Are You Nurturing or Sinking Your Marriage?

August 22, 2011 By Leave a Comment

If a flower isn’t watered it eventually dies….Right?

The answer to the above question isn’t rocket science.  Think about it.  We nurture our children, we nurture our jobs in order to keep them, we nurture our parents when they need us, we even nurture our friendships etc. etc.  The list goes on and on.  However, when it comes to our most important relationship, the one we share with our life partners, we tend to take for granted that it will always be okay.  We tell ourselves that we will make time for him/her tomorrow.  Well, more often than not, tomorrow becomes the next day and the next day becomes next week and so on.  When your relationship becomes stale, you are flabbergasted and cant figure out why it is sinking. 

A relationship as sacred as that in which we share with our spouse absolutely needs to be nurtured.   Your marriage nor your feelings have to fall into the trap of complacency.  In fact, being aware of some of the bad habits that you might be displaying can keep you from going down that path.  Some of those habits might include:

  • Focusing only on the negative aspects and not the positive.
  • Not paying attention to your spouse.
  • Nitpicking.
  • Bickering.
  •  Using language that doesn’t reflect your togetherness (i.e., the way you talk about the good and bad times).

Granted, there are a lot of stress factors going on in these days and times in our lives which can lead us to focus more on whats negative in our personal relationships but for every negative, you should be able to find 5 positives about your spouse that will remind you of why you chose to spend your life with that person.   In the words of Kela Price, “marriage is hard, remarriage is even harder.”  Keeping your marriage alive and healthy will be a test to your strength as a couple but is essential.  As I discussed above, the arch nemesis of marriage is complacency.  We cannot just think that just because we have made a commitment to one another that we don’t have to work hard at it to keep it alive.  Only you and your spouse can ensure that your relationship will stay exciting.  Only you and your spouse can make sure that your marriage stays afloat and only you and your spouse can nurture your love.

The number one necessity in succeeding at nurturing your marriage is romance.  No matter how secure you think you are in your relationship, if you are not romancing your partner, your marriage is not secure.  The following are some tips to help you along the way:

  • Talk, Talk, Talk!  Maintaining open communication is your lifeline.  Communication is key to building a solid bond and allows you to discuss your feelings, concerns, hopes and desires.  You won’t know your spouse if you don’t communicate.
  • Show Your Interest.  If you don’t like sports, fake it till you make it!  If football season is crucial to your husband, do your best to show interest with him.  If you just cant stomach watching a whole game, buy him a couple tickets to enjoy with a friend!  If your wife loves the nail salon and you hate it, surprise her with a gift card from her local place.  These “little things” mean a lot. 
  • No Bickering.  Pick your battles.  Ask yourself, is this really worth it?  If it is something that really bothers you, then obviously you need to talk about it with your spouse.  However, if it is just something that you want to nit pick about, pick your battles because their could be a war over the horizon.
  • Appreciation.  Everyone needs to know that they matter.  Every human being desires to be appreciated.  Men and women alike.  Let your spouse know how much they mean to you.
  • Quality Time.  Take time to have quality, alone time with your partner.  Cut the lights out, light the candles after the kids have gone to bed, turn the music on and slow dance!  Take a long walk in the park and don’t discuss any problems, only focus on your spouse.  Institute a regular date night.  Once per week would be ideal but at least twice a month.  Get away for the weekend alone.  Renewing your energy with your spouse is key to keeping it alive and fresh.
  • Recreate Your First Date.  Remember that anxious feeling you had when you first met?  Get that feeling back again and go to the same place you were on your first date!  It works wonders.
  • Leave Eachother Love Notes.  Text messages are great for leaving quick notes, but a good old-fashioned handwritten note is even better.  Lay it on your wife’s pillowcase or in her car, she wont be able to wait to see you that night. 
  • Get Steamy in your Sex Life.  Need I say more?  Be creative, try new things.  Spice it up!  Use your imagination!
  • Say “I Love You” Often.  Those simple three words are like music to your spouses ears!  Say them often. 

TMF Readers, remember, its usually the smallest tokens of affection that lead to happiness in your marriage.  It doesn’t take any money to tune into you and your partners feelings and needs.  I know when my needs are not being met, I get irritable and cranky with myself and the people I love.  Our marital ships become unstable when we are not “tuning in, paying attention and nurturing” marriages.  Don’t let your ship sink!  Nurture your vessel.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Does Marriage Equal Love?

June 21, 2011 By Leave a Comment

Have you ever heard someone say that marriage and love have nothing in common?  I recently overheard a conversation where that statement was made and I began to explore my own thoughts, the thoughts of some of my friends, and researched the topic.  I felt compelled to write this post in order to help our readers to motivate their marriage because I, undeniably, am a sucker for a fairy tale marriage. 

Some have said that marriage and love have nothing in common because they are actually at opposite ends of the spectrum.  Granted, some marriages are as a result of love but what about true love?  Is love really a result of the marriage itself or do you fall  in love after marriage?  I read somewhere once that marriage is actually an “insurance pact” and that it’s return on the investment are insignificantly small.

 I have to disagree.   Marriage and it’s return are 100-fold, and in my opinion, is much more than all of the above statements.  It’s me and my husband’s confidence in one another’s protection and passion, our bond and intense craving of each other, our vision, goals and ever so important, our friendship.  It’s mastering our grace together, our ability to teach our children what the “bond” of marriage means and having humility.

Of course, I am not living on cloud 9.  I know that the divorce rate in the United States and abroad is skyrocketing  and I am certainly aware that some marriages without love last years and years, but forging a solid marriage takes commitment.  Websters dictionary describes the word commitment as “together to bind, as by a promise; to make a pledge.  Marriage is hard work, and I believe, if love had nothing in common with marriage, this pledge in itself would be impossible.

I will even admit that my marriage takes a little extra work being I live in a blended family. We have been married for nearly 7 years, together off and on for 10 and we still struggle from time to time. It is my belief that every marriage experiences personal hurts, personality differences and challenges. But it is the extra effort that we put into it that breeds into our love and allows us to work through any issues that may arise. We focus on one anothers needs above our own. We talk, talk, talk. We view our marriage as long-term, always, even through the differences of opinion, through the pain when we are faced with a disagreement. We constantly remind ourselves of where we have been and the growth that has taken place in our marriage. Most importantly readers, we adjust our expectations of one another. No marriage is perfect, certainly not mine, but if we are committed to our spouses and our families, we make adjustments.

So, in answer to the question relative to this post…”Does marriage equal love?”  Marriage and love go hand-in-hand as long as there are two people who view their relationship as whole and who are willing to make the commitment because love isn’t enough.  You have to have commitment and all that it entails.

Peace & Blessings,
Diane

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Love Rules!

October 8, 2009 By 6 Comments

“Nearly 60% of the marriages in the United States end in divorce”

PD*19953492In focusing on the statistical data, one might say that the institute of marriage in our country is falling apart.  Most reasons for this include money, children, infidelity, lack of respect and the biggest of them all…non-communication.  It would seem that the odds are stacked against all of us who are currently married or remarried, especially for those who are newly divorced and hoping for remarriage one day.  Today, some folks are even making conscientious/constructive decisions not to get married at all.  The question I keep finding myself asking is this….How do we find unconditional love that conquers all?  Is this even obtainable?  Can love conquer all?  I believe the answer is: Yes, we can.

 Why were marriages of the past so successful?  Marriages of the past share the basic rules that we have today – only there is one difference.  That difference, to me, is unconditional love.  In our society today, we are molded around the idea that no matter what happens in our marriage, if we get the point that we can’t handle it – however simple the problem may be – we give up and allude to the fact that we can just “get divorced.”  It’s too easy to get divorced in today’s society.  It’s obvious that I totally understand that we live in a different world than did our grandparents and great-grandparents time, and obviously, we don’t have the social pressures to stay with our mates through thick and thin as they did back then, not to mention the fact that our society is always evolving and ever changing, but back then (at least from the stories told to me by my grandmothers) husbands and wives just had a lot more plain old mutual respect for one another.  They communicated, they shared meals together, they stuck by one another, they instilled family values in their children and they worked together at their marriages – they valued each other’s place in the family unit.  Sure, there were those bad apples around that spoiled the bunch, but mainly, marriage and family was first and foremost outside of religion for most people.

Albeit, let me put out my disclaimer that I am not (actually far from) an expert in marital counseling or in the institute of marriage itself, but in my opinion, in any union, the conviction that you have for your mate (whether in a traditional or non-traditional relationship) that he or she is valued and worthy of being loved by you is so important.  It is important that you do your best to make them feel admired and cherished by you.  My husband always makes me feel important to him.  This is one of his best qualities.  What he gives me is something that I never had in any other past relationship.  Now, I wonder why I ever allowed myself to settle for less in the past.  It is so rewarding to have the feeling of admiration and appreciation.  No marriage is perfect by far, but problems can be surmountable.  They can be overcome with plenty of love, patience, positivity, communication and conviction toward resolve. 

 To me, the difference between a good marriage and a GREAT marriage is conviction.  My principle passion is to have a happy home, family and life.  Is it hard sometimes? Of course!  Are there days where I think to myself….”Good Golly Miss Molly – What on Earth have I gotten myself into?”  Absolutely!  We all have these moments when we are frustrated in our marriages.  But, I have an assured belief that God has me and my husband right where he wants us to be and that is TOGETHER.  We put up with one another through thick and thin.  Couples that are able to dig deep enough to weather the storms together end up building marriages that stand the test of time in the long run.  They are unbreakable.  They overcome!  This is unconditional love.  Be blessed BFSO readers and let me know what tips you use to keep your marriage healthy, strong and happy.  I’d love to hear from you.

 Peace and blessings,
Di

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