Ten New Year’s Resolutions Every Modern Family Should Make

 The start of every new year is the time to start fresh. It is a time to tuck away our mistakes of the past and start with a clean slate. Because modern family living can be quite challenging, it is good to evaluate where you’ve been over the past year and develop a plan for moving forward – as a family. January is the perfect time to reflect on the changes you want or need to make in order to make your family better. Below are ten New Year’s resolutions every modern family should make.  

Trust Yourself

As parents and step-parents, we spend way too much time second guessing ourselves and obsessing over every decision we make. Starting this year, make it a point to trust your instincts and what you feel is right for you and your modern family. While that well-meaning advice is okay, only you have ALL the facts and truly know your situation. Therefore, you have to make decisions based on your truth and not someone else’s.  

Make Time for Your Spouse

This should be on every married or recoupled couple’s list! Remember, in order to keep your family intact, you must keep your marriage intact. This year, resolve to reconnect with your spouse. Have a drama free date night at least once per month. Don’t talk about the kids. Don’t talk about the exes. Don’t talk about your problems. Just lose yourself in your spouse. Get a hotel or kick the kids out (hire a babysitter) for a few hours and get back that lovin’ feeling. Play your wedding song, do some kinky role playing or just make out for as long as you wish. When you devote time to maintaining your relationship and staying connected, other areas of your family life will improve. You’ll listen to each other more; making decisions as a team will get better; you’ll present a united front to your children more often and overall, your modern family will flow better.  

Find Creative Ways to Gel as a Family

Because the modern family wasn’t organically made, it will take work, not force, in order to start feeling more like a cohesive unit. Make time this year to find creative ways to gel as a family. For example, start a book club with your family and you can do this with various age groups. It will get the kids reading more and give you something all to talk about at your book club meetings. It’s a noncompetitive activity, of which no one has to take anybody’s side and it will get you all together in the same roon at least once per month. Another idea is to do a small project together like planting a tree or making a sign with your family name on it to hang on the front door.  

Give Back as a Family

Let’s face it, innately, we are self-absorbed human beings who always believe that we have it worse off than anyone else in the world. Our modern family lifestyles are complicated, yes, but most are definitely manageable. Oftentimes, our children adopt this attitude as well and they begin to think that the world revolves around only them because of their circumstances. A good way to change everyone’s perspective is to take time to give back as a family. Volunteer at a home for foster children (these kids have no parents, let alone parents and step-parents). Collect clothing and food to take to the home of a single parent who is struggling to make ends meet. Remind yourselves that there are children and families who are indeed in a worse situation than you are.  

Create a Family Mission Statement

Gloria Linterman, author of The Secrets to Stepfamily Success, offered a great idea in her book. She said that every family should have a family mission statement and she is right! Again, because modern families aren’t organically made, we have to make a conscious effort to work to stay on the same page as a family. A family mission statement encompasses everyone’s goals/mission for the family. Everyone, from the oldest to youngest and tallest to shortest is allowed to offer input when creating your family missions statement.  

Spend More Time With Friends

I know that modern mamas and modern dads lead busy complicated lives, but as regularly as possible, take some time to just get away from it all. Have lunch or go watch a football game with a friend. Remind yourself that although you chose this life, it is not your whole life and allow yourself to reconnect with some friends. You’ll discover that it will enable you to be a better spouse, parent/step-parent and overall, modern family member.  

Enjoy Life More

We spend way too much time focusing on what’s wrong that we don’t allow ourselves to enjoy what’s right. Stop consuming yourself with your ex, your spouse’s ex, disgruntled stepkids, ex-inlaws…You can’t change them, no matter what you do. All you can do is change how you react. Give the appropriate response to a situation and then move on with the rest of your life already. Take more long walks in the park, laugh more, dance more, be silly more and enjoy life more!  

Say it Like You Mean it

Wendy Williams coined this phrase in the theme song of her show and it’s one of my favorites. Oftentimes, we become wrapped up in being closed mouths for the sake of everyone else that we forget about ourselves in the process. This year, make it a point to lay your expectations out on the line and mean it! You don’t have to be harsh or rude; just be honest about what you expect from your modern family members. If an ex-spouse crosses the line, let him or her know that you won’t tolerate it. If a stepchild is rude and disobedient, let him/her know that it won’t happen in your house. If your spouse needs a reminder from time to time, let him/her know what you will and won’t tolerate. Standing up for yourself is not rude, if you do it in the correct manner. Doing so, doesn’t make you a bad person; however, not saying it like you mean it can be detrimental to your mental and physical health.  

Let Things Go

Don’t spend another minute this year obsessing over who did what to you and why and how and so forth. Resovle to let those things go and start with a clean slate. Remember, you can’t change anybody; you can only change how you react. If you need to get it off your chest before letting it go, write that person a letter (even if you don’t mail it); tell a nonjudgemental friend; or talk to yourself in the mirror. Do whatever you have to do to release it and let it go! Afterward, make it a point to deal with the negative (if necessary), but focus on the positive.  

Lead by Example

Instead of trying to fix everyone to make everyone else better, focus on being a better you. Hopefully, by example, you can motivate your other modern family members to do the same.

Top 25 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepfamily Should Make

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Stepmother Should Make:

1. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
2. I will resolve not to make EVERYBODY IN THE STEPFAMILY’S problems my own by focusing on “fixing” something that I didn’t break in the first place.
3. I will not force the issue of being one big happy family and instead, allow my relationship with my stepchildren to naturally evolve (whether that takes 2 years or 10 years).
4. I will support my husband and offer advice when and if necessary, but ultimately allow him to handle issues with his ex-wife and trust that he will make decisions that are best for our marriage and family.
5. I will not blame the ex-wife for issues that MY HUSBAND can control. For example, if he goes over to fix her kitchen sink, I won’t be upset with her for asking. I’ll be upset with HIM for going.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Divorced Mom Should Make:

1. I will NOT make my issues with the divorce, my ex-husband’s remarriage and/or his wife, my childrens’ issues.
2. I will reclaim and embrace my sense of independence.
3. I will carve out 30 minutes a day just for me. Whether it’s taking a walk, reading a book, relaxing in a bubble bath or watching my favorite television show, I will make sure to make some “ME” time.
4. I will not intrude upon or attempt to control my ex-husband’s household just because my children go over for visitation.
5. I will encourage and support my childrens’ relationships with their father, stepmother and any half or step-siblings that they have.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Dad Should Make:

1. I will demand the same positive behavior from my children that I did prior to the divorce and not overcompensate out of guilt. No more permissive parenting!
2. I will honor and protect my marriage and not allow any issues that I encounter with my ex-wife to wreak havoc on my marriage.
3. I will realize that I don’t have to share every little thing with my ex-wife just because we share children together. She does not get an all access pass into my life just because we share a child, no matter how she tries to convince me otherwise.
4. I will nurture my marriage instead of nurturing my divorce.
5. I will never take my wife for granted and make every effort to understand her position in our family.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Divorced Parents Should Make:

1. We will work to communicate effectively in order to co-parent our children.
2. We realize that divorce means that although we are co-parenting partners, we are no longer life partners, and it’s completely okay for us to lead totally separate lives.
3. We will emotionally disengage ourselves from the divorce and each other, and allow our intellect, not our emotions to dictate what’s best for our children.
4. Whenever possible, we will work to be on the same page regarding discipline and other areas in which we need to present a unified front for our children.
5. We will not work tirelessly to alter our childrens’ reality and instead, move past the divorce so that our children can do the same.

Top 5 New Year’s Resolutions Every Remarried Couple Should Make:

1. We will carve out at least one night per month that is just for us. Whether it is sitting at home watching our favorite movie, going out for dinner and a movie or just sitting by the fire and talking, we will make sure that we have date night.
2. We will not allow our respective emotional baggage and the drama of our divorces to consume every aspect of our marriage.
3. We will realize that maintaining our present marriage is much more important that “fixing” our divorces.
4. We will make decisions that affect our household together and realize that neither one of our ex-spouses get a vote on certain matters.
5. We will develop a co-parenting policy for our household and work to present a unified front to any children that reside there, be it part-time or full-time.

Overall, stepfamilies should use the new year to start fresh and focus on moving forward instead of constantly looking back. Remember, to learn from your past, but don’t live in it and then move on! It is what’s healthy for everyone, including your children.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Out with the Old and In with the New – YOU!

2009 has seen its better days-or not! Thank goodness we can look forward to 2010, a clean slate, a new beginning, and a new you.

It sounds cliché but the start of a new year truly is a new start. There are millions of New Year’s resolutions being made as we speak. Unfortunately, 95% of those will not make it to June or will not be followed through upon. How can we make this year different? How can we keep our resolutions and help our lives as well as improve our families?

There is a wonderful article written by Lesley Alderman for the January 2010 issue of REAL SIMPLE magazine titled “Nine Secrets of Motivated People.” Here are her nine points for a better you for 2010 as well as my own interpretations of her list:

1. When you make a plan, anticipate bumps. Peter Gollwitzer, professor of psychology at New York University says that people who plan for obstacles are more likely to stick with projects than those who don’t. When you are aware of all of the “what if’s” of a project then you can come up with ways to work through them should they occur. This way you have a plan to stay on task.

2. Channel that little engine that could – really. A person’s drive is often based on what she believes about her abilities, not on how objectively talented she is according to research by Albert Bandura, a professor of psychology at Stanford. You must first believe in yourself before anyone else will believe in you. Push yourself and love the person you are.

3. Don’t let your goals run wild. This means that you should set expectations and goals for yourself in order to achieve what you set out to do in life. At the same time keep them in perspective. If you have 100 pounds to lose don’t expect to lose all 100 in a month or even two. Set mini goals for yourself and make sure to reward yourself when you attain that next step.

4. Go public with it. Don’t keep your goals or resolutions to yourself. Tell a close friend or family member so you have a support system. Things go much smoother and much easier when you have support and some accountability to what you want to achieve.

5. Lean on a support crew when you’re struggling. Enlist people in your life who you feel want you to succeed and will keep you motivated. Choose people who may have seen you fail in the past and who know how much success means to you, says Edward L. Deci, professor of psychology at University of Rochester.

6. Make yourself a priority. Lesley Alderman states that you will derail your progress if you sacrifice yourself for others in order to please them. Only you can take care of you and only you know what you need. That’s a lot of you’s and it may feel selfish but we must take care of ourselves before we are capable of taking care of anyone else.

7. Challenge yourself and change things up. This especially applies to anyone trying to lose weight or striving for a healthy lifestyle. Doing the same exercise routine can become monotonous or eating the same thing for lunch everyday becomes so boring. As time goes on you will eventually get frustrated and throw that salad or treadmill out the window. Do yourself a favor and research fun ways to exercise and look up new recipes online to spice things up. This way you’re always learning and that helps build new excitement around your new life.

8. Keep on learning. To refuel your efforts, focus on enjoying the process of getting to the goal, rather than just eyeing the finish line, says Lesley Alderman. Take pride in researching or going back to school to reach a new career goal. Take classes or go to events for the things you are passionate about just for fun. You will enjoy learning about things you love even if it isn’t about making a career out of it. It’s all about expanding your mind and your life and learning something new never gets dull.

9. Remember the deeper meaning. Edward L. Deci says it best when he says “You’re more likely to realize a goal when it has true personal significance to you” Enough said.

The more information and support you are armed with the better equipped you are to face the world and also stay true to who you are.