Ten New Year’s Resolutions Every Modern Family Should Make

 The start of every new year is the time to start fresh. It is a time to tuck away our mistakes of the past and start with a clean slate. Because modern family living can be quite challenging, it is good to evaluate where you’ve been over the past year and develop a plan for moving forward – as a family. January is the perfect time to reflect on the changes you want or need to make in order to make your family better. Below are ten New Year’s resolutions every modern family should make.  

Trust Yourself

As parents and step-parents, we spend way too much time second guessing ourselves and obsessing over every decision we make. Starting this year, make it a point to trust your instincts and what you feel is right for you and your modern family. While that well-meaning advice is okay, only you have ALL the facts and truly know your situation. Therefore, you have to make decisions based on your truth and not someone else’s.  

Make Time for Your Spouse

This should be on every married or recoupled couple’s list! Remember, in order to keep your family intact, you must keep your marriage intact. This year, resolve to reconnect with your spouse. Have a drama free date night at least once per month. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t talk about the exes. Don’t talk about your problems. Just lose yourself in your spouse. Get a hotel or kick the kids out (hire a babysitter) for a few hours and get back that lovin’ feeling. Play your wedding song, do some kinky role playing or just make out for as long as you wish. When you devote time to maintaining your relationship and staying connected, other areas of your family life will improve. You’ll listen to each other more; making decisions as a team will get better; you’ll present a united front to your children more often and overall, your modern family will flow better.  

Find Creative Ways to Gel as a Family

Because the modern family wasn’t organically made, it will take work, not force, in order to start feeling more like a cohesive unit. Make time this year to find creative ways to gel as a family. For example, start a book club with your family and you can do this with various age groups. It will get the kids reading more and give you something all to talk about at your book club meetings. It’s a noncompetitive activity, of which no one has to take anybody’s side and it will get you all together in the same roon at least once per month. Another idea is to do a small project together like planting a tree or making a sign with your family name on it to hang on the front door.  

Give Back as a Family

Let’s face it, innately, we are self-absorbed human beings who always believe that we have it worse off than anyone else in the world. Our modern family lifestyles are complicated, yes, but most are definitely manageable. Oftentimes, our children adopt this attitude as well and they begin to think that the world revolves around only them because of their circumstances. A good way to change everyone’s perspective is to take time to give back as a family. Volunteer at a home for foster children (these kids have no parents, let alone parents and step-parents). Collect clothing and food to take to the home of a single parent who is struggling to make ends meet. Remind yourselves that there are children and families who are indeed in a worse situation than you are.  

Create a Family Mission Statement

Gloria Linterman, author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success, offered a great idea in her book. She said that every family should have a family mission statement and she is right! Again, because modern families aren’t organically made, we have to make a conscious effort to work to stay on the same page as a family. A family mission statement encompasses everyone’s goals/mission for the family. Everyone, from the oldest to youngest and tallest to shortest is allowed to offer input when creating your family missions statement.  

Spend More Time With Friends

I know that modern mamas and modern dads lead busy complicated lives, but as regularly as possible, take some time to just get away from it all. Have lunch or go watch a football game with a friend. Remind yourself that although you chose this life, it is not your whole life and allow yourself to reconnect with some friends. You’ll discover that it will enable you to be a better spouse, parent/step-parent and overall, modern family member.  

Enjoy Life More

We spend way too much time focusing on what’s wrong that we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy what’s right. Stop consuming yourself with your ex, your spouse’s ex, disgruntled stepkids, ex-inlaws…You can’t change them, no matter what you do. All you can do is change how you react. Give the appropriate response to a situation and then move on with the rest of your life already. Take more long walks in the park, laugh more, dance more, be silly more and enjoy life more!  

Say it Like You Mean it

Wendy Williams coined this phrase in the theme song of her show and it’s one of my favorites. Oftentimes, we become wrapped up in being closed mouths for the sake of everyone else that we forget about ourselves in the process. This year, make it a point to lay your expectations out on the line and mean it! You don’t have to be harsh or rude; just be honest about what you expect from your modern family members. If an ex-spouse crosses the line, let him or her know that you won’t tolerate it. If a stepchild is rude and disobedient, let him/her know that it won’t happen in your house. If your spouse needs a reminder from time to time, let him/her know what you will and won’t tolerate. Standing up for yourself is not rude, if you do it in the correct manner. Doing so, doesn’t make you a bad person; however, not saying it like you mean it can be detrimental to your mental and physical health.  

Let Things Go

Don’t spend another minute this year obsessing over who did what to you and why and how and so forth. Resovle to let those things go and start with a clean slate. Remember, you can’t change anybody; you can only change how you react. If you need to get it off your chest before letting it go, write that person a letter (even if you don’t mail it); tell a nonjudgemental friend; or talk to yourself in the mirror. Do whatever you have to do to release it and let it go! Afterward, make it a point to deal with the negative (if necessary), but focus on the positive.  

Lead by Example

Instead of trying to fix everyone to make everyone else better, focus on being a better you. Hopefully, by example, you can motivate your other modern family members to do the same.

An Interview with Chef Tony

Antonio Accepting Award

On Saturday, April 24th, 2010, Antonio Thomas entered his first cooking competition at Le Cordon Bleu Culinary Academy and won 2nd Place, landing him a Chef’s hat and coat, a professional kitchen knife, a $125 gift certificate for cookbooks, and a $2,000 scholarship towards his culinary education.

When asked why he decided to become a chef, Antonio responded, “I know what it’s like to be hungry. When I become a chef and open my restaurant I can use part on my earnings to feed the homeless and make sure families don’t go hungry. I’ve always helped my mom by making lunch and helping with dinner. It was amazing how she would make something out of nothing and make it taste good.”

 I had the privilege of chatting with an amazing young man a couple of weeks ago. In the interview below, Tony shares his insight regarding his love for cooking as well as growing up in a single parent home (at one point) and a stepfamily.   The lessons we learn from kids who are in the trenches, living the modern family lifestyle everyday, is absolutely incredible. I learned so much from this young man as his wisdom far exceeds his age.  I also picked up some cooking tips from the young chef.

 Diane: What are the most important items one should always have in their home pantry?

 Tony: Salt, sugar, flour, wine, and oil,  

Diane:  I love to incorporate spice in my cooking.  What 5 spices should I never go without in my kitchen and which one do you think is often the most misunderstood?

Tony:     Salt, pepper, garlic, paprika, and onion powder. Most meals begin with these basic ingredients.

Diane: Coming from being raised by a single-mom, what began your interest in the culinary field?  Was it from watching and admiring her in the kitchen? 

Tony: No matter what we had in the kitchen she always made something out of nothing.  I would look in the fridge and the cabinets and see nothing to eat.  Then she would come home and whip up a meal out of whatever we had and It always tasted great!

  Diane: Cooking is one of my personal passions as well.   I get a huge release and relaxation from creating in the kitchen.  I try to recreate the stories of my life through my food (i.e., dishes my grandmother made by going through her old marked-up cookbooks, etc.).  Sounds corney, huh?  Tell me what inspires your cooking.

Tony: My inspiration for cooking comes from creating dishes and watching others enjoy my food.

Diane: I grew up in a single-parent household as well.  I remember that my mother used to call me in from playing a few nights out of the week and try to get me to watch her cook because she felt it was important for a young girl to learn this skill.  Did your mother do the same with you?

 Tony: Yeah, I always stay up with her on holidays and watch her cook.  She would have all four burners going.  She’d be cleaning the greens and making my favorite ‘stuffing balls’ and I would watch her cook and clean up as she went along.  Then she would place this fabulous feast on the table and I would remember that all this food was once groceries that I had just put up.

Kela: What is your definition of family?

 Tony: No matter what we went through my mother always showed me that she loved me.  It made the tough times not so tough and I love her for that.  So my definition would be – LOVE

Kela:  Will you share any words of encouragement for other children who are being raised by a single mother or are in a stepfamily situation?

Tony: Do your part to make it work.  Being the oldest I have had a few step dads.  Some were great, some were pretty cool, and some just didn’t work out.  I learned that it take the parents and the children to make the step family thing work.  If everyone does their part to make the house a loving home it will work.  There will be misunderstandings and everyone won’t always agree, but if everyone at least tries to understand where others are coming from, everything will be just fine just fine just fine whew!) in my Mary J Blige voice

  Kela: What’s next for you – after culinary school?

Tony: I plan to open my own restaurant.  A high end restaurant that will serve fine dining and all the left over food will be served to homeless families at my mom’s shelter. Because it will keep me grounded so that I will never forget where I came from.

My Way Or The Highway

Have you ever thought that everything would be great in your relationship if your spouse or significant other changed to comply with everything you think is right?  I can admit that in one of my past lives, I have been guilty of doing so.  Instead of validating your spouse’s perspective on a situation, you make it impossible to negotiate and refuse to stand together to find an amicable solution to whatever issue the two of you are experiencing.  Ironically, you attribute your meeting him/her in the middle as weakness and instead of feeling like partners, you feel like opponents.

Every relationship has its ups and downs.  Every relationship has its share of stresses and each person, at times, whether they admit it or not, has times when their disagreements get the best of them and inadvertently allows that argument to redefine them and their commitment.  When disagreements get  bad, each person digs in and makes little effort to work around the problem at hand.  What they are essentially saying is “it’s my way or the highway.”

In partnership there are always going to be hard times and unexpected problems that occur.  It’s important to remember through every unexpected cloud there is a silver lining.  You don’t have to fool yourself into thinking that it has to be one way or the other in order to be happy.  It is also important to understand that although disagreements aren’t comfortable to go through, they add character to our relationships.

Here are a few tips to help you avoid the ”my way or the highway” attitude:

• Think objectively when communicating with your spouse, especially during disagreements.
• Your perspective is based on your individual experience but that does not make it right in a relationship.  Take the creative leap to empathize with your spouse, see his/her point of view and perspective and do not make them feel invalidated.
• Appreciate your differences.
• When going through differences, don’t fill in the blanks about what the other person is thinking or trying to say.  By doing so, we take the quality we experience and attribute it to the other person.  That quality doesn’t belong to them, it belongs to your relationship.

Lastly, any solution we find to our disagreements has to come from a “WE” point of view.  For example, when disagreeing, begin with “Whenever we talk about this issue, we seem to end up arguing.  What can we do to help us stop.”

These are just a few ways to explore avoiding ultimatum language like the title of this post describes.   Having the ability to appreciate your partner’s point of view does not invalidate your own. Being able to appreciate each others’ differences is a value that all relationships should strive to achieve.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The Challenging Role of Stepdad

Being a step-parent takes perseverance.   The stepdad experience can be challenging, and at the same time, rewarding for some men.  For those going through the challenging times, I hope that this article will provide you some tools that you can use to get you through this time.

Some adult children of divorce that I have spoken to have said that the fact that their stepdads did “not” have to stay in their lives or to necessarily “be” a father to them, but they did anyway, spoke volumes to them and to their self-esteem once they were able to get past the “juvenile” issues that most children of divorce experience.  If their biological father was still alive  and didn’t make much of an effort to “father” them and their stepfather did, they felt like as children, they idolized the person who was absent because it was easy to fault the parents who were making them obey the rules, do their homework and clean their rooms; basically the person who helped to provide them structure.  However, it wasn’t until their late teens, early twenties that they realized what the title, “father” really meant and for several of them, that meant their “stepfather.”

One of the pitfalls that some stepdads face is the mere fact that their wives only want them to parent when there are good times.  When bad or challenging times hit, some of the complaints I hear from stepdads is that  they are not allowed to be a parent.  However, as Kela and I have often discussed in prior posts, being a reinforcement for the biological parents at all times, including when the bio parents aren’t available is key.  Children need and want structure and discipline.  Structure and discipline equals love.

Recently, I read a great article written by Ron Deal (Founder and President of Successful Stepfamilies) called The Effective Stepfather:  A Checklist to Live By.  In his article, Mr. Deal states that “Stepfathering can be challenging.  Perhaps that’s why many stepfathers disconnect from their stepchildren emotionally and withdraw from daily responsibilities.  The unmapped territory seems to have many land mines and it’s easier to just retreat than to engage the “enemy.”

Some of the struggles stepdads face are all too common.  For example, a great number of stepchildren will have a hard time accepting their stepfather and will often defy his decisions and cause all kinds of chaos and frustration within the blended family.  Another example of struggles stepdads face is the expectation process with their stepchildren.  Often times, men come into the stepfather relationship expecting that their stepchildren will automatically respect them and hold them in high regard.  For the children involved, they have to immediately take heed that you are in their life whether they like it or not;  however, what we as parents fail to realize is that we chose to get a divorce and to remarry, our children did not.  The drastic changes they are going through need to be met with realistic expectations and understanding.

Here are a few tips from Mr. Deal’s checklist to focus on in your journey:

• Initially Provide Indirect Leadership.  There are two kinds of influence (or power) in relationships:  1) positional power and 2) relational power.  Initially, you have positional power (because of being the male head of household) but later comes the relational power (the ability to form a relationship).  Take your time.
• Express Your Commitment.  Articulate your commitment to your wife but keep in mind, however, that early on this won’t necessarily be considered a positive by your stepchildren.  In fact, they may be threatened by it.  Children who hold a strong fantasy that their parents will reconcile can find your commitment a barrier to life as they would have it.
• Communicate Your Role.  It’s important to verbalize your understanding of your role in the beginning.  Children need to hear that you know that you’re not their dad and won’t try to take his place.  Tell your stepchildren you are looking forward to your growing relationship and that you know how awkward that can be for them.
• Be Approachable.  Part of being approachable and accessible to stepchildren is knowing that not everything is about you.  In fact, most of kid’s negative reactions to stepparents are really about the child’s losses (stepparents just happen to be the easy target for the child’s heartache).
• Manage Stress and Your Anger.  Children are quick to forgive biological parents when they make mistakes (and we all do).  But they aren’t as forgiving of stepparents.  When stress and conflict arise (and they will) make sure you manage yourself well.

As Mr. Deal so eloquently states, and I agree, “Keep in mind that one task for children is to determine whether loving their stepfather is worth the risk.  Give them every reason to believe it is.”

To me, the above statement holds true for both stepfathers and stepmothers.

Peace and Blessings,
Di

How to Have Healthy Arguments in Your Marriage

It has been proven time and time again that no real relationship or marriage exists without healthy argument and disagreements.  All humans are different and have different opinions and views and this certainly applies in today’s modern families.  Marriages are not exempt.  Differences, although can be looked at from a negative point of view, are actually healthy and build character in your marriage.  Of course, as long as these differences/disagreements are not something that cause irreversible harm and/or discord.

One of the biggest mistakes couples make is that they think by ignoring their problems or brushing them under the rug, that time or the absence of discussion about them will keep them from resurfacing.  However, the exact opposite is true.  Silencing yourself, pushing your feelings and problems under the rug will only enhance them.  It will not only be the cause of their resurfacing, but the cause of them exploding into something much worse!

When issues arise, being objective is key to overcoming problems.  In my work, it is often easy for me to listen to a couple and pretty much immediately point out exactly what is going on between them and whether or not it is something they are going to be able to work out.   At times, to them, it seems that I can even understand their relationship better than they can.   How…you might ask?  Simply, my point of view of their relationship is objective and not personal as it is with them.   As the old saying goes, “It’s easier to see from the outside looking in rather than the inside looking out.“  The key word being “objective.”

In every relationship, each person not only deserves to have their point of view validated when issues arise but also they deserve to know that their opinions matter to their spouse.   For example, you and your spouse are in an argument because your husband comes home, immediately gets his newspaper and beer and for the next hour ignores everyone and everything around him. He even gets upset when you interrupt him because you have supper on the table.  When communicating your feelings, you might begin with “I understand that reading is very relaxing for you but we haven’t seen one another all day and when we don’t eat together, I feel disconnected from you,”  instead of immediately going for the jugular with “You grabbing the paper and ignoring me is pissing me off.”   Being a little empathetic to your spouse’s reason for his/her behavior goes a long way.

A great tool in communication is empathy.  Try walking in your partners shoes (or thinking about it that way) when a situation arises.  Separating yourself and your marriage from the problem at hand is a good start.  When things are stalled, ask your partner “What can WE do to change this?“  Think of ways around what you are arguing about and sometimes, just simply agreeing to disagree on an issue is enough.  This simple step can be applied in your blended family environment as well.

Another great tool to use is to adopt a bit of flexibility when you are having disagreements, especially if you have been known to be on the stubborn side at times.  When you are willing to give a little bit and take a little bit, you will find that your spouse will be inclined to do the same.

Learning the art of being objective, flexible, empathetic and respectful with your spouse are valuable lessons in creating productive communication through disagreement, and of which will carry the two of you for a lifetime.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Depression and Children of Divorce

The most important element to happiness for a child is the need to feel safe and loved.  During divorce, if parents aren’t careful, children can feel just the opposite.  They become stressed, worried and fearful.  This in turn causes depression.  One of the most important discussions you can have with your children about what is going to happen in the future is where they stand relative to your divorce.  Granted, some might not feel that they should involve children in grown folks business, but it is very important, as long as children are old enough to process what you are telling them, to have a productive discussion about the changes that are about to take place in their lives.  Verbally reassuring them that they are loved by both parents is not enough; you have to address their reasons for their stresses and worries.

Another important factor to consider is your non-verbal actions as parents.  How you present and carry yourself speaks volumes to your children.  Remember, actions speak louder than words, so do not make it tougher for your children during these critical times by disparaging your ex or removing yourself emotionally from your children (whether intentional or not).  This type of behavior only intensifies the burdens and feelings of loss that children of divorce carry.  Children are just that, children.  They do not need to carry your “extra” baggage.

A certain amount of sadness that children experience during divorce is normal; however, extreme and continuing sadness that is coupled with helplessness is not.  This may be a sign of depression.  Unfortunately, statistics prove that divorce is one of the leading causes of depression in children and teens.  Studies show that the rate of serious depression in children — up 2% a generation ago to 23% in children up to age 20 (www.divorcewithoutdishonor.com) not all related to divorce, but still a wake-up call for parents.  The following are warning signs that your children might experiencing depression:

• Sleep problems
• Poor concentration
• Declining grades
• Drug or alcohol abuse
• Self-injury
• Change in eating habits
• Anxiety

The following are some tips to help help make your child’s lives easier during this stressful time:

• Minimize major changes, such as changing schools or relocating out of state after your divorce.  Do your best to keep some sense of normalcy in your children’s daily life.
• Be consistent with discipline.  Do not allow your children to use the divorce as a crutch for bad behavior.
• Be open to answering questions, listen to your children and be available to them at all times.
• Do not limit your child’s access to his/her other parent for your own personal vengance.  Your child deserves and has the right to love and spend time with both parents.
• Do not expect or rely on your child to help you through your recovery process.  You are the adult and they are the children.  It is unfair to rely on them for this kind of support.

Bottom line, children of divorce feel pain.  There is no way around it.  However, one of the main reasons for this pain is the mere fact that their relationships with their parents (especially the absent/non-custodial parent) is constantly being  redefined.  They don’t have the same security they once had and feelings are always being tested.  One of the most important gifts you can give them and of which, in turn, lesson you can teach them is that of stability and structure.  With being able to put your differences and feelings for your ex spouse aside from their parenting relationship with your child and thereby continuing to allow them to maintain a relationship with both parents, you can help your children allieviate some of their fears, worries and anxieties which will less likely result in their suffering from depression during this tough time in their life.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

The information contained in this article written by Diane Greene is not and does not constitute medical advice in any way, it is only an opinion based on personal research on the issue of depression in children of divorce.

Jason Mesnick and Molly Melaney Wed

The Mesnicks from People Magazine

The first divorced father of the hit reality show, The Bachelor, married contestant, Molly Melaney in a rainy California ceremony on Saturday.

You might remember Jason as the bachelor who caused a lot of chaos when he initially gave his final rose to contestant Melissa Rycroft (who has since found love herself) in the season finale of The Bachelor last spring, but then changed broke off his engagement on national television to pursue Melaney instead.

Jason’s young son Tyler (Ty) was part of the ceremony as well. He ran down the aisle a minute before Molly did, and Jason said that he had a talk with him. Thirty seconds later, his blushing bride appeared on the stairs and Jason started crying.

Catch their big day on an ABC Broadcast which airs Monday night at 8 pm. The first ever Bachelor couple to wed and on national television.

We wish this modern family the best of luck!

10 Tips to Succeed at Second Chance Marriages as well as First

CONGRATULATIONS on your engagement!  This is a wonderfully joyous time in your life and I share your excitement with you.   Second Chance Marriages attribute to the increase of blended families.  Equipped with more wisdom and experience about what marriage is and what it requires, Second Chance Marriages prove to be sweet success stories.  I’ve created this complimentary report for you, “10 Tips to Succeed at a Second Chance Marriage as Well as a First,” as a keepsake reminder of several key ingredients needed for a continued blissful life together.  The contents are priceless.  As a Life Celebrations Designer, and owner of Sheer Elegant Events, a Full-Service Wedding and Event Planner, I am also a Second Chance Bride.  Here, I share with you tips to apply in your marriage that will give you great leverage for a successful Second Chance Marriage.  These tips are equally essential to First Time Married Couples.

1. Continue what you’ve started. When you decide to take a vacation, you plan your trip in a detailed fashion.  You have a vision of all the sites you’d like to see, and of all the things you’d like to do.  So, plan the type of relationship you want to have!  Do now what it takes to have what you want in your marriage now and later — success and longevity.  Plant the seeds.  Cultivate them.  Many people forget that they have a voice and a choice in everything that they do!  That means that you can choose to have a successful marriage and write your own blueprint for it.  Then follow it, live it, for real.  For example, generally speaking, a man appreciates when his wife continues to be the woman he married.  His love stretches far and wide into eternity, when she continues to display all of the loving qualities that captured his heart, mind and soul.  A woman, likewise, appreciates it, when her husband consistently continues to do the loving things he did to win over her affections.  This helps her to continue to see him in a way that allows her to keep respecting and honoring him.  So if what you have to work with works for you, keeping working it!  Continue what you start.  It is imperative that you do not get so comfortable with one another that you begin to forget to honor one another, to consider the other’s feelings and concerns, to grow in your professions, spirituality, and in love.  Learn one another.  Know one another better than anyone else does.  Love one another in a way that no one but God can love you more.  Because in the end, people and things, including your children, will all be gone one day, and all you’ll have is each other until the end.

2. Be On One Accord. Keep each other first. Matrimony is a holy sacrament between a man and a woman, and it is blessed by God.  Therefore, everything must be done in decency and in order.  When the two of you are on one accord, that is to say, two individuals with respective gifts and talents, becoming one in your core beliefs and value systems, you become a united front.  You are one machine whose variable parts work in concert together.  Keep one another tuned up with regular maintenance, like each one taking care of the other’s heart, emotions, and dreams, and each of you working together for the common good of both of you.  Never forsake one another, and never put anyone but God before one another.

3. Blended Families. Blended families consist of both Second Chance and First Time Married Couples with children, making at least one parent a stepparent.  Unless you are empty nesters, a lot of your married life and time will be devoted to raising and supporting your children.  There are five sub-key points to consider that are relative to blended families, and they are very important.

• Setting Expectations. Agree on and clarify what your family expectations are. The value of being on one accord, is that it shows the unity and peace in your relationship. Approach any concerns with one mindset and one voice, with one set of rules and regulations, with one set of plans and expectations, and with one love. This means you both will be in agreement on how to manage important issues. Speak lovingly, yet candidly with your children (in an age appropriate way) concerning the new changes in your life that will now affect their lives. Explain what they can expect and what will be expected of them. It may take several discussions over time for everyone to reasonably adjust. It may not, depending on the ages of the children, and any possible negative influences from the other parents aka the “ex.” It is very important that they see you two as a united front, and that when one gives an answer to the best of their ability, they speak for both of you. You must trust each other and one another’s judgment. Never disagree in front of the children, because this shows dissention and lack of unity, something that they will potentially use to manipulate both of you (as children do sometimes). It can cause a crucial breakdown in communication and in your relationship. Support one another and be preventive rather than be divided and prescriptive.
• Be Realistic. As the stepparent, be careful not to become overzealous with expectations that the children will accept you and your marriage to their biological parent. Some children struggle with jealousy [about you stealing their attention and time from their parent], resentment [of your marriage which has crushed their hope for their parents' reconciliation], or disloyalty [remaining formal and distant so they won't compromise their loyalty to the other (angry) parent]. Make sure that you are able to accept and deal with whatever the outcome, and that you will be able to sincerely love them regardless, and without bias. It is important that the love and understanding from both of you is equal for all of the children.
• Unpack Your Baggage. Identify and address all negative influences of your “ex” that could potentially impact your relationship and/or your relationship with your children. Each of you should deal with and resolve (head on) any unresolved issues with the “ex” in your life, so that you maintain uncompromised peace and stability in your marriage. Keep it classy and peaceful if at all possible, because children live what they learn. When you two consistently show love and respect for one another, and others, against all odds, your children will respond to that love and respect, making the transition easier.
• Set Structure. You must set family structure. Be clear about what is and is not acceptable. Acknowledge and reward compliance. Correct noncompliance.
• Set Rules. Agree on what the rules are, and how you plan to raise, educate, correct and discipline your children. Ideally, between the four parents, all should cooperate and agree on one best practice for achieving these goals. Focus on the objective: the welfare and benefit of the children and your marriage. Suggest win-win solutions.

4. Strength Is the Secret to Success.  The strength of Second Chance Marriages, or any marriage, is a God centered married life that is regularly nurtured.  Worship together (meditate, or practice whatever centers your life, respectfully), as you do everything else together.  Pray for one another, never prey on one another.

5. Command Respect.  As a stepparent, always respect the other parent’s role and position in their children’s lives.  Do not try to compete for the affections of the children.  Do not intentionally be offensive to the other parent in any way.   To deal with any negative feelings, journal the things that are negatively affecting you, and discuss them with your spouse.  Command your respect by first giving respect.

6. Money Matters.  Mature newlyweds may be more concerned with health care, retirement, their children’s trusts, wills, and pensions.  Both, the mature and young newlyweds, alike, may each have different money views and values that will require compromise and negotiation.  Prenuptial agreements protect preexisting financial securities, and family interests.  Although it is common, not everyone uses them.  A working partnership is a must to manage finances.  Full disclosure is essential, and so is the need for couples to find and to apply solutions to any problems.

7. What’s in a Name. Sometimes children, younger or older, welcome a remarriage for their parent.  In this case, the adjustments are smoother sooner. Allow them to warm up to you and settle into giving you the title of respect and endearment that is natural and comfortable for them.  They may call you mom or dad, stepmom or stepdad, or simply Mr. or Mrs. (fill in your name).  The most important thing is that you are now family.  Love, honor, accept, protect, encourage, nurture, and enjoy them.  The new parent should do their best to always address them with peace, love, and joy, and to try not to take everything personal.  Sometimes there may be disagreements.  All families experience them sometimes.  Do not make a mountain out of a molehill!  Be quick to apologize and forgive, and continue to love.  At those awkward times when there is nothing good to say, say nothing!  Love like there is no “step” in front of stepparent.  Just love with the heart of a mom or dad, and they will receive it and return the love like they are your children.  After all, they are.

8. Mind Your Manners.  Do not take your wife or husband for granted.  Remember to be courteous and kind.  Just like you were taught, “thank you” and “please” still mean a lot and go a long way.  Always consider, protect and support your spouse in all aspects as you would yourself.  Maintain faithfulness, integrity and respect for one another in words, thoughts and in deeds.

9. Your Way Is Not The Only Way.  You were not always one team.  You come from different backgrounds, were raised differently, and have different ways of doing things.  Adjusting to living together, and accepting one another’s habits can be challenging at times, to say the least.  You do not have to say everything that you think.  Everything does not have to be done your way.  Sometimes sacrifice and compromise will be required.  To lessen or to avoid complaints, insults or arguments, change your focus and your mindset.  Remember all the attributes that you love about your spouse.  “Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.” – Philippians 4:9.   Then compromise on different ways to do things.  It is always good to know more than one route to any destination, and more than one way to accomplish any task.  Use your differences to strengthen your personal weaknesses or to enhance and compliment your strengths.

Mind Your Business.  What goes on in your marriage, stays in your marriage!  Be very careful about the information you share about your spouse, and to whom you share it.  Most people won’t let you forget any negative information you share and are just looking for drama.  Whenever needed, talk to people who are successful in their marriage.  Preferably, the husband should talk to another husband or male friend, not to his female co-worker.  Similarly, the wife should talk to another wife or female friend, not to her male childhood friend.  Basically, if you don’t want to hear about it again, mind your business by either keeping it to yourself, or ensuring that you tell someone who can keep it in good confidence, and who will give you wise counsel and encouragement about your situation.  As much as possible, communicate with one another about everything.  Become one another’s best friend.

This post was written by guest blogger, Wanda Williamson, wife, stepmom, wedding planner (who specializes in second chance wedding celebrations) and owner of  Sheer Elegant Events.

Preventing or Promoting Peace in Your Modern Family

Living in a nuclear/traditional family has its own ups, downs and issues.  So, one can only imagine that living in a modern/blended family will be challenging at best.  With that being said, I ask the question — Are you doing everything in your power to promote peace in your unit?  Or, are you preventing it?

The Proverbial Ex-Wife

With divorce comes a sense of loss.  Ex-wives often struggle with power, loyalty and control over issues involving their own emotions alongside having to deal with the loss their children are also facing.  In the beginning, the challenges they face are enormous.  At times, after the divorce, ex-wives find themselves not only overwhelmed due to issues like finance control, sharing the children at different locations, or suddenly being alone and raising children as a single parent (if she is awarded custody).  These emotions tend to intensify if her ex-spouse remarries and she then begins to mark her territory; expressing loudly her position that SHE is the mom.   These fears and real emotions can lead to feelings of hopelessness and frustration which in turn can get bottled up and present themselves in a way that prevents peace within her modern family.

The Proverbial Wife/Step-mom

Ah…the “new” wife!  You walk into a new marriage with instant children (if you have none of your own).  Sometimes, literally, you walk into the ex-wife’s old home, you sit on her furniture and you stare at her old 4 walls.  You have great expectations of going into your new life with hopes that your step-children will adore you and his ex-wife won’t have any reason to not appreciate you and your presence because you can get along with anyone, so why should your husband’s ex-wife be any different? — WRONG!  “New” wives often make the mistake of expecting too much too soon.  They step in and try to “be all and do all” for everyone with the expectation that everyone must feel the same way you do.  The proverbial new step-mom sometimes even pushes herself upon her step-children and into their lives full force.  At times, she even intervenes with problems that only her husband and his ex-wife should handle.  She expects the ex-wife to accept her but does not understand that this is an unrealistic approach and it doesn’t work.  Therefore, she then decides to stake her territory and, at times, can become destructive when it comes to issues that may arise in her new modern family. She makes these issues about “her” instead of consigning them to their rightful owner (i.e., the children, the ex-wife or her husband), and by doing so, she prevents peace within her unit.

Blending a family and maintaining happiness within it gives new definition to the word “modern.”  It takes patience, consideration, a certain level of  trust, realistic expectations on both sides of the fence and parents who are committed to continue to provide a healthy and happy family environment for their children.  Does this mean everything will always be “hunky dorey” all of the time and new issues will never arise?  Absolutely not!  However, being proactive in providing the best environment for your children should be one of the first items on your priority list.  Promoting peace is essential, but in order to do so,  the wife/step-mom  have to be patient in their new roles.  Don’t jump in “gun ho.”  If you are an ex-wife, allow yourself to deal with any unresolved conflicts and emotions you may be holding on to, learn to move past them and let them go.   What about the man in the middle some of you might ask?  Well, that subject alone will be an article all to itself.

Granted, there are those families where one party will make the decision to avoid promoting peace at all costs.  If that is the case, continue to integrate your own peace, in your own home.  I will admit, the transition from divorce is one of the toughest issues I personally have ever dealt with as a former ex-wife.  As hard as I ever tried to avoid the pitfalls  many ex-wives face, I still made my share of mistakes.  Now, in another chapter of my life, being a wife/step-mom, I had to explore a whole new facet of life altogether.  I have learned that I can do my part in promoting peace by doing my personal best to make a great impression on my step-daughter and my children.  How you promote or prevent peace, and what you accomplish during the process, is very important and will either have a negative or positive effect on your modern family.  Which one will you choose?

Peace & Blessings,
Di

Overwhelmed and Disconnected in a Tough Economy

Today, trying to cultivate a balance between home and work life can be severely stressful. The effects of being overwhelmed and stressed can directly affect the relationship you have with your husband or wife, leaving both of you feeling disconnected. Of course, with the hard economic times currently affecting not just the United States, but every country in the world at this time, these feelings of disconnection become even more extreme with the added pressures of money stress.

The majority of women in the daily workforce in this country are overwhelmed, overworked and extremely disconnected, especially with themselves. They leave their homes to work 8 hours or more daily, come back home to shuffle the children to and from their activities, cook, clean, help with homework, etc., only to start all over again the next day. With this, they leave themselves little or no time for themselves or their spouses. “Exhausted and overwhelmed,” can’t fully explain what some women and men are dealing with during these hard times and I have to admit, I’ve been there, done that myself.

Unfortunately, overwork has also been proven to exacerbate our ongoing health conditions both mentally, physically and emotionally as well. Overwork has been linked to anxiety, depression and many other chronic stress-related disorders. It causes physical pain as well.

Of course, behind all of this is the disconnection with your spouse that can be directly related to this “overworked” syndrome. You give your all to your job during the day, you come home to another 4-6 hours of domestic work including caring for your children and your spouse gets the rest of you. What’s left of you that is – which at times, for your spouse, can seem like and feel like nothing. Women aren’t the only ones affected by being overworked. Due to our challenging economic times today, husbands are working two jobs and sometimes three job and overtime just to make ends meet; finding themselves also becoming disconnected with their wives and family. However, trying to reassess our situations is not easy when there are bills that need to be paid. Finding ways to balance our lives and putting our priorities in order is crucial. Here are a few ways you can achieve balance in order to avoid becoming disconnected:

• Don’t overschedule yourself. If the children’s activities are becoming too much for you to handle, limit each child to one activity outside of the home per week.
• Take some scheduled “time-out” space just for yourself.  Even if it means heading to the nearest Starbucks for an hour or two of reading or to the nearest public library for some quiet time.  Taking care of yourself, first, is crucial to your individual happiness.
• Romance your spouse. You don’t have to go out of the home to do this. Send the children to a babysitter or relative’s house for a couple of hours and have your own special time. Cook a simple dinner, eat together, spend quality time together.
• Work as a team. Do not allow outside influences and stresses to pull you apart. Daily stresses can put enormous pressure on your relationship with your spouse, pick your battles and let go of pettiness.
• Communicate daily. Make a special effort to have good conversation with your spouse.
• Eat meals together. Absorb one another’s wisdom. Showing keen interest in one another and your daily routines will bring you closer
• Laugh together as much as you can. Laughter is good for the soul and for your marriage.

And most importantly,

• PRAY TOGETHER. As the old saying goes. A family that prays together, stays together!

Sustaining a connection with your spouse should be the rule instead of the exception during tough times.  Obtaining this takes a commitment to be individually connected to ourselves, happy and healthy emotionally, physically and mentally as well. The end result will be that the both of you will be collectively committed to one another no matter what the future beholds you.

Peace & Blessings,
Di

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