, but that is fine with me!  I realized a long time ago, like with anything in life, no matter how hard you try or how hard you work, at times, things will go wrong.  Changes sneak up on us and while we are sitting around contemplating and worrying about them constantly, before we know it, new changes are taking effect and the old ones have been forgotten about.   I decided that instead of doing a lot of extra contemplating and worrying, I would accept the changes and work to make my blended family more cohesive.  In essence, put action to work and leave intermittent worries and contemplations where they belong and that is at the bottom of the stack of problems that may or may not be something to worry about, especially if it is not in direct relation to your household.

As members of the blended family, we need to focus on what unites us instead of what divides us.  For example, when a problem or an issue arises within your blended family, instead of focusing completely on what is negative about it, do your best to find something positive to focus on.  If you are having a problem with your spouse, co-parent, stepparent or your stepchild, think about what that person actually brings to your life, or that of your blended family member, instead of focusing completely on their faults or on what you personally don’t like about them.  By doing this, there will be less focus on the negative and the simple problem at hand will become less important.  Remember, each person in the blended family adds something special to the unit.  We have to take time to explore those special qualities and know that it’s okay to be where we are.

Appreciating and recognizing every person’s role in the blended family and that they are going to make mistakes will allow their mishaps or habits to become more tolerable (as long as the habits are not unhealthy physically or emotionally), especially if the alternative is at the expense of your relationship.   In going through blended family struggles from time-to-time, learning to accept the impermanence and imperfections within same have allowed me cherish the good attributes, accept the not so lovely ones and deeply embody the lessons that I learn through my journey.  Too many times, especially in blended families, people live in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction because they refuse to just simply accept that there are going to be times when life throws them a curve ball and imperfections in their blended families are inevitably going to surface.  At times, we even decide throw away good relationships because we think that if our blended family isn’t perfect or everyone doesn’t “like us” then it won’t work.  Don’t settle for less than you deserve in your blended family.  Strive for cohesiveness in a positive way.  It is possible to live cohesively with imperfections.

Lastly TMF readers, it’s OK to be where you are.  It’s okay for our relationships to have imperfections.  Those imperfections mold us into what we become down the road in our marriages and in our relationships with our children and stepchildren.  They teach us how to become better spouses, parents, co-parents, stepparents and stepchildren.  They teach us how to love better.  Don’t pine for what you don’t have, instead, focus on what you do have.  This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t work to change the issues that may arise or work to improve, but rather, find balance and acceptance.  Remember….”and this too shall pass!”

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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Top 25 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepfamily Should Make

December 31, 2009 By 6 Comments

nyapple3Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepmother Should Make:

  1. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
  2. I will resolve not to make EVERYBODY IN THE STEPFAMILY’S problems my own by focusing on “fixing” something that I didn’t break in the first place.
  3. I will not force the issue of being one big happy family and instead, allow my relationship with my stepchildren to naturally evolve (whether that takes 2 years or 10 years).
  4. I will support my husband and offer advice when and if necessary, but ultimately allow him to handle issues with his ex-wife and trust that he will make decisions that are best for our marriage and family.
  5. I will not blame the ex-wife for issues that MY HUSBAND can control. For example, if he goes over to fix her kitchen sink, I won’t be upset with her for asking. I’ll be upset with HIM for going.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Divorced Mom Should Make:

  1. I will NOT make my issues with the divorce, my ex-husband’s remarriage and/or his wife, my childrens’ issues.
  2. I will reclaim and embrace my sense of independence.
  3. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
  4. I will not intrude upon or attempt to control my ex-husband’s household just because my children go over for visitation.
  5. I will encourage and support my childrens’ relationships with their father, stepmother and any half or step-siblings that they have.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Dad Should Make:

  1. I will demand the same positive behavior from my children that I did prior to the divorce and not overcompensate out of guilt. No more permissive parenting!
  2. I will honor and protect my marriage and not allow any issues that I encounter with my ex-wife to wreak havoc on my marriage.
  3. I will realize that I don’t have to share every little thing with my ex-wife just because we share children together. She does not get an all access pass into my life just because we share a child, no matter how she tries to convince me otherwise.
  4. I will nurture my marriage instead of nurturing my divorce.
  5. I will never take my wife for granted and make every effort to understand her position in our family.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Divorced Parents Should Make:

  1. We will work to communicate effectively in order to co-parent our children.
  2. We realize that divorce means that although we are co-parenting partners, we are no longer life partners, and it’s completely okay for us to lead totally separate lives.
  3. We will emotionally disengage ourselves from the divorce and each other, and allow our intellect, not our emotions to dictate what’s best for our children.
  4. Whenever possible, we will work to be on the same page regarding discipline and other areas in which we need to present a unified front for our children.
  5. We will not work tirelessly to alter our childrens’ reality and instead, move past the divorce so that our children can do the same.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Couple Should Make:

  1. We will carve out at least one night per month that is just for us. Whether it is sitting at home watching our favorite movie, going out for dinner and a movie or just sitting by the fire and talking, we will make sure that we have date night.
  2. We will not allow our respective emotional baggage and the drama of our divorces to consume every aspect of our marriage.
  3. We will realize that maintaining our present marriage is much more important that “fixing” our divorces.
  4. We will make decisions that affect our household together and realize that neither one of our ex-spouses get a vote on certain matters.
  5. We will develop a co-parenting policy for our household and work to present a unified front to any children that reside there, be it part-time or full-time.

Overall, stepfamilies should use the new year to start fresh and focus on moving forward instead of constantly looking back. Remember, to learn from your past, but don’t live in it and then move on! It is what’s healthy for everyone, including your children.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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The Hidden Truth: A Father’s Journey-Part 1

December 17, 2009 By Leave a Comment

 In Part 1 of my article on bi-sexual fathers, I will be discussing the effects of being a bi-sexual father has on the children involved in their lives.  I will also be discussing a few of the issues gay fathers often face including stigmas, myths and prejudices in our society.  In Part 2 of my article, I will be interviewing a young man who has recently made an unremarkable journey in his life, realizing and coming to terms with the fact that he is bi-sexual.  He is a young father of two and an amazing, gifted young man.

In America, it wasn’t until the 1990′s that the gay community made a major appearance in our society.  Before then, gay men and lesbian women stayed “in the closet” because of the stigmas that society placed upon them.  Courts were reluctant to place children in the care of their father if he was gay even though research had shown that being gay had little or no effect on the development of a child’s identity.  Today, a lot has changed.  More and more gay men are adopting children and are even using surrogate mothers to have biological children.  There are thousands of gay men who have stepped up to the plate and are fostering children as well.

Unfortunately, a lot of people still feel that having a gay parent alienates a child’s ability to have a productive social experience and life.  However, as reported in USA Today, research has shown that gay parents who are open with their children about their sexual orientation, who exhibit mentally healthy behavior and provide supportive communities for their kids, tend to have the most resilient youngsters.

In the past, society pretty much ran homosexual or bi-sexual people through the wringer and placed unfair stereotypes upon them.  For example, one standing myth that has frequently reared its ugly head is that if a man is gay, he has to be a child molester because of his same sex attraction even though all the evidence, research and statistics prove that most crimes committed against children are committed by heterosexuals.  Another myth is the one in which I discussed above.  If you are a gay man, you will produce gay children.  Absolutely false.  There is a fabulous book that I am reading entitled Gay Fathers written by Robert Barrett and Bryan Robinson.  In the book, the authors list these additional myths about gay fathers:

·         Disturbed parental relationships myth:  Homosexuals, including gay fathers, have disturbed parental relationships (i.e., cold, rejecting fathers and emotionally smothering mothers);

·         Harassment exposure myth:  Gay fathers expose their children to harassment and embarrassment because of societal disapproval;

·         Sex-fiend myth:  The main goal in life for a gay father is primarily that of sexual gratification.

These are just a few of the myths listed in the book, but some of the most stunning in my opinion.  The truth of the matter is just as there are great heterosexual fathers, there are also great fathers that happen to be either bi-sexual or homosexual as well.  Just like there are bad heterosexual fathers, I am sure there are some homosexual fathers that fall into that same category.  Passing judgment on a gay man’s ability to be a good father just because he is gay or bi-sexual is not only unfair, but despicable.

In all types of families, children will have different experiences.  Children who have gay fathers will excel in life with the same opportunities that a child from a nuclear family will have.  Actually, children who have a gay or lesbian parent usually end up being more socially aware as teenagers and young adults.  They become more socially conscientious to the needs of people who are disadvantaged due to unfair prejudices, stereotypes and stigmas.  A child raised in an alternative marriage environment can be just as emotionally stable as a child who is raised by his mother and father in a traditional marriage.  As long as there is a supportive and loving environment, any child will excel.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of this article.  If you are a family in need of help on this topic, I highly suggest you pick up a copy of Gay Fathers by Messrs. Barret and Robinson at your local library.  It is an amazing, encouraging book and one that I will read again.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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